‐When you have a teenage boy, you know the day will come,
and it’s only a matter of time before someone
opens a door that they shouldn’t
and sees someone doing something with themselves.
‐Mm‐hmm.
‐And last night, it happened.
‐Oh, no. You walked in on Alex.
‐No.
He walked in on me.
‐Oh!
‐♪ This is it
♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa
♪ One day at a time
‐So, Alex walked in on you having a ménage à moi?
‐Deejaying for a party of one?
‐Very much so, yes.
‐Why didn’t you lock the door?
‐’Cause we’re not that kind of family.
We don’t have locks on our doors, except the front door.
We have 14 locks on that.
‐Well, you know, this kind of sounds
like a private family issue to me, so ‐‐
‐Yeah, nice try, Pam.
It was Friday night, and my mom and the kids
were going to the movies.
I’d had a long week, and I was looking forward
to having the place to myself,
because I rarely get the place to myself.
‐You sure you don’t want to come?
‐Oh, no. I’m tired. You guys, go, have fun!
[ Door closes ]
So, I grabbed my wine...
...and got into bed to watch a little "Outlander."
‐I’m sorry. What’s "Outlander"?
‐"Outlander" is a show about this woman
who touches a rock and then gets sent back in time
to have sex with this super‐hot Scottish dude to save her life.
‐Oh. ‐It’s quality television, Pam.
Culture yourself.
‐I’ve definitely enjoyed some alone time watching "Outlander."
I mean, that accent does it for me.
‐Doesn’t do it for me.
They all sound like Shrek.
‐Shrek can get it.
‐Rachel Maddow.
What I would do to get into her blazers.
Sometimes, I just picture her naked,
beating the crap out of Mitch McConnell.
‐Anyway, I was in the room
with my door closed,
enjoying the fine... acting...
[ Scottish music playing on TV ]
...when, unbeknownst to me, Alex came back looking for his phone.
So he used the landline to call it.
[ Telephone dialing ]
[ Buzzing ]
‐Aah! ‐Aah!
‐That’s not my phone!
‐I haven’t seen terror in a man’s eyes like that
since Afghanistan.
‐You sure Alex even knows what he saw?
Because I’ve dated full‐grown men
who don’t know what’s going on down there.
‐Maybe he thought you were shaving your legs...
in the dark... under the covers.
‐Dark? Covers?
Ha! That would have been nice.
[ All groan ]
I know! I know!
I know.
So, now that I’ve robbed my child of his innocence,
how do I talk to him about it?
‐Talk to him? Are you crazy?
‐Listen, we’ve all got things we wish we hadn’t seen.
‐Mm‐hmm, mm‐hmm. ‐Like Jill doing karaoke.
‐You’re just jealous I can do both parts
of "Islands in the Stream" by myself.
‐Sounds like Penelope was doing both parts by herself.
‐But I‐I just want him to know
that there’s nothing wrong with it.
I mean, there was in that it was me,
but he needs to know that moms are sexual beings, too.
‐Teenage boys never need to know that.
‐Well, he at least needs to know that masturbation is healthy.
‐Oh, he definitely already knows that.
‐He’s already really embarrassed.
Talking to him about it is only gonna make it worse.
‐She’s right. When I was about his age,
I walked in on my parents having sex,
and it was incredibly traumatic.
They tried to talk to me about it, too.
‐So, what happened? ‐I enlisted.
‐Hi, Papito.
‐Hey.
‐How’s it going with your homework?
What are you working on?
‐Essay. ‐Mm.
Cool, cool. Cool, cool.
You want something to eat?
‐Too soon, Mom.
‐[ Mumbles ] Okay, Alex, we need to talk.
‐Nah. I’m good.
‐It’s not gonna make it any less awkward by not talking about it.
‐It might. Let’s try.
‐Look, I want you to know that what you accidentally witnessed
was a completely normal expression of human sexuality.
‐Okay!
‐Okay, yeah. [ Grumbles ]
Well, look, we’re back here again.
Ah.
I just want to make sure you don’t have any questions.
Because masturbation is a healthy, normal part of life.
‐No, it is not!
It’s a dirty, sinful habit for sad, ugly people.
Not living, beautiful angels.
‐It wasn’t me. It was her. ‐[ Gasps ]
iQue sucia!
Did you learn that in the Army?
Because no one in our family has ever done that.
‐Mommy, please!
Stop with the old‐school prudishness.
It’s natural.
‐Maybe for men, because they are animals
who cannot help themselves.
But women ‐‐ women are civilized.
We are mothers.
We do not put the hand that wipes the tears of our child
down the front of our bloomens.
‐What you guys talking about?
‐The completely normal act of female self‐pleasure.
‐Oh, can I tag in?
‐Can I tag out?
‐No, no, no, no, no, no.
I have been reading a lot about ‐‐ ‐Please.
I don’t need more information. ‐Well, no.
There are real health benefits from self‐gratification,
particularly for women, like reduced stress
and pain relief from menstrual cramps and improved cognition.
‐iQue tontería!
Sex is between people who are married.
It is Adam and Eve, not Bzzzz and Eve.
‐Abuelita, are you saying that you, of all people, never...
opened the curtains? ‐Oh!
‐No! Please don’t answer!
I will literally give each of you $20
to stop talking about this.
This is not a normal conversation.
This family needs boundaries.
‐Boundaries? What do you mean boundaries?
Boundaries are for white people.
Next thing you know, we’re eating Lunchables
in separate rooms, and Grandmama lives in a home.
‐Ay, no.
‐Listen, I’m trying to make you understand
that this is nothing you should ever feel ashamed about.
‐No, no, no, no, no!
Shame is good for you.
You should be proud of your shame.
‐I already said I don’t want to talk about this with you.
I need my privacy. ‐Oh, that’s cute.
Yeah, there’s no such thing as privacy from your mother.
I made you. Your life is my life.
I am you.
‐And I am her, so I am also you.
‐What about me?
‐You’re kind of your own thing.
But your mommy is right.
In this family, we talk about everything.
There are no boundaries. There are no secrets. Y ya.
This is a secret.
And if you tell anyone about this date,
I will deny everything.
‐Um, while you are beautiful...
‐[ Laughs ]
‐...you look nothing like your profile picture...
Penelope.
‐Oh, you caught me!
That was not me in the picture.
And this is not a date. It is an interview.
‐An interview?
‐Yes. To see if you are a worthy suitor
to date my daughter, Penelope,
who is the smoke show in those pictures.
So, it says here you majored in engineering.
‐Y‐Yes. With a minor in theater.
‐I love the theater.
But there’s no money in it, so I have to dock you some points.
So, you will love Penelope.
She is smart and kind and funny.
But, recently, she has been touching herself,
which is why I am here.
I know. I was shocked myself.
But I realized she must be doing that because she is very lonely.
And I want my daughter to find happiness.
‐Oh. Well, when you put it like that,
it’s actually very sweet.
I’m close to my mom, too.
We talk every day.
‐Every day?
You are now my top contender.
So, for the win, tell me ‐‐ who is your favorite pope?
There is a right answer.
[ Humming "Here Comes the Bride" ]
Oh!
‐I want to talk to you about the female orgasm.
Abuelita, I want to share this book
on self‐exploration with you.
It’s called "I’ll Have What I’m Having."
It will help you find pleasure.
‐You’re right. That was very pleasurable.
‐Oy!
‐iAy, que bueno!
You are home!
You have a date.
His name is Danny. And he is Catholic.
And he is an engineer. And he is Catholic.
‐What are you talking about?
‐Well, I realize that if you were not lonely,
you would not have to do...
Hmm?
So, I, um ‐‐ ¿como se dice? ‐‐ catfish.
I made you a profile on Tinder.
‐Okay, my whole face just went numb.
How could you do this?!
‐Well, I simply broke into your phone,
e‐mailed myself photos of you, and ‐‐ teeky‐tocky ‐‐
I found you a man.
‐Let me see the profile.
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Under bio, it says, "Lonely Catholic nurse
seeks big, strong man to fill the hole in her life"?
‐Abuelita, you might want to reword that.
‐You put my measurements on here?
‐Of course. With your perfect ratios,
why bury the lede?
‐How did you even get them? ‐You are a very sound sleeper.
It’s also on your profile.
‐¿Que tal, Lydia? How did the date with Danny go?
Did he say Pope Francis?
‐Of course you were a part of this.
‐Um, yeah.
We’re all very concerned.
Actually, you should be glad I helped her.
The first profile she set up was on Craigslist...
under "free stuff."
‐Oh, dear God.
Mommy, Mommy, you need to back way up.
What I do in my room, behind closed doors, is my business.
Who I choose to date is my business.
And I don’t want you meddling. I have a right to my privacy.
‐Oh!
Interesting twist.
I thought you said there was no such thing as privacy
from your own mother.
‐I’m an adult, son!
And you do me a favor, Mommy. You stay out of my love life.
‐Fine! It should be easy
to stay out of something that doesn’t exist.
And while I’m at it, I’ll also stay out of Hogwarts.
‐You know, maybe Alex is right. ‐I am?
‐Yeah, maybe. Maybe this family does need boundaries.
We clearly have no idea how to respect each other’s personal space.
‐I don’t understand what you are saying.
Should I tell Danny 7:30? ‐Oh, no!
No! Oh!
Okay, you don’t respect my feelings.
You don’t respect my privacy.
This is not normal.
‐What is not normal is making love to a robot.
‐It’s not a robot. It’s a personal massager. ‐Okay, you know what?
I’m just gonna go over to Schneider’s, probably forever.
Come on, Schneider. ‐I’ll catch up with you later.
I’m pretty invested in this.
‐Okay, from now on, we knock on doors,
we don’t over‐share, and we don’t meddle.
‐Lupita, you are being too sensitive.
All I am saying is that I cannot be
a mother‐in‐law to a dustbuster.
‐Well, guess what.
If I did marry my vibrator, you would not be invited.
‐Then I could get an invite from the groom
and sit on his side of the chapel
with all the blenders and air fryers.
‐Good morning, Mommy. How’d you sleep?
‐I don’t see how that is any of your business.
In fact, I want you to respect my privacy,
no matter what happens.
‐Okay.
‐Oh, I am so tired.
I barely slept last night.
‐You caught me leaving Lydia’s bedroom in my post‐coital glow.
‐I know you have a lot of questions, but, obviously,
I cannot answer any of them porque boundaries.
‐Well, if the world’s worst breakfast theater is over,
I’m gonna go to work.
Can I get a ride, Dr. B?
‐I would, but your mom promised to make me breakfast
if I came over in my bathrobe looking like a snack.
‐Breakfast is for closers, Leslie.
‐How many dating accounts did you and my mom set up?
I’m getting e‐mails from ScottishHotties.com.
‐I watch "Outlander." I know what you like.
‐This has gotten out of hand.
‐Kind of how it started, right?
‐My mom is out of control.
I told her we need boundaries, and now she’s down there
starring in a telenovela, "La Mamá de la Sucia."
‐But didn’t you bring this on yourself?
You keep changing the rules about boundaries.
‐No. The rules are very simple.
No boundaries between me and my son.
Yes boundaries between me and my mom.
‐But isn’t that kind of hypocritical?
‐No. He’s my baby.
I can’t leave him to deal with all this stuff by himself.
I’m his mother. ‐Sure, sure, sure, sure,
sure, sure, sure, sure.
But Lydia is your mother. Oh, my God!
You guys are basically doing the same thing.
That is adorable!
‐No. No!
I’m a grown woman, and she needs to stop mothering me now.
‐Oh, okay. So I guess there’s gonna be a time
when you stop mothering Alex?
‐Damn it, Schneider.
‐Not now, Angus!
‐Yes, Leslie?
Well, I hope it’s nothing, but I am late.
‐Mommy, that’s the remote.
‐Well, if anyone knows their electric handheld devices,
it’s you.
‐Oh, my God.
Will you stop...
so I can apologize to you?
‐Apologize? Oh!
I’m listening.
‐I get it. I understand when you meddle in my life ‐‐
or steal my identity and offer me up
like a used couch on the Internet ‐‐
it’s because you love me.
‐Ay, Lupita.
I would do anything for your happiness.
‐Thank you.
So, I guess we’re back to no boundaries.
Although, I am gonna put a lock on the door,
if only to save Alex from further trauma.
‐That’s literally all I wanted.
Of course, now when the door is locked,
I’ll know what’s happening in there.
And that’s its own special kind of scarring.
‐There is nothing scarring about a woman
taking care of her needs. ‐You weren’t there!
‐Look, being in each other’s business
is a small price to pay for being as close as we are.
And in order to stay close, we have to be close.
And that’s a trade‐off I’m okay with.
‐I am so happy!
But I wish you had come to your senses earlier.
I ran into the most perfect man in the grocery store.
But because you told me to stay out of your love life,
I said nothing.
[ Knock on door ] Or did I?
‐Wow!
[ Chuckles ] W‐W‐Why?
Why am I even surprised?
O‐Of course you had no intention
to ever respect those boundaries.
‐Hello.
‐Hi, Max. What are you doing here?
I thought you were in Indonesia. ‐Yeah, I’m back.
They have these things called airplanes.
Yeah.
‐So, I, uh ‐‐ I ran into your mom at the grocery store.
And she over‐shared about a lot of things.
But, in the end, she said that you missed me.
So, do you?
’Cause I sure do miss the hell out of you, kid.
‐Hey, Pen, I got those double‐"A" batteries you asked for.
Oh, my God! Max?! You’re back?!
[ Grunts ] Buddy, I missed you so much!
Yes, yes, yes! Exactly!
♪