1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,500 2 00:00:04,890 --> 00:00:07,158 Previously on You, Me, Her... 3 00:00:07,159 --> 00:00:08,360 You do it with someone you don't know... 4 00:00:08,361 --> 00:00:11,296 someone who doesn't laugh when you get your sexy on. 5 00:00:11,297 --> 00:00:12,498 I'm talking about an escort. 6 00:00:12,499 --> 00:00:14,499 Jack Trakarsky? 7 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:15,834 I'm Izzy Silva. 8 00:00:15,835 --> 00:00:17,035 I met Izzy today. 9 00:00:17,036 --> 00:00:18,170 We made out. 10 00:00:18,171 --> 00:00:20,371 After she gave me a footjob under the table. 11 00:00:20,373 --> 00:00:21,706 I kind of feel like I'm dangling my marriage 12 00:00:21,707 --> 00:00:24,643 out a 10-story window right now. 13 00:00:24,644 --> 00:00:26,111 Weinstock is retiring as Dean. 14 00:00:26,112 --> 00:00:28,113 He's recommending me as his replacement. 15 00:00:28,114 --> 00:00:29,180 Izzy's an escort. 16 00:00:29,181 --> 00:00:32,117 You don't have to end things. You just don't call them again. 17 00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:35,254 Mom! What are you doing? 18 00:00:39,509 --> 00:00:41,459 - So, hi, - Hi. 19 00:00:41,460 --> 00:00:43,662 Hi. 20 00:00:58,094 --> 00:01:00,476 I can't feel my hands, or my feet, 21 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,814 or the top of my head. Do I smell baked goods? 22 00:01:02,815 --> 00:01:04,019 Does that mean I'm having a stroke? 23 00:01:04,021 --> 00:01:05,111 Oh, it's a candle. 24 00:01:05,113 --> 00:01:06,884 "Pumpkin Spice." Um... 25 00:01:06,886 --> 00:01:08,406 A stroke is burnt toast. 26 00:01:08,758 --> 00:01:09,967 That's good to know, thank you. 27 00:01:10,969 --> 00:01:13,319 Just the three of us here, now, first time, together, 28 00:01:13,321 --> 00:01:15,122 in close proximity. 29 00:01:15,966 --> 00:01:17,033 Kinda... 30 00:01:17,237 --> 00:01:18,772 kinda takes it to the next level. 31 00:01:21,227 --> 00:01:23,039 Yeah. Um... 32 00:01:23,904 --> 00:01:27,161 I sprinted away from a date with an amazing guy, 33 00:01:27,382 --> 00:01:29,116 cyber-stalked your home address, 34 00:01:29,406 --> 00:01:31,075 and just barely escaped 35 00:01:31,077 --> 00:01:33,714 the warning screams of my inner critic. 36 00:01:33,716 --> 00:01:35,848 This is nice here. I like your house. 37 00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:37,115 We were just talking about you, 38 00:01:37,116 --> 00:01:39,475 literally two seconds before you knocked on the door. 39 00:01:39,477 --> 00:01:41,251 It's, like, strange. 40 00:01:41,253 --> 00:01:42,631 That's so sweet. 41 00:01:42,782 --> 00:01:44,183 And weird. 42 00:01:44,457 --> 00:01:47,449 So how long am I gonna be chained up in your basement? 43 00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:50,328 I'm mostly free until midterms in December, so. 44 00:01:51,682 --> 00:01:53,164 She does that. 45 00:01:53,166 --> 00:01:56,113 Well, you know, Jack's made it real cozy down there. 46 00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:57,824 Fridge, mini-bar, couch. 47 00:01:58,007 --> 00:01:59,074 Good. I'm in. 48 00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,399 We have Quaaludes down there 49 00:02:00,401 --> 00:02:02,666 which will erode your sense of time, 50 00:02:02,668 --> 00:02:03,768 if that's your thing. 51 00:02:06,884 --> 00:02:07,954 This is so not us. 52 00:02:07,956 --> 00:02:10,292 We've never done anything like this before. 53 00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:14,427 Haven't dusted off that line since college. 54 00:02:14,474 --> 00:02:16,161 - Honey, you used that line on me. - Don't... don't obsess. 55 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:18,364 Man, I am really nervous. 56 00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:21,376 Is my voice as shaky as it sounds in my head? 57 00:02:21,985 --> 00:02:23,294 Did someone mention Quaaludes? 58 00:02:23,295 --> 00:02:25,095 - Yeah, I was joking. - Oh, sorry. 59 00:02:25,097 --> 00:02:26,690 - Yeah, we don't... we don't have any sedatives. - No. 60 00:02:26,691 --> 00:02:28,066 - We have a... - We have a load good wine. 61 00:02:28,074 --> 00:02:29,041 - ... case. - Fantastic wine. 62 00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:30,923 - Yeah, a case of wine that we got at this... - A Pinot, we got at the vineyard. 63 00:02:30,925 --> 00:02:32,300 - ... fantastic little vineyard. - She loves it. 64 00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:35,356 - It was beautiful. In Northern California. - And it's not too expensive. 65 00:02:35,358 --> 00:02:36,358 - But it's perfect... - We should really go. 66 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:37,640 We had a really nice time there. 67 00:02:37,969 --> 00:02:39,297 We kind of have some of that. 68 00:02:39,299 --> 00:02:41,076 - If that's your thing. - It's delicious. Made of grapes. 69 00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:42,264 Yes. 70 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,272 All right, let's pop some corks, dickheads. 71 00:02:45,184 --> 00:02:46,785 Do we look like dickheads? 72 00:02:46,786 --> 00:02:48,653 I think she meant that affectionately. 73 00:02:48,654 --> 00:02:50,097 This should do. 74 00:02:50,099 --> 00:02:51,798 - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe not those. - Not those. 75 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,649 - They're not really for drinking. - Yeah. They're for show. 76 00:03:04,736 --> 00:03:06,271 Well, I'd summarize it like this... 77 00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:07,406 we, that is, 78 00:03:07,915 --> 00:03:09,874 Jack and I, have crossed a threshold 79 00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:11,876 into a unique marital dimension... 80 00:03:11,877 --> 00:03:14,289 Speaking of talking like we're high... 81 00:03:14,551 --> 00:03:16,551 Oh, when I get just the right combination 82 00:03:16,553 --> 00:03:18,082 of nervous and inebriated, 83 00:03:18,084 --> 00:03:20,452 I get grandiloquent and orotund 84 00:03:20,454 --> 00:03:22,153 and I use words that nobody uses, 85 00:03:22,154 --> 00:03:23,280 and then I try and negate it 86 00:03:23,282 --> 00:03:24,956 with a disarming self-awareness... 87 00:03:24,957 --> 00:03:27,187 Um, after that, 88 00:03:27,289 --> 00:03:29,195 I have to insist. 89 00:03:29,197 --> 00:03:31,927 This is a gentle, well-intentioned Indica. 90 00:03:32,438 --> 00:03:33,523 Indi-what? 91 00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:35,195 Indica. 92 00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:36,978 No minds will be blown. 93 00:03:37,636 --> 00:03:39,504 The best kind of pot you can find. 94 00:03:39,505 --> 00:03:40,552 Oh, it's weed? 95 00:03:48,257 --> 00:03:51,839 If you were to create "A Good Guy" in a lab... 96 00:03:52,746 --> 00:03:54,586 that's what I left on a bar stool. 97 00:03:56,001 --> 00:03:57,735 How fucked up is that? 98 00:03:58,057 --> 00:04:01,392 Should we talk about your obvious commitment issues? 99 00:04:01,393 --> 00:04:03,803 Shall we revisit what I told you last time? 100 00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:05,146 Blow me? 101 00:04:09,401 --> 00:04:12,138 Why do we talk about Izzy all the time? 102 00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:15,193 Why did she impulsively come over? 103 00:04:15,195 --> 00:04:18,610 Why are we doing whatever it is we're doing? 104 00:04:18,611 --> 00:04:20,879 Why, why, why, why... 105 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,182 why... 106 00:04:23,614 --> 00:04:25,015 The house of why. 107 00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,359 You got the hiccups? 108 00:04:30,361 --> 00:04:32,204 I get stoned super easy these days. 109 00:04:32,491 --> 00:04:33,625 Have you noticed? 110 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:37,174 I keep replaying what happened at that bar. 111 00:04:37,983 --> 00:04:40,202 I pleasured myself at my desk, thinking of you. 112 00:04:40,204 --> 00:04:43,225 You didn't? You didn't? 113 00:04:43,227 --> 00:04:45,036 I did. 114 00:04:45,037 --> 00:04:46,107 Emma. 115 00:04:46,109 --> 00:04:49,707 We both masturbated at our respective workplaces. 116 00:04:50,742 --> 00:04:51,843 You didn't? 117 00:04:51,844 --> 00:04:54,107 And now we're sitting here in our living room telling you. 118 00:04:54,109 --> 00:04:55,298 This isn't weird at all. 119 00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:56,376 Are you freaked out? 120 00:04:56,378 --> 00:04:57,501 You must be so freaked out. 121 00:04:57,503 --> 00:04:59,509 You can run. We won't tackle you. 122 00:04:59,511 --> 00:05:01,319 No. No, no, no. 123 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,921 I am way too insecure 124 00:05:02,922 --> 00:05:05,590 to feel anything but flattered 125 00:05:05,591 --> 00:05:08,060 that anybody would jack off to me. 126 00:05:09,461 --> 00:05:10,662 Guys, I need you to know 127 00:05:10,663 --> 00:05:14,532 that I, like, have done nothing but think about you. 128 00:05:14,533 --> 00:05:17,602 I have tried to wash it away 129 00:05:17,603 --> 00:05:19,337 with... with booze 130 00:05:19,338 --> 00:05:21,472 and... and cleaning products, 131 00:05:21,473 --> 00:05:24,275 but you guys are stubborn. 132 00:05:24,276 --> 00:05:25,877 Like a stain. 133 00:05:25,878 --> 00:05:27,679 Like a... like a beautiful stain. 134 00:05:28,948 --> 00:05:29,881 Very handsome... 135 00:05:29,882 --> 00:05:32,684 handsome... 136 00:05:32,685 --> 00:05:33,952 stain. 137 00:05:42,828 --> 00:05:45,831 Yeah, but we agree that this is a business arrangement, right? 138 00:05:50,302 --> 00:05:52,036 Yeah. Of course. 139 00:05:52,037 --> 00:05:54,572 Abso-fucking-lutely. 140 00:05:54,573 --> 00:05:56,708 Yeah. Rent doesn't pay itself. 141 00:05:56,709 --> 00:05:58,843 She's like our mutual hall pass. 142 00:05:58,844 --> 00:06:00,044 Yeah. 143 00:06:00,045 --> 00:06:01,913 Yeah, we each get two sessions a week with her? 144 00:06:01,914 --> 00:06:03,582 I mean... I mean, you. 145 00:06:05,784 --> 00:06:06,851 Thank you for remembering 146 00:06:06,852 --> 00:06:09,787 that I'm both present and a human being. 147 00:06:09,788 --> 00:06:11,522 We could just book her for the whole month 148 00:06:11,523 --> 00:06:12,457 and then we can revisit it... 149 00:06:12,458 --> 00:06:13,524 Yeah. 150 00:06:13,525 --> 00:06:14,660 ... at that point. 151 00:06:16,729 --> 00:06:19,130 Okay, so... 152 00:06:19,131 --> 00:06:21,066 here's my deal... 153 00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:22,867 I'm probably gonna be shutting down a lot of regulars, 154 00:06:22,868 --> 00:06:23,935 I'll probably lose a few, 155 00:06:23,936 --> 00:06:26,604 so I'm gonna have to charge you guys a premium. 156 00:06:26,605 --> 00:06:28,473 Oh, and I'm gonna have to get you guys 157 00:06:28,474 --> 00:06:30,074 to pay the month in advance 158 00:06:30,075 --> 00:06:32,076 to hold Mondays through Thursdays, 159 00:06:32,077 --> 00:06:35,881 'cause weekends are for non-paying relationships only. 160 00:06:36,615 --> 00:06:37,682 So, we good? 161 00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:40,618 I'm good. You good, Em? 162 00:06:40,619 --> 00:06:41,953 Yeah, but we agree 163 00:06:41,954 --> 00:06:46,491 that the intimacy is, like, non-penetrationable, right? 164 00:06:46,492 --> 00:06:49,560 Okay, so if that's that, 165 00:06:49,561 --> 00:06:52,630 does anyone want to write up a formal contract, 166 00:06:52,631 --> 00:06:56,435 or will a spirited round of businessman handshakes suffice? 167 00:06:59,171 --> 00:07:02,040 That's my ride at the corner, so I'm gonna fly. 168 00:07:02,895 --> 00:07:04,763 Mr. Trakarsky. 169 00:07:04,765 --> 00:07:06,318 Mrs. Trakarsky. 170 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,588 It's been a fucking slice. 171 00:07:14,954 --> 00:07:16,955 - Did she leave? - Yeah. 172 00:07:16,956 --> 00:07:18,022 She took the weed. 173 00:07:24,029 --> 00:07:25,096 I know I started it, 174 00:07:25,097 --> 00:07:27,632 but I really think we got too business-ey with Izzy last night. 175 00:07:27,633 --> 00:07:29,901 Objectified her. Hurt her feelings. 176 00:07:29,902 --> 00:07:31,502 Honey, she is an escort 177 00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:33,104 and we are her clients, 178 00:07:33,105 --> 00:07:34,706 so the whole situation 179 00:07:34,707 --> 00:07:36,040 is inherently business-ey. 180 00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:38,742 I just think we need to set clear boundaries, you know, 181 00:07:38,753 --> 00:07:40,938 and make sure this whole thing doesn't spin out of control. 182 00:07:41,579 --> 00:07:42,847 You mean so one of us 183 00:07:42,848 --> 00:07:44,048 doesn't develop feelings for another? 184 00:07:44,049 --> 00:07:45,917 Maybe. 185 00:07:45,918 --> 00:07:49,387 Has one of us already developed feelings for another? 186 00:07:49,388 --> 00:07:50,722 No. 187 00:07:50,723 --> 00:07:52,190 I saw those googly eyes you were giving her last night. 188 00:07:52,191 --> 00:07:53,524 Googly eyes? 189 00:07:53,525 --> 00:07:54,726 Those are my stoned eyes. 190 00:07:54,727 --> 00:07:57,528 I totally know the difference, and those were googly eyes. 191 00:07:57,529 --> 00:07:58,596 I know your stoned eyes. 192 00:07:58,597 --> 00:07:59,664 I'm telling you, 193 00:07:59,665 --> 00:08:00,732 all throughout college, 194 00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:01,799 people were like, "Hey, are you hitting on me?" 195 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,001 I was like, "No, I'm just super high over here." 196 00:08:03,002 --> 00:08:03,935 - That is not true. - It is true. 197 00:08:03,936 --> 00:08:05,003 I don't believe that. 198 00:08:05,004 --> 00:08:07,538 Were they red? Like, very reddish? But squinty? 199 00:08:07,539 --> 00:08:08,740 I know your googly eyes. 200 00:08:08,741 --> 00:08:10,742 That's not it, okay, so stop saying it. 201 00:08:10,743 --> 00:08:12,477 I don't know why I have to defend myself. 202 00:08:12,478 --> 00:08:14,612 I just think it's better for all of us 203 00:08:14,613 --> 00:08:15,680 if we have it 204 00:08:15,681 --> 00:08:17,548 as a clearly defined business arrangement, okay? 205 00:08:17,549 --> 00:08:19,017 Payment for services rendered. 206 00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:20,084 Okay. 207 00:08:20,085 --> 00:08:21,285 Right. 208 00:08:21,286 --> 00:08:23,755 So how do we decide who gets her first? 209 00:08:24,623 --> 00:08:26,090 - Ew. - Yeah. 210 00:08:26,091 --> 00:08:28,092 Ew. That sounded bad. 211 00:08:28,093 --> 00:08:29,961 I just grossed myself out. 212 00:08:29,962 --> 00:08:31,763 Just flip a coin? 213 00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:33,965 Rock-paper-scissors? 214 00:08:33,966 --> 00:08:35,433 You know what? I'm just gonna go first. 215 00:08:35,434 --> 00:08:37,435 - How is that fair? - Ladies first. 216 00:08:37,936 --> 00:08:40,415 There's two ladies in this situation. That's unfair. 217 00:08:40,428 --> 00:08:42,273 I will never get to go first. Like, ever. 218 00:08:42,474 --> 00:08:43,141 Once every three times, I guess, 219 00:08:43,142 --> 00:08:45,110 but... that's not enough. 220 00:08:45,978 --> 00:08:48,112 Should be 50/50. We should... 221 00:08:48,113 --> 00:08:51,250 Ladies... Oh, my. Hello. 222 00:08:53,452 --> 00:08:55,453 - Is this... us deciding? - Uh-huh. 223 00:08:55,454 --> 00:08:56,722 Oh, my God. 224 00:09:05,731 --> 00:09:07,065 So we have a deal? 225 00:09:07,066 --> 00:09:09,867 - I get to go first? - Mm-hmm. 226 00:09:09,868 --> 00:09:10,935 You promise? 227 00:09:10,936 --> 00:09:12,670 No. 228 00:09:12,671 --> 00:09:13,604 Should I stop? 229 00:09:13,605 --> 00:09:15,606 Is this how we're gonna decide things from now on? 230 00:09:15,607 --> 00:09:18,142 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. 231 00:09:18,143 --> 00:09:19,744 Do you like it? 232 00:09:19,745 --> 00:09:21,212 I do, but I feel like I'm being short-sighted. 233 00:09:21,213 --> 00:09:23,148 Stupid penis. 234 00:09:24,817 --> 00:09:26,684 Through the use of rational thought. 235 00:09:26,685 --> 00:09:27,752 But with sensory memory, 236 00:09:27,753 --> 00:09:29,620 the brain is designed 237 00:09:29,621 --> 00:09:31,756 only to process information 238 00:09:31,757 --> 00:09:33,891 that will be useful at a later date. 239 00:09:33,892 --> 00:09:35,760 Psst! 240 00:09:35,761 --> 00:09:37,829 Sorry. Sorry. 241 00:09:39,631 --> 00:09:42,901 You could meet me halfway and move your legs, dickface? 242 00:09:46,438 --> 00:09:47,973 Hi. 243 00:09:50,976 --> 00:09:53,111 I'm in class dressed like a horny WNBA player. 244 00:09:53,112 --> 00:09:54,846 You could at least ask. 245 00:09:54,847 --> 00:09:56,848 Kinda tells its own story, man. 246 00:09:56,849 --> 00:09:59,517 I had to Google an hour's worth of basketball jargon. 247 00:09:59,518 --> 00:10:01,119 In case it, like, ever comes up, 248 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,186 there really isn't 249 00:10:02,187 --> 00:10:03,921 an hour's worth of basketball jargon, 250 00:10:03,922 --> 00:10:06,057 so I just started, like, making shit up. 251 00:10:06,058 --> 00:10:06,991 Yeah. 252 00:10:06,992 --> 00:10:08,152 Hey, can I borrow your notes? 253 00:10:10,596 --> 00:10:11,796 All yours. 254 00:10:11,797 --> 00:10:14,266 What have you been doing for the last 34 minutes? 255 00:10:17,536 --> 00:10:19,071 I honestly have no idea. 256 00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:28,212 I'm gonna need your notes, Stan. Two copies, bring 'em tomorrow? 257 00:10:28,213 --> 00:10:30,282 Sure. Absolutely. 258 00:10:31,950 --> 00:10:33,885 It's Kyle, by the way. 259 00:10:35,687 --> 00:10:37,155 But Stan works. Yeah. 260 00:10:37,156 --> 00:10:39,358 I can be Stan. 261 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,027 Don't worry. Ken's got it. 262 00:10:43,028 --> 00:10:45,364 He just told you his name was Dan. 263 00:10:46,304 --> 00:10:47,832 - What? - Kyle. 264 00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:48,766 - Kyle. - Kyle? 265 00:10:54,907 --> 00:10:56,507 Sorry I'm late, Frank. 266 00:10:56,508 --> 00:10:57,575 College essays. 267 00:10:57,576 --> 00:11:00,244 My God, is it possible for every kid who has under a three-five 268 00:11:00,245 --> 00:11:01,712 to have ADHD 269 00:11:01,713 --> 00:11:03,527 and multiple deaths in the family? 270 00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:04,558 I miss the days 271 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,784 when you still felt obligated to kiss my ass and call me Dean. 272 00:11:06,785 --> 00:11:08,519 You're in my fucking chair, Dean. 273 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,121 Kiss my ass, Jack. 274 00:11:10,122 --> 00:11:11,189 Got it. 275 00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:12,256 I'm not even officially retired yet, 276 00:11:12,257 --> 00:11:15,193 and I'm already bored to fucking death. 277 00:11:15,194 --> 00:11:16,928 Hey, 278 00:11:16,929 --> 00:11:18,796 Now that I don't have to worry about testing, 279 00:11:18,797 --> 00:11:20,932 I'm really into the idea of trying out the new drugs. 280 00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:23,067 How does one "roll"? 281 00:11:23,068 --> 00:11:24,802 Wait. We have drug testing? 282 00:11:24,803 --> 00:11:25,736 Technically. 283 00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:26,938 I can't remember the last one. 284 00:11:26,939 --> 00:11:30,007 Okay, so the Alumni Board has all your records, 285 00:11:30,008 --> 00:11:31,075 they meet to discuss on Monday. 286 00:11:31,076 --> 00:11:33,344 Hey, can they really track my browser history? 287 00:11:33,345 --> 00:11:34,412 Like you were... 288 00:11:34,413 --> 00:11:36,280 'cause that seems... 289 00:11:36,281 --> 00:11:39,083 That seems un... un... like... 290 00:11:39,084 --> 00:11:42,019 Amer... like unethical or something. It's un-something. 291 00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:44,689 This is Hamilton, Jack, so, yeah, they're gonna dig, but... 292 00:11:44,690 --> 00:11:47,091 seriously, you do use Incognito Mode? 293 00:11:47,092 --> 00:11:50,294 What's "Incognito Mode"? 294 00:11:50,295 --> 00:11:52,163 Oh, boy. 295 00:11:58,971 --> 00:12:01,105 Hmm... what would I wear 296 00:12:01,106 --> 00:12:03,107 on a first date with a female 297 00:12:03,108 --> 00:12:04,709 grad-student-slash-escort 298 00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:06,978 I'm sharing with my husband? 299 00:12:06,979 --> 00:12:08,312 Keep trying to be funny. 300 00:12:08,313 --> 00:12:10,951 It's irritating, but it distracts me. 301 00:12:10,983 --> 00:12:12,813 I'm so nervous, I couldn't go this morning. 302 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:14,986 I feel like I'm pregnant. 303 00:12:14,987 --> 00:12:16,187 I have a poo baby. 304 00:12:16,188 --> 00:12:18,055 Do you and Jack talk a lot about your digestive issues? 305 00:12:18,056 --> 00:12:19,390 Because you should know the rest of us don't. 306 00:12:19,391 --> 00:12:21,659 See, for example, I don't need to know 307 00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:24,996 whether you pooped or not on any given day. 308 00:12:24,997 --> 00:12:26,464 What about this one? 309 00:12:26,465 --> 00:12:27,932 Hot. Yeah. 310 00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:29,800 If I were an underage groupie 311 00:12:29,801 --> 00:12:31,269 with deep-seated self-esteem issues, 312 00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:32,870 I'd buy out the whole shop. 313 00:12:32,871 --> 00:12:34,739 Yeah, let's go throw back some Jaeger shots 314 00:12:34,740 --> 00:12:36,474 and go to a "Modest Mouse" show, dude. 315 00:12:36,475 --> 00:12:39,677 Dear God, even your young-chick references are old. 316 00:12:39,678 --> 00:12:41,079 Hey... 317 00:12:42,214 --> 00:12:44,282 How about that? 318 00:12:45,150 --> 00:12:47,418 Help me. Help me, help me. 319 00:12:47,419 --> 00:12:49,020 Oh, chill. 320 00:12:49,021 --> 00:12:51,022 I'm sure lezzing is just like riding a bike. 321 00:12:51,023 --> 00:12:52,223 It'll come back to you. 322 00:12:52,224 --> 00:12:54,225 I haven't ridden a bike in so long. 323 00:12:54,226 --> 00:12:57,295 Listen, you wear that, I will totally lezinate you. 324 00:12:57,296 --> 00:12:58,896 Okay, you can stop trying to create 325 00:12:58,897 --> 00:13:01,066 different permutations of the word "lez" now. 326 00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,467 - What a second, are we vibrating? - Oh. 327 00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:04,502 Is that how lezitation works? 328 00:13:04,503 --> 00:13:07,838 It's my phone, jackass. 329 00:13:07,839 --> 00:13:10,107 - Aw... Izzy. - Dear God. 330 00:13:10,108 --> 00:13:12,777 Are you 13? Just got your period? 331 00:13:12,778 --> 00:13:14,579 You're jealous, asshole. 332 00:13:26,525 --> 00:13:28,326 Retro fitness. I respect that. 333 00:13:29,194 --> 00:13:30,795 Fem Fit says this chick nailed it way back when. 334 00:13:30,796 --> 00:13:33,998 Everything you need in 15 minutes. 335 00:13:33,999 --> 00:13:35,333 Do you know where my vape is? 336 00:13:35,334 --> 00:13:36,267 I'm getting super stressed 337 00:13:36,268 --> 00:13:37,468 by my date with Emma. 338 00:13:37,469 --> 00:13:40,404 So they're getting some freaky version of sex therapy, 339 00:13:40,405 --> 00:13:41,872 but what're you getting out of it? 340 00:13:41,873 --> 00:13:44,141 - 16 sessions paid upfront? - Great. 341 00:13:44,142 --> 00:13:46,077 It's on the table, Dingdong. 342 00:13:46,945 --> 00:13:48,851 Fem Fit also says habitual pot use 343 00:13:48,856 --> 00:13:51,349 - causes degenerative heart failure diseases... - Jesus, Fem Fit, 344 00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:52,884 your guide to a joyless fucking life. 345 00:13:53,885 --> 00:13:55,219 Should I wear these? 346 00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:56,687 - No. - Why not? 347 00:13:56,688 --> 00:13:58,490 Just don't. 348 00:14:05,497 --> 00:14:07,098 My God, I'm so nervous. 349 00:14:07,099 --> 00:14:10,301 I haven't been on a first date since... 350 00:14:10,302 --> 00:14:11,836 not since you. 351 00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:18,442 I'm not sure if you're ready for this, 352 00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:19,746 to be honest. 353 00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:23,077 I think pr... I should probably go first. 354 00:14:23,115 --> 00:14:25,249 Yeah? 355 00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:26,717 Yeah, I think that's probably best. 356 00:14:26,718 --> 00:14:28,319 Really? 357 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,588 No. Not really. 358 00:14:30,589 --> 00:14:31,922 Why do you make me go there? 359 00:14:31,923 --> 00:14:32,857 I hate the Matherfields! 360 00:14:32,858 --> 00:14:34,058 They play all those stupid games and... 361 00:14:34,059 --> 00:14:36,060 Well, one of us has to be there on time. 362 00:14:36,061 --> 00:14:39,797 Carmen said that Lori is making a special announcement. 363 00:14:39,798 --> 00:14:40,865 I'll be, like, an hour late. 364 00:14:40,866 --> 00:14:41,799 Wow, this is... 365 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,134 I think that might be 366 00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:44,335 actually too hot. 367 00:14:44,336 --> 00:14:46,470 I think you might burn corneas. 368 00:14:46,471 --> 00:14:48,673 Ooh, that is... that is good. 369 00:14:54,212 --> 00:14:56,014 Okay. 370 00:14:58,083 --> 00:14:59,817 What... why are we stopping? 371 00:14:59,818 --> 00:15:02,020 Because I want you to ravage me later. 372 00:15:03,555 --> 00:15:05,490 I mean, that's the plan, isn't it? 373 00:15:06,358 --> 00:15:07,558 I guess so. 374 00:15:16,368 --> 00:15:17,769 - Hey. - Hi. 375 00:15:20,105 --> 00:15:21,172 You look really nice. 376 00:15:21,173 --> 00:15:23,174 Thank you. So do you. 377 00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:26,177 Thank. I... Thanks. 378 00:15:30,248 --> 00:15:31,315 I think that... 379 00:15:31,316 --> 00:15:34,385 I think we should be able to get in soon, yeah. 380 00:15:34,386 --> 00:15:35,853 I'm scared shitless. 381 00:15:35,854 --> 00:15:37,054 Are you scared shitless? 382 00:15:37,055 --> 00:15:38,255 Yeah. 383 00:15:38,256 --> 00:15:40,257 I could order, but there's no way in hell I could eat. 384 00:15:40,258 --> 00:15:41,325 Me too. Good. 385 00:15:41,326 --> 00:15:42,526 I could drink. 386 00:15:42,527 --> 00:15:44,596 Me too. Always. 387 00:15:45,997 --> 00:15:48,066 I have an idea. 388 00:16:03,615 --> 00:16:04,682 It's a fucking game, 389 00:16:04,683 --> 00:16:05,883 so who the fuck gives a shit about these games? 390 00:16:05,884 --> 00:16:07,351 I love these games. What are you talking about? 391 00:16:07,352 --> 00:16:09,487 What is with you tonight? You seem very stressed. 392 00:16:09,488 --> 00:16:10,955 It's Emma. 393 00:16:10,956 --> 00:16:12,022 She's doing dinner with a colleague, 394 00:16:12,023 --> 00:16:14,291 and she's supposed to be done by now, that's all. 395 00:16:14,292 --> 00:16:15,893 That's what's stressing you out so much? 396 00:16:15,894 --> 00:16:17,094 You check your phone, like, every two seconds. 397 00:16:17,095 --> 00:16:18,162 Yeah, that's it. 398 00:16:18,163 --> 00:16:20,564 Okay. You want to play? 399 00:16:20,565 --> 00:16:22,700 - Can we play the game now? - I'd love to play, okay. 400 00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:24,601 - Okay, I'll go first. - Okay. Ready? 401 00:16:24,702 --> 00:16:27,104 ♪ Happy Birthday... ♪ 402 00:16:27,105 --> 00:16:28,640 ♪ Mr. President ♪ 403 00:16:30,041 --> 00:16:31,176 Too easy. 404 00:16:32,444 --> 00:16:33,644 I don't... I don't know. 405 00:16:33,645 --> 00:16:35,313 ♪ Happy Birthday... ♪ 406 00:16:37,249 --> 00:16:39,250 Oh, you're like a sexy baby? 407 00:16:39,251 --> 00:16:41,652 ♪ ... Mr. President... ♪ 408 00:16:41,653 --> 00:16:42,987 I don't know. Barack Obama. 409 00:16:42,988 --> 00:16:44,188 Are you joking? 410 00:16:44,189 --> 00:16:45,590 No, I have no idea. 411 00:16:46,458 --> 00:16:48,993 ♪ Mr. President... ♪ 412 00:16:48,994 --> 00:16:51,128 Happy Birthday, Mr. President? What is that? 413 00:16:51,129 --> 00:16:52,997 The dress is coming up. Whoo! 414 00:16:52,998 --> 00:16:54,465 You're riding a pony? 415 00:16:54,466 --> 00:16:56,200 Hah! Oh! 416 00:16:56,201 --> 00:16:57,535 A diaper. You're wearing a diaper? 417 00:16:57,536 --> 00:16:59,204 - No. - I feel like I'm getting close. 418 00:17:00,806 --> 00:17:02,206 - Hot Damn. - Yeah? 419 00:17:02,207 --> 00:17:03,140 Literally, that's what it's called. 420 00:17:03,141 --> 00:17:05,076 Oh, my God. 421 00:17:08,613 --> 00:17:10,214 That just totally exfoliated my mouth. 422 00:17:10,215 --> 00:17:11,883 I loved it. 423 00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:16,620 I should have got two. 424 00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:19,156 Are you insinuating I drink too much? 425 00:17:19,157 --> 00:17:20,491 No, I... 426 00:17:20,492 --> 00:17:21,559 'Cause I totally do. 427 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,027 I'm not exactly working on it, 428 00:17:23,028 --> 00:17:24,628 but I'm thinking about working on it 429 00:17:24,629 --> 00:17:27,632 in the near future, I think, maybe, I don't know. 430 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:49,987 Hot fucking Damn. 431 00:17:49,988 --> 00:17:52,389 I know a place. 432 00:17:52,390 --> 00:17:53,724 A hotel? 433 00:17:53,725 --> 00:17:55,527 Better. 434 00:17:58,530 --> 00:17:59,463 Isn't it delicious? 435 00:17:59,464 --> 00:18:00,664 Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple. 436 00:18:00,665 --> 00:18:02,399 - Are you joking with me right now? - No. 437 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,931 You're the only person in the world who doesn't know this. 438 00:18:03,942 --> 00:18:05,440 Well, can you give me something else to work with? 439 00:18:05,441 --> 00:18:06,003 Give him another clue. 440 00:18:06,004 --> 00:18:07,071 I'm not giving him another clue. 441 00:18:07,072 --> 00:18:09,340 - What are you, refusing clues? - Say it. 442 00:18:09,341 --> 00:18:10,541 I don't know what it is. 443 00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:13,744 You're an idiot. 444 00:18:13,745 --> 00:18:15,479 First, thank you all for coming, 445 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,081 but more importantly, 446 00:18:17,082 --> 00:18:18,549 I'm proud to announce 447 00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:21,352 that my beautiful and brilliant wife, Lori... 448 00:18:21,353 --> 00:18:24,421 has just accepted a seat 449 00:18:24,422 --> 00:18:29,093 on the prestigious Hamilton School Alumni Board! 450 00:18:29,094 --> 00:18:31,362 Thank you. Thank you all. 451 00:18:31,363 --> 00:18:32,696 You're so kind. 452 00:18:32,697 --> 00:18:34,298 Rest assured, 453 00:18:34,299 --> 00:18:37,234 I take my new position very seriously. 454 00:18:37,235 --> 00:18:39,770 - Oh my God. - Okay, enough about me. 455 00:18:39,771 --> 00:18:42,306 I want you to enjoy the rest of the party. 456 00:18:42,307 --> 00:18:44,308 And, oh, we have devised 457 00:18:44,309 --> 00:18:46,577 an entirely new game 458 00:18:46,578 --> 00:18:48,979 that I think you all 459 00:18:48,980 --> 00:18:50,848 are going to be quite entertained by. 460 00:18:50,849 --> 00:18:52,316 More games? 461 00:18:52,317 --> 00:18:53,517 Okay, party! 462 00:18:53,518 --> 00:18:54,985 Party time! Come on! 463 00:18:54,986 --> 00:18:56,921 Thank you! 464 00:19:00,325 --> 00:19:01,659 - So... - There she is. 465 00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:02,726 How much ass-kissing 466 00:19:02,727 --> 00:19:03,661 can you squeeze into three days, 467 00:19:03,662 --> 00:19:06,597 Assistant Dean Trakarsky? 468 00:19:06,598 --> 00:19:08,332 Congratulations, by the way. 469 00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:10,067 Thank you! 470 00:19:10,068 --> 00:19:11,802 More Chardonnay, madame? 471 00:19:11,803 --> 00:19:13,471 Oh, definitely. 472 00:19:16,608 --> 00:19:18,609 What? 473 00:19:18,610 --> 00:19:22,079 This is fucking amazing. 474 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,814 Told you. 475 00:19:23,815 --> 00:19:25,282 You did good. 476 00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:26,617 - You like it? - Yeah. 477 00:19:26,618 --> 00:19:28,553 Good. 478 00:19:30,488 --> 00:19:31,890 Nice, huh? 479 00:19:33,425 --> 00:19:35,292 I was awake for hours last night 480 00:19:35,293 --> 00:19:36,493 thinking about 481 00:19:36,494 --> 00:19:38,495 a married couple in Hawthorne Heights 482 00:19:38,496 --> 00:19:41,900 sleeping in bed together without me. 483 00:19:46,771 --> 00:19:49,425 - Oh, fuck. Did I scare you? - No, no, no, no, no... 484 00:19:49,441 --> 00:19:51,575 Hold on. Just stay there. 485 00:19:51,576 --> 00:19:53,511 - Okay. - Stay there. 486 00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:56,696 So I did a lot of homework. 487 00:19:56,997 --> 00:20:00,600 Yep, watched a lot of highly highly disturbing videos, 488 00:20:00,785 --> 00:20:03,320 featuring on a vast array of vegetables. 489 00:20:03,321 --> 00:20:05,589 It was... it was very upsetting. 490 00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:06,924 I think I saw a gourd, 491 00:20:06,925 --> 00:20:08,392 or it could have been an eggplant, 492 00:20:08,393 --> 00:20:10,127 like a large one, 493 00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:11,462 I don't know. 494 00:20:11,463 --> 00:20:14,398 Anyways, I... I... I didn't learn much. 495 00:20:14,399 --> 00:20:17,135 Please tell me there are no vegetables in there. 496 00:20:23,074 --> 00:20:24,808 Oh, my God, your laugh makes me so nervous. 497 00:20:24,809 --> 00:20:26,611 I could be sick. 498 00:20:28,146 --> 00:20:30,348 But in a good way. 499 00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,818 You're so fucking beautiful. 500 00:20:44,696 --> 00:20:46,430 Lyric? Really? 501 00:20:46,431 --> 00:20:48,165 That's what you came up with? 502 00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:52,169 I've carried mounds of shame 503 00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:55,239 for 16 years now. 504 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,306 "Mounds of Shame" 505 00:20:56,307 --> 00:20:58,442 is absolutely the name of my next band. 506 00:20:58,443 --> 00:21:00,577 You've been in bands? 507 00:21:00,578 --> 00:21:03,581 Did that turn you on? 508 00:21:05,383 --> 00:21:06,651 You okay? 509 00:21:29,274 --> 00:21:31,075 I love your eyes. 510 00:21:32,610 --> 00:21:34,478 They're, like, doe eyes, 511 00:21:34,479 --> 00:21:36,613 you probably heard that a million times. 512 00:21:36,614 --> 00:21:37,948 No, I've never heard that before. 513 00:21:37,949 --> 00:21:40,617 Yeah, I bet every dude says that to you. 514 00:21:42,353 --> 00:21:43,954 Your lips are so soft. 515 00:21:43,955 --> 00:21:46,757 It feels so weird to... You don't have a beard. 516 00:21:46,758 --> 00:21:48,892 Yeah, not yet at least. 517 00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:53,697 The beauty mark on your right cheek 518 00:21:53,698 --> 00:21:58,036 is the first thing that made me just go crazy for you. 519 00:22:00,905 --> 00:22:03,173 I used to try and scratch it off. 520 00:22:03,174 --> 00:22:04,110 That's dumb. 521 00:22:06,311 --> 00:22:08,111 Don't try to scratch it off. 522 00:22:09,012 --> 00:22:11,615 Okay. I won't. 523 00:22:11,716 --> 00:22:16,187 Shh. I think we just broke the no penetration rule. 524 00:23:02,433 --> 00:23:04,635 Nobody this side of Bedrock snores like that. 525 00:23:06,704 --> 00:23:09,173 Let's get this stink bomb out of here. 526 00:23:11,509 --> 00:23:12,976 Yes. 527 00:23:12,977 --> 00:23:14,845 Look at you. 528 00:23:14,846 --> 00:23:16,113 Let the ravaging begin. 529 00:23:16,814 --> 00:23:17,772 Babe... 530 00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:18,773 I swear if I come one more time 531 00:23:19,784 --> 00:23:21,986 I think I'll dry up and blow away. 532 00:23:22,987 --> 00:23:24,588 I'm so tired. 533 00:23:24,589 --> 00:23:26,323 You serious? 534 00:23:26,324 --> 00:23:27,791 Mm-hmm. 535 00:23:27,792 --> 00:23:30,994 What the hell? 536 00:23:30,995 --> 00:23:32,329 How many orgasms are we talking about? 537 00:23:32,330 --> 00:23:33,931 I thought we had a no orgasm rule. 538 00:23:33,932 --> 00:23:35,199 I just thought we were, like... 539 00:23:36,734 --> 00:23:37,801 we were... 540 00:23:37,802 --> 00:23:39,403 this whole thing was so that we would bring it... 541 00:23:39,404 --> 00:23:41,004 We are doing this for us. 542 00:23:41,005 --> 00:23:42,739 Well, doesn't look like I'm getting anything out of it, 543 00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:45,076 at this point. 544 00:23:52,884 --> 00:23:54,685 What were you doing for three hours? 545 00:23:55,687 --> 00:23:58,355 Um, I don't know, we walked and talked, 546 00:23:58,356 --> 00:24:00,958 and we drank. 547 00:24:03,027 --> 00:24:05,096 And we went to the roof. 548 00:24:05,964 --> 00:24:07,365 Which roof? 549 00:24:08,766 --> 00:24:10,568 Are you talking about our roof? 550 00:24:11,703 --> 00:24:13,036 You took her to our roof? 551 00:24:13,037 --> 00:24:14,237 Oh, my God. 552 00:24:14,238 --> 00:24:15,706 I'm sorry. 553 00:24:15,707 --> 00:24:16,907 Oh, my God. 554 00:24:16,908 --> 00:24:18,642 - Fuck. - Are you okay? 555 00:24:18,643 --> 00:24:20,644 No. 556 00:24:20,645 --> 00:24:21,979 Am I okay? 557 00:24:21,980 --> 00:24:24,514 How could you... 558 00:24:24,515 --> 00:24:26,650 There's a fucking million places you could have taken her... 559 00:24:26,651 --> 00:24:28,319 you took her there? 560 00:24:31,589 --> 00:24:33,724 It sounds so romantic. 561 00:24:33,725 --> 00:24:34,791 Babe, it's just new. 562 00:24:34,792 --> 00:24:36,927 It's a little confusing. 563 00:24:36,928 --> 00:24:39,931 I'll say. I am confused. 564 00:24:41,065 --> 00:24:44,335 Very confused about what, like... 565 00:24:46,404 --> 00:24:47,738 What about with Izzy, like, in particularly? 566 00:24:47,739 --> 00:24:49,606 Is that something else? 567 00:24:49,607 --> 00:24:50,674 Izzy? 568 00:24:50,675 --> 00:24:51,608 Yes. 569 00:24:51,609 --> 00:24:54,078 Um... 570 00:24:56,414 --> 00:24:58,548 That... 571 00:24:58,549 --> 00:25:02,953 That is... 572 00:25:02,954 --> 00:25:04,889 That is a lot confusing. 573 00:25:07,492 --> 00:25:09,894 We promised we'd be honest, right? 574 00:25:09,895 --> 00:25:11,490 - Yeah. - Then we have to be honest. 575 00:25:11,496 --> 00:25:13,497 I know, I just... seeing you like this 576 00:25:13,498 --> 00:25:15,166 is freaking me out a bit. 577 00:25:16,034 --> 00:25:18,369 I'm being honest. That's my honesty. 578 00:25:22,974 --> 00:25:24,574 Let's bring on the honesty. 579 00:25:24,575 --> 00:25:27,178 It's really... it's really working for me. 580 00:25:29,514 --> 00:25:31,114 Maybe a little jealousy's good for both of us. 581 00:25:31,115 --> 00:25:33,718 Maybe. 582 00:25:38,723 --> 00:25:40,857 Hey... 583 00:25:40,858 --> 00:25:42,459 you going to go to bed like that? 584 00:25:42,460 --> 00:25:43,527 Yes. 585 00:25:43,528 --> 00:25:45,395 - You are? - Yes. 586 00:25:45,396 --> 00:25:46,463 For real? 587 00:25:46,464 --> 00:25:47,798 I'm going to bed angry, 588 00:25:47,799 --> 00:25:49,800 'cause this is... 589 00:25:49,801 --> 00:25:51,134 I'm going to have a million orgasms on my date, 590 00:25:51,135 --> 00:25:52,069 I can't wait. 591 00:25:52,070 --> 00:25:53,136 - You are? - Yeah. 592 00:25:53,137 --> 00:25:54,471 What are you going to do on your date? 593 00:25:54,472 --> 00:25:56,206 - Come on every rooftop... - Every rooftop? 594 00:25:57,141 --> 00:25:58,875 Stop it. I'm trying to be angry. 595 00:25:58,876 --> 00:26:01,345 - It's going to be raining... - I'm trying to be angry. 596 00:27:06,144 --> 00:27:08,212 Iz, can I... 597 00:27:14,285 --> 00:27:16,153 What are you doing? 598 00:27:16,154 --> 00:27:18,155 Sleeping. 599 00:27:18,156 --> 00:27:19,623 No, you're not. 600 00:27:19,624 --> 00:27:21,826 Yeah, I was. 601 00:27:30,968 --> 00:27:32,770 Well, fuck.