‐It’s so nice to meet all of you.
Thank you for taking me to dinner, Ms. Alvarez.
‐Oh, well, it’s not every day that Alex gets a new girlfriend,
and even though that day was four weeks ago,
it’s nice to finally meet you. ‐I’m sorry.
I don’t know what I was worried about.
‐So...
...Nora...
...how did you meet my Papito?
‐It’s actually a really funny story.
See, Alex was at his locker, and I come up and said,
"Cool sneakers."
‐And then I said...
‐And we’ve been together ever since.
‐God, it’s so easy being straight.
‐Has he said he loves you?
No? Ohh.
He has said it to me.
‐Okay. Elena’s gay, Alex is a catch,
and you are making everyone uncomfortable.
So, here. Let’s look at the menus
’cause we have to order before 6:00 to get happy hour prices.
Waiter, we’re ready. I’ll have the sliders.
Mami?
‐I’ll have the pot stickers,
unless they have actual pot in them.
The chronic does not agree with me.
‐You’re good.
And for you?
‐Hey!
‐Burger! ‐Salad!
‐Elena, you’re up. ‐Yes.
I have a few questions about the almond‐crusted salmon salad.
How is the salmon raised?
‐It’s raised in price after 6:00!
♪ This is it
♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa
♪ One day at a time
‐And then my abuelo said,
"En esta casa no hay fanaticos de los Red Sox!"
[ Laughter ]
‐I do not care.
If Alex hasn’t said it, I will.
I love you!
‐Yeah, and I usually only say this
to whatever mirror is closest to me,
but you’re a freakin’ delight.
‐It is so nice to finally have a young Latina around
who speaks Spanish!
‐I speak Spanish. ‐I’m young.
‐You know what, Mom? I meant to ask,
can I borrow the car tomorrow
so I can go see the Overwatch League finals, por favor?
‐You mean that thing where you watch nerds play video games?
‐Joke’s on you. "Nerds" isn’t an insult anymore.
‐It’s not a compliment.
‐Anyway, my two favorite teams are playing ‐‐
the LA Gladiators and the Shanghai Dragons.
‐Yes, you can take the car to the match
as long as you promise not to tell me about it after...
and if you drop everyone else off for their errands first.
‐The Overwatch League finals and I get to make an itinerary?
Did this just turn into the best weekend ever?
‐[ Laughs ] You’re hilarious!
‐She wasn’t joking.
‐Okay. We got the check.
Don’t freak out. ‐Okay.
You know the words "don’t freak out"
usually make me freak out and cost me money.
‐Thank you again for taking me to dinner, Ms. Alvarez.
I was super‐nervous to meet you, but you guys are fun!
‐Are you kidding me?!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Um, a couple of these items were charged at full price
and not happy hour price.
‐Oh, yeah. I put those in after 6:00.
‐Okay, but we ordered them before 6:00.
‐Oh, yeah, but it goes by
when they’re entered into the system, so...
‐What’s this?
I don’t know.
I mean, are you some genie and this
magically makes me a millionaire
that can afford full‐price pot stickers?
This is happy hour!
‐Yep, seems real happy.
‐She’s not usually like this. ‐No, that’s true.
She’s always like this.
‐Okay. You know what?
I want to speak to the manager.
‐I am the manager.
‐Oh, really? ‐Mm‐hmm.
The server is the manager?
‐Yep. Mm. ‐Oh, really?
Do you think it’s my first time complaining in a restaurant?
‐I definitely do not.
Whatever. I’ll take off the charge.
‐Oh, good! And you can use my last two wishes ‐‐
Unh! Unh! ‐‐ to conjure up a better attitude
and a freakin’ apology!
Pssh!
It was so lovely to meet you, Nora.
‐I can’t believe you embarrassed me in front of Nora like that
for $13 and a brownie that the waiter definitely spit on!
‐So, what, you want to impress her by making her think
you’re some big shot who doesn’t care about money?
‐No. I want to impress her by making her think
I don’t have a crazy mother.
‐Ooh. Well, now you’re just not being realistic.
‐If Nora breaks up with us over this,
I will never forgive you!
‐Oh, my God!
Everybody, relax!
I was fine!
‐Fine? ‐Yeah.
‐[ Scoffs ] I know it’s good to save money,
but maybe the first time meeting my girlfriend
isn’t the right time to threaten to "burn this mother down."
‐I agree with that. ‐Oh, my God! Oh!
Schneider, what the hell?!
I’m used to you coming in the door unannounced,
but now you’re coming out of the furniture?!
‐I’m trying to fix your janky couch
because someone’s too cheap to buy a new one.
It’s you.
Come on, Pen.
You’re making that sweet nurse practitioner money now.
‐Yeah, but I still have to be careful how I spend it.
You know, it starts with full‐priced pot stickers.
Next thing you know, you’re living in a cardboard box,
making soup out of cigarette butts.
‐That seems a little extreme.
‐You don’t know what I know.
You think MC Hammer thought he was gonna go broke?
He had the biggest pants,
and now he’s got nothing to put in them.
‐Pen, you have what’s called a scarcity mind‐set.
Even though you have money now, you don’t act like it.
‐Oh. So I should act like you?
"Hi. I’m Schneider. I wipe my butt with $100 bills."
‐That is a hurtful rich‐person stereotype!
I have a custom marble bidet!
‐Well, can you use it on your mouth?
’Cause there’s a lot of crap coming out of there!
‐I’m telling you, Pen,
you need to change your relationship with money.
Spend it on something. Treat yourself.
Like, finally get a new couch.
‐Why? This one is fine.
‐F‐Fine?
It’s covered in rips, lumps, and this.
‐That’s just a little leak.
‐Couches are not hooked up to plumbing.
Pen, your sofa is crying.
‐Okay. I’ve got our itinerary all planned out.
First, Alex, I will drop you off
so you can buy your stupid sneakers.
Then I will drop Abuelita off at the fish market
and get to the Overwatch finals
before the first gladiator is fragged.
‐Ay, por favor.
None of those nerds is getting fragged.
Anyways, I need to be dropped at the fish market first,
before all of the Cuban crabs are gone.
‐Cuban crabs?
‐The strongest ones claw their way to the top,
so they’re the first to go.
Those are the Cuban crabs.
‐I can’t drop you off before Alex.
I just got my license, so I’m not allowed
to drive anyone under 20 unless an adult is present.
‐Does it have to be me? ‐No.
Any adult who can sit there and do nothing ‐‐
a seat‐filler, a flesh bag.
‐I have just the person.
‐They said staring at the phone doesn’t make it ring.
It may have taken 20 years, but I proved ’em all wrong!
[ Laughs ]
‐The perfect Sunday ‐‐ just me,
the TV, and my boyfriend, Chester Cheetah.
"Whassup, girl?
I’m about to get all up in yo’ mouth."
Oh, God!
That’s not good.
‐Alright. I ‐‐ Okay. Alright. I know I agreed,
but I thought about it, and I don’t need a new sofa.
‐It broke in half, Pen.
‐Yeah. Now I got two love seats.
‐Come on. You can afford it. It’s gonna be okay.
‐Will it? Then why am I sweating like a couch?
‐They’re not supposed to be wet!
Trust me, I know you don’t like to spend money frivolously,
so I did a ton of research about where we should go,
and I made sure to pick the store with the funniest name.
‐Welcome to Sofa So Good.
‐Ha ha ha!
So good!
‐Can I just let you off here? ‐If you stop first.
‐Fine.
[ Sighs ]
Alright. This is working.
I’m gonna make it to the Overwatch League.
‐I love it when a plan comes together.
‐Oh, my God. Right. You’re still here.
Um, I mean, at least now we can use the carpool lane.
‐Yes! Flesh bag to the rescue!
Your grandmother told me about my new nickname.
I’m fine with it.
‐Okay.
Um, so when we get there, you can just hang out in the car.
‐Well, actually, I was hoping to join you for the match.
‐Do you know anything about e‐sports?
‐Do you know anything about loneliness?
‐Alright, let’s do this!
[ Cellphone rings ] Oh. Hello?
‐I need to be picked up! It is an emergency!
‐What? ‐I told the bus driver
I have a huge case of crabs, and he just drove away!
‐See? It’s okay. He’s not gonna hurt you.
He’s friendly.
Okay, good. So, which one do you want to take home?
‐Can I help you find something?
‐I am definitely not ready for you, Shawn.
‐Hey, Pen, how ’bout this one? Oh, yeah.
Come on in.
The leather is warm.
‐I’m not getting a black leather couch.
I’m not a movie producer from the ’90s.
‐I was.
‐You see? Shawn lost all his money.
‐Thanks for that trip down memory lane.
‐Come on, Pen.
Just try sitting on one of these.
‐Ooh.
My butt likes this one.
‐Your butt has very good taste.
And check this out. ‐No, but don’t do that!
‐Oh, no, no. Don’t worry.
See, the sofa’s treated with Spillguard,
and the liquid just pools harmlessly on it.
‐Yeah, but you wasted a perfectly good soda.
‐Just picture it, Pen ‐‐
our family sitting on this couch juntos.
"Hey, Pen, will you pass me the remote?"
‐"No, Schneider! Get the hell out of my apartment!"
[ Gasps ]
This feels right.
Oh‐ho, yeah, that’s ‐‐ that’s pricy,
but I‐I think I can swing it. ‐Yes!
‐Terrific! Now, a lot of people get the sofa‐bed option,
just in case you want to have a guest over, so ‐‐
‐Yes, we want that. ‐No, we definitely do not want that.
‐Okay. Uh, would you like to open a store credit card?
‐Does it have zero interest? Because I do.
‐You did it! ‐I did it.
‐You bought a new couch! How do you feel?
‐[ Vomits ]
‐I guess we’ll take that rug, too.
‐Maybe I can still take the bus and tell the driver
these are emotional‐support crabs.
‐Forget it. I am not stopping again for anything.
[ Cellphone rings ] No!
What do you mean, you decided not to buy the shoes?
Shoes are your entire personality!
‐Okay. I thought about it, and I realized
these ones are what brought me and Nora together.
I couldn’t replace them.
‐Aww, qué romántico.
‐I also can’t replace my shoes,
mostly because I have a condition called "raptor foot."
I’m ‐‐ I’m very hard to fit.
‐Anyways, just drop me off at home. ‐Uh, no.
I’ve already missed the first two matches,
and we’re almost at the arena, so we’re all going.
Great. The parking lot’s full.
‐Well, you’ll just park somewhere else.
‐Yeah, like at home.
‐I’m not gonna miss the final.
‐Ohh! Spot! Spot!
‐Ohh! Oh, you’re right! ‐Ohh!
‐An open meter, and it’s Sunday ‐‐ free parking!
We’re gonna make it! Whoo!
‐♪ We are gonna make it! We are gonna make it! ♪
‐Wait! I don’t want to make it!
‐Yes! Yes, we do! I can’t go home.
There’s nothing waiting for me except darkness.
Let’s do this! ‐Yeah! ‐Yeah!
‐Alright, I’m getting that spot. Hold on.
[ Tires screech ] ‐Whoa!
Ohh! Aah! Aah!
If these are emotional‐support crabs, they’re not working.
‐Yeah.
Just like that.
Ha! You know how I like it.
Oh, you know what to do with that butt.
‐That’s exactly what I say to my bidet.
Feels good to spend a little coin, huh?
‐I know. I did it! I did it! I made peace with money!
I’m good! We’re good! We’re more than good!
We’re lovers! Now leave us.
‐Okay.
So, I did what you asked, and I put the old couch out on the curb,
but doesn’t it really belong in the Alvarez Museum?
‐The Alvarez Museum is just a couple of awards
and knickknacks in the hallway.
‐Oh, right.
It’s definitely not a collection of memorabilia from your family
that I set up in an empty apartment on the sixth floor
called the Alvarez Museum Norte.
‐Okay. I am too happy to be creeped out.
I love this couch. I love it.
I had the best nap of my life.
And look ‐‐ my drool just wipes right off.
‐See?
Spending a little money didn’t set off a chain of events
that led to some doomsday scenario.
‐Okay. Don’t freak out.
‐Don’t freak out? I don’t need this today.
I already barfed on an area rug.
‐Okay. Maybe you should sit down.
‐Whoa! Love the new couch!
It must have been really expensive.
‐You’re not helping. ‐You’re not helping.
‐What happened? ‐First of all, as you can see,
everyone’s okay, except maybe Dr. B.
‐It was exhilarating
to watch athletes with the same body type as me.
Shields up! Shields up!
That’s the LA Gladiators’ slogan.
I stan them.
‐Just tell me what happened.
‐I got nachos. ‐Not you!
You! ‐Okay.
Well, um, when we finally got to the game,
the parking lot was full, so I parked on the street,
and it’s important to know that at this point in the story,
we are ahead $8.
‐And then?
‐And then...
while we were in the game,
the car was broken into and the window was smashed.
Which is probably how the pigeon got in.
I don’t know what he ate, but it did not agree with him.
Anyway, we chased the pigeon away,
but we probably should have closed the car door first,
’cause it got hit by a scooter. ‐What?
‐No, no, no, no. Don’t worry. The guy’s fine.
I know because he got up and scooted away.
Unfortunately, the car door kind of chased him.
So, just to recap,
I saved us $8, and some other stuff happened.
‐Shields up.
‐It’s only money.
‐What?! ‐Whoa!
‐Yes! I did this!
‐No, I‐I am so glad you’re not mad,
’cause I was a little worried,
because I left my laptop on the seat,
and that’s probably why they broke in.
‐You left your laptop in the car?!
‐It’s only money?
‐How many times have I told you
not to leave valuable stuff visible in the car?!
‐I know. I know. I‐I made a mistake.
‐Yeah, you did ‐‐ a really dumb one.
How can someone so smart do something so stupid?
We’ll talk about this later.
‐This is why I took my crabs into the nerd show...
...although, after six hours...
I don’t think we should eat them anymore.
‐Hey. ‐Hey.
‐So, listen, I’m sorry I got so upset.
But I need you to understand where I’m coming from.
Money and I have never had a great relationship.
You know how Abuelita lives with us?
Well, for a while there, we lived with her,
because when your papi left, I couldn’t afford the rent.
I mean, so, like, we’re ‐‐ we’re good now,
but those feelings, they don’t just go away,
because you’re always one catastrophe away
from being broke.
But I know I need to loosen up.
I know that $13 pot stickers is not a catastrophe.
It’s a rip‐off, but it’s not a catastrophe,
and neither is this.
‐You’re right, ’cause I have a plan to pay for everything.
I can sell my hair or my blood or my eggs,
’cause they’re still young and fresh. ‐Okay, whoa.
Don’t give away my grandchildren.
‐Okay, but I‐I can use all the money I have saved.
‐You have money saved? ‐Yeah.
I’ve had a system since I started working
as Schneider’s assistant.
For every dollar I spend, I put $2 into savings.
‐Really? I didn’t know you were so good with money.
‐I’m trying. I can show you.
I track all of my spendings and savings on this spreadsheet...
...that was on my laptop.
[ Sighs ]
‐It’s okay.
We have insurance, and we’ll figure the rest out.
‐Okay, but I’m gonna work a bunch of extra shifts for Schneider
so I can help pay for that new computer.
‐Yeah, that’s what I mean by "we’ll figure the rest out."
But I am proud of you.
Hearing all this makes me feel like I’ve done something right.
‐Yeah, well, I learned from the master.
You’ve had the same Ziploc since I was a kid.
You replaced the zipper like five times.
‐That was your great‐grandmother’s Ziploc.
And one day you’ll pass it on to your kids.
‐In this moment, I’ll pretend I’m gonna have kids.
‐Oh, thank you, baby. Thank you.
Mind if we join you? ‐Siéntate.
Ahh.
[ All sigh ] ‐Ahhhhhh.
‐Is it just me, or does the new couch make our TV seem smaller?
‐Well, if we’re buying a new TV,
we’re gonna need to splurge on surround sound.
‐And a state‐of‐the‐art soft‐pretzel carousel.
‐[ Crying ]
‐Look at that. Mami’s tears just bead and roll right off.
♪