[opening theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
[Bean groans]
[grunts] I'd say it's good to be back,
but I can't shake the feeling that life is meaningless
and I'm gonna die alone.
I'm cold, and I hate everything, and this gravel really hurts,
but it's exactly how I feel inside, so it makes sense.
Those were my pet squirrel's last words before he died.
He was a talking squirrel. He got run over by a wheelbarrow.
Those were his only words.
[elf grunts]
Get lost, you deadbeat! See you in church!
Oh, hey, deadbeats.
Whoa. You two look like you need a drink.
I say that to all my customers, but this time I mean it.
No, thanks. That's just gonna make me sadder.
And then happier. And then sadder.
Me and Bean both had our hearts broken.
She fell in love with a mermaid, but it might've been in her head.
And Elfo fell for a gal who was just a head.
Obviously, we're not fixated on traditional body norms.
Wow. You two are really hurt, huh?
Noice! I don't want to miss this. [scats]
Halt! Why goes there?
Not "why," you idiot. "Who." Besides, you know who it is. It's Bean.
Bean's an idiot?
No, you are! That's who.
I'm who goes there?
No! Who goes there, goes there. And now they're gone.
Good to know the kingdom is still in safe hands.
Sire, would you like to do something
about the people in the streets who are dying of starvation?
[singing despondently] ♪ My cat is fancy ♪
♪ Look at his little crown ♪
Uh, speakin' of starvation, I'm in the mood for several shish kebabs
and some, like… [smacks lips] baba ghanoush.
-[scoffs] -Announcing the unexpected return
of Princess Tiabeanie!
Warning, she appears to be in a bit of a mood.
-[slaps] -Ow!
[Odval] Hmm…
Beanie, you're back! How was the health spa?
Um, what?
I had to tell poor Zøggy you were somewhere safe
because he is losing his mind.
Did you get chazzed? I did. [babbles]
I think he's getting worse.
-[honking] -Quiet! That's enough!
Every time Zøg honks,
he takes one step closer to total insanity.
-[honks] -Oh, no.
He's just gone from nuts to screwy.
I have been looking after him for weeks, and now it's your turn.
-[honks] -Ugh. I need nap.
I've got a lot to do now.
Like go to my room and cry in the fetal position.
My pillow's not gonna sob into itself.
-[slaps] -I deserve that.
This could ruin everything.
We must inform the Secret Society of Tiabeanie's return.
Indeed. The time to act is now. Wink, wink.
Don't say, "Wink, wink." Just wink.
Oh, sorry.
-Wink. -[sighs]
[Zøg exclaiming and babbling]
[sighs] Finally, all alone.
-Oh, hello, Princess! -Bunty!
I missed you, ma'am.
I've thought about you every single day since you've been gone,
waiting right here.
I'm gonna be honest. I completely forgot about you
until this very second. Let's catch up later, though.
Righty-o! Come along, children. You, too, Bunty Junior.
I was conceived in this bed.
-[sighs] -[Oona] Vello again.
-My God! Oona, you're relentless. -Thank you.
Leave me alone, okay?
I just need time to forget
about the greatest thing that ever maybe didn't happen to me.
You can bother me again when I grow a new heart.
You look confused 'cause you grow stuff back all the time,
but that's not something I can do.
I know is hard to believe, but I was once in love. Real love.
When it came to an end, I wanted to die.
Yeah, samesies.
I drop down for stepmother-crazy daughter talk, okay?
Bean, death is not good option. I had to move on with my life.
I got over my love by getting under your dad.
-Ew! -Oh, don't play dainty with me.
We don't have time for you to wallow.
Wallowing is underrated.
People no longer expect things from you and you get to stop showering.
I'm stuck with the sad, empty feeling of heartbreak
without ever getting the fun relationship part!
Full disclosure, it did get pretty hot, though.
I mean, if it really happened.
We were on this beach and, like,
it was so hot that I didn't even care about the sand, if you know what I mean.
Ah, yes, like sea turtle.
No, Oona, not like sea turtle.
Like sand crab?
You know what? It doesn't really matter, Oona, okay?
Just forget it.
Sweetie, you're young and beautiful and sandy.
Someday, the right man, or woman, or creature will mate with you.
Then you must eat them.
Until then, you mustn't run from reality. And things like booze will not help.
Then what will?
Drugs.
Uh, I don't feel any…
[yells] Whoa! There it is!
Now, as you scream,
think about key moments in your life and see them in new light.
[both screaming]
[both grunt]
Whoa, I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes. [gasps] Am I dying?
No, is effect of drugs.
Unless you took too much drugs, in which case, you are dying.
Dying, I'm gonna go with it.
'Cause I let my friend Elfo die and where do you go when you die?
Elfo went to Heaven, but I ended up going to Hell to rescue him.
I'd rescue him anywhere. We gotta get the band back,
but guess what? We never even got back together,
and we all talk about it, and it's never gonna happen.
But you know what? I'm still a good friend 'cause I went to Hell for him and got him!
Maybe that's my purpose.
I mean, go to Hell for people. What else has gone to Hell?
What else can I go to Hell for?
Dreamland!
Oh, my God! I need to be a friend to Dreamland.
Is good realization.
My whole life has been a lie. The mother I trusted is evil.
The stepmother I thought was evil is harmless.
Oh, yes, evil stepmother trope is very problematic.
I've been through a lot. I evaded two loveless weddings,
one where the guy accidentally got killed.
Not my fault. Maybe a little bit. Whatever.
The second one, the guy turned into a pig. Not my fault. Maybe a bit. Whatever.
I had a love-filled fantasy hallucination with a mermaid
and I still have a sweet, pint-sized stalker who I love, sure.
But, like, I'm not in love with. There's a difference, you know?
People say they have personal demons,
but I actually have one that was sent to destroy my life.
I mean, we're all at odds, but…
Oh, my God, we form a trio. Just like the Trøgs said.
What the hell is Trøgs?
No amount of drugs in the world could explain them.
Now I don't know what's real and what's a dream.
That's what Luci once said, but he was high, so I discounted it.
But now I think it means something.
All I really know is that I need to focus on things that I can fix.
Like, how bad I smell.
Oh, my God, I wanna shower again.
That means I've regained the will to live!
I have to start believing in myself because I'm a savior
and saviors save people from things like scary robots!
Robots are basically tiny suits of armor without anyone inside of them
that roll around on squeaky wheels and try to kill you.
But they're super easy to tip over. And Steamland also has one of my boots.
Someday I will get that boot back. As God as my witness, I will get it back.
But the absolute most insane thing of all?
There is this giant wall of sandwiches.
Okay, that's quite enough, Tiabeanie.
You must remember that women, or womanish variants,
are not allowed at these council meetings.
But gender is a construct. You guys have to listen.
Steamland, an entire country, is out to get us.
They want our magic, but we don't have any magic.
We don't even have reggae. But, please, you gotta believe me!
All we believe is that you just spewed a bunch of nonsense.
You, scrivener.
Strike everything Princess Tiabeanie just said from the record.
All 37 minutes, sir?
-Hmm. -Hmm. Cutting from quote,
"Whoa, dude, these drugs are really kicking in."
"Oh, wow. I can't feel my face. Do I still have a face?"
"You know what I feel like doing right now?"
"I really wanna stab that stuck-up scrivener in the eye with a fork."
-[groans] -And you two, scoot.
What, they think that I'm gonna go back to my bedroom and cry?
I'll show them.
Oona, how do we show them?
[Oona groaning]
Classic Oona.
Hey, Snarla? Can I ask you somethin'?
Did I ever tell you about the big skillet?
[Snarla] Yeah, shut up about the skillet, Derek.
Yikes.
[wind whistling]
Oh, boy. Thank God this is just a hallucination.
She's clearly a threat. And she might be on to us.
Do you think she knows about the royal curse?
Or the Secret Society?
Or the much more inconsequential return of Stryker and Bolt?
Doubtful. She's usually in too much of an alcoholic haze to really notice.
Man, I feel sorry for whoever they're talkin' about.
But we must do something about the king.
It is inconvenient that Zøg is still alive.
[Apothecary] Judging from the blood sample I took,
he should be dead ten times over.
I use the term "blood" loosely. It's really more of a sauce.
He's the last member left in the family lineage
before the curse is finally lifted.
In the alphabet, there's no letter after "Z."
At least, not that I know of.
We should hasten his demise, just as we did with his brother.
Indeed. But I fear Zøg is not as easy a target as Yøg.
But he is a bigger target. Huh? Huh? [chuckles]
Oh, no!
Hiya, Bean!
We must gather again to set our plan in motion
with the aid of the Secret Society.
It begins and ends at our meeting at the next full moon.
Uh, will there be an orgy?
Yes.
Do not bring Turbish.
[breathing heavily]
-[Elfo] Um, who is it? -It's Bean. Let me in. I need your help!
[Elfo] Oh. Yeah, just a minute.
[clattering]
[Elfo whimpers]
I don't have all night!
You can do what I think you're doing later.
[clears throat] Please. Come in.
Care for a bowl of cereal?
Oh, cool. I see you kept all my doll furniture.
I also kept the accessories.
That's my old toothbrush.
But listen, there are people inside
and outside this castle who want my dad dead,
and the kingdom is totally unprotected.
Remember the Trøgs said we're the saviors?
I pretty much just remember what Trixy told me. [shudders]
And… [shudders]
Oh, and… [exclaiming]
I never ask you for little favors,
but I need you and Luci to raise an army immediately.
Think you can get people to enlist?
Get people to do something they don't wanna do?
That's my specialty. Elfo, you're doing this, too.
I don't want to, but okay.
-[door opens] -[Zøg snoring]
Psst! Oona, vake up. I have something to ask you.
Ugh. Now what?
-First of all, do you have any more drugs? -No, greedy.
You took four times the amount I did, so there is nothing left.
Second, I learned more about Odval's conspiracy.
While some of the plot seems like they're thinking of it on the fly,
there's obviously something deeper they've planned all along.
[shushes] Is not place to discuss. We must not risk waking your father.
Remember, he cannot handle any sort of surprise whatsoever.
[hawk screeches]
[Oona] So, what did you hear?
You know, just that there's some curse on our family
and the Secret Society is responsible for killing my Uncle Yøg.
And I forgot to mention that they want to take my dad out now, too!
They killed love of my life? [sobs]
They will pay!
I'm sorry, I'm not following.
Before Zøg, I was in love with Yøg.
Hold on, the guy you were talking about before was my uncle?
Wow, you really have a type, huh?
Is true. Zøg reminded me of Yøg.
Unfortunately, Zøg had all of Yøg's bad qualities
and none of his good ones.
Yeah, I can see that. So, what we do now?
Well, good news is you are clearly over your heartbreak.
Bad news is this is very bad news.
Let's murder everyone in that stupid Secret Society right this second.
No. Is not best tactic.
We must shadow the shadow organization so that we can learn their plan.
Wow, Oona, you're so wise.
Well, I get enlightenment from my weed.
My one regret is that I didn't start taking drugs at younger age.
-[upbeat music playing] -[indistinct chatter]
Calling all alkies! Join the Dreamland army.
The noblest way to abandon your family for long stretches of time!
-[indistinct chatter] -[Luci yelling] Line up, losers!
Do you like travel, exercise, fascism,
beatin' your comrades with a bar of soap in a sock,
and murder with no consequences?
[all clamoring] Yeah!
[grunts] Old Man Touchy reporting for duty.
[gibbers]
Ugh! Save it for the battlefield, soldier.
-[gasps] -[Odval] What happened to all the knives?
Rats, like, swiped 'em. [chuckles]
We've barely time to put this affair in motion
and without every necessary element, our plan is doomed.
We'll split up to most efficiently gather the remaining items.
Like when we're antiquing. Wink, wink.
-I mean, wink. -[sighs]
And we will split up and follow them. But remember--
Don't get too close. Yeah, I totally got it down! [exclaims]
Whoa. This morning I wanted to die and now, not so much.
Greetings, Darrell. Blessings on your hat and the head that fills it.
And also with you, Prime Minister Odval. What can I do for you today?
Googly-eyed clamshell? Edge of the World Fudge? Gum?
[chuckles] No, Darrell. Today I need something far more nefarious.
Did that book I ordered come in?
I have it right here. How to Hypnotize Your Boss.
It's pretty good.
You know how to keep your mouth shut, don't you?
Sure, I guess.
-Even under pain of torture? -Sure, I guess.
You ever get the feeling your life is going nowhere, Darrell?
Sure, I guess.
Oh, Mr. Odval?
[in hypnotist voice] You're getting sleepy.
Oh, shut up, Darrell.
These two are Numb and Number.
Causes paralysis so you can tell people off before their demise.
And who can resist the sweet allure of poisoned cake?
'Course you'll have to wait for your victim's birthday
and they'll have to be named "Gordon" as well.
Oh, I don't have that sort of time.
Well, I do have the world's deadliest scorpion.
[thud]
Bill? Bill?
Bill?
Welcome to Dirk's Dirks. I'm Henry.
Hello, Henry. I am Odval.
[whispers] I am looking for an array of stabbing instruments.
-[chuckles] -You don't got to whisper, my man!
You want a dozen of our sharpest dirks to murder some people with?
Well, comin' right up!
Move it, you dirty maggots and Mertz's mom!
You're the most pathetic scum
I have ever had the misfortune of layin' eyes on,
and I spend most of my days starin' at Elfo!
Hi, I'm Corporal Elfo.
[whistle blows]
What do you call those, boy?
Uh, pull-ups, sir.
I seen better pull-ups on a baby!
Are you chazzin' me? Seriously, are you freakin' chazzin' me?
Hey, they said this was don't chazz, don't tell!
[whispers] Oona.
Oona, stop hibernating.
I tailed Odval up and down
and all over the place and I figured it all out.
The Secret Society is gonna kill Zøg.
Come on, let's go slit their fat, dumb necks right now.
Oh, love the homicidal impulse, but no.
Only thing we must do now is wait for them to come to us.
But I only like gratification when it's instant.
[tense music playing]
Full moon.
Ugh, crazy girl.
Zøggy, don't go nowhere. I be back.
Okay, Oona, I stay here. [snoring]
Oh, no, I gotta pee.
[snoring]
-I really gotta pee. -[door closes]
[snoring]
-Oh, Boss. -What the…
Look into my eye, Your Majesty.
-The creepy one? -Yes.
At midnight, you'll come below the castle for a special surprise.
Oh, yeah? What? Corned beef?
Yes, corned beef. Lots and lots of corned beef.
Ya got pulled pork?
-There'll be pulled pork, yes. -Pulled pork is good.
Leg of lamb?
Leg of lamb is there, too, yes. Ah, big leg. Of lamb.
-Tenderloin? -Tenderloin, yes. Top sirloin.
-Mmm. Leg of mutton, huh? -Well, all right. Leg of mutton.
-Leg of chicken? -Whole chickens.
-Lots of chickens… -Yes, many chickens.
Hey, what, you tryin' to make a jerk out of me?
Repeat after me.
"At midnight, I must go to the basement and enter the green door."
At midnight, I must go to the basement and enter the screen door.
-Green door. -Screen door.
Just… [sighs] Just be there at midnight.
[blows]
[snoring]
[chuckles]
Phew!
[Zøg snoring]
[grunts] Odval? Is that you?
Don't make me look at your eye no more.
Oh. This ain't good. I can't leave you here.
Mmm, is it time for pork rump? [exclaims]
[Oona] I hide you good, Zøggy.
-[Zøg] There gonna be meatballs? -[Oona] Stop talking about meat.
[Zøg] What about yummy little cocktail wieners?
Trixy! What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be burrowing or giving me the space we talked about?
It's the full moon, silly.
Trøgs climb to the surface for our religion.
-[whispers] And for fun. -[whimpers]
Ooh. It's so cool you're in the army now. I love an elf who conforms.
Aren't you gonna show me in?
Ow!
-[snoring] -What the hell?
[gasps and exclaims]
I'm having that dream with them pickled babies again.
Oh, God, they're gettin' uglier.
This is killing the mood, Elfo.
[grunts] How did I get in here?
Why are you trying to kill me? Why is it so dark?
Ooh, the last one I know. 'Cause it's nighttime.
[gasping and grunting]
Oh, God, my ass is stuck.
[grunts and screams]
[continues screaming]
The wildest sex of your life will have to wait.
-The whatest what of my what? -Let's go.
[Elfo yelps]
Help! Tell that moon to stop followin' me!
It's almost midnight and I'm gettin' hungry.
-[bell tolling] -[gasps] It is midnight!
[honking]
[babbling]
[all] Moon!
You're late, Trixy. Were you with that possum again?
Don't spoil it, Craig.
[clears throat] Let the ceremony begin.
Enter the circle.
Today, folks. Come on. Pants down, moons up.
Pants down, Elfo! Oh, I'll do it.
Good, good.
Okay, make it through tonight and you make it through basic training.
Now, down on your bellies, you worthless worms!
Calling me a worm offends my eel heritage.
Quit ditherin' and start slitherin'!
[all grunting]
[Mertz's mother] What's that noise?
[smacking]
-That's right, slap that bum-bum. -[gasps]
I like what I'm seeing, but I gotta go.
[all exclaiming]
Come back here, you cowards! They're our allies!
Where you going, Deserto?
You knew this was coming.
I just thought he liked sweets.
Let the ceremony begin.
Welcome to all seekers of the secret and welcome, new members. [chuckles]
Take your assigned position. Masks on, hoods up.
Sorcerio, have you done a head count?
Oh, you know math isn't my strength, but yes. The newcomers are here.
Good. Let me remind all of you
that by the time I finish this sentence, there will be no backing out.
[whimpers]
Now, we have all waited a long time for this.
Are the new members ready to carry out the task?
[all] The task?
That's what I said.
The moment has finally come for all to be revealed.
In three, two, one.
[gasps]
Keepers of the secret, what is the greatest sin?
[all chanting] Modesty. Modesty. Modesty.
Modesty.
[sighs] God damn it. Oh, newbies, we're waiting.
-Oona? -Bean?
All right, drop your knives.
At the sound of the maracas, let the orgy begin.
[woman] Ooh!
Oh, my God. They're not gonna kill my dad, are they?
Is no murder cult, Bean. Just depressing sex club.
Now, Sorcerio. Fling open the green door.
Come right in, Your Majesty, and feast your eyes.
Bean? Oona?
[babbling]
[grunts and screams]
[maracas continue playing]
Oh, we did it, Oddie.
Zøg is 100%, scientifically, medically bonkers.
Naked Bean and Oona were the crowning touch.
Perhaps we should say the de-crowning touch.
Now, nothing stands in the way of our grand secret scheme.
[screaming]
[Oona] Zøggy!
-[Bean] Dad! Dad! -[Oona] Zøggy!
[snoring]
Oh, good. He crazy'd himself to sleep.
-Someone better guard him all night. -[Turbish] Turbish will do it.
[closing theme music playing]