Hey!
The king has been stricken. The princess drew her magic wand on him.
-Still hot with magic. - Is everything all right?
No, you idiot. Everything is not all right.
Now, go make a public proclamation that everything is all right.
Sorcerio, get the king the finest medical care in the kingdom.
I'm on it.
Now, when you say "I'm on it,"
does that mean you will go out and find the best medical care in the kingdom,
or that you think you, yourself,
can provide the best medical care in the kingdom?
-I'm on it?
Mertz, Turbish, take His Majesty to his bedchamber with the utmost care.
Careful!
I can take care of my dad. You take care of the kingdom, okay?
Very well.
Pendergast, place the princess under house arrest.
What?
Sorry, Dad. Wait, what do you mean, "house arrest"?
I'm simply taking care of the kingdom by detaining you, the assassin.
Wait a minute. You saw what happened.
It was an accident. I wasn't trying to kill anybody.
Tiabeanie, I am merely trying to avoid a constitutional crisis.
We don't even have a constitution.
That's what makes it a crisis. Take her away!
I love saying that.
Ugh. What a nightmare.
They can't keep me in here forever.
Sorry, I'm under strict orders to keep you here forever. Also, Turbish.
-So, where is Turbish? -He's watching your escape window.
Hi, Bean.
Now's no time for a nap, psycho killer.
-What are you two doing here? -We came to help you.
We walked in while you were talking to the guard.
It's one of the benefits of being short.
Elfo sneaks in and out of your room all the time.
It's for research.
We all know rats are magnets for filth-borne disease.
So, what better way to pull the disease from his body
than by covering him in freshly shampooed rats?
He's moving. The recovery is underway!
Sure, crawl in. What could it hurt?
Oh, my God! What are they doing to him?
These fools don't know anything about stience or medicine.
I gotta help my dad before they cure him to death.
I think you're in serious trouble with the murder and all.
Attempted murder.
And it wasn't even murder, and I didn't attempt anything.
And they know it.
Why are they doing this to me?
Miss Moonpence, is the Archdruidess here?
- Yes, Minister. -Good. Send her in.
Blessings on your hat
and the head that fills it, Prime Minister.
And also with you, Archdruidess.
I hear the king grows weaker.
Where did you hear that?
King Zog is alive, but in a very bad way. Princess Tiabeanie wounded him severely.
Dear God, or Gods, what is to become of our kingdom?
Miss Moonpence, you may go to the park to eat your carrot now.
Yes, Minister.
So?
-I said now, Miss Moonpence. - Yes, Minister.
Dreamland law says that if the king cannot serve,
the crown goes to his oldest male heir. That would be Derek.
But if the child is not an adult,
then his mother shall serve as regent until the boy reaches adulthood.
Yes, but what if the mother is not available to serve?
Then, the regent would be the child's caretaker
as named in the divorce decree.
And whose name was inserted as caretaker
into the divorce decree over which you officiated?
Son of a bitch, it's you!
That means, if Derek becomes king, you become regent,
and the young king becomes your puppet!
Our puppet.
-Did someone mention puppets? -Get out of here, Derek!
Oh.
Princess Tiabeanie may be an obstacle. She's quite popular.
And willful. A very modern woman, positively 13th-century.
But we can change popular opinion.
In times of trouble, we may be tempted to assign blame to just one person.
So, let's do that, shall we?
I am talking, of course, about Princess Tiabeanie.
Now, get out there and spread the word. Go on, get the hell out of here.
Scapegoating. Finally, this religion is going somewhere.
My boy works in the castle,
and he says she shot him with a magic wand.
Well, in my professional opinion as a fishmonger,
the princess is a witch.
And she's always hanging out with that black cat with the big nose
and that annoying toad in the elf hat.
And how come people always seem to die around her?
Just the arsenic today, thanks.
I heard, if you look her in the eyes,
she makes you fall in love with her, then turns you into a toad!
And that's just what she did to Elfo.
That's why he's all green and weird-looking.
Quiet, or Toad Elfo will hear us.
I've been green and weird-looking all my life.
You know that. I've gotta tell Bean.
Bean, you're not gonna believe this.
Hear ye, hear ye! Let it be known that Prince Derek shall be crowned king
and Princess Tiabeanie shall be tried for attempted murder as a witch!
I believe it.
King? But isn't Daddy still alive?
I'm afraid he's in no shape whatsoever to rule.
And we need someone of your obvious leadership abilities.
But these are just toy soldiers.
It's best if you think of the real ones as cheap and expendable, too.
And you can just think of Odval and me
as your new mommy and daddy, my sweet little...
Oh, hell, just do what we tell you!
Oh! So sorry, sire. Let me remove this from your weary head.
And... doink.
Boy, bring this to Odval, immediately.
Here comes the king. I am the king! I'm walking down this-- Oh!
I crown thee King Derek the First.
And, God willing, the only.
Long live King Derek!
Uh... Let a new era of...
Greatness.
...greatness and, uh...
Freedom from influence.
...freedom from influence begin!
Hoorah!
Now, Princess, will you confess to being a witch?
No.
So, you insist on putting us through the ordeal of a long trial?
Actually, I'm partial to long trials.
-Wrong answer! -Spin the wheel, Stan.
Ow, ow, ow.
Ow.
You tried to kill your father with this magic wand!
I did not! And it's not a magic wand. It's a stience gun, and you know it.
Oh, really? How can you possibly know what I know unless you're a witch?
Was that a cackle? I definitely heard a cackle.
That wasn't a cackle, because I'm not a...
-Spin the wheel. -...witch!
Princess, you know the outcome of a trial is unlikely to go your way.
That is the kind of stinkin' thinkin' that loses trials.
We can win this, Bean. Now, if you'll excuse us,
we have to consult with our client as soon as she stops spinning.
Very well. See you in court.
Hi, Bean. Hi. What's up?
One more.
Hi. Me and Luci are your lawyers.
I'm doomed.
I'm afraid he's getting worse.
Hmm. Mop Girl, remove the king's bandages.
Uh, don't you think I should wash my hands first?
And risk washing away all that life-giving soot?
Patience, sire. I have summoned an expert in the tactile arts to examine you.
What do you think, Old Man Touchy? Not me!
Oh, yes, very bad. There is very little life essence left.
But I am detecting... some roast beef.
And mashed potatoes with...
gravy.
How does it feel to be king, sire?
I'm bored. Let's have a war!
Maybe later. Right now, we have to see your aptitude for dispensing justice.
It is the king's duty to preside over trials,
and tomorrow, we'll be having a very important one. Now...
Yorg here claims this hog as his own property.
Targon maintains that the hog escaped from his farm
and rightfully belongs to him.
Hmm.
I believe I have reached a verdict.
A surprisingly shrewd decision.
Can I pet the piggy now?
I think he's ready.
I'm sorry we don't have bowls, but, you know,
this will all be over before you know it.
That's comforting, coming from an executioner.
You'll be fine. I have great faith in our judicial system.
I threw a snowball at the castle when I was seven.
I'm still waiting for my pre-trial hearing.
Oh. Shut your gob, you tit.
You're always going on about this "pre-trial hearing."
Every 20 years, like clockwork. Somebody stab me in the eyeball.
-Hey, Bean. How are you holding up? -I've been better.
You guys are my only hope. Are you sure you can handle this?
Well, Elfo's just trying to look down your shirt.
But I am an ace trial attorney.
You? You have actual experience?
No, but I summer clerked for Satan in '08.
I even wrote a brief about cruel and unusual punishment.
Right on a guy's scrotum. With a typewriter.
Father? Can you hear me? I need to talk to you.
Remember how I used to wake you up from your naps
and you would chase me through the castle?
-Wakey wakey!
Rise and shine, Father.
Father, dear, are you dying?
-Listen, Derek... -Yeah?
-I need to tell you something. -What?
I don't know when I'm gonna die.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but...
Well, it's feeling like Thursday.
Good, so there's time. I could use the benefit of your wisdom.
-What? -What is justice?
Oh, thank God. I thought this was gonna be the sex talk.
How do you make a decision that's fair?
You can't. Someone always feels like it's not fair to them.
And the fairest decisions,
those are the ones where everybody feels screwed.
I've never seen that before in my storybooks.
Life's full of stuff you've never seen before.
Like that tunnel of white light opening over my bed.
-Can't you see it? -No.
Uh-oh.
Look, you've just got to go with your gut, son. You'll do fine.
Now, will you put that nice, cool rag on my head?
Sure.
Thank you, Father.
All rise for judge and living embodiment of justice, King Derek!
Uh... Begin trial!
Oh, God. Derek, you're the judge?
Silence, sister! It's Big King Derek to you!
Guess I should've been nicer to him these last 14 years.
Nah, it was worth it.
Sire, today, I shall prove, using only the most rigorous logic,
that this is a 900-year-old witch...
who used this diabolical, pearl-handled, snub-nosed magic wand
to cast a spell of manslaughter on our beloved king. God rest his soul.
He's not even dead!
Order in the court! Sit down, Bean!
Ow! What did I do?
So, you're saying Bean behaved so disgracefully at a formal state dinner
that she nearly set off a war?
No, what Chazz said was she nearly chazzed off the whole chazz-ma-tazz.
-You know what I mean? -I do not,
but let that be entered into the record.
That's "Chazz" with five "z's."
I think I've done enough court reporting to know how to spell "Chazz."
Yes, I'd say Bean is positively bewitching in her beauty
and mesmerizing with her charm.
Witchcraft and mesmerism!
Expert testimony from the man she turned into a pig
just so she didn't have to marry him.
But it wasn't Bean's fault. It was my own vanity.
To think I was more handsome as a man
than a glorious, squealing, curly-tailed, pink and hairless--
Oh, quiet. What do you know? You're just a pig.
Tell me, Mr. Sorcerio,
you not only witnessed Tiabeanie attack King Zog with this wand,
but you've had previous odd encounters with her.
So many. She was once brought to me when she was possessed by a demon.
I was too busy to cure her myself, so she was referred to a colleague,
the esteemed exorcist, Big Jo.
And did Big Jo verify that, in fact, he had exorcised the demon?
Hmm. I didn't get a chance to speak with him,
as the princess had pushed him into a volcano.
Hmm.
And now, I'd like to call Bean's closest friend,
her inseparable elf companion, Elfo.
I'm already here.
Now, tell me, Mr. Fo,
what did you think when you first saw Bean?
That she was the most beautiful, pure and good woman I'd ever seen.
Objection! She was the only woman he'd ever seen.
Sustained.
I don't want to hear any romantic or sexy talk about my own sister.
Bleh!
Sorry. Let me rephrase that.
Have you seen Bean act in ways that show her pureness of heart?
Oh, my gosh, like, all the time. Bean is the best.
I mean, we've been through so much together.
I remember, um, there was one time after I died,
and, well, it's kind of a crazy story, but Bean and I ended up together in Hell.
-Bean was in Hell?
Uh, objection, Your Honor. This witness is an idiot.
-Hey! -Overruled.
-Permission to cross-examine immediately. -Granted.
Now, you mean to tell us you specifically saw Tiabeanie in Hell?
Oh, yeah. We all were there in the flames of eternal damnation. Me, Bean and Luci.
Elfo, no! They won't understand.
Permission to approach the witness and punch him in the face?
Denied. Go on, Mr. Odval.
And what, pray tell, were you doing in Hell?
Well, after I got kicked out of Heaven
and plunged all the way down to Hell to meet up with Bean,
we were strapped to these big chairs and the popcorn was out of reach,
so we needed to trick the devils and escape.
So, you wanted to be even more underhanded than the devils themselves?
Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.
Sire, this is all the proof we need.
If you don't mind, I'll go right into my closing remarks.
Ladies and gentlemen,
never before has there been such a clear-cut case of witchcraft.
Here we have Tiabeanie,
the daughter of Dagmar, a known dark sorceress and murderess.
Tiabeanie, who attempted to murder her own father with witchcraft.
Tiabeanie, who visited Hell with these two accomplices,
whom I daresay ought to be tried and found guilty right here and now!
Wait, what?
And, as if you need any more evidence,
one of these accomplices is her witch's familiar, a talking cat!
I rest my case and turn the floor over to my colleague, the talking cat.
Ladies and gentlemen, I may just be a simple country cat,
but all I see here is a girl. A girl who dared to be different.
To stick out and speak up.
And if that's being guilty, then go ahead and consider her guilty.
-Can do. -But if you do,
you're all a bunch of stupid, small-minded,
mouth-breathing, superstitious ding-dongs,
who are completely delusional and vote against your own self-interest.
So, pass around a tub of melted ice cream for y'all to guzzle down
and get fatter and stupider. I rest my case.
Uh, thank you. I just need to debilitate on this for a bit.
Deliberate.
Yeah. Until I render my decision...
I got that right. Yes!
The accused and her accomplices are to be kept in the dungeon.
Derek! You little weasel!
Court jaborned!
They're gonna burn us at the stake.
Oh, God, I'm gonna smell like burnt candy corn.
I've known Bean all my life, and while she's done some wicked things,
like the time she stuffed that monkey inside my teddy bear
and it ran off a cliff and into the ocean...
But she did rescue me from that big skillet.
Hmm.
I don't think a witch would do that.
And most of those witnesses were more pea-brained than I am.
Father said I should go with my gut, and I think I know which way.
Our lives hang by a thread.
I can't believe Elfo can sleep at a time like this.
I'm not sleeping. I keep passing out every time I think about it.
Oh, God, we're all gonna die!
Mmm, death by public execution. With an elf. Ugh, this is so humiliating.
I thought you were immortal.
Of course I'm immortal. I'm a demon, damn it!
You know me. As you burn up, I'll probably be making flippant comments.
Oh, God, I've even lost the power to lie convincingly.
And that's not even a power, more of a mental defect.
Blessings on your hat and the head that fills it. And also with you.
We have a problem. It appears King Derek may be leaning toward acquittal.
He thinks he is following his father's advice.
Then perhaps the only way to achieve the goals of the society
would be to remove Zog from the equation.
Ahem. Speaking of removing things...
Hey, what the hell? I thought they were gonna burn us at the stake.
Not if I can help it.
Hmm.
You're rescuing us?
Other than me good self,
there's no one in the world Bunty loves more than you.
And I believe her. So, stand back!
The catacombs! I didn't know they were under the dungeon.
They're under everything. Over some things, too.
They were poorly planned.
Just head east and you'll end up by the docks.
Godspeed, my friends. Don't slip on the rats.
Bean, come on. He said east.
I can't leave. Not yet.
Dad. Dad.
-Beanie. -Dad, listen.
It's not safe for you here anymore. Don't trust anyone, okay?
Mmm-hmm.
Now, I need to take care of something.
I need to take out that bullet or you could die of infection.
-"Infection"? -Modern medicine.
"Modern"? "Medicine"?
I learned it from that Steamland guy.
Now, it's gonna hurt bad, so have some of this.
Just like old times.
Hey, give me some more of that modern medicine.
I'll try to be as quick as possible.
Hold him still and give him something to bite down on.
I feel it. The bullet, it's not deep.
That's disgusting.
But I just don't think she'd ever try to kill him--
Guilty!
Any final words before the burning?
Did you ever have one of those dreams where you're about to die
and at the last second, you suddenly wake up and everything's okay?
Well, this isn't one of those. God damn it.
We're really here. It's really now.
While I was growing up, I was completely lost,
and then after I met you guys I was still lost,
but at least we got lost together.
It looks like we're not gonna finish our journey.
But I'm happy to know deep down in my heart that I'm a--
Witch!
That's enough now, Bean.
Please join me in prayer for these three damned souls,
that they may find endless agony and torment
in an afterlife of eternal suffering.
That's not what prayers are for.
-Shut up. -Sorry.
Light the fire.
No, I can't do it.
- Burn them all! - Witches!
I've forgotten my sad life for a moment!
Oh. A fire. That's nice.
Somehow, we ended up in this stupid world together...
So, let's leave it together.
Wait. You're not gonna die, ever. Unless... You mean...
Well, I have a confession to make.
When I got out of Hell, I was stripped of my immortality.
I gave it all up for you losers.
I'm telling you now because I'd like you to die feeling bad.
Oh, man.
This may seem like too little, too late, but thank you.
I'm gonna miss you too, buddy.
See you in Hell, boys.
Welcome, friends.
-Ah, they're still here.
What, no hug?