1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,926 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,760 [men] Hey! 3 00:00:26,317 --> 00:00:28,567 [wind whooshing] 4 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,158 [groans] 5 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:33,414 Ah! 6 00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:37,334 -[Zog gasps] -[Dagmar laughs maniacally] 7 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,262 Well, if you've got nothing to say... 8 00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:49,168 [muffled screaming] 9 00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:52,761 Oh, God! Oh, God, what time is it? 10 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:53,804 [owls hooting] 11 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,757 [bell clangs three times] 12 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:59,427 3:00 a.m. [sighs] This is hopeless. 13 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,483 Oh. Good, you're still up. 14 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:06,693 I'm always up. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks. 15 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:09,935 They say turkey helps, but I took two and nothing. 16 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,198 Why are you awake? 17 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,869 More nightmares about Mom and you and me. 18 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,448 I kept trying to talk, but I couldn't get any words out. 19 00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:19,954 Uh-huh. Was your mouth sewn shut, or you didn't even have one? 20 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,958 I didn't even have one! How do you know so much? 21 00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:25,381 There's a reason this place is called Dreamland. 22 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,550 Something about this castle makes dreams more powerful. 23 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,050 You can't escape your dreams, 24 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:33,381 but you can stop a nightmare if you work through the issues causing it. 25 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:36,638 Wow. I wish you were this wise all the time when you were awake. 26 00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:38,261 -[Zog snores] -[sighs] 27 00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:42,190 -[grunting] -[snoring continues] 28 00:01:51,694 --> 00:01:55,244 I'm just going out for some fresh air. I couldn't sleep. 29 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:58,833 See, I've been having these weird dreams where my mouth-- 30 00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:01,251 Cool. 31 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,797 Closed? But I have feelings to suppress. 32 00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:27,562 [instrumental music playing] 33 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,109 Huh? 34 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:44,037 Okay, okay, the political situation in Dreamland 35 00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:46,082 has really gotten me confused. 36 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,706 First, everyone in the kingdom got turned to stone. 37 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,343 Then we all got de-stoned. 38 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:53,590 Ever since then, I've been trying to get stoned again. 39 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:54,763 [laughs] 40 00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:58,967 -[spits] Ah! -[yells] 41 00:02:59,053 --> 00:03:00,473 This is hot! 42 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:01,805 It's supposed to be hot. 43 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,770 Hot, bitter beer? 44 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:08,690 It's coffee. It's a new drink, kind of like tea, but stronger and worse. 45 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,691 Will it make me forget my troubles? 46 00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:12,443 No, but it'll stunt your growth. 47 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:15,195 I'm 23, but I still get to order off the kids' menu. 48 00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,488 Now tell Miri all about your problems. 49 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:20,162 You look really familiar, Miri. 50 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,741 I have another job working for people 51 00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:24,196 who never notice me 'cause they're so self-absorbed. 52 00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:27,366 We were talking about you? 53 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,419 But it was all a trick! My mom had only married my dad to have me. 54 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:33,503 She betrayed both of us, 55 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:36,218 and I still feel so bad because she's my mom, you know? 56 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,379 And my dad, I mean, he can barely... 57 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:41,718 You see, this is why most people only have one or two. 58 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:45,394 ...admit she existed. But me, I mean, I just keep having these nightmares-- 59 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,805 Because you're bottling up your feelings, dig? 60 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,604 What else can I do? 61 00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:51,857 Express them. What do you do for fun? 62 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,480 -I-- -Besides get drunk. 63 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,736 I... No, I did that because I was drunk. 64 00:03:56,819 --> 00:04:01,699 Oh! I... No, I did that to get drunk. I am open to your suggestions. 65 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:05,413 Well, there's art, music, wearing weird clothes you make yourself. 66 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,495 -This is Judy, by the way. -'Sup? 67 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:11,170 Basically, anything that lets you work through feelings and heal. 68 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,751 You know, creativity. 69 00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:14,625 Creativity? 70 00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:18,632 Look around you. All of these people are expressing themselves. 71 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:22,852 This is all really impressive, but I don't have any talent, so... 72 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,639 -Do you have hands? -Yeah. 73 00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:26,722 -Can you hold a pen? -Yeah. 74 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,848 -Then you're a writer. -[gasps] 75 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,305 And I already got a head start with the drinking. 76 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,359 So, what are we writing? 77 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,282 It's something personal. I suppose you can stay and watch, though. 78 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,862 [clears throat] 79 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,448 Here I go. 80 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:49,503 "When I was young, I overheard a conversation between my father and--" 81 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,330 -Um... No. -What? 82 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,167 No, nothing. I was gonna say something, 83 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:56,922 but then I was like, "You know what? I don't think it's fixable," 84 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,165 so maybe just go ahead. 85 00:04:58,256 --> 00:04:59,296 What's wrong with it? 86 00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:04,852 Nothing's wrong with it, really, other than just being bad. But go on. 87 00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,389 Ugh! Stop talking! 88 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:10,940 Are you sure that's the right word? 89 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,809 I think you're conflating "confusing" with "conflating." It's confusing, but-- 90 00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:16,977 -I don't like that part, either. -Ah! 91 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:21,566 Wait! We're your biggest fans! Quit shoving! Come on! 92 00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,954 I can help you! You ever heard of a writer's demon? 93 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,279 -Hmm. -I can also help! 94 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:27,367 [Elfo] Ow! 95 00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:31,622 Come on, there's nothing to criticize out here. Although, this door is hideous. 96 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,576 So, writers have demons? 97 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,496 Yeah, most of 'em have dozens. 98 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,125 And the demons help with writing? 99 00:05:37,211 --> 00:05:40,301 Sure. We also cause depression, self-doubt, insomnia, 100 00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:43,551 suicide and drug addiction. The writer's life. 101 00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:45,554 Uh, I don't know. 102 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,256 Eh, you're no writer, anyway. 103 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,517 Nobody gives an elf's ass what you got to say about your trite little life. 104 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,770 Up yours! Yes, I am! 105 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,185 Eh? Eh? 106 00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:59,193 Okay, you can stay. 107 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,401 That's a good start, but if you want to be a real writer, 108 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,607 you're going to need to procrastinate a lot more. 109 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:10,539 Wow. You gotta read this guy's story. It's a lot like yours but better. 110 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,160 [grunting] 111 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:17,919 You know what would really get those ideas flowing? A nice, long nap. 112 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,672 Oh. Yeah, good idea. 113 00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:22,382 No! 114 00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:26,434 [groans] 115 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,177 [exclaims and laughs] 116 00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:33,564 A little more suffering for your art and you'll be good to go. 117 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:38,190 "Dismayed, the elf's nose crinkled noiselessly, 118 00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:42,402 glinting in the sunset, purple as a stubbed toe." 119 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,355 What's purple? The nose or the sunset? 120 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:45,905 I don't know anymore! 121 00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:48,568 And who cares how his nose reacted? I hate this. 122 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:53,663 [Luci] Have you considered writing erotic fairy tale fan fiction? 123 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:57,536 All this writing, I just want to say what happened. 124 00:06:57,625 --> 00:06:58,455 So write a play. 125 00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,003 You mean like a one-woman show? 126 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,876 God, no! I'm trying to help your career, not hurt it. 127 00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:09,221 Go nuts! You've been working so hard, you deserve that sixth cinnamon roll. 128 00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:11,723 Mmm. Now, this scene... [clears throat] 129 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,556 This scene in particular is tough. 130 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,441 You see, I'm not sure how we... 131 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:16,348 Oh! Dad! 132 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:20,648 When you proposed to Mom... 133 00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,227 Why are they ripping out all the tulips? 134 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,107 I'm putting in an archery range. 135 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:28,574 I wanted a form of exercise that was mostly standing still. 136 00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:29,696 Sounds great. 137 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:34,042 Okay, so one time you told me how you proposed to Mom. Was it-- 138 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,120 I don't remember. 139 00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,084 I didn't even ask the question yet. 140 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:42,245 What's past is past. And I'm not interested in reliving it. 141 00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:51,301 But Dagmar was part of your life, I mean, both our lives, for almost 20 years. 142 00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:53,507 We can't just pretend that never happened. 143 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:57,598 I'm king! I can do whatever I want! [grunts] 144 00:07:58,519 --> 00:07:59,399 [door closes] 145 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,059 Like hide in the toolshed until I go away? 146 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:03,817 [Zog] Maybe. 147 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,780 I don't need anybody's help. I lived this story. 148 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:13,993 It's a part of me and I am going to make it real. 149 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:19,366 You wound me, wife. Your heart is as if gripped by ice. 150 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:23,207 I am gripped by purpose higher than thy petty, worldly concerns. 151 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,884 [Bean mimicking Dagmar] "Thou art but one fallen horseman 152 00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:30,553 in a grand battle waged far beyond your understanding." 153 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:34,635 [Bean mimicking Zog] "To fall in battle is merely one death. 154 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:39,732 To fall in true love's betrayal is a hundred score." 155 00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:43,560 "Exit stage right, and scene." 156 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:51,161 Bravo! A heartbreaking work of average-to-moderate genius. 157 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,319 A dramatic tour de force, it was. 158 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:54,487 [sobbing] 159 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:57,907 I've never been permitted to sit down for this long. 160 00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:01,365 Meh. I was really hoping for more of a medical thriller. 161 00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,577 Terrific work. First-rate. 162 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,878 -Want to celebrate with a little suicide? -No! 163 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,052 Just doin' my job. 164 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:11,089 So, where does your script go now? Rubbish bin, outhouse? 165 00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:13,675 Well, I think it should be performed onstage. 166 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:16,431 It's quite brilliant, but what do I know? 167 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:17,814 Not much, really. 168 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,533 Princess Tiabeanie? 169 00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,859 Hi. I wanted to ask if I could submit my play-- 170 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:31,775 No. 171 00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,737 -Can I make an appointment to-- -No. 172 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,950 -I'd just like to see if I'd be able to-- -No. 173 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,745 [cats meowing] 174 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,999 -Can I please just come into the theater? -No. 175 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:45,542 Why is it that everyone else in the whole world 176 00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:48,086 can just march right in that door except me? 177 00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:54,335 -Oh. You didn't know? -Didn't know what? 178 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,598 Women aren't allowed to work in theater! 179 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,930 I know you must be disappointed, Bean, but what did you expect? 180 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:05,437 Like war and beauty-contest judging, theater is the noble work of men. 181 00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:09,281 That's ridiculous. There's no reason women can't do theater. 182 00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:13,108 It's a slippery slope. What's next, male cows? 183 00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:14,155 [chuckles] 184 00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:17,778 You know, I, myself, have been known to tread the boards. 185 00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,617 Oh! Real boards? 186 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:24,122 In my days at Twinkletown University, I was the toast of the annual follies. 187 00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:26,416 My fans, stunned by my talent, 188 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:30,340 showered me with homemade bricks and fresh, ripe tomatoes. 189 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:34,681 Ah. Bygone days. The most glorious time of my life. 190 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,009 Ah! 191 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:44,056 Hello. I understand women are prohibited from working in the theater. 192 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:44,983 Yep. 193 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,771 -How about pigs? -Come on in. 194 00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:49,904 I must warn you, I am smeared in my own manure. 195 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,442 I said, come on in. 196 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:59,116 You got them to put on my play? Oh, my gosh, thank you! 197 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,490 [kisses] Ew. 198 00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,866 Though, there is one small condition. They think it's my play. 199 00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:06,995 What? What do you mean, "your play"? 200 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,093 Well, I couldn't very well tell them it was written by a woman. 201 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:12,959 The credit may go to me, but the payment is all yours. 202 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:17,640 You're paying me with me? I don't need money. 203 00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:22,388 I wrote the play so I could come to terms with my family and my past. 204 00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:25,523 I poured my heart and soul into it. You can't put a price on that. 205 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:28,771 It's an insult to even suggest it. I'll just be taking this, thanks. 206 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:33,034 Fortunately, I got them to give me something far more valuable than cash. 207 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,439 The starring role. 208 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:38,527 Whoa, you're starring as me? My character's the star of the play. 209 00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,534 I had to make a few adjustments. 210 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,792 -[grunts] -[thump] 211 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:43,988 Sad. 212 00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:44,998 [water splashing] 213 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:46,713 -Bean? -What? 214 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:49,039 I have a question. Don't throw me out the window. 215 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,285 That's not a question. 216 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,796 Don't throw me out the window? Also, I have a second question. 217 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,339 I could go down to the theater and be your little spy. 218 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,934 That's not a question, either. 219 00:11:58,008 --> 00:12:00,718 I think someone tiny's going out the window. 220 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,933 -[thump] -I hate you guys! 221 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:04,313 [water splashing] 222 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:14,438 I can't read, but I like them new shapes and squiggles. 223 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,735 I don't like the pointy ones. 224 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:20,949 All right, let's rehearse. Act one, scene two, Zog and Dagmar, 225 00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:22,991 written and directed by Wymond Petty. 226 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,865 Wait, you're taking credit? 227 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:25,912 If you're not happy, 228 00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,205 they're casting for Pork Chop Number Two at the butcher shop. 229 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:32,789 Pork Chop Number Two? I'm no common cutlet, I'm a leading ham! 230 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,497 Then, action. 231 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,917 The poets ne'er wrote of pleasures so sublime. 232 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,837 My glorious kingdom, a feast for my eyes. 233 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:44,136 My glorious bride, a brunch for my soul. 234 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,056 For my soul. 235 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,597 Cue Dagmar! 236 00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:50,635 [screams] 237 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,726 Get a doctor, now! 238 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,784 [groaning] 239 00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:58,898 Hmm. I've seen this before. Death. 240 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:03,116 The finest actor of his generation, struck down at his first rehearsal. 241 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,029 I think maybe it was the lead makeup. 242 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,487 That's what you always say. 243 00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,617 Now take off his clothes and throw his corpse in the alley. 244 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:09,834 Don't forget the wig. 245 00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:13,334 Woe is me. Who shall be my Dagmar now? 246 00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,877 Wow. I didn't see that coming. 247 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,927 [gasps] Driver, stop! Stop, I say! 248 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,892 What kind of smut is this? 249 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,682 It better be religious smut. 250 00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:32,726 Worse. It's secular smut. And look it! Their noses are touching. 251 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:33,812 What? 252 00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,227 [scoffs] Looks like a harmless grope-fest. 253 00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:39,436 Nothing about this story is harmless. 254 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,147 If the king hears about it, his fury will know no bounds. 255 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:46,158 Is it such a terrible thing to allow these fools to openly ridicule the Crown? 256 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,162 The difficulty lies in discerning between 257 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,624 what is right for the king and what is right for the kingdom. 258 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:53,294 It's the very foundation of our secret society. 259 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,964 That and sex bingo every Tuesday night in the basement. 260 00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:58,133 This play could be just the thing we've been looking for. 261 00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,962 Well, I'm not telling him directly. 262 00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,257 I've already been punched five times today. 263 00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:05,141 I'll send a messenger he can kill and then we'll both tell him. 264 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:08,559 [Archdruidess] Utterly scandalous! Well, it can't even be called theater. 265 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,349 Nothing but made-up hoo-hah 266 00:14:10,432 --> 00:14:12,812 to distract peasants from their miserable lives. 267 00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,523 But that's what religion is for! 268 00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,193 What it is, is treason. 269 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:19,152 They make a laughingstock of the royal family, the kingdom, 270 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,653 and most important, you, Your Majesty. 271 00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:25,195 Me? They're mocking me? What did I ever do? 272 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,991 Aside from the yelling and the stabbing 273 00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:29,294 and the slapping and the gouging and the name-calling? 274 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,078 Absolutely nothing, sire. 275 00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,621 I want to see it, with my own eyes. 276 00:14:34,456 --> 00:14:35,496 Where do I see it? 277 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,633 The theater, 8:00 p.m. tonight. 278 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,710 The theater? All right. But I'm bringing my bow. 279 00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:45,426 [man yelps] Good shot, sire. Right in the spleen. 280 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,934 "A command performance"? 281 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:55,064 Yes, your next and presumably final show will be attended by the king. 282 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:58,404 He will render judgment as to whether this production is treasonous 283 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,110 and then pronounce sentence. 284 00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:02,030 Okay, so no big deal. 285 00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:03,779 What's the sentence for treason? 286 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,031 Couple of light slaps on the bum-bum? 287 00:15:06,113 --> 00:15:07,993 'Cause I don't think I can handle that. 288 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:14,622 Ah. 289 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,839 I told them, no more tulips! 290 00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,128 Ever! 291 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:31,255 You're gone. Erased from here. 292 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,484 You never happened. 293 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,100 Sire? 294 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,270 It's showtime. 295 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,694 All right, let me just get my opera glasses. 296 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:41,903 Let's go. 297 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,527 This is so frustrating. 298 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,412 I've got to be the only writer in the world 299 00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:51,869 who has to sit around helplessly while idiots ruin all my hard work. 300 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,581 Then why are we here? You could be around the corner at my bar. 301 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:58,922 Because I love this drink. This bitter, bitter drink. 302 00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:02,089 All right, people, it's that time again. Amateur night. 303 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,919 Please give a tepid Jittery welcome to a newcomer. 304 00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:09,005 We call her Freckles behind her back. My new friend, Bean. 305 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:10,643 [crowd clapping] 306 00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:12,429 What? No way. 307 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,813 Do it. Do it. Do it. 308 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:20,150 [all] Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. 309 00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,809 All right, shut up! 310 00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:22,727 [man] Do it. 311 00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:31,198 Well? Let's go, already! 312 00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,325 Hey, look, there's my house! 313 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:42,540 A play, starring who? 314 00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,416 -[audience gasps] -[man 1] What the hell is that? 315 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:46,713 'Tis I, your royal king! 316 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,627 Oh, my God, it's a pig! 317 00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,385 [clearing throat] 318 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,604 Hello. Hi. Um... 319 00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:00,273 I hate Dreamland. 320 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,192 I hate the overflowing plague pits. 321 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:06,982 I hate how when it's the end of the night and you're completely drunk 322 00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:10,317 and you've gotta stagger home, it's uphill all the way. [chuckles] 323 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:13,454 But you know what I don't hate? Most of you. 324 00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:19,622 I believe, deep down, underneath all that dirt and sweat and grease and mud 325 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:25,875 and whatever is all over you, sir, that you guys are kind and decent. 326 00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:28,301 You just do misguided things, 327 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:31,380 like abandoning your babies in the Enchanted Forest. 328 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,717 They're not gonna survive. 329 00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:37,721 Or like betting on elf versus squirrel wrestling, like, to the death. 330 00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:39,556 Is that what we really want to watch? 331 00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,311 Guys, the squirrel always wins. 332 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:46,194 Do you know how much money I've lost just thinking that I'm gonna witness 333 00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:49,113 the first time that an elf beats a squirrel? 334 00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:53,493 It's never gonna happen, but we watch it again and again. 335 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,202 It's not a fair fight. And you know what else is not fair? 336 00:17:56,283 --> 00:18:00,293 The fact that I'm up here on this dinky little stage talking to you, 337 00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:07,130 but I can't go across the street to perform the play that I wrote. 338 00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:14,508 It's going on right now, in front of an adoring, sophisticated audience. 339 00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:15,973 [audience booing] 340 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,053 [man 2] You suck! 341 00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,677 All right, settle down, now. You've had your fun. 342 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,935 I'm asking you very gently for a little decorum in the theater. 343 00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:25,188 -Please. I beg you. -[laughing] 344 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:26,360 [man 3] Show us your teats! 345 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,688 [sighs] So that's the way you want it? 346 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:31,194 Then that's the way you're going to get it. 347 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,566 Here we go. 348 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,533 -[squealing] -[audience gasps] 349 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,038 Good. Now, where was I? 350 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,210 My love, I beseech thee... 351 00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,130 Hey, you're on in 30 seconds. 352 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:51,209 But he's barely made up. You can still see green skin everywhere. 353 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:54,934 [gasps and coughs] 354 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:05,814 Like a tree in bloom, my love now sprouts anew. 355 00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:07,734 Dagmar is pregnant. 356 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,903 Lo, I am ripe with our blissful union. Witness, my king. 357 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,074 [audience laughing] 358 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,912 Aw, come on. Dagmar never wore lipstick like that. 359 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,159 I pray this be a daughter as fair as thou. 360 00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:24,792 We shall call her Tiabeanie and she shall make a fine princess. 361 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:28,129 [audience laughing] 362 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,298 Or maybe she'll make a nice pie, instead. 363 00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:32,748 [laughing continues] 364 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:37,378 Hey, wait a minute. That pig with a crown is supposed to be me? 365 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:38,677 [grunts angrily] 366 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:43,520 And for an encore, you're all getting your heads chopped off! 367 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,323 [Bean] My dad told me there's a reason they call it Dreamland, 368 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:55,691 and for once, he was right. 369 00:19:55,777 --> 00:20:00,907 Because whenever I fall asleep, it's nightmares about my evil mom. 370 00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:03,621 It turns out Oona was the cool one. 371 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,832 You never appreciate your lizard stepmom 372 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,253 until she becomes a sexy pirate, am I right? 373 00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,667 Remember you all got turned to stone? 374 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:13,963 [man 1] Yeah, Oona did it. 375 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,756 No, that was Dagmar. 376 00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,799 [man 2] Yeah, Dagmar said Oona did it. 377 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,763 Dagmar was a liar. 378 00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:22,053 My whole life, I just wanted her to be there, 379 00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,927 but it turns out the best mothering I ever got 380 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,595 was from a fat guy with a red mustache. 381 00:20:27,684 --> 00:20:29,354 She's whining about her dad. 382 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,516 My dad was right. You can't escape your dreams. 383 00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:38,106 But when I fall asleep tonight, whatever happens, I'm gonna fight back. 384 00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:46,623 What are you doing here, Dad? 385 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:50,543 You know, Bean, you're pretty good with words up there on the thing. 386 00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:53,924 Dad, that doesn't mean much, but it means a lot. 387 00:20:54,002 --> 00:20:55,922 You know, this puts me in a good mood. 388 00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:58,594 I'm thinking maybe I'll call off the execution. 389 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:02,224 What? I thought we were gonna have a happy ending tonight. Oh, man. 390 00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:03,182 Hmm? 391 00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:07,522 Wait, don't chop! 392 00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:11,404 The king has changed his mind! 393 00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:13,478 Oh, well, no harm done. 394 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,863 Cheer up, Elmo! We have vindication 395 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,031 from no less an authority than the king himself. 396 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,951 Our show shall go on. 397 00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:22,199 Oh, boy. 398 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:26,615 Ugh. Dad, don't you hate it that it's uphill all the way home? 399 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:27,872 Yeah. 400 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,865 Wow. That guy has it lucky. 401 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,205 [theme music playing]