[theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
Bean, it's really you.
Yes, Mom, it's... it's me. I grew.
Mostly my teeth.
You... You were turned to stone.
My God! And you freed me? Bean, I...
[crying]
I... I can't believe you're back.
This is all so crazy.
[stammers] I can't really believe that you're alive and Elfo is dead.
I had to choose between... I had to choose you. [sighs]
Oh, there, there. Don't cry, darling. Mommy's here now.
Wow. I feel better already.
What do you call this?
Affection.
Hey. Who goes there?
[Bean] Princess Tiabeanie and Queen Dagmar!
Oi, you havin' a bit of a laugh?
Princess Bean is always drunk at this hour, and you ain't even slurring!
And Queen Dagmar? [laughs]
She's been dead for years.
No, but I haven't eaten in over a decade, so hurry up and open the gate.
[gasps] Your Majesty...
[screams]
I deserve this fate for doubting you!
Ah, that unforgettable stench of manure and boiling cabbage.
There's cabbage?
[shrieks] The ghost of Queen Dagmar!
Is it really you?
Bunty. Still adorably dim, I see.
Dim as the day is long, Your Majesty.
Stop poking the royal tit, dear.
[indistinct chatter]
Sorcerio, Odval.
I can't believe my eyes.
Dad! Dad! You're not gonna believe this! Open up!
[groaning] Come on...
Whoa! Holy mother of Bean.
Is it really you?
Why don't you kiss me and find out?
Whoa.
I've been dreaming of this moment for 15 years.
Look at you. You haven't changed a bit.
[chuckles]
And you. You've only got bigger...
[stammers] Better.
[chuckles]
I was so sad about losin' ya, I turned to food for solace.
But you're back!
Let's throw a huge feast!
I don't need all that attention, sweetheart.
I'll arrange for something small and tasteful.
[crowd cheering and applauding]
[crowd] Dagmar!
Incredible.
All that malarkey with the magic elf blood actually paid off.
It took all season, but it did.
And by season, I mean fall or summer, or whatever this is.
[herald] Hear ye, hear ye!
Returning to the court for the first time in 15 years,
once a statue, now statuesque, it's the dagmarvelous Dagmar!
[all cheering and applauding]
The long wait is over.
Your wonderful queen has arrived.
Aw, aren't you sweet, darling?
[all gasp]
Thank you for your kind gasps.
It's wonderful to... [gasps]
Uh, ladies, it's gonna be okay.
Odval, explain how it's gonna be okay.
I'll begin with an introduction.
Queen Oona of Dreamland, meet Queen Dagmar...
Also of Dreamland.
The cotton candy shop called.
They want their hair back.
[door closes]
Really, I only married her to get the canal built.
How practical.
Yeah, real practical.
She also gave me a son, so now, I finally got an heir to the throne!
Also practical.
And you allowed that amphibian to raise my precious Tiabeanie?
No, no, no. I was mostly raised by Bunty.
And a bunch of friendly drunks down at the pub.
They taught me the fine art of stabbing.
Believe me, I kept her on the straight and narrow.
Uh, when I had time.
Dad tried for years to find the Elixir of Life.
We searched the entire world.
Good men died to bring you back, baby.
Yeah, like Elfo, my best friend.
Aw, that sweet, poor little bastard with the funny head.
I'm gonna miss him.
Sounds to me like he deserves a marvelous funeral.
Great idea.
I'll get someone to fish him out of the corpse pit.
[bell tolling]
[bagpipes playing
You know, I'm gonna miss that Elfo.
He watered my plants while I was in rehab.
[honk]
Hey, Tess, what happened to your eye?
Oh, I had to stop using the eye.
It's just too painful seeing the truth all the time.
Ah, that's why humans tend to avoid it.
The procession left without me.
Oh, that's too bad.
I blame myself 'cause I didn't even notice.
The queen's place is at the side of the king.
Oh, Queen Oona. Of course. This is terribly awkward.
Please, take my spot. I'll find another place to sit.
Mmm, that's better.
Yeah, sure. Both of yas with me.
Plenty of Zog to go around.
Beanie, make with the eulogy already.
[sighs] Okay, here we go.
Elfo and I had only been friends for a few months,
but they really were the best months of my life.
Even though much of his time was spent
as the subject of barbaric medical experiments...
She's talking about me.
...he changed the way I looked at things.
In a kingdom of talking cats and enchanted pigs and hooker fairies,
Elfo grounded me in reality.
I'm really, really going to miss him.
Rest in peace, buddy.
Sorry they had to bury you in this aquarium.
[grunts] After the king goes the queen!
Sorry, Queen Oona. I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.
For the last time, they are not feathers. I am not bird-type!
[crowd gasps]
You will respect me!
You are not the queen. You are reanimated corpse!
How dare you!
[both grunt]
[all] Queen fight! Queen fight! Queen fight!
Your Highness, do something.
Ladies, ladies! Come on!
I'm much more embarrassed than I am aroused.
[all gasp]
Elfo! No!
There, there. He's with the crabs now.
Mom! Oh, my God, are you okay?
You know what, Oona? You're insane!
Why don't you just get out of here?
[Oona growls]
Ha! I foresee trouble in someone's future.
You're going to have to choose, sire.
You can't have two queens.
[groans] I can't just tell one of 'em to get lost.
Dagmar is the love of my life.
And Queen Oona is the mother of Derek, the heir to the throne.
Oh, nonetheless, she is quite unpopular in the kingdom.
We've gotten dozens of complaints about her late-night howling.
If we disgrace Oona, it could mean war with Dankmire.
Queen Oona has outlived her usefulness.
I don't think anyone would care if she were to vanish.
[hisses]
We will see who is going to vanish.
I had Odval clear my schedule, so we got the whole night to ourselves.
Oh, darling. So ambitious.
[Luci] Excuse me. Pardon me. Cat with a ball.
Bean, you poor baby!
What a horrific day you've had.
Let's have too much wine and forget about it all.
Hey, I thought we were gonna have wine and forget stuff.
Dad, come on!
This is my first chance to have a conversation with a parent
without half of it being muttered under their breath.
[mutters] What is this, some kinda slam against me? Well, okay.
[Luci grunts]
Kick me out... Why, I oughta... [continues muttering]
I can't believe I'm reduced to talking to you.
Hey, the feeling is mutual, but here we are.
So, how did you... Oona!
Hey, sweetie, wait! Let's talk. [panting]
Damn. Well, it's gonna be another long, lonely night.
Good night, Vip. Good night, Vap.
[screams] Don't sneak up on a guy...
Oh, wait. [chuckles] Nothing to be scared of.
Ooh, silly me. It's just a statue of Pendergast...
that I've never seen before.
Sculpted in a bizarre and unlikely pose. Huh.
Oh, well. Who can say what passes for art these days? [chuckles]
I had them make brunch for us.
All your favorites: poached dodo eggs, unicorn bacon and waffles.
How thoughtful, but Bean and I are going riding.
Okay. Be safe, darling. [kisses]
Wub you, snuggums!
Ugh, have some dignity, man.
You're the king, not some lovelorn old fool.
How did you get like this?
You really wanna know?
Then pour a drink, light a cigar and hand 'em both to me.
I was known as Zog the Warrior Prince.
Had enough?
Uh, yup. I'm good. [groans]
[Zog] My older brother Yog, who'd been next in line for the throne,
-was mysteriously poisoned. -[choking]
[Zog] So the crown was mine, but I was no ruler. I was a fighter.
Fighting, competing, winning.
That was all I wanted to do...
[crowd cheering and applauding]
[Zog] ...until I laid eyes on her.
A noble's daughter from a far-off land,
and she was all I'd ever wanted.
Our life together was perfect,
and it only got perfecter
-when our one and only child came along. -[Bean babbles]
She's got her father's nose.
Nice grip.
[Zog] But then came that fateful night.
After my brother was poisoned, I'd been so careful,
but as time went on, I was so happy, I just sorta forgot.
I'm afraid the taster is late, sire,
but I've brought up a bottle from the cellar.
The seal is unbroken.
No, no, Beanie. That's not for you. [chuckles]
God knows, as my daughter, you'll have plenty when you're older.
Come, Zoggy. Make a toast.
Gwapes!
To our little family.
No! Oh, no!
-Please, not her. No! -[Dagmar] Bean?
The poison had been meant for me,
but because Bean had switched the glasses, I lived,
and my beloved Dagmar was turned to stone.
Now, I poured my heart out to you.
You tell me, how'd you get to be a talking cat?
You keep shoveling waffles in your mouth while I think of an answer. [vocalizing]
This is where I come to clear my head, or to sleep it off.
[sighs] I can't believe it's hardly changed at all.
You know this place?
I used to come here when I needed a minute for myself.
Your father, bless him, but his voice does carry.
How cool that we both come up here!
Tell me something else that you like.
-Well, I love the smell of wet grass. -Me, too!
Oh, how funny. We're so alike! All right, favorite food on three.
One, two, three.
-Beer! -Beer!
-Oh, my baby. Are you thirsty? -Always.
Off to the pub.
I fear my days are numbered.
We will send a message to Dankmire, of the utmost urgency.
[turkey clucking]
Not a word of this to anyone. The royal family would not approve.
Bah! To hell with them!
Zog will pay. Dagmar will pay! Tiabeanie will pay!
They will all pay!
I have to warn the princess.
Oh, come on, Martin, you twit. Aim!
I love how you already know everyone. It's almost like you were never away.
Almost.
I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, Bean.
I know you've had some difficult years.
Bad shot, mate!
I'm sure your father tried.
He got my best friend killed.
Yes, well, I said "tried."
Throw the bloody thing, Wayne!
As I was saying,
your father did all he could, but a girl just needs her mother.
I know.
Man, you have no idea how much I've missed you.
I am so glad to have you back.
And I'm not going anywhere without you, Bean.
Remember that.
[slurring] Hey, hey, Bunty, can you steer my stumbles
in the direction of the bed?
I just need... Is... I know...
All right, I know you're still in shock that my mom is back.
I'm in shock, too. I mean, it is shocking.
It is shocking.
But, hey, hey, hey, Bunts...
Here's the thing. Here's the positive thing here,
is you won't have to do as much
'cause she'll be here to hold my hair back and stuff.
You know? You know what I mean?
Bunts?
What are you doing?
[gasps]
Oh, man. Oh, man!
You gotta help me! Please!
Bunty has been turned to stone, and I just...
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[gasps]
[screaming]
We have to do something. Now!
Any one of us could be next.
Women aren't permitted to address the council.
But you're the only one in here!
Then it's unanimous.
Shut up, will ya?
Ah, I should've done something earlier, but now, I got no choice.
I have to take action.
I hate action!
But against whom, sire?
It's gotta be Oona.
She's finally snapped after years of us being dicks to her.
Any attack against Queen Oona
would be seen as an act of war on Dankmire.
A war you'd have to fight with most of your cabinet turned to stone.
Zog was the greatest warrior Dreamland has ever seen.
You dare question his fitness for battle?
Not at all.
Only the wisdom of proceeding without a strategy for--
My clothes are really heavy.
Can we have this conversation sitting down?
[sighs] You know what? Never mind.
Zoggy, you have to. Before she comes after one of us.
We can't let our family be ripped apart again.
[Derek] "More tea, General?"
"Why, certainly, my good man."
Father! To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?
So, listen, son.
Your mother and I, we've been having some, um...
difficulties lately,
and I'd like to lock you in the tower until we sort things out.
All right. But you'll come get me later?
Sure. Once we work things out, whoever survives will come and get you.
Okay, but I'm still having nightmares about that big skillet.
We couldn't find Oona anywhere, sire.
I'm afraid we made the mistake of trusting her.
She could get any of us at any moment.
We gotta split up and search for her.
Hmm, I have a better idea.
Go ahead, sire. Don't ask about my fourth eye!
Almighty ball, is Oona still in Dreamland?
-"Yes." -[all gasp]
Wait, its answers are often cryptic. Is Queen Oona in the castle?
"The danger is near."
Let me try.
Where is--
[screams]
Enough! No more time for parlor tricks.
We've got to protect ourselves. I'll watch Bean.
And we'll track down Oona.
I'll use my skills as a hunter and Odval will use his diplomacy
to stab her with a broom handle.
Follow me, darling. We'll be completely safe up here.
Wow. Does Dad even know about this room?
No. It's called the library.
Huh. So, what was going on here?
Neat trick.
Then what happened?
[tape rewinds]
Let me try. Where is--
[screams]
Whoa.
Can we try running it back a little further?
Actually, a lot further?
[tape rewinds]
You can rest easy now and get some fresh air.
I used to spend many nights up here,
watching the stars, the moon, the neighbors.
Mom? That's never happened before, the thing with my fingers... As you reach maturity, you will notice many more changes.
Duh. I already know.
This isn't a sex talk.
Oh. What kind of talk is it?
There are some things you need to know about yourself, Bean.
Oh, my!
[Zog] The old castle mental ward.
[Odval] Someone left the door open.
-Hey. -[both scream]
Oona, is that you? I missed you so much, baby.
Quick, Odval, stab her in the neck!
[chuckles] Calm down.
I've got something real for you to freak out about.
Dude, the truth has been right under your nose the whole time,
but you were too in love to see it.
Show us what happened here.
Okay, now let's take it back about 15 years.
[tape rewinds]
To our little family.
No! Oh, no!
-Please, not her. No! -[Dagmar] Bean?
Incredible.
It's exactly as I remembered it.
Except, this time, watch from over here.
[tape rewinds]
...but I've brought up a bottle from the cellar.
The seal is unbroken.
Dagmar?
She poisoned the wine?
But if Bean hadn't switched the glasses around, I'd be--
Uh-huh. Out there in the garden with pigeons crapping on your head.
More so than usual.
But I devoted my life to her. I...
How could she?
Looks like she's been keeping quite a few secrets from you, my man.
[Zog] What the... A movable knickknack nook?
[growls]
The thing about your father, Tiabeanie, is that he wants to change you.
I want you as you were born to be.
What was I born to be? Mom?
Damn small print. This had better be the right one.
[door opens]
Oh!
[Zog] You.
The only woman I ever loved.
Do you know what I did for you? What I gave up to get you back?
[sighs] Elfo, I just wish I could see you one last time.
[panting]
You know, we could've just gone to marriage counseling.
This goes way beyond you and me, dear.
It is a dark battle of a hundred centuries and our daughter's destiny.
Not if I can help it.
[Zog grunting]
Come on!
Huh? What is that? Goo?
Yikes!
Summon the army! This kingdom is under attack!
By a ruthless enemy who will stop at nothing. My wife!
-[soldier] Which one? -I do know how to pick 'em, don't I?
[Dagmar] We must go, darling. Quickly. The attack has begun.
What? Whose attack?
I'm afraid it's Oona. She is coming for us. For you.
For me?
You, and you alone, are the key to the future of this kingdom.
All you need is my guidance.
Really?
Sire, we've rallied the troops. Get out. Run! Save yourself.
From what?
[all screaming]
[man] Oh, no.
I should be the one killing everyone.
I should be the one creeping everyone out.
[gasps] You!
-[Luci yelps] -[pop]
[all screaming]
[stammering] Wait, this is... this is just... It's a lot.
I know, sweetie. This way.
What did you mean when you said, "The future of this kingdom"?
Are you saying I'm some kind of hero?
They're such relative terms, aren't they, darling?
Hero and villain? One step up.
-I didn't say "villain." -[Dagmar grunts]
[Bean screaming]
Mom, what did you do that for?
It was the only way to get you to stop talking. Now swim for that ship.
Welcome aboard, Queen Dagmar and Princess Tiabeanie.
Mom, what are these creatures, and why are they looking at me that way?
Bean, you have so much to learn and many wonderful things to see.
Set sail! For the homeland and a glorious future!
[sighs]
I guess the only bright side is, now I got nothing left to lose.
[groans]
[splash]
Except the thing that says I'm a king!
Ah, come on!