1
00:00:03,282 --> 00:00:05,235
Previously on "You Me Her"...

2
00:00:05,237 --> 00:00:06,751
Then what are you doing here?

3
00:00:06,752 --> 00:00:08,886
- I'm looking for a girl.
- I knew it!

4
00:00:08,888 --> 00:00:10,160
Who was that chick who got dropped off

5
00:00:10,162 --> 00:00:11,402
at your house two nights ago?

6
00:00:11,404 --> 00:00:13,113
She's my niece. Jackie.

7
00:00:13,115 --> 00:00:15,026
We have a serious fucking Lori problem.

8
00:00:15,027 --> 00:00:16,286
Will Jack's niece be joining us?

9
00:00:16,288 --> 00:00:17,888
- Jack's niece?
- What is her name again?

10
00:00:17,890 --> 00:00:19,697
- Oh, uh, Izzy?
- Izzy.

11
00:00:19,698 --> 00:00:22,634
Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie.

12
00:00:22,635 --> 00:00:24,369
Andy, why'd you follow me here

13
00:00:24,370 --> 00:00:26,504
- to... to my uncle's house?
- Right.

14
00:00:26,745 --> 00:00:27,839
Uncle Jack.

15
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:29,841
You are too good for me. You know?

16
00:00:29,842 --> 00:00:31,442
Yeah. You know what? I think you're right.

17
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,854
You're not gonna make me
drink this all by myself,

18
00:00:36,628 --> 00:00:37,628
right?

19
00:00:40,761 --> 00:00:42,572
I've been working crazy hours

20
00:00:42,574 --> 00:00:44,990
on this huge pitch for
a... a fancy new theater

21
00:00:44,991 --> 00:00:46,682
at The Hamilton School, where Jack works?

22
00:00:46,683 --> 00:00:48,149
There's a million people
I could come to for advice.

23
00:00:48,151 --> 00:00:50,180
I come to you. I have a
lot on my plate right now.

24
00:00:50,182 --> 00:00:51,430
What?! Ow.

25
00:00:51,432 --> 00:00:53,731
We agree that this is a
business arrangement, right?

26
00:00:53,732 --> 00:00:55,867
- You never cashed the check?
- No.

27
00:00:57,870 --> 00:00:59,411
I love us.

28
00:01:00,454 --> 00:01:03,668
You know, not just the sex, but, like, us.

29
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:05,948
Me too.

30
00:01:07,079 --> 00:01:08,255
Me three.

31
00:01:31,619 --> 00:01:33,175
What are you thinking?

32
00:01:34,039 --> 00:01:35,684
What are you thinking?

33
00:01:36,175 --> 00:01:38,810
I'm thinking that a college student

34
00:01:38,812 --> 00:01:40,729
slept between us in our bed last night.

35
00:01:41,647 --> 00:01:43,311
Yeah. After we all had sex together.

36
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:45,249
I think that... that's
the headline, honey.

37
00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:46,446
Right.

38
00:01:46,962 --> 00:01:48,052
And she's still here.

39
00:01:48,053 --> 00:01:50,989
She's in the bedroom while
we're gonna head off to work.

40
00:01:50,990 --> 00:01:53,376
I... I feel weird about that.
Is it weird that I feel weird?

41
00:01:54,059 --> 00:01:56,047
Remember that recurring
dream I kept having,

42
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,463
where we were both in that Porsche,

43
00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,805
like 90 miles an hour,

44
00:01:58,807 --> 00:02:00,216
laughing and drinking,

45
00:02:01,091 --> 00:02:02,104
and then we look at each other,

46
00:02:02,106 --> 00:02:03,901
and we realize that
we're both in the backseat

47
00:02:03,903 --> 00:02:05,269
and nobody's at the wheel?

48
00:02:05,270 --> 00:02:06,738
Yeah. You had that dream again?

49
00:02:06,739 --> 00:02:08,206
I need you to tell me that we're not

50
00:02:08,207 --> 00:02:09,407
in the backseat while our life

51
00:02:09,408 --> 00:02:10,875
is just crashing through a guardrail,

52
00:02:10,876 --> 00:02:13,678
down a mountain to a fiery, horrible end.

53
00:02:13,679 --> 00:02:15,680
No. Here, we made a choice.

54
00:02:15,681 --> 00:02:17,415
This was a choice, here.

55
00:02:17,416 --> 00:02:18,750
We... we did it with our eyes open

56
00:02:18,751 --> 00:02:20,485
and our hands on the wheel.

57
00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:23,688
We knew what we were
doing. And w... we can...

58
00:02:23,689 --> 00:02:25,957
And what we do next is... is up to us.

59
00:02:25,958 --> 00:02:27,291
Yeah.

60
00:02:27,292 --> 00:02:28,626
Wait. Did you just shrink me?

61
00:02:30,229 --> 00:02:31,562
I don't know what you're talking about.

62
00:02:31,563 --> 00:02:33,297
But your hour is up.

63
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:37,102
Easy, tiger. We're gonna be late.

64
00:02:37,403 --> 00:02:39,794
Well, your hand down
my pants is sending me

65
00:02:39,799 --> 00:02:40,772
a pretty mixed message
right now, I have to admit.

66
00:02:40,773 --> 00:02:41,973
Oh, well, look at that.

67
00:02:41,974 --> 00:02:43,375
- Yeah.
- My bad.

68
00:02:44,643 --> 00:02:46,311
Thanks.

69
00:02:49,715 --> 00:02:51,849
So, d... did we all profess
our love to each other

70
00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:53,718
last night, or did I just imagine that?

71
00:02:53,719 --> 00:02:55,319
I had time to sift through the forensics

72
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,921
while inspecting the ceiling last night,

73
00:02:56,922 --> 00:02:59,057
and here's what I came up with...

74
00:02:59,058 --> 00:03:00,525
Izzy said, "I love us."

75
00:03:00,526 --> 00:03:02,527
Not you, not me, us.

76
00:03:02,528 --> 00:03:05,329
Like the three of us, together.

77
00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:06,664
Right. So when we said it back,

78
00:03:06,665 --> 00:03:08,266
we didn't really mean "I love you,"

79
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:10,935
we just were celebrating?

80
00:03:10,936 --> 00:03:14,272
Us, the situation, the
three of us together.

81
00:03:14,273 --> 00:03:15,740
Okay.

82
00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:16,808
What does that mean, "the
three of us together"?

83
00:03:16,809 --> 00:03:18,142
Are you referring to like

84
00:03:18,143 --> 00:03:20,144
us actually physically
together in the bed,

85
00:03:20,145 --> 00:03:23,214
or, like, are we a...
are we together, together?

86
00:03:23,215 --> 00:03:25,750
Like the three of us could be dating?

87
00:03:25,751 --> 00:03:28,152
Like the three of us
are seeing each other?

88
00:03:28,153 --> 00:03:30,021
I mean, I don't even know how
that would work, physically.

89
00:03:30,022 --> 00:03:32,156
How could we... ? If we
walk down the sidewalk,

90
00:03:32,157 --> 00:03:35,093
people wouldn't be able to get around us.

91
00:03:35,094 --> 00:03:36,561
Like, society would crumble.

92
00:03:36,562 --> 00:03:39,230
The whole pedestrian system
w... would fall apart.

93
00:03:39,231 --> 00:03:40,965
I mean, would Izzy sit between us

94
00:03:40,966 --> 00:03:42,433
at the movies and hold a pop-corn

95
00:03:42,434 --> 00:03:43,901
What about Christmas and Thanksgiving?

96
00:03:43,902 --> 00:03:45,770
Would she come with us, with our families,

97
00:03:45,771 --> 00:03:47,839
sitting down at dinner?

98
00:03:48,841 --> 00:03:52,176
And we are back to the
fiery, horrible end.

99
00:04:02,988 --> 00:04:05,123
Ugh.

100
00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:09,861
God damn it, you slut.

101
00:04:14,733 --> 00:04:18,069
Oh, hello worst decision ever.

102
00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,539
Hey, listen. I'm sorry, okay?

103
00:04:23,142 --> 00:04:25,810
If it helps, I kind of
hate myself right now, too.

104
00:04:25,811 --> 00:04:27,812
You know, I'm not that guy
and you're not that girl.

105
00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:30,748
- It's just...
- We are what we do, Andrew,

106
00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:33,352
the accumulation of our choices.

107
00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:39,023
Hey, Nina.

108
00:04:39,024 --> 00:04:41,692
Can we just agree to blame Izzy

109
00:04:41,693 --> 00:04:43,961
and move on with our lives
like this never happened?

110
00:04:43,962 --> 00:04:45,429
Definitely.

111
00:04:45,430 --> 00:04:47,565
There they are.

112
00:04:47,566 --> 00:04:49,967
Hi, my two lovers.

113
00:04:49,968 --> 00:04:51,302
Hey.

114
00:04:53,705 --> 00:04:54,772
Sorry.

115
00:04:54,773 --> 00:04:56,240
Lovers.

116
00:04:56,241 --> 00:04:57,975
I'm totally gonna rock that word

117
00:04:57,976 --> 00:04:59,443
and just put the onus on everybody

118
00:04:59,444 --> 00:05:01,712
to figure out if I'm being serious or not.

119
00:05:01,713 --> 00:05:03,648
- Hi.
- Hi.

120
00:05:06,652 --> 00:05:09,720
Well, someone's having quite the morning.

121
00:05:09,721 --> 00:05:11,322
Hmm?

122
00:05:11,323 --> 00:05:13,324
I copped a feel, too, so...

123
00:05:13,325 --> 00:05:14,392
You did?

124
00:05:14,393 --> 00:05:15,726
He's doing very well this morning.

125
00:05:15,727 --> 00:05:17,328
Well, that hardly seems fair.

126
00:05:17,329 --> 00:05:19,330
Two cops?

127
00:05:19,331 --> 00:05:22,067
You look really nice.

128
00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:26,137
- Okay, wow. Um...
- What?

129
00:05:26,138 --> 00:05:28,139
Uh, I, uh...

130
00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:29,473
You're adorable,

131
00:05:29,474 --> 00:05:32,677
especially when you stammer like that.

132
00:05:37,216 --> 00:05:39,750
Okay. Okay. I... this? This area here

133
00:05:39,751 --> 00:05:42,286
- is, uh, closed for business because I got to run.
- Okay.

134
00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:44,288
I have really big prelim
presentation at The Hamilton School.

135
00:05:44,289 --> 00:05:47,091
Wait, wait, wait. I thought...
I thought we could play hooky.

136
00:05:47,092 --> 00:05:50,428
I was lying in bed, formulating
a plan for an awesome day.

137
00:05:50,429 --> 00:05:53,497
Thought we could hit The Pearl.

138
00:05:53,498 --> 00:05:55,900
Throw back a pilsner, maybe seven,

139
00:05:55,901 --> 00:05:58,436
get the sunlight buzz going on.

140
00:05:58,437 --> 00:05:59,904
You know? Or maybe we could...

141
00:05:59,905 --> 00:06:01,105
we could go somewhere else, maybe.

142
00:06:01,106 --> 00:06:03,241
Yeah? Yeah?

143
00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:06,444
We have jobs to go to in the adult world.

144
00:06:06,445 --> 00:06:09,513
It's the big week for me, with
this whole dean thing happening.

145
00:06:11,383 --> 00:06:13,918
It's my Alumni Board is
reviewing me this week.

146
00:06:13,919 --> 00:06:15,253
Oh, yeah?

147
00:06:15,254 --> 00:06:17,788
What, were you guys

148
00:06:17,789 --> 00:06:19,657
like talking behind my back or something?

149
00:06:19,658 --> 00:06:21,525
Well, Isabelle, we're married,

150
00:06:21,526 --> 00:06:23,527
so we're kind of talking
behind the whole world's back,

151
00:06:23,528 --> 00:06:24,996
like every day, all the time, so...

152
00:06:24,997 --> 00:06:26,464
"Isabelle"? What the fuck is that?

153
00:06:26,465 --> 00:06:27,798
Right. We were... we were...

154
00:06:27,799 --> 00:06:29,400
It was mostly good things.

155
00:06:29,401 --> 00:06:31,135
Oh, yeah? Like what?

156
00:06:31,136 --> 00:06:32,603
Hmm?

157
00:06:32,604 --> 00:06:35,406
Think I'll call you
Asshole and Other Asshole.

158
00:06:35,407 --> 00:06:37,008
How's that?

159
00:06:37,009 --> 00:06:38,342
I think maybe you should...

160
00:06:38,343 --> 00:06:40,077
should calm down a little bit. That's...

161
00:06:40,078 --> 00:06:42,480
I'm sure that's very easy for you to say.

162
00:06:42,481 --> 00:06:44,482
You're not the one being
treated like the one-night stand

163
00:06:44,483 --> 00:06:45,950
who lingered too long.

164
00:06:45,951 --> 00:06:48,085
Izzy, I'm sorry.

165
00:06:48,086 --> 00:06:50,354
I do not want to make you feel that way.

166
00:06:50,355 --> 00:06:52,623
I mean, and, seriously, last night was...

167
00:06:52,624 --> 00:06:55,026
It was like one of the
best nights of my life.

168
00:06:55,027 --> 00:06:56,627
Yeah. Me too. This is...

169
00:06:56,628 --> 00:06:58,830
We just have to go to
work. That's all this is.

170
00:07:01,566 --> 00:07:04,635
Uh, guys, could I get a could ride, or...

171
00:07:04,636 --> 00:07:07,171
or do you want me just to call my pimp?

172
00:07:07,172 --> 00:07:09,774
I have a... you can...

173
00:07:14,513 --> 00:07:15,846
I can take you.

174
00:07:15,847 --> 00:07:18,115
What happened here?

175
00:07:22,521 --> 00:07:24,255
Hey, what the hell?!

176
00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:26,657
What, you want to make
some more small talk?

177
00:07:26,658 --> 00:07:28,793
Oh, I'm sorry if ordinary
adult conversation

178
00:07:28,794 --> 00:07:30,928
is too pedantic and bourgeois for you.

179
00:07:30,929 --> 00:07:32,797
Oh, fine.

180
00:07:32,798 --> 00:07:35,466
How goes the architecting?
What is your favorite season?

181
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:38,002
Are you binge-watching
anything interesting lately?

182
00:07:38,003 --> 00:07:40,004
How about those Blazers, huh?

183
00:07:40,005 --> 00:07:43,607
All that playing and shooting
or whatever else they do?

184
00:07:44,943 --> 00:07:46,677
You're right.

185
00:07:46,678 --> 00:07:48,279
This is so much better
than actually saying

186
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,681
what we're actually fucking thinking.

187
00:07:50,682 --> 00:07:52,149
Holy shit!

188
00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:54,418
It's Izzy. Um...

189
00:07:54,419 --> 00:07:56,821
- What?
- It's time to scoot.

190
00:07:56,822 --> 00:07:58,956
- It's time to go home, now.
- Just move!

191
00:07:58,957 --> 00:08:00,958
Don't. I, um...

192
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,560
That... that's nice. Thank you.

193
00:08:02,561 --> 00:08:04,161
Thank you for the effort, kiddo.

194
00:08:04,162 --> 00:08:05,629
Don't mention it, Other Asshole.

195
00:08:05,630 --> 00:08:09,500
Izzy seems a bit with
miffed, uh, Aunt Emma.

196
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:12,036
You really need to go, like now.

197
00:08:12,037 --> 00:08:13,371
No, no, no, no.

198
00:08:13,372 --> 00:08:16,040
Ah!

199
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:17,508
For the record... you made an effort.

200
00:08:17,509 --> 00:08:19,711
You tried, but I'm gonna watch this.

201
00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:23,381
Ugh.

202
00:08:23,382 --> 00:08:25,516
What... what's this? Are...
are you having a stroke?

203
00:08:25,517 --> 00:08:28,719
Just... I don't know. Uh, maybe?

204
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,721
Look, it's a lot, Izzy.

205
00:08:30,722 --> 00:08:32,723
I mean, it is so much.

206
00:08:32,724 --> 00:08:34,458
I... I... I'm just...

207
00:08:34,459 --> 00:08:36,861
I'm trying to sort
through it and make sense.

208
00:08:36,862 --> 00:08:39,197
I'm fucking terrified.

209
00:08:40,599 --> 00:08:43,000
Are you too scared?

210
00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:44,669
I don't know.

211
00:08:46,738 --> 00:08:48,273
Maybe.

212
00:08:52,077 --> 00:08:53,411
Don't forget, though.

213
00:08:53,412 --> 00:08:54,879
Forget what?

214
00:09:10,228 --> 00:09:11,896
That.

215
00:09:22,641 --> 00:09:24,042
Fuck.

216
00:09:45,997 --> 00:09:48,199
Fuck!

217
00:09:54,673 --> 00:09:56,540
You know what, Andy?

218
00:09:56,541 --> 00:09:58,542
I'm really not in the fucking
mood to do this or whatever.

219
00:09:58,543 --> 00:10:00,945
My, my, my.

220
00:10:00,946 --> 00:10:03,614
You kiss your aunt with that mouth?

221
00:10:03,615 --> 00:10:05,016
What?

222
00:10:07,085 --> 00:10:09,220
One more thing... um...

223
00:10:09,221 --> 00:10:11,622
eat shit.

224
00:10:11,623 --> 00:10:13,558
And lose my fucking number.

225
00:10:16,027 --> 00:10:17,829
That's actually two things.

226
00:10:19,898 --> 00:10:21,899
You got me.

227
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:23,835
You really got me.

228
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:27,038
Fuck.

229
00:10:36,982 --> 00:10:38,716
We got a problem, too?

230
00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:41,118
Uh, no.

231
00:10:41,119 --> 00:10:43,521
Y... you can nuke that.

232
00:10:43,522 --> 00:10:44,855
He left very suddenly

233
00:10:44,856 --> 00:10:47,325
after watching you
make out with your aunt.

234
00:10:59,004 --> 00:11:02,406
- Do I really have to ask?
- Ask what?

235
00:11:02,741 --> 00:11:04,742
What Andy was doing here.

236
00:11:04,743 --> 00:11:06,343
W... wh... he was about
to have a cup of coffee.

237
00:11:06,344 --> 00:11:07,411
Did I not just say that?

238
00:11:07,412 --> 00:11:08,746
Andy came all the way over here

239
00:11:08,747 --> 00:11:11,015
to have coffee at 7:30 a.m.?

240
00:11:11,016 --> 00:11:13,951
Yeah. It's a pretty
common time for coffee.

241
00:11:13,952 --> 00:11:15,953
You work nights and your
first class is at noon.

242
00:11:15,954 --> 00:11:17,821
You don't even know what 7:30 looks like.

243
00:11:17,822 --> 00:11:20,090
Has it occurred to you that
maybe Andy knocking on the door

244
00:11:20,091 --> 00:11:21,559
is the reason that I woke up?

245
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,228
Or maybe I had to study.

246
00:11:24,229 --> 00:11:25,419
So which is it?

247
00:11:25,421 --> 00:11:26,627
Oh, pick one.

248
00:11:26,629 --> 00:11:29,428
- Stop it.
- Stop what, dearest?

249
00:11:29,568 --> 00:11:30,919
That.

250
00:11:30,921 --> 00:11:33,492
Oh, you mean, um, the
passive-aggressive calm?

251
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,545
See, I'm just trying not to kill you

252
00:11:35,547 --> 00:11:37,708
for smearing your mental
breakdown all over me.

253
00:11:37,709 --> 00:11:39,443
If I make it all the way over there

254
00:11:39,444 --> 00:11:40,911
and those stupid-ass glasses

255
00:11:40,912 --> 00:11:42,513
are still on that stupid-ass face,

256
00:11:42,514 --> 00:11:44,648
I'm gonna break them into tiny pieces

257
00:11:44,649 --> 00:11:47,318
and shove each and every
one up your self-righteous...

258
00:11:47,319 --> 00:11:50,654
If you so much as touch

259
00:11:50,655 --> 00:11:52,389
my very excellent glasses,

260
00:11:52,390 --> 00:11:54,124
I'm gonna beat you until my arms go numb,

261
00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:55,859
at which point, the kicking will commence.

262
00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:57,061
Is that right?

263
00:11:57,062 --> 00:11:58,529
'Cause you look pretty hungover.

264
00:11:58,530 --> 00:11:59,997
I'm sure I could take you.

265
00:11:59,998 --> 00:12:01,865
Okay. All right.

266
00:12:01,866 --> 00:12:04,134
Try it. I dare you.

267
00:12:15,347 --> 00:12:16,947
- Don't. Don't.
- I'm not.

268
00:12:16,948 --> 00:12:19,617
- Don't cry.
- I'm trying not to.

269
00:12:19,618 --> 00:12:21,885
That is not fair, okay?

270
00:12:21,886 --> 00:12:23,288
Is it working?

271
00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:29,427
Get over here.

272
00:12:31,896 --> 00:12:35,099
Come here.

273
00:12:39,771 --> 00:12:42,640
Um, so is this just about Andy?

274
00:12:44,843 --> 00:12:47,378
No. It's about me.

275
00:12:47,379 --> 00:12:50,981
I just think Andy was collateral damage.

276
00:12:50,982 --> 00:12:54,923
That's a... that's a pithy
line. You care to elaborate?

277
00:12:59,658 --> 00:13:01,659
Oh, man.

278
00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:05,396
So... last night,

279
00:13:05,397 --> 00:13:08,399
I had the first threesome of my life.

280
00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,069
It was pretty amazing.

281
00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:13,537
Actually, I need a better word for that

282
00:13:13,538 --> 00:13:15,939
'cause I use that for,
like, sour Jelly Bellys

283
00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:18,876
and boots and pretty much everything else.

284
00:13:18,877 --> 00:13:21,679
This was like...

285
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,147
like transformative.

286
00:13:23,148 --> 00:13:25,416
I'm... I'm pretty sure
my hair had an orgasm.

287
00:13:25,417 --> 00:13:27,418
Okay.

288
00:13:27,419 --> 00:13:30,220
So, you got it on with
your aunt and uncle.

289
00:13:30,221 --> 00:13:31,155
Whoo-hoo.

290
00:13:31,156 --> 00:13:33,290
Please stop calling them that.

291
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:35,693
Okay. So you and this...
this married couple

292
00:13:35,694 --> 00:13:37,027
that you're dating.

293
00:13:37,028 --> 00:13:38,362
That's... that's the thing.

294
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:40,497
That's the problem.
Like, we're not dating.

295
00:13:40,498 --> 00:13:42,900
We're not becoming
anything, like a throuple,

296
00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:44,368
or whatever the fuck you call it.

297
00:13:44,369 --> 00:13:45,569
I don't know. We're just like...

298
00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:49,173
Yeah. You're a business arrangement.

299
00:13:49,174 --> 00:13:51,975
Not anymore.

300
00:13:51,976 --> 00:13:54,378
What?

301
00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:57,047
I kind of ripped up the check.

302
00:13:59,184 --> 00:14:00,651
You... I...

303
00:14:00,652 --> 00:14:04,254
Okay. I must have, like,
premium vodka in my ears

304
00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:05,723
because I swear that you just said

305
00:14:05,724 --> 00:14:06,924
that you ripped up the check.

306
00:14:06,925 --> 00:14:08,258
That's crazy.

307
00:14:08,259 --> 00:14:10,794
Yeah, 'cause I'm not a prostitute, so...

308
00:14:10,795 --> 00:14:12,129
Oh.

309
00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:14,531
Okay. So, then, what are you?

310
00:14:14,532 --> 00:14:16,800
Well, uh, I guess, at this point,

311
00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:18,669
I'm just...

312
00:14:18,670 --> 00:14:22,005
their booty call?

313
00:14:22,006 --> 00:14:23,207
I don't know.

314
00:14:23,208 --> 00:14:26,944
Hey, those assholes, they led you on.

315
00:14:26,945 --> 00:14:29,213
They... they made you think

316
00:14:29,214 --> 00:14:32,816
that it could become
something that it's not,

317
00:14:32,817 --> 00:14:34,952
which makes you a
fucking idiot, no offense.

318
00:14:34,953 --> 00:14:38,021
How is that not offensive?

319
00:14:38,022 --> 00:14:40,157
You're their Andy, okay?

320
00:14:40,158 --> 00:14:43,627
Their plaything, someone
that you keep "on simmer."

321
00:14:43,628 --> 00:14:45,095
So what? You're suggesting what,

322
00:14:45,096 --> 00:14:46,830
like karmic justice here, or something?

323
00:14:46,831 --> 00:14:50,300
Yeah. I mean, if the
asshat fits, then wear it.

324
00:14:50,301 --> 00:14:53,103
I get you're trying to do
like the tough-love thing here,

325
00:14:53,104 --> 00:14:55,372
but, like, you really suck at this.

326
00:14:55,373 --> 00:14:58,442
Or am I amazing, nay,
transformative, right?

327
00:14:58,443 --> 00:14:59,510
- You're not.
- Yes, I am.

328
00:14:59,511 --> 00:15:00,844
You are absolutely not.

329
00:15:00,845 --> 00:15:02,312
I am good at this.

330
00:15:02,313 --> 00:15:05,382
I am the cold, hard truth, Izzy.

331
00:15:05,383 --> 00:15:07,384
Maybe the cold and the hard.

332
00:15:07,385 --> 00:15:09,119
Aw.

333
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,922
I'm gonna miss this when
you're institutionalized,

334
00:15:11,923 --> 00:15:14,057
when they lock you up.

335
00:15:14,058 --> 00:15:17,261
The banter. We're so good at it.

336
00:15:17,262 --> 00:15:18,796
I love you.

337
00:15:21,266 --> 00:15:22,599
I love you, too.

338
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:27,271
And I...

339
00:15:27,272 --> 00:15:30,808
fucked Andy, um... and I got to go.

340
00:15:32,877 --> 00:15:35,480
Bye.

341
00:15:38,483 --> 00:15:40,350
It's gonna take me a second

342
00:15:40,351 --> 00:15:43,153
to digest all this information.

343
00:15:43,154 --> 00:15:44,354
Looks like it's gonna take you a month

344
00:15:44,355 --> 00:15:46,424
to digest that crêpe-wrapped cow.

345
00:15:48,493 --> 00:15:49,827
That's so gross, man.

346
00:15:49,828 --> 00:15:51,829
- What's in yours?
- Healthy stuff.

347
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,831
Hmm? With your special sauce of estrogen

348
00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:55,699
and your big brother's disappointment?

349
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,034
Can you, like, close your mouth?

350
00:15:57,035 --> 00:15:58,368
There's people here that don't...

351
00:15:58,369 --> 00:16:00,771
Enjoy your life, dude, okay?

352
00:16:00,772 --> 00:16:02,773
- Swallow it whole.
- I am.

353
00:16:02,774 --> 00:16:05,042
And stop surviving.

354
00:16:05,043 --> 00:16:07,177
Start living.

355
00:16:07,178 --> 00:16:09,179
I am living.

356
00:16:09,180 --> 00:16:10,647
You're saying I shouldn't be afraid

357
00:16:10,648 --> 00:16:12,916
of going public with Izzy?

358
00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:15,452
Should just kind of
like show her as we are

359
00:16:15,453 --> 00:16:17,721
and... and face the consequences?

360
00:16:17,722 --> 00:16:19,056
- Jesus!
- Ow.

361
00:16:20,792 --> 00:16:22,793
Listen, you dumb-ass.

362
00:16:22,794 --> 00:16:24,394
You and Emma are not gonna openly

363
00:16:24,395 --> 00:16:25,863
add a third person to your marriage

364
00:16:25,864 --> 00:16:27,464
and flaunt that shit all over Portland!

365
00:16:27,465 --> 00:16:28,799
Well, keep your fucking voice down.

366
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,934
Let alone anywhere near my family.

367
00:16:30,935 --> 00:16:32,536
Jesus, you're so riled up over this.

368
00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:34,004
- God.
- It's my life.

369
00:16:34,005 --> 00:16:35,739
Look. You're gonna lose your job, okay?

370
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:37,341
The three of you are
gonna be a freak show.

371
00:16:37,342 --> 00:16:39,343
You're gonna be on
"Good Morning, America."

372
00:16:39,344 --> 00:16:42,145
People are gonna throw fake blood on you

373
00:16:42,146 --> 00:16:43,614
- in the streets!
- Why would...

374
00:16:43,615 --> 00:16:45,082
First of all, keep your
fucking voice down, okay?

375
00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:46,683
Don't tell me fucking what to do.

376
00:16:46,684 --> 00:16:48,685
Secondly, why would they be
throwing fake blood on us?

377
00:16:48,686 --> 00:16:50,020
What are we, like we
have furs on or something?

378
00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:51,622
- Whatever.
- Think about what you're saying.

379
00:16:51,623 --> 00:16:53,490
- Whatever.
- Your analogies make no sense.

380
00:16:53,491 --> 00:16:54,825
Listen, okay?

381
00:16:54,826 --> 00:16:57,094
You're gonna endure public ridicule.

382
00:16:57,095 --> 00:16:58,829
You're gonna be cast out.

383
00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:00,964
You're going to be a weirdo.

384
00:17:00,965 --> 00:17:03,901
W... we are living in
Portland, asshole, okay?

385
00:17:03,902 --> 00:17:05,502
Not Afghanistan.

386
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:08,972
Dude, we're even, by the
way. Okay? 1-1. Truce.

387
00:17:11,776 --> 00:17:13,911
This isn't fun sober!

388
00:17:13,912 --> 00:17:15,112
It's not supposed to be fun, Nina!

389
00:17:15,113 --> 00:17:16,179
I'm kicking your ass!

390
00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:17,247
Ow!

391
00:17:17,248 --> 00:17:18,315
Ow. Ow.

392
00:17:18,316 --> 00:17:20,450
Are you? Are you really?

393
00:17:20,451 --> 00:17:21,518
No. Ow. No, no, no.

394
00:17:21,519 --> 00:17:23,253
Not the hands. Not the hands.

395
00:17:23,254 --> 00:17:25,122
Don't you dare. You do that,

396
00:17:25,123 --> 00:17:26,456
you're gonna have to kill me first.

397
00:17:26,457 --> 00:17:27,658
Ah!

398
00:17:27,659 --> 00:17:29,927
Ah! Ow, my boob!

399
00:17:29,928 --> 00:17:32,329
- Yeah.
- Ow.

400
00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:33,931
Ow! I can't breathe.

401
00:17:33,932 --> 00:17:35,933
Roommates who break girl code

402
00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:37,801
do not get oxygen!

403
00:17:37,802 --> 00:17:39,803
Ow. Ow.

404
00:17:39,804 --> 00:17:41,004
Ow.

405
00:17:41,005 --> 00:17:42,739
- Give it to me.
- No, no, no, no.

406
00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:43,807
Ow, ow, ow. Not my hand.

407
00:17:43,808 --> 00:17:45,409
- Oh. Oh, my God!
- Drop it.

408
00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:47,010
Stop hitting yourself.
Oh, my God! You're crazy!

409
00:17:47,011 --> 00:17:48,879
Not my nipple! You know
that they're sensitive!

410
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,480
Aaaah! Tater Tots!

411
00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:52,215
- No safe words.
- Tater Tots!

412
00:17:52,216 --> 00:17:54,351
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't punch you

413
00:17:54,352 --> 00:17:56,887
- in the vag right now.
- Timeout, okay?

414
00:17:56,888 --> 00:17:59,423
I smoked way too much weed for this.

415
00:17:59,424 --> 00:18:02,026
Timeout. Timeout.

416
00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:07,297
Oh, my boob.

417
00:18:15,173 --> 00:18:18,241
He brought the really good vodka, Iz.

418
00:18:18,242 --> 00:18:19,977
And his dick?

419
00:18:19,978 --> 00:18:21,578
Point being, he was on a mission, okay?

420
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,046
Yeah, duh.

421
00:18:23,047 --> 00:18:25,182
You couldn't intuit
that, future psychologist?

422
00:18:25,183 --> 00:18:27,184
Yeah, you'd think, but
it only occurred to me

423
00:18:27,185 --> 00:18:29,190
soon after my first orgasm.

424
00:18:29,873 --> 00:18:30,904
Your first?

425
00:18:31,055 --> 00:18:32,990
Kid's got game.

426
00:18:36,527 --> 00:18:38,261
Of course he does.

427
00:18:38,262 --> 00:18:41,598
Never stuck long enough to find out.

428
00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,935
Blew it with a good guy,
who's also nondouchey,

429
00:18:44,936 --> 00:18:48,138
handsome, and, apparently,
screws like a porn star.

430
00:18:48,139 --> 00:18:50,540
This is good. This is... this is good.

431
00:18:50,541 --> 00:18:52,076
Everything's working out.

432
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,080
It was a mistake, okay?

433
00:18:57,081 --> 00:18:58,415
We both agreed,

434
00:18:58,416 --> 00:19:01,084
and he's still yours for the having...

435
00:19:01,085 --> 00:19:03,620
if you want him.

436
00:19:03,621 --> 00:19:07,491
He's... he's pissed,
but he'll get over it.

437
00:19:07,492 --> 00:19:09,937
Did you hear me?

438
00:19:09,938 --> 00:19:11,938
Loud and clear.

439
00:19:12,430 --> 00:19:14,698
No one is gonna let their
daughter be counseled

440
00:19:14,699 --> 00:19:17,367
by an infamous sexual deviant.

441
00:19:17,368 --> 00:19:18,969
Come on.

442
00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:22,039
Why couldn't you have
just kept it in a box, hmm?

443
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,240
We tried.

444
00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:25,242
You know, the occasional kinky fun

445
00:19:25,243 --> 00:19:28,045
behind closed doors.

446
00:19:28,046 --> 00:19:29,646
Listen, man,

447
00:19:29,647 --> 00:19:34,051
we love having you guys
over, right, you know that?

448
00:19:34,052 --> 00:19:35,786
But you know that Marie's

449
00:19:35,787 --> 00:19:38,722
never gonna be okay with this.

450
00:19:38,723 --> 00:19:42,192
Nobody is. Hmm?

451
00:19:42,193 --> 00:19:43,660
Just look in their eyes.

452
00:19:43,661 --> 00:19:45,262
You know what?

453
00:19:45,263 --> 00:19:47,130
We should've insisted she keep the money.

454
00:19:47,131 --> 00:19:48,999
That put a label on things.

455
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,069
Now, the whole arrangement
is just so ambiguous.

456
00:19:52,070 --> 00:19:53,403
You're damn right it is.

457
00:19:53,404 --> 00:19:55,005
It's time to take that genie

458
00:19:55,006 --> 00:19:56,873
and jam it right back in the bottle, okay?

459
00:19:56,874 --> 00:19:59,810
She doesn't accept the money, it's over.

460
00:19:59,811 --> 00:20:02,212
Come on, Jack.

461
00:20:02,213 --> 00:20:03,680
Please tell me that
you're not still pining

462
00:20:03,681 --> 00:20:05,282
for that married couple.

463
00:20:05,283 --> 00:20:08,152
I'm not still pining
for that married couple.

464
00:20:09,687 --> 00:20:12,222
You said please.

465
00:20:12,223 --> 00:20:14,091
Okay, I can't believe I'm
actually indulging this,

466
00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:16,893
but, um, what happened this morning,

467
00:20:16,894 --> 00:20:20,164
after your "transformative"
threesome last night?

468
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,435
I don't know.

469
00:20:27,572 --> 00:20:31,041
I was just thinking about how

470
00:20:31,042 --> 00:20:35,045
we only have sex, right?

471
00:20:35,046 --> 00:20:37,447
And that... I don't know...
no matter how crazy it sounds,

472
00:20:37,448 --> 00:20:40,650
I just...

473
00:20:40,651 --> 00:20:42,252
I think we're bigger than that.

474
00:20:42,253 --> 00:20:44,121
For the record, that's like way up there

475
00:20:44,122 --> 00:20:47,057
on the crazy scale, like
you-scare-me crazy, but...

476
00:20:47,058 --> 00:20:48,525
It's not crazy.

477
00:20:48,526 --> 00:20:50,127
I asked them to play hooky

478
00:20:50,128 --> 00:20:51,862
so we could day-drink
and hang out at The Pearl.

479
00:20:51,863 --> 00:20:54,531
It's a fucking good day.

480
00:20:55,094 --> 00:20:57,600
All right. Just... just forget

481
00:20:57,602 --> 00:20:59,736
that they are a married
couple for a second

482
00:20:59,737 --> 00:21:02,127
- and think of them as the guy.
- Okay.

483
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,915
Okay, so you had sex with the guy

484
00:21:04,917 --> 00:21:07,077
that you met like three days ago,

485
00:21:07,078 --> 00:21:09,746
but instead of playing
it cool and skedaddling,

486
00:21:09,747 --> 00:21:11,348
you hang around his apartment

487
00:21:11,349 --> 00:21:12,682
and ask him to spend the day with you?

488
00:21:12,683 --> 00:21:14,684
- Is... does that sound right?
- Ohhh.

489
00:21:14,685 --> 00:21:16,419
You asked a married couple

490
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:19,356
to go on a very public
daylight date with you.

491
00:21:19,357 --> 00:21:21,358
I just...

492
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,961
I don't see how that
could make anybody anxious.

493
00:21:26,564 --> 00:21:27,764
Yeah.

494
00:21:27,765 --> 00:21:29,232
Ohh.

495
00:21:29,233 --> 00:21:32,035
I scared the shit out of them, didn't I?

496
00:21:32,036 --> 00:21:33,904
Yeah. You did.

497
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,509
The knee-jerk inclination is to
make any new structure blend in

498
00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:41,378
with the overall Hamilton
Prep School aesthetic,

499
00:21:41,379 --> 00:21:43,513
but this is a different beast.

500
00:21:43,514 --> 00:21:46,183
Here are a few examples
of recently completed

501
00:21:46,184 --> 00:21:48,451
high-school theaters across the country.

502
00:21:48,452 --> 00:21:50,453
They're bold, splashy,

503
00:21:50,454 --> 00:21:53,256
standing out by design
apologizing to no one.

504
00:21:53,257 --> 00:21:56,059
Theater and choir students
are proudly different.

505
00:21:56,060 --> 00:21:58,461
They're not like everybody
else and they don't want to be.

506
00:21:58,462 --> 00:21:59,796
The building should reflect that.

507
00:21:59,797 --> 00:22:01,398
Oh, and, Dean Weinstock,

508
00:22:01,399 --> 00:22:03,266
did I mention the
creative-freedom discount?

509
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:05,001
As our senior partner likes to say,

510
00:22:05,002 --> 00:22:07,537
"Make coin or make a splash."

511
00:22:07,538 --> 00:22:09,406
Ideally, both?

512
00:22:09,407 --> 00:22:11,808
Well, that gets my name on
the door. Everybody wins.

513
00:22:11,809 --> 00:22:15,145
Our competitors tell you
otherwise, they're full of shit.

514
00:22:15,146 --> 00:22:16,880
Oh, did... did I just say "shit"?

515
00:22:16,881 --> 00:22:20,083
I meant to say malarkey or
something equally folksy.

516
00:22:21,819 --> 00:22:23,553
Very well done, Mrs. Trakarsky.

517
00:22:23,554 --> 00:22:24,754
Thank you.

518
00:22:30,361 --> 00:22:33,430
- We're kind of on fire.
- I know, right?

519
00:22:33,431 --> 00:22:36,099
Hawthorne's latest and
greatest power couple.

520
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:38,368
I mean, I'm gonna be dean,
you're gonna be partner,

521
00:22:38,369 --> 00:22:40,904
and maybe we can try to have a baby.

522
00:22:40,905 --> 00:22:42,505
Well, everything good
or bad happens in threes.

523
00:22:42,506 --> 00:22:44,374
Right?

524
00:22:48,112 --> 00:22:50,113
Got some advice from Gabe today.

525
00:22:50,114 --> 00:22:51,715
Let me guess... we
should save our marriage

526
00:22:51,716 --> 00:22:53,583
by having a foursome.

527
00:22:53,584 --> 00:22:55,986
He basically said that, you know,

528
00:22:55,987 --> 00:22:57,587
we totally screwed up by taking the money

529
00:22:57,588 --> 00:22:59,189
out of the relationship with Izzy.

530
00:22:59,190 --> 00:23:01,858
The money's what kept it a
finite business arrangement.

531
00:23:01,859 --> 00:23:04,394
Good, old-fashioned,
American sex for hire,

532
00:23:04,395 --> 00:23:07,998
not... whatever we've let this become.

533
00:23:07,999 --> 00:23:10,400
He also said that if it ever
became anything more than that,

534
00:23:10,401 --> 00:23:12,802
that he and Marie would
totally cut us off.

535
00:23:12,803 --> 00:23:14,271
So did Carmen.

536
00:23:14,272 --> 00:23:16,273
So did Dave.

537
00:23:21,078 --> 00:23:23,079
Crazy thing is, it worked.

538
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,615
The plan worked. I mean,
I don't know about you.

539
00:23:25,616 --> 00:23:27,751
It feels to me like we're
having the best sex of our lives.

540
00:23:27,752 --> 00:23:30,153
Yeah.

541
00:23:30,154 --> 00:23:33,356
- Right?
- Yeah.

542
00:23:33,357 --> 00:23:35,759
Jack, where's it possibly
gonna go from here?

543
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,762
I mean, h... how does she
realistically fit into our...

544
00:23:38,901 --> 00:23:41,017
our work, our jobs, our lives?

545
00:23:42,033 --> 00:23:45,502
But we knew that going in, you know?

546
00:23:45,503 --> 00:23:46,970
She kind of erased the boundaries

547
00:23:46,971 --> 00:23:49,039
when she tore up that check.

548
00:23:50,841 --> 00:23:53,243
It's like she thinks we're dating,

549
00:23:53,244 --> 00:23:55,111
like this could be something permanent.

550
00:23:55,112 --> 00:23:56,579
I know.

551
00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:57,914
All right. So what's our move?

552
00:23:57,915 --> 00:23:59,916
We just invite her over

553
00:23:59,917 --> 00:24:03,386
and tell her she's got to take the money.

554
00:24:03,387 --> 00:24:05,522
Yeah. Or... or it's over.

555
00:24:05,523 --> 00:24:08,591
- Or it's over, right?
- Yeah.

556
00:24:08,592 --> 00:24:11,261
So why aren't we just
walking away from this?

557
00:24:14,332 --> 00:24:16,199
- Mom?
- What was that?

558
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,868
Did you hear that?

559
00:24:18,869 --> 00:24:21,271
That sounded a lot like...

560
00:24:21,272 --> 00:24:22,739
I'm sorry.

561
00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:24,874
I think I must've butt-dialed you.

562
00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:29,546
No, no, it's all good.

563
00:24:29,547 --> 00:24:31,815
Yeah. See you when I get home.

564
00:24:31,816 --> 00:24:33,416
Bye.

565
00:24:33,417 --> 00:24:35,418
Hey.

566
00:24:35,419 --> 00:24:37,287
Sweetheart, I... I don't know
what you think you heard...

567
00:24:37,288 --> 00:24:39,422
You mean the part about
Izzy not being your niece,

568
00:24:39,423 --> 00:24:40,757
or the part about you guys paying her

569
00:24:40,758 --> 00:24:42,759
to have pervy, three-way sex with you?

570
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,161
Wha... what? No, Ava. No.

571
00:24:45,162 --> 00:24:49,432
Silly, wonderful Ava.

572
00:24:49,433 --> 00:24:50,900
We... No.

573
00:24:50,901 --> 00:24:52,369
Um, we were walking down
and then we were talking

574
00:24:52,370 --> 00:24:55,118
about something that was
totally not that at all.

575
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,186
No, no, no.

576
00:24:56,190 --> 00:24:57,841
Don't... don't waste my time, Jack,

577
00:24:57,842 --> 00:24:59,442
because I've got class in five.

578
00:24:59,443 --> 00:25:01,177
We got some negotiating to do, don't we?

579
00:25:01,178 --> 00:25:03,446
- It's Mr. Trakarsky.
- I'm pretty sure

580
00:25:03,447 --> 00:25:05,982
it's whatever I want it to be now.

581
00:25:05,983 --> 00:25:07,717
Jack.

582
00:25:07,718 --> 00:25:09,586
Oh, God.

583
00:25:10,654 --> 00:25:12,255
She's blackmailing us, Jack.

584
00:25:12,256 --> 00:25:13,456
That's why she didn't tell Lori.

585
00:25:13,457 --> 00:25:14,924
- Oh, God.
- Right?

586
00:25:14,925 --> 00:25:16,526
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.

587
00:25:16,527 --> 00:25:18,395
Oh, my God.

588
00:25:18,396 --> 00:25:21,197
Oh. Oh, don't be sad, Jack.

589
00:25:21,198 --> 00:25:23,867
You get to be dean

590
00:25:23,868 --> 00:25:27,070
and I get to be class president.

591
00:25:27,071 --> 00:25:30,940
And whatever else pops into
my silly, wonderful head.

592
00:25:30,941 --> 00:25:33,076
- Whoo!
- Oh, no.

593
00:25:33,077 --> 00:25:35,612
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

594
00:25:35,613 --> 00:25:36,946
No, no, no.

595
00:26:14,519 --> 00:26:19,519
subtitle by peritta - corrections by chamallow