1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,557 Previously on "You Me Her"... 2 00:00:01,571 --> 00:00:03,520 We're together. We're a throuple. 3 00:00:04,336 --> 00:00:05,646 I got a connection at Griffin College, 4 00:00:05,676 --> 00:00:07,121 and they're expanding their psych department. 5 00:00:07,156 --> 00:00:09,737 So I will get you a meeting, little brother. 6 00:00:09,737 --> 00:00:11,308 Do you even want to be a college professor? 7 00:00:11,338 --> 00:00:13,083 I mean, 'cause I don't want to push you into anything. 8 00:00:13,203 --> 00:00:14,003 Pbht. 9 00:00:14,037 --> 00:00:15,617 What's that supposed to mean? Pbht? 10 00:00:15,647 --> 00:00:18,181 I just can't help but feel a little bit Lori-esque, 11 00:00:18,202 --> 00:00:19,769 like maybe we've become uncool. 12 00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:22,007 So, you're saying that we're provincial and we're judgmental because, 13 00:00:22,016 --> 00:00:25,949 - what, we're not cool anymore? - No. N... no. 14 00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,448 Oh, okay. Because I was gonna say yes. 15 00:00:27,468 --> 00:00:30,126 The Trakarskys and the Amaris 16 00:00:30,166 --> 00:00:32,987 are scheming against me. Only this time, 17 00:00:32,994 --> 00:00:35,638 they've recruited my own daughter. And, little missy, 18 00:00:35,672 --> 00:00:38,529 you can say bye-bye to that shiny new 3 Series. 19 00:00:38,596 --> 00:00:42,011 Please tell me that you did not threaten to break the leg 20 00:00:42,038 --> 00:00:43,896 - of a Hamilton student? - Uhhh... 21 00:00:43,923 --> 00:00:46,086 We're just going to delay the announcement 22 00:00:46,099 --> 00:00:47,510 of your promotion a couple of weeks. 23 00:00:47,537 --> 00:00:49,008 Think they even noticed that we left? 24 00:00:49,042 --> 00:00:51,272 Oh, is this about the thing I said about the bike? 25 00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,671 You don't think Emma's bi? You think she's just, like, gay? 26 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,563 - I don't know what I think. - Are you mad? 27 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,854 Who doesn't love a spirited public cuckolding? 28 00:00:57,902 --> 00:01:00,030 Am I the only one questioning their life choices right now? 29 00:01:00,064 --> 00:01:02,887 - I love you. - I love you more. 30 00:01:02,898 --> 00:01:07,921 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 31 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:18,049 O-kay. Th-e-ere we go. 32 00:01:37,047 --> 00:01:39,291 Morning, hottest senator on the hill. 33 00:01:39,949 --> 00:01:42,098 Wish I'd brushed my teeth. 34 00:01:45,006 --> 00:01:47,783 - Does Izzy need to get up? - I'll check when I get in the shower. 35 00:01:47,903 --> 00:01:50,137 Kept dreaming Leatherface was chasing me. 36 00:01:54,992 --> 00:01:57,540 Kind of feel like I'm walking into a fight. 37 00:01:59,173 --> 00:02:00,485 I overreacted. 38 00:02:00,930 --> 00:02:04,015 I was drunk and well up my own ass. 39 00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:13,691 So, what's with the dazzling dapper-tude? 40 00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:16,258 I'm going to the interview at Griffin. 41 00:02:16,291 --> 00:02:17,392 Yeah? 42 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,450 You're positive I'm not pushing you 43 00:02:21,455 --> 00:02:23,077 into anything you don't want to do? 44 00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:25,127 Do you want coffee? 45 00:02:26,374 --> 00:02:29,470 Just say it, Jack. It's so much worse when you don't. 46 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,078 Okay. We never actually discussed inviting Izzy 47 00:02:35,095 --> 00:02:36,825 to move in with us. You just did it. 48 00:02:39,103 --> 00:02:42,186 So, I've already pushed you into something you don't want to do? 49 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,010 No. I mean, I don't know. 50 00:02:47,392 --> 00:02:49,149 It's just all happening so fast. 51 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,502 Maybe that's why the kitchen's rotating. 52 00:02:51,929 --> 00:02:53,503 Vodka guzzled by the bottle 53 00:02:53,525 --> 00:02:55,754 might be another contributing factor. 54 00:02:56,112 --> 00:02:58,671 Yeah. I heard that doesn't mix very well with fertility meds. 55 00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:00,405 Probably not. 56 00:03:05,392 --> 00:03:07,773 I should've danced. Okay? 57 00:03:08,332 --> 00:03:09,899 Sorry I was acting like such a dick. 58 00:03:10,908 --> 00:03:12,950 Oh, let's just go back to being dizzy together. 59 00:03:13,180 --> 00:03:14,873 - All right? Yeah? - Okay. 60 00:03:14,993 --> 00:03:19,076 I will make out with you, but brush your teeth. 61 00:03:19,993 --> 00:03:21,837 Yeah. A lot of last night's still in there. 62 00:03:21,957 --> 00:03:23,263 Ew. 63 00:03:24,494 --> 00:03:25,633 Hey, 64 00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:27,266 are you nervous? 65 00:03:27,699 --> 00:03:29,100 For the interview? 66 00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,872 No, not really. 67 00:03:32,352 --> 00:03:34,972 Well, stressed? Would you say you're stressed? 68 00:03:35,969 --> 00:03:37,509 Oh, I get it. 69 00:03:37,536 --> 00:03:39,836 Yeah. Super stressed. 70 00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:41,994 Like, I'm having a full-blown panic attack. 71 00:03:42,054 --> 00:03:44,879 Okay, well, don't go anywhere. I will be right back. 72 00:03:45,216 --> 00:03:46,250 Okay. 73 00:03:50,151 --> 00:03:51,328 It's gonna be much better 74 00:03:51,355 --> 00:03:52,966 than me and you in the shower tonight, buddy. 75 00:03:53,237 --> 00:03:54,843 Stop talking to your dick! 76 00:03:55,619 --> 00:03:56,703 Sorry. 77 00:03:58,493 --> 00:04:01,400 - But, seriously, it's gonna be awesome. - Good morning. 78 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,052 Hey, were you guys talking across me last night? 79 00:04:04,274 --> 00:04:06,623 Uh, no. Must've been a dream. 80 00:04:06,905 --> 00:04:08,413 Oh, yeah, that makes sense. 81 00:04:08,533 --> 00:04:10,675 'Cause you guys were talking about me snoring, and 82 00:04:11,141 --> 00:04:14,314 - I definitely don't snore. - Well, there you go. 83 00:04:14,569 --> 00:04:15,980 Clearly a dream. 84 00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:20,431 I got to go blow Jack. 85 00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:22,353 You have to blow Jack? 86 00:04:22,644 --> 00:04:24,569 Was that part of your marriage vows? 87 00:04:24,574 --> 00:04:27,216 Seriously, though, is this, like, an every morning thing 88 00:04:27,265 --> 00:04:28,573 - or just to start the week? - Shut up. 89 00:04:28,610 --> 00:04:30,561 Does it go both ways? 90 00:04:30,628 --> 00:04:33,564 Can I get in on this situation? 91 00:04:35,939 --> 00:04:38,236 Do you always brush your teeth first? 92 00:04:45,777 --> 00:04:47,990 Actually, got to go now. 93 00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:50,067 Sorry. Can I get a rain check? 94 00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:51,591 Seriously? 95 00:04:51,869 --> 00:04:53,918 It's the thought that counts, right? 96 00:04:53,985 --> 00:04:56,587 Yeah, well, I bet he disagrees. 97 00:04:56,654 --> 00:04:59,256 Yeah, well, he is a total dick, so... 98 00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:01,062 Bye. 99 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:14,539 Everything okay? 100 00:05:15,018 --> 00:05:16,195 Yeah. 101 00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:17,756 You know, 102 00:05:17,876 --> 00:05:20,611 you brushed the hell out of your teeth and gargled. 103 00:05:20,914 --> 00:05:23,501 It seems a shame to waste all that. 104 00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:29,576 I can get out here. 105 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,316 Sure you can, 106 00:05:31,436 --> 00:05:33,453 if you want another month without your car. 107 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:34,847 You realize you're making me hate you 108 00:05:34,863 --> 00:05:36,507 like everybody else does. 109 00:05:36,772 --> 00:05:39,749 Your problem's in the mirror, kiddo. I am just a 110 00:05:39,754 --> 00:05:42,656 kindly mother giving her daughter a ride... 111 00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:45,611 all the way to the main steps. 112 00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:49,337 That's for Freshmen and Sophomores! 113 00:05:49,521 --> 00:05:52,802 And Juniors who conspire with pervy neighbors 114 00:05:52,829 --> 00:05:54,696 against their own mothers. 115 00:05:56,187 --> 00:05:57,181 What... 116 00:05:57,489 --> 00:05:59,056 What is that about? 117 00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:02,143 Do not imagine killing me in my sleep. 118 00:06:04,453 --> 00:06:07,558 - Wore that one out. - Whoa, whoa. Unh-unh. Nope. 119 00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:09,142 Get back in. 120 00:06:09,190 --> 00:06:10,432 That is an order. 121 00:06:10,497 --> 00:06:14,065 I'm making a silent vow to never, ever end up like you. 122 00:06:14,131 --> 00:06:15,732 That's not silent. I can hear you. 123 00:06:15,852 --> 00:06:18,124 Well, oops. Guess the cat's out of the bag. 124 00:06:18,151 --> 00:06:21,134 I may as well start immediately. Every single choice I make, 125 00:06:21,150 --> 00:06:23,911 I'm gonna ask myself, "WWLD... 126 00:06:24,085 --> 00:06:25,495 What would Lori do?" 127 00:06:25,864 --> 00:06:28,190 And then I'm gonna do the exact opposite. 128 00:06:28,244 --> 00:06:30,490 Look at you, thinking you're getting to me. 129 00:06:30,610 --> 00:06:32,617 Look at me, knowing I am. 130 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:36,768 - You'll always be like me. - I'll literally be your polar opposite. 131 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,057 - Two months. No car for two months. - Make it three. 132 00:06:41,253 --> 00:06:42,750 I like these chats. 133 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:45,548 Fun, right? 134 00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:50,994 Oh, dear God. 135 00:06:51,932 --> 00:06:53,212 I made that. 136 00:07:02,446 --> 00:07:04,998 I am so sorry. I just found out that I'm... 137 00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:10,501 I'm pinch-hitting. Oh, this just got weird. 138 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:14,191 Ruby. 139 00:07:15,198 --> 00:07:16,397 Jack. 140 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:18,116 What are you doing here? 141 00:07:18,441 --> 00:07:21,669 Well, I, uh... I just walked out of an office that says 142 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,853 - "Professor Shivani" on the door, so... - You work here. 143 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,971 Are you interviewing me? 144 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,208 Head of the department called in sick, 145 00:07:31,399 --> 00:07:33,811 or disinterested, or both. 146 00:07:34,730 --> 00:07:37,317 So, yep, I'm interviewing you. 147 00:07:39,991 --> 00:07:41,419 Ruby Shivani. 148 00:07:42,009 --> 00:07:44,216 Jack Trakarsky. 149 00:07:49,771 --> 00:07:52,001 So, what ever happened to the 150 00:07:52,321 --> 00:07:55,385 skinny, Nordic-looking chick you start dating immediately... 151 00:07:56,079 --> 00:07:59,196 - after... - After you dumped me? 152 00:08:01,288 --> 00:08:04,308 Yeah. You ever see her? 153 00:08:04,795 --> 00:08:07,494 Occasionally. Here and there. 154 00:08:08,043 --> 00:08:11,248 Mainly 'cause I married her about a decade ago. 155 00:08:11,315 --> 00:08:14,385 - No shit. - Not an ounce of shit. 156 00:08:15,389 --> 00:08:16,822 Kids? 157 00:08:18,055 --> 00:08:20,586 That's been a trickier road. 158 00:08:20,754 --> 00:08:22,603 Sorry. I didn't mean to... 159 00:08:24,430 --> 00:08:26,472 What about you? What about that ex-boyfriend 160 00:08:26,475 --> 00:08:28,541 that you got back together with and then told me about 161 00:08:28,563 --> 00:08:30,282 by text message? 162 00:08:31,606 --> 00:08:35,966 That was such a dick move that I have tried so hard to forget. 163 00:08:36,221 --> 00:08:38,618 Um, I married mine, too. 164 00:08:39,877 --> 00:08:42,073 I'm not sensing a happy ending. 165 00:08:42,637 --> 00:08:45,517 I wanted kids. He wasn't ready. 166 00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:48,245 Now he has two with someone else. 167 00:08:50,056 --> 00:08:51,998 Look, I'm not trying to make excuses, 168 00:08:52,022 --> 00:08:54,357 but I could tell that your parents didn't like me. 169 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,443 I always wondered, was it an ethnic thing? 170 00:08:57,508 --> 00:08:59,417 Oh, yeah, 'cause you're so Third World, 171 00:08:59,537 --> 00:09:01,630 and my dynastic fox-hunting family 172 00:09:01,652 --> 00:09:03,902 would've never accepted you as anything but the maid? 173 00:09:04,092 --> 00:09:06,566 You did manage to find a chick whiter than you. 174 00:09:07,395 --> 00:09:08,767 That's fair. 175 00:09:08,887 --> 00:09:11,262 Sometimes our photos look like they came with the frames. 176 00:09:15,416 --> 00:09:17,179 It wasn't an "ethic thing." It was a 177 00:09:17,238 --> 00:09:20,146 "prissy-self-involved thing," to quote my mother. 178 00:09:21,786 --> 00:09:23,845 Yeah. I... I do that when I'm nervous. 179 00:09:29,957 --> 00:09:31,183 Look... 180 00:09:32,268 --> 00:09:33,397 I'm sorry. 181 00:09:41,405 --> 00:09:46,338 Antioxidants, Omega-3, Spirulina and alkaline, all in one bottle? 182 00:09:46,382 --> 00:09:47,836 I have no clue what any of those things are, 183 00:09:47,846 --> 00:09:49,669 yet I'm convinced I can't live without them. 184 00:09:50,081 --> 00:09:51,296 So, 185 00:09:51,670 --> 00:09:54,680 as they say, about last night? 186 00:09:55,570 --> 00:09:57,256 Get over it. It wasn't that bad. 187 00:09:57,288 --> 00:09:59,876 It was that bad with a dollop of shit on top. 188 00:09:59,881 --> 00:10:02,972 Not sure what was cringier, you and Izzy publicly vacuuming 189 00:10:02,989 --> 00:10:05,782 each other's mouths or Jack awkwardly watching it. 190 00:10:05,830 --> 00:10:08,310 It's not like he's never seen us kiss before. 191 00:10:08,917 --> 00:10:10,908 Well, the untrained eye might mistake you two for 192 00:10:10,924 --> 00:10:14,412 a couple of full-blooded lesbians, not bisexuals. 193 00:10:14,412 --> 00:10:18,178 Well, when I'm with a girl, how can anyone make that distinction? 194 00:10:18,298 --> 00:10:21,445 What, should I wear a bisexual I.D. badge? 195 00:10:23,507 --> 00:10:24,951 Are you kidding me? 196 00:10:25,071 --> 00:10:26,687 You're kidding me, right? 197 00:10:27,785 --> 00:10:30,870 After almost a decade of marriage to the love of my life and... 198 00:10:30,917 --> 00:10:33,460 - and you're wondering... - I'm wondering because Jack's wondering. 199 00:10:35,304 --> 00:10:37,995 We're in love. All three of us. 200 00:10:38,062 --> 00:10:41,823 - Why... why can't you just... - Who are you pitching this to, me or you? 201 00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:44,108 Or were you practicing for Jack? 202 00:10:44,155 --> 00:10:47,377 - Aren't you the sanctimonious... - Whoa, whoa. That's an open wound. 203 00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:48,955 Let's just... 204 00:10:49,151 --> 00:10:51,494 stick to your mess for now and we'll circle back 205 00:10:51,504 --> 00:10:54,025 to my Crisis of Cool. 206 00:10:55,741 --> 00:10:57,222 What'd he say? 207 00:10:58,219 --> 00:11:00,346 He and Dave were discussing how fast 208 00:11:00,362 --> 00:11:01,967 you remembered how to ride that bike. 209 00:11:01,972 --> 00:11:03,475 - The bike being... - Yeah, no, I get it. 210 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,489 - Vagina. The bike's a vagina. - Carm, I get it. 211 00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:09,451 - It's my job, Em. You know that. - Well, you're fired. 212 00:11:09,706 --> 00:11:11,219 Doesn't work that way. 213 00:11:13,285 --> 00:11:16,029 As far as that uncool thing goes, you know, maybe... 214 00:11:16,083 --> 00:11:18,199 maybe you should start a support group... 215 00:11:18,319 --> 00:11:19,647 with Lori. 216 00:11:20,612 --> 00:11:23,091 I... I'm gonna count to 10, 217 00:11:23,129 --> 00:11:25,380 and then I'm gonna throw this murky shit at your head. 218 00:11:25,407 --> 00:11:28,575 So, if I were you, I would try to achieve maximum distance. 219 00:11:28,591 --> 00:11:30,767 - Yeah. You wouldn't. - One, 220 00:11:30,977 --> 00:11:33,296 two, three-four-five... 221 00:11:34,685 --> 00:11:37,994 You're just luck this grainy-ass piss is so expensive. 222 00:11:39,858 --> 00:11:42,034 Oh, God. That's just fucking awful! 223 00:11:42,154 --> 00:11:44,739 Now, Emma wants to quit her job, too. 224 00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:48,753 So, basically, you two are going white-people crazy 225 00:11:48,780 --> 00:11:52,703 - because you can't make babies. - I would love to deny that. 226 00:11:53,442 --> 00:11:55,326 Well, I'm a professional, Jack, 227 00:11:55,446 --> 00:11:59,358 which is how I know you really don't want to be a college professor. 228 00:12:00,334 --> 00:12:01,820 What do you want to do? 229 00:12:03,453 --> 00:12:05,627 I just want to help as many kids as possible get 230 00:12:05,888 --> 00:12:08,686 safely and sanely to the other side of 18. 231 00:12:11,979 --> 00:12:15,027 I'm starting to think I want the job I walked away from. 232 00:12:15,737 --> 00:12:17,359 Or some version of that. 233 00:12:19,441 --> 00:12:21,193 Oh, shit. I got a thing. 234 00:12:21,215 --> 00:12:23,439 Um, can I see you again? 235 00:12:23,477 --> 00:12:25,575 Like, just for coffee or something? 236 00:12:27,237 --> 00:12:28,596 Confession? 237 00:12:29,622 --> 00:12:31,016 Okay. 238 00:12:31,385 --> 00:12:34,802 I had created this kind of dark fantasy in my mind about 239 00:12:34,845 --> 00:12:36,722 what it would be like if we ever saw each other again. 240 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,098 How did it measure up? 241 00:12:39,309 --> 00:12:40,720 Is divorced enough for you? 242 00:12:40,736 --> 00:12:43,372 Oh, did I mention, I'm on, like, 11 dating sites? 243 00:12:43,492 --> 00:12:45,596 Hmm. You could've had the common decency to at least 244 00:12:45,645 --> 00:12:48,959 be morbidly obese, or have terrible skin, 245 00:12:48,993 --> 00:12:51,583 - or peg leg due to diabetes. - Sorry. 246 00:13:03,412 --> 00:13:05,603 I forgave you a long time ago. 247 00:13:14,964 --> 00:13:16,900 Thanks. Bye. 248 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:31,505 - Professor Shivani? - Yeah. 249 00:13:31,625 --> 00:13:33,050 She's hot. 250 00:13:33,349 --> 00:13:34,792 She is. 251 00:13:35,009 --> 00:13:37,186 You thinking about bringing her in the mix, too? 252 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:40,812 Andy. 253 00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:42,392 Yep. 254 00:13:42,724 --> 00:13:44,927 - Who knows Izzy. - Yep. 255 00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:48,623 Just to explain this, 256 00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:51,314 we were friends, like a million years ago. 257 00:13:51,335 --> 00:13:53,490 - Really good friends, Ruby and I. - Got it. 258 00:13:55,714 --> 00:13:57,074 Yeah? 259 00:13:57,194 --> 00:13:59,673 All right, fine. She was my ex. 260 00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,822 - Okay. - My ex-girlfriend before Emma. 261 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,734 Can we keep this between us? 262 00:14:03,854 --> 00:14:05,768 If you ran into an old flame, I mean, 263 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:07,471 why do you got to keep that a secret? 264 00:14:07,788 --> 00:14:09,008 And you're right about... yeah. 265 00:14:09,036 --> 00:14:11,869 Can we also keep that between us, the fact that I asked you 266 00:14:12,276 --> 00:14:15,583 - to keep it between us? - Here's my deal, okay? 267 00:14:15,909 --> 00:14:17,570 You buy lunch, 268 00:14:18,044 --> 00:14:20,166 one hour of free counseling, 269 00:14:20,551 --> 00:14:24,132 and I never saw you, uh, mooning after your ex. 270 00:14:24,349 --> 00:14:26,559 Fine. 271 00:14:26,986 --> 00:14:29,650 Why does everyone keep blackmailing me these days? 272 00:14:29,884 --> 00:14:32,579 You're going through some very strange shit, ain't you, Uncle Jack? 273 00:14:32,652 --> 00:14:35,872 I am. Yeah. I am going through some tough stuff. Yeah. 274 00:14:38,619 --> 00:14:39,465 Look, 275 00:14:39,925 --> 00:14:42,381 I'm getting this vibe like Nina's... 276 00:14:43,331 --> 00:14:47,240 holding back, playing it cool, you know? 277 00:14:47,874 --> 00:14:49,514 So, scary Nina? 278 00:14:49,557 --> 00:14:53,436 - Really? That's what we're talking about? - Yeah. Scary Nina. Really. 279 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,244 Okay. You're serious about her? 280 00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:59,787 Yeah. I know it's fast, but 281 00:14:59,907 --> 00:15:01,268 it's like I snapped out of this coma 282 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,258 and she was the first face that I saw. 283 00:15:03,378 --> 00:15:04,630 Aww. 284 00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:07,109 - Bro. - Sorry. 285 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,751 I'm guessing that Nina is 286 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:12,263 scary because she's scared. 287 00:15:13,131 --> 00:15:16,108 Listen to that man. That is some profound shit. 288 00:15:16,157 --> 00:15:17,730 So, you got to hold her close, man. 289 00:15:17,768 --> 00:15:19,514 Got to hold her real tight, like a... 290 00:15:19,981 --> 00:15:21,614 autism blanket, 291 00:15:22,412 --> 00:15:26,348 until the spasms and the fits subside. 292 00:15:26,609 --> 00:15:28,735 - And then we're good? - No. 293 00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:31,527 Then she'll have even more fits and more spasms. 294 00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:33,159 That's fuckin' awful. 295 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,716 Mm. 296 00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:36,798 But then, at the end of that, 297 00:15:36,814 --> 00:15:38,826 at least she'll finally believe in you. 298 00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:41,652 Anyway, that's what you're signing up for. 299 00:15:42,753 --> 00:15:46,131 That is so fucking good, 300 00:15:46,170 --> 00:15:48,154 I'm gonna... Can I use that? 301 00:15:49,059 --> 00:15:50,789 So, we got autism, 302 00:15:50,811 --> 00:15:54,613 - fits, persistence, right? - Looks like you got it. 303 00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:56,164 Hello? 304 00:15:57,471 --> 00:16:00,476 Ruby. No. I'm actually just a few blocks away. Why? 305 00:16:01,718 --> 00:16:03,155 Sure. I'll be right there. 306 00:16:03,736 --> 00:16:05,374 I got to run. 307 00:16:05,406 --> 00:16:07,099 You're making this really rough on me, Uncle Jack. 308 00:16:07,219 --> 00:16:08,758 - What're you talking about? - What am I talking about? 309 00:16:08,769 --> 00:16:09,946 I'm talking about you. 310 00:16:10,017 --> 00:16:11,416 Professor Shivani. 311 00:16:11,687 --> 00:16:13,260 - That was serious, right? - No. 312 00:16:13,292 --> 00:16:14,784 - Yes. - You got it all wrong, man. 313 00:16:14,822 --> 00:16:15,804 The road not taken. 314 00:16:16,053 --> 00:16:18,282 No. There's nothing. 315 00:16:18,657 --> 00:16:19,850 - It's nothing going on. - You sure? 316 00:16:19,926 --> 00:16:23,467 Yes, I'm sure. Fuckin'-A. I can't just walk and... 317 00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:25,724 - Just calm down. - Just get accusations thrown left and right. 318 00:16:25,740 --> 00:16:26,841 There's nothing going on. 319 00:16:26,961 --> 00:16:28,018 Fuck! 320 00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:32,894 But, um, I was never here. 321 00:16:33,941 --> 00:16:35,356 This never happened. 322 00:16:36,983 --> 00:16:38,569 - Right? - Sure. 323 00:16:38,969 --> 00:16:40,357 Do I need a receipt or... 324 00:16:40,704 --> 00:16:41,936 We don't do receipts. 325 00:16:42,109 --> 00:16:43,683 Okay, don't leave my tab open. 326 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,371 I left his tab open. 327 00:16:49,822 --> 00:16:51,015 My man. 328 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:02,839 So, how would you feel about helping kids 329 00:17:02,866 --> 00:17:06,093 get to the other side of 21 instead of 18? 330 00:17:08,572 --> 00:17:11,902 Like, counseling for Griffin students? 331 00:17:12,363 --> 00:17:13,920 Like a wellness center. 332 00:17:14,489 --> 00:17:16,604 What an amazing idea. 333 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:19,164 You are so smart, Jack. 334 00:17:20,352 --> 00:17:22,955 All kidding aside, I really wish women still did that. 335 00:17:23,015 --> 00:17:25,493 - Well, we don't, so get over it. - Okay. 336 00:17:27,478 --> 00:17:31,695 This is probably me making this unnecessarily weird, but, um... 337 00:17:33,626 --> 00:17:36,571 you ever think about me over the last dozen years? 338 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:39,104 - Um... - Oh, God. That was so stupid. 339 00:17:39,149 --> 00:17:40,449 - I'm sorry. Yeah, no. - No. 340 00:17:40,466 --> 00:17:42,819 - That... - Rewind. Erase. Look, I got to go, 341 00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:46,654 - so, I will call you and... - Your watch is on the other wrist, 342 00:17:46,714 --> 00:17:48,417 by the way. 343 00:17:48,953 --> 00:17:50,325 And yes. 344 00:17:50,543 --> 00:17:52,750 Yeah, of course I've thought of you. 345 00:18:00,138 --> 00:18:03,387 - I'll call you about the wellness center. - Cool. 346 00:18:03,507 --> 00:18:04,460 - Cool. - Yeah. 347 00:18:04,504 --> 00:18:05,502 Okay. 348 00:18:11,451 --> 00:18:14,310 We need you guys to know this was not an easy call for me. 349 00:18:14,586 --> 00:18:16,245 Are you fucking kidding me right now, Andy? 350 00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:17,780 You barely know Uncle Jack. 351 00:18:19,787 --> 00:18:22,385 It's not even really like he was doing anything wrong. 352 00:18:22,781 --> 00:18:25,542 You know, it's not like they were making out or something. 353 00:18:25,553 --> 00:18:27,642 Okay, if it was all so inconsequential, 354 00:18:27,762 --> 00:18:29,740 why the fuck are you telling us? 355 00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:34,013 Answer the girl. 356 00:18:34,078 --> 00:18:35,754 Okay, um... 357 00:18:36,676 --> 00:18:40,196 Because it... She didn't seem like an ex. 358 00:18:41,237 --> 00:18:43,510 She seemed like the ex. 359 00:18:43,895 --> 00:18:45,543 The one that got away. 360 00:18:47,382 --> 00:18:49,563 Why else would he tell me not to say anything? 361 00:18:50,398 --> 00:18:51,954 - Oh, fuck. - Yeah. 362 00:18:51,976 --> 00:18:54,258 - It's okay. - Why would he do this? 363 00:18:54,443 --> 00:18:56,932 Because he's insecure about his place 364 00:18:56,965 --> 00:18:59,134 in this wacky new relationship. 365 00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:01,542 Because men? 366 00:19:01,597 --> 00:19:02,898 Oh, nice. 367 00:19:02,926 --> 00:19:05,854 What would happen if I said, "because women" about anything? 368 00:19:05,882 --> 00:19:08,495 Maybe some day, when we're all squared up, okay? 369 00:19:10,008 --> 00:19:11,300 It feels fragile. 370 00:19:12,097 --> 00:19:13,502 The three of us. 371 00:19:13,795 --> 00:19:17,085 - So shocking. Ow! - Stop. Do not hit me back. 372 00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:19,590 I have to think. 373 00:19:21,342 --> 00:19:23,247 I have to do something. 374 00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:31,939 Thanks. 375 00:19:31,989 --> 00:19:33,524 You're welcome, have a good night. 376 00:19:33,591 --> 00:19:36,233 - Thank you. - Hey. Hey! 377 00:19:36,353 --> 00:19:38,678 - Hey, honey, check this out. - No, I don't care 378 00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:40,033 if Izzy just fucked a giraffe in the street. 379 00:19:40,064 --> 00:19:41,081 We're not doing that anymore, 380 00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,093 - the whole looking out the window thing. - But it's really addictive. 381 00:19:43,093 --> 00:19:44,357 Okay, we are gonna be 382 00:19:44,363 --> 00:19:46,342 the very cool stars of our own very cool movie, 383 00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:48,333 starting right now, this second. Understand? 384 00:19:48,697 --> 00:19:49,825 Absolutely. 385 00:19:50,074 --> 00:19:51,561 - Okay. - Are you okay? 386 00:19:53,551 --> 00:19:55,308 I just really... 387 00:19:56,106 --> 00:19:57,847 really want to be cool again, Dave. 388 00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:09,356 Okay. 389 00:20:10,582 --> 00:20:11,992 It's just that... 390 00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:16,341 people like us, at our advanced age, 391 00:20:16,352 --> 00:20:20,050 consciously deciding to be cool, that's perilous terrain. 392 00:20:20,294 --> 00:20:21,732 It's thin ice. 393 00:20:21,797 --> 00:20:24,193 We don't want to end up with dragons on our asses, you know? 394 00:20:24,231 --> 00:20:25,999 No fucking clue what that means. 395 00:20:26,482 --> 00:20:29,390 You know those stupid $300-a-pair jeans they make 396 00:20:29,406 --> 00:20:32,747 just so people like us can embarrass ourselves? 397 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,052 So, no pink highlights? 398 00:20:35,795 --> 00:20:37,672 - I mean, you're Asian, so that's... - Right. 399 00:20:37,699 --> 00:20:40,216 - Human animé. Walking cliché. - Yeah. 400 00:20:41,864 --> 00:20:44,674 So, what are we gonna do then? 401 00:20:47,658 --> 00:20:51,048 Don't react right away. Let it wash over you. 402 00:20:51,097 --> 00:20:52,019 Okay. 403 00:20:52,621 --> 00:20:53,820 Bring it. 404 00:20:54,272 --> 00:20:55,632 Three words. 405 00:20:55,849 --> 00:20:57,509 No. Four words... 406 00:20:57,693 --> 00:21:01,978 Suburban... Internet... Sextape... Scandal. 407 00:21:02,683 --> 00:21:05,287 I think that's five words. Is "sex tape" one word or two words? 408 00:21:05,317 --> 00:21:07,899 Suburban Internet sex-tape scandal. I'm... 409 00:21:08,411 --> 00:21:10,733 I'm kidding, obviously. Right, that's clear? 410 00:21:10,759 --> 00:21:12,099 - I'm clear that I'm obviously kidding? - No, no, no. No, no, 411 00:21:12,108 --> 00:21:14,097 no, no. No. We're desperate. I... 412 00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:15,982 I don't hate it. 413 00:21:16,361 --> 00:21:18,138 Exactly. 414 00:21:19,311 --> 00:21:22,681 Ahh, pizza, wine, weed. 415 00:21:24,722 --> 00:21:27,571 This whole thing is amazing, Iz. 416 00:21:27,638 --> 00:21:29,106 Thanks. 417 00:21:29,393 --> 00:21:30,858 Yeah, look at you. 418 00:21:30,899 --> 00:21:33,461 Lipstick, heels, the whole nine. 419 00:21:33,468 --> 00:21:36,274 You look super hot. 420 00:21:37,101 --> 00:21:38,728 Thanks. 421 00:21:38,983 --> 00:21:41,149 So tell me about your day, honies. 422 00:21:41,583 --> 00:21:43,596 - Well... - No. Jack first. 423 00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:46,993 Oh, shit! 424 00:21:47,113 --> 00:21:49,794 Your interview. I... I totally forgot. 425 00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:53,139 - How'd it go? - It was fine. 426 00:21:53,634 --> 00:21:54,989 Good. 427 00:21:55,733 --> 00:21:57,533 Nothing special. 428 00:21:57,865 --> 00:22:00,834 That's it? Just "fine-good"? 429 00:22:01,526 --> 00:22:03,003 Nothing else? 430 00:22:03,932 --> 00:22:05,797 No surprises? 431 00:22:08,366 --> 00:22:10,149 Fucking Andy. 432 00:22:10,269 --> 00:22:11,905 Like he had a choice. 433 00:22:12,142 --> 00:22:14,197 Someone fill me in on what's going on. 434 00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:18,197 - Jack's interviewer was Ruby Shivani. - Yeah. 435 00:22:18,210 --> 00:22:19,644 - Ruby Shivani? - Mm-hmm. 436 00:22:19,650 --> 00:22:21,255 Your last girlfriend before me? 437 00:22:21,721 --> 00:22:23,604 - Yeah. - Huh. What are the odds? 438 00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:26,874 Why didn't you... why wouldn't you... 439 00:22:30,540 --> 00:22:31,972 Shit, Jack. 440 00:22:32,385 --> 00:22:33,914 Not telling me tells me a lot. 441 00:22:33,984 --> 00:22:36,647 No. I just knew you guys would twist it into something 442 00:22:36,669 --> 00:22:38,372 that it absolutely wasn't, which is exactly 443 00:22:38,394 --> 00:22:40,540 - what's happening right now. - Watch him closely, Em. 444 00:22:40,573 --> 00:22:41,810 - You know his tells. - No. 445 00:22:41,826 --> 00:22:44,723 - Yeah, they're not complicated. - All right. Is she single? 446 00:22:45,108 --> 00:22:48,021 Andy said you met up with her a second time. Why? 447 00:22:48,206 --> 00:22:49,491 Did you flirt with her? 448 00:22:51,466 --> 00:22:53,424 I mean, maybe subtextually. 449 00:22:53,598 --> 00:22:55,442 "Subtextually?" What the fuck does that even mean? 450 00:22:55,562 --> 00:22:58,940 There's always a subtle undercurrent. 451 00:22:59,558 --> 00:23:02,032 I don't know. I'm just trying to hyper-honest 452 00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:04,342 with you guys right now because I'm super high, 453 00:23:04,462 --> 00:23:06,311 you're being pretty fucking intimidating. 454 00:23:06,371 --> 00:23:08,220 Why would you even do this? 455 00:23:08,263 --> 00:23:09,804 Because men. 456 00:23:10,878 --> 00:23:14,126 You're sexually involved with two women for fuck's sakes! 457 00:23:14,246 --> 00:23:16,962 How much female approval can one man require? 458 00:23:17,082 --> 00:23:19,083 - Oh, okay. You really want to fucking go there? - Yeah! 459 00:23:19,203 --> 00:23:20,845 - You really want to do this right now? - Yeah. Yeah. 460 00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:23,133 - I really want to fucking do this. - I fucking do, too. 461 00:23:23,149 --> 00:23:24,305 Are you gonna finally be honest? 462 00:23:24,332 --> 00:23:25,742 Are you gonna finally say what you fucking think? 463 00:23:25,775 --> 00:23:26,929 - All right. Here it is. - Let's hear it. 464 00:23:26,956 --> 00:23:29,262 You guys have been third-wheeling the shit out of me! 465 00:23:29,522 --> 00:23:31,355 - Ka-fucking-blam! - Okay. 466 00:23:31,366 --> 00:23:33,280 Okay, just let me get this straight. So, 467 00:23:33,307 --> 00:23:36,263 you get to "undercurrent" all over your primary ex 468 00:23:36,306 --> 00:23:40,435 because you've decided that I'm not fluid, I'm a lesbian? 469 00:23:41,612 --> 00:23:44,508 That's right. Jack told the Amaris I might be full-blown gay. 470 00:23:44,535 --> 00:23:45,771 That's not at all what I said. 471 00:23:45,831 --> 00:23:48,385 So, I guess that means that you've decided for me too? 472 00:23:48,505 --> 00:23:51,308 Are you the official Minister of Sexual Orientation? 473 00:23:51,428 --> 00:23:54,188 - Congratulations. - You know what? Fuck you, Jack. 474 00:23:54,611 --> 00:23:57,091 Fuck you and your fragile, little male ego. 475 00:23:57,139 --> 00:23:58,533 - Really? That's how it is? - Yeah. 476 00:23:58,549 --> 00:24:01,033 Okay, well, fuck you for making massive life decisions 477 00:24:01,049 --> 00:24:02,704 completely on your own that affect both of us. 478 00:24:02,752 --> 00:24:05,036 - Is that... is that me? - Um... 479 00:24:05,062 --> 00:24:06,597 Are you talking about me? 480 00:24:07,580 --> 00:24:10,269 Well, then, fuck you both for chasing me down 481 00:24:10,275 --> 00:24:13,090 half-cocked, you matching set of dumbshits! 482 00:24:13,317 --> 00:24:15,101 We should've thought it through more. That was... 483 00:24:15,128 --> 00:24:17,482 - Yeah. - That was on both of us. 484 00:24:25,651 --> 00:24:26,860 This is good, 485 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,910 because we're throwing all of our shit 486 00:24:28,943 --> 00:24:31,198 on the table to flop around where we can see it. 487 00:24:31,383 --> 00:24:34,089 But why would shit be flopping around? 488 00:24:34,127 --> 00:24:36,796 - Yeah. It probably should've been fish. - The... 489 00:24:37,333 --> 00:24:38,754 Then it's a fish. 490 00:24:38,803 --> 00:24:40,424 The point is, 491 00:24:40,544 --> 00:24:42,860 is that we knew this wasn't gonna be easy. 492 00:24:45,989 --> 00:24:47,236 Right. 493 00:24:48,397 --> 00:24:50,913 I'm sorry for making you feel like the odd man out. 494 00:24:52,664 --> 00:24:54,069 Me, too. 495 00:24:56,992 --> 00:25:01,606 And I'm sorry for keeping the "girl-girl-girl" thing from you. 496 00:25:02,386 --> 00:25:04,753 I know that's a big part of what you're feeling. 497 00:25:07,445 --> 00:25:09,248 Well, I'm sorry if I 498 00:25:09,994 --> 00:25:12,590 "subtextually" acted out instead of just 499 00:25:12,710 --> 00:25:14,515 talking to you guys about it. 500 00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:17,458 This is good. 501 00:25:18,163 --> 00:25:20,081 We've done good work here. 502 00:25:21,193 --> 00:25:22,916 And now we're gonna have sex. 503 00:25:24,361 --> 00:25:28,008 - Well, that was a sharp turn. - Mm, yep. We're gonna fuck it out. 504 00:25:28,128 --> 00:25:30,626 I think the term is "hug it out," right, Jack? 505 00:25:30,746 --> 00:25:34,063 You guys are more than welcome to keep talking, but 506 00:25:34,870 --> 00:25:36,206 I'm gonna go 507 00:25:37,236 --> 00:25:39,128 back up to the bedroom, 508 00:25:39,248 --> 00:25:41,331 and I'll leave this dress here. 509 00:25:41,528 --> 00:25:43,426 But I can keep the heels on. 510 00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:48,694 So 26. 511 00:25:49,650 --> 00:25:52,266 - "Fuck it out." - You think that's gonna work? 512 00:25:54,178 --> 00:25:55,846 Okay, so I'm good. 513 00:25:55,901 --> 00:25:57,907 Hmm. Me, too. 514 00:25:58,287 --> 00:25:59,874 Told you. 515 00:26:00,644 --> 00:26:01,792 Mm. 516 00:26:11,949 --> 00:26:14,362 So, apparently, "Fuck it out" doesn't actually work 517 00:26:14,403 --> 00:26:16,044 for suburban 30-somethings. 518 00:26:16,098 --> 00:26:18,132 Good thing, because I'd be out of business. 519 00:26:22,666 --> 00:26:24,586 Sorry. 520 00:27:03,353 --> 00:27:08,421 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -