[theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
Oh, my subjects, my servants,
my supper!
Damn you, Dagmar!
Bean! Wake up! It's me, Oona!
Ugh! Teeny-agers!
[yelps]
[muffled screaming]
[Dagmar] Look what we caught.
I can't stand bottom-feeders.
Toss her back, but this time make sure she stays on the bottom.
[both grunting]
[Oona] Bean!
[screams]
[sighs]
[screams]
Bean? Are you all right?
Mom, I was having a nightmare.
Then I realized everything I love
has been turned to stone and my life is in ruins.
Oh, darling, we had no choice but to leave Dreamland.
Oona would have stopped at nothing.
I guess you're right. I just wish I still had my friends.
Everything will be okay. Let's just get your strength back.
Wow. That's the best soup I've ever had.
It's whisky.
[Oona] Is death, or is?
[Dagmar] Hello, Luci.
Don't close the door. I'm afraid of the dark.
Dagmar, no! I love you?
[exclaims]
You're going to fall in love with Maru. It's such a wonderful place.
And you'll finally get to meet the rest of the family.
Family?
[people applauding]
Oh, glorious day! Welcome back, Dagmar.
And Tiabeanie,
you're so much lovelier in the flesh.
Bean, meet your uncle and aunt, my brother, Cloyd, and my sister, Becky.
Rebecca. I go by Rebecca now.
Hello, Bean. Welcome home.
I have an aunt and an uncle?
Does that mean I have cousins my age I can hang out with?
No, we don't care for children.
[door creaking]
Ugh. What the devil's happened here this past 20 years?
This hallway was once lined with servants waving fans.
Now, there's just a man smashing bugs with a hammer!
Oh. Aw.
Hey!
Oh, that's just Jerry and his pet hammer.
Jerry, of course. I remember when he was just a little lunkhead.
Aim where they're going to be, Jerry, not where they are.
Ah. [chuckles]
This is your family home. You're free to explore.
Cool. What's behind that door?
None of your business, nosy!
Come, you must be tired from all these questions.
-Show her to the sleep chamber. -[Gomer grunts]
It's kinda creepy in here.
Would you mind sleeping with me tonight, Mom?
Of course not, darling. It's my old bedroom.
Did I say creepy? I meant cozy.
[gasps] Oh! My old clothes!
Bean, I know you're partial to that,
but we left in such a hurry,
perhaps we could take one of my lovely dresses
and butcher it into something you'd wear?
Thanks, Mom, but I'm not real into bows.
These are moths, actually.
Hmm.
Whoa. I do not wanna picture my mom in this.
You won't be needing to. That's mine.
I can explain. Well, goodnight.
If you need anything, just ring.
There's no clapper.
That's okay, these rooms are soundproof anyway. Sleep well.
-[Dagmar] Goodnight, Gomer. -[Gomer grunts]
So, Cloyd and Becky aren't very affectionate, are they?
Oh, Bean, don't be absurd. They love you as much as I do.
Mom, this is all so new and weird and freaky.
I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight.
This is what I used to do when you were little.
-Now, it's just annoying. -[shushing] Shut up.
[shushing] Shut up.
Do you remember what I'd whisper to you when you were little,
right before you drifted off?
[whispers] You will be the greatest woman this goddamn kingdom has ever seen.
Mom, how can I be great
when I did something so awful to my friend?
Elfo died.
Oh, baby, that wasn't your fault. It was destiny.
Now, go to sleep.
Go the hell to sleep.
[Dagmar snoring]
[Bean sighs]
[grunts and stops snoring]
This is good. This is comfortable.
-Whoa! -We thought you might need a blanket.
And a soothing goon to mutter you to sleep.
[shushing]
[Bean] How did they know I needed a blanket?
[shushes] Shut up.
Wow, Maru is so exotic.
It's a whole different type of bleak and desperate than Dreamland.
The difference is there's real beauty and magic here.
You just have to look beyond the rabid goats and unsalted pretzels.
Whoa! A fire-breather!
-That's just a wino, darling. -[wino burps]
Well done, Luci. Your mission is complete.
Wait! I haven't fully corrupted Bean yet. I got big plans.
It's all about betrayal, blackmail, backstabbing. The stuff you love!
Enough of your sweet talk.
Jerry, put him in a specimen jar and stick him in the basement.
[Luci exclaiming]
[gurgles]
Beeoo-woop!
No, no, no! Let me out!
Unless you wanna shake me again. That was fun.
[Dagmar] Bean, I want you to fall in love with this country.
You father and I fought about it.
-He never wanted you to come here. -Why not?
Zog never trusted my brother and sister.
Seeing how they mismanaged our empire, he may have been right.
They are kinda odd,
but that's no reason to keep me from half my family.
Well, and because every other generation
seems to have a propensity for murderous insanity.
Did I ever mention?
That's how my parents died,
-double murder-suicide. -[gasps]
But Cloyd and Becky aren't crazy, they're eccentric.
Your father was just paranoid.
Then, ironically, not paranoid enough about his own second wife,
but we all have our blind spots.
-[gasps] Watch out! -[hisses]
-Messenger viper. -[coughs]
Oh. It's Cloyd and Becky.
I'm sorry, sweetie, I must go. But keep having fun, okay? Kiss, kiss.
Yeah, don't worry about me.
I'm great at finding things to do.
So, snake, which way to the nearest bar?
Okay, I need you to wear this cap and be a lot more peppy,
and I need you to jump in with snarky yet philosophical quips.
-Got it? -[meows]
All right, keep working on it, Nuevo Elfo.
New Luci, that's progress.
Okay. Three amigos, back again! Let's head inside.
Wait! They won't seat an incomplete party!
-Whoa! -[crone] It's you! Prophecy girl!
What the hell?
Save Maru, Tiabeanie. Save Maru!
Ah! Get away from me! Ow!
[kissing]
Help! This elderly senior's gone crazy! She's kissin' my boots!
[crones] Tiabeanie! Tiabeanie!
-That's not what I meant! -[crones] Tiabeanie! Tiabeanie!
[Bean panting]
Oh, my God. Big simple guy! Have you seen my mom?
They're talking about secret stuff
and they said I should go sit in the Jerry Box,
but I don't like the Jerry Box.
Well, can I hang out with you? I don't want to be alone.
Oh, sure! When I don't want to be alone, there's a place I like to go.
You can use this fire to look at anyone.
You just throw a little powder on,
and you say who you want to see.
You should get some fire friends, too.
I wonder...
Show me Luci.
-Come on, fire! Let me talk to Luci! -[door opens]
[Becky] What are you doing?
Stop throwing my cocaine into the fire!
I don't have a problem, okay?
I was just trying to talk to my friend. We got separated when we left Dreamland.
That's not how the Oracle works.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to beat Jerry in private.
Listen, Jerry, the fire is not to be used by her,
or anybody else except us!
-[blow lands] -[Jerry] Ow!
[Becky] Cloyd, help me take the fire to the temple.
Jerry, you stay here and finish beating yourself!
[footsteps approaching]
[both] Ow! Ow! Ow!
-[blows landing] -[Jerry] Ow!
No, I beg you!
Ow! Ow!
[Cloyd and Becky] Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Zog] You know, Odval, if I didn't have you, I'd really be lonely.
Huh?
Eh, your arms were all wavy and critical, anyway.
Hey! Don't you wanna come out and live your life with your ol' King Zoggy? Eh?
We can have lots of fun.
[both sigh]
[goon grunts]
-Are you all right, dear? -Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just a scratch I got from this strange old lady in the village.
Oh, you mustn't walk through the Crone Zone.
I got roughed up there myself. Cost me a pretty penny. Drink up.
-Down the hatch. -There you go.
You know what might cheer you up?
A lovely little ceremony to welcome you to the family.
We'll have a special dress for you.
And Bean, I'm not supposed to tell you about the crown, but I just did!
Sounds great. But would you excuse me for a moment?
I'm feeling oozy woozy. Is that a word? I feel odd.
Welcome to the family! Of course.
Prophecy? That couldn't be about little old...
me?
Ew.
Ew!
Arms?
-Oh, no, this is not good. -[thuds]
Bean? Oh, thank goodness, she's waking up.
[groans] What happened? I left dinner to go for a walk.
-[Becky] You came back for dessert. -[Cloyd] Cherry cobbler.
[Becky] You seemed fine. Then, we retired to the library and you fainted.
Maybe you were overcome by chimney fumes.
It happens quite frequently in a place like this, with no chimneys.
Mom, can I talk to you for a second? [whispers] Alone.
And there is this shrine to me, and weird symbols and bloody body parts!
I think Cloyd and Becky are dangerous.
Are you feeling all right?
Did you pick something up from that old lady who scratched you?
Let me see your arms.
-I don't see any scratches. -[gasps]
That's impossible!
Are you sure?
Maybe you saw something else and got confused.
No! I'm telling you, it's right in here!
What the hell?
That's Queen Mariabeanie, your great-grandmother.
We like to burn a little incense in her memory.
I know what I saw. That was me in the painting.
Maybe you're still tired from your journey.
Or maybe... No. You're past the age it usually manifests.
-Never mind, dear. -What manifests?
Well, you know, the family curse.
Family curse? You mean insanity?
Don't be crazy. But yes, I mean insanity. Let's get you some rest.
-[gasps] -Oh, hi, miss.
I'm just about at the end of my 24-hour shift.
There it is. Well, back to work.
Wait, Jerry! You've been here for a long time.
What are the symptoms of the family curse?
Well, for everyone it's different.
This loon thought the world was round.
This nut married a duck.
This vision of beauty tried to drown her grandchildren.
Luckily, they were all ducks.
But the main symptoms are paranoia and hallucinations.
And a fair bit of murdering.
[chuckles nervously]
Well, I've never murdered anyone.
It's always been an accident, self-defense or justifiable homicide.
Oh, my God! I've killed a lot of people!
What if I'm insane? Jerry, I need to know. I can't take their word for it.
Paranoia, check. Murdering, check.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's all this, then?
Where's the portrait of Queen Mariabeanie? It was right here earlier today.
They did move it!
I know exactly where it is. The shrine room!
[chuckles nervously]
That's an evil place. Nice acoustics, though.
[vocalizing]
-Jerry, please. Is this the painting? -Mmm-hmm.
So I'm not crazy!
Not as crazy as this one.
I'll put her back with the duck lovers.
[vocalizing]
They hid that picture of me somewhere.
-Oh. A loose skoonce. -[Jerry] "Sconce!"
"Sconce," totally. I might have found a secret passage!
Whoa!
Stonification potion?
-[object clatters] -What the hell was that?
[gasps] There it is.
Wow. The teeth really seem to follow you around the room.
-[door opens] -Mom, we need to leave right now!
Cloyd and Becky are evil.
They lied. They hid the painting of me.
They must've drugged me at dinner!
And I think they're planning to sacrifice me,
maybe both of us, at the ceremony.
[laughs] They're our family, Bean.
Remember you said everyone has their blind spots?
You have to believe me.
Tell me exactly what you saw that makes you think these things.
Okay. Listen, Mom. I found plans, a little map and this.
I bet this is the same stuff they used on Dreamland!
I don't think it was Oona. I think it was Cloyd and Becky.
They poisoned you all those years ago and now they're after us.
[sniffs] Whoa. It smells like old people. Here, have a sniff.
Please, Cloyd and Becky can't even mix a fruit cocktail,
let alone a formula as complex as this.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my God,
it was you.
All of it.
Good for you. You're not as naive as I thought.
No need for the games anymore. Get your dress on.
Mom?
There are things beyond your understanding you are destined for.
The ceremony will take place.
Be ready when I get back.
Remember, I'm all you have now.
Mom!
[banging on door]
It's just us three, but that's all you need.
We'll rebuild the kingdom.
It'll be a new era of fairness, of democracy, of love...
Hey, watch it, Vap! You scuffed my robe! You wanna end up in the dungeon?
Come back! I'll get you whatever you want.
You want tiny little horses to ride?
It won't be just rats with saddles this time, I promise!
I'll finally start paying you money instead of cheese slices!
Anything if you just come back!
Please?
[sighs]
Mom's right.
I've got no home anymore. I've lost that, my friends.
You have a friend here.
No offense, Jerry, but we just met two days ago.
Oh, I know. Jerry has no friends.
I mean the little black kitty with the big eye and the pointy tail.
What?
The kitty cat!
What was in the jar I brought in with Dagmar's things from the boat.
Luci's here? Where is he?
Maybe he's in the basement with all the other jars.
That's where I put him.
-We need to find him now! -There's no time.
If you're even a moment late for the ceremony,
they'll look into the Oracle Fire and find you.
-There's gotta be a way. -How?
Jeez, Jerry, give me a second. I just found out my mom's evil.
I need a moment.
-A moment. A moment. Give you a second-- -Quiet moment.
-Quiet moment. [grunts nervously] -Jerry...
Please just stop. If you could stop talking.
-Stop. I'mma stop. -No, this is not a repetitive--
Don't repeat, don't repeat.
-Jerry? -Jerry?
-Jerry! -Jerry!
Good, I see you've made the right choice.
A palanquin will be here shortly to take you to the temple.
Try not to cry. It makes you look so ugly.
If she can bear the crown, our destiny is secure.
Damn it, Cloyd, could you have done a worse job
cleaning the dried blood off this thing?
[goons grunt]
[horn blaring]
My, doesn't she cut an elegant, husky silhouette?
Jerry! We already tried this with you once
and it turned you into a permanent ten-year-old.
-Where's Bean? -Where's Bean?
-Jerry? -Jerry?
-Jerry! -Jerry!
I'm not letting you find her if it's the last thing I do! [yelps]
Ow!
Guess it was the last thing you did.
Jeez, Dag, he was our littlest brother.
Now you are, so shut up.
Summon the image of Bean!
Luci! Luci!
Come on.
What is this? Come on, Luci. Where are you?
In here! Hurry! I'm outta cigarettes!
[gasps] Luci!
-[jar shatters] -[both] I missed you, you son of a bitch!
-[sniffs] Have you been drinking? -Yes and no.
They tried to pickle me in alcohol, but I drank it all last night.
Sorry, totally should've saved you some. Ooh. Your mom's evil, by the way.
I know. That's why we have to go.
You're late for the ceremony, darling. It's impolite to keep people waiting.
It's also impolite to totally scam your daughter,
but that didn't seem to stop you.
Don't talk back to your mother. I gave birth to you.
I nursed you myself, with those teeth. And now I need you.
What do you want from me?
To start contributing to this family!
There's a prophecy to be fulfilled, our fame and fortune to be restored,
a debt to Hell we're really overdue on.
You had me to fulfill a prophecy?
And we're almost there.
Come, now, we've a crown to screw to your head.
You've screwed with my head enough!
-[grunts] -[all exclaim]
[crown clatters]
You can't escape your destiny!
-Do it. -[blows]
[wood creaking]
Bean?
Is that you?
Let's just talk.
-There she is! -[gasps]
[Cloyd] Ow!
Go ahead. I killed my own parents when I was your age.
I'm not a murderer like you.
I mean, not to anyone that didn't deserve it.
Did Elfo deserve to die?
Face it, you're just as self-serving as I am.
Now, put on the crown, and together we will make our wildest dreams come true.
[grunts] Beeoo-woop!
My dream was to have my mother back.
But now that I have you, I realize I was better off before.
Go ahead. Like mother, like daughter.
I'm not like you.
-[grunts] -Got it!
It was actually unlocked, but I was pushing instead of pulling.
[Bean grunts]
[Luci] I'm sure she's fine. Let's run away and not check.
We've got to take Jerry with us!
Oh, no! Jerry, too?
Hell of a body count you racked up here, Bean. I'm impressed.
But it'll never top what you did to Elfo.
Elfo.
Elfo, wherever you are, I'm sorry.
[Elfo through Oracle Fire] I'm in Heaven! Who is this?
Elfo? Is that you?
[Elfo] Lady, you're the one that called me.
Hello? I can't... You're...
Actually, there might be a way to bring Elfo back.
What? How?
Usually death is a one-way ticket.
Now, I can't get to Heaven,
but if Elfo can meet us in Hell, I know a way out.
Elfo! It's me, Bean! I miss you! I'm so sorry for everything. I--
[Elfo] I'm hearing every other word. I'm... Hello?
Can you hear me now?
[Elfo] I only... I got just the "now" part. What was that?
Oh, my gosh, are...
Never mind, just meet us in Hell.
[Elfo] I can't... I'm sorry. I'm literally only hearing one syllable.
Elfo, go to Hell! I know I say that a lot, but this time I mean it literally.
[Elfo] Wow. Okay, I heard that. Screw you, jerk-o!
No, no, no. Go to Hell, the place down below.
Okay, Luci. How do we get to Hell?
Well, we could kill a priest, or I could do this.
Binka-winka-dinga-dinga-doo! [grunting]
[Luci] Et voilá! Stairway to Hell!
Come on.
[mumbles] We don't know if he heard us, okay?
Hell is dangerous, Bean.
If they find you down there, you'll be stuck for eternity.
You familiar with a hot poker?
When you're down there, it's like, "Where don't they stick 'em?" Okay?
And the chances of finding Elfo in a place as big as Hell? Slim to none.
But there is a chance, right? I have to take it.
Okay, then you're gonna need this.
Cloyd's demon suit?
Hell is full of fashion disasters.
[Bean yells]
Mom, I thought I killed you.
Wow, your mom's flame-retardant!
Put on the crown, Bean.
[Luci yells and grunts]
No!
[exclaims]
[both grunting]
[Bean grunts] Whoa!
[choking]
-[blows landing] -[Bean and Dagmar grunting]
I aimed for where she was going to be.
Thanks for hammering my mother, Jerry. You're a true friend.
Jerry's a friend...
[Bean] Schloop.
Luci?
Luci! Where are you?
[theme music playing]