Katie asked me to marry her. - Oh, congratulations!
- Try that on. - Stop fussing! You're not my dad!
- I didn't want him seeing it in this state!
- I've seen better episodes of Grand Designs.
- I was thinking about Ralph's wedding.
Would you like to come?
- Er, well, er... Yeah, that'd be lovely. - Great.
- What am I to Ralph, when all's said and done?
- You're just going to have to grin and bear this, Maurice,
because this is Ralph's wedding!
This programme contains some strong language.
- # Street's like a jungle
# So call the police
# Following the herd
# Down to Greece
- # On holiday
# Love in the '90s
# Is paranoid
# On sunny beaches
# Take your chances
# Looking for girls who are boys
# Who like boys to be girls
# Who do boys like they're girls
# Who do girls like they're boys... #
- OK. - # Always should be someone... #
- Now.
- You all right, Joe?
- Now I walk. - Really?
OK.
Hello, Maurice.
- Wee or walk?
- Walk.
- # Girls who are boys Who like boys to be girls
# Who do boys like they're girls Who do girls like they're boys
# Always should be someone you really love... #
- CAR HONKS
- All right, all right! - Oy! Oy!
- You're not in Spain!
- # Girls who are boys Who like boys to be girls
# Who do boys like they're girls Who do girls like they're boys... #
- Have you any idea who that pick-up truck belongs to parked outside?
- Yes, I have, as it goes.
- He nearly killed me,
Paul and Joe. Sounding his horn like Bertie Big Bollocks.
I bet he's from Lancaster, flash so-and-so.
- He's from Kirkby Lonsdale. Not Lancaster. - What?
- We've got a visitor.
This is Doug.
He's Ralph's Dad.
- Sorry about the car horn, mucker.
Builder's manners, I'm afraid, and I was worried you hadn't heard me.
- When was all this arranged?
- It wasn't. - I was a bag of nerves, to be honest -
coming here, after all this time.
I never expected I would, and then I got your letter...
- I wrote to Doug to tell him that Ralph was getting married
because I thought he had a right to know.
It wasn't an invitation to just drop in.
- Well, as I'm here, I'd like to see Ralph,
to congratulate him and maybe meet his fiancee.
And then I'll bugger off.
- He's not marrying into money, if that's why you came.
- Louise...
- I'd like him to know I care about him.
- If you cared about him, you would have rung first!
- Ralph doesn't know you're coming? - Exactly! So you toddle off, Doug,
and we'll arrange this properly.
- Well, I'm here now, aren't I?
- You can't just...
He's not seen you for ten years!
This is the day before his wedding, for God's sake!
- Hi, Mum. - Hiya!
Hello, son.
Argh!
That's... That's a handshake and a half!
What you thinking about United, eh?
Or don't we want to go there? And you must be Katie.
Pleased to meet you.
- Are you happy now? The lad's in shock.
I'm sorry, Ralph, I had no idea he was going to show up like this.
- Bit of a surprise, eh? - OK, right, that's enough, Doug.
- I only wanted to say hello to the lad.
- I said that's enough! Not like this.
No, it's not going to happen like this.
You go away.
I will talk to Ralph.
And if he wants to see you, I will call you.
- Is that all right with you, Ralph?
- I could come back at lunchtime.
I'll bring sandwiches! - I'll call you either way.
- I'll see you later, I hope, son.
- DOOR SHUTS
I promise you, I had no idea.
I'm sorry. - OK.
- And whatever you want to do, I will back you.
If you want to see him now, or after the wedding,
then that's fine with me.
Or...he doesn't need to come back at all.
It's entirely up to you.
- He's here now.
- OK.
- He's not exactly what I expected.
- Which was what?
- Well, in my head, he was always an ageing sociology teacher with
a pot belly and erectile dysfunction.
- What is he like? - He's about your height.
But he looks like he's looked after himself -
might even be on nodding terms with a bench press.
- It's nice to see that you're capable of the sensitive response
this complex situation requires, Grandad.
- Sensitive response?
More like two silverbacks throwing shit at each other.
- Ralph's made it very clear that I'm not his dad.
He's already dropped me for the Cup Final,
and now I might end up getting a free transfer.
- You all right, Champion?
You moving out?
- I'm ready.
PHONE CHIMES
- I've told you already, mate.
I can't take you today.
- I know.
I'm ready.
- I've got the food to sort out for the wedding tomorrow,
got Ralph's drinks later, Rebecca's doing up the village hall.
- I know.
- I'll take you some other time, OK?
Farm park.
- Ah.
- Sorry, Joe. I've got to be somewhere.
- You're going to have to come with me to The Fellside, Joe.
You can be a waiter if you like -
that way you still get to feed some animals!
- SHE LAUGHS
What animals?
- Never mind.
- # She doesn't know why she's feeling sad
# She'll never get what she's never had
# She wants to leave home But she can't get away
# Always on her own every single day Cos she's a... #
- Hey, listen, I've got some good news.
You know your mate, Bill?
He's coming to the wedding.
Hey?
- And Ramesh.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, if you like.
Yeah, Bill and Ramesh, always together.
So, cos, you know, Bill's coming,
his mum's going to come, too - Sarah.
You like Bill's mum, Sarah, don't you? She's nice, isn't she?
She's kind and...and funny... - HE CHUCKLES
- Er... - Big eyes.
- Yeah.
Has she? Yeah, I suppose she does have big eyes.
Yeah.
Great. Good.
OK...
To business.
- What do you do for a living, Katie?
- I work at a bakery.
- Oh, not just a pretty face
that attracted you, then, Ralph? Free doughnuts for life.
- Sorry I'm late.
- What do you do?
- I'm a builder.
- What do you build?
- Well, I just built my own house.
Well, it's nothing, really.
It... It's, er... It's only Lego for grown-ups.
I know that makes me sound like a bit of a big head, but, erm...
Well, you know what it's like, Ralph,
you know, building something from scratch.
Like you and your brewery in the, er, in the shed there.
- Well, you know, not quite from scratch.
I give him a lift with the equipment.
But, er, he's done well.
- Right.
I wouldn't mind a tour after this, if you fancy.
- Goats, cows, chickens.
Goats,
cows,
chickens.
Goats, cows...
- Joe. - ..chickens. - Joe...
Right, erm, the cake plates, they're still in the dishwasher.
The dinner plates are by the door.
Tom, wine can go now if you can.
Er, Joe? Joe, Joe, you can leave that now. - ..cows...
- Hey?
- ..chickens.
- It's not the farm park still?
- He'll get over it. Erm...
Right.
Sarah! Hey! It's, erm, Sarah!
- Hi, there.
I know you're busy.
But, erm, I was just passing by and I thought I'd ask about dress
code, er, for Ralph's wedding.
- Yeah, well, it says come as you are, on the invite.
- I don't know what that is.
- I can take him.
- Huh?
- I can take Joe to the farm park when I'm finished here.
- Joe wants to go to the farm park.
That's, er, very kind of you,
but you can't be taking Joe out in your free time.
- I don't mind.
I love the farm park.
- Well, that's... That's... That's a lovely offer.
Thank you.
Let me... Let me think about it.
- What a nice young man.
- What? - You should let him take him.
Shouldn't he, Sarah? - Oh, well...
- No, no, no, no, I mean, he's... I like Mark,
but trusting Joe with Mark...
- Joe will be Mark's age one day.
- And? - And when Joe's Mark's age,
wouldn't you want someone to trust him?
- I think Rebecca has a point. - Really?
- Great!
Now we've all confirmed our liberal credentials, can
we get back to sprinkling some stardust on the village hall?
- Text us some photos of the animals if you do go, Mark.
- Goat, cow...
- You didn't mean all that, did you, about Rebecca having a point?
I mean, would you let Mark take Bill on a day out?
- Well, maybe not a year ago.
But, erm, well,
let's just say I'm getting a bit more relaxed these days.
Mark seems very responsible,
and all turtles need to cross the beach to the sea one day.
- Wow! This is something!
- Don't touch anything.
- No. No. Course, yeah.
Well...
..thank you for letting me see this.
- It's all right.
- Look, I-I, er, I might not get another chance to say this, so...
..I'm sorry.
- What for?
- You know, like...
I-I'm sorry it didn't work out between me and your mum.
I mean, these things happen,
but I should never have left you to handle it on your lonesome.
I thought it'd be easier if I left, but...
..I should have stayed in touch.
- Yeah. You should.
WHISPERS: - Go on. Ask him!
- Joe...
You know how you really want to go to the farm park?
- Goats. Cows. Chickens. - Exactly.
Well, Mark, over there...
..has got a free afternoon,
and he said that he'd really like to take you.
And if that's OK with you...
..then that's OK with me.
- That's OK with me.
- Oh, great.
That's great, then. That's settled.
Hey...
Great.
- A good decision, well made.
Just chill, as Bill would say after a day with his dad's new partner.
- SHE LAUGHS
- Yeah, no, you're right.
Sorry, I wasn't much help with the dress code. - What?
- You came to see me about the dress code.
- Hmm. So that was just an alibi.
I wanted to give you a chance to un-invite me.
- Why would I do that?
- So you definitely want me to come?
- Mark, why don't you and Joe make a list of all the things
you're going to do at the farm park?
- Like an itinerary? - Yep, just like that.
Erm...
If you'd like to come, then, yes, I would like that very much.
- Right. I-I promise I won't get drunk and disgrace myself.
- Really?
- WHISPERS: - I'd be disappointed if you don't.
- Right.
Well, till tomorrow!
That's an awkward wave.
And exit.
Can we... Can we just forget that that bit ever happened? - Yep.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for that.
It went all right, I think.
Do you think?
- It was fine. Yes. - Look, I don't want to be pushy, but I could
stick around if you like,
even come to the wedding, if Ralph wanted me there.
- This is the most important week of his life.
Don't you think you've put him through enough?
No more surprise appearances.
- OK.
Fair enough.
You know...you're probably right.
Nice to meet you, Maurice. - And you.
- I will not let him break that lad's heart a second time.
- Well, I don't exactly want him hanging around either, but...
- Good. Then, we're in agreement.
He's been. He's done his bit. Mea culpa.
Let's keep it that way.
Right, I'm off to get the hall ready and you've got
a stag do to attend.
- Right. Drinks are on the house, lads.
Lager, bitter, IPA, prosecco, a cheeky little Scotch if you like.
- Lager, please. - Right. And what about you, Josh?
- He'll have the same.
- Right. Two lagers. OK.
- Halves.
- Very sensible. Don't want to go mad early on.
Bar snack menu, we have got
nachos, Thai fishcakes,
veggie kebab, beer-battered calamari.
Mwah.
- Nachos. - Nachos for Ralph.
What about the best man?
- The same.
- Right. Two lagers, two nachos coming up.
- How's it going?
- Any quieter, they'd be on the vegan menu.
- I have the plan.
And the destination.
And the bus timetable. - Great.
Now, remember, safety-first hats on.
- We don't have hats.
- Metaphorical...safety-first hats.
- You just have to trust me, Paul.
- No, I do trust you. Which bus are you getting?
- If you trust me, you wouldn't ask that.
- No, I just...just really like buses.
Hm. I like hearing about good bus routes and stops, times,
departures, that kind of thing. - You aren't interested in buses.
- What if you lose your money? - I have emergency money.
- What if you get on the wrong bus? - I won't get on the wrong bus if I lose
my money, because I won't be able to pay for the bus.
So if I lose my money, we will walk home.
- OK. OK. OK. I just... I know. I know.
I know.
Have a great time.
Go. Go. Go.
Go on, before you...miss the bus.
- We won't miss the bus.
- Wait! Wait!
Packed lunches. See?
You forgot them.
- I didn't.
You forgot to give them to us.
- Joe.
Mark, my number's in your phone.
- Who's the brains of the operation? Winnie-the-Pooh or Piglet?
- Oh, that were quick.
Oh.
- Maurice. - Doug.
- I WAS invited, in case you were wondering.
Ralph messaged me. Didn't you, Ralph? - Yeah.
- Right.
- Goats first, then pigs.
Crisps.
Donkeys.
- Ice lolly.
- Goats.
Crisps. Pigs.
Ice lolly.
Donkeys. Drink.
Chickens.
- How's your best-man speech coming on, then, Josh?
- He wants you to read it out.
- Me? Really?
Thanks.
I'll do a good job.
- Josh doesn't say much.
- Oh, right, I see.
- Strong and silent.
- Do you remember when you went through that non-talking phase?
- No.
- He hadn't talked for three weeks, Maurice,
and his mum said on a Friday, if he didn't start talking again,
she'd take him back to the speech therapist
first thing Monday morning.
- Why weren't you talking? - He held out till Sunday night
and then he started again. I mean, proper full sentences...
- You didn't. - I did.
- He only wanted Cup Final tickets
and he thought if he held out I'd get them him.
His mum was having none of it, though.
She won that one, didn't she, Ralph? Power played you, son.
- She did. - Still got to the Cup Final though, didn't we, eh?
- 3-0, Millwall.
- Ronaldo and van Nistelrooy.
O-ho! Happy Days.
Happy days!
- Have you heard anything?
- No.
- Well, that's good, innit? It means they're having a good time.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that'll be it.
- CHANTING: Boom, boom, boom! Let me hear you say Keano!
- Keano!
- THEY LAUGH
- What?
- Nothing, I'm just hoping for a photo from Mark at the Farm Park.
- Right.
Cos a snap of Mark's thumb and half a pig is really important
compared with turning this place into a theatre of love.
- Flowers.
- Delivered, arranging in the morning.
- Crockery. - Present and correct.
- What's that say? Trousers? What?
- Trousers? Trousers!
What time is it?
Oh, can you hold the fort?
Ralph's trousers are being altered. I forgot.
I need to get there before they close.
- Get me good side, Josh.
- Very nice. - Ah, great.
You can send me a copy if you like, mate.
- Um, sorry to interrupt your stag do, Ralph,
but, um, I need to pick up your suit trousers
and I need you with me to try them on. - What, right now?
- Yes! The shop closes in half an hour.
I'm sorry.
You don't have to come if you don't want to, Josh.
Fair enough.
- See you.
- Yeah, see you, son.
All the best for tomorrow.
Have a great day, yeah?
And um, see you soon...
Fancy a coffee?
- Yeah, why not?
Paul! When you've finished checking your phone,
can we have two coffees here, please?
- Richard! Two coffees, table six, just nipping out.
- Sorry I put you in the doghouse with Louise.
- You didn't. She's just protective of Ralph,
and I can't say I blame her.
You seem all right for a builder,
she's just frightened you'll disappear again. Like last time.
- Like last time?
That's what she told you happened, is it?
- She's always said that, in the end,
you couldn't cope with Ralph having Down's syndrome
once he became a teenager.
Why? Are you saying something different?
- No.
No, that's sort of true.
But I... I think I just... I...
..couldn't really cope with being cut out.
I was... I was disappointed that my lad was how he was.
I won't deny that. Frustrated.
And Louise saw that in me and that became all she ever saw.
She clung to Ralph...
..and suddenly I was on the outside. I mean, you... You must know
what she's like when she circles
the emotional wagons.
The tighter she and Ralph got,
the more I resented being on the outside,
which made her close down even more.
I mean, it didn't give me anywhere else to go, mate.
- But you did go.
You went and you never looked back.
- I just felt like
once me and Louise had decided I should leave,
it...it would only confuse Ralph if I kept turning up.
You know, give him hope that we were going to get back together.
I promise you, I thought it made it easier for him - and Louise.
I realise now it just made it easier for me.
And I want to put that right.
I really do.
- Hiya, Mark. It's Paul.
Another message, I know.
Um, just give me a call as soon as you get this, OK?
OK.
Hi, Rebecca, um...
Yeah, just let me know as soon you hear anything.
Yeah, I know, I know. I know you will. All right. OK, bye-bye.
Sarah?
- Ah, Paul, hi.
Um, have you heard from them?
- Um, no.
What are you doing here?
- Well, I just wanted to check they got here safely.
What about you?
- The same.
What happened to the spirit of freedom
and turtles on the beach?
- I was just saying that to stop you worrying.
Most turtles get eaten by gulls.
- Great. Hopefully that's not going to happen.
- No, um...
- They're obviously lost.
The woman at the entrance said that they haven't been in.
- I know, I asked her. Do you trust her?
Cos I... I was speaking to her for a good ten minutes and I swear she wasn't listening.
- Well, she's hardly likely to forget Mark and Joe, is she?
- PHONE VIBRATES
- Can you wait here, see if they turn up?
I'm going to re-trace their route. - Of course, of course.
What was I thinking, telling you to relax?
I was just trying to impress you,
come over all laid back and adventurous
like Davina McCall or something...
- Huh?
- I overdid the Rescue Remedy before I came to see you.
I shouldn't really be driving, if the truth be told.
I'm so sorry.
I will stay here and will keep watch.
- I'm sure it'll be fine, but thank you!
- Oh! I have binoculars in the car.
- Great stuff. - And a flare.
- Let me try and phone first, yeah?
- Ha! Good idea.
- PHONE VIBRATES
I used to like circle bread.
- Circle bread?
- Circle bread was what I called it,
when I didn't know bagel.
But that was in the past,
not the future.
- Pizza is a circle.
- It is.
But not circle bread.
- Do you know any songs?
- Yes.
Definitely.
Several.
DOOR CLOSES
Hiya. - Is Ralph in?
- He's in the shed if you want to talk to him.
- No. It'll wait.
Just Doug wanted to wish him all the best for tomorrow.
- Did he?
Good.
Hopefully he won't be back.
- I think he will be back.
I think he means it about
wanting to be involved in Ralph's life again.
- And you discussed this over your calamari, did you?
You've fallen for him - hook, line and sinker. - No, I'm just saying...
- He doesn't get to just pick and choose
when he's involved with Ralph!
- Well, he didn't exactly get to pick and choose last time, did he?
- What?
What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
- What's he told you?
- His side, that's all. - His side?
And what's that? - He just told me why he left,
and it doesn't excuse what he did,
but he wanted to explain how he felt at the time.
- And how many pints had he bought you at this stage?
- Outside of things, he said something about wagons.
I can't remember. It sounded better when he said it.
- Wagons?
- The gist of it was that you and Ralph were tight.
I'm just telling you his side.
- He doesn't get to have a side.
- Clearly not.
- The last time I looked, you were upset
because Ralph had reminded you you're not his dad.
Now you're cosying up to the dad
who walked out on him!
- I'm just telling you what he said, that's all.
- He's played you.
That's what he does.
And you fell for it.
- Doug's gone. You've got what you wanted.
I'm just not sure it's what Ralph wanted.
What did you go for?
- Four Bitter and four IPA.
- What about a box of novelty stout just for the dads?
- Help yourself.
- I don't know what you heard from the house,
just a bit of a misunderstanding.
- About Doug?
- About Doug, yeah.
- I liked him. I'm sorry.
- I liked him too, mate.
And he's your dad.
- Yeah, I know that.
- MARK: I can't swim.
Can you swim?
- I don't know.
- But I'm strong.
I have to be in life.
- You are a giant.
- In the army - that I didn't get into,
although it is in the past and forgotten about -
you have to carry weights
and walk for yards and yards and yards.
- And yards and yards.
- It was to see if you were strong enough to get in the army.
- Did we have crisps?
- But when you don't get in, it's called a setback
and your mum tells you to bounce back.
And then you get over it and it's in the past
and not the present or the future and...
Paul?
- Yeah?
- I know you're there.
I don't think it's appropriate to be in the hall.
It's not good manners.
- Sorry.
You just both seemed to be getting on so well.
How were the animals? - We didn't see the animals.
The buses stopped us. - The buses?
- When the first bus came, it wasn't the bus that the timetable said.
- Oh, it was the wrong bus? - The bus number was the same
but it came at the time that it didn't say on the timetable,
so we didn't get on it.
- Right.
- We didn't mean to eat our sandwiches, did we?
- That's Joe's way of saying we ate our sandwiches.
- So the next bus didn't come?
- No, because it had come before.
- So it was the right bus? - Yes.
For somebody it was the right bus.
- I tell you what, lads, I'm going to leave you to it.
We'll be outside if you need us.
- We'll be inside if you need us.
- At what stage did you think you were going to go and check up on them?
- The moment they left.
First lesson of parenting -
give your kids the freedom they need
and worry yourself to death.
- Is that what it's like? - Ah, all the time.
Are you ready for that?
- I'm hoping for a bit of joy.
You always talk about the worry, you never talk much about the joy.
- Don't I?
Well, I should.
And I'll start. Sorry.
There is joy.
First 11 years, in your case.
- I know it's not ideal, but...
..I didn't come from an ideal family, did I?
We managed, didn't we?
- Yeah. We did.
- And Grandad said he's happy having a baby around
so at least I'll have a roof over my head. - Maurice?
Why? Are you planning to carry on living here?
- To begin with, yeah.
There'll be more room when you and Joe move out.
And my dad said he'll lend me a deposit for a flat.
- Is that what you want?
- Don't have much choice.
- HE SIGHS HEAVILY
ALARM BUZZES
# Have you noticed, I've never been impressed
# By your friends from New York and London?
# I'll level accusations like the press
# Till you realise that you... #
# Because the man's needs
# Man's needs are full of greed Are full of greed... #
When you hand out the flowers, it's one for each man, yeah?
And Ramesh'll be on the other side doing the same thing.
- Look at this for a family of bobby-dazzlers.
- Ah, new suit?
- Yeah, it was overdue.
- Anyone'd think you were making an effort for someone.
- I am! For my wonderful family.
Actually, could you take Joe?
I'll be along in a bit. There's something I need to do.
- Are you going to tell me what? - Hm, no.
- Can you do that? - Is this about Sarah?
- HE SCOFFS
- No. Why would it be about Sarah?
- Go on.
Go on!
- Ralph!
I'm home, but we need to get a move on.
Maurice, are you suited and booted?
- What are you doing here?
- I just asked around for the flash bastard who built his own house.
Not many self-builds in Kirkby Lonsdale.
- No, I mean...
..what are you doing here?
No, I... I'm not sure about this any more.
I can't see how it's going to play out.
- You deserve to be there, and you said you wanted to come.
And Ralph wants you there. - But Louise doesn't!
You turn up with me, she'll have our bollocks hanging off the wedding cake!
- Listen, where you went wrong with Louise is in not realising
that sometimes you just have to get through those defences and not give up.
She didn't want me involved when she had chemo,
but I battered my way through there and just stayed.
She was grateful in the end. - Chemo?
When was she having chemo?
You didn't know she'd had cancer? Did nobody tell you?
- HE GROANS
Are his trousers all right?
I said an inch and a half and I'm sure they've taken two.
- Mum, it's fine.
- They're a perfect fit, Louise.
He looks very handsome indeed.
They both do. - They do.
They do.
- So you can relax and start to enjoy yourself.
- I could, if I had a clue where Captain Chaos was.
- If you could not let on that you know about Louise's cancer
at the wedding, or any time in the near future, ever,
that'd be great. - I'll be the soul of discretion.
- Great, thanks.
It wasn't my place.
Nice suit.
- Italian, tailor-made.
- Of course it fucking is. - What?
- We're going to be late.
Then she really will have our clackerbags for decorations.
- Could you go and find Joe and hand these out?
- I'll tell the guests to be careful with the pins.
We don't want any casualties. - Good thinking.
- I'm so glad to be here, Louise.
It seems like only yesterday that Ralph was the school lollipop man.
- Yes, it does.
Oh, thank you.
- Thank you. Come on.
- Louise, we're really going to have to make a start soon.
- I know. I know, but he says he's really close. - All right.
- Come on, Maurice.
WHISPERS: - Hello. - Hello.
Why are we whispering? - I don't know.
- All right?
You scrub up well.
- I thought I'd crack open the Body Shop gift set
Bill got me for Mother's Day.
- Imperial Leather. - Ooh!
- You all right?
- We're just going to have to do it, OK?
You ready?
- DOOR BANGS
- Sorry, everybody. Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Ready?
- # This thing called love
# I just can't handle it
# This thing called love
# I must get round to it
# I ain't ready
# Crazy little thing called love
- # This thing - This thing
- # Called love - Called love
- # It cries
- # Like a baby in a cradle all night
- # It swings - Ooh-ooh
- # It jives - Ooh-ooh
# It shakes all over like a jellyfish
# I kind of like it
# Crazy little thing called love
# Glory, glory Man United
# And the Reds go marching on, on, on! #
- Are you, Ralph Wilson, free lawfully to marry Katie Jane Thorne?
- I am.
- So far, so good.
Are you, Katie Jane Thorne, free lawfully to marry Ralph Wilson?
- I am.
- Ralph and Katie, if you could face each other now.
And repeat after me, Ralph - I, Ralph Wilson.
- I, Ralph Wilson.
- Take you, Katie Jane Thorne. - Take you, Katie Jane Thorne.
- To be my wedded wife.
- Now you, Katie, repeat after me - I, Katie Jane Thorne.
- I, Katie Jane Thorne.
- Take you, Ralph Wilson.
- To be my wedded husband.
- Now, Ralph, you place the ring on Katie's finger.
- LAUGHTER
- And say out loud the promises you are making to her.
- I promise to help you with everything.
I promise to love you
when it's good and when it's bad.
I promise to be kind,
and I promise to stay with you for the rest of my life.
- Well done, Ralph.
Now you, Katie.
Place the ring on Ralph's finger.
That's it.
And say out loud the promises you are making to him.
- I promise to have fun with you,
to laugh at your jokes,
if you laugh at mine.
LAUGHTER
To cheer you up if you are sad.
I promise to help you
and let you help me, too.
I promise to be ready with a hug at all times.
I promise to love you and be your best friend forever.
- Katie and Ralph, it is a pleasure and a delight
to tell you that you are both husband and wife!
You may kiss the bride.
- CHEERING
MUSIC: To Love Somebody by Bee Gees
- I just wanted to say thank you for bringing Doug.
You were right - for once.
- Right. Thanks.
- That was me letting you off the hook, Maurice -
you could at least look happy about it!
- Oh, I am. Yeah.
- Are you all right?
- SHE TAPS GLASS
- Silence, everyone, for the best man's speech!
What are you doing?
- Er, Josh wants me to read his speech out for him.
I have known Ralph since we met on the first day of school.
I had issues in those days and punched him in the face at playtime.
- LAUGHTER
- But things have got better since then.
And they got better because Ralph looks out for me
and I look out for him.
Ralph has many good points and skills.
He is a good dancer but also thinks he is a good footballer,
and today is the day to tell him he is not.
- LAUGHTER - I have been lying all this time.
But one thing Ralph is is the best mate anyone can have.
And the best son any mum could want.
And he will be the best husband, too.
Can we all raise a glass to Ralph and Katie?
- ALL: Ralph and Katie!
- Well done, son, that was great.
- Thanks.
Ladies and gentleman, please clear the dance floor
as the lovely bride and lovely groom have the first dance!
WHOOPING
- # We'll be singing
# When we're winning
# We'll be singing
- # I get knocked down But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
- # Pissing the night away
# Pissing the night away
- # He drinks a whisky drink He drinks a vodka drink
# He drinks a lager drink He drinks a cider drink
# He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
# He sings the songs that remind him of the better times
- # Oh, Danny boy
# Danny boy, Danny boy... #
- Are you coming, you two? - Give us a minute.
- # But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down
# I get knocked down But I get up again
# You're never gonna keep me down... #
Thanks for not chucking me out.
Maurice persuaded me to come.
- I think he was right and I was wrong.
I'm glad you're here.
- Virtually kidnapped me, if I'm honest.
- He's a hard man to say no to.
- He told me you'd had cancer.
Well, I'm dropping him in it, telling you...
..but if you'd have told me when you found out...
..I could have helped.
- That's exactly why I didn't tell you,
cos I didn't want you sweeping in and taking over Ralph.
- How could I have done that? The lad adores you!
- Chemo does funny things to your head.
I fell for that lumbering fool under the influence, for starters.
- I've seen pantomime horses move better.
MUSIC: Can't Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue
# Boy, your loving is all I think about
# I just can't get you out of my head
# Boy, it's more than I dare to think about
# La, la, la... #
- Do you dance, Paul? - It has been known.
# I just can't get you out of my head
# Boy, your loving is all I think about... #
- Oh, no, Bill, wait!
- # Boy, it's more than I dare to think about... #
MUSIC: Karma Chameleon by Culture Club
# You come and go
# You come and go... #
Is Maurice going to die soon?
- He's come close a couple of times today, but not soon, no,
as long as he behaves himself.
- Maurice will help you when I move out.
- Yes. Yes, he will.
- But he isn't me. - No. He's not you.
- I'll still help you now I'm married.
- I should bloody well think so!
- MUSIC: Tragedy by Steps
# Tragedy
# When the feeling's gone and you can't go on
# It's tragedy
# When the morning cries and you don't know why
# It's hard to bear... #
- I was tempted to leave you here on the dance floor,
dying on your arse for an hour.
- I like a dance!
- No, you don't.
You dance like you've got too much change in your pockets.
- # When the morning cries and you don't know why
# It's hard to bear... #
- I might have told Doug about your cancer.
- I know. He told me.
- I'm sorry. I thought... - You're a liability, Maurice!
But it's OK.
You're MY liability.
- Look at you, doing a Take That!
- Which one - Gary or Howard?
- Mm, all of them.
- # You put your left foot in
# Your left foot out... #
Shall we get out of here before the conga starts?
# You do the hokey cokey and you turn around
# That's what it's all... #
- I didn't have you down as such a smooth operator, Paul.
- Well, I think you're the only person in the world
who could say I was a smooth operator.
- I'm glad you didn't uninvite me.
- I'm glad you came.
- I do feel I have a connection to Ralph anyway because I was...
I was very supportive when he first became the school lollipop man.
- I know, I'm glad.
- Though there was a lot of resistance to the idea - unspoken.
- How did you know there was resistance if it were unspoken?
- Oh, playground mafia.
- Ah!
- Looks, smiles, frowns, narrow eyes and whispers.
- Oh, do that bit again - the narrow eyes and whispers bit.
- I can't do impersonations to order, Paul.
I lost all feeling down one side at Christmas due to charades.
I think I may have ruined the moment. - No, you haven't.
- Mrs Bill's mum! Mr Joe's dad!
Bill needs his inhaler.
- If he's been experimenting with the helium balloons,
you need to tell me now, Ramesh!
- No. I think it's mainly panic.
He started hyperventilating during the Hokey Cokey.
- He seems fine now, Ramesh!
- I told him to breathe into a paper bag.
It seems to have done the trick.
- I should never have left him on his own.
Behaving like a giddy teenager!
- # I really love your tiger feet... #
- These things happen.
- Thanks for inviting me, Paul.
It's always nice to escape yourself for a bit.
- # Your tiger feet... #
- Is that you talking or the Rescue Remedy?
- # That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat
# I really love your tiger feet... #
- You OK? You bearing up?
- Yeah.
- What is it?
- Those two.
I was just wondering what it was like
to be so certain about your future.
- Come on.
There's something you should see.
Come on.
- # That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right
# I really love your tiger light
# That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat
# I really love your tiger feet... #
- Are we allowed to do this?
- What, go into our own house? Er, yeah.
I think the law is on our side.
- No, I mean, sneak out of a wedding.
I thought we were coming to see Joe's room.
- Oh, well...
Thanks, mate.
Me and Joe thought we were coming to look at your room.
- My room? - Yeah, if you want it.
I was thinking - room for a bed there,
cot, wardrobe maybe.
- When did you decide this?
- It were always going to be yours.
I wanted to surprise you,
but then you started talking about having to stay living
at Maurice's and I thought,
"Oh, maybe I'd better finish it, put you out of your misery."
There's always going to be a place for you here if you want it.
I assumed you'd know that.
You don't have to take it.
But it'll always be here.
- Is it OK with you if me and the new friend live here?
- That's OK with me.
That's OK with me.
- Thanks, Dad! - Hey!
- Thanks, Joe! Come here.
- LOW CONVERSATION
- This is the best champagne I've ever tasted.
- I know.
- It's got a malty depth, but it never forgets that its citrus
undertones are what makes it stand out from the IPA crowd...
- Shut up, Maurice.
- Sorry.
I'm a bit overexcited.
- But it's my wedding day.
- Mm, I know.
- Thank you for saying Josh's speech.
- Pleasure.
- And for today.
- Well, you know.
- And Doug - thank you for bringing him.
- He's your dad. He should be here.
- You're not my dad.
- I know that, son.
I know.
- You're better.
- I don't think I'll tell anybody else that you said that.
- No, you won't.
- Everything's under control. I know it's a big day for you.
Probably the biggest of your life since you actually had Ralph.
I'm moving in with Louise. - Right.
- This arrangement - it's not working out, is it?
- Maybe I need to feel that there's something more.
- We're OK, aren't we?
- I don't think we are.
- I'm not sure if Sarah's a friend, or...
..something more. - Joe's friend...
..is what Joe and I call the baby I'm having.
I think the baby's coming, OK? Do you understand?
- The friend? - Yeah, the friend. The friend's coming.