Previously on You, Me, Her...
How often are you having sex?
If I stuck my tongue in Emma's mouth,
she's probably just crack up laughing.
You do it with someone you don't know.
Someone who doesn't laugh when you get your sexy on.
I'm talking about an escort.
- One more week. - There's my little hooker.
We're escorts. It's different.
I love you, weirdo.
Fuck.
Jesus, I can't do this. What's wrong with me?
I came clean.
Don't I get points for coming clean?
- Show me. - Show you what?
I want to see her.
Wow, you are really pretty.
Surprise.
The reason why I hired you
is to save my marriage, actually.
- I met Izzy today. - What?
And I probably should have told you this
a long, long time ago,
but, um...
she wasn't my first girl.
Hey.
So, in the half hour or so that I actually slept,
I had the weirdest dream.
We did it on the kitchen floor...
Wow.
Yeah.
And then you told me
you got a foot job under the table
from a girl.
That's so much like my dream,
except before that girl gave me a foot job under the table,
you made out with her in a hotel room.
What if it really happened?
How crazy would that be?
So crazy.
So what now?
Well, it's early.
- Oh... Oh, God. - Yeah.
Yeah.
There's a reason why that only happens in movies.
Call the CDC.
I think we just created a plague.
- Should we... - Yeah.
You're disgusting.
You make me sick.
Go. Run. Save yourself.
At least one of your organs is in there.
So gross.
Okay, then.
Today is the first day of your life, Isabelle Marie Silva.
You are stripped bare,
born anew,
and now you must wash all the sins of...
Oh, fuck.
Andy.
Or you could just stop being a selfish cunt.
Could you... could you do that for me?
So, can we talk
about this whole girl-girl-girl...
phase,
whatever it was?
Like...
why didn't you tell me about this?
Um...
Something we should have...
I'm sorry. I should have.
Maybe I should see
if Dina has a cancellation later today or something?
Does it bother you?
It's... I think...
we should talk about it at least.
Okay. Yeah.
Just to wrap our heads around it
in the company of a professional?
Yeah.
That is a good idea.
Good, right?
You're full of good ideas.
So, it's me again,
the loathsome, sociopathic no-show from last night?
This is try number seven, Andrew,
which legally constitutes cellular groveling.
So, call now
and receive one sexual favor in a semi-public place...
Sorry, that was... that was weird.
Um, just call me back, okay?
I miss you.
What is that?
Hello.
Whatcha doing?
Don't distract me.
I'm trying to, like, black out the last 60 seconds
so that we can keep living together.
Just, by the way,
it's painfully transparent
that you're only into Andy when he cuts you off.
I'm just saying.
What?
Where are the dolls?
You know what this is?
You're, like, deep into
another of your spastic,
reactionary self-improvement programs, right?
No, Nina.
I'm getting my shit together.
People do it all the time.
No, you...
You do it all the time, Iz.
You ever consider just, like, keeping it together,
relatively speaking?
Or do you secretly dig
this whole death and resurrection cycle
that you're trapped in?
Ahem.
I do have a question for you, though?
Okay.
Yeah. What the fuck is that?
How many times have I told you
to not leave your nail polish up here?
I didn't leave my nail polish up there.
Every time. Does it... Does it look like it belongs?
I don't care about your personal problems,
Piper or Meghan, or whoever you are.
Come in, please.
Fred? Are you in there?
Izzy?
Remember that?
So, here's the thing...
I've been a very, very bad girl, Jack,
and I need some firm counseling.
Think you can do that?
Jack, Jack, Jack.
You know, you can schedule
an emergency therapy session,
lock the doors,
build a moat,
put some sharks in it,
but there's just one little problem...
I'm already inside.
Surprise.
Can you be cool?
I think so.
Ahem. Ahem.
Oh, my God!
Um...
Jack?
Dean Weinstock.
Might I have a word?
You may.
May I suggest "capricious"?
That's a favorite.
Um, so is that my lamp,
or are you just happy to see me?
Wow. Why would I say that?
I sound like I'm offering you sexual favors,
which...
which I guarantee you I'm not.
Are you somebody's son?
I mean, like,
everybody's somebody's son,
but are you, like, somebody's son,
like a big client or something?
Please tell me you're not.
I'm going to write you a really good recommendation
when you go back to school.
Oh, don't bother clearing that browsing history.
Your porn's already been logged and ostracized.
I don't... porn on this...
on the computers, no.
That's not my...
I'm joking.
Okay.
Funny.
However, there is something we need to talk about.
Whatever you feel matters only to you.
Whatever you do about it matters to the world.
Your life and your relationships
are a sum of your choices and actions.
Meatloaf is just an excuse
to serve a giant bunless hamburger.
Andy! Hi. Hi. You called.
Um, choose your favorite greeting.
One...
I am a nice guy, Iz,
but don't mistake that for me being a pushover.
How about we just move on to something healthier?
Please?
Okay.
All right, all right.
You know what, it worked.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but your stupid moron plan actually worked.
Em and I are having crazy sex.
We mopped the kitchen floor with each other last night.
Mm-hmm.
Like, real sex.
We were engaged and looking at each other...
and making out.
We haven't made out in years.
I think we're going to do it tonight, too.
You're welcome.
My work here is done.
Why am I still fantasizing about Izzy, though,
instead of Emma?
Dude, honestly,
does anybody fantasize about their wife?
I mean, I own
an obscenely expensive black sports car
that does 0 to 140 in, like, six seconds.
Do you think I fantasize
about driving
an obscenely expensive black sports car
that does 0 to 140 in six seconds?
That makes no sense whatsoever.
I'll get the Meaty Jackson 3
and he'll have The Hot Angie.
Thank you.
So, just to be clear,
my wife is the car in your metaphor?
- Yeah. Yeah. - I don't get it.
A very sexy car.
If there was a reasonable method,
I'd totally fuck my car.
Why do I come...
What? What?
What is your problem?
There's a million people I could come to advice for,
I come to you. I have a lot of my plate right now.
I have...
Weinstock is retiring as dean
and he's recommending me as his replacement.
I know.
So... so, in addition
to you being unable to avoid getting laid,
even in your sleep,
you're gonna be the dean
of one of the top private high schools
on the West Coast?
I walked right into that one.
Yeah.
God!
- Gotta get the food here. - Get the food.
It's the least you can do after I pay for it.
Thank you.
Here's the thing, man, with Izzy,
we didn't just make out.
We went much further than that.
What kind of guy does something like that?
A guy with a dick?
The other problem I have is
Weinstock said that they monitor
our Internet use at the office,
and I used the office computer to contact Izzy.
You what?
Ow! Come on, man. Stop fucking smacking me.
Stop being such a dumb-ass!
- We are adults. - Adults?
We are adults.
Get your hands off my suit!
- Oh, what? - Yeah.
What was that?
Sorry, sorry. He's my brother. I apologize.
Listen, you better run.
Stay with it.
Say no to your brain's defense mechanism
of retreat and surrender.
Say yes to your will, your intentions.
You're not going to have an orgasm, are you?
Mm. No promises.
I'm having some kind of mind-body renaissance.
Stay present.
Be with your body.
Trust your body.
Be thankful for all that she does for you.
Hear her.
I can hear this one Kegel-ing from over here.
Shut up!
Oh, wow, Emma, just beautiful.
You're glowing.
Everyone, if you can manage to look over here at Emma,
this is what it looks like to trust your body.
You inspire me, Emma.
I have a great teacher.
Namaste.
And into downward dog.
Got a little something on your nose, there, Moonbeam.
Jealous much?
I'm simply accustomed
to being better than you at everything,
especially yoga.
You are not better than me at everything.
I'm waiting.
I'm better than you at hooking up with girls.
Are we talking about
the hideously deformed grad student?
We are.
We made out in the bathroom.
After she gave me a foot job under the table.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Oh.
What's wrong?
Just...
If you're back into chicks, why not me, you big lesbo?
I mean, I'd refuse you, of course, but...
Okay, first of all, I am not a "big lesbo,"
which is offensive, by the way.
And second...
I don't even know if I'm "back into chicks."
Double air quotes. Mine.
So did she initiate?
Were you, like, a passive participant or...
I was no lady in the ladies room.
What does that mean?
How far did you go?
Were you guys, like, eating at the Y?
Ew. I don't even know what that means.
Have you told Jack?
Yeah.
I kind of feel like
I'm dangling my marriage out a 10-story window right now.
But at the same time,
I'm into him more than ever.
You know, I want him again.
Does that make sense?
People jump out of perfectly good airplanes
for a reason, babydoll.
Maybe.
Are you and Carmen having your post-yoga wine?
A little Pinot?
She took mine
when I air quoted twice in the same sentence.
Okay, good,
because I just booked a time with Dina in about 30 minutes.
I'll meet you there.
I'm gonna get there early,
and just kind of establish my position
as the good guy in this situation.
A, our shrink is a chick,
B, you started the whole thing
by calling a hooker,
so C, you are screwed.
Wait, did you just say
all this in front of Carmen?
No. No, of course not.
She's, uh...
she's pooping.
I'm sure she'll be thrilled
you're outing her pooping habits.
Yeah.
It's... it's a yoga thing.
You know, run to the bathroom,
occasional fight over a stall.
You know, yoga.
Okay. I love you. See you there.
Love you, Babe. Bye.
I'm sorry.
Anything but poo. Anything but poo.
You know what, just next time, tell him I died.
There you are.
Okay.
I'm trying really hard
to be... patiently submissive here,
but this steely silence thing
is... is...
just about to cross the line
between self-empowerment and douchebaggery.
I think you might be my penance.
For the evil man-deeds of your past?
You gotta see it
through now, right?
Suffer. Be cleansed.
I'm all done suffering, Iz.
I know.
Yeah, you do?
I do. Yes.
Good,
'cause you are going to take me on a proper date.
Is that right?
You are going to court me first.
Okay.
Then you're going to woo me...
Uh-huh.
And wine and dine me.
Any chance I'm gonna get some?
I'm a sure thing. Yeah. Complete slut.
Sold.
So when's the big date?
Right now.
No possibility of flaking
or turning it into some sloppy booty call.
Let's just go.
Okay, just bag it up.
What?
Recall, if you will,
literally counting down from 60 on your phone?
You know when I get the O.C.
I was cleaning,
shit was crazy at the house.
Like, I'm sweating.
Like, I'm... I'm not... I'm vile right now.
You really need to give me a minute.
Suffer. Be cleansed.
Why don't we... just meet here in an hour?
Okay?
I wanna be pretty for you.
Um... you're cheating.
What?
- This is cheating. - What? No.
Am I ever going to have any control in this thing?
How honest do you want me to be?
It was the summer of my junior year,
and Barcelona was crawling with students.
I...
I was in this bar,
and this girl comes in,
and she was with this really good-looking dude,
so I thought it was her boyfriend.
Turns out he was her gay best friend.
And...
He dared us to make out.
He took up a collection.
Oh, God, this is...
Well, Dina said we could unlock the memories.
It's unhealthy to deny the past,
especially from our partners.
It's who we are.
Awesome. Yeah. Keep going, honey.
It turns out Evangeline had, um... put him up to it.
Please. I'm sorry, Dina.
Evangeline?
No one's really called Evangeline.
At first, we would just
steal kisses in alleys...
Then we would walk through town, holding hands...
It's embarrassing how cool I thought I was.
I'm currently embarrassed for you,
your telling this story.
You know, I think I was in love with her.
Yeah.
I was in love with...
I almost fucked Izzy.
Yeah. As long as we're unlocking secrets.
I almost fucked Izzy.
We were right on the border, man.
It was like on the razor's edge.
Oh, well, you know,
If you have unfinished business,
by all means, be my guest.
Well, excuse me,
I'm the one sitting here,
listening to your dreamy lesbian nostalgia-gasm.
Okay, you guys, let's not...
Back up, Dina, okay? This is our moment.
It's your obscenely expensive session,
so have at it.
Okay, since it is our session,
can I talk about this fucking music, okay?
This elevator music from hell.
Is this music?
I mean, it feels like...
If it is, please turn it up so I can recognize it as music,
otherwise turn it the fuck down,
'cause I want to skull-fuck someone
with this Guantanamo Bay shit!
The music is really annoying.
Please.
That's so sweet.
The enemy of my enemy.
Okay, to both of you...
how did it end with these respective lovers?
Evangeline and Izzy?
Um...
You want to go first?
Finish your story?
Now, hold on just a second.
Where is that remote?
This just got interesting.
Ugh...
Hey.
Hey, you.
You were just really throwing it back.
It's just a reasonable,
moderate dose of, you know, liquid courage, I guess.
You look gorgeous.
You're such a nice guy.
My balls just ran away from my body.
No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that!
I mean, like, you're The Premium Package.
You're, like, hot enough to be a dick and get away with it,
but you're not.
Okay, well,
would it be better if I was a dick?
If I made this, like, way harder?
Hey, what if I was a married dick?
Girls like you, you dig that kind of stuff, right?
Girls like me?
Oh, don't pretend to be the wounded one, okay?
I couldn't even get you to be here
until I shut you down.
Shit.
I guess...
You do know women.
I was raised by a mother and two big sisters.
Might explain
my debilitating emotional availability.
Yeah, you are pretty fucked up.
Ahem.
Iz, I'm not gonna bullshit you, okay?
This "date" of ours...
This has to be the beginning of us,
like, as a couple, okay?
For full disclosure's sake,
I very much want it to end with relatively sober-ish sex.
Like, romantic sex, you know?
I want to wake up in the morning with you,
have you still be there.
I want to make you breakfast.
I want...
I want to know the real thing with you.
If that's not what you had in mind,
and, you know,
you're just luring me back in
to prove that you can or whatever,
let's just end it right here and now.
Wow. Okay.
That's, uh...
I mean, I've let this go on for a really long time, right?
Like, I'm sure we could both agree on that.
Moment of truth, Iz...
Like, you're all in, or I'm out.
Is that a good sigh or a bad sigh?
I love you so fucking much.
I love you.
You know that, right?
Like a rock.
Like a rock?
It's, like, a '70s song.
Don't cry.
Please don't cry. I'm not mad.
I'm not crying.
So how did it end?
I just want to know how it ended, you know?
I think...
this whole thing with this...
this girl...
that told you her name was Evangeline...
I wasn't fooled.
It was part of the game.
I told her my name was Lyric.
You did not?
I did.
She bought that?
Yeah.
And then you just never tried to contact her?
I don't know.
Summer ended. I went home.
I just went back to being me, Emma.
And then there was Girl Number Two?
Mm-hmm.
And another.
There's other girls?
How many girls are we talking about?
That was it.
I swear.
It wasn't like that. It wasn't...
It wasn't a thing.
It's totally a fucking thing.
How can you say that?
I mean, this is...
It just never came up.
What is... why didn't you tell me?
Well, how did you end it?
With who?
With who? With Izzy.
Izzy's an escort.
You don't have to end things. You just don't call them again.
You've had no contact with her since the hotel?
Like, at all?
Why are you saying it like that?
'Cause I'm asking you,
have you or have you not had contact with her?
I...
I saw her once.
I saw her outside.
I just wanted to tell her
that I couldn't see her ever again,
and that it was over,
and goodbye.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
I was going to tell you.
I wanted to see her, too.
This is fucked up.
Yeah.
What the fuck is happening?
I don't know.
Are you proposing...
Mom!
What are you doing?
You scared the feces out of me!
I'm 16.
Please just say "shit" like everybody else.
Language.
What?
"Feces" is grosser.
Why are we spying on the Trakarskys?
Don't be ridiculous.
We aren't spying, honey.
We're just...
wondering.
Okay.
- So, hi. - Hi.
Hi.