["The Heart Is Willing" plays]
♪ Come in ceremony
♪ Come to be under blood
♪ Bring all your tired lions
♪ Bring all your crying doves
[money counter whirring]
Another full house, huh?
Yes, and tomorrow night too.
It's Lent.
I was thinkin' I might take it off?
Go somewhere?
Well, there's no law against movie seein'.
Bring me that whiskey?
[whiskey pours]
Actually...
I-I was thinkin' I might just go somewhere...
far.
Meanin' what?
There's this girl back in Texas from when I was a kid.
Just go check on her.
Anyway, that's what I'm thinkin'.
That's what I'm doin'.
I'd come back, of course.
Someday.
Listen to me, you "someday" piece of shit.
We're all that's left in this place.
I am all the family you got.
Yeah, 'cause you killed all the rest.
What's that?
Speak up, boy.
You killed my family!
That's right.
I had your daddy shot.
Your mama I killed myself.
I sliced her open with a small blade
and I sucked up her soul.
But instead of wreakin' vengeance,
you just stand there like a little girl, bringin' whiskey.
[chuckling] Oh, gee.
[gasps] Oh.
You still think like a Custer.
That if you do just enough right
and not too much wrong that there's still hope for you.
It's because you're afraid of hell.
[chuckles] Oh, and you know what?
I don't blame you.
[owl hooting][insects chirping]
[clock chimes]
[inhales sharply]
Killin' your gran'ma? Damning yourself to the flames?
[breathing heavily]
What would your father say?
[screams]
[laughs]
I'm goin'.
[sighs]
You'll be back.
[door opens]
You shoulda killed her.
Yeah, well, now's your chance.
[birds chirping]
[gun cocks]
Sorry, Lil' Jesse.
You gonna have to raise them hands.
Now, I know that she put you through your paces, but...
Well, come on. She's your gran'ma.
Give me the gun, T.C.
A-And I-I-I-I believe there has to be a-a-a constructive,
nonviolent solution.
[distorted] Give me the gun.
Christ.
-Back up. -[gasps]
[groans, breathing heavily]
[normal] How many times you think you pointed
this thing at me, T.C.?
Lil' Jesse, you don't hate me that much.
You wouldn't shoot me.
No.
I guess I wouldn't.
[sighs]
See? I-I-I knew it.
I knew it! A-A constructive, nonviolent way--
-[distorted] Shoot yourself. -[gunshot]
[screams]
[Jody] Hey, kid.
You gotta go through me first.
[normal] I like that idea.
[distorted] Put it down.
[normal] I could make you cut your own throat if I wanted to.
But you ain't gonna.
No.
Let's go to The Tombs.
Hope for you yet, boy.
[groans]
[Hitler groaning]
[spurs jingling]
[sighs]
My name is S.S. Reichsmarschall Rick Smith.
Here's my demand:
send out Hilter and no one gets hurt.
Resist, and you will be liquidated.
If you're the S.S., why are you wearing a Luftwaffe medal?
We're a mixed auxiliary unit.
The point is, I have a freakin' tank and you don't.
So release our Fuhrer,
or I will have no choice but to tell my men to cut you down.
Those are my terms.
What is your answer?
["Highway Tune" plays]
[gunfire]
♪ Ohhhh
Get off me! Let me go! Get me--
You're not going anywhere!
♪ We're stopping at The green light, girl ♪
♪ Because I want to Get your signal ♪
♪ No going at The green light, girl ♪
♪ Because I want to be With you now ♪
♪ You are my special
- ♪ You are my midnight -[screaming]
♪ Midnight, yeah
-Yo, Nazi. - ♪ So sweet
-Let's go. - ♪ So fine
♪ So nice
- ♪ All mine -[both grunting]
♪ My, my
♪ Ohhhhh
[grunting]
[gunfire continues]
♪ We're stopping On the highway, girl ♪
♪ Because I want To burn my gas ♪
♪ There's one girl that I know I'm never gonna pass ♪
♪ She is my special
♪ She is my midnight
♪ Midnight, yeah
[both grunting]
♪ So sweet
♪ So fine
♪ So nice
♪ All mine
♪ My, my
♪ Ohhhhh
You said you'd changed...
I have my soul patch.
♪ We're stopping On the highway, girl ♪
♪ Because I want To burn my gas ♪
♪ There's one girl that I know I'm never gonna pass ♪
♪ She is my special
♪ She is my midnight
[explosion]
♪ So sweet
- ♪ So nice -[gagging]
♪ All mine
♪ My, my
♪ Ohhhhh
[Hitler and Eugene grunting]
[gunshot]
Luger.
All those crows.
Do you think they pecked your daughter's eyes out
aftershe was dead?
Or while she was lying there, still alive?
♪ Ohhhhhh
Yeah... I think so, too.
[explosion]
♪ So sweet
♪ So fine
♪ So nice [crunching]
[grunting]
No! No, Eugene!
What would Jesus do?
♪ My, my
♪ Ohhhhhh
[groans] ♪ Sugar
[grunts]
Sorry.
These boots suck!
-[sighs] -[whip cracks]
She's really not that bad!
Could you just let us go...
...just forget about it?
So difficult and pretty. So fun.
You're gonna be a hit down in hell.
I know you're tryin' to be all scary and stuff,
but your breath...
is seriously...
[tank turret whirring]
...not good.
LOOK OUT!
You see?
I am a loving God.
[utensil scraping]
[footsteps approaching]
Ah.
Betrayal, when committed by a loved one, cuts most deeply.
Perhaps there's still hope for him?
[footsteps approaching]
[Eccarius] Change your mind.
Join me.
Bugger off.
I'll let you die.
I won't want to, but, uh... I will.
Well, go ahead.
[scoffs] I've had a good run.
You've barely had a hundred years!
I mean, you've never had a Château Lafite.
You've never seen a tiger in the wild.
You've-- Cassidy, you've never been to Asia!
Well, maybe there's an Asia when you die, you know?
Maybe there's not.
Maybe there's no sex, no food, no music?
Maybe there's nothing?
You'd choose that over what I can offer you?
Over lyin', cannibalism, and murder?
-Yeah. Sure. -No.
Over love...
pleasure, life...
this.
What is that?It's a pipe.
I ordered it specially.
See, you, uh, sprinkle your drugs in this end,
-and on this end-- -No, I know how a bloody pipe works, you moron.
What's it of?
A unicorn.
Your favorite.[sighs]
It's this.
Or burn.
Nice trick.
Freeing one of my children from hell
is my favorite trick of all.
Buncha Nazis and a tank.
I was figurin' it out.
No, you were going to hell.
But I am a merciful God.
What about Eugene, huh?
You gonna be merciful with him too?
Which one's he?
-With the face. -Oh. Oh, right.
Uh, no, his path is different.
I've come for you.
To lift your curse.
From this day forward, the name O'Hare will be blessed.
Yeah?
What do you get?
The joy that only giving brings.
[scoffs]
And?
Tell Jesse Custer to stop looking for me.
To stay away.
Genesis cannot, mustnot,
interfere with my great design.
Go to him. Stop him.
And then you will know true peace and be forgiven.
You know... I don't need forgiveness.
[chuckles] Right.
Tulip O'Hare: pure as the driven snow.
Yeah.
I done some bad things.
Things I ain't proud of.
For Christ's sake, you killed a man with a corn cob.
I'm not perfect.
I know that.
But I don't need your forgiveness.
[inhales deeply]
I mean, I made it this far without it, didn't I?
Oh.
So be it.
Free will...Damn right.
...has its consequences for you
and for those you claim to care about.
What's that mean?
Oh, your friend Cassidy.
Yeah, what about him?
He's in grave danger.
I was going to help, show you I'm a loving God,
but sounds like you don't need me at all.
I call bullshit.
Eh, go see for yourself. But you better hurry.
The danger is quite grave.
Mnh-mnh.
This is one of your tricks.
A distraction to keep us off your ass.
Well, forget I mentioned it.
Let's just stand here by the water and...
enjoy the silence.
[inhales deeply]
You're a dick.
[sniffs] You're welcome.
Yeah, I see you. Gimme a sec.
[bird squawks]
...out!
[spurs jingle]
Wait.
I shouldn't have said that about crows...
about your girl's eyes.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry. I really-- [grunts]
[groans] You're--
[crunching][squishing]
My eyes! [screams]
[grunting]
Time to go.
What about Tulip?
Her lucky day.
[grunts]
Welcome, you motherless goathumpers.
[chuckles]
Always wanted to say that.
Okay, now--
[both grunting]
["The Prodigal Sun" plays]
♪ Ooo-na-na-na-na-na-nahhh
[bone crunches]
♪ Ooo-na-na-na-na-na-nahhh
[both grunting]
♪ You scare us, yeah You welcome us ♪
♪ And you motion us To move our mouths ♪
♪ And we lie
[groans]
That was different.
[metal clatters]
[Cassidy groans]
[exhales sharply]
Well, I'm not playing pool again.
[Eccarius] Can I get you anything?
Yeah.
There's a drink in me coat.
[sighs]
[liquid sloshing]
I saw a unicorn once, you know.
I remember.
You told me.
Thank you.
[sighs]
Better?Than being crucified?
A touch.
Coolant?
Actually, no, scrap that.
You're the one who threw up
three wine coolers the other night.
Give it to me.
Jesus.
It's gonna be days before I can masturbate properly.
Mm!
Well, we can't have that.
Um, I've got some squirrel blood in the freezer.
It's quite restorative.
It's better than cat or dog.
I just cheated death
and I got back with my handsome lunatic friend.
I don't want any of your goddamn squirrel blood, all right?
Yeah.
He's repented!
He wants to be with us again.
[all sigh]
Blood ceremony to celebrate.
Who will take flight?
Perfect.
[both grunting]
[groans]
Was lookin' for this.
Took it from your daddy. Years ago.
-You stop that. -[crying]
We Custers don't cry.
[gun cocks]
We fight.
[gunshot]
Remember that night, boy?
I remember.
[both grunting]
[choking]
[groaning]
Today was the day, huh?
Go get two cans of gasoline.
-Two cans-- -[distorted] Go get it.
[cigarettes tapping]
[lighter clicks]
[chain rattles]
Proud of you, boy.
Mm. Comfy, actually.
Although after may need a lint roller on my backside.
Dinner time.
Christ. How's that coolant feelin'?
Fine. Fine.
All right, go on. After you.
No, no, no, no. After you.
Hey, listen.
Have you ever--
[clears throat] Mrs. Rosen,
would you have any objection at all to a ménage à trois?
On the contrary.
I'd be honored.
Hmm.
[Cassidy] Tie your life to ours
and allow us to do the same?
Yes.
Are you ready to pass through?
-Yes. -Yeah, she's ready.
What's that? What is--
Bite marks.
What's going on?
Answer me.
What have you done?
[groaning]
Aah! [grunting]
[groans]
[panting]
How many calls to his flown children
did you make, Mrs. Rosen?
Eighty-seven.
And how many answered?
None.
So you turned her.
She turned the rest.
Now what?
Go back to your loveless and lonely existence?
Well, yeah, probably.
But first: dinner time.
[growling]
[operatic music plays]
[screaming]
[gasoline sloshing]
All right, let's go.
Ain't you gonna kill me?
I don't hate you that much.
Come on.
N-Nah. I-I'm good.
Angelville-- I-I know it's-- it's wicked
and-- and evil and all that,
but...
I got nowhere else to go.
You sure?
[chuckles]
Good seeing you again, Lil' Jesse.
♪ I gave my life for thee
♪ My precious blood I shed
♪ That thou might ransomed be
♪ And quickened from the dead
♪ I gave my life for thee
♪ What hast thou giv'n for me?
♪ And I have brought to thee
♪ Down from my home above
♪ Salvation full and free
♪ My pardon and my love
♪ Rich gifts I brought to thee ♪
♪ What hast thou Brought for me? ♪
[bird cawing]
[Gran'ma] Welcome home.
Is that for me?
What's in there, you could live
for another hundred years, at least.
-My debt is paid. -Not so sure about that.
[distorted] Say, "Your debt is paid."
Your debt is paid!
Release Tulip.
[vomits]
Jesus.
[normal] Jesus has nothing to do with this.
Fine.
You won.
Go on.
Leave your poor gran'ma all by herself.
I've tried that once before.
Walking away...
leaving you behind.
It didn't work.
Wherever I went, Angelville was with me,
in the back of my head like some kind of bad dream.
But today's the day I wake up.
Today's the day I'm gonna kill you
and burn this house to the ground.
-You think so? -Oh, I know so.
Been thinking 20 years on how I'm gonna do it.
Well, I figured
no better way than to strap you into your own machine
and turn you to dust.
Well, if it's my time for heaven.
Heaven?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but you're going straight to hell.
I hate to break it to you,but...
I made a deal with my gentleman caller.
You know, Satan?
And we came to a new agreement.
If you kill me,
when you die, you're the one going to hell.
What did you do?
[chuckles]
Hold on.
I'm not walkin' outta here with you still breathin'.
Don't be so upset, Jesse.
I saved your girl.
You got your power.
You're free of me.
Sweetheart, you won.
But you won too, didn't you, Gran'ma?
A hundred years' worth.
No.
A hundred more years than my daddy got.
No. I mean it.
A hundred more years than my mama had.
A hundred more years of you being a rotten piece of shit.
These are mine! That's the deal!
Like you said, Gran'ma, new deal!
[distorted] Destroy them.
[gasps]
[crying]
Jesse!
["Everything Happens for the Best" plays on radio]
[engine starts]
♪ For the best♪
♪ I should be glad we parted I guess ♪
♪ I should be glad That it's over ♪
♪ And you...
She's right. I got what I came for.
I won.
Doesn't feel like it.
No... it doesn't.
[grunts]
[groans]
You'll burn in hell for this.
Maybe.
Someday.
But today... you burn.
Jesse.
Jess-- Jess--
Jesse!
[sobbing] No!
No, no, no!
[machinery whirring]
Jesse!
No, Jesse!
[screaming]
[electricity crackling]
Jesse!
[groaning]
[exhales deeply]
[sizzling]
[curtains close]
[indistinct conversations]
Now what?
Get a Dustbuster, maybe a sponge.
But after that?
Now that we're Night Wraiths?
Well, you can stop calling yourselves Night Wraiths,
that's for one. Christ.
You're just bloody vampires now, all right?
Right, but what do we do?
Whatever we bloody want.
[cellphone ringing]
[cellphone beeps]
Tulip?
A-All right. All right, slow down now.
What's that?
[Tulip] I've been trying to call you, Cass.
Are you okay?
Like... you're not in any danger, are you?
Where are you?
Got it.
And you sure you're okay?
Well, I've been to the far side of the moon and back, actually,
but [chuckles] I think the danger portion's over now, so...
All right, well, I'm on my way.
T-Tulip?
Yeah?
I, uh...
Yeah? Cass?
-Hey, look who it is. -Hey, Hoover's back.
-[man] Hoover! -[cheers and applause]
Hoover?
What do you mean, Hoover?
[Cassidy] No, it-- it's all right. It's all right.
It's-- It's just Hoover. He's cool now.
All right, d-don't worry about it.
-Welcome back. -Listen, I-- I'll see you soon,
and [sighs] thanks for calling me up, all right?
I'll see you in a bit.
[sniffles][cellphone beeps]
So... where's the party?
[cheers and applause]
So I'm back at The Grail office, I get your text,
and I say to myself...
"Why am I here?"Hmm.
The hours suck, my boss is crazy,
and the benefits aren't even that good, you know?
Course not. They're corporate bastards.
What are you even doing back there?
I thought we agreed, no more being a dick?
-You were right. Old habits. -Oh.
So, you guys have all turned as well?
-[all agreeing] -They're already bored.
[chuckles] All right, go on. Back to work, you buggers.
I was just about to get really high
and blast some Nickelback, if you're up for that.
Come on.
You know, you saved my life back there.
Mm.
-I got you a present. -Oh!
I wanted to return the favor.
An umbrella. Very droll.
Secret agent man.
[chuckles] Thank you very much.
Open it.Indoors?
I'm pretty sure that's bad luck, man.
[helicopter blades whirring]
What the hell is that?
It's good luck today!
[wood creaking]
[glass shattering]
[people screaming]
[grunts]
[people screaming]
[glass shattering]
[screams]
[grunting]
What the hell did you do?
I lied. The benefits are great.
You know I eat horse tranquilizers for breakfast, don't you?
I told them. That's whale.
[body thuds]
[Humperdoo chuckles]
Humperdoo.
Huh?
[Tulip] Cass?
[coffin opens]
Some men took him.
And a woman.Dressed in white.
[scoffs]
God.
It wasn't until this moment
that I understood what my purpose was.
But now I know.
It's to say:
You're a bad person.
But it's never too late to change that.
Open up your heart and talk to God.
You guys used to be like... best friends, right? So...
...call him, and apologize.
I just realized...
I have a "purposh," too.
[grunts]
Get your ass out of your head, doofus.
God's gone.
You didn't have to do that.
Him? [chuckles] We were just jokin'.
Anyway, you did your part
bringing these two chuckleheads back,
and now for mypart of the bargain.
-[thud] -Oh!
We'll take it from here, Sidney.
Thank you.
Not sure what happened there, but, um, I assume she had it coming.
What would this unfortunate preacher's name happen to be?
Jesse Custer.
[laughing] I love the synergy!
I just got a deal goin' involving Custer.
Figures right into my expansion plans.
See, you kill him,
and he and his little power come to hell.
[chuckles] Anyway, I won't keep you any longer.
Go without God, as the saying now goes.
[gun cocks]
How dare you pull a gun on the Prince of Darkness.
I will flay you into a thousand pieces!
My daughter?
The crows? Was that your idea?
Okay.
Hold on.
Everybody take a breath.
Was it?
I was in on the meeting when it was discussed.
Sure, all right? But it wasn't my idea.
Whose was it?
Don't be stupid.
It was God's.
Of course.
Now,
I suggest you put that gun down right now,
or you and I are gonna have a problem.
Too late.
You crazy son of a--
[bats screeching]
You can't do that!
The rules have changed.
You were right.
You don't belong here.
Let's go.
Yeah. Good idea.
Let's get out of here.
Just him.
Not you.
[door opens]
[door closes]
Plum cake, sir?
Ja.
Extra flaky crust.
Jesse?!
He's still alive?!
The preacher that sent me here?
[elevator bell dings]
The preacher that left me here?
I'm going with you.
[crows cawing]
[vehicle approaching, engine revving]
[vehicle stops suddenly]
♪ Ten thousand souls In your right hand ♪
♪ Never lost ground To no cold-blooded man ♪
Hey.
You okay?
Family's overrated.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
Ready?
♪ Ten thousand souls In your right hand ♪
Ready.
[engine revs]
[Cassidy] ♪ On the ground
♪ I listen to the long Droning sound ♪
♪ Of sinners a-plenty Our pain, it runs deep ♪
♪ Deeper than oceans
♪ Deeper than...
[loud flapping]
♪ ...sleep
[flapping continues]
Holy shit.
[Hoover] Cassidy's resting peacefully.
Not for long.
My favorite torturer is flying in from Bensonhurst.
Frankie Toscani?
Wow.
The hat, Hoover.
Are you mocking me?
No, I'm--
I'm a vampire now, sir. Remember?
I thought you were joking.
Uh, no. [clears throat]
It's true.
But let me assure you,
it will have no impact whatsoever on my job--
[screaming]
[thud][screaming continues]
Idiot.
[flames crackling][screaming continues]
What happened here, sir?
Hm?
Oh.
We're going to need a new, uh, Hoover.
I'll look into it, sir.
Gonna be tricky, don't you think?
Getting Custer to be our messiah?
Now, after everything?
I don't want him to be my messiah.
So, why are we waiting for him?
Custer has humiliated me for the last time.
I'm going to torture him
in the most horrible ways ever imagined.
And then...
I'm going to kill him.
Love it.
The great chess match for world domination continues.
I'm tired of chess matches, Flufferman.
It's time to play some fucking checkers.
[helicopter blades whirring]