Would you like to dance with me?
Don't struggle with me. CATHCART: There has been an unfortunate accident.
He raped and murdered her.
Drop it, son, and you won't have to fly any more missions.
We are privileged to welcome General Scheisskopf.
Jesus. Why?
He's running the whole Mediterranean Theater.
He will not be running this base.
He is wrong when he says I will not be running this base.
Anyone who knows me knows I simply just can't help myself.
I have Yossarian's discharge papers here.
What was that? Yossarian, sir.
I've flown my missions, sir.
The mission quota is 55, you've flown 51.
Colonel Cathcart and I had a deal.
My wife sends her regards.
Decent folk, they deserve more votes than drifters, whores.
I'm losing my mind. You gotta get me a private room.
Don't push it.
I think maybe you and I are the only two sane people on this base.
Nately's dead. If I hadn't gone back...
No, you didn't kill him.
He died because there's men down there shooting at us.
Dunbar's gone. Clevinger's gone.
Kid Sampson's gone. McWatt's gone.
Now, Nately's gone.
For a minute there, I thought it was just going to be me and Aarfy.
I wouldn't do that to you, buddy.
Buckle up, fellas. Here come the fireworks.
I think I lost my balls. We're going down.
I'm right behind you. I'm gonna get it out over the sea.
Help!
Hello?
My balls.
Sweet Jesus.
Hello?
Oh, Christ.
God.
How bad is it, Doc?
Sorry. What? Have I lost my balls?
I don't understand you. Do you speak English?
Inglese? No, no. Italiano.
Inglese?
No? No?
Christ.
Hey, can I...
Hey, Doc. You see this?
Uno...
Due.
Down here. Due?
Si, si. Due.
Due? Two? I've got due balls?
Oh, God. Thank Christ. Thank God. I've got two.
Yeah, due balls. I got due.
Yeah, okay. Sure. You do whatever you got to do, Doc.
Due.
Christ!
Oh, Christ.
Oh, my God.
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno, signore.
Buongiorno.
If you want, but I'm not pressuring you.
What? I don't understand what you're saying.
Ciao, YoYo. Bionguorno.
Buongiorno, Silvio.
Are you an American?
No Inglese. No Inglese, Italiano.
Is this the American?
Yossarian.
No.
Seven-inch swing. Four-inch gap. Why is that so hard?
Then we look tight. Then we look fierce.
Then we stand out from all the goddamn free-swinging arms
that seem to be the goddamn fashion these days.
You goddamn spastics think I'm gonna let you prance around here
like a Busby Berkeley chorus line,
you've got another thing coming to you.
All right. Let's have a look at these nuts.
You're gonna need to scooch and lift.
Okay.
Ow!
Sorry. It's just a little dried blood.
Okay. All right.
Let's have a look at these.
Now, John, it looks like this piece of flak
went right between your thighs.
It missed your left testicle, it missed your right testicle,
and it split the soft tissue of your scrotum right between your testicles
and that is what we call spectacular luck.
So can I go home now? Is it that kind of spectacular luck?
You came so close.
Now, if you lose a testicle for your country,
of course, you get to go home.
But you? You only almost lost a testicle.
You see the difference?
The best I can do for an almost-lost testicle
is just to keep you here while it's healing.
Of course, while it's healing,
the number of missions you have to fly keeps rising.
Which means the longer you're here,
the further away you get from going home.
But you already know that.
All right, nurse, I'll leave you to it.
"Spectacular luck," huh?
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Who knew it was as simple as one testicle?
We probably could have arranged for that months ago.
I like the way you think.
What time do you ship out?
6:00 a.m. Ugh, that's ghastly.
Oh, it is. It's ghastly, all right.
I'd tell you I'm gonna miss you, but I probably won't.
You're gonna miss me a lot more than I'm gonna miss you.
I doubt it.
Do you want to put money on it?
Sure. Five dollars.
What? $5? What are you, cheap?
One hundred. I'm not putting $100.
You don't have $100. I won't need it.
Yes, you will. No, I won't.
You're silly.
No, I'm not.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
I like the way your neck smells.
I like the way your hair smells.
I like the way your shoulders smell.
Better start saving your pennies.
Buongiorno, Mr. YoYo. We have a gift for you.
Hey, fellas, what's the rumpus?
Is from Mr. Milo. Is he back? I need to talk to him.
No, no. Mr. Milo in Togo. When is he back?
Sabato. Saturday.
Well, can you get him on the radio? I need to talk to him.
He offered me a job. I said no, but now I think I need to say yes.
Eh... No, no. He on a ship. He sent you this.
This for your testicolo.
It's very big room.
For testicolo, no? Yes, because no want...
It's very bad... For your balls.
Over here, tootsie.
Nice pants.
I'm told this is Cathcart's office now.
Yes, sir.
Where's Major Major gone? He's in there too, sir.
They're in there together? Yes, sir.
Can I go in? That depends.
Depends on what? Depends on who you're here to see.
Cathcart? Fine.
I told you the deal's off, Yossarian. I know the deal's off.
Hiya, Major. Hey, Yossarian.
How you been? Pretty swell.
Then what is it that you want? I want to go home. You owe me.
I just told you the deal is off.
Scheisskopf saw to that. You were there.
But I didn't make the deal with Scheisskopf. I made it with you.
And he unmade it. My hands are tied.
I've had my balls blown off. I want you to send me home.
I can't. What do you mean, you can't?
Yes, you can. I mean that I can't.
I'd like to, believe me.
I'd like to see you gone from here as much as you would.
Then do it. I can't, son.
You mean to tell me
that you don't have the authority to send people home?
I have the authority to send people home.
I just can't send you home.
I am under strict instructions not to send you home
without his prior approval.
He actually said that? He did.
But I've had my balls blown off. What more does it take?
This is a medical emergency.
Well, if it's a medical emergency, I suggest you go talk to Doc Daneeka.
Do I look like a ball doctor to you?
You understand? That's two doses every two hours.
Okay. Doctor. Hey, I need your help.
You gotta tell Scheisskopf that I've had my balls blown off.
But you haven't had your balls blown off.
Doesn't matter. He needs to think that they've been blown off.
You're asking me to lie to a guy that we both know is trouble?
No, I'm not asking you to lie.
I'm asking you to use your imagination.
You know that if I stay here, Scheisskopf is gonna fuck me.
I've lost all my friends.
I've flown more missions than anybody on this base,
and every time I get close to reaching the quota,
they raise it on me to fuck me.
I can't do this anymore.
I get that you couldn't ground me for insanity.
I get that you couldn't ground me for liver problems that never existed.
But now I finally have a legitimate, actual medical complaint.
And you promised to help me when it counted.
I'm not asking you to lie. I'm asking you to be a doctor.
Sir, Captain Yossarian suffered a catastrophic testicular infarction.
A what? A catastrophic testicular infarction.
What the hell is that?
Well, sir, it's a soft tissue trauma to the scrotal sac.
And?
And I believe Captain Yossarian should be sent home.
It's that bad?
He may never have children.
You're saying he's had his balls blown off?
Approximately, sir.
Mmm.
I don't know, Doc. If I'd had my balls blown off,
I can't imagine I'd be standing there, just like that.
And at attention, no less.
Well, he's heavily medicated right now, sir.
I want to see.
Excuse me, sir? I want to see.
I want to understand this infarction.
Drop your pants, soldier.
I'm not sure that's such a good idea, sir.
He's very tender down there.
I want to see. Drop your pants, soldier.
Take the bandage off.
I'm counting two testicles down here, Doc.
I want these stitches out, God damn it.
I want this nutsack back in the air,
flying missions, and serving his country
like everybody else, God damn it.
Hike up your pants, soldier.
Who are you?
I'm Nurse Cramer.
Is Sue Ann not working today?
Nurse Duckett's gone.
Where? Gone home.
To the nurses' quarters?
No, she's gone home. Her tour finished.
When?
She left this morning.
She didn't say anything. We treat a lot of soldiers here.
She's not about to say goodbye to all of them.
Right. Let's have a look at these testicles.
Okay. Looks like you're good to go.
Sorry, sir.
What's your name? Snowden, sir.
What's your first name? Christopher, sir.
I'm John.
This your first mission?
Yes, sir. This is my first mission.
Take a breath, son.
You're gonna be fine, okay?
Let's go. It'll be fun.
Yes, sir.
Hey, where you going?
I'm a tail gunner.
There's nothing to shoot at.
There's no Germans in the air. It's just us.
Have a seat by that window over there. You'll be all right.
Just stay out of that tail.
Yes, sir.
Coming up on two minutes out.
4,000 feet.
See the target on the left? See that?
I got it.
Here we go.
Holding steady.
You lined up, Yossarian? Yes, I'm fucking lined up.
That's the wrong bridge.
Hey, what happened back there? The right engine is hit. We're hit.
Help him. Help him.
Help him. Help who?
The bombardier. Help him.
Help the bombardier. I'm the bombardier.
Then help him. Help him.
Help who? Who is this?
Side gunner. The kid. The new kid. Help him.
Where the hell you going?
Okay, okay.
I'm cold.
You're gonna be all right, okay?
You're gonna be all right.
Shit.
I'm cold.
Well, we're gonna get you warm.
Okay, look.
It's ugly, but it's not as ugly as it looks.
There's no arteries cut so you're not gonna die.
But I'm cold. That's a good sign, you know.
It's a sign that your body is responding properly,
and it's sending the warmth to your leg.
But your brain doesn't know it.
It's all right. It's all right.
What did you say your name was?
It's John. John Yossarian.
John Yossarian.
Okay. Look at me.
Fuck.
Hey, can somebody help me here?
This is a good bandage. Okay?
This is gonna get you home safe.
My dad's a dentist.
Yeah, I knew it. He's gonna be glad to have you back.
Okay, look at me. Look at me.
We're gonna get you back on land.
Doc Daneeka's gonna make you right as rain.
Okay.
Let's get you up.
Come on. Let's get you up.
Shit.
Look at me. Please.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Keep your eyes on me.
Okay. Keep your eyes right on me. Okay.
All right. Okay, now, stay down.
We're just gonna get you comfortable.
Okay. Okay.
Nice and comfortable. Nice and comfortable, okay?
Hey. Nice and comfortable.
Nice and comfortable. Nice and comfortable.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yossarian.
You okay? Hi, Chaplain.
I'm fine.
We had a hairy run, we lost a man, but other than that I'm fine.
You're covered in blood.
It's not mine.
Do you want... Can I get you some clothes?
No, I'm fine, thanks.
How are you?
I'm... Fine. I'm good.
That's good.
Who did you lose?
He was a new kid.
Might not have known him yet.
Where are you off to? I'm heading home.
Can I get you anything?
No, thank you.
None of us can say we really knew Christopher.
But we know the kind of boy he was.
A boy willing to put himself in the path of danger.
A boy barely out of school.
Willing to leave his family and all that he held dear.
All that was safe.
All that was familiar.
To come to a place where those things would seem like a dream.
But there was a bigger dream.
To liberate a world beset by darkness.
Christopher Snowden shared that dream...
With all of us.
When I came here, I knew this would be one of my duties, this.
But nobody really dies here.
They just vanish. They...
They vanish into the sky.
So, I do services, not burials.
Services.
But, thankfully, not today.
We'll keep Christopher Snowden here.
We'll know where he is. We'll know where to find him.
We'll lament that the life he lived
did not turn out to be the life he should have lived.
He was 18.
He didn't get to know the love of a wife.
Or children. That they loved him. They longed for his return.
Just as he longs for them.
Mmm.
Nevertheless, he was greatly loved and will be greatly missed.
Let us pray for his parents, Raymond and Elizabeth.
Hey. What are you doing in a tree?
Oh, hi, Milo.
Can I come up?
Hey, I heard about your protest. Good for you.
This isn't a protest.
Well, good for you.
Whose funeral?
They're burying that kid that got killed in my plane the other day.
What happened to him?
He got killed.
I heard your deal with Cathcart fell through.
You're not going home?
Did you hear about Orr?
He turned up in Sweden.
His body? No.
Alive and well. Apparently, he rowed there.
I don't know. They're saying that's what he did.
Who's saying? Where did you hear this?
Somebody heard it from somebody.
They're all talking about it down there.
If you weren't running around naked, you might have heard it, too.
Hey, good for him.
He'll be all right.
Hey.
Hey, where are you going?
Hey, you're gonna come work with me, right?
We'd be unstoppable.
And during the long winter of 1777,
a Prussian nobleman by the name of Baron von Steuben
aided George Washington greatly in teaching musket drill
to a small unit of 100 soldiers.
Those soldiers taught the remaining Continental Army at Valley Forge.
And so, drill formation has a long and glorious history
that is a living link to the days and the dreams of our Founding Fathers.
And so, here today,
with these shining blue skies that God has seen fit to deliver,
we too are a part of that history.
General Dreedle, commanding officer of the entire European operation,
has come here all the way from London because he has heard about you men.
And your tight formations.
Your fiercely tight formations.
And now, without further ado...
Strike up the band.
And let's start the parade!
For uncommon valor, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
This is Private First-Class James Marsh, sir.
Step forward, Private.
For uncommon valor, I hereby award you the Distinguished Flying Cross.
Well, sir, you know what?
I didn't do nothing my grandpappy didn't teach me.
"Be a straight shooter. Be a straight talker.
"Be a clean fighter," he always used to tell me.
By golly, if I hadn't tried to abide by his advice...
Thank you, Private. I didn't do nothing brave, though.
I did what any other fellow... I'm sure you did. Good for you.
It was like instinct.
And who the hell is this?
This is Yossarian, sir.
I don't know what the hell he thinks he's doing.
Is this some kind of a joke, soldier? What the hell is he doing here?
Captain Yossarian is receiving the Distinguished Flying Cross, sir.
Well, I'll be damned.
Why aren't you wearing clothes, son?
I don't wanna.
What do you mean, you don't want to?
Why the hell don't you want to?
I just don't wanna.
Why isn't he wearing clothes? Why isn't he wearing clothes?
A man was killed in his plane and bled all over him.
He swears he will never wear a uniform...
A man was killed in his plane. He bled all over him,
and he's left his clothes in the laundry.
Where are his other uniforms? They're in the laundry as well, sir.
What about his underwear?
His underwear's in the laundry as well, sir.
Sounds like a lot of crap to me.
It is a lot of crap, sir. Don't worry, sir.
I can promise you that I will personally punish this man.
He will be thrashed within an inch of his life...
What the hell do I care if he's punished or not?
He's just won a medal, for Christ's sake.
My sentiments exactly, sir.
If he wants to receive it without any clothes on,
what the hell business is it of yours?
Did you win a medal?
No, sir, I didn't win a medal.
I commend your bravery, Captain.
What did he do? CATHCART: He blew up a bridge in Ferrara, sir.
Went over the target twice, under enemy fire, sir.
So you're a pilot, son. He's a bombardier, sir.
Why isn't the pilot getting a medal?
He died, sir. No, he didn't.
Yes, he did. No, he didn't.
Jesus Christ, I haven't got all day.
I'm with you there, sir. You shut up.
Soldier, for flying back over Ferrara to blow up a bridge under enemy fire,
I hereby award you
the Distinguished Flying Cross.
Good work, son.
Hi.
I think I'm supposed to be in this tent.
They said I'm supposed to be in tent 12.
Are you Captain Yossarian?
Yes, I am.
Lieutenant Newman.
Hi.
Are you okay?
YoYo, how are we looking down there?
Almost there.
And...
Release.
And release.
♪ Let's call it a day ♪
And release.
♪ Let us say ♪
♪ That we just can't pretend ♪
♪ And we know it's the end ♪
♪ Why delay? ♪
♪ Let's call it a day ♪
And release.