- How often are you having sex? - Uh, excuse me?
We've been off our game a little bit lately.
Um, 0.5 times a week.
Last season on "You Me Her"...
We lied with disturbing specificity.
Well, you got to lie. Like, I'm gonna tell
the whole neighborhood we haven't had sex in two months?
Well, you just did.
You need to do it someone you don't know,
someone who doesn't laugh when you get your sexy on.
I'm talking about an escort.
Hi.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I came clean. Don't I get points for coming clean?
You get points for admitting to scarfing down
the second half of my panini, not for
confessing to spending happy hour
in a hotel room with a hooker.
I met Izzy today.
- Surprise. - What?
And I probably should've told you this a long, long time ago.
Izzy.
She wasn't my first girl.
Your stupid moron plan actually worked.
Emma and I are having crazy sex.
What if it's all Izzy?
We... we agree that this is a business arrangement, right?
Well, you know, I had my date with Emma last night.
It was pretty awesome.
Like a fucking lesbian romance novel. Blegh!
Whatever the fuck that is, stop it immediately.
Mom!
What are you doing?
- So, hi. - So who was that chick
who got dropped off at your house two nights ago?
I told her she was, uh, my niece.
- Babe, just take a breath. - I need this.
I want to be dean of this place.
Lori's big on spite.
Lori, who is now, you know, on the alumni board.
Do you know that she has a boyfriend?
What are you doing here?
- I'm looking for a girl. - I knew it.
Andy, why'd you follow me here, to my uncle's house?
You know, I'm getting the overwhelming sense that, uh,
Jack isn't really Izzy's uncle, you know.
What?
I fucked Andy.
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't punch you in the vag right now.
You find Jacqueline Isabelle's last name
and any social networking site that proves
her and Jack's big sister could pick each other out of a line-up,
let alone share DNA.
I thought this was supposed to be easy.
I'm not exactly a Photoshop wizard.
It's Ava.
- It worked. - I love us.
Maybe this is doable, the road less traveled,
- the relationship more populated. - Pfff.
- Why does it have to be scary? - I'm actually confused.
Did you say this was permanent?
I know that you guys feel this
- just as much as I do. - We have careers.
- We have neighbors for God's sake. - So you're afraid?
Of course we're fucking afraid.
You don't deserve me.
I declined the position.
- Okay. - And then I resigned.
She's leaving because she fell in love with you... both of you.
Go to the airport.
Hey, assholes.
We literally raced to the airport, which is, like,
the... the rom-comiest of all rom-com tropes.
- And... - Just to get here.
- But then what? - We go home.
What?
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Ugh. Did I hunt, capture, and eat
a small cat by any chance?
Shh.
Need painkillers.
Truth.
- Are you gonna get them? - God, no.
Ohh.
Oh, fuck.
Just fuck in general, or... ?
I quit my job.
Yeah. Yep.
Can't remember the actual reason. Something about
doing what I want to do,
but I think that's all I ever wanted to do.
So you do it at another school, one where they have
bigger problems than choosing the color
for their sweet-16 Beemers.
- Solid idea. - Let's call it a day.
It's all downhill from here.
Izzy. What happened to Izzy?
- Oh, my God, we lost her? - She could be anywhere by now.
Or there.
What's that on her ass?
"Edgy"?
- Oh, God. - I have one, too?
Just go to sleep.
Just stop talking.
It's not "edgy."
It's "E-J-I."
Emma, Jack, Izzy.
How the fuck did this happen?
Oh, fuck.
_
The adventure begins.
Openly polyamorous adventure.
Yep.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Oh, wait, did you... - Uh, no.
What's happening here, it's called "couples privilege."
You both assume the unicorn would ride in the back.
That's me.
The unicorn... the third.
So, should we rotate?
Or where do you want to sit?
Mm, behind the wheel.
Cool.
- You okay with that, Doctor? - I guess so, yeah.
Ah, thank you.
All right, buckle up, dickhead.
- Oh, that sounds about right. - What's that, babe?
Nothing. Yes, let's do this.
- Let's do this. - This is a big-ass car.
Whee!
- Trick or treat! - Be safe kids.
Aye, there, landlubber.
How you doin', sheriff?
It's tough to tell the stoned teenagers from the real hookers.
Time to put this little octopus to bed.
Up and go.
Oh, good Lord.
Ladies, what is the actual objective here?
Post-post-post-feminist empowerment.
Mm-hmm. You playing that card? Really?
Hold on, I think I have some self-esteem in here somewhere.
Good one.
Yeah, I love it when old people try to be clever.
Totes adorbs.
Let's go, guys.
Oh, look, Lori Matherfield here in our yard.
Jack-o'-lanterns not up to code?
Ouch.
I guess I deserve that, huh?
Hey, I don't want to be a dick here,
but we got to get inside and put these little
- crustaceans to bed, so... - I... I... I was wrong
about the Trakarskys.
Oh, no, I wouldn't beat yourself up too bad about that.
Too late.
I'm really sorry for all of the tumult that I caused.
Water under the bridge. You know what?
It was confusing for all of us, so... no blood, no foul. Okay?
Please.
As if the Trakarskys went all sexually deviant
with some college chick and then crafted this
elaborate cover-up that she was their niece...
that is just crazy.
- It's nut-zoid. - Like unthinkable.
- Bonkers. - Outlandish.
Preposterous. You know, they're actually
a very vanilla couple if you know that term.
- Don't even look at each other naked. - They think HBO is porn.
- Well, it kind of is. - Can you believe
that Jack turned down the promotion and quit his job today?
I mean, who saw that coming?
Oh, you... you didn't know.
- That can't be good. - How's that,
Dave? What... what does that mean?
- Why is that not good? - No, he just means...
Mid-life crisis, probably. I don't know.
What's next? Ultimate Frisbee?
- Hydroponics? - Skinny jeans?
- Frosted tips? - Ironic mustache?
So, that happened.
Was that the niece? I thought they said
she was leaving for, uh...
- Jack. - Emma.
- Jack or Emma.
Probably one of the two Trakar... That's the Trakarsky...
- A Trakarsky was driving that car. - ... family vehicle, yeah.
Wouldn't have been the third one. She left town.
- Izzy. - Jack's niece.
- Yeah. - Okay, I'm gonna...
You people are still just a little strange.
- All right, nighty-night. - Great.
Now what the fuck?
I thought I lost you.
What is up, hooker?
Were you just watching me sleep?
Ah, the boundless narcissism of adolescence.
So, did you know Jack Trakarsky
declined his promotion and quit his job yesterday?
'Cause the Amaris, they didn't know anything about it.
That doesn't make any sense.
If he didn't want to be dean,
why go through the whole process?
Including, I might add, taking vats of shit
from a vindictive neighbor,
and then back out at the last second.
See, that's exactly what I'm wondering.
Fuck!
What are you, taking a shift for Lori?
Is this 'cause she laughed at one of your jokes?
Hey, what do I get if I pretend you're funny?
Maybe an oral presentation?
I shouldn't be vague about something this important.
I'm talking about a blowjob.
It's almost 2:00 in the afternoon,
and they haven't even come out for the paper yet.
Called Emma like seven times.
Honey, I'm going to play one-on-one
with Jack in a half an hour. You want to come watch?
Uh, yeah, you don't want that, babe.
What? Are you kidding me? Come on.
You're not turned on by the idea of me
waging battle on the court and sweating a lot more
- than everybody else? - No, it's cool.
- It's professional. - I can't. I just can't.
You know, this is all standard issue top to bottom.
This is what the pros wear.
The shorts are too long for my body, though. I get that.
I feel like we should've worked our way up to that, you know?
My dick is broken.
I think we're gonna have to
MacGyver some sort of penis splint.
I feel like I have full-body hernia.
Yeah, I'm so winded.
I feel like I need to back off the weed
or go for a walk or eat something
that doesn't come delivered in a cardboard box probably.
That being said, you guys want to go again?
Mm, as long as I don't have to move or do anything at all.
I mean that. I mean that literally. Like...
like I'm a blow-up doll.
I can't feel my tongue.
Am I talking funny?
- No. - No.
I guess there is a world out there.
Mm.
You know we have nothing to feel guilty about, right?
Spoiler alert...
guilt's not a huge issue in my life. So...
I see you, Nina Martone.
I see you.
Okay, I'm gonna yack all over you.
Mm.
Guys pay you for that?
I really want to say no, but...
God, please do.
I'm kidding, dumb-ass.
Were you drunk this time?
No.
Me neither.
Sh... she promised to call,
and I've been texting since last night, and nothing.
- So... - Neen.
I think her plane crashed.
You really think that her plane crashed?
Well, obviously not. Okay, it's just...
Her fiery death is better than getting shut down?
Okay. Okay.
You know what? I'm not usually one for next-day hugging.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I do think you're right.
Her plane almost certainly did crash.
Okay, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna keep this simple.
What the... the fuck?
Uh, could you possibly keep it a little less simple?
So, you told me that this was over.
And now Izzy's back, Jack quit his job?
Wait a second... did you quit your job
so that this wouldn't have to be over?
No, I... I quit my job...
um...
I can't remember, but it was something really profound.
- Oh, shit. Um, I got to go. - What's up?
Nina's been texting since last night.
Pretty sure I'm walking into a serious ass-kicking.
Hey, Jack.
Did you have any engagements today
that you may have forgotten about?
Here's a clue. My husband's wearing oversized shorts,
knee socks, a headband. And God damn it,
do you know how hard it is to unsee that shit
- so I can have sex with him again? - Totally forgot about that.
Fuck.
By the way, I agree with you on the outfit.
As a man, I am embarrassed by him.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye, Carmen.
- Bye, Izzy. - Have a nice day.
- Is that your bra? - No, that's mine.
So, what are you saying? You don't dig this either?
Carmen said this was, like, sexually off-putting to her.
How is that possible? It's regulation top to bottom.
Look at this. You can get a little
- nipple slip on the side for free. - That is absurd.
- Absurd? - It's like a little retro, too.
You look like you're in, like, a '70s porn movie.
That's exactly what I was going for.
And you know what? At least I showed up on time
- to play in some games. - Sorry, man.
Ridiculous. Your time management is ridiculous.
- Okay, fine, just go. - So what's the deal?
The three of you are back together now? Huh?
For how long?
You gonna play out this whole four-week contract, or what?
In.
Actually, she's moving in.
We're throupling.
- Throupling? - Yeah, it's a word.
If that's a word, it is fucking stupid,
and you should never use it.
Although, I mean, this whole thing is fucking stupid.
So why shouldn't you make up your own vocabulary.
- It's not stupid. - Off.
Are you seriously worried
that your children will be scarred because three consenting adults
live across the street from you?
I am, which surprises me, and I resent it.
I blame you for making me feel uncool
in a highly Matherfield kind of way.
We've exposed your inner Lori.
That is cruel.
More.
We're in love. I'm in love with both of them.
Oh, you're in love with both of them?
Equally?
Your wife of nine years and the escort you hired
five minutes ago... you love them both the same, even Steven?
Yeah, that seems reasonable.
Remember that I said this, Jackson.
This is all gonna end very badly for you.
Thanks for the support, man.
It's a bit more ominous than I expected, but thanks.
- What friends are for. Off. - Swish.
This is right here. You know what I'm saying?
Our long-time best friends, who live directly
across the street, invite some college chick
into their marriage on a full-time basis
to live in their house and sleep in their bed.
I'm just... I'm not down with it,
and that makes me feel douchey, which, again,
I fucking resent.
Look at me.
So now you're hitting on me
- like that's gonna fix everything? - Carmen, look at me.
- Look at me. - Whatever.
Look at me.
You have never been cool.
I'm shocked to hear you think otherwise.
Hey, let's find out how that blouse looks in red.
Come here.
Okay, fine.
If you need to feel me up, I won't fight it.
Oh, but it might be more fun if you struggle.
- God, you are such a perv now. - I know.
You know Emma was into chicks in college, right?
Yeah. I think I'd know that.
She's my fucking wife, so I know everything about her.
Okay, so you've known the whole time?
No, she told me right after
- she made out with Izzy in the bathroom. - Oh, okay.
So Carmen, she told years ago,
- but you, she kept it a secret from. - What's your point?
I'm just saying, she seemed pretty eager
to get back on that bike.
Seemed to remember how to ride it pretty good, too.
- Off. - What are you saying? That she's...
like, Emma's like gay-gay?
Like the last 11 years with me was just an experiment?
No, maybe she's right down the middle, 50/50,
equal-opportunity bisexual. Or...
maybe she decided she likes one flavor more than another,
if you catch my drift. Off.
- What are you getting at? - We both know what you need to do.
Maybe you can give me a hint.
Get some chloroform and a rag and a crate,
and you ship Miss Sex Fairy back to Botslavia.
That is so offensive.
- First of all, I mean, chloroform? - Offensive to who?
People from Botslavia? That's not a real place.
Jesus Christ, man. Think about what you're saying.
The point I'm making is you hightail her ass out of here.
Nobody's taking anybody anywhere, okay?
This is happening. We are happening.
Wipe that look off your face.
I don't want to see that look. We are happening.
You really sound like you're trying to convince somebody.
- Is it me, or is it you? - I'm not trying to convince anybody.
You do remember we're having everybody over
for the game tomorrow, right?
The Matherfields are coming.
Gabe and Marie, too.
Oh. Don't be ridiculous.
You know I live for
parties built around televised sporting...
- matches. - Football. It's called football.
Mm, and I've thought of little else since you invited us.
Yeah, well, the point is...
are you bringing Izzy?
Margaritas and drive-through burritos.
I remember when that was our thing, like a week ago.
It just had to be the tequila.
Cuervo's law.
Where the fuck have you been?
They came after me.
It was super-romantic. It was like...
- Ow! - And you didn't call and tell me this?
You couldn't respond to just one of my 8,000 texts?
What about you?
Breaking all kinds of girl code with
Andy's penis and burritos and tequila.
Best scavenger hunt ever.
Okay, look, if you guys want me to go, I could just...
- Go. - Go.
Whoa.
Sorry, Boo.
Boo?
Yeah, I'm bringing it back.
- Really? - Really.
Ugh!
Ow!
Okay, bye.
God, do you know how ridiculous you sound?
How does that feel, huh?
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Stop, fuck, truce!
Ow!
Ow.
Ow, I should have seen that coming.
Obvious counter-move.
Ouch.
See how worried I've been?
I hoped your plane crashed.
- You mean you thought my plane crashed? - No, I hoped
your plane crashed because that's the only acceptable excuse
for not fucking calling me.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Well, you should be.
You're cleaning that shit up.
I will.
So, what's going on with you?
You dating the Griswolds or what?
What are you doing?
My November rent.
Only fair, 'cause I didn't give you any notice.
No.
Yes.
Don't bother inviting me to any of the
dumb-ass block parties or barbecues, okay?
Come on, Nin. We're best friends.
Did you seriously just BFF me,
- you condescending little carpet muncher? - Homophobia...
- that's very classy. - Fuck off.
- Nina, come on. - You know what?
Suddenly I don't give a shit, okay?
So get out,
'cause I got to get pretty for your ex.
Yeah, tequila makes us really frisky.
That's very sweet.
Hope it works out for you, rebound girl.
Yeah, you better fucking run!
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Uh-oh, what happened here?
You're gonna need that.
Okay.
Told him to keep them coming.
I said, "Keep them coming, sugar tits."
Always wanted to say that.
Only I didn't say "sugar tits."
I hope not. Otherwise these would probably be urine shots.
Yum.
Hey, you.
- Hey. - Hi.
Wow, it went well for you, too, huh?
Yep.
It was fucking awesome.
After jamming most of my own hand down my throat,
my best friend called me a homewrecking psychopath
and then threw me out so she could pork my ex.
- Such a complicated friendship. - Mm.
The fighting part used to be fun.
You know, Dave also cast you as the homewrecker.
Sweet. Do tell.
Yeah, he said you are a sex fairy
and that we should pack you up and ship you far, far away.
A sex fairy?
- I know. - Carmen...
Carmen came this close to saying
that we don't belong in the neighborhood anymore.
Yeah, and then she blamed me for making her feel uncool.
Bougie, judgmental, suburban assholes.
So, are we getting fucked up?
Apparently so.
Yeah, and you know what? After,
we're gonna egg some houses, bitches.
- Mnh-mnh. - Yes.
- Well... no. - Mnh-mnh.
- I don't think that's a good idea. - No, I will not be doing that.
- Why? - Bitches won't be egging any houses.
But I do agree with the sentiment.
What's the sentiment?
You walked out of the Hamilton School for a reason.
Right. What was my statement?
Wh... what was it, again?
It was a declaration of independence.
Yeah, right. We'll go with that, definitely.
Yeah, I mean, we... people, we're making a choice.
This is our life.
Our lives.
These are our...
- lives. - Honey.
Come on, you know what I mean.
I'm... I'm pretty drunk.
- You're drunk but right. Fucking testify. - Yeah. Yeah, okay.
I'll testify. We're gonna walk into that party
with our hands high and our heads held.
- It's the reverse, but, yes. - That was right.
- Yeah, the sentiment was there. - Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, because we are taxpaying adult citizens.
- Right, some of us are. - Yeah.
Okay, well, I... I got paid in cash. But whatever.
You know what I mean. This is our choice,
and this is what we want.
- Am I right, people? I am right. - You are right.
Could you possibly keep it down over there?
Could you possibly blow me, Ann Coulter?
- That was awesome. - Yikes.
A little bit scary.
Um, okay. Is the... speech is over?
'Cause my arm's getting tired. Can we drink these?
Let's do it.
Cheers, guys.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
So now we need to make our statement.
Right, like a protest.
Protest. Protest.
It... It needs to be something that says,
- "Fuck all y'all." - Yeah.
Yeah, like, something like...
something like fuck all y'all!
That was exactly the same thing, just yelling it louder.
- Mm-hmm. - Think maybe, like, a new statement?
What is our statement? It's...
- just do it. - Um...
- Just... - Do it.
- Just do it. - No, 'cause I think that's taken.
- That's taken. - Well, three's, uh...
- Um... - Three's not company.
... a crowd, but not now.
Poly power. Domestic bliss with a twist.
Thrice for the throuple.
- Three's... - Thrice for the throuple!
Do you know the word "cunt" used to be...
it meant "cozy" when Chaucer used it.
Excuse me, buddy?
Can we have a couple more?
- Mm. No. - Oh. So, V.V.P.
You down with V.V.P.?
- Vagina, vagina, penis? - Yeah.
- No. - Yeah, you know me?
V.V.P.! Yeah, you know me! I love it.
Oh, my God, these are the worst statements ever.
I know. Um...
I got nothing.
You know what?
Let's just keep drinking and just...
and... and let the statement reveal itself.
- Right, yeah. - Barkeep.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Another one, sugar tits.
Oh, like it was all my idea?
You're right... it was probably all my idea.
Oh, my God, it's 1:00.
Dave and Carm's party is, like, now.
We can't go. They'll see these.
Mm.
No, they wouldn't, unless we go bottomless.
- And that would be super weird. - Ah.
Good point.
We're doing this.
- We are? - Fuck yeah, we are.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -