1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 Synced by peritta - corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:12,821 --> 00:00:14,525 We're together. We're a throuple. 3 00:00:14,527 --> 00:00:16,266 Previously on "You Me Her"... 4 00:00:16,268 --> 00:00:20,275 The alumni board are gonna find this new information very interesting. 5 00:00:20,277 --> 00:00:22,372 We're just going to delay the announcement 6 00:00:22,373 --> 00:00:23,707 of your promotion a couple of weeks. 7 00:00:23,708 --> 00:00:25,575 I hate my boss and I want to quit my job. 8 00:00:25,576 --> 00:00:27,445 - What's this? - The coolest firm in Seattle. 9 00:00:27,492 --> 00:00:29,361 It's not like I'm actually gonna go. 10 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,180 I just really want to be cool again, Dave. 11 00:00:31,182 --> 00:00:34,384 Suburban Internet... sex tape, scandal. 12 00:00:34,385 --> 00:00:35,513 I don't hate it. 13 00:00:35,515 --> 00:00:37,587 How would you feel about helping kids 14 00:00:37,588 --> 00:00:40,657 - get to the other side of 21? - Like a wellness center? 15 00:00:40,658 --> 00:00:42,875 Oh, is this about the thing I said about the bike? 16 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:45,595 You don't think Emma's bi? You think she's just, like, gay? 17 00:00:45,596 --> 00:00:47,945 You guys have been third-wheeling the shit out of me. 18 00:00:47,947 --> 00:00:50,697 You get to undercurrent all of your primary ex 19 00:00:50,699 --> 00:00:52,885 because you've decided I'm a lesbian. 20 00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:54,935 - So this is happening? - Listen to me. 21 00:00:54,937 --> 00:00:57,606 I just finished telling someone that I was the complication. 22 00:00:57,608 --> 00:00:59,210 - What someone? - Ruby. 23 00:00:59,343 --> 00:01:01,211 Fuck this. 24 00:01:23,180 --> 00:01:24,586 What's going on? 25 00:01:24,890 --> 00:01:26,563 Oh, that's lovely. 26 00:01:27,105 --> 00:01:29,107 Can you rupture something snoring that hard? 27 00:01:29,475 --> 00:01:31,345 Radical theory... do you think that humans snore 28 00:01:31,346 --> 00:01:33,079 so that in the caveman days, someone didn't bury them? 29 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,636 Prefacing something idiotic with "radical theory" 30 00:01:35,638 --> 00:01:36,981 doesn't make it less idiotic. 31 00:01:37,115 --> 00:01:39,951 Little Gabe... on point with his sass game. 32 00:01:41,252 --> 00:01:43,742 - Little Gabe getting sassy, eh? - Call me that one more time, 33 00:01:43,744 --> 00:01:46,033 I will put a pillow over your giant face and sit on it. 34 00:01:46,035 --> 00:01:48,238 Yeah, you will. 35 00:01:49,287 --> 00:01:50,753 Okay, this is... 36 00:01:51,129 --> 00:01:52,680 unsettling. 37 00:01:53,041 --> 00:01:55,177 Uh, say, Gabriel, do you want to... 38 00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:57,196 Make sure Marina doesn't walk into traffic 39 00:01:57,198 --> 00:01:59,032 while taking a selfie and become the face 40 00:01:59,034 --> 00:02:00,903 of a national public service campaign? 41 00:02:01,005 --> 00:02:02,625 Super funny. 42 00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,741 Let's blow this intervention. 43 00:02:04,742 --> 00:02:06,164 - Dumb-ass. - Dickhead. 44 00:02:06,258 --> 00:02:08,429 Okay, so, look, not to be that brother, 45 00:02:08,431 --> 00:02:11,282 but I can't have the kids witnessing a gruesome, prolonged descent. 46 00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:13,150 I'm fine, man, I just need a few minutes to... 47 00:02:13,151 --> 00:02:15,018 Okay, you obviously don't remember, 48 00:02:15,019 --> 00:02:17,288 and I wish that I didn't, but last night... 49 00:02:17,628 --> 00:02:21,021 last night was a weepy, snotty shit show. 50 00:02:21,294 --> 00:02:23,828 No. It wasn't that bad, I... 51 00:02:23,830 --> 00:02:24,897 It wasn't that bad. 52 00:02:24,899 --> 00:02:26,368 Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you were our pet, 53 00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:27,713 we would have just shot you and buried you out back. 54 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:28,838 Stop. 55 00:02:29,976 --> 00:02:31,845 Oh, man. 56 00:02:31,970 --> 00:02:33,445 Feels like I'm losing everything. 57 00:02:33,447 --> 00:02:35,742 You're not exactly losing anything, bro. 58 00:02:35,744 --> 00:02:38,728 No, you very willingly walked away from a promotion, 59 00:02:38,730 --> 00:02:40,257 and then you left your home 60 00:02:40,259 --> 00:02:42,981 and your wife with her new girlfriend. 61 00:02:43,817 --> 00:02:45,544 Okay, you know what? 62 00:02:47,185 --> 00:02:49,052 Okay, enough, okay? 63 00:02:49,053 --> 00:02:51,173 Maybe Emma and I for the past few years 64 00:02:51,175 --> 00:02:52,673 weren't awesome in the bedroom, 65 00:02:52,675 --> 00:02:55,548 but we did have some really incredible times before that. 66 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,768 Like, really hardcore stuff. I don't know if she told you, 67 00:02:57,769 --> 00:02:59,997 but, I mean, not like porn star level, but... 68 00:02:59,998 --> 00:03:02,132 - Stop, please. - Yeah, it's... 69 00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:04,347 Okay, it wasn't even about the sex, okay? 70 00:03:04,349 --> 00:03:05,661 It was the fact that we had a connection, 71 00:03:05,662 --> 00:03:07,433 - that we were together. - Jack, lesbians are deceptive. 72 00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:09,301 They look just like real chicks. You know, they wear dresses, 73 00:03:09,302 --> 00:03:10,941 they wear makeup, they marry dudes. 74 00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:12,944 What? It's true. 75 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,012 You know how much I like Emma. 76 00:03:16,014 --> 00:03:18,091 We both do. And for the record, 77 00:03:18,093 --> 00:03:20,016 I do really believe that you guys were in love 78 00:03:20,018 --> 00:03:21,505 since the first night that you met. 79 00:03:21,507 --> 00:03:23,103 Thank you. Finally... 80 00:03:23,104 --> 00:03:24,569 Someone speaking the truth here. 81 00:03:24,570 --> 00:03:26,672 But then you introduced a woman 82 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,267 into your marriage, and you reminded your wife 83 00:03:28,268 --> 00:03:29,658 that she's at least three-quarters gay. 84 00:03:29,659 --> 00:03:32,149 She's not. Oh, my God. What the fuck? 85 00:03:32,151 --> 00:03:34,151 - Hey. No, no. Hey. - Please don't, I just woke up. 86 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,836 Shh. 87 00:03:38,838 --> 00:03:40,366 - I love you. - You do? 88 00:03:40,368 --> 00:03:41,391 Yeah. 89 00:03:41,993 --> 00:03:44,042 Yeah. All right, I want you to have what we have. 90 00:03:44,110 --> 00:03:45,164 Yeah. 91 00:03:45,374 --> 00:03:47,109 I got to go, 'cause work calls. 92 00:03:47,111 --> 00:03:48,178 I have a job. 93 00:03:48,179 --> 00:03:50,582 And good luck. 94 00:03:51,382 --> 00:03:54,185 I'm sorry. 95 00:03:54,319 --> 00:03:57,120 Take a long, brisk walk, all right? 96 00:03:57,121 --> 00:03:59,122 Clear your head. 97 00:03:59,123 --> 00:04:02,904 Get some perspective and just think about things. 98 00:04:02,906 --> 00:04:04,380 - That sounds good, actually. - Okay. 99 00:04:04,382 --> 00:04:05,388 - Yeah. - Do that. 100 00:04:05,390 --> 00:04:06,890 I'm gonna do that. 101 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,922 Hi. 102 00:04:45,169 --> 00:04:46,226 Hi. 103 00:04:53,709 --> 00:04:55,760 So this is where you've been. 104 00:05:20,408 --> 00:05:21,676 So, that was... 105 00:05:23,207 --> 00:05:24,274 good. 106 00:05:28,115 --> 00:05:30,527 I was gonna say, "Awesome, fucking amazing," 107 00:05:30,529 --> 00:05:32,166 but those are overused, right? 108 00:05:32,841 --> 00:05:34,843 Yeah, you're right. "Good" is... 109 00:05:34,922 --> 00:05:36,524 "Good" is better. 110 00:05:43,496 --> 00:05:44,696 Um... 111 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,854 It's just... 112 00:05:53,049 --> 00:05:54,332 It's just... 113 00:05:59,071 --> 00:06:00,806 It's just what? 114 00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,307 I didn't... I didn't... 115 00:06:04,707 --> 00:06:06,490 I didn't mean for it to happen. 116 00:06:07,260 --> 00:06:09,077 It's not why I came here. 117 00:06:11,594 --> 00:06:12,758 Why'd you come? 118 00:06:13,309 --> 00:06:14,752 To take you home. 119 00:06:18,008 --> 00:06:19,404 Is that what Emma wants? 120 00:06:23,865 --> 00:06:24,932 She's... 121 00:06:24,934 --> 00:06:27,091 She's angry. 122 00:06:27,790 --> 00:06:29,118 I'm angry. 123 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,481 Then talk. 124 00:06:34,289 --> 00:06:36,250 Should I tell her, what, you came over here and... 125 00:06:36,614 --> 00:06:39,706 evened things up, so now we're all good? 126 00:06:39,907 --> 00:06:42,558 That's very funny. You're very funny. 127 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,490 I was thinking more along the lines of "I'm sorry." 128 00:06:46,491 --> 00:06:49,147 You think I'm the one that should be apologizing to her? 129 00:06:49,592 --> 00:06:52,263 Oh, for fuck's sake, why don't I count it down 130 00:06:52,265 --> 00:06:55,201 so the two of you can say it at exactly the same time? 131 00:06:55,203 --> 00:06:57,347 - It's just unbelievable. - Take it easy. 132 00:06:57,349 --> 00:06:59,445 In what version of the universe am I the bad guy? 133 00:06:59,447 --> 00:07:00,466 Uh, 134 00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,683 how about the version where the last words 135 00:07:02,685 --> 00:07:04,599 you said to us before you stormed out 136 00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:05,936 were "Ruby Shivani." 137 00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:08,621 Uh, maybe the version where you've been acting 138 00:07:08,623 --> 00:07:10,722 like a wounded Emo meddle score. 139 00:07:10,724 --> 00:07:13,848 Meanwhile, the real version in the real world 140 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,427 consists of two lesbians, 141 00:07:16,429 --> 00:07:17,764 a happy gay couple, 142 00:07:18,115 --> 00:07:20,518 who just have this inconvenient dude 143 00:07:20,792 --> 00:07:23,825 who's like a fucking Goddamn beard around them all the time. 144 00:07:23,827 --> 00:07:25,962 Honestly, enough with the beard stuff. 145 00:07:25,964 --> 00:07:29,159 Was there any point in the last 30 minutes or so 146 00:07:29,161 --> 00:07:31,523 where I seemed gay to you? 147 00:07:32,406 --> 00:07:34,008 I'm in love with you. 148 00:07:34,835 --> 00:07:38,049 Look at me. I'm in love with you and Emma. 149 00:07:38,181 --> 00:07:40,843 To be honest, maybe it's not you that I'm worried about. 150 00:07:42,243 --> 00:07:43,578 Okay, Jack. 151 00:07:44,094 --> 00:07:45,429 Here's the deal. 152 00:07:46,177 --> 00:07:48,990 There's a perfect shit storm brewing, 153 00:07:48,992 --> 00:07:52,062 and I'm the only one that seems to notice. 154 00:07:52,423 --> 00:07:53,708 Emma suddenly hates her job, 155 00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:55,491 her soul mate's caved out 156 00:07:55,493 --> 00:07:58,592 at big bro's ridiculous McMansion. 157 00:07:58,617 --> 00:07:59,991 And you ready for this? 158 00:08:00,087 --> 00:08:03,632 She just got an absolutely stupid offer 159 00:08:03,634 --> 00:08:07,094 from some giant douchey firm in Seattle. 160 00:08:07,638 --> 00:08:10,478 So, please, I'm asking you to come back with me. 161 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,561 I'm gonna ask you again, is that what Emma wants? 162 00:08:16,465 --> 00:08:17,863 Because I haven't heard from her. 163 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,869 Not a word since I've been here, so... 164 00:08:25,186 --> 00:08:27,722 Did she tell you she wants me to come home? 165 00:08:29,773 --> 00:08:31,519 I mean... 166 00:08:32,896 --> 00:08:34,006 No. 167 00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:36,188 I'm sorry. 168 00:08:37,388 --> 00:08:38,849 Okay. 169 00:08:42,207 --> 00:08:45,010 I appreciate you coming here. 170 00:08:45,928 --> 00:08:47,216 I do. 171 00:08:49,865 --> 00:08:51,281 But I'm... 172 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,405 I'm sorry, that's not enough. 173 00:09:18,577 --> 00:09:19,679 Shots! 174 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:23,113 It's good! 175 00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:25,859 Finished! 176 00:09:25,861 --> 00:09:26,929 Ah! 177 00:09:48,863 --> 00:09:50,865 Good morning, sunshine. 178 00:09:50,867 --> 00:09:52,202 Hi. 179 00:09:52,204 --> 00:09:55,006 Oh, I would not recommend taking a selfie right now. 180 00:09:55,206 --> 00:09:57,341 Unless it's a desperate cry for help. 181 00:09:57,632 --> 00:09:59,762 I have an excuse for being cranky. 182 00:09:59,764 --> 00:10:00,965 What's yours? 183 00:10:01,213 --> 00:10:02,414 Oh, you have an excuse? 184 00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:04,776 Oh, you mean falling into bed, wasted, at 4 A.M. 185 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,697 after partying like a college freshmen with Nina. 186 00:10:06,698 --> 00:10:08,829 What? No. 187 00:10:09,285 --> 00:10:10,848 Yeah. 188 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:15,102 Oh, you look lonely. 189 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,407 Let's go find your friends. 190 00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:20,401 Mmm. 191 00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:21,448 Wow. 192 00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:23,239 So, if I go get my camera right now, 193 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,317 would you be willing to reenact 194 00:10:24,318 --> 00:10:26,186 that whole sad, dark performance? 195 00:10:26,188 --> 00:10:27,291 'Cause that's exactly the opening I need 196 00:10:27,292 --> 00:10:28,962 for my documentary... 197 00:10:28,964 --> 00:10:30,664 "White People." 198 00:10:31,115 --> 00:10:32,536 What about white people? 199 00:10:32,810 --> 00:10:35,118 Well, humans crave challenges and hardships, 200 00:10:35,119 --> 00:10:37,254 and when they don't get those things, they... 201 00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:39,389 reflexively sabotage themselves. 202 00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:42,192 Or die on a mountain they had no reason to climb. 203 00:10:42,193 --> 00:10:43,572 That's impressive. 204 00:10:44,996 --> 00:10:46,500 That's, like, adolescent bullshit, 205 00:10:46,502 --> 00:10:49,370 but it's impressive within that specific category. 206 00:10:49,904 --> 00:10:51,869 - Well done, man. - Yeah. 207 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:55,948 So what's rock bottom for a guy like you? 208 00:10:56,747 --> 00:10:58,182 Shouldn't you be in school or something? 209 00:10:58,183 --> 00:11:00,940 Put Marie on Locations so I know where she is at all times. 210 00:11:01,151 --> 00:11:04,213 I'm just missing, like, study hall or Advanced Calc... 211 00:11:04,369 --> 00:11:06,083 - one or the other. - You know what, I don't care. 212 00:11:06,084 --> 00:11:07,418 This is so boring. 213 00:11:07,819 --> 00:11:09,719 This has nothing... it's nothing to do with me. 214 00:11:09,721 --> 00:11:11,049 It's not my problem. 215 00:11:12,223 --> 00:11:17,103 Seriously, do you need help with all of this business? 216 00:11:17,105 --> 00:11:18,840 All of what? 217 00:11:25,281 --> 00:11:28,101 So what were you doing while you were hugging the toilet 218 00:11:28,103 --> 00:11:30,908 and staring at your phone? 219 00:11:31,042 --> 00:11:33,044 I was checking the calendar. 220 00:11:35,964 --> 00:11:37,003 Seriously? 221 00:11:37,996 --> 00:11:40,532 Don't worry. It's... my dates were messed up. 222 00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:41,578 That's all. 223 00:11:41,580 --> 00:11:43,151 Well, you don't seem particularly happy. 224 00:11:43,153 --> 00:11:45,189 Usually at your age, that's a happy thing. 225 00:11:47,191 --> 00:11:49,439 You are on birth control, right? 226 00:11:50,471 --> 00:11:51,805 What are you insinuating? 227 00:11:52,024 --> 00:11:54,194 I'm not insinuating anything. I just... 228 00:12:01,873 --> 00:12:03,485 Iz. 229 00:12:04,008 --> 00:12:06,010 Hey, Izzy, are you okay? 230 00:12:08,505 --> 00:12:11,695 I got so fucked up. 231 00:12:12,668 --> 00:12:13,998 Yeah. 232 00:12:14,741 --> 00:12:15,942 I could tell. 233 00:12:22,024 --> 00:12:23,575 It's just... 234 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,761 Jack left, and you said he never leaves. 235 00:12:28,603 --> 00:12:30,300 Which means it's my fault. 236 00:12:30,301 --> 00:12:32,332 And I feel like I'm an alien here, 237 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,791 and I just... I just w... 238 00:12:34,793 --> 00:12:37,376 You just want to feel like yourself again. 239 00:12:38,890 --> 00:12:40,533 Yeah, I get that. 240 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:43,463 I'm really sorry, Em. 241 00:12:43,465 --> 00:12:46,547 I've been a passive-aggressive dick these last few days. 242 00:12:46,549 --> 00:12:47,616 Hey... 243 00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:52,243 We have all taken turns being dicks lately. 244 00:12:52,403 --> 00:12:53,871 All of us. 245 00:12:54,612 --> 00:12:56,194 Because we fucked up. 246 00:12:56,303 --> 00:12:57,704 Because we're moving too fast. 247 00:12:57,706 --> 00:13:00,393 And none of us wants to say anything. 248 00:13:00,904 --> 00:13:02,670 I don't know. 249 00:13:03,751 --> 00:13:05,070 Well, you can hold me to this, 250 00:13:05,072 --> 00:13:08,551 I am officially on an intense substance cleanse. 251 00:13:08,637 --> 00:13:09,705 Ugh. 252 00:13:09,707 --> 00:13:10,775 Yeah? 253 00:13:10,777 --> 00:13:12,779 Yeah. 254 00:13:13,081 --> 00:13:14,282 We'll do it together. 255 00:13:14,284 --> 00:13:15,719 - Yeah? - Yeah. 256 00:13:17,035 --> 00:13:19,548 I know I have barf-mouth, but will you kiss me? 257 00:13:19,792 --> 00:13:22,353 No, you do have barf-mouth. 258 00:13:22,643 --> 00:13:25,579 Whoo, man. This feels like 50 shades of wrong. 259 00:13:25,581 --> 00:13:28,055 It's gonna feel 31 flavors of right real soon. 260 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,350 All right, before we do this, just so you know, 261 00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:31,535 this is a one-time thing. Okay, this has to be. 262 00:13:31,537 --> 00:13:33,084 This is just me trying to, 263 00:13:33,086 --> 00:13:34,976 you know, get on a bridge to the other side. 264 00:13:34,978 --> 00:13:36,180 - This is... - Don't do me any favors. 265 00:13:36,181 --> 00:13:38,183 No, no, I mean, come on, after this. 266 00:13:38,369 --> 00:13:40,371 Just sit down, I need... 267 00:13:40,505 --> 00:13:42,372 Thank you, I guess I should say. 268 00:13:42,373 --> 00:13:43,550 That's better. 269 00:13:43,552 --> 00:13:45,554 Yeah. Thanks. 270 00:13:49,886 --> 00:13:52,604 So you ever gonna sober up enough to tap that Ruby chick? 271 00:13:54,573 --> 00:13:55,986 I'm just gonna forge on, assuming that 272 00:13:55,987 --> 00:13:57,002 that's what you want to say. 273 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,751 - Balls! - So, yes, I overheard 274 00:13:58,753 --> 00:14:00,524 Gabe and Marie talking about how much better off 275 00:14:00,525 --> 00:14:01,992 you'd be with Ruby. 276 00:14:05,329 --> 00:14:07,464 Don't hate me, I can't call an ambulance 277 00:14:07,465 --> 00:14:09,467 under these incriminating circumstances. 278 00:14:42,861 --> 00:14:43,929 Am I late? 279 00:14:43,931 --> 00:14:45,872 No, no, I'm early. 280 00:14:45,874 --> 00:14:47,584 Um, Emma Trakarsky. 281 00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:49,075 We talked on the phone. 282 00:14:50,326 --> 00:14:51,527 Right. 283 00:14:51,951 --> 00:14:53,193 Right. 284 00:14:54,148 --> 00:14:56,305 So that space just got snatched. 285 00:14:57,265 --> 00:14:58,955 While you were eating a sandwich? 286 00:14:59,409 --> 00:15:01,156 I can multitask. 287 00:15:02,086 --> 00:15:04,103 May I ask who snatched it? 288 00:15:05,389 --> 00:15:06,970 It was... 289 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,407 John... 290 00:15:09,197 --> 00:15:10,265 Ham. 291 00:15:10,461 --> 00:15:11,538 Jon Hamm. 292 00:15:11,540 --> 00:15:13,660 Jon Hamm, the actor? 293 00:15:13,850 --> 00:15:15,817 Maybe he's gonna open an ad agency. 294 00:15:16,896 --> 00:15:18,766 I don't know what smells worse, your lazy bullshit 295 00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,514 or the hostile cologne you bathed in. 296 00:15:21,672 --> 00:15:23,914 Custom blended specifically for me. 297 00:15:23,916 --> 00:15:26,091 Five large. Gets me laid like a carpet. 298 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:31,668 Hey! 299 00:15:31,911 --> 00:15:33,696 What the five other spaces? 300 00:15:34,485 --> 00:15:36,757 Strangest thing. They all got snatched, too. 301 00:15:41,387 --> 00:15:42,812 She knows. 302 00:15:43,256 --> 00:15:45,070 She fucking knows. 303 00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:53,640 God, these are good! 304 00:15:54,772 --> 00:15:57,174 What do you call this glorious manna? 305 00:15:57,176 --> 00:15:58,641 Spicy pork rinds. 306 00:15:58,953 --> 00:16:01,439 Is that like a nickname, or does it really come from a pig? 307 00:16:01,579 --> 00:16:03,657 I choose not to think about it. 308 00:16:04,125 --> 00:16:06,117 It's working though, man. I can... 309 00:16:08,112 --> 00:16:09,313 It's working, man. 310 00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:13,140 It feels like a lifetime ago that I was hung over. 311 00:16:13,985 --> 00:16:15,615 Yeah, you're welcome. 312 00:16:16,123 --> 00:16:17,584 So do you really love them? 313 00:16:17,773 --> 00:16:19,105 Both of them? 314 00:16:19,419 --> 00:16:20,486 Who? 315 00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:24,594 Oh, yes. Yeah. 316 00:16:25,369 --> 00:16:26,369 I do. 317 00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:31,762 But you think Aunt Emma might be gay, always has been? 318 00:16:34,405 --> 00:16:35,916 I don't know, maybe. 319 00:16:37,583 --> 00:16:39,559 Grownup life sounds pretty fucked up. 320 00:16:39,561 --> 00:16:40,686 Yeah. 321 00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:44,763 What about the college professor chick? 322 00:16:45,748 --> 00:16:47,466 That's just purely professional. We're... 323 00:16:48,184 --> 00:16:49,252 just friends. 324 00:16:49,254 --> 00:16:50,536 Actually might be colleagues soon. 325 00:16:50,537 --> 00:16:51,777 Oh! 326 00:16:52,785 --> 00:16:54,387 Okay. 327 00:16:54,832 --> 00:16:56,196 I'm 14 years old, 328 00:16:56,198 --> 00:16:59,401 and even I know you can't be friends with your hot, divorced ex. 329 00:16:59,403 --> 00:17:01,325 Okay, you can only pretend it's platonic 330 00:17:01,327 --> 00:17:03,969 until the imminent "Oops, we boned" incident. 331 00:17:07,291 --> 00:17:09,293 You're like some sort of sensei. 332 00:17:11,659 --> 00:17:13,260 I guess I'll, uh... 333 00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:15,706 design the rest of my life based on the deep thoughts 334 00:17:15,707 --> 00:17:17,278 of a stoned high school freshman. 335 00:17:17,380 --> 00:17:18,449 Yeah, you want me to lay down 336 00:17:18,450 --> 00:17:20,061 some more heavy duty wisdom on you? 337 00:17:20,063 --> 00:17:21,130 Please, why not? 338 00:17:21,132 --> 00:17:23,173 Well, if you and the professor chick 339 00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:25,238 had stayed together, you would have three kids 340 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,176 and be the dean of Hamilton High School right now... 341 00:17:28,599 --> 00:17:31,133 instead of smoking away your hangover with your nephew. 342 00:17:32,079 --> 00:17:33,657 Heavy, right? 343 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,359 Yeah. 344 00:17:37,214 --> 00:17:39,082 It's like a cat in the box. 345 00:17:39,084 --> 00:17:40,819 Absolutely. 346 00:17:43,259 --> 00:17:44,586 Wait, what? 347 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,876 Hey, you. 348 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,562 Aren't you supposed to be in school? 349 00:17:57,563 --> 00:17:59,106 Lunchtime, I think. 350 00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:00,317 Yeah. 351 00:18:00,569 --> 00:18:02,641 You pay for that stuff or... 352 00:18:03,342 --> 00:18:04,767 They barely staff week days. 353 00:18:04,769 --> 00:18:06,529 You could pretty much have whatever you want. 354 00:18:07,494 --> 00:18:10,043 For instance, Chloe Damico thinks 355 00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,841 she's pregnant every other Monday, 356 00:18:11,842 --> 00:18:14,338 snags like five different brands just to make sure. 357 00:18:15,068 --> 00:18:15,974 - Oh... - But then again, 358 00:18:15,975 --> 00:18:17,375 she's like a teenager and you're... 359 00:18:17,583 --> 00:18:18,639 30. 360 00:18:18,641 --> 00:18:19,842 - Okay. - So... 361 00:18:20,158 --> 00:18:23,031 First of all, I'm nothing like 30. 362 00:18:23,072 --> 00:18:24,844 - Okay. - And, second of all, 363 00:18:24,846 --> 00:18:26,478 you thought... 364 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,189 you thought I was shopping for pregnancy tests? Why? 365 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,845 Because you're reading all the labels. 366 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:34,981 Well, I'm doing research for a college paper. 367 00:18:35,137 --> 00:18:38,668 You suck so bad at lying. 368 00:18:39,072 --> 00:18:40,673 Well, I used to be better. 369 00:18:40,675 --> 00:18:42,677 I think we peak at 16. 370 00:18:42,841 --> 00:18:44,887 God, it's like breathing for me. 371 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,023 W.W.L.D. 372 00:18:54,685 --> 00:18:56,417 What is that? 373 00:18:56,419 --> 00:18:57,754 What would Lori do? 374 00:18:58,734 --> 00:18:59,779 Easy-peasy. 375 00:18:59,781 --> 00:19:03,073 She'd narc you out to your lezzy life partner. 376 00:19:04,933 --> 00:19:07,096 So I won't. 377 00:19:09,078 --> 00:19:10,912 I'm assuming this means you're late. 378 00:19:14,524 --> 00:19:15,725 Just... it's just a few days, 379 00:19:15,727 --> 00:19:17,120 and... but, normally, you can set a clock by it. 380 00:19:17,121 --> 00:19:18,445 I'm sorry. 381 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:22,777 Why are you hugging me? 382 00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:27,111 Because Lori wouldn't. 383 00:19:44,438 --> 00:19:46,750 I... I can't believe you would do this to me, Danny. 384 00:19:47,124 --> 00:19:50,688 I have a right to explore other options, God damn it! 385 00:19:57,401 --> 00:19:59,910 Yeah? Fuck you! 386 00:20:00,330 --> 00:20:01,655 Fuck you, fuck you, fuck... 387 00:20:01,657 --> 00:20:03,526 fucking grow up. It's just business, really? 388 00:20:03,528 --> 00:20:05,324 Well, fuck... fuck me! 389 00:20:05,326 --> 00:20:06,409 Emma? 390 00:20:07,899 --> 00:20:09,100 Lori. 391 00:20:09,444 --> 00:20:11,469 Car make you angry? 392 00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:12,524 Huh. 393 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,042 Um, actually... 394 00:20:16,056 --> 00:20:17,889 Actually, I was yelling at my boss. 395 00:20:18,293 --> 00:20:21,730 Yeah. She found out I was scouting office space, 396 00:20:21,732 --> 00:20:24,467 so she's blackballing me at the few places I can afford. 397 00:20:24,838 --> 00:20:26,660 And it turns out I signed a contract 398 00:20:26,662 --> 00:20:30,187 that basically says I can't hire anybody ever. 399 00:20:30,657 --> 00:20:33,404 So you might be mad at me a little, still. 400 00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:34,638 Afraid so, Lo. 401 00:20:35,841 --> 00:20:39,044 Lo? I... I get a nickname? 402 00:20:39,544 --> 00:20:41,372 That's great. 403 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:44,075 All right, well, brace yourself. 404 00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:46,250 - Brace myself? - Just go with it. 405 00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:51,273 Em and Lo, that's us. 406 00:20:51,275 --> 00:20:53,143 That's the spirit. 407 00:21:16,914 --> 00:21:18,116 Do you have an appointment? 408 00:21:18,117 --> 00:21:20,726 Um, yeah, like, for sure, 409 00:21:20,728 --> 00:21:22,618 Professor, I do. 410 00:21:23,376 --> 00:21:26,045 Worst imitation of a college chick ever. 411 00:21:26,047 --> 00:21:27,115 Come in, Jack. 412 00:21:27,117 --> 00:21:28,521 I don't even know who Jack is. 413 00:21:28,523 --> 00:21:31,421 Jack is dead. I killed him with my period. 414 00:21:31,422 --> 00:21:32,835 It was awesome, right? 415 00:21:32,837 --> 00:21:35,086 No, it was terrible. 416 00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:36,880 Hey. 417 00:21:37,876 --> 00:21:39,037 Where the hell have you been? 418 00:21:39,228 --> 00:21:41,248 It's like you fell off the edge of the earth. 419 00:21:42,095 --> 00:21:43,796 Can we say that's more or less 420 00:21:43,798 --> 00:21:45,044 an accurate representation 421 00:21:45,046 --> 00:21:46,846 of what's been happening and leave it at that? 422 00:21:48,192 --> 00:21:49,802 I've been staying at my brother's place. 423 00:21:52,396 --> 00:21:53,597 Oh. 424 00:21:54,091 --> 00:21:56,052 - Sorry, I, um... Sorry to hear. - It's nothing. 425 00:21:56,380 --> 00:21:58,729 Look, I've been trying to get a hold of you 426 00:21:58,731 --> 00:21:59,997 because the dean is interested 427 00:21:59,999 --> 00:22:02,205 in hearing your student services pitch. 428 00:22:02,206 --> 00:22:04,074 But it has to be tomorrow because he leaves 429 00:22:04,076 --> 00:22:06,368 the day after for a conference overseas. 430 00:22:07,248 --> 00:22:08,316 Can you be ready? 431 00:22:08,318 --> 00:22:10,320 I was born ready. 432 00:22:10,749 --> 00:22:12,215 I've always wanted to say that. 433 00:22:12,492 --> 00:22:14,494 Yes. Great. 434 00:22:14,496 --> 00:22:15,564 Awesome. 435 00:22:15,566 --> 00:22:17,434 Maybe I can thank you for real by... 436 00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:20,412 ... taking you out to dinner tomorrow night. 437 00:22:21,153 --> 00:22:23,021 Are you asking me on a date? 438 00:22:23,023 --> 00:22:24,225 Absolutely not. 439 00:22:24,227 --> 00:22:26,498 I'm just inviting a soon-to-be-colleague 440 00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:30,006 out for a platonic celebration of my imminent success. 441 00:22:30,103 --> 00:22:32,105 I don't sleep with married men, Jack. 442 00:22:32,223 --> 00:22:34,084 Neither do I, so we have that in common. 443 00:22:35,554 --> 00:22:36,888 Yes. 444 00:22:37,598 --> 00:22:38,711 Great. 445 00:22:46,502 --> 00:22:48,124 Hey, Carm? 446 00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,148 What's my motivation here, you know? 447 00:22:51,561 --> 00:22:54,652 I mean, like, I could pretty much slip out of these any second I want. 448 00:22:55,907 --> 00:22:57,342 Use your imagination! 449 00:22:57,344 --> 00:22:58,608 Whoa. 450 00:22:59,984 --> 00:23:01,194 Wow. 451 00:23:01,858 --> 00:23:03,107 Look at you. 452 00:23:03,623 --> 00:23:07,006 Standing there, wearing that? 453 00:23:07,445 --> 00:23:08,832 Is this okay? 454 00:23:10,025 --> 00:23:11,226 Is it okay? 455 00:23:11,228 --> 00:23:13,097 It's really scary. 456 00:23:13,099 --> 00:23:14,300 And sexy. 457 00:23:14,422 --> 00:23:17,224 Has to be scary and sexy, not just scary. 458 00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:18,894 I meant scary in a sexy way, that's all. 459 00:23:18,895 --> 00:23:20,764 I'm gonna have to edit this out. 460 00:23:20,851 --> 00:23:22,321 Okay, you know what, fuck you! You're not even trying. 461 00:23:22,322 --> 00:23:23,504 No, no, no. I was laughing with you, honey. 462 00:23:23,505 --> 00:23:24,737 No, no, no! No, no, no! 463 00:23:24,739 --> 00:23:25,657 Come back, come back, come back, come back! 464 00:23:25,659 --> 00:23:27,245 Look... hey, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! 465 00:23:27,247 --> 00:23:28,487 Come, come, come. 466 00:23:28,489 --> 00:23:29,824 Come, come. 467 00:23:30,253 --> 00:23:31,455 Look, I'm already at half mast, 468 00:23:31,456 --> 00:23:33,426 and you haven't even done anything to me yet. 469 00:23:35,130 --> 00:23:36,865 What are you gonna do to me, by the way? 470 00:23:36,967 --> 00:23:39,728 You gonna use that fly-swatter and squish me like a bug? 471 00:23:40,010 --> 00:23:41,223 I mean, I'm pretty stoned, 472 00:23:41,225 --> 00:23:43,467 so that could be fun or terrifying... 473 00:23:43,469 --> 00:23:44,618 or maybe both. 474 00:23:44,620 --> 00:23:46,993 And I guess that's how this is all supposed to work, right, so... 475 00:23:46,994 --> 00:23:48,729 Fairly high, too. 476 00:23:51,123 --> 00:23:53,323 Hey, what if I really like swatting you? 477 00:23:53,325 --> 00:23:55,018 - Oh, boy. - What if I just... 478 00:23:55,020 --> 00:23:56,488 Oh. 479 00:23:56,754 --> 00:23:59,258 What if I just threw the shit out of you, 480 00:23:59,260 --> 00:24:03,131 and I can't get off and don't stop, yeah! 481 00:24:03,748 --> 00:24:05,311 Well, I would remind you 482 00:24:05,313 --> 00:24:07,581 that I'm only pretending to be tied up, so... 483 00:24:08,742 --> 00:24:10,725 Oh, God, what if the kids die? 484 00:24:10,895 --> 00:24:12,371 - I'm sorry? - What if the kids die 485 00:24:12,373 --> 00:24:14,508 because we're high and I'm obsessively swatting you? 486 00:24:14,834 --> 00:24:16,366 I'm sorry, is that... is that part of this, 487 00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:17,435 or are you... I'm not... 488 00:24:17,437 --> 00:24:21,174 No, I'm sorry. Is that, um... stupid? 489 00:24:21,264 --> 00:24:24,167 Yes, I think so? I don't know. 490 00:24:27,603 --> 00:24:29,071 So what now? 491 00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:31,758 I mean, you know, you could... 492 00:24:32,275 --> 00:24:33,877 You know... 493 00:24:41,096 --> 00:24:43,471 I think the dominant party would be on the receiving end of that. 494 00:24:43,472 --> 00:24:44,383 Nice try. 495 00:24:44,385 --> 00:24:45,782 I actually read that a lot of women 496 00:24:45,783 --> 00:24:47,267 find giving head very empowering. 497 00:24:47,269 --> 00:24:49,406 Yeah, a man definitely concocted that bullshit. 498 00:24:49,407 --> 00:24:50,714 Why don't you go back to the cave 499 00:24:50,715 --> 00:24:52,341 and tell them we didn't fall for it. 500 00:24:52,343 --> 00:24:54,478 Okay, so why don't we just have sex? 501 00:24:54,479 --> 00:24:56,922 I mean, I think smoking weed and having sex 502 00:24:56,924 --> 00:24:59,032 is pretty cool, by suburban-parent standards. 503 00:24:59,158 --> 00:25:00,819 Hmm, whatever. Sure. 504 00:25:01,452 --> 00:25:02,786 All right. 505 00:25:03,421 --> 00:25:05,423 Geez. Oof! 506 00:25:05,867 --> 00:25:07,423 Okay, you're gonna be quiet 507 00:25:07,425 --> 00:25:09,694 and you're gonna stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey. 508 00:25:11,830 --> 00:25:12,897 Okay, now, that... 509 00:25:12,899 --> 00:25:14,768 What? What? 510 00:25:15,618 --> 00:25:16,768 I thought we were gonna stop 511 00:25:16,769 --> 00:25:19,279 - peeping on people. - Emma and Lori walking together. 512 00:25:21,029 --> 00:25:23,467 Emma and Lori. 513 00:25:24,337 --> 00:25:27,314 Oh, God! Emma had a super-bad day! 514 00:25:27,316 --> 00:25:28,640 - So? - She's gonna poison 515 00:25:28,642 --> 00:25:30,043 or otherwise murder Lori. 516 00:25:30,045 --> 00:25:31,619 Whoa, honey, honey, honey. 517 00:25:31,621 --> 00:25:33,260 Okay, I think you established 518 00:25:33,262 --> 00:25:35,744 that you might have the THC tolerance of a toddler. 519 00:25:36,223 --> 00:25:37,831 - That feels nice. - Yeah? 520 00:25:38,735 --> 00:25:40,354 Oh. 521 00:25:40,401 --> 00:25:41,784 - Yeah? - Yeah. 522 00:25:42,190 --> 00:25:43,370 - Geez. - I'm gonna go over there. 523 00:25:43,371 --> 00:25:45,175 - What? - I'm gonna go over there just to make sure, 524 00:25:45,176 --> 00:25:46,529 because she's made a lot of really fucked up decisions. 525 00:25:46,530 --> 00:25:47,892 Okay, but don't... don't completely abandon 526 00:25:47,893 --> 00:25:50,141 that fly-swatter thing. I kind of... like that. 527 00:25:50,143 --> 00:25:51,664 All you, babe. 528 00:25:52,909 --> 00:25:53,977 Oh, great. Okay. 529 00:25:53,979 --> 00:25:55,046 I'll, uh... 530 00:25:55,048 --> 00:25:56,917 I'll tend to my crying child... 531 00:25:57,153 --> 00:25:58,197 while I'm super high 532 00:25:58,199 --> 00:26:01,040 and midway through experimenting with light S&M. 533 00:26:07,495 --> 00:26:09,098 Look. 534 00:26:09,442 --> 00:26:11,577 It's Lady Carm-Carm? 535 00:26:12,841 --> 00:26:14,214 You okay? 536 00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:16,638 I don't think so. 537 00:26:16,985 --> 00:26:20,055 I'm currently hallucinating that you and Lori Matherfield 538 00:26:20,057 --> 00:26:21,792 are getting high on your porch. 539 00:26:21,970 --> 00:26:23,834 Ooh, you want to join? 540 00:26:23,836 --> 00:26:26,548 Or are you on your way to a performance? 541 00:26:32,519 --> 00:26:33,720 Yeah, what the hell? 542 00:26:33,722 --> 00:26:35,162 How much weirder can my night get? 543 00:26:35,163 --> 00:26:36,353 What? 544 00:26:36,354 --> 00:26:37,822 You don't want to know. 545 00:26:40,994 --> 00:26:43,931 This is good. I am happy and relieved. 546 00:26:44,227 --> 00:26:45,296 - This is good. - Hey. 547 00:26:45,297 --> 00:26:47,321 I am happy and relieved. 548 00:26:47,558 --> 00:26:48,625 This... 549 00:26:48,688 --> 00:26:49,890 You moved out. 550 00:26:49,892 --> 00:26:50,960 Hi. 551 00:26:50,962 --> 00:26:53,988 Remember, you kind of got to pay rent 552 00:26:53,990 --> 00:26:55,264 or give up the key, babe. 553 00:26:56,336 --> 00:26:58,290 Already moved into my room, huh? 554 00:26:58,503 --> 00:27:00,526 Um, I'm kidding. 555 00:27:00,651 --> 00:27:02,301 Iz, you can by whenever you want... 556 00:27:02,303 --> 00:27:03,604 more often, preferably. 557 00:27:03,606 --> 00:27:05,156 Thanks. 558 00:27:05,844 --> 00:27:07,466 Yay, right? 559 00:27:08,466 --> 00:27:09,960 Yeah, it's my third. 560 00:27:10,553 --> 00:27:11,975 They're all the same. 561 00:27:14,629 --> 00:27:15,873 Jesus. 562 00:27:16,794 --> 00:27:18,709 Ooh, uh... 563 00:27:18,759 --> 00:27:20,513 Were you hoping for something different? 564 00:27:20,625 --> 00:27:23,661 Mm, not when I bought them. 565 00:27:27,567 --> 00:27:28,567 And now? 566 00:27:30,109 --> 00:27:31,860 Well, um... 567 00:27:31,862 --> 00:27:33,539 I know this is good, 568 00:27:33,541 --> 00:27:35,971 and I'm happy and relieved, 569 00:27:35,973 --> 00:27:39,791 or I am more profoundly fucked in the head than I thought. 570 00:27:40,645 --> 00:27:43,938 So... this is good. 571 00:27:44,463 --> 00:27:46,332 And I am happy... 572 00:27:46,746 --> 00:27:48,216 and relieved. 573 00:27:50,382 --> 00:27:52,064 Come here. 574 00:27:54,157 --> 00:27:56,826 There's seriously something wrong with me. 575 00:27:56,912 --> 00:27:58,114 I know.