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subtitle by peritta - corrected by chamallow
www.addic7ed.com

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Previously on "You Me Her"...

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- So, this is happening.
- Listen to me.

4
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I just finished telling someone
that I was the complication.

5
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- What someone?
- Ruby.

6
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Fuck this.

7
00:00:21,044 --> 00:00:22,422
Jack left,

8
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,159
and you said he never leaves.

9
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- Clomid time.
- You must really want a kid.

10
00:00:26,296 --> 00:00:27,884
Maybe I can thank you for real

11
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by taking you out to
dinner tomorrow night.

12
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I have no fucking clue

13
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what I want sexually

14
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or reproductively.

15
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- I'm falling for you.
- I have to get to class.

16
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I'm scared shitless. I can't sleep.

17
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Do you really think
that I'm rebound girl?

18
00:00:41,713 --> 00:00:44,066
Well, define rebound.

19
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Why don't you call
Weird Janis and her lover

20
00:00:46,863 --> 00:00:48,503
and find out the appropriate attire

21
00:00:48,505 --> 00:00:49,805
for this cleansing ceremony?

22
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Okay, fine... Mom.

23
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You do realize that you can't just
say "Weird Janis and her lover."

24
00:00:53,819 --> 00:00:55,982
Oh, it's some freaky
chick at his agency.

25
00:00:55,984 --> 00:00:58,073
Let me be excruciatingly clear.

26
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If you tell Lori about this,

27
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- I will...
- You'll break my legs?

28
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This'll make you feel better.

29
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Jack has a big, romantic dinner

30
00:01:05,311 --> 00:01:07,070
with an ex-girlfriend tonight?

31
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If you go on this date tonight

32
00:01:08,279 --> 00:01:10,731
instead of going to help Emma
survive the next two days,

33
00:01:10,733 --> 00:01:12,660
when she knows that I
came here to get you,

34
00:01:12,662 --> 00:01:13,787
there's no turning back.

35
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I know who he's with.

36
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Ruby.

37
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Do you think it's Jack?

38
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He has a key.

39
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Right.

40
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Oh, God.

41
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- What?
- My parents could be early.

42
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Well, you're gonna have to
answer the door at some point, Em.

43
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We can do this.

44
00:01:53,307 --> 00:01:54,864
Yeah.

45
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Oh, what? You want me to hide?

46
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You want me to hide?

47
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Not so much hide. Just...

48
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,683
... don't be seen.

49
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Like, stay up here.

50
00:02:06,165 --> 00:02:08,138
Sure. Awesome.

51
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Bring me some leftovers.

52
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Don't forget about me.

53
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Coming!

54
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Lose your key?

55
00:02:38,064 --> 00:02:39,665
Can I come in?

56
00:02:40,557 --> 00:02:43,402
Shit, yeah. Come on in. It's, uh...

57
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You don't need an invitation.

58
00:02:50,209 --> 00:02:51,563
So, uh...

59
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Did you really have a date?

60
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It wasn't a date.

61
00:03:04,397 --> 00:03:05,992
What was it?

62
00:03:08,460 --> 00:03:10,769
Something I decided not to do.

63
00:03:12,689 --> 00:03:14,867
Well, I guess I should
be grateful, right?

64
00:03:14,869 --> 00:03:17,143
- I mean, at least you didn't...
- I love you.

65
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I love you.

66
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Yay! The other dickhead is back!

67
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I could've done that, you know,

68
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'cause I am like a
motherfucking yoga ninja.

69
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I don't know how other throuples do it

70
00:03:45,331 --> 00:03:46,837
without one of them always feeling

71
00:03:46,839 --> 00:03:48,975
like they were the odd human out.

72
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Is there a support group
for polyamory somewhere?

73
00:03:52,538 --> 00:03:54,591
Please, there's a support
group for dandruff sufferers.

74
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Did I hear that right?

75
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You wanna work this out?

76
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I should've come and gotten you.

77
00:04:03,213 --> 00:04:04,681
I never should've left.

78
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,148
Emma's made me give up
everything worth living for.

79
00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:10,722
Uh, she means toxic levels
of booze, weed, and pizza.

80
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She's making me drink
this disgusting potion

81
00:04:13,298 --> 00:04:14,815
that's supposed to, like,

82
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cut the pot out of your fat cells,

83
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but, really, all it's
doing is just, like,

84
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destroying my entire digestive system.

85
00:04:20,145 --> 00:04:21,806
Oh, cry me a river

86
00:04:21,808 --> 00:04:24,521
with your brave and
harrowing cleanse journey.

87
00:04:24,523 --> 00:04:26,391
I...

88
00:04:28,046 --> 00:04:30,715
I die a little every second I'm at work.

89
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And with rent this high,

90
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I'm gonna have to
start my firm in a yurt,

91
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so I win.

92
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Guess we're all caught up now.

93
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Yeah.

94
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Um...

95
00:04:43,356 --> 00:04:45,158
except for Seattle?

96
00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:48,954
Is that a thing, Em?

97
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,961
Yeah. Is it?

98
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:53,855
No.

99
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:56,202
Not anymore.

100
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,190
How about we, uh,

101
00:04:58,199 --> 00:05:00,671
keep working on that
whole "fuck it out" thing?

102
00:05:00,673 --> 00:05:03,343
Yeah, "fucking it out" is a versatile

103
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:06,077
and indispensable relationship salve.

104
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So, when does the Seaver
RV come and crash the party?

105
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,308
Oh, shit.

106
00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:32,375
Oh, there's so much to do.

107
00:05:33,136 --> 00:05:35,530
Like what? The house is clean.

108
00:05:35,532 --> 00:05:36,811
Reeks horribly of pumpkin spice...

109
00:05:36,812 --> 00:05:39,610
Okay, can you give the fucking
candles a break already?

110
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,093
Sorry. That was a little over the top.

111
00:05:42,674 --> 00:05:46,197
My parents make me a tad... psychotic.

112
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Speaking of your parents,

113
00:05:51,357 --> 00:05:53,492
what's the plan for this one right here?

114
00:05:53,626 --> 00:05:56,563
And we're back to referring
to me in the third person.

115
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Awesome.

116
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Guess what... "this one" is right here,

117
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and she has ears on
both sides of her head.

118
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I also hate it when you guys do
the married-forever telepathy thing

119
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so I don't know what's going on.

120
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Look at you.

121
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Right? Look at her.

122
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How do you wake up so pretty?

123
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I know.

124
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- It's truly amazing.
- Mm-hmm.

125
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What's happening?

126
00:06:27,526 --> 00:06:29,555
Okay, here's the dealio...

127
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You gotta leave.

128
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- What?
- Well done.

129
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So gentle.

130
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- It's true.
- What?!

131
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,468
- Just...
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no.

132
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No, the keeper of the
goddamn throuple flame

133
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is the one that has to go?

134
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Shit.

135
00:06:47,030 --> 00:06:49,051
Shit. Baby doc appointment.

136
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I completely spaced that.

137
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- 30 minutes.
- We gotta go.

138
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We can drop her off on the way.

139
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Okay, one more third-person reference,

140
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and I'm gonna fucking snap.

141
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Hey.

142
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You do understand the
fundamental principle

143
00:07:00,995 --> 00:07:02,272
of why I needed to get back here

144
00:07:02,273 --> 00:07:04,078
before Hal and Rita landed, right?

145
00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:05,592
Izzy, I'm sorry...

146
00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:08,653
but there's no version
of "normal suburban life"

147
00:07:08,655 --> 00:07:09,856
that includes you.

148
00:07:09,903 --> 00:07:12,173
Hal and Rita already think the
only reason we don't have a kid

149
00:07:12,174 --> 00:07:14,977
is that we're too weird and
we don't want one badly enough.

150
00:07:19,578 --> 00:07:23,316
Okay, so what does happen to me

151
00:07:23,604 --> 00:07:24,871
if you're pregnant?

152
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Is that where I get off?

153
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Because "there's no version
of normal suburban life

154
00:07:31,104 --> 00:07:32,627
that includes me"?

155
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:33,947
- No.
- No.

156
00:07:33,949 --> 00:07:36,885
A baby doesn't change the three of us.

157
00:07:37,196 --> 00:07:38,837
Oh, do you promise that?

158
00:07:40,077 --> 00:07:41,812
Yeah. Promise.

159
00:07:41,951 --> 00:07:43,861
Izzy, we love you.

160
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And our baby would love you, too.

161
00:07:47,337 --> 00:07:50,099
Jack and Emma's baby in
Jack and Emma's house?

162
00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:53,509
It's fine.

163
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,209
I'll stay at Nina's for a few nights.

164
00:07:56,210 --> 00:07:58,039
Right, it'll just be a few nights, so...

165
00:07:58,041 --> 00:08:00,652
Yeah. And then we'll come and
get you, and we'll bring you home.

166
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:01,722
Okay.

167
00:08:06,851 --> 00:08:09,361
I think that went relatively well.

168
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:11,411
I don't.

169
00:08:20,306 --> 00:08:22,441
So, that's... that's it?

170
00:08:23,322 --> 00:08:26,177
But we had so much sex.

171
00:08:26,178 --> 00:08:28,131
I'm very sorry.

172
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,535
But, no, Emma, that's not "it."

173
00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:33,714
Fertility medication is
just one path to conception.

174
00:08:35,254 --> 00:08:36,772
Okay, so what would be next?

175
00:08:37,523 --> 00:08:39,119
Well, based on what we know,

176
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my professional recommendation
would be surrogacy.

177
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,819
So it would still be our baby,

178
00:08:45,821 --> 00:08:47,798
but just in somebody else's womb?

179
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,405
A carefully screened
but qualified surrogate

180
00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:52,276
from a reputable agency.

181
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:53,533
All right, well, how do we start?

182
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,741
Well, how about we start
with a conversation?

183
00:08:56,888 --> 00:08:59,475
- Well...
- A private conversation?

184
00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:00,678
I... I'm sorry.

185
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,839
- I didn't mean to jump ahead.
- It's okay. It's okay.

186
00:09:02,841 --> 00:09:04,042
Take your time.

187
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,816
Make sure you're both
on the same page...

188
00:09:05,818 --> 00:09:07,851
bringing a third person
into your relationship

189
00:09:07,853 --> 00:09:08,875
in such an intimate way

190
00:09:08,877 --> 00:09:11,546
can be emotionally
complex and challenging.

191
00:09:11,548 --> 00:09:13,042
You have no idea.

192
00:09:15,366 --> 00:09:18,081
So just barely introduce the Vermouth,

193
00:09:18,083 --> 00:09:20,085
like wave it over the glass.

194
00:09:20,099 --> 00:09:23,702
Oh, and I'll take some of those
blue cheese olives you got there.

195
00:09:23,703 --> 00:09:24,776
Oh.

196
00:09:24,778 --> 00:09:25,941
Right... Chat later.

197
00:09:25,943 --> 00:09:28,450
- You going camping?
- Yeah, at your place.

198
00:09:28,452 --> 00:09:30,187
I'm the odd chick out again.

199
00:09:30,189 --> 00:09:32,202
I thought Jack was down and out,

200
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:33,907
and Emma was going full
flannel in the Emerald City?

201
00:09:33,908 --> 00:09:35,242
Yeah, Jack's back.

202
00:09:35,244 --> 00:09:38,804
We got all schmaltzy, we
had crazy amazing makeup sex,

203
00:09:38,806 --> 00:09:40,384
but her parents are showing up tonight,

204
00:09:40,386 --> 00:09:43,989
so I'm in a time-out
so they can play normal

205
00:09:43,990 --> 00:09:45,605
for a couple days.

206
00:09:45,839 --> 00:09:47,058
Got it. Okay.

207
00:09:47,059 --> 00:09:48,928
Shot.

208
00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:55,549
God! I miss you...

209
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:58,404
and downtown and binge
drinking... and you.

210
00:09:58,585 --> 00:10:01,724
You'd be welcomed back with
open arms, just say the word.

211
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,576
Starting to worry that
it's not gonna be up to me.

212
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:07,096
Another. Please.

213
00:10:08,438 --> 00:10:09,756
Hit me.

214
00:10:12,548 --> 00:10:13,616
What?!

215
00:10:16,155 --> 00:10:17,222
Talk to me.

216
00:10:17,223 --> 00:10:19,007
Think of me as your bartender.

217
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,291
You are my bartender.

218
00:10:20,292 --> 00:10:22,161
Oh, yeah.

219
00:10:22,294 --> 00:10:24,296
Okay, so what's going on?

220
00:10:24,430 --> 00:10:26,532
They're meeting with their baby doc.

221
00:10:27,778 --> 00:10:29,482
What if they're pregnant?

222
00:10:30,850 --> 00:10:32,395
Well, wouldn't they call you?

223
00:10:32,397 --> 00:10:33,419
Maybe not.

224
00:10:33,421 --> 00:10:35,920
Maybe they're too busy
trying to figure out

225
00:10:35,922 --> 00:10:38,858
how to spring the good
news on her parents.

226
00:10:38,964 --> 00:10:41,958
Okay, let's connect the dots here, Iz.

227
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,398
You were legit bummed about not
being knocked up the other day.

228
00:10:45,887 --> 00:10:48,422
I don't know, man. It's...

229
00:10:49,838 --> 00:10:53,492
That baby would've
belonged to the three of us

230
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,773
because he or she

231
00:10:56,832 --> 00:10:59,026
was conceived when we were all together.

232
00:11:00,066 --> 00:11:03,401
But this baby would be all theirs...

233
00:11:03,402 --> 00:11:06,176
something they started way before me.

234
00:11:07,497 --> 00:11:09,232
Shot.

235
00:11:12,812 --> 00:11:14,225
Give me that!

236
00:11:16,753 --> 00:11:20,356
Spill it, sista. Let it all out.

237
00:11:21,897 --> 00:11:25,049
It's just, maybe I'm just a...

238
00:11:25,575 --> 00:11:27,111
... kooky blip

239
00:11:27,293 --> 00:11:30,163
they gradually stop talking
about and pretend to forget.

240
00:11:36,809 --> 00:11:38,373
Are you supposed to do that?

241
00:11:38,375 --> 00:11:39,457
Nope!

242
00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:43,197
Okay.

243
00:11:43,576 --> 00:11:45,640
Here's my bartender wisdom...

244
00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:50,514
You need to find out if the
Griswolds are really in it

245
00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:52,484
before you waste any
more of your hot years.

246
00:11:52,486 --> 00:11:53,859
You know what I'm getting real sick of?

247
00:11:53,860 --> 00:11:55,233
Trying harder than the other two

248
00:11:55,235 --> 00:11:57,103
to make this relationship work.

249
00:11:57,105 --> 00:11:59,113
- Sorry, how was that?
- Oh, my God.

250
00:11:59,115 --> 00:12:01,058
What kind of relationship are you in?

251
00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:02,984
It doesn't matter. I got things to do.

252
00:12:02,986 --> 00:12:06,013
Yeah, you do, right after
you fix that dude a martini.

253
00:12:06,015 --> 00:12:07,713
Oh, no hurry... I just come here

254
00:12:07,715 --> 00:12:09,709
to sit in a really
uncomfortable chair and watch

255
00:12:09,964 --> 00:12:11,731
sports on my phone.

256
00:12:14,926 --> 00:12:16,720
So what do I do?

257
00:12:16,722 --> 00:12:18,591
You don't do anything.

258
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:20,065
It's their move.

259
00:12:20,308 --> 00:12:22,079
I hope they have the common decency

260
00:12:22,081 --> 00:12:23,779
to be miserable without me.

261
00:12:23,781 --> 00:12:26,850
♪ You won't even need my name ♪

262
00:12:27,219 --> 00:12:30,422
♪ I'm here for you to bleed me dry ♪

263
00:12:30,424 --> 00:12:34,161
♪ You're gonna make me feel so chic ♪

264
00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:37,509
♪ You're gonna leave me high and dry ♪

265
00:12:37,511 --> 00:12:38,845
Hey.

266
00:12:39,365 --> 00:12:41,232
Thanks for this.

267
00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:42,907
I needed to think of anything

268
00:12:42,909 --> 00:12:45,371
other than my persistent infertility.

269
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:48,843
It's fine. I get it.

270
00:12:50,363 --> 00:12:52,365
Do you think we're making a mistake

271
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:55,304
sending Izzy away every
time she's an inconvenience?

272
00:12:55,306 --> 00:12:58,109
I mean, we already
broke up with her twice.

273
00:12:58,366 --> 00:12:59,642
Yeah, but this is different.

274
00:12:59,644 --> 00:13:01,338
This is a...

275
00:13:01,775 --> 00:13:04,289
- three-day elaborate lie.
- Yeah.

276
00:13:04,437 --> 00:13:05,965
Which, to her, probably means

277
00:13:05,967 --> 00:13:08,369
that we're not sure
this is permanent, right?

278
00:13:09,439 --> 00:13:12,400
Which makes us the dickheads
that she keeps calling us.

279
00:13:12,873 --> 00:13:15,125
- Exactly.
- Okay, so what do we do?

280
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,125
How do we explain her presence here?

281
00:13:18,658 --> 00:13:21,003
Housekeeper? Does she
know how to do accents?

282
00:13:21,005 --> 00:13:23,656
Okay, that's at least moderately racist.

283
00:13:23,658 --> 00:13:25,320
What? No. It's not racist at all.

284
00:13:25,322 --> 00:13:28,558
I didn't specify which accent, so...

285
00:13:29,847 --> 00:13:31,182
Ding, ding, ding.

286
00:13:31,550 --> 00:13:32,911
I have an idea,

287
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,414
a brilliant idea

288
00:13:34,416 --> 00:13:36,416
that not only brings Izzy back

289
00:13:36,488 --> 00:13:39,425
but it makes my parents so
happy that I won't need to take

290
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,799
all the pain killers I've
stored in the freezer.

291
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:44,069
You have painkillers in the freezer?

292
00:13:44,630 --> 00:13:47,326
Um... now that you are
Notorious Orgy Girl,

293
00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:48,906
I'm gonna keep Andy safely locked away

294
00:13:48,908 --> 00:13:50,228
at his place for a couple nights.

295
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,494
Excuse me.

296
00:13:51,496 --> 00:13:53,631
Hey, Michelle.

297
00:13:54,078 --> 00:13:55,736
I wasn't trying to eavesdrop...

298
00:13:55,738 --> 00:13:57,758
I'm not really "Notorious Orgy Girl."

299
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,083
She was just joking.

300
00:13:59,085 --> 00:14:00,420
Don't care.

301
00:14:00,646 --> 00:14:02,643
So, when you said the name Andy,

302
00:14:02,645 --> 00:14:04,248
were you referring to Andy Cutler?

303
00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:06,119
I've seen you guys together, right?

304
00:14:06,697 --> 00:14:08,049
Yeah. So?

305
00:14:08,387 --> 00:14:11,589
Let me guess... things are
getting real serious real fast

306
00:14:11,590 --> 00:14:13,891
even though he just got
out of something else?

307
00:14:14,213 --> 00:14:15,949
Oh, well, maybe.

308
00:14:15,951 --> 00:14:18,086
Yeah, well, that's his thing.

309
00:14:18,088 --> 00:14:19,290
He's a love junkie.

310
00:14:19,962 --> 00:14:21,434
You know, the chase, the courtship,

311
00:14:21,436 --> 00:14:24,106
the dizzy, buzzy, fuzzy,
can't-get-enough stuff.

312
00:14:24,270 --> 00:14:27,205
Oh, my God. What, that's his shit?

313
00:14:27,206 --> 00:14:28,540
That's his shit.

314
00:14:28,674 --> 00:14:31,864
Dude's a serial monogamist,
doesn't break between steadies.

315
00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:35,298
It's firsthand Intel, woman to woman.

316
00:14:39,195 --> 00:14:42,538
Neen, Neen... that's
just her side of it.

317
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:44,484
Yeah, except it fits
like a fucking glove.

318
00:14:45,491 --> 00:14:47,196
What? What's that?

319
00:14:47,198 --> 00:14:48,272
It's nothing.

320
00:14:48,274 --> 00:14:49,736
- No.
- Stop.

321
00:14:50,538 --> 00:14:51,699
"Come home"?

322
00:14:51,701 --> 00:14:53,124
Fuck them.

323
00:14:53,258 --> 00:14:55,928
Okay, fuck them, fuck
Andy, fuck everyone.

324
00:14:55,930 --> 00:14:57,399
Let's just dump everybody

325
00:14:57,401 --> 00:15:00,337
and... and go back to
being you and me, okay?

326
00:15:00,339 --> 00:15:02,366
- "Izni."
- Izni?

327
00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:05,305
We have a couples name?
That's so dumb. I love it!

328
00:15:05,307 --> 00:15:07,175
I gotta get another tattoo.

329
00:15:07,177 --> 00:15:09,358
What do you mean another tattoo?

330
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:13,361
Might as well just get this over with.

331
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:18,921
I think you misspelled.

332
00:15:18,923 --> 00:15:21,513
No, it's not "edgy." It's E-J-I.

333
00:15:21,515 --> 00:15:23,912
Like Emma-Jack-Izzy?

334
00:15:23,914 --> 00:15:25,874
- My God.
- I know. It's so big.

335
00:15:25,876 --> 00:15:28,604
- It's so dumb.
- We were... we were really drunk.

336
00:15:29,216 --> 00:15:30,377
It's bad.

337
00:15:31,662 --> 00:15:33,326
So what should I do?

338
00:15:34,606 --> 00:15:36,573
Well, I think the answer's
right there on your ass.

339
00:15:36,574 --> 00:15:38,147
They made the move.

340
00:15:38,149 --> 00:15:39,731
Go home, dummy.

341
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,480
Are you sure?

342
00:15:42,481 --> 00:15:44,191
Yeah.

343
00:15:45,485 --> 00:15:47,086
Okay.

344
00:15:47,512 --> 00:15:49,713
I'm being a total narcissistic douche

345
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:52,623
for leaving you after that chick just...

346
00:15:52,624 --> 00:15:55,248
- I'm gonna stay 'cause...
- No. Go.

347
00:15:55,574 --> 00:15:56,908
Go.

348
00:15:57,171 --> 00:15:58,282
Seriously.

349
00:15:58,284 --> 00:15:59,486
I love you.

350
00:15:59,488 --> 00:16:01,356
I love you, too.

351
00:16:10,292 --> 00:16:11,900
"Serial monogamist."

352
00:16:11,902 --> 00:16:14,357
Ouch, right?!

353
00:16:23,055 --> 00:16:26,124
Got milk, so Lucky Charms are a safe

354
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:29,862
but dependably fulfilling option.

355
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:37,023
Treasure found.

356
00:16:37,571 --> 00:16:39,706
Hot Pockets.

357
00:16:41,964 --> 00:16:43,966
Which ice cream pairs best?

358
00:16:43,968 --> 00:16:46,103
Salted Caramel.

359
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,573
Duh.

360
00:16:56,027 --> 00:16:58,023
♪ It's a ♪

361
00:16:58,290 --> 00:17:02,772
♪ Hot Pocket, nuke it and see ♪

362
00:17:06,513 --> 00:17:07,981
Wow!

363
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,765
That...

364
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:12,569
That was... quite a performance.

365
00:17:15,107 --> 00:17:17,108
I thought that you were...

366
00:17:17,109 --> 00:17:18,305
Shh.

367
00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:19,546
Okay.

368
00:17:19,548 --> 00:17:21,438
You're obviously stoned.

369
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,182
So who made this
moment possible for you?

370
00:17:24,183 --> 00:17:25,384
Hmm?

371
00:17:25,759 --> 00:17:29,522
You don't have a car. You
haven't left the house.

372
00:17:29,806 --> 00:17:32,842
And... be advised

373
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:35,127
if I catch you lying to me,

374
00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:37,452
you will never set butt cheek

375
00:17:37,454 --> 00:17:39,624
in that lovely car of yours again.

376
00:17:41,548 --> 00:17:42,634
Oh.

377
00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,923
Did I mention I've found
you a ride to school

378
00:17:44,925 --> 00:17:47,272
so I'm no longer punishing myself?

379
00:17:47,273 --> 00:17:49,484
Missy Carrington.

380
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,080
Missy Carrington?

381
00:17:52,082 --> 00:17:53,283
Mm-hmm.

382
00:17:53,316 --> 00:17:55,536
She smells like asparagus pee.

383
00:17:55,538 --> 00:17:57,552
Hold your breath. It's
only three semesters.

384
00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:00,251
It was Izzy. Izzy gave it to me.

385
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:08,466
I'm definitely getting
my face eaten off.

386
00:18:18,149 --> 00:18:20,858
Wow, Janis, this place is far out.

387
00:18:20,860 --> 00:18:22,062
So to speak.

388
00:18:22,064 --> 00:18:24,756
Hashtag blessed that you finally came.

389
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,312
The mosquitos don't bother you out here?

390
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:32,918
- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

391
00:18:35,552 --> 00:18:38,791
Oh.

392
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:51,203
I'm a little scared right now.

393
00:18:56,083 --> 00:18:59,235
We could run. I want to run.

394
00:19:01,347 --> 00:19:03,608
Get it... you're our surrogate,

395
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:06,179
all filled up with my
eggs and Jack's sperm.

396
00:19:06,181 --> 00:19:08,316
- It's brilliant.
- Right?

397
00:19:08,318 --> 00:19:10,246
And the very concept of grandchildren

398
00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:12,556
will surge so many endorphins

399
00:19:12,558 --> 00:19:14,100
to their sixty-something frontal lobes,

400
00:19:14,102 --> 00:19:15,690
they'll basically be
stoned the whole time.

401
00:19:15,691 --> 00:19:16,691
Mm-hmm.

402
00:19:16,734 --> 00:19:19,630
They'll forget all
about Mexicans and gays

403
00:19:19,632 --> 00:19:23,303
and the government's imminent
seizure of their guns.

404
00:19:23,608 --> 00:19:25,577
Iz? Izzy?

405
00:19:26,676 --> 00:19:27,964
Don't you like the plan?

406
00:19:28,349 --> 00:19:29,551
I have a question.

407
00:19:30,309 --> 00:19:31,643
As your surrogate,

408
00:19:31,644 --> 00:19:33,512
why would I be living
in your guest room?

409
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:35,652
I'm pretty sure that
that's not the uzhe.

410
00:19:35,654 --> 00:19:37,248
Because you're uneducated and poor.

411
00:19:37,249 --> 00:19:38,833
Right! That's the
brilliance of the plan.

412
00:19:38,834 --> 00:19:40,584
Ohhhh, right.

413
00:19:40,586 --> 00:19:43,388
Okay, so I'm your
white-trash baby vessel.

414
00:19:43,389 --> 00:19:44,456
Loving it.

415
00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:46,325
So when you're done with my womb,

416
00:19:46,327 --> 00:19:48,922
do I just move back
into my trailer or... ?

417
00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:50,727
Okay, I hear you
saying you're loving it,

418
00:19:50,729 --> 00:19:52,244
but I don't feel you loving it.

419
00:19:52,246 --> 00:19:53,422
It's just make-believe.

420
00:19:53,424 --> 00:19:54,821
We came up with a way you could stay.

421
00:19:54,822 --> 00:19:56,263
I mean, what's... what's the problem?

422
00:19:56,265 --> 00:19:58,016
I guess when I read "Come home!,"

423
00:19:58,018 --> 00:20:00,041
I had this naively idealistic notion

424
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,884
that we were gonna bravely
live our truth together.

425
00:20:02,886 --> 00:20:04,669
What? With... with my parents?

426
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,877
With Hal and Rita? Yeah, no.

427
00:20:06,879 --> 00:20:09,414
Yeah, you haven't met them yet.
This is not a time for truth.

428
00:20:09,415 --> 00:20:11,201
So we're just gonna lie to them forever?

429
00:20:11,203 --> 00:20:13,493
Of course not. They'll die some day.

430
00:20:13,494 --> 00:20:15,494
- Yeah.
- Rita and Hal are not immortal.

431
00:20:16,699 --> 00:20:18,034
Oh, man.

432
00:20:18,624 --> 00:20:21,193
Do I seriously have to
act stupid this whole time?

433
00:20:21,195 --> 00:20:22,772
- Yes.
- Yes.

434
00:20:22,774 --> 00:20:24,643
So fucked up.

435
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,076
Hey.

436
00:20:27,122 --> 00:20:29,124
Is Izzy around?

437
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:33,674
It's no biggie, just not
being an asshole or anything.

438
00:20:40,582 --> 00:20:41,913
So, Janis...

439
00:20:42,114 --> 00:20:43,962
why did I have the idea that
you two have been together

440
00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:45,030
for like 15 years?

441
00:20:45,032 --> 00:20:46,935
Caleb here would've been a toddler.

442
00:20:46,937 --> 00:20:49,740
In a way, we've been together forever,

443
00:20:49,742 --> 00:20:51,952
since before time.

444
00:20:53,860 --> 00:20:55,982
And what about in the other way?

445
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:58,011
Roughly three weeks.

446
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,299
Wow.

447
00:21:00,495 --> 00:21:02,552
'Cause I feel like you've been talking

448
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:03,750
about having a, uh...

449
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:05,337
a "lover"... is that right?

450
00:21:05,338 --> 00:21:07,073
since we started working together.

451
00:21:07,311 --> 00:21:09,135
Well, the names may change,

452
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,629
but what they mean to me does not.

453
00:21:12,203 --> 00:21:13,346
Huh.

454
00:21:13,671 --> 00:21:15,214
So why do you think you're here?

455
00:21:15,485 --> 00:21:17,757
After all this time
deflecting my invitations?

456
00:21:17,759 --> 00:21:19,544
- Oh, no, it's not that.
- Oh, no deflecting.

457
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:20,568
No, we just, you know...

458
00:21:20,569 --> 00:21:22,806
- we have very nutty...
- Busy lives.

459
00:21:22,808 --> 00:21:23,901
I mean, we have kids, right?

460
00:21:23,902 --> 00:21:25,890
- So it's constantly...
- Viruses and flus and...

461
00:21:25,892 --> 00:21:27,528
Abrasions and cuts.

462
00:21:27,530 --> 00:21:28,998
You're on a quest.

463
00:21:29,494 --> 00:21:31,896
You're looking for something, yes?

464
00:21:31,898 --> 00:21:32,964
Yes.

465
00:21:32,965 --> 00:21:35,100
Yes!

466
00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:37,022
I asked them, Caleb.

467
00:21:38,594 --> 00:21:41,970
Well, you know, I... I think we
have been looking for something.

468
00:21:42,842 --> 00:21:44,175
Something we lost.

469
00:21:44,176 --> 00:21:46,044
Somewhere along the line, we...

470
00:21:46,045 --> 00:21:47,735
we became...

471
00:21:48,456 --> 00:21:49,558
uncool.

472
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:50,756
Ah!

473
00:21:51,175 --> 00:21:52,497
I see that.

474
00:21:52,718 --> 00:21:54,081
Yes.

475
00:21:55,292 --> 00:21:57,815
Not long ago, I had another lover.

476
00:21:57,817 --> 00:22:00,908
She was a mustang, wild and wise.

477
00:22:01,794 --> 00:22:02,808
I miss her.

478
00:22:02,810 --> 00:22:05,056
But she wasn't literally a horse, right?

479
00:22:05,058 --> 00:22:06,523
Like, please tell me she wasn't.

480
00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:08,867
Can I ask you what is in
this? Because it is fantastic.

481
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:09,935
I'm... I'm like...

482
00:22:09,936 --> 00:22:11,691
It is literally putting
me in a better mood.

483
00:22:11,693 --> 00:22:12,886
Is that possible?

484
00:22:13,139 --> 00:22:16,742
It's a rare Indian dish called beh!

485
00:22:17,151 --> 00:22:19,067
It's tofu, white beans,

486
00:22:19,068 --> 00:22:21,941
onion, ginger, coriander, turmeric,

487
00:22:21,943 --> 00:22:24,353
'shrooms, and a dash of Ayahuasca.

488
00:22:28,968 --> 00:22:30,036
Excuse me?

489
00:22:30,488 --> 00:22:31,823
What was that?

490
00:22:32,019 --> 00:22:33,363
Oh, it's a rare Indian dish...

491
00:22:33,364 --> 00:22:34,648
No, no, no, you don't
have to yell again.

492
00:22:34,649 --> 00:22:36,227
I just want to hear the
last two ingredients.

493
00:22:36,228 --> 00:22:38,898
'Shrooms and Ayahuasca.

494
00:22:43,836 --> 00:22:45,303
Put the spoon in the bowl.

495
00:22:45,304 --> 00:22:48,908
Put the spoon in the bowl.

496
00:22:50,947 --> 00:22:51,947
You what?

497
00:22:52,017 --> 00:22:54,449
I... I would just like
to point out once again,

498
00:22:54,451 --> 00:22:57,182
that I'm not being an asshole.

499
00:22:57,183 --> 00:22:58,917
Everyone makes mistakes.

500
00:22:58,918 --> 00:23:00,118
For example,

501
00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:03,613
sometimes your neighbors
invite a young woman

502
00:23:03,615 --> 00:23:06,656
into their relationship who then goes on

503
00:23:06,658 --> 00:23:09,138
to teach your teenage
daughter to do drugs.

504
00:23:09,140 --> 00:23:12,352
Can we not say "drugs" like
I was tapping her veins?

505
00:23:12,354 --> 00:23:15,611
I gave her a little weed
after she begged and pleaded

506
00:23:15,613 --> 00:23:17,481
and swore she wouldn't tell.

507
00:23:17,766 --> 00:23:19,031
And come the fuck on.

508
00:23:19,033 --> 00:23:21,569
You don't actually believe
this was her first time.

509
00:23:22,907 --> 00:23:24,776
She's found my weed so many times

510
00:23:25,077 --> 00:23:26,348
I've run out of hiding places

511
00:23:26,350 --> 00:23:28,146
that don't require cavity searches.

512
00:23:28,147 --> 00:23:30,229
So you were insinuating that Izzy

513
00:23:30,231 --> 00:23:32,418
introduced Ava to drugs to what?

514
00:23:32,549 --> 00:23:34,284
Make this a bigger fucking deal?

515
00:23:34,286 --> 00:23:36,287
- Mnh-mnh.
- Oh.

516
00:23:36,288 --> 00:23:38,857
If it talks like an asshole
and walks like an asshole...

517
00:23:38,859 --> 00:23:41,643
Did you tell her that,
uh... you and I smoked pot

518
00:23:41,645 --> 00:23:44,161
on that porch two nights ago?

519
00:23:44,163 --> 00:23:46,891
Wha... You big, fat hypocrite!

520
00:23:46,893 --> 00:23:48,227
Okay. We...

521
00:23:48,229 --> 00:23:51,166
Do you remember when you
briefly had credibility?

522
00:23:51,368 --> 00:23:53,103
Do you miss it?

523
00:23:53,105 --> 00:23:54,974
Does it keep in touch?

524
00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:56,845
Hey, Izzy, still,

525
00:23:57,109 --> 00:23:59,377
you did give Lori
Matherfield's daughter pot.

526
00:23:59,378 --> 00:24:01,766
- Uh...
- Will there ever be a time

527
00:24:01,768 --> 00:24:04,717
you don't use my whole name
like extended profanity?

528
00:24:06,419 --> 00:24:07,881
Just for shits and giggles,

529
00:24:07,883 --> 00:24:09,714
maybe one time, you can
make an adult decision?

530
00:24:09,715 --> 00:24:11,360
Oh, you mean like calling an escort

531
00:24:11,362 --> 00:24:13,258
because your sex life's a snore?

532
00:24:13,259 --> 00:24:16,009
Or smoking pot with
your 14-year-old nephew?

533
00:24:16,010 --> 00:24:17,292
Oh, God.

534
00:24:17,293 --> 00:24:19,512
Yeah, and now we're
playing this big ruse

535
00:24:19,514 --> 00:24:21,132
that I'm their white-trash surrogate

536
00:24:21,133 --> 00:24:23,135
so I can stay while her parents visit.

537
00:24:23,338 --> 00:24:25,206
First, she's a hooker,

538
00:24:25,208 --> 00:24:28,407
then she's their niece,
then she's their sugar baby,

539
00:24:28,409 --> 00:24:30,245
and now she's the baby mama?

540
00:24:31,836 --> 00:24:33,506
You guys are fucking loony, man.

541
00:24:34,577 --> 00:24:36,319
Okay, you little shit.

542
00:24:36,485 --> 00:24:38,730
Now you've narced me out
and called me a hooker,

543
00:24:38,732 --> 00:24:40,102
so I'm gonna give you an ass beating

544
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:42,185
your mom should've given
you a long time ago.

545
00:24:42,187 --> 00:24:43,817
Big threats from such a little chick.

546
00:24:43,819 --> 00:24:45,021
- I'm not so little!
- Let's do this thing.

547
00:24:45,022 --> 00:24:46,776
- I'm ready.
- I'm gonna end you.

548
00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:47,907
You want to go?

549
00:24:47,909 --> 00:24:49,770
- Yeah, I'm ready to go.
- You think you're so tough?

550
00:24:52,631 --> 00:24:55,297
I feel so comfortable
with you two already.

551
00:24:55,299 --> 00:24:57,928
Oh, come on, Caleb. That is not okay.

552
00:24:57,930 --> 00:24:59,932
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

553
00:25:00,117 --> 00:25:01,706
Dave go home.

554
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,377
Shh.

555
00:25:05,256 --> 00:25:07,392
Ahhh.

556
00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:09,651
Stop. Stop.

557
00:25:09,653 --> 00:25:10,791
Stop!

558
00:25:12,965 --> 00:25:14,038
I hear something.

559
00:25:15,525 --> 00:25:16,593
Is that...

560
00:25:16,595 --> 00:25:17,796
It's Hal and Rita.

561
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,834
Oh, God.

562
00:25:58,031 --> 00:26:03,031
subtitle by peritta - corrected by chamallow
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