1
00:00:03,328 --> 00:00:05,495
Oliver. Your math book looks sad.
2
00:00:05,563 --> 00:00:09,090
You know why? Because it's got
so many problems.
3
00:00:09,201 --> 00:00:10,333
You don't need to tell a dad joke
4
00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:11,539
to remind us you're a dad.
5
00:00:11,585 --> 00:00:13,170
Your new cellphone belt clip
tells us that.
6
00:00:13,238 --> 00:00:14,438
You can get to it quick
7
00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:16,339
in case there's a history emergency.
8
00:00:16,408 --> 00:00:18,007
Hi, it's Greg Otto.
9
00:00:18,043 --> 00:00:19,710
You want to be a history professor
10
00:00:19,778 --> 00:00:22,245
but your sweater's
not bulky and outdated enough?
11
00:00:22,347 --> 00:00:24,014
I've got plenty!
12
00:00:24,083 --> 00:00:26,116
And with every order,
I'll tell you one thing
13
00:00:26,218 --> 00:00:27,918
that was in Lincoln's pockets
when he died.
14
00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:30,387
A button.
15
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:31,755
Don't make fun of Dad.
16
00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:33,023
He buys these outdated sweaters
17
00:00:33,125 --> 00:00:34,291
'cause he spends every dime
18
00:00:34,359 --> 00:00:36,093
giving his family the best life he can.
19
00:00:36,195 --> 00:00:37,861
No, I actually like these sweaters.
20
00:00:37,963 --> 00:00:39,429
Take the olive branch, amigo.
21
00:00:40,265 --> 00:00:42,265
- What are you guys doing?
- Making fun of Dad.
22
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:44,401
What have I said about
making fun of your father?
23
00:00:44,470 --> 00:00:46,169
Wait until you're in the room.
24
00:00:46,238 --> 00:00:48,173
That's okay.
Nothing is gonna get me down.
25
00:00:48,235 --> 00:00:50,140
Tami is moving to Westport.
26
00:00:50,242 --> 00:00:51,241
Oh.
27
00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:52,501
- Who's Tami?
- She's from our old block.
28
00:00:52,578 --> 00:00:53,543
She's the greatest.
29
00:00:53,645 --> 00:00:55,679
She held my hand
through the tough times.
30
00:00:55,781 --> 00:00:56,813
When Taylor had colic,
31
00:00:56,915 --> 00:00:58,348
when Oliver wouldn't sleep-train,
32
00:00:58,417 --> 00:01:00,717
when Dad grew that
Mario Brothers mustache.
33
00:01:00,819 --> 00:01:03,487
I always hoped it would turn
into a beautiful butterfly.
34
00:01:04,923 --> 00:01:08,325
See? It's so much nicer
making fun of Dad together.
35
00:01:09,561 --> 00:01:12,462
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
36
00:01:16,135 --> 00:01:17,100
Hey, mommies!
37
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,970
I want to introduce a new
exciting guest...
38
00:01:20,072 --> 00:01:22,072
my best friend from my old neighborhood:
39
00:01:22,174 --> 00:01:24,074
- Tami Gaines!
- Hi!
40
00:01:24,176 --> 00:01:25,709
- You don't have to get that close, baby.
- Oh, no.
41
00:01:25,811 --> 00:01:27,344
I was just checking to see
if I had something in my teeth.
42
00:01:27,446 --> 00:01:28,845
Ooh. I do.
43
00:01:28,947 --> 00:01:30,747
This lady right here
44
00:01:30,849 --> 00:01:32,616
is the closest thing to a mommy vlog
45
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:33,917
before there were mommy vlogs.
46
00:01:34,019 --> 00:01:37,521
She taught me everything I know
about being a tough mom.
47
00:01:37,623 --> 00:01:39,022
It's not a tough mom.
48
00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:40,323
It's a good mom.
49
00:01:40,425 --> 00:01:41,725
Kids need boundaries.
50
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:44,227
And sometimes a strong
over-the-counter antihistamine.
51
00:01:45,664 --> 00:01:47,497
Tami knows what she is talking about.
52
00:01:47,599 --> 00:01:51,234
She has raised two amazing kids,
now in college,
53
00:01:51,336 --> 00:01:54,538
and an adorable 8-year-old named Grace.
54
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,439
Yeah, my youngest one was an accident.
55
00:01:56,542 --> 00:01:57,974
When our last kid left the house,
56
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,425
my husband and I finally
had the place to ourselves.
57
00:02:00,527 --> 00:02:03,704
We watched "Ocean's Eleven,"
and that Andy Garcia!
58
00:02:03,751 --> 00:02:04,673
Whoo!
59
00:02:04,698 --> 00:02:05,930
Remember when we would pretend
60
00:02:06,032 --> 00:02:07,999
to go to mommy class
every Saturday night?
61
00:02:08,101 --> 00:02:10,268
But instead, we made a beeline
to the Foxwoods Casino.
62
00:02:10,362 --> 00:02:11,327
Not to gamble.
63
00:02:11,429 --> 00:02:12,336
We would just take naps
64
00:02:12,438 --> 00:02:13,604
in those comfy sportsbook loungers.
65
00:02:13,706 --> 00:02:14,672
Oh, how about that time
66
00:02:14,774 --> 00:02:16,274
those Eagles fans painted us green?
67
00:02:16,376 --> 00:02:18,743
We never woke up.
68
00:02:18,845 --> 00:02:21,245
She taught me parenting rule
number three:
69
00:02:21,347 --> 00:02:23,047
always put "damn" in front of things.
70
00:02:23,149 --> 00:02:24,282
"Pick your damn shoes up."
71
00:02:24,384 --> 00:02:25,950
"Make your own damn breakfast."
72
00:02:26,052 --> 00:02:28,219
I may be a real mother,
73
00:02:28,321 --> 00:02:31,522
but this is the realest mother
of them all.
74
00:02:31,624 --> 00:02:33,758
- That's the damn truth.
- Still got it.
75
00:02:33,860 --> 00:02:35,574
- You're damn right.
- Okay, that's enough.
76
00:02:35,621 --> 00:02:36,861
I only get six "damns,"
77
00:02:36,963 --> 00:02:38,696
or I lose my family-friendly rating.
78
00:02:40,867 --> 00:02:42,800
It's so cool you're doing a vlog.
79
00:02:42,902 --> 00:02:45,469
I wish I had more subscribers,
but I'm working hard on it.
80
00:02:45,571 --> 00:02:47,204
I have more Twitter followers
than Oliver,
81
00:02:47,307 --> 00:02:49,106
but not as many as Taylor.
82
00:02:49,208 --> 00:02:51,275
That girl is not afraid
to show her feet.
83
00:02:52,545 --> 00:02:53,878
Well, you got to keep at it.
84
00:02:53,980 --> 00:02:55,146
Matt and I didn't get discouraged
85
00:02:55,248 --> 00:02:56,681
when we started our small business,
86
00:02:56,783 --> 00:02:57,915
and look at me now.
87
00:02:58,017 --> 00:03:00,818
These holes? Put there by a designer.
88
00:03:02,021 --> 00:03:03,387
I still can't believe that you came up
89
00:03:03,489 --> 00:03:05,556
with easy-to-rip packaging tape.
90
00:03:05,658 --> 00:03:07,258
If you figured out
how to do that with bras,
91
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,460
you would make
a lot of teenage boys happy.
92
00:03:10,563 --> 00:03:11,963
Oops! I spilled.
93
00:03:12,065 --> 00:03:13,007
Grace!
94
00:03:13,032 --> 00:03:14,398
Oh. Don't worry about it, honey.
95
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:16,734
That couch has so much cereal
underneath those cushions,
96
00:03:16,843 --> 00:03:18,376
it's about time someone added milk.
97
00:03:18,471 --> 00:03:19,603
Well, here, let me help.
98
00:03:19,706 --> 00:03:21,772
I got it. Don't worry. You go.
99
00:03:21,874 --> 00:03:23,307
Okay. Well, thank you.
100
00:03:23,409 --> 00:03:25,042
Grace and I still
have some boxes to unpack.
101
00:03:25,144 --> 00:03:26,477
I'm gonna go stare at them for a second,
102
00:03:26,579 --> 00:03:28,045
get overwhelmed, and come right back.
103
00:03:31,517 --> 00:03:33,217
Don't forget, after school today,
104
00:03:33,319 --> 00:03:34,819
I need you to be in my vlog.
105
00:03:34,921 --> 00:03:36,721
All you do is embarrass me.
106
00:03:36,823 --> 00:03:38,522
I promise, I won't.
107
00:03:38,624 --> 00:03:41,525
Maybe I will talk
about when you were little
108
00:03:41,627 --> 00:03:43,627
and you used to call
Wheat Thins "weenas."
109
00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,863
It was cute, but it was awkward
at the supermarket
110
00:03:45,932 --> 00:03:48,099
when you would scream for weenas.
111
00:03:48,201 --> 00:03:49,900
No!
112
00:03:50,003 --> 00:03:52,069
Some kids at school found your vlog,
113
00:03:52,138 --> 00:03:53,938
and now they're making fun of me.
114
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,006
How would you feel
115
00:03:55,108 --> 00:03:57,608
if I told embarrassing stories
about you?
116
00:03:57,677 --> 00:04:00,077
Remember when you split
your leggings at Costco?
117
00:04:00,179 --> 00:04:02,213
Who doesn't wear underwear
with leggings?
118
00:04:02,315 --> 00:04:04,382
That's why I was at Costco.
To get underwear.
119
00:04:04,450 --> 00:04:07,084
You have an annoying answer
for everything, don't you?
120
00:04:07,136 --> 00:04:09,203
I can do this all day, baby.
121
00:04:15,378 --> 00:04:16,377
Ta-da!
122
00:04:16,479 --> 00:04:18,346
I give you the basement.
123
00:04:18,448 --> 00:04:19,513
You were right!
124
00:04:19,582 --> 00:04:22,083
Oliver and Cooper
have the best room in the house!
125
00:04:22,151 --> 00:04:24,318
Before I convinced Cooper
to give up his credit cards,
126
00:04:24,387 --> 00:04:27,588
I should have had him buy me
that giant outdoor Yahtzee set.
127
00:04:27,690 --> 00:04:28,756
It's called "Yardsie."
128
00:04:28,825 --> 00:04:30,591
You don't have to tell me.
I read SkyMall.
129
00:04:30,693 --> 00:04:31,859
Ooh!
130
00:04:31,928 --> 00:04:33,694
How do you work this massage chair?
131
00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:35,596
Let's try this remote.
132
00:04:37,066 --> 00:04:38,399
Nope.
133
00:04:39,969 --> 00:04:41,569
Whew! Keep on pressing, baby.
134
00:04:41,671 --> 00:04:42,770
I want a disco ball.
135
00:04:51,881 --> 00:04:54,815
Okay, before you get mad,
I'd love a gimlet.
136
00:04:58,254 --> 00:05:00,621
Oliver! Cooper!!
137
00:05:00,723 --> 00:05:02,823
What's going on?
138
00:05:02,892 --> 00:05:04,492
Have you been in the bathroom
this whole time?
139
00:05:04,594 --> 00:05:06,127
Yeah. I was using the Japanese toilet.
140
00:05:06,229 --> 00:05:07,561
Did you know the seat has a warmer,
141
00:05:07,663 --> 00:05:08,796
and if you sit there long enough,
142
00:05:08,898 --> 00:05:10,097
it'll ask if you're okay?
143
00:05:10,166 --> 00:05:11,198
I know this sounds weird,
144
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:14,268
but I think we're actually
becoming friends.
145
00:05:14,337 --> 00:05:16,003
Where did that come from?
146
00:05:16,105 --> 00:05:19,040
Our 17-year-old and
his idiot friend are drinking.
147
00:05:19,108 --> 00:05:22,109
Ooh! This is that
George Clooney tequila!
148
00:05:22,211 --> 00:05:23,477
This is expensive!
149
00:05:23,546 --> 00:05:24,678
And this is the wine
I couldn't afford to buy you
150
00:05:24,781 --> 00:05:25,913
on our anniversary.
151
00:05:25,982 --> 00:05:27,615
Remember when the waiter
told me how much it costs,
152
00:05:27,683 --> 00:05:29,750
and I had to tell him
I just realized we were in AA?
153
00:05:29,852 --> 00:05:31,685
I'm going to go find Oliver and Cooper.
154
00:05:31,788 --> 00:05:33,054
I've been rewatching "Dexter."
155
00:05:33,122 --> 00:05:34,622
I've got a few murder techniques
156
00:05:34,724 --> 00:05:36,057
that I've been wanting to try out.
157
00:05:41,898 --> 00:05:42,797
They're not upstairs.
158
00:05:42,899 --> 00:05:44,532
- They're not outside either.
- Good.
159
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,700
This is gonna give us time
to research military schools.
160
00:05:46,803 --> 00:05:47,768
And not one of the good ones.
161
00:05:47,837 --> 00:05:49,036
The ones that get closed down
162
00:05:49,138 --> 00:05:50,704
- after "60 Minutes" does an exposé on them.
- Mm-hmm.
163
00:05:50,807 --> 00:05:53,274
Guys. That is not the way to go.
164
00:05:53,376 --> 00:05:55,476
The more you push back,
the more they'll party.
165
00:05:55,578 --> 00:05:57,211
Then they'll just learn
to hide it better.
166
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,947
But we can't just
let Oliver and Cooper drink!
167
00:06:00,049 --> 00:06:01,282
I agree.
168
00:06:01,384 --> 00:06:03,050
But there are other ways.
169
00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:05,653
Guide me, sensei.
170
00:06:05,755 --> 00:06:08,122
Okay, first, you leave them a clue
171
00:06:08,224 --> 00:06:11,092
to let them know
you know about the booze.
172
00:06:15,598 --> 00:06:16,997
Looks like someone moved a bottle.
173
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,099
No way.
174
00:06:18,201 --> 00:06:19,500
No one could have found the bar.
175
00:06:19,602 --> 00:06:21,669
What's this?
176
00:06:23,506 --> 00:06:24,905
It's a Walgreens coupon
177
00:06:25,007 --> 00:06:27,141
for 50 cents off pomegranate lip balm!
178
00:06:27,243 --> 00:06:28,576
You know what this means?
179
00:06:28,644 --> 00:06:30,478
That someone's both thrifty and chapped?
180
00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:32,046
No! My mom's been here!
181
00:06:32,115 --> 00:06:33,781
- She knows!
- What are we gonna do?
182
00:06:33,883 --> 00:06:35,516
Please tell me you had them build
the El Chapo escape tunnel.
183
00:06:35,618 --> 00:06:36,717
I did, but it's not finished!
184
00:06:36,819 --> 00:06:38,252
They're still putting down
the mosaic floor!
185
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:39,653
I knew one day
your impeccable eye for design
186
00:06:39,755 --> 00:06:41,188
would come back to bite us in the ass.
187
00:06:41,290 --> 00:06:44,291
And once they know we know,
that's when we drop the hammer?
188
00:06:44,393 --> 00:06:46,994
No. What you do next is...
189
00:06:47,096 --> 00:06:48,295
nothing.
190
00:06:48,397 --> 00:06:49,763
Let 'em squirm.
191
00:06:49,832 --> 00:06:52,333
The long wait for you to come
down on them with the punishment
192
00:06:52,401 --> 00:06:53,701
is the punishment.
193
00:06:53,803 --> 00:06:54,702
Smart.
194
00:06:54,770 --> 00:06:56,203
The scariest monsters in the movies
195
00:06:56,305 --> 00:06:57,271
are the ones you don't see.
196
00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:58,305
Like climate change.
197
00:06:58,374 --> 00:06:59,507
We're not doing that right now, Greg.
198
00:07:05,281 --> 00:07:07,281
I guess we could take
199
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:08,716
a little break from our homework.
200
00:07:08,818 --> 00:07:10,551
Is that what
we were supposed to be doing?
201
00:07:10,653 --> 00:07:13,053
I was trying to come up
with nicknames for myself.
202
00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:15,222
All I have so far is
"Cheeseburger Larry."
203
00:07:16,959 --> 00:07:20,528
One thing I have found
is that kids love screen time.
204
00:07:20,630 --> 00:07:21,629
Maybe too much.
205
00:07:21,731 --> 00:07:23,264
Who are you talking to?
206
00:07:23,366 --> 00:07:24,298
You guys.
207
00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:26,133
I see that you're playing video games.
208
00:07:26,235 --> 00:07:29,436
My suggestion would be
to do your homework first.
209
00:07:29,539 --> 00:07:31,872
That's good time management, mommies.
210
00:07:31,974 --> 00:07:35,643
"Mommies" is my new pet name
for you two.
211
00:07:41,484 --> 00:07:43,317
Care to explain this?
212
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,586
I, um...
213
00:07:45,688 --> 00:07:46,754
I got nothin'.
214
00:07:48,991 --> 00:07:50,191
Franklin?
215
00:07:52,995 --> 00:07:54,895
Katie Otto?
216
00:07:54,997 --> 00:07:56,497
You've been served.
217
00:07:56,599 --> 00:07:58,299
- A cease and desist order?
- Yes.
218
00:07:58,401 --> 00:08:01,168
You are no longer allowed
to use images of Anna-Kat Otto
219
00:08:01,270 --> 00:08:03,204
without her express written permission.
220
00:08:03,306 --> 00:08:04,505
How did you even get this?
221
00:08:04,607 --> 00:08:06,073
Oh. My mom's Church Leader, Bob.
222
00:08:06,175 --> 00:08:07,775
He keeps a stack of them on his desk.
223
00:08:07,877 --> 00:08:09,743
He gets a lot from Taylor Swift.
224
00:08:09,845 --> 00:08:11,779
He uses her music
in his recruitment videos.
225
00:08:17,468 --> 00:08:19,501
Remember, I have my Monday night
faculty meeting,
226
00:08:19,557 --> 00:08:20,656
so I won't be home for dinner.
227
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,148
And you need to find
a ride home from school.
228
00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:23,410
How will I ever get home
229
00:08:23,512 --> 00:08:25,379
without listening to Jefferson Starship?
230
00:08:25,447 --> 00:08:26,580
Ha ha. Very funny.
231
00:08:32,154 --> 00:08:33,487
Good morning.
232
00:08:33,589 --> 00:08:35,255
Heyyy.
233
00:08:35,324 --> 00:08:37,591
How are you boys feeling?
234
00:08:38,994 --> 00:08:40,194
Good?
235
00:08:40,296 --> 00:08:42,062
Good! Good.
236
00:08:42,164 --> 00:08:44,131
Glad to hear that.
237
00:08:46,835 --> 00:08:48,335
Coop, let's make ourselves useful
238
00:08:48,437 --> 00:08:49,503
and deep-clean the kitchen.
239
00:08:49,605 --> 00:08:51,271
Yeah. Love that idea.
240
00:08:51,373 --> 00:08:52,806
I'm kinda itching
241
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:55,042
to dust the tops of those,
uh, curtain rods.
242
00:08:55,144 --> 00:08:57,578
Yeah.
243
00:09:00,382 --> 00:09:02,416
Soon, the guilt will kick in,
244
00:09:02,518 --> 00:09:04,484
and they'll do anything
to get on your good side
245
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:05,819
to lessen the punishment.
246
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:08,522
And as a bonus, they'll develop
an aversion to alcohol
247
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,457
because they'll associate it
with stress.
248
00:09:10,526 --> 00:09:12,559
- You're amazing!
- And the best part is...
249
00:09:12,661 --> 00:09:14,061
That wasn't the best part?! Greg!
250
00:09:14,163 --> 00:09:15,729
There's a better part!
251
00:09:15,831 --> 00:09:17,397
Eventually, they'll confess,
252
00:09:17,449 --> 00:09:20,750
and you guys will have all
that fancy liquor to yourselves.
253
00:09:20,836 --> 00:09:23,904
You can drink it, sell it,
give it to your good friend Tami
254
00:09:23,973 --> 00:09:25,839
as a thank-you for this great plan.
255
00:09:25,908 --> 00:09:29,109
No pressure, but that last idea...
256
00:09:29,211 --> 00:09:30,110
I like that one.
257
00:09:30,212 --> 00:09:31,378
We're gonna have a real bar!
258
00:09:31,447 --> 00:09:32,913
Not three half-bottles
of Bloody Mary mix
259
00:09:32,982 --> 00:09:34,848
next to the 409 under the sink.
260
00:09:38,721 --> 00:09:39,953
Oliver and Cooper are deep-cleaning
261
00:09:40,022 --> 00:09:41,321
behind the refrigerator right now.
262
00:09:41,423 --> 00:09:42,889
They found an old pizza bagel,
263
00:09:42,992 --> 00:09:44,591
my AAA card, and Greg's beret,
264
00:09:44,693 --> 00:09:46,159
which now I have to hide someplace else.
265
00:09:46,262 --> 00:09:48,595
Rule nine: psychological torture works.
266
00:09:48,697 --> 00:09:49,963
It just does.
267
00:09:50,032 --> 00:09:51,531
Now if you could
just help me with Anna-Kat.
268
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:52,766
What's going on with her?
269
00:09:52,868 --> 00:09:54,735
She refuses to do my vlog.
270
00:09:54,837 --> 00:09:55,936
Why don't you just use Grace?
271
00:09:56,038 --> 00:09:57,137
Perfect!
272
00:09:57,206 --> 00:09:59,139
And this'll give me a chance
to get to know her.
273
00:09:59,241 --> 00:10:00,707
I mean, it's not
like I can physically force
274
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,042
Anna-Kat to do my vlog.
275
00:10:02,111 --> 00:10:03,710
She's already lawyered up.
276
00:10:03,779 --> 00:10:06,179
He's only 11, but he makes me nervous.
277
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:14,087
Hey, Fiona, can you give me a ride home?
278
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,789
My dad has a faculty meeting.
279
00:10:15,858 --> 00:10:17,124
Isn't that your father right there?
280
00:10:19,895 --> 00:10:23,063
Oh. My. God.
281
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:25,632
Thank you!
282
00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:27,234
All right, this next one goes out
283
00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:28,869
to all you civil warriors out there.
284
00:10:28,971 --> 00:10:29,936
It's called...
285
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:33,407
"Gettin' Readys-burg for Gettysburg"!
286
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:35,842
Oh. My. God.
287
00:10:35,944 --> 00:10:37,010
He plays here every Monday night
288
00:10:37,079 --> 00:10:38,245
with a few other history professors.
289
00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:39,880
You didn't know?
290
00:10:43,152 --> 00:10:46,687
♪ July of 1863 ♪
291
00:10:46,789 --> 00:10:49,856
♪ At 9:00 a.m., there was
a battle for breakfast ♪
292
00:10:49,958 --> 00:10:51,992
♪ Instead of boiled eggs and ham ♪
293
00:10:52,094 --> 00:10:55,529
♪ The Union's in need
of a leader with speed ♪
294
00:10:55,631 --> 00:11:00,867
♪ Luckily, they had
General George G. Meade ♪
295
00:11:00,969 --> 00:11:04,237
♪ We're parched from rebellions,
and a drink's what we need ♪
296
00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:08,241
♪ So pour us that tall glass
of General Meade ♪
297
00:11:08,310 --> 00:11:12,746
♪ We're gettin' readys-burg
for Gettysburg ♪
298
00:11:12,848 --> 00:11:16,283
♪ Let's go and headys-burg
to Gettysburg ♪
299
00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:20,287
♪ I'm feeling sweatys-burg
from Gettysburg ♪
300
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:23,390
♪ 'Cause history gets me hot ♪
301
00:11:27,096 --> 00:11:30,397
Oh. My. God.
302
00:11:33,235 --> 00:11:34,835
The gutters are clean.
303
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:37,371
Now we're going to brush Luthor's gums.
304
00:11:37,473 --> 00:11:39,005
They're the gutters of the mouth.
305
00:11:39,108 --> 00:11:41,575
Why don't you come over here first?
306
00:11:41,677 --> 00:11:43,009
It's happening now.
307
00:11:43,112 --> 00:11:44,845
What's she gonna do to us?
I can't take this anymore.
308
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,780
Pull yourself together, dude!
309
00:11:46,882 --> 00:11:48,548
Now do me.
310
00:11:51,954 --> 00:11:54,621
Here we are.
311
00:11:54,723 --> 00:11:56,089
You must be thirsty.
312
00:11:56,158 --> 00:11:57,758
Can I get you a drink?
313
00:11:57,860 --> 00:12:00,460
W-Water's fine.
314
00:12:00,529 --> 00:12:01,895
Would you like it on the rocks?
315
00:12:01,997 --> 00:12:04,030
I'm...
316
00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:05,332
sorry?
317
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:08,034
Well, I wouldn't want to give it
to you room temperature
318
00:12:08,137 --> 00:12:09,970
and hear you two...
319
00:12:10,072 --> 00:12:11,338
"whine."
320
00:12:11,407 --> 00:12:13,140
Actually, I'm not thirsty anymore.
321
00:12:13,242 --> 00:12:14,741
Me neither.
322
00:12:18,647 --> 00:12:19,679
What was that about?
323
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,214
Oh, just messing with the boys' heads.
324
00:12:21,316 --> 00:12:22,315
Cool.
325
00:12:25,087 --> 00:12:26,019
Hi, Dad!
326
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,621
How was your after-school meeting?
327
00:12:27,723 --> 00:12:28,922
- Fine.
- I'm curious...
328
00:12:28,991 --> 00:12:30,524
What kind of stuff
do you guys talk about?
329
00:12:30,592 --> 00:12:31,558
Talking points.
330
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:33,360
What kind of talking points?
331
00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:35,195
Historical ones.
332
00:12:35,264 --> 00:12:36,797
Okay. I'm gonna go upstairs now.
333
00:12:36,899 --> 00:12:39,866
Getting readys-burg for bed, huh?
334
00:12:44,907 --> 00:12:46,473
What was that all about?
335
00:12:46,575 --> 00:12:47,607
Just messing with Dad's head.
336
00:12:47,709 --> 00:12:48,975
Cool.
337
00:12:49,077 --> 00:12:51,344
Don't be pointing that camera at me.
338
00:12:51,447 --> 00:12:52,479
You're off the hook.
339
00:12:52,548 --> 00:12:53,780
I got Grace to do my vlog with me.
340
00:12:53,882 --> 00:12:56,550
She's actually excited about it.
341
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,488
I didn't want to say anything
in front of her mom,
342
00:13:01,590 --> 00:13:03,957
but Grace is kind of...
343
00:13:04,059 --> 00:13:05,292
difficult.
344
00:13:05,394 --> 00:13:07,260
She spilled her milk
on the couch on purpose.
345
00:13:07,362 --> 00:13:08,862
I'm sure it was an accident.
346
00:13:08,964 --> 00:13:10,664
No, she said, "Watch this,"
347
00:13:10,766 --> 00:13:12,232
and dumped her milk on the sofa.
348
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:16,703
And then she said, "Got milk?",
which is both mean and outdated.
349
00:13:16,805 --> 00:13:17,704
Wow.
350
00:13:17,806 --> 00:13:19,105
You don't want to do my vlog,
351
00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,841
and now you're making up lies
about a sweet little girl
352
00:13:20,909 --> 00:13:22,142
because you are jealous.
353
00:13:22,244 --> 00:13:24,845
I'm telling you the truth. She's psycho.
354
00:13:24,947 --> 00:13:26,213
There's no way that she's a bad kid
355
00:13:26,315 --> 00:13:28,715
- with Tami as her mother.
- Suit yourself.
356
00:13:28,817 --> 00:13:31,618
I shouldn't even be talking
to you without Franklin present.
357
00:13:34,122 --> 00:13:35,789
Grace? You ready to start?
358
00:13:35,891 --> 00:13:37,257
I guess.
359
00:13:41,263 --> 00:13:42,762
Hello, all you real mothers.
360
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:45,131
My guest today is the adorable daughter
361
00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:47,834
of my good friend and mom sensei, Tami.
362
00:13:47,936 --> 00:13:49,336
Say hello, Grace!
363
00:13:49,438 --> 00:13:51,004
No.
364
00:13:52,608 --> 00:13:55,742
Someone is a little camera-shy. Okay.
365
00:13:55,811 --> 00:13:57,611
Today we are going
to learn how to make lunch
366
00:13:57,713 --> 00:13:59,679
with whatever you have
that's about to go bad.
367
00:13:59,781 --> 00:14:02,148
For me, that is an open sleeve
of crackers,
368
00:14:02,251 --> 00:14:03,550
cream cheese, and strawberries.
369
00:14:03,652 --> 00:14:04,618
Doesn't that sound fun?
370
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,019
I want cake.
371
00:14:06,121 --> 00:14:08,121
We all want cake, Grace.
372
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:10,190
But we're having cracker cream cheese
373
00:14:10,292 --> 00:14:11,925
strawberry yummy bites.
374
00:14:11,994 --> 00:14:14,327
Have one.
375
00:14:14,429 --> 00:14:15,829
Come on!
376
00:14:15,931 --> 00:14:18,965
Show everyone
how delicious these treats are.
377
00:14:20,836 --> 00:14:22,269
There you go.
378
00:14:24,039 --> 00:14:25,805
Here, Luthor!
379
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,474
Grace, do not give that to the dog.
380
00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:28,842
Grace?
381
00:14:28,944 --> 00:14:30,577
I said no.
382
00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:32,012
I mean it, Grace.
383
00:14:32,114 --> 00:14:33,480
Do not...
384
00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:36,583
Grace whatever your middle name
is Gaines!
385
00:14:36,685 --> 00:14:38,385
Next time, have cake.
386
00:14:42,391 --> 00:14:43,790
Not cool, Grace!
387
00:14:43,892 --> 00:14:45,392
I'm coming, mommies!
388
00:14:46,662 --> 00:14:49,195
What a fun guest!
389
00:14:49,298 --> 00:14:50,697
On tomorrow's show:
390
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:52,387
how do you tell the woman
that you have held up
391
00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:53,942
as the greatest mother in the world
392
00:14:54,043 --> 00:14:56,202
that she raised a terrible child?
393
00:14:56,305 --> 00:14:59,105
Also: do-it-yourself sparkle slime.
394
00:15:06,975 --> 00:15:09,308
Thank you so much
for letting Grace do the vlog,
395
00:15:09,377 --> 00:15:12,105
but we did have a couple of incidents.
396
00:15:12,168 --> 00:15:14,714
She is very cute, but she's a little...
397
00:15:14,782 --> 00:15:15,681
Monster?
398
00:15:15,783 --> 00:15:17,246
Yeah. She's the worst.
399
00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:18,237
Why didn't you tell me?
400
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,426
Honestly, I needed a break.
401
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,728
And you look up to me as this great mom.
402
00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:24,096
And now I'm not.
403
00:15:24,134 --> 00:15:25,500
What are you talking about?
404
00:15:25,569 --> 00:15:27,802
I don't have the energy
to do it anymore.
405
00:15:27,904 --> 00:15:29,270
Plus, Grace has built up a tolerance
406
00:15:29,373 --> 00:15:30,839
to over-the-counter antihistamines.
407
00:15:30,941 --> 00:15:32,107
But you just helped me with Oliver.
408
00:15:32,175 --> 00:15:34,409
I can handle the older kids,
like my boys.
409
00:15:34,511 --> 00:15:36,845
But when Grace came around,
I was exhausted.
410
00:15:36,913 --> 00:15:38,380
I was busy with my businesses.
411
00:15:38,482 --> 00:15:39,914
I didn't have time
to set up the same rules
412
00:15:40,017 --> 00:15:41,616
as I did for the others.
413
00:15:41,718 --> 00:15:43,218
And Grace never lets up.
414
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,286
I don't know what to do with her.
415
00:15:45,389 --> 00:15:46,888
I tried to wrap her up in my damn tape,
416
00:15:46,990 --> 00:15:48,356
but it was too easy to break out of.
417
00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:50,558
And yet it still holds the boxes closed.
418
00:15:50,661 --> 00:15:52,627
I know. That's why I'm rich.
419
00:15:56,366 --> 00:15:58,767
You know how to deal with her.
420
00:15:58,835 --> 00:16:00,402
Don't forget rule 17.
421
00:16:00,504 --> 00:16:02,804
Rule 17. Rule 17.
422
00:16:02,873 --> 00:16:05,440
I'm just so tired.
Can't we go to Foxwoods?
423
00:16:05,509 --> 00:16:07,242
Pretend to take away...
424
00:16:07,344 --> 00:16:09,077
Something they love.
425
00:16:09,179 --> 00:16:10,278
And?
426
00:16:10,347 --> 00:16:13,081
If they start to cry,
then you know it's working!
427
00:16:13,183 --> 00:16:14,516
Yes! That's it!
428
00:16:16,653 --> 00:16:18,853
Grace?
429
00:16:18,922 --> 00:16:21,790
You seem to have an awfully
good time with Luthor.
430
00:16:21,892 --> 00:16:22,791
He gets me.
431
00:16:22,859 --> 00:16:24,659
It's a shame you can't see him anymore.
432
00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:26,061
Why?
433
00:16:26,163 --> 00:16:28,897
Well, you fed him that food
that I told you not to give him.
434
00:16:28,965 --> 00:16:30,331
And that's not good for him.
435
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:33,101
If you're gonna be around pets,
you have to be able to listen.
436
00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:35,170
And it doesn't seem
like you're able to do that,
437
00:16:35,238 --> 00:16:37,939
so Katie's gonna put Luthor
in the office,
438
00:16:38,008 --> 00:16:39,441
and you can't see him anymore.
439
00:16:39,543 --> 00:16:40,809
Then can I get my own puppy?
440
00:16:40,911 --> 00:16:41,810
Of course, honey.
441
00:16:41,912 --> 00:16:42,544
Tami!
442
00:16:42,646 --> 00:16:45,346
Uh, no! I mean... no.
443
00:16:45,449 --> 00:16:47,649
Because... you don't listen.
444
00:16:47,751 --> 00:16:48,917
I'm sorry.
445
00:16:48,985 --> 00:16:50,952
If I could play with Luthor,
I promise to listen.
446
00:16:51,054 --> 00:16:52,554
That's more like it.
447
00:16:52,656 --> 00:16:54,989
Is it okay if I throw
the Frisbee to Luthor?
448
00:16:55,092 --> 00:16:55,957
Please?
449
00:16:56,059 --> 00:16:57,092
Of course, honey.
450
00:16:57,194 --> 00:16:58,293
Thank you for asking.
451
00:17:02,165 --> 00:17:04,132
- She asked for permission?
- Mm-hmm.
452
00:17:04,234 --> 00:17:06,000
- And she said please?
- Mm-hmm.
453
00:17:06,103 --> 00:17:08,303
You broke her spirit.
454
00:17:08,405 --> 00:17:10,638
I'm so proud of you!
455
00:17:15,479 --> 00:17:17,378
Why didn't you tell everyone
about my band?
456
00:17:17,447 --> 00:17:19,013
Because you didn't want
to betray my confidence?
457
00:17:19,116 --> 00:17:20,648
No. You're cute.
458
00:17:20,717 --> 00:17:22,650
I wanted to wait till we're
all together in the same room.
459
00:17:22,719 --> 00:17:24,719
You know why I kept it quiet?
460
00:17:24,821 --> 00:17:27,021
Because you guys mock me
about everything.
461
00:17:27,090 --> 00:17:28,456
And I get it... dads get made fun of.
462
00:17:28,558 --> 00:17:30,191
But we get sick of it, too.
463
00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:33,361
So, when I joined the band,
I kept it to myself.
464
00:17:33,463 --> 00:17:35,764
You may not think it,
but I have feelings, you know.
465
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:39,701
Man!
466
00:17:39,803 --> 00:17:43,004
This is way less fun when
you make me see you as a person.
467
00:17:48,311 --> 00:17:50,512
Since when do you play bass?
468
00:17:50,614 --> 00:17:51,913
I learned in high school.
469
00:17:52,015 --> 00:17:53,815
That's really cool.
470
00:17:53,917 --> 00:17:56,718
So, what other secrets
are you keeping from the family?
471
00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,453
Even though Anna-Kat's outgrown it,
472
00:17:58,522 --> 00:18:00,622
- sometimes I still watch "Peppa Pig."
- Me too!
473
00:18:00,724 --> 00:18:02,657
I love it when they jump up
and down in the muddy puddles.
474
00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:04,058
- It's so good!
- Right?
475
00:18:09,499 --> 00:18:11,299
Hey. Can we talk a second?
476
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:19,908
I'm sorry for saying
that you were a difficult child.
477
00:18:20,010 --> 00:18:21,976
After spending time with Grace,
478
00:18:22,078 --> 00:18:24,946
I now know what one really is.
479
00:18:25,015 --> 00:18:28,082
Turns out, Tami is not a perfect mom...
480
00:18:28,151 --> 00:18:30,084
and I am not one either.
481
00:18:30,187 --> 00:18:32,520
I shouldn't have forced you
to be on my vlog.
482
00:18:32,622 --> 00:18:35,190
I actually don't mind
being on it so much.
483
00:18:35,292 --> 00:18:36,991
I just wish all the stories about me
484
00:18:37,093 --> 00:18:38,993
weren't embarrassing ones.
485
00:18:39,062 --> 00:18:40,061
I get it.
486
00:18:40,163 --> 00:18:41,729
Moving forward...
487
00:18:41,798 --> 00:18:44,465
...you have final say of what I post.
488
00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:46,968
I got here as fast as I could.
489
00:18:47,070 --> 00:18:48,069
Oh, sorry, Mom.
490
00:18:48,171 --> 00:18:50,405
I texted him when you walked in,
just in case.
491
00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:51,406
We're good.
492
00:18:51,508 --> 00:18:53,441
I'm still billing you for this.
493
00:18:57,380 --> 00:18:59,480
I haven't slept.
494
00:18:59,583 --> 00:19:02,050
I have this constant gnawing
in my stomach.
495
00:19:02,118 --> 00:19:05,220
And pieces of my hair are falling out.
496
00:19:05,322 --> 00:19:07,488
Without my hair,
I drop from a 10 to a 9!
497
00:19:07,591 --> 00:19:08,823
I know. We're like mice.
498
00:19:08,925 --> 00:19:10,792
And she's the snake toying with us.
499
00:19:10,861 --> 00:19:13,094
Just swallow us whole
and barf us up already.
500
00:19:13,196 --> 00:19:14,329
That's it!
501
00:19:14,397 --> 00:19:16,130
Mom! Dad!
502
00:19:16,233 --> 00:19:17,232
What are you doing?
503
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:18,233
I've had enough.
504
00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:22,937
Hey, fellas.
505
00:19:23,006 --> 00:19:24,372
What's shakin'?
506
00:19:24,474 --> 00:19:26,407
- We know you know.
- End this already!
507
00:19:26,509 --> 00:19:28,776
Yes! We have a bar. We've been drinking!
508
00:19:28,879 --> 00:19:30,144
But not even that much.
509
00:19:30,247 --> 00:19:32,447
I just like to hold the snifter
in my hand and swirl.
510
00:19:32,549 --> 00:19:33,481
It's a WASP thing.
511
00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,717
I'm begging you. Please, punish us.
512
00:19:35,819 --> 00:19:37,652
We know underage drinking is wrong
513
00:19:37,754 --> 00:19:39,120
and promise to never do it again.
514
00:19:39,222 --> 00:19:40,255
Great.
515
00:19:40,357 --> 00:19:41,656
So we'll just take
that booze off your hands
516
00:19:41,758 --> 00:19:42,790
- so you're not tempted.
- Mm.
517
00:19:42,893 --> 00:19:44,158
Oh, you don't have to worry about that.
518
00:19:44,261 --> 00:19:45,994
We poured it down the Japanese toilet.
519
00:19:52,102 --> 00:19:53,434
No!
520
00:19:53,536 --> 00:19:54,903
Oh, well.
521
00:19:55,005 --> 00:19:57,238
I'm gonna drown my sorrows
in a 409 Bloody Mary.
522
00:19:57,340 --> 00:19:58,239
Who wants one?
523
00:19:58,341 --> 00:19:59,407
I'll have a Windex chaser.
524
00:19:59,509 --> 00:20:00,408
Hmm.
525
00:20:06,155 --> 00:20:08,019
♪ Smoke in the sky ♪
526
00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:09,773
♪ Blood all around ♪
527
00:20:09,859 --> 00:20:13,029
♪ Robert Lee retreated
straight from the grounds ♪
528
00:20:13,122 --> 00:20:16,483
♪ It was a turning point
in the civil war ♪
529
00:20:16,562 --> 00:20:20,297
♪ As they pushed Lee away from Philly ♪
530
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:23,634
♪ No cheesesteaks for Lee,
showed himself out the door ♪
531
00:20:23,736 --> 00:20:27,438
♪ This rebellion is just plain silly ♪
532
00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:31,042
♪ We're gettin' readys-burg
for Gettysburg ♪
533
00:20:31,144 --> 00:20:34,712
♪ Let's go and headys-burg
to Gettysburg ♪
534
00:20:34,814 --> 00:20:38,616
♪ I'm feeling sweatys-burg
from Gettysburg ♪
535
00:20:38,718 --> 00:20:43,988
♪ 'Cause history gets me hot! ♪
536
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,493
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
537
00:20:49,595 --> 00:20:50,594
It was so good.
538
00:20:53,573 --> 00:20:54,706
What's his problem?
539
00:20:54,801 --> 00:20:56,000
I think you upstaged him.
540
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:58,448
You better pray you never
have my class, Otto!