[theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
This is the fanciest and only restaurant in Elf Alley.
Nice. Ow!
[Luci chuckles]
-Ow! -[Bean chuckles]
-Hey, hi. Pardon me. -[furniture thudding]
I am... Squeeze by. Could we create a path?
Yow. A low chair for the lady?
[sawing]
That's gotta make a girl feel dainty.
And your chair, junior.
[grunting]
[groans]
[crunching loudly]
Don't fill up on candy. Our main course is coming.
[smacks lips]
Mmm. Rabbit! You should've ordered this instead of the chicken, Luci.
What the hell?
Look at them. They're like little screaming candles.
-Dragon attack! Dragon attack! -[elves screaming]
Calm down, guys. Let the women and children panic first.
We'll never put out the fire by our wee selves.
-We must go to Zog at once. -I'll go with you.
[elves continue screaming]
[Elf King] Hurry, Teeniebeanie!
-[door opens] -[yells]
Sire, there is a matter of utmost importance
which needs your immediate attention.
Indeed there is. Another king has entered the throne room.
Dad! There's a fire--
No, no, no, Princess. I'll do it. This is a matter for kings.
But there is a fire--
Stand down, Tiabeanie.
When kings confer, women are forbidden to speak.
State your business, Elf King.
I, King Rulo of Elfwood-In-Exile, have come for an audience with King Zog.
I shall see if he's available.
Are you kidding? He's right--
Sire, another king wishes to speak with you.
May I tell him you're available?
Who? This guy? Sure.
Before we begin, may I present to you this basket of traditional elven goods?
I'm afraid some of it is on fire.
[mumbles]
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God!
-So, everything good? -No, it's not good. In fact, it's bad!
Elf Alley is on fire! Dragon attack. Elves need help. Get it?
Why didn't you say so, baby girl?
Odval, get the fire brigade request forms.
[groans]
Meanwhile, shoot down that dragon before it attacks the castle.
Quick, after the dragon! And may the best man slay it.
Or woman. Let's not ignore women here.
[woman screams]
[horse whinnies]
[horse neighs]
[Pendergast] Fire!
Retrieve the arrows.
-[horse whinnies] -Whoa! [groans]
What the hell is that?
And why are sparks flying out of its ass?
[air hissing]
[dragon crashes]
[door opens]
[groans]
Oh, my God.
Are you from the future?
No, I'm from two minutes ago when you shot me down. [groans]
Unhand her, dragon man.
He's not doing anything.
Except, like, sweating on me, and there's grease and stuff.
[man grunts]
-What are you gonna do with him? -What we do with all strange new things.
Lock him away!
Don't worry. I'll be okay.
Not in Dreamland, you won't.
[man 1] Man in a cage! Boo!
-[man 2] Throw sewage at him! -Poke him in the neck!
Witch! Is it a witch? I can't see nothin'.
Are you worried yet? What's your name?
Sky Gunderson. Give them time. They'll come to understand.
[man 3] Kill him before we understand!
[landlord] Once we clean up Combusto's apartment,
we're gonna need a new tenant, if you know anyone who's looking.
-What happened to Combusto? -You're sweeping him up.
I've been thinking about getting a place of my own.
Uh, this is Elf Alley.
I know. That's why I'm gonna let you live with me.
Oh, and I pay the rent, of course?
You drive a hard bargain.
[Elfo groans]
[Odval] Sorry. Interrogation can be brutal,
and a woman should have no role in it.
[jester] Tell that to my wife! Huh? Huh?
Oh, no.
Okay, smart guy, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Where is your dragon?
I don't have a dragon.
Nonsense. We all saw the dragon flying through the air,
making those whirring, mechanical dragon sounds.
Dragons aren't real. I flew here...
I knew it. He himself is the dragon!
...in my airship.
[all laughing]
-What's so funny? -Ships float on water, not in the air.
Clearly, sire, he is not only a shape-shifter but a liar.
He turns into a dragon at will.
[coughs]
With the application of this magical Smurf dandruff,
I've banished his ability to shift shape. A man he will remain.
Because I am a man.
There. You see? A dragon no more.
Well done, Sorcerio.
Can we stop with the dragon talk and discuss this rationally? I'm here to--
Let's just kill him, already.
A wise and prudent idea, Your Majesty. This man is a spy.
Hey! Put that down! It's loaded!
This is obviously some kind of whistle for summoning dragons.
-Let me see that. -Careful, sire.
[blows]
-Nothin'! -May I?
Looks more like a hammer to me.
A dragon-summoning hammer!
[sing-song] Come here, dragons, that I may slay you!
Give it back.
[grunts and crunches loudly]
Fear not. While under my spell, his magic whistle can only crush nuts.
Please, listen. Your so-called magic does nothing.
Science makes the world go round.
What the world and round have to do with one another,
I'll never know.
You're wasting your breath.
Those idiots don't know anything about stience.
It's "science," dear.
I believe it's pronounced "stience."
What does that have to do with dragons? I'm gettin' all confused here.
Throw him in the dungeon with that guy who mentioned human rights one time.
And put his belongings in my office.
They'll be evidence for his fair trial, execution and appeal.
After three weeks of filling you with mice,
-now it's time for Gladys. -[meows]
Oh, Bean, thank God you're here. I need your help.
Stan says the mouse-cramming begins at dawn.
First, you're gonna tell me about this stience stuff,
'cause magic has brought me nothing but unhappiness.
I'll need my satchel, my little black book from inside the airship
and five potatoes.
I know where I can get some of those.
Well, well, well. We knew you'd come crawling back for the potatoes.
What kind you want? We've got russet, yam and fingerling.
Fingerlings will cost you more,
but they'll make a real nice summertime salad.
Real nice.
Any thick potato will do.
-[Tuppence] Spud? -[Rupert] No.
-[Tuppence] Yam? -[Rupert] No.
-[Tuppence] Mashed? -[Rupert] No.
We think russet.
-[Moonpence] May I help you, Princess? -[exclaims]
Miss Moonpence. Sally. Hi. I was just looking for--
The dragon man's satchel? It's right over here.
Thanks. But wouldn't Odval object?
He doesn't pay me enough.
[creaking]
[gasps] Yes!
Perfect. We can set it on the window
and bounce the signal off the bottom of Heaven.
Now, you'll assemble everything.
I'll only tell you what to do, but I won't touch anything.
That way, you'll see it's science, not magic.
Excellent, Bean. Now just hook up that last tater.
There you go.
[woman over phone] The hell happened? You're in Dreamland? Over.
Yes. Yes.
-Where, exactly? -Well, no, you can follow the signal.
-Did you make the drop? -No, no. But, um, we'll try again.
-Meet by the docks at 11:15. -I can't really talk right now.
-You idiot. -Yes, fine. I'll be there.
Who is in that potato? What just happened?
You made it possible for me to call home, to my country.
You built it. Science happened.
So, I'm a stientist?
We say "logic wizard," but that's not important.
Those dimwits are going to kill me, Bean. And only you can help me escape.
Now, to create a diversion and dazzle these yokels with an explosion.
I love explosions!
Okay, ready?
Take me with you. I gotta see where all this stuff comes from.
No, it's too dangerous.
I've handled monsters and witches. I can handle stience.
I just can't let you--
I come with you, or I don't help you with this plan.
Fine. Meet me at the port at midnight.
[crackling]
-Now! -[Bean yells]
He's escaped!
He turned into a dragon and flew out the window!
He flew out that tiny window?
Oh. [chuckles]
No way. Too small.
First he turned into a bat and he flew out the window,
and then he turned into a dragon.
Wait, so a bat set this fire?
First he turned into a man smoking in the bed,
and then he turned into the bat, and now...
Okay, the only thing that's important is that he's a dragon
and he's gotten away.
Sound the dragon alarm again.
[bell tolling]
[Pendergast] Stay inside! Unless you want to see something really cool!
Whoa, an escape whale.
Hello?
Whoa.
Hello?
Whoa, lights without drugs.
Ugh! An attack hat!
[groaning]
[humming]
Leaving without me much?
What the hell? Of course not.
I needed to get to a safe depth to wait for you,
but now that you're here, we can be on our way.
Say, that's a pretty serious scrape you got.
You could get an infection.
But not with this antibiotic goo I invented.
In Dreamland, we just amputate.
And believe me, you do not wanna get a head wound. [chuckles]
Yeah. You know, 'cause they'd have to cut...
They'd cut off your head.
Good one. Hey, Bean, wanna steer?
Yeah, sure. I've never driven a...
What do you call this? A sub... marine?
Electrofish.
And now to set the homing coordinates.
Destination, Steamland.
And this is the garage door opener. Go ahead, Bean. Press the button.
[Bean] Wow.
Whoa!
What do you call this place?
This is my secret research shed.
Over there is my couch,
where I spend a lot of time dreaming up impressive inventions.
This is so much better than any stupid castle.
Whoa. An automatic lantern?
Yes, we call them buzzbrighters.
Listen. I've got to take care of some...
It's dangerous out there, so don't leave this room, okay?
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
I'll be back for you in a bit.
Oh, my God. We gotta get thrones like this.
Whoa.
Magic curtains. Cool.
Hmm.
Screw this amazing room.
[door creaking]
Ugh. You gotta be kiddin' me.
[grunts]
[whistling]
Uh...
[exclaiming]
Wha... Luci!
Luci! Did you have a party without me?
Yeah, man. I didn't want to wake you. Or invite you.
But I'm your roommate.
So stay in your room, mate.
Oh, that is...
Is actually a very clever turn of phrase.
I'm still hurt!
What an a-hole.
Hey, can you keep it down in there? I'm trying to roll around in my own filth.
[gasps]
[Bean] Oh, my God. They've got beer, too? This is paradise.
-Wait. You made this beer? -Sure did, hon.
It was my grandmother's recipe and her official cause of death.
Cool. Women aren't allowed to be brewmeisters in my kingdom.
Not here. If you're an obnoxious hipster of any gender,
you can become a craft brewer.
Wow. I love this place. And you don't even have to pay.
Yes, you do.
Pardon me!
Hmm?
[inhales deeply and exhales]
-[tires screech] -[yells]
Sorry to frighten you, ma'am.
Whoa. A horse on wheels?
You must be a visitor. Can I help you?
Um, yeah, I guess I'm looking for Farnsworth Boulevard.
Oh, the Transpo District.
Well, I'm headed that way for a lube job for ol' fleabag here.
Hop on.
[tires screech]
You've got my number.
I don't know what that means, but thank you.
Ugh.
What are you doing here? I told you to stay in the shed.
This village is amazing!
Can we talk in the lead zeppelin?
Listen, Bean. I'm trying to protect you.
From what? All the free beer and friendly ladies?
I like you. I really like you.
I think you could become one of my special interns.
Wow! That's the kind of thing a guy says right before I punch him in the gut.
[woman] Hello? Who's there?
-Who's that? -The authorities. Get down.
Hello, Harriet.
You had three simple tasks. Fly to the castle, deliver the weapon,
and get the hell away without being detected.
And you failed completely.
They shot me down. You told me that canvas was arrow-proof.
Way to go. That big, dumb fat-ass
-is still on the throne. -[gasps]
-Ow! -[wrench clatters]
Let me guess, another one of your freckle-faced interns?
Come on out.
[whispers] Don't say anything, Bean.
Princess Tiabeanie from Dreamland?
Do you know how much trouble we're in? The boss is gonna kill us.
Not if he doesn't find out.
Get that stupid thing out of my face.
[gasps]
[Harriet] Get her, Skybert.
[gunshot]
[door rattling]
-[exclaims] -Unlock the door, Bean.
No way, Skybert.
[grunts]
[both grunting]
[screams]
[grunts]
[yells]
[grunting]
A wrench?
[both grunting]
[Bean yelling]
Whoa!
[panting]
Ow! [yelling]
Screw you and your potatoes.
[straining]
[squawk]
-[squawking continues] -What the hell?
Oh, come on!
Oh, so sorry.
I'm throwing a little pancake party, but you're not invited.
Bye!
This is the best revenge you could come up with?
Waking me up at the crack of dawn with a stupid duck party?
What is wrong with you?
Honky is not a duck!
But let me guess. I hurt your feelings? 'Cause you've been left out?
No, I'm just pissed.
Well, welcome to the club, which now has two members!
-[squawking] -No, you can't join. No geese allowed.
-You're insane. -I must be!
I tried to live with a heartless, inconsiderate jerk
who only cares about his tiny self!
"Tiny"?
[both grunting]
-I'll show you tiny, pal! -Ow, ow, ow!
[Luci] The duck has me!
-The duck's got my eye! -[screaming]
[villagers screaming]
The shape-shifter's returned as a giant bee!
Don't shoot! It's me, Bean!
All I heard was, "It's me, Bee."
Fire!
[Bean groans]
Luci, did anything bad happen while I was gone?
-You were gone? -Where's Elfo?
[wall creaks]
Looks like he's taking a rubble bath.
Oh, hey, guys!
How could dragon guy just disappear? By magic?
I want answers! Magical answers that solve everything at once!
Dad! Hi. Your life is in danger!
Tiabeanie, for the last time, no women in council meetings.
Shut the hell up, Odval. This is important.
There's an assassin lurking somewhere in the castle,
and this is the murder weapon.
[Sorcerio] The dragon whistle. How did you get it?
She must have swiped it back and helped him escape.
I saw it with my own eye.
She's obviously been bewitched by the dragonmancer.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa. We're talking about my daughter here.
She may be crazy, but she wouldn't do nothing to harm this kingdom.
Everybody, let's just simmer down.
Okay, Pendergast, take the dragon whistle.
No! We can't trust anyone. I'm not letting this out of my sight.
-[grunting] -[gunshot]
-[Zog groans] -Daddy!
[melancholy music playing]