[theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
[Bean grunts]
Welcome to your new home, Princess.
You're late. Put these on.
Morning miseries begin at 5:00 a.m.
Wow. I thought Hell was bad.
[bell tolling]
Oh, man, I'm late for morning prayers!
Come on, hurry up. Hide!
Relax, they'll never know I'm here.
[yells and grunts]
Sister Tiabeanie, you're late again!
Sorry, Mother Superior.
I didn't get a lot of sleep on account of my bed being a granite slab.
Granite? Why does she get the good slab?
Princesses always get the best slabs.
Guys, I did not ask for this. Come on.
You throw one little party and Vikings take over the kingdom.
Who hasn't been there?
[Luci] You have got to learn to read a room.
Sisters, do not be distracted by this heathen.
It's mealtime.
Our soup of the day is hot dog water, and for that, let us rejoice.
♪ I am bad and you are bad And we are bad together ♪
♪ Humanity's a wretched lot ♪
♪ ...wretched lot ♪
-♪ But God is slightly better ♪ -♪ God is slightly better ♪
Man, I'm gonna be humming that all day.
-[all slurp] -[slurps]
-[all slurp] -[Bean slurps]
Oh, my...
Who is angering God with their unholy slurping?
You're doing great. Slurp harder!
[slurps loudly]
What? It's good.
Sorry, I've lost track.
-What are we praying for now? -Oh, for...
We are praying, Sister Tiabeanie, that God might see fit to help the poor.
If you want to help them,
why not just melt this God guy down and pass him out like coins?
-Cut out the middle-man, right, guys? -[all gasp]
Blasphemer! How dare you bring logic into God's house?
Return to your slab!
Okay, sorry, sorry.
I don't know what's gotten into her.
[all gasp]
You know, I would have left willingly!
Oh, hello, Bean.
I've had Sorcerio work up a special effect so smoke comes out my ears when I yell.
Putting in the pellets, pouring in the vinegar.
Thinking about what I'm gonna say and...
[yells] Jeez, it burns! This is all your fault!
Daddy, please, I've learned my lesson.
I'll never throw a giant awesome party while you're away again.
Aw! Really?
And I promise to never have another drink.
You're drinking right now.
-Where did that come from? -[chuckles] You're welcome.
Sorry. I'm done threatening you.
You screwed up as a princess. You screwed up as a nun.
Those are the only two girl things I know.
You're a screwup, too. What about that tax on yelling that you had?
It came back to haunt me!
[coins jingling]
[chuckles]
-This ain't about my impulse control. -Or lack thereof, tubby.
[groans] That is it!
You're a pampered, irresponsible layabout!
Whatever. I'll be in the spa room getting a hot emerald massage.
[tuts] No, you don't, smart guy. 'Cause I'm banishing you from the castle.
You're a good-for-nothing and you're good at nothing.
And you ain't coming back 'til you appreciate
all the money I poured into yelling at you.
Fine. I can make it on my own. I don't need you. I don't need anyone.
Come on, guys.
[steam hisses]
Now it goes off?
Man, I can't believe Dad kicked us out.
I can't believe he called you a worthless, bucktoothed degenerate.
-He didn't say that. -Doesn't make it any less true.
Who cares what he thinks? I don't need my dad's approval.
Spoken like a true homeless teenager.
I used to be a princess, too.
What does Zog know anyway?
I'm probably good at so many things I just haven't tried yet.
You know what? This isn't so bad. No, no, no. This is actually good.
This is an opportunity to start fresh.
I told you strumpets to stay off me block. Oh, Your Highness.
Bunty? Why are you throwing trash out your window?
This isn't a window. This is our trash hole.
We're far too poor for windows.
We only just got a door when the horse ate the wall.
Didn't agree with him, though. Step around and come in.
[indistinct chatter]
[whistling]
Children, this is Princess Tiabeanie.
She's going to be staying with us until she realizes how good she has it.
-Hello. -Hello.
No, I couldn't impose, Bunty.
It'd be taking precious food out of the mouths of your kids.
Rubbish. We never turn away a hungry soul.
We've got this pot of stew here, and we can always add another cat. Mmm.
-[baby cooing] -Whee! [chuckles]
Wait, what are you doing?
Pig milk for the runty ones.
[Elfo] Mmm, mmm.
You sure we can stay, Bunts?
No worries. There's plenty of room since Allison went to a better place.
-Oh. -No, she went to Twinkletown.
-Ah. -Where she was ripped apart
by street dogs.
-Oh. -They were puppies.
Aw.
Shame, though. She were only nine years old,
just a year from retirement.
-She had a job? -They all got jobs.
I'm a midwife. Excuse me for a moment.
Oh!
[crying]
Uh-uh. If you can cry, you can work.
Oh, my God, jobs. That's what people do all day!
All right. Well, I'm off to get my first job, guys.
What's minimum wage around here?
Two lashings an hour.
Gotta start somewhere. Elfo, you coming? [Elfo] Nah, I kinda got my pants full over here.
More pow-pow on the bum-bum, please.
-[sheep bleating] -Just remember,
this job is easier than it looks.
Okay, guys, listen up. I'm gonna try out my sheep call on you.
-[howling] -[sheep bleating in fear]
No, wait, come back!
[Bean howling]
Well, at least you kept them together.
Every time I turn my head away, something bad happens.
[crashing]
[Bean] What was that noise?
-Whew. I'm a good butcher. -This is a pet shop.
This isn't working out. Maybe I really am a good-at-nothing.
Good-for-nothing.
[groans] Even that.
[Elfo] Bean, don't feel bad. Sometimes being an adult
just means accepting that things take time. [burps]
Ooh, I would not kiss me right now.
I wouldn't worry about that.
I'll never find a place to fit in.
I'm just gonna crawl back to my dad 'cause I'm a loser who can't keep a job.
Hey, if you're gonna crawl back, can I ride you like a horse?
All right.
-[Luci] Giddy-up, Bean! -Whoa, there.
My apprentice has gone missing under mysterious circumstances,
but instead of looking for him, I could just hire you.
It's a real time-saver.
I don't know, Stan. I'm not really good at anything.
Do you like short conversations with interesting people?
I guess.
Great. I hope you don't mind wearing a uniform.
Well, we best be heading to work. [laughs]
That's an executioner joke.
You'll hear all of them in the first 15 minutes,
then it's basically just human tragedy.
[whistling]
I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry.
You know, in Hell, I was a communications major.
This is the thumb screw. Whoa-ho!
This is the rack. Whoa!
And this is the iron maiden, and this is the book of golf jokes.
"My wife says I play too much golf
so I decided to make a change. I got a new wife."
[moans]
"After seeing my golf score,
my caddy gave me one great piece of advice. Take up tennis."
No! I beg you!
Since this is your first day, we'll keep it simple.
Torture this guy a little then get him his last meal.
Oof. Um, this looks... Yikes.
You know, I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's do the meal part first.
-I could eat. -Great. What are we having?
It's your last meal. Choice is yours.
Ooh. Uh, stew.
Hmm. No, I had stew yesterday.
-Okay, uh, chicken. -Fried or roasted?
I was thinking roasted.
Um...
-[stammers] All right, fried? -I... [sighs]
-Well, what do you want? -Oh, I don't care. It's your last meal.
Fine, fine. Steak. I want steak for my last meal. Okay?
-All right. I could do steak. -[sighs in relief]
Actually, I'm sorry. That's just so heavy, you know?
You know what? Maybe stew. Stew? [screaming]
-Wow. You're a natural. -Really?
-Oh, yeah. -Don't leave me alone with her!
I guess I am.
[cackling]
[yelps]
I've captured the witch who abducted those people in the woods,
way back to the Hansel and Gretel cold case.
Good work bringing her in alive and unharmed.
We'll chop her head off this afternoon.
[cackling]
Everybody have fun at work today. Alfred, don't suck on your pickax.
Mining makes me nervous.
[exhales] Now it's just me and the wee ones.
So I'm thinking a little light powdering and then maybe nap time?
Oh, I've got something special for you.
You do? Aw, that's so nice... What the hell?
Let's not overdo the baby thing, now. [slurps] This is made of wood!
[in baby voice] Baby doesn't like playtime?
Wisten, wady... [groans] I mean, listen, lady.
It was okay when I was taking things a little too far.
Aw, baby's cranky. Baby does need a nap.
[lid slams, locks click]
This is no kinda place for a grown-ass elf.
So I gotta know,
is that whole flying broom thing just an old wives' tale?
Like how people expect me to kiss frogs and talk to birds? [yelps]
[cackles]
Okay, or you're just a crazy old witch.
But maybe that isn't what you wanted to be.
Plus, there can't be that many opportunities
for older women who like to cackle. Is that it?
[cackling]
[sighs] Are you crazy or under a curse?
[cackling]
Maybe both.
-[bones crack] -Oh! Me back!
Oh, nothing a few days on the rack won't cure.
Oh, that's the stuff. [inhales sharply] Oh, yes!
[inhales sharply and moans]
Guess I won't be chopping off any heads today.
Looks like you got a reprieve.
[Stan] No, looks like you got a promotion. You're the executioner today.
Oh, wee one, there's no escape from the fun cage.
-[Elfo grunts] -Come back, Baby Elfo!
I'm not a baby. I'm a toddler.
[Bunty] Baby Elfo!
Blood ponchos! Get your blood ponchos!
Can't stand in the splash zone without a blood poncho!
This is all happening so quick. I'm really nervous. What do I do?
For starters, you should have put on the black hood before coming out.
Now everyone knows who you are.
[chuckles] Rookie mistake. Oh, dear.
[sighs]
I'm not sure I can do this. I've never killed anyone before.
-[clears throat] -Who wasn't trying to kill me first.
Or bother me. Or marry me.
Bean, you're a natural. And I've seen you torture.
Just think of this as torture, but with a big, splattery finish.
Now get out there and let's see some gore.
I'll be right here with you, okay? If you get nervous, just look into my eye.
[screaming]
[laughing]
[gasps]
My little girl. All grown up and choppin' heads.
And all it took was some loving banishment.
[babies crying]
[panting] No, not the woods. People go in there and never come back.
Remember, run between the trees!
[exhales] I'm just gonna lie down.
[herald] And that concludes the warm-up entertainment.
Let's hear it for Gary the Grabass.
[crowd applauding halfheartedly]
And now, the main event.
Please put your hands together in prayer
for the people-snatching witch!
[crowd hooting and cheering]
[clears throat] Hello? Everybody?
-[man 1] Cut off her head! -[woman] Come on, kill her!
[man 2] What's the holdup?
This is a goddamn solemn occasion, so shut the hell up, all right?
[Luci] Take off your shirt!
You guys, have some compassion and respect here.
This poor woman is nervous. She's shaking, she's sweating.
This is the first time she's ever been killed.
Give her a break, okay?
She's talking about herself.
I'm sorry, I guess I have to chop your head off now.
Do you have any last words?
You could apologize. Maybe then the king would pardon you.
Don't bother. I can't hear nothin'.
Come on, this is it.
At least give us something to remember you by.
As long as it's not--
[cackling]
What is wrong with you?
It's like you want me to chop your head off.
Help a sister out.
Stay sharp, son. It might go foul.
You can do it, Bean. Just use the force. Centrifugal force.
Hey, choppa, choppa. Swing, choppa.
That's my little girl, everyone. Murdering that hag.
Daddy, why is she going so slow?
I'm watching the same execution as you, son. I don't know.
I can't.
[crowd] Aw!
This is the worst field trip ever.
I misspoke, Bean. You know how I said you were a failure and a quitter?
I forgot one more thing. You're also a loser.
Make way for the loser.
Coming through. Here she is.
Failure slash quitter slash loser. The triple-threat.
[laughs] There she goes.
Every time that girl gets a little responsibility,
somebody winds up alive.
Well, that's it, I guess. There's no place for me in Dreamland.
I've hit the bottom of the barrel. [sighs]
Move along! You're bad for business.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for the high-pressure lifestyle of the big city.
It's not for everybody. Me-flavored water, 15 cents.
Come taste my knees, 15 cents.
I suck. The only thing I'm good at is sitting on this rock and crying.
[crying]
[gasps]
I ain't no rock and I've heard better crying.
[moans] Just bury me alive next to these elf tracks.
-Where do you think he was going? -Who?
Well, we can add detective to the list of things you're bad at.
There's only one elf in town.
Oh! Elfo! His tracks lead right toward that tree.
[Luci sniffing]
It looks like he turned away at the last second,
then hit this other tree.
Then he cried, kicked that rock, hopped around in pain,
then stomped angrily down this trail,
where this demented squirrel stole his shoe.
[snarling]
[Elfo] Whoa.
Hi. Elfo. And you are?
Amused by your wittle twousers.
If you're referring to my nappy, it's actually war pants.
Well, I should probably get back to battle.
[yelping and grunting]
Ah!
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
-[yells] -Looks like we have a window licker.
Come, the candy inside tastes much better. Less bird droppings.
-He's Hansel. -Und she's Gretel.
So Gretel and Hansel?
[in German] Nein, Hansel und Gretel!
[in English] Please, come in.
[in German] Schnell!
Mmm, wow. Good cocoa.
Yeah, buttery mouthfeel, good viscosity.
Do I detect some kind of mallow? I wanna say marsh.
Oh, you must have excellent taste.
[both snickering]
Don't give away the game. When Germans laugh, people get nervous.
Can I do the thing about having him for dinner?
That's fine. He's a dummkopf. It doesn't matter.
Let's fatten him up!
He's looking at us, so I'm going to stop whispering now.
You say you come from the land of candy?
Then you must love peppermint swirlies und chocolate logs und sugarplums.
Und none of them are dusted mit sleeping powder.
Mmm. [chuckles]
I'll tell you, if I lived here, I'd probably eat the whole place.
[chuckles] I don't know how you stop yourselves.
Oh, we're more meat eaters now.
Oh! All that candy made me so tired. I'm just gonna lay down in this pan.
He might as well just pour butter on himself. He is!
I'm confused. Does he want to die?
No, I just don't want to stick.
Hey. Hey, let me out.
I'll show you where me pot o' gold is.
Maybe he is a leprechaun. He's dancing a jig.
No, he's just boiling.
[Elfo screaming]
Judging from the height of these tongue marks,
this house has recently been licked by an elf.
First that little guy, now you two? [chuckles]
Has anyone else come by here today?
No, no, no. But come in. Make yourself casserole.
I mean, comfortable.
[sighs] You're just in time for supper.
Do you like ham? This is like ham, but it's not ham.
How cute. It looks like a little monkey all roasted up with onions.
Ja. It does, but it's not. Eat.
[swallows] Hmm. I like this, but as a friend.
Whatever it is, it's delicious.
Oh, my God! [crying]
You served me Elfo?
I thought I didn't like him.
Don't be a dummy bear. Elf is dessert meat. It's still cooking.
-Ow! -Help, help!
I'm allergic to apples!
-Elfo! Don't worry, I'll get you-- -[Luci] Bean! Achtung!
Oh. "Make yourself casserole." Now I get it.
[groans] Never send a princess to do a demon's job.
[grunting]
God, what did they marinate you in, man? It smells out of this world.
[muffled grunting]
I'll save you, sister.
[breathing heavily]
[groans] Stop it with the tongues.
The blow pop! It's gonna--
[both giggling]
[Bean grunts] Caramel strips?
[Hansel and Gretel giggling]
[screaming]
[yells]
[grunting]
[giggling echoes]
[Hansel] This is like ham,
but it's not ham.
[giggling echoes]
Okay, guys? Okay.
All right, the creepy laughter has to stop before we can have a real conversation.
Guys, give yourselves up.
Everyone will understand why you went crazy
after the witch imprisoned you for so many years.
[Gretel] Oh, we were crazy long before we met the witch.
[Hansel] We ate our parents.
And then the witch kidnapped you?
[Hansel] Nein, she adopted us und gave us candy, but not enough.
So we tied her to the sink and started eating people.
Bean! Behind you.
-Bean, kill him. Do not wuss out. -I don't think I can.
Gretel, no! We were supposed to grow old together and eat a family.
[Luci growling]
[cackling]
Hey! Whoa. Hey! Whoa. Words! The curse is lifted.
[laughing]
There's my real laugh.
Bean, look at me. Don't look at me, look at the corpses.
You did it. You finally killed someone, intentionally. I am so proud of you.
It was self-defense.
Don't be modest. You killed these mentally ill siblings fair and square.
And I got roasted alive. I guess we all did our part.
[Bean] As rewarding as it is to kill people,
nothing feels better than sparing the life of one innocent person.
You saved my life and rid me of that awful curse.
It's been a horrible ordeal.
But my one solace is knowing I can return to my beautiful candy home.
And spend my remaining years tending to my twin sister who lives in the attic.
Or, um, you could do something else. [chuckles]
Traveling is fun, too. Right?
-Bye-bye, now. It was Elfo's fault. -[crowd gasps]
[herald] And now, the main event!
Princess Tiabeanie, step forward.
For outstanding bravery, foresight and wisdom,
I hereby award myself this medal for the extraordinary parenting
that turned you from a worthless, bucktoothed degenerate
to a ruthless executioner with a beautiful smile.
-I'm proud of you, Beanie. -Really?
Not that you care what I think.
Yeah, I'm kinda cool that way. Thanks, Pops.
Mention my buckteeth again
and I'll use them to bite out your spinal cord.
[Zog] That's my girl.