[opening theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
[suspenseful music playing]
[thunder cracks]
[knock on door]
First rain, now someone's a-knockin'?
'Tis far too much excitement for folk like us.
See who it is.
Tell them we're not worthy.
[monster snorting and breathing heavily]
'Tis a monster.
Well, come in, come in.
[man] Have a bowl of flavorless mush.
-[monster grunts] -[glass shatters]
[man and woman scream]
[woman] We're sorry for screaming.
-[man loudly] Not the stool! -[monster screeching]
[thunder cracking]
[exclaims]
[sighs in relief]
-[thunder cracks] -Oh, God! Oona, you scared me.
Yes, I get that a lot.
-[thunder cracks] -[exclaims] Turbish! You scared me!
Yes, I get that a lot.
[exhales] I'm still recovering from last night's old-timer sex party.
There was a lot of drooping and dangling.
You missed the exciting Sabre Dance accident.
That really happened, right? With everybody nude?
Including me, including you…
Oh, God. Including you, Turbish?
Fun times.
Get outta here!
Dad saw it all. We drove him crazy.
I felt even more naked than I was.
Is no shame. You have nice butt cheeks.
Stop!
And are lucky you did not inherit red, bushy hair from your father.
She's right, you know?
Turbish, scram! [sighs in exasperation]
Man, Dreamland is in trouble. We've gotta do something.
[loudly] Turbish! I hear you breathing.
Okay, I'll stop.
[inhales sharply] Oh! It's too hard.
Get outta here.
[Turbish] I go bye now. Bye.
-Bye. -[Turbish] Bye.
-[Zøg honking] -And listen.
[Zøg honking]
Oh, good, he's honking. That's better than screaming.
[softly] Quietly announcing the arrival
of Pirate Queen Oona and Princess Tiabeanie,
so as not to upset the king's delicate disposition.
Huh? What's that?
[loudly] I said it's your slinky ex-wife Oona and troubled daughter Bean!
[screams]
Oh, poor Zøg.
You are tied up like giant, sweaty rump roast.
And maybe some tater tots?
And a side of green beans? [groans]
Oh, my God. Can you at least show my dad some dignity?
I mean, he's our king.
Yes, of course, Princess. We will treat Zøg with our utmost respect.
Until it's no longer necessary.
[Bean] What did you mean by that?
Nothing. Nothing at all. [chuckles]
That you have to worry about.
What did you mean by that?
Please, Tiabeanie, you can trust us.
-Wink. -[sighs]
Hey, Oona, who do you think I should punch first?
Careful, Bean. What Dreamland need right now is steady hand.
-Oh, and a new army. -What?
Elfo scared off all the new recruits last night
with his moonlight slappin' on the bum-bum.
[gasps] You saw that?
Oh, yeah, we all saw it, Elfo.
And we'll never unsee it.
We only have 12 arrows left.
We keep aiming at seagulls and missing.
Turbish!
Bean, I take care of crazy Zøggy. You take care of crazy kingdom.
[whispering] It's going to be okay.
[babbling]
No more honking.
-No, no, no more honking. -[Zøg honks]
♪ Honks go away Bye-bye, honking ♪
♪ No more honking ♪
[snoring] Mmm.
[mumbling]
[whispering] Ah! Now, everyone tiptoe out, quiet as dead mouse.
[shouting] A monster comes for us all!
[screams]
All right, you simple country folks.
Uh, tell me exactly what happened with the monster.
It trampled my corn with its humongous feet.
It tossed Granny into the next kingdom.
It rampaged through my pantry and befouled everything.
Oh, my, the smearing.
It stole my butter.
[Luci softly] Hey, psst, Bean.
Isn't it weird the monster ate everything in sight,
but didn't touch these succulent pigs?
Maybe it's a kosher monster?
Merkimer, did you see a monster around here?
Sorry, I tend not to notice things that aren't me.
What do we do, Detective Tiabeanie?
-[indistinct chatter] -I don't know yet.
Then we'll handle this ourselves!
[villagers cheer]
[man] Gouge its eyes out, one at a time.
Oh, my. What fun.
Elfo, Luci, stop!
Uh, wish I could, but my feet are going this way. Sorry, Bean.
[Luci] The masses have spoken.
No! Violence never solves anything.
Except for the one time it solved all that stuff.
But that was once.
Why are you still here? The mob went that way.
All right, jeez.
-What's your name? -Sam Buca.
-"Sambuca"? -No, Sam Buca.
First name, "Sam." Last name, "Buca."
-Hold on… -What?
-Are you married to Denise? -Yeah.
-Buca? -Yeah.
-Oh, here we go. -What?
Well, I don't wanna get into it,
but down at the pub, she was stealin' mugs.
Yeah, well, that's how we get mugs.
You can't just steal mugs from an established place.
-Oh, and you don't? -No, I don't.
-Yeah, you don't steal mugs. -Look, I--
If I need a mug, I'll go and use it at the bar.
Just go home to Denise. I'm sure you guys can, you know…
-Drink from mugs? -Yeah, that you stole.
-Not… Yeah. Okay, fine. -Okay, fine.
-I've gotta go. -Well, I'm… Yeah, you should go.
I'll tell Denise you said--
No, please do not tell her anything about me.
Well, she has to know.
Don't you have a mob to join?
Yeah, maybe I do. Ciao.
Uh, what?
I'm gonna go eat some chow. I'm hungry.
Some detective you are.
[villagers clamoring]
[monster grunting]
Look, there it goes!
We got ourselves a runner!
[chuckles] They always head for the abandoned tower.
[villagers clamoring]
We don't wanna kill ya, we just wanna burn ya some.
Stop! Stop! Monsters are people, too.
No, they're not. We're barely people ourselves.
Okay, until we find out what it is, we're not burning anything.
Too late, ma'am. Rufus done set the castle on fire.
God damn it.
Don't die in there, Bean. I'm not stable enough for grief right now.
And I want my knife back.
[Elfo groans]
[grunts]
[panting]
-[breathing heavily] Hi. Hey. -[grunts]
Hi.
I'm Bean.
Okay, so, you see that crazy castle over there?
That's where I'm from.
No, no, not that one.
That's the mini-golf course that no one goes to anymore, 'cause…
Anyway, okay, listen. I know things look pretty bad right now.
The rubes have you cornered, the tower's on fire,
and I'm pointing this big knife at what I think is your face.
Which I will use if I have to, but I don't want to.
I wanna be your friend.
Believe it or not,
I know what it feels like to be burned alive by a mob of idiots.
I get it, you're scared. I'm scared, too.
If we both stay calm, and nobody makes any sudden moves,
this whole thing will turn out fine.
What do you say we hug it out and head downstairs?
-Oh, my God, you're on fire! Okay… -[screeching]
-Merkimer? -[grunts]
[both grunting]
[monster groans]
No one hurt him any more than he already is.
It's not a monster, okay? It's Prince Merkimer.
[all gasp]
One of your many handsome fiancés.
I'd know my fine, dimpled ass anywhere.
-Stay back, Rufus! -[groans]
-[Mertz] We got him. -[Turbish] We caught the monster.
That's no monster. That's Sam Buca, the mug thief.
Ooh, the mystery of the missin' mugs--
Has been solved.
This is a vendetta 'cause you're jealous of Denise.
No, this is not a vendetta.
This is because these buffoons are the worst backup ever.
I have no army. Dreamland is screwed!
-Denise says hi. -What?
She says she's high.
On bread mold? And you can't have any.
What's your prognosis, Sorcerio?
I'm not sure what that word means, but look at this.
Every time I jab him, he squeals.
[squeals]
What about the curse? Can you get Merkimer back into his body?
I have such a yearning for opposable thumbs.
Do you know how hard it is to pleasure oneself with hooves?
'Tis well-nigh impossible!
A curse reversal, you say?
This is a job for a wizard of exceptional power.
So I'm out.
You mean I'm trapped as a useless pig forever?
[shouting] No!
On the bright side, look at this cool trick I just taught the human you.
-Flick. -[gulps]
Good.
-Flick! -[gulps]
Good.
Please stop that.
You compound my sorrow with those nauseating cheeseballs.
Oh, my God, you guys. It totally looks like he's talking!
Elfo, flick him another one.
[Elfo] Flick.
Merkimer, say something.
I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I've been humiliated enough.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to enjoy this butter I stole.
[gulps]
Oh, sweet butter, you're the only thing right with the world.
Oh, Bean, you're right. It's uncanny.
Hmm, how many of those snack treats you got?
What do you think that sack is filled with?
Pack your cheeseballs. We're going to Bentwood.
[adventurous music playing]
I'm sorry, but we're not taking refugees today.
Or any day.
Of course, no. Yeah.
Uh, I'm actually Princess Tiabeanie from the mighty kingdom of Dreamland,
and we're on a diplomatic mission of great secrecy and importance.
Not in that thing, you ain't.
For God's sake, enough chitter chatter.
Let us in right now or I'll have you transferred to an early grave.
Prince Merkimer! Forgive me.
I'll order your usual fanfare immediately. [claps twice]
[playing smooth jazz tune]
Bow lower.
Even lower.
-[all grunt] -[snickers]
[regal harpsichord music playing]
[Bean] Huh. Actually not as grand as I thought it'd be.
[Merkimer] That's the garage.
[playing regal tune]
[Merkimer] Mother! Father!
The rest of you.
I, Prince Merkimer of Bentwood, welcome you all to my return.
Is that Merkimer? [groans]
You hug him this time.
[soldiers grunt]
Oh, happy day.
Uh… Merkimer, my favorite son since my favorite son died.
You've returned.
But this is impossible. You were transposed into a pig.
I saw it. How did you--
Sorcerio, our fabulous wizard,
he switched your pig-son Merkimer back into his human-body Merkimer.
[all gasp]
I return your son to you, asking nothing in return.
Except for… [clears throat]
one little favor?
Oh, here we go.
Dreamland needs a large amount of money, right away,
and maybe some cannons, arrows, plus shields and swords.
And what're those ball-chain-y things called?
You dare ask for ball-chain-y things
after killing one son and pig-ifying the other?
I hear you, I do.
I'm listening hard, but I need you to listen back.
Prince Merkimer might have something to say that'll change your minds.
You're on, baby.
-Flick. -[gulps]
Friends, enemies, friends with benefits,
lackeys, lickspittles, flunkies, flatterers, ass-kissers
and all of fair Bentwood, listen up.
Today, you receive a gift from heaven.
Me.
[crowd cheers]
[Elfo] Flick.
And for this gift, we owe a tremendous debt of gratitude
to none other than…
-me. -[whispering] What?
Now, let the celebration of all things Merkimer begin.
Free beer at the pub, for as long as my allowance lasts.
That's not why we came here.
-[crowd cheers] -[upbeat harpsichord music playing]
Great speech.
Now, maybe can we talk about the money and weapons we came here for?
In due time, Bean. In due time.
[indistinct chatter]
[Merkimer chuckles]
[Bean sighs in exasperation]
A toast to Prince Merkimer.
A gallant guzzler who never met a table he couldn't drink someone under.
[all chanting] Slurp, slurp, slurp.
Huzzah!
Good show.
Just like old times, eh, Merk?
-Quite so. -[burps]
[all laughing]
[oinks]
[all chuckle]
I thought we were done with this charade when he went off and became a pig.
Which was a step up, by the way.
[all laughing]
[sighs]
[groaning]
[Bean] Ugh, God, where's his bed? It's dark in here.
It's right in front of you.
-[grunts] -[thud]
-Close enough. What a jerk. -Big jerk.
Of all the jerks in this jerk kingdom, I think the worst is Merkimer.
Sigh.
I forgive you.
I know you didn't mean for me to overhear that.
I did mean that.
[Bunny] Oh, brother-husband.
There's that pig our son seems so attached to!
Ugh, hideous creature.
What do you mean? The pig or our son?
[both laugh]
Woe is me.
I'm so very, very, very, very, very…
[continues repeating]
sad.
Leave me be. I'm crestfallen and I can't get up.
All right, knock off the self-pity.
We're wasting time, and drinks are really expensive in this place.
We need to close the deal with your parents now.
Where's Big Boy Merkimer?
[scoffs] I don't know.
Last time I saw him, he was in the corner trying to mount his own shadow.
He abandoned me, like everyone eventually does.
-I'm so alone. -[door closes]
Sigh.
[Bean] Why did I think Merkimer would ever come through for us?
God, I feel so naive.
[Luci] I would have also accepted stupid, foolish or schmucky.
You don't need that little pink squealer. You can ask his parents yourself.
Hey, yeah! I'll just put on the ol' pathetic, single princess act.
[chuckles]
Yeah, "put on."
Mad.
[Bean] Look, there's Merkimer.
But where are King Lorenzo and Queen Bunny?
[Merkimer] Mumsy and Daddy? I had enough of them.
Merkimer, shut up. You're not helping.
I'm not trying to help.
Also, I didn't say anything.
Then who did?
It was I.
-[all exclaim] -What?
You can talk?
I can even soliloquize, Princess Tiabeanie.
Once, I lived a wild and carefree bachelor life
of rampaging naked across the countryside.
But you took that away from me.
From the moment you hosed me off, I have been watching you.
Slowly, I learned to speak, but I held my tongue,
biding my time until the moment I could deploy the art you've best schooled me in.
-Backstabbing. -[all gasp]
Welcome to my one-man revolution.
This is a coup.
I've imprisoned everyone who laughed at me, belittled me,
or beat me at badminton.
Guards who live in this tube,
come to the throne room immediately and arrest the princess and her boy-toys.
Oh, I like that. Hey!
Merkimer, do something.
I intend to.
[grunts]
Take her away.
What? I thought that we were buds, you know?
We had, like, a banter! We bonded!
And we're both screwed-up royal kids, searching for ourselves.
It would take a lot of love-making with me to change my mind.
Take me away.
I'm gonna tell your mumsy and daddy about this.
Please do. They're awaiting you in the dungeon.
You know, Merkimer? I have dreamed of this day all my life.
Seeing myself sitting there on the throne.
Ruler over all.
Vanquisher of my enemies.
A big, fat smirk on my face.
But it's been a lonely dream.
Amazingly, I've had the same dream myself, Merkimer.
-Really? -Really.
Here, I have something for you.
And I, you.
Merkimer.
Oh, Merkimer.
[both laughing]
[both continue laughing]
We wouldn't be in this dungeon
if you'd married our spoiled, ungrateful son in the first place.
Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't marry a pig
just so you could have more poor people to tax.
Don't play coy with me. You know what that alliance was about.
Yeah, finally settling my bar tab.
Young lady, it had nothing to do with our fabulous wealth,
and everything to do with Dreamland's secret resources.
And I will get them.
Lorenzo always gets what he wants.
Guards, let us out this instant.
No way, you greedy bastard.
[sighs]
[both laughing]
I just heard about the coup.
As the palace wizard,
I offer you my humble but fabulous magical services,
Your revolutionary Highnesses.
Please, call us what we call ourselves.
[both] The Merkimer boys.
Oh, God.
[snorts]
[gasps] Mom?
My poor Bean. Tricked by a pig.
Don't you know you can't trust anyone but yourself?
Your friends will all leave you in the end.
Every last one.
And then you'll be all alone, with only me behind you.
[gasps]
Luci, you wouldn't leave me, would you?
No. Till death do us part, Beanie baby.
Merkimer, I've come to a decision. I want to be a pig again.
You do? You surprise me, me.
Yes. I see the way you eat and sleep and bathe…
Well, not bathe.
And I long for those days.
I want to switch bodies with you again. What say you?
Well, it's only my most fondest wish.
But this is impossible.
It would take a wizard of great competence to produce such a spell.
You mean anyone but Sorcerio.
The potion is ready.
I drew blood from the visiting elf.
My, what a squirmer.
We can dispose of him now.
Poor, sweet Elmo. He's always been there for us.
That's why I remembered his name.
[guard] Your Majesty, the torture chamber is ready.
Torture chamber? Isn't that cruel?
Your friend Bean wanted money. Now, she'll drown in it.
[guard] Man, what a jerk.
Oh, is this thing on?
Well, at least they gave us our own room.
Look, that ceiling panel's opening up.
-That ain't good. -Ow!
A coin? Ow!
Another coin. Ow!
Ow! Ow!
-Hmm, I'm sensing a pattern here. -Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
-Elfo. -What? Ow!
-Scoot away. -No, I was here first. Ow!
-I'm not jealous of getting hit. -Ow!
-Just scoot your-- -You clearly are. Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[chuckles softly] Jealous? Ow!
I'm not at all.
You clearly are. [shakily] Ow!
I'm not. You're crying.
No, I'm not. I love it!
[crying] It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Elfo, scoot away.
[crying] Help me! Ow.
Let us toast. To us.
Hold on a moment. What's that sound?
What sound?
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Elfo] You know what really pisses me off?
That we're gonna die?
[Elfo] No. Yes. Ow!
That it's all because we trusted that stupid pig. Ow!
And I thought he was our friend. Ow!
-Oh, Elfo. -[Elfo] Ow!
We can't know what's going on in Merkimer's heart.
[Elfo] Ow!
But I refuse to believe he would do this to us.
[Elfo] Ow!
-[Bean] That stupid pig is our friend. -[Elfo] Ow!
What?
Here, I'll turn down the volume.
Now, where were we? Oh, yes, right here.
To me. To you. To us.
"Us"?
Us?
[Bean grunting]
[dramatic music playing]
[Luci] Elfo, whatever you do, keep your mouth shut.
You're not the boss of me-- [groans]
[Luci] Told ya. [chuckles]
[groaning]
[Elfo] Help! I swallowed $50!
[Luci] Help me, not Elfo!
[groans] My wee hooves are good for nothing. I'm useless.
Just a fat, greasy pig.
Why, that's it!
[squeals]
[muffled groaning]
[gasping, breathing heavily]
[grunting]
Am I the hero?
Oh, Merkimer. I'm so disappointed in you.
And I, you.
[grunts]
What the hell, Merkimer? Now you're kicking pigs?
It's okay, Bean! I've learned how to roll.
-[screams] -[thud]
-[gasps] -[cackling]
Oh, no.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh!
-[exclaiming] -[wizard exclaims]
Hello, Bean.
Shut up, you arrogant bastard.
Touché, mon amour.
With your brains and my beauty, what a twosome we could've been.
Maybe you weren't a monster when I found you,
but I definitely turned you into one.
And now, I have to kill you.
But I am the one spinning the flail.
That's what it's called.
Bean, look out!
[Bean] Whoa! [screams]
[Elfo stammering] Bean, your boot!
[Bean] Not again.
Whee!
-[thud] -[human Merkimer] Quite sad.
That's disgusting.
Guys. Guys! Pull me up.
[sighs]
[grunting]
[Bean] Faster, Turbish! Drive. Drive!
Goodbye, Bentwood. Goodbye forever.
Sorry I ruined everything.
No, you saved us, Merkimer.
You're a better person as a pig
than any of those pigs back there are as people.
Never forget that.
I suppose you're right.
You may not have gotten any money, you may not have gotten any weapons.
But you escaped with the greatest treasure of all.
Me.
Really coulda used that money, though.
[gagging]
-Now, all we need is weapons. -[coughs]
We've got arrows!
[all cheering]
[closing theme music playing]