(dark, dramatic music playing)
(video game music, effects fading in)
♪ ♪
Makeup Artist: So, do you have any kids?
(music stops)
Yeah. I have a son who's 30, and a...
grandson who's 7.
They're living with me at the moment.
Oh, how come?
Oh, my son lost his job, and they have no money.
Makeup Artist: Well, being a parent is for life.
-(door opens) -Joel: Hey. There they are.
Mr. Cousineau. I'm the producer, Joel,
-and this is our showrunner, Brian. -Hey.
Do you remember me?
"Murder, She Wrote"? I was a P.A. You attacked me.
I need more.
You threw hot tea in my face because your omelet had chives.
-Was I playing a priest? -Very honored to have you on the show.
Um, what you did for this vet
was inspiring,
and we wanted to pay you back for your service,
so we are giving you a line.
-You're giving me a line? -Joel: It's a small line,
four or five words, but it's pivotal to the story.
Mr. Cousineau, what do you say?
Thank you.
(theme song playing)
(arguing in Chechen)
Look at this place. Shit everywhere!
We were hit. We were hit!
Thank God we were on that tour bus! You know, man,
if not for that Groupon almost expiring,
we'd all be dead men.
-Is everyone okay? -I just checked.
-Everyone is safe in hiding places. -(exhales)
Fucking Bolivians!
They want their heroin back.
And if that happens, we're fucked!
NoHo Hank: I wouldn't be so quick to blame Bolivians.
I mean, I think it's just neighborhood kids being chodes.
No, no, no, no, no. Clearly,
Cristobal sent his goons after us!
We're going to find him, and we're going to take him out.
Or... Or...
we make a call to Chechnya.
You want to activate the patsy?
Oh, I want to activate the patsy.
♪ ♪
Fuches!
-Telephone call from America! -(goats bleating)
Coming, my love!
(laughing) Come on.
(loud laughter)
This way, my girls! Yeah, let's go.
Daddy got a phone call! Come on!
-Come on! -(bleating continues)
(pastoral choir singing)
♪ ♪
-Hello? -NoHo Hank (on phone): Fuches!
It's me!
It's Hank. It's NoHo Hank. Hi.
-Oh hey, Hank. -(goats bleating)
-What's shakin'? -NoHo Hank: So, great news.
Coast is clear. Heat is off us.
No need to live on the lam.
-(goats bleating) -You mean I can come back home?
I booked you a flight that leaves tonight.
-Well... -(cowbells clanging)
Tell you the truth, I'm really happy here.
-What? -Yeah, I got myself a little slice of heaven here.
(laughs) Turns out, I'm a natural
-at everything goat. -NoHo Hank: Okay...
But (nervous laugh)
I just cooled Barry's heels for you. I-I mean.
he's not even mad at you anymore. I just saw him.
-You saw Barry? -NoHo Hank: Yeah, and TBH,
you're not even on his mind anymore.
You're not a blimp on his radar, okay?
He is total basket case, and he looks like shit.
-(goats bleating) -(wind blowing)
Well...
I'm not interested, Hank.
No need to contact me anymore.
(hangs up phone)
(speaking Chechen)
Well, now we have no choice but to do suicide mission.
Cristobal and Bolivians die tonight!
-You look beautiful. -Beautiful.
Thanks. (nervous squeal) I'm really fucking nervous.
Oh, I have deodorant. I'll get it. I have the good kind.
-The cancer kind! -Sally,
just be yourself. You're gonna be great.
Okay, thank you. That's fine.
Oh, um, do you think they're gonna ask about my childhood?
Shit, I hope they don't ask about Sam, but, I mean,
I'm sure they've done their research.
Oh, do you want some Vaseline for your teeth?
Alexis Kaplan has a daughter on "Pam!"
and in real life. I don't have one in real life.
Is that bad? You think they're gonna call me inauthentic?
I mean, should I say that I'm considering adoption?
No. I-I think they'll see
how authentic your passion for the show is.
Just don't be too passionate, you know?
You don't wanna be the real you in the wrong way.
By the way, I love this romper. It says,
"I'm a woman, but don't treat me like one."
That's what we were going for.
Oh my god! Oh, you look so cute!
Oh, thank you. I mean, this is all so exciting!
-You are going to have so much fun, sweetie. -Oh, yeah.
-I'm just really nervous. -Sally: Oh, don't be. Oh my god.
Just be yourself. You'll be fine. You'll be great.
-Yeah. -No, no reason to be nervous.
-(camera whirring) -Publicist: Okay. You all set? Okay, great.
Just go in. You have five minutes.
Ask a few questions. You're talking to Sally Reed.
It's spelled R-E-E-D. The show's called "Joplin."
Talking to Sally Reed. You all set? Alright. Mm!
-(door opens) -Madeleine: Hey, Sally.
-Sally: Hey! -Publicist: Here's Madeleine from "E! News."
Sally Reed! How you doin', girl?
-I'm good. -Now, the show takes place in Joplin,
-and you were raised there. -Mm-hmm, that's right.
Is that really what Joplin's like?
Well, it's a lot less freezing on set.
(laughs)
Okay, great. Thanks.
-(door opens) -Publicist: Here's Mike from "Access Hollywood."
Sally Reed! How ya doin', girl?
-I'm good. -This is a show about a woman trying to help her daughter
leave an abusive relationship in Joplin, Missouri.
-Yes, that's right. -Was that tough?
-Yes? -Mike: Alright, great. And who do you think
should be the next Spider-Man?
Uh...
Ben Mendelsohn?
-Mike: Okay... -(door opens)
-Publicist: Here's Taylor from "Screen Nerd." -Taylor: There she is,
-Sally Reed. Girl boss. -(laughs) Hi.
Hashtag "you go, girl!" You feeling 100, yeah?
(slow exhale)
Barry: (grunts) They let me keep my beard.
Yeah, they said some pharma guys actually have a beard like this.
Ah!
(groans, sighs)
Wanna run lines? Yeah? Alright.
What I did was terrible,
and I'm truly sorry.
I accept your apology.
That was great.
Oh, man.
This trailer is nice.
Might go over to the "Wheel of Fortune" building,
-take some pictures-- -Did she suffer?
But she figured out that it was you she was looking for.
And I invited you to my cabin.
(sighs)
Who was that guy that took me into the woods?
He's nobody.
Actually, you know what? That's not true.
I want to be honest with you
because I think we have a good thing going here.
Um...
He's a family friend.
-He's actually kinda like a-- -An uncle?
He got you into this line of work?
So that monologue that you gave me
when I first met you, that was fuckin' true?
And then I said it again at the dinner table.
-And she knew it was you. -Hey, we don't need to rehash all this.
If I didn't say anything...
-she'd be alive today. -Ah, no, don't put that on yourself,
Mr. Cousineau.
No, she was good at her job.
(sighs) The whole thing's just really unfortunate, you know?
Look, I believe,
and some of this I got from your teachings, that...
th-that you can be the version of yourself that you want to be.
I never said that to you.
What I'm saying is...
is that I never would've learned that if it wasn't for you.
So, I'm responsible for who you are?
The positive side. Yeah.
I mean, meeting you changed my life for the better, you know?
(sighs)
Look, we've both done terrible things in our lives,
but we're helping each other...
make up for it. You know?
I mean, you got a line.
(laughs)
You're welcome. (laughs)
(Latin music playing)
(singing in Spanish)
-(guns clicking) -Fernando: Hey, Cristobal!
We're heading back to the nursery!
To hit the Chechens during regular business hours.
-Huh. -(guns clicking)
Suegro...
I want the revenge just as bad as you do,
but, as you saw,
uh, we were shooting at empty tents.
They're on the run.
I've been here,
working this territory, a...
and I'm good at my job.
And I'm telling you, th-there is nothing for us here.
Cristobal.
(music continues)
You're right.
You are good at your job.
We'll cut our losses and head back home.
We gave LA a shot, didn't work out.
Win some, lose some.
-It's all about perspective. -Mm-hmm.
So, we'll head back to Bolivia?
Yes.
(loud sigh)
How do I break it to the guys?
They're ready to go.
Maybe take them to lunch first.
I know what I'll do.
I'll take them to Johnny Rockets.
And then after, in the parking lot,
I'll say, "Hey. We aren't attacking the Chechens.
We're heading back to Bolivia."
Thanks for helping me figure that out.
(phone buzzing)
-(buzzing stops) -(Spanish singing continues)
-Fuck. -(door opens)
-(sighs) -(door creaking)
(door shuts)
Yandar: What's that?
I bought bomb on dark web.
Jesus Christ! What the fuck did you do that for?
We use this to blow up Cristobal's house.
No.
We want Fernando dead,
okay?
He is head of whole Bolivian operation.
He ordered the hit on us.
(quiet beeping)
How do you know it is this...
Fernando?
I just know. I...
Cristobal is a nobody, okay?
He's, like, fourth, fifth in command. Fernando...
is the real threat here, okay?
-(beeping continues) -Trust me.
Hm. Just blow up the fucking house.
-Good luck, Akhmal. -What? What the fuck does it have to be me?!
-Can't we draw straws? -Who are you?
-Bruce Willis in "Armageddon"? -I don't wanna do this. This is crazy.
I know someone crazy.
-(set chatter) -(bell ringing)
(phone buzzing)
(sends text)
(mutters): Jesus fucking Christ...
(phone buzzing)
(sighs) Hank, I said no.
Fuches (on phone): Barry?
Fuches?
Where are you?
-(goat bleating) -Heaven, Barry.
Barry: Seriously, where are you?
(scoffs) Why? You gonna come find me?
No.
Fuches: Hank said that you cooled off a bit,
said you were on hard times. I-I'm sorry to hear that.
-I'm fine. -Fuches: I wanna say
I'm sorry...
for whatever it is you think I did
to hurt your relationship with Mr. Cousineau.
Okay.
Okay, good. Good.
Uh, now in the spirit of that comment,
is there something you'd like to say to me?
No.
-(goats bleating) -(wind blowing)
I'm dying, Barry. I'm in the hospital.
Yeah, doctors are being cagey. Not a lot of eye contact.
So, if there ever was a time you did wanna say something to me,
-now would be that time. -Are those goats in the background?
I could give you some apology options
off the top of my head, Barry.
"I'm sorry I shot at you!
I'm sorry for ruining your heroin deal with the Burmese!"
Alright, I don't have time for this, okay?
Me and Mr. Cousineau are fine.
Please don't call me again, alright?
(sighs)
(phone buzzing)
-Yeah? -What the fuck do you mean you and Cousineau are fine?
I mean, we're fine. We worked our shit out together.
Actually, we're working together today.
-Oh, you're working. -Yeah. On a show called "Laws of Humanity."
-That's a great show. -Barry: And I know
you told him I killed Janice,
-but we hashed it out, like adults. -(goat bleating)
So, there's no need to apologize
'cause your little fucking plan didn't work.
Oh, you're good, are you?
You're never going to move past that!
You destroyed that guy's life!
Yeah, well now, I'm making it up to him. By acting.
-How the fuck do you do that!?! -Why do you care?
-I don't care! -Well, you obviously fuckin' care. You called me.
-You called me. -You are fuckin' nuts, man.
-(bleating) -Also, I know you're on a farm or something
because I can hear goats in the background.
Maybe I'm at the zoo with my new best friend!
-Thought you said you were at a hospital. -(screaming)
(grunts)
(phone clattering)
-(bleating continues) -(cowbell ringing)
(wind blowing)
(sighs)
I never answered the same question so many times
in my whole life.
Did they ask you who the new Spider-Man should be?
-Yeah, I think I said Harry Styles or something. -Shit, that's good.
Did they ask you about "Cake Boss"?
Yeah, is he one of the new Avengers?
No, it's, um-- that's a baking competition.
Shit, that's embarrassing.
(deep sigh)
Hey, do you have a date for the premiere tomorrow?
Not unless you count my parents.
Well, you're welcome to ride with me and Barry, if you want.
-We have a limo. -Um...
Yeah, um, no, th-that's okay. Yeah.
Hey, Sally, they're ready for you again.
-Ugh. -I know. You got this.
(laughs)
Publicist: Hi Sally, follow me.
-Hey, can I give you a word of advice? -Mm.
When your boss invites you to the premiere with her,
-you don't say no. (laughs) -Uh...
Yeah, no. Um, it's-- I, um, I...
I-I don't really feel, uh, comfortable around Barry.
Why?
Um, well, uh...
The other day in the writer's room, he, like,
screamed at her in front of everyone,
and it was... it was really bad.
Oh, yeah. No, I've seen him do that before.
He's totally harmless. I'm sure he was having a bad day.
I was in an acting class with Barry,
and he's a really good guy.
He yelled at us a few times, and,
you know, he told us that he killed a few people in...
some war, and that it really messed him up. But,
I don't think that makes him violent. (laughs)
I feel like he's gonna do something.
To Sally? No, no, no, no, no, no.
He treats Sally like a star.
That's why she keeps him around. (laughs)
(somber music playing)
-So, you were a Marine? -Barry: Mm-hmm.
-I do CrossFit with a lot of Marines. -Oh, that's cool.
They're always telling me like, "Dude,
you totally could've been a Marine."
And I thought about joining, but, you know,
I guess I had too many other options.
-Barry: Huh. -Director: Going on a bell!
Oh yeah, thanks.
Alright, here we go. Excuse me.
-(buzzer) -Crew 1: ...settle!
Crew 2: Lock it down!
Director: And we're rolling...
And... action!
As you know, I got you the full amount
on the wrongful death of your dear wife.
But no amount of money can make this right.
They need to come here, look you in the eye,
and apologize.
Bring him in!
(footsteps approach)
Barry: Thank you for teaching me how to right my wrongs.
Mr. Manity.
Please, call me Hugh.
(sighs) Sir, my, uh,
company knowingly hiked the prices of a drug
that would've saved your wife's life.
What I did was terrible,
and I'm truly sorry.
(sighs)
-(crew gasps) -I want you to stay away from my family!
Fuck you, and don't talk to me anymore, you piece of shit!
(quiet chatter)
(truck reversing beep)
Shit...
This show deals with abuse and is so personal.
What's it like being a part of that?
Yeah. I mean, it's, it's really amazing, honestly.
And, like, Sally's so, just,
inspiring with the way she talks about it all,
and is so open about it. Um...
Yeah, it-it's really cool.
I was just speaking with her, and it's so good to hear
that she's in a healthy relationship now.
Yeah. Um...
Her boyfriend...
Um...
He's great. He's-- Yeah, he's, um, he's awesome.
♪ ♪
(typing on phone)
(ringing)
-This is Hank. -Barry (on phone): I'm in.
Are you fucking serious? Barry's back.
-Yes! -This one's a doozy. He's head of Bolivian crime--
Just tell me how much and, uh, where I'm going.
-And I'll be there. -NoHo Hank: Barry, you are a real one, okay?
You're doing me such a solid, you have no idea.
Okay, um... It-it's very complicated.
There's lots of ins and outs to it, but thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
So, you are giving this job to a madman...
who killed most of our men at the monastery?
Yes, but (laughs)...
don't we want a madman? I mean, Barry is...
Greek Freak of assassins, okay?
The monastery?
He was just having a bad day.
Oh...
But, I wanted to get rid of Barry,
and you insisted that we use Fuches,
which was bust.
And now,
you want to stop me going after Cristobal.
(grumbles)
Ana: I hate seeing you like this.
So riled up about Barry,
when he's not even thinking of you.
That's exactly why I wanna kill him.
You don't. Vengeance is like
drinking poison, hoping the other person will die.
Well, at least he'd be dead.
(fire crackling)
(sighs)
Aren't you happy here?
(sighs)
If you knew everything I did for him...
all I sacrificed to give this kid a life...
you'd feel different.
(wind howling outside)
Do you know the story of the Bolam-Deela?
Yeah.
No, you don't. I know you don't.
(wind continues howling)
A long time ago, in the Argun Gorge,
a man came across a beautiful farmland,
and he had to make it his.
So, he killed the farmers and took the land.
And from that day forward, their dead souls
wandered his land in purgatory.
Until one day, a creature,
the Bolam-Deela,
appeared and offered the souls a choice.
You can forgive the man and go to Heaven
or seek vengeance.
All of the souls chose vengeance except for one little boy.
So, the Bolam-Deela granted the souls their wish
and turned them all into panthers.
The panthers, so full of fury and rage,
attacked and killed the landowner.
But their souls?
They went to the bottom of the ocean,
where they drifted in the cold, dark depths for eternity.
And the little boy who chose forgiveness?
He was sent to Heaven.
(wind howling)
You say this happened to a friend of yours?
It's a fable from the 16th century.
-How long did it take him? -How long did what take him?
The Vengeance Army panther thing.
How long did it take him to put that together?
It didn't really happen.
It's a morality story. It's not real.
♪ ♪
But it could be.
♪ ♪