[opening theme music playing]
-[wind blowing] -[motor cycle engine revving]
[Bean and Mora] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
[Mora] Watch out, Bean, a cliff!
Another cliff! Another cliff!
[Bean] It's easier if you think of it as one continuous cliff.
[both screaming]
Oh, blessed loneliness.
All is quiet,
save for the steady dripping cave noises that serve as my only friend.
-[water drips] -Drip.
-[water drips] -Drip!
-It's downright maddening! [screams] -[motor cycle approaching]
[tires screeching]
Sorry, Malfus.
Are you dead?
[sighing] Princess Biateanie!
It was foretold you would return with some kind of bodacious manatee.
-Who's that? -It's some guy, he foretells stuff.
And the prophecy says,
"She who has no vehicle insurance
must repay the handsome, old man
by cooking a feast and doing the dishes." Yes, that's it!
Mmm. This cave ape's actually good.
He was loyal and trusting to the very end.
I think his name was Frankie.
Ugh! Yeah, Malfus, thank you so much for the hospitality
and the not suing me, but we really gotta get a move on.
Yes, the first leg of your long, heroic quest.
It's not really a quest. We're going to rescue my dad.
An arduous personal journey with many difficulties,
from which you will return a new woman.
No, just a quick trip to grab my dad. Then back to Dreamland.
That's what you think, dearie.
There is much you don't know and skills you ain't got.
Here are a few spooky clues, though.
Your journey will be treacherous, but not always.
There will be some giggles along the way.
And for some reason, I'm seeing freckles on your ass.
Wow. He's good, Bean.
And it says here, you're going to be chazzed.
Whatever that means.
But above all, you must be ever vigilant, or…
Or what?
Or you'll kill the one you love.
Who are you talking about? Mora? Dad? Bunty?
Yes, I see someone slipping away right now.
Help! I'm slipping away.
[both yelping]
Hold on, hold on. Hang…
[water splashes]
Aye, watch out for the ice hole!
I should have foretold that.
[both screaming]
[Bean screaming] Oh, no!
-You know what I miss? Our motorcycle. -[sighs]
-We looked so good in those jackets. -So good.
[both gasps]
[both] Aw!
Hey, look, it's a ship! That's gonna take us to Steamland.
How can you be so sure?
[whispers] 'Cause we're gonna hijack it.
This ship is now under the command of Captain Bean!
-Respect the rank! -Or walk the plank!
Oh! That was good. That was really good.
Nice, crazy girl, you will make good swashbuckler.
But next time, kill first, blab later.
Oona! That's my stepmom.
This is Mora.
-Is girlfriend? -Or is…
[pirates] ♪ Gonorrhea, diarrhea, Syphilis, and pus ♪
♪ It's a pirate's strife for us ♪
[uneasy music playing]
[Oona] Last stop, Steamland. Goodbye, crazy girls.
[Bean] Bye, Oona. Thanks for the lift. And the rancid pork was delicious.
Wow! Is this our sick hideout?
Yeah. I killed that guy for it.
-He's in Hell now. -Cool.
So we gotta do something about that tail fin.
We either make you look like a whole woman, or one big fish.
I'm so sorry, what?
-No, no. I just meant, like… -Did you say…
I think we need to make you look like a whole woman or one big fish.
Those seem like our best options, right?
Okay. So, in the same sentence,
you're insinuating that I'm not a whole woman.
Uh…
I… I'm…
Are you not, though?
[gasps]
Isn't that insulting to the fish part?
I'm not trying to…
I'm sorry, I'm just taking a moment.
Because, yeah, if you're looking at me
just on the surface, yes, I could see how you'd think that.
But to not call me a whole woman…
To not see the multifaceted woman that I am…
I think I was thinking on the surface 'cause I was thinking visually, like,
we have to go out and portray you in a certain way
to, like, get through this that we're in right now,
this, like, scenario.
By calling me a big fish?
Uh… [sighs]
-Did I say that? -You said big!
I meant like… Uh… I mean, I guess it is. I mean I wasn't…
I guess it is a big fish, but not big, like, you're not big.
It's just like a… Like a large fish. You are not large!
Like, I love the way you look.
I just mean, like, in the ocean. You're not a goldfish.
Just stop talking. Let's go.
[bell ringing]
Okay, I need your extra-sharp mermaid senses
to find that alley that we saw my dad in.
Don't you have echolocation or something?
No, that's dolphins.
-But, yes, I do. -I knew it.
All right, keep your eyes out for that sign we saw
in Crown-O-Vision, "Awnsho."
What does that mean "Awnsho"? Have you ever been to an Awnsho?
No. But I know who we need to talk to.
[tires skid]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, it's like they took a nunnery and made it awesome.
Oh! Hello, Mora.
Hey, Goldie. Bean, write down the thing.
[Bean] What does this mean?
Come on, Goldie. You know this town.
Help us out, huh? For old times' sake?
Not so fast, Mora.
You think you can disappear for two years
and just flop back into my bar asking for stuff?
Come on.
You gotta sing for your supper.
By the way, supper's not included.
[suspenseful music playing]
The pawn shop is in the Stabbing District.
[feedback over mic]
-Hi, everyone. I am Mora. -[cheers and applause]
I actually used to wash dishes here.
So, feels really good to be back.
Ah! Okay, I'm a little rusty, but here we go.
[strumming guitar]
♪ They say that you're a drowner ♪
♪ And were parted by the sea ♪
♪ But I can keep you floating If you just hold on to me ♪
[rock music playing]
[audience cheering]
♪ Come on, jump in ♪
♪ Ocean's perfect, so are you ♪
♪ You can be a mermaid too ♪
♪ Dive down deep beneath the sea ♪
♪ We've got neutral buoyancy ♪
♪ 'Cause it's a mermaid orgy ♪
♪ An underwater mermaid orgy ♪
♪ Let's destroy the patriarchy It's an underwater mermaid orgy ♪
♪ Moonlit waters so warm And crystal clear ♪
♪ Our love is endless And time disappears ♪
♪ Kisses and caresses That last eternally ♪
♪ We can rest in peace in Dreamland If you don't let go of me ♪
♪ It's a mermaid orgy ♪
♪ Anything goes at the orgy ♪
♪ If you're hungry there's pierogi ♪
♪ At the underwater mermaid orgy ♪
♪ It's an orgy An underwater mermaid orgy ♪
♪ Time to say arrivederci To the underwater mermaid orgy ♪
[cheers and applause]
[screams]
Oh, my God. What was that?
Did you like it?
Yes, I… Yes!
We're out of here. You're a star. You're my star.
I guess she is why you never called.
Don't talk to her. She's with me.
-Who's that? Ow! -Bye.
Your song sucked!
Someone stole our pedicab?
[groans] What kind of heartless monster?
[gasps] A baby carriage! Perfect.
[tense music playing]
[kisses]
Gaze upon the body.
Gaze upon your own body, douchenozzle.
[rattling]
[Elfo grunts and groans]
Thank God I'm still wearing these snug rubber pants.
In the words of the Ancients,
a-one and a-two and away we goo.
[all gasps]
[crowd chanting] ♪ Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo ♪
[Elfo] What the hell?
♪ Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo ♪
♪ Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo… ♪
[screams]
[gasping]
[Elfo panting]
Don't follow me!
[Bean grunts] Awnsho.
I'm a goddamn genius.
But where's my dad?
Somebody that large and loud doesn't just disappear.
[electrical buzzing]
[man muttering]
Who's banging on the thing?
Sorry, we're all out of coconut bras today. We're closed.
Why's there an open sign in the window?
That's for sale.
That crown in the window. Who brought that in?
I don't divulge private information for less than say ten bucks.
We don't have any money, but could we try it on for fun?
Yeah, I see no problem with that.
Hmm.
-So long, sucker. [laughing] -What the…
Whee!
You owe me for the bullets too!
[both grunt and groan]
Stand back. I punch first, ask questions later.
-Ow! My forehead. -Ow! My fingers.
Wow. It worked.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Alva and his band of walking light bulbs.
They have names, Bean.
I forget them right now,
but I do know the answer to all your questions is behind this door.
And up 78 floors. Just press this red button.
[elevator whirring, squeaking]
[elevator thuds and dings]
[Zøg muttering]
-[Bean] Dad? -Oh! Beanie!
This bath is incredible.
I think I lost ten pounds in grime.
You're okay!
[whispers] What are you even doing in Steamland?
Well, I was trying to rescue Derek and Freckles and Bear Boy.
And you shall have Darlick and Freckles and Bellboy.
I have 22 hench-bots searching as we speak.
They won't stop until they recover your sons
or fall down the stairs.
Now, why don't we discuss all this over midnight supper?
I invented a machine that makes perfectly round meatballs.
Dad, you cannot trust this guy.
He just said he's got it handled.
Hey, take it from a guy with no idea what he's doing.
You should have seen me earlier. I was a mess.
Now take me to your meatballs.
-[Gordy] Tuck in, everyone. -[Zøg munching]
Ah! All gone.
Eight more meatballs, please.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven?
Say, Mora, have you tried your soup yet?
It's delicious. [whispers] And informative.
Uh, yeah. I can't read.
"Meet under table. Bean."
Listen. There's no time to waste.
-You can't read? -[whispers] Nope.
How'd you read the scripts for Squalid Squirrel?
I'm a lucky guesser.
Wait, what? Hold on. No. Stay down here. I want an explanation.
I can intuit how letters move through air and space.
Why couldn't you guess "Meet under table"?
Because it doesn't work in soup.
Ooh! You work on Squalid Squirrel?
[mimics Squalid Squirrel] I am Squalid Squirrel, fanboy. [laughing]
[gasps] I feel like swooning.
[in normal voice] Mora, do not fall for his creepy flattery,
and don't sign any merch.
I'm sure he's gonna sell it.
Sorry, we need to get out of here. We have so much rescuing to do.
Do not worry, Bean.
I'll have a status report on your lost ragamuffins shortly.
In the meantime…
Where are you going?
Now that we've nourished our bodies,
let's nourish our souls
with the anvil-based slapstick of Squalid Squirrel.
To the screening room!
I wouldn't wanna do that even if we had nothing else to do.
And we do.
Bean, let me have this.
I've never met a fan who can stay up this late.
What is this? Bean's Bean Dip?
I did not authorize you to use my image on this bean dip.
You signed the contract.
-I did not sign any contract. -Afraid you did.
-Chauncey was my witness. -A hench-bot.
He's also a notary.
Oh. Here we are.
-Ew, yuck. Quite the creepy collection. -Thank you.
Put that down! That's a valuable collectible.
The talking squirrel toy that terrified children ages two to five.
I found it at Squirrel Con.
Which reminds me, Mora, I've never seen you at the Con.
Please. I've already spent three years in a real freak show.
Fascinating insight.
Uh, no. Actually, it's not.
Now, if you all sit down… Bean. I have a real treat.
The elusive Squalid Squirrel lost episode.
That's right. It's Pounding my Nuts with a Mallet
In the early days of animation, film was so flammable,
they'd use it to start fires
whenever the animators threatened to unionize.
I can't believe I get to watch it holding hands with the Squalid Squirrel.
[Squalid Squirrel] Oh, Gosh. [normal] Wait, what?
[sighs in exasperation] Oh, my God.
If you have any drugs, take them now.
-[joyful music playing on video] -I'm Squalid Squirrel. [chuckles]
What a catchphrase!
Ugh! They made me say that 20 times, and then they used take one.
Will you shut up? The squirrel's gonna murder the dog.
See ya in Hell, ya goddamn son of a bitch. [laughing maniacally]
Secret laboratory. [groans]
A-ha! Ugh!
[suspenseful music playing]
Hmm.
[gasps]
Ha-ho, stience.
[electricity buzzing]
[gasps] What the hell?
And I thought Elfo was obsessed.
[joyful music playing on video]
Hey, I have a sudden idea.
How about you and I perform a spontaneous scene together?
[mimics Squalid Squirrel] What's that, fanboy?
It's just some silly fanfic
I've been just messing around with in my spare time.
Okey-dokey.
[in normal voice] I think.
[exhales sharply] Okay.
Squalid Squirrel, marry me. 'Cause Bean won't.
[mimics Squalid Squirrel] Oh! Gee. No. Sorry. That's impossible.
Uh, the first rule of improvisation is to always agree.
[suspenseful music playing]
-[electrical zapping] -[gasps]
[screams and gasps]
[yells] Help! I'm trapped!
Mmm.
Oh, Bean. Once again, we see that curiosity killed the cat.
But replace cat with "you"
and killed with "encased to exploit your magical properties."
[mumbling]
I'm going to open your mouth door now.
Please don't scream, or I'll close all the face doors.
Magic? No, no, no.
You are not getting your greedy fingers on my personal fingers.
We'll see about that.
I'm a stientist. [scoffs]
And I know how to leech the electricity I need from an object.
I am not an object.
Oh. No, no, no. I see what you're up to.
You wanna make me mad. To unleash my lightning.
Impressive.
You're not the bucktoothed bumpkin we all thought you were.
Annoying, aren't I?
Nice try.
These chompers have gotten me through a lot.
Mostly ropes.
It also looks like you comb your hair with them.
No. I can't say that. You're beautiful. And I wish you'd see my side of things,
but since you refuse, it's time to bring out the big guns.
Archdruidess?
Good luck staying calm around me.
[panting]
[Trøgs grunting]
[inhales air deeply]
[exhales sharply]
[Elfo] Don't follow me!
[Elfo screams]
Just a little conductive finger grease.
Interesting fact, also works on toes.
When I get out, I'm gonna kill you.
[gasps] Archdruidess, please do not fail.
You know I'm only doing this because I still love you, you beautiful bastard.
And I still love Bean.
But we can't always get what we want. Sorry.
You'll get a nice birthday bonus. When's your birthday?
Yesterday.
You'll have something to look forward to next year.
"You inherited more of your looks from your daddy than your mommy."
Doesn't seem to bother your boyfriend there.
He's all, like, "Oh, Bean. I love you."
"Let's invent a helicopter powered by love." Ha!
Yikes.
Okay. Take this.
"You grew up friendless."
I had… I had Bunty.
Bunty is a strident leftist revolutionary. She resents you, and your wealth.
"And while you think of yourself as queen of the people,
you're still spoiled and entitled."
And those big, stupid boots aren't groovy, they're pathetic.
That's kinda hurtful. [mumbles]
No. I am not gonna let you hurt me.
-I don't have to. -[groans]
You're your own worstest enemy.
Think about it.
Every single one of your problems, you've brought on yourself.
"You can barely hang on to the few good things you do get."
You think Mora the mermaid's gonna have the patience
to stick by a screw-up like you?
Bean, I know I have trouble reading the room.
But would you mind if I asked Mora out? She's very beautiful.
[growling]
[laughing] I knew it.
When it comes to controlling her anger, Bean's no better than Dagmar.
I am not like my mother! [screaming]
-[machine powering up] -It's working.
My infuriatingly mysterious plan is working.
Bean! He turned you into a bowling trophy?
Shut up, Zøg.
[gasps in disbelief] I remember you.
-Why, you! -[Mora grunts]
[groans]
[all grunting]
[groans] Hench-bots! Tyler. Alistair. Corbin. Dabney.
Where's Corbin?
Rupert. Skizz. And the rest, attack!
[grunts and groans]
[yelps]
It's too late now, Corbin.
[grunting]
None of this would be happening if you'd just stayed buried alive.
[honks]
Dad. Is that where your honking comes from?
-Uh-huh. -[grunts]
[grunting]
[machine turns off]
[dramatic music playing]
Hop on!
[both groans]
Bean. No!
[Bean] Set her down nice and easy on that train.
Archdruidess, pack my bags. I'm going on a voyage.
[Archdruidess mutters]
Oh, hench-head. There you are. Can you fit in the bag?
[panting]
Scruffles. You gotta hide me.
He's, like, uh, behind the throne.
[Elfo screams]
Hey, so, I got you something.
Ah! You stole this for me?
I would steal a million scary toys for you.
The universe is meaningless, and you're ugly too.
Don't pull that ring again.
Well, I got you something equally as thoughtful,
and equally as stolen.
[Bean] Uh.
[nervously] Oh! Thanks.
[man on PA] Last stop, Steamland Fun Pier. Ba-boop.
-Oh, no. Look down there. -[tense music playing]
Let's go already!
Do you see what I see?
-[Zøg] Freckles! -[Bean] Derek!
[Zøg] Bear Boy?
[Bean] And look what's coming soon.
[Zøg] Us?
[closing theme music playing]