1 00:00:03,264 --> 00:00:04,613 [glass clinks] 2 00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:06,484 Obviously, I don't have to remind you gentlemen 3 00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,312 that this meeting never took place. 4 00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:10,575 Of course not, Mayor Blossom. 5 00:00:10,619 --> 00:00:13,230 Has Ethel Muggs been talking much 6 00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:14,971 since she's been with the Sisters? 7 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,712 Not a peep. 8 00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:20,281 Sister Woodhouse has imposed a vow of silence. 9 00:00:20,324 --> 00:00:21,978 Very good. 10 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,458 -What about the PTA? -[Featherhead] Parents are still upset. 11 00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:25,199 It's all they talk about at our meetings. 12 00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,983 Who killed Mr. and Mrs. Muggs? 13 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,334 As long as people remain focused on this murder case, 14 00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:31,814 the more precarious 15 00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:35,774 our grasp of the situation becomes. 16 00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:37,211 What's the Sheriff's office doing? 17 00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:41,258 Tom is trying to find this "milkman" 18 00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:42,346 and the murder weapon. 19 00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:43,782 Why is he doing that? 20 00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:50,572 I have the murder weapon right here. 21 00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:52,052 What are you getting at, Fredreich? 22 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:53,705 [Dr. Werthers] We have to stop rehashing 23 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,360 the Muggs murder case and start making sure 24 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,233 that something like it never happens again. 25 00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:02,714 In my extensive research, in case after case, 26 00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:07,632 comic books are the influencing factor in most incidents 27 00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:11,332 of juvenile delinquency and teen violence. 28 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:14,857 They are a moral scourge, gentlemen. 29 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:18,078 And their creators, criminal degenerates. 30 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:21,081 That's what the PTA should be talking about. 31 00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:21,951 Comic books. 32 00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,389 Not the Muggs. 33 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:30,351 And I believe I know exactly how to make that happen. 34 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,006 [typewriter clacks] 35 00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:39,316 Well, look who strolls in whenever his heart desires. 36 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,317 What do you want, kid? 37 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,405 I was just in the neighborhood. 38 00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:43,451 Where is everyone? 39 00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:44,843 They're all out with a stomach bug. 40 00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,410 Now I'm under more water than the Titanic. 41 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,628 -Can I help? -[typing] 42 00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,370 I need a full issue... 43 00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:50,501 I can do that. 44 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:51,894 ...written by tomorrow morning. 45 00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:53,287 Yeah, that's no problem, Mr. Fieldstone. 46 00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:54,853 I'm fast. I'm a great speller. 47 00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:57,029 Four stories. Seven pages each. 48 00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:58,378 Zero margin for error. 49 00:01:58,422 --> 00:01:59,509 [Jughead] I'll write 'em on spec. 50 00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,469 If you like them, then great. 51 00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:03,775 And if not, there's plenty more where that came from. 52 00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,647 Right. 53 00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:08,389 If you have trouble coming up with some ideas, 54 00:02:08,431 --> 00:02:10,259 take these springboards. 55 00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,696 Talk them through with Bernie. 56 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,568 I will. Won't let you down. 57 00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,309 Bernie. 58 00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:21,793 Gosh, Bernie, all these stories have been done to death. 59 00:02:21,837 --> 00:02:24,361 Aren't there any original ideas anymore? 60 00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:25,579 Says the teenager? 61 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,932 Bernie, you're a genius. 62 00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:33,631 What about stories about teenagers and high school? 63 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,851 Pep Comics doesn't have any of those, right? 64 00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:36,982 Uh... [sighs] 65 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:38,245 Al says he doesn't relate to them. 66 00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,638 But teenagers do buy our books. 67 00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,945 Well, shucks, me and my friends do. 68 00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:45,034 [snaps finger] What about a narrator 69 00:02:45,077 --> 00:02:50,170 that's actually a witchy lunch lady, or a creepy janitor? 70 00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:53,216 We can call it "Homeroom of Horrors." 71 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,478 Huh? 72 00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:55,958 You think Mr. Fieldstone will bite? 73 00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:56,915 Sure. 74 00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:58,656 Give it a whirl. 75 00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:06,403 [door opens] 76 00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:08,362 There's my little tortured genius. 77 00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:10,102 -[door closes] -Think you could take a break 78 00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:12,103 from writing the next great American novel 79 00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:15,020 and take this glamour gal to go see a fun flick? 80 00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:16,370 [typing rapidly] 81 00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:17,806 Diaboliqueis playing at the Babylonium, 82 00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:20,461 and I know you don't mind subtitles. 83 00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:22,419 Ooh. Could we go tomorrow, maybe? 84 00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:23,855 I'm on deadline. 85 00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,466 Al's asked me to write an entire issue by morning. 86 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,817 An entire issue? 87 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,211 Sounds like a bit of a coup for you. 88 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,516 Yeah, it is. 89 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,039 But it's also a lot of pressure. 90 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,172 Though, if I do a bang up job on these pages tonight, 91 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,174 Fieldstone could ask me to be one of his go-to's. 92 00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:40,611 Okay. Okay. 93 00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,048 My French thriller about murderous schoolteachers can wait. 94 00:03:43,091 --> 00:03:46,269 But since I'm here, maybe I can help you. 95 00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:47,401 How far have you gotten? 96 00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,359 I'm almost done with my first story. 97 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,492 I'm all ears. What's it about? 98 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:52,667 Sports-themed. 99 00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,364 Because what's scarier than gym class? 100 00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:55,670 And it has a narrator, 101 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,367 like all of my yell yarns will, 102 00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:00,501 um, called the Key-Keeper. 103 00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,330 -I had one of the artists at Pep Comics do a mockup. -[chuckles] 104 00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:04,548 It's pretty nifty, right? 105 00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,811 The niftiest. Looks like a real charmer. 106 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:14,689 [Key-Keeper] Well, well, well, if it isn't another problem child. 107 00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:17,430 You're looking for a little mischief and mayhem, 108 00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,649 aren't you? 109 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,478 Well, maybe I can be of some assistance. 110 00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:22,610 [keys jangling] 111 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:26,396 I'm the Key-Keeper, you see? 112 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,792 The midnight custodian of this schoolhouse of horrors. 113 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:33,621 Come along and let's wake the dead 114 00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,536 with a real spine twister, shall we? 115 00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:36,754 [keys jangling] 116 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,496 [door unlocks] 117 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,193 I call this sordid little tale... 118 00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:44,545 [Key-Keeper reading] 119 00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:45,676 [whistle blows] 120 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,156 [Key-Keeper] Every team has one, 121 00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:49,158 the runt, the klutz, the pip-squeak. 122 00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:50,638 On the Bulldogs basketball team, 123 00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,944 that half pint was 124 00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:55,295 Dilton Doiley, 125 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:59,037 who was short, near-sighted and uncoordinated. 126 00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,608 At the end of one particularly grueling practice, 127 00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:08,395 Coach Kleats had the team line up for free throws. 128 00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:12,442 No one could leave until everyone had made a basket. 129 00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:16,490 But Dilton couldn't make a shot to save his life. 130 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,579 Come on, Doiley. 131 00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,320 Get your head in the game. 132 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,323 [ball bounces] 133 00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,806 Maybe you need a little motivation. 134 00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:32,593 [whistle blows] 135 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,508 [Key-Keeper] Coach Kleats had the other players 136 00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:39,513 start running laps until Dilton sunk one lousy bucket. 137 00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:40,992 You're a dead man, Doiley. 138 00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,865 [Key-Keeper] Poor Dilton. 139 00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:49,087 He would soon learn the true meaning of the term "foul play." 140 00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,961 The hell is wrong with you, Doiley? 141 00:05:54,397 --> 00:05:55,790 I'm sorry, fellas. 142 00:05:55,832 --> 00:05:58,488 I... I'm trying my best. 143 00:05:58,532 --> 00:05:59,968 Why are you even here 144 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,797 if you can't make one stinking basket? 145 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,842 I just wanted to be part of a team. 146 00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,496 Then be the damn water boy. 147 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:08,672 [scoffs] 148 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:11,414 It's like what Coach Kleats said... 149 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,155 "You've got to get your head in the game." 150 00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:16,593 How... how do I do that? 151 00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:18,334 Maybe a night stuffed in a locker 152 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,466 will help you figure it out. 153 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,468 What? No. Guys, guys, guys. 154 00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,557 Please, please, don't do that. 155 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:24,732 No. Please! Please! 156 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:25,733 You don't understand. 157 00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:27,822 Stop! I can't. 158 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,954 -Hey, guys, maybe this isn't such a good idea. -[Dilton] Don't leave me here! 159 00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,696 -Stuff it, Andrews. -[Dilton crying] I can't be here alone. 160 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,524 -Please. I can't. -Doiley's got to learn. 161 00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,526 He's gonna start pulling his weight. 162 00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,183 Or we're gonna murder him. 163 00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:45,317 No! Don't go! 164 00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:46,928 Please! Please! Don't go! 165 00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:49,539 Don't leave me here! I can't do this. No! 166 00:06:49,582 --> 00:06:51,193 No! Please! 167 00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:54,631 [Key-Keeper] What these merciless jocks didn't know 168 00:06:54,675 --> 00:07:01,638 was that Dilton Doiley was born morbidly claustrophobic. 169 00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:04,989 [birds chirping] 170 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:08,297 [breathing uneasily] 171 00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:10,821 [door opens] 172 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:14,695 [Key-Keeper] So, by the time the day shift found and released Dilton 173 00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:17,741 the next morning... 174 00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:22,442 Dilton had suffered a complete psychotic break. 175 00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:27,490 He was a changed man. 176 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,319 A madman, you might say. 177 00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:34,454 Hell-bent on revenge against the Bulldogs. 178 00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:38,153 [glass breaks] 179 00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:40,460 [Key-Keeper] Then it was just a matter of lying in wait 180 00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,811 for his teammates to reconvene for basketball practice 181 00:07:43,854 --> 00:07:46,030 later that afternoon. 182 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,687 Luckily, Dilton had the perfect hidey-hole 183 00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:53,951 from which to pop out and surprise his teammates. 184 00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,825 After which Dilton could dedicate himself 185 00:07:57,868 --> 00:08:01,655 to perfecting his free throw technique. 186 00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,221 Gotta keep my head in the game. 187 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,007 Gotta keep my head in the game. 188 00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,443 [Kleats] Attaboy, Doiley! 189 00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,075 Help! [yelling] 190 00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:33,774 Gotta keep my head in the game. 191 00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,645 Gotta keep my head in the game. 192 00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:39,082 Gotta keep my head in the game. 193 00:08:39,126 --> 00:08:41,129 Gotta keep my head in the game. 194 00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:42,652 Gotta keep my head in the game. 195 00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:43,914 [screeching] 196 00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:46,656 [woman screaming] 197 00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,790 Good for Dilton. 198 00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:52,749 Those awful bullies got what was coming to them. 199 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,011 Exactly. 200 00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,622 And you see, that's what nitwits like Werthers 201 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:57,101 just don't understand. 202 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:58,668 What, exactly? 203 00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,148 Well, that these so-called "degenerate" comics 204 00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:02,759 are actually bite-sized morality tales. 205 00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:04,065 Especially those that involve 206 00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,241 Julian Blossom getting his head chopped off. 207 00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,243 I mean, you joke, but it's true. 208 00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:11,072 Yes, comics can be over the top and bloody sometimes, 209 00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:13,988 but in these stories, people that break the rules get punished. 210 00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:16,033 People who are cruel to others get punished. 211 00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,253 People who have lustful sex get punished. 212 00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,647 Lustful sex, did you say? 213 00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:22,736 Tell me more about that, Juggiekins. 214 00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:24,651 [chuckles] I've got a tale for you. 215 00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,435 And it starts, believe it or not, 216 00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,655 -on a dark and stormy night... -[thunder rumbling] 217 00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:33,137 With a flat tire near an isolated mansion. 218 00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:37,011 And a young, strapping man in need of assistance. 219 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,708 [thunder rumbling] 220 00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:42,364 Yes? 221 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:43,713 May I help you? 222 00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,236 I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, ma'am, 223 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,718 but my hot rod got a flat tire down the road. 224 00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,459 Must've ran over a nail or something. 225 00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:51,852 [Nana Rose] Oh, how dreadful. 226 00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:55,333 And now here you are, stranded, you poor dear. 227 00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,118 Why don't you come inside? 228 00:09:57,161 --> 00:10:00,730 You can use our telephone to call the garage. 229 00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:04,821 At this hour? Oh, they'll be closed, ma'am. 230 00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:07,911 Would it be too much trouble if I stayed the night? 231 00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,218 That way, in the morning, I can call the garage 232 00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:11,567 and I'll be out of your hair. 233 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,699 [thunder rumbling] 234 00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,744 I suppose. But... 235 00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:17,617 I'm afraid the storm has knocked out our power. 236 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,619 But you can warm yourself by the fire. 237 00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,359 Well, come in. 238 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,534 Come in. 239 00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:23,971 Oh, you look a fright. 240 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:24,928 [thunder rumbling] 241 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:31,326 [Key-Keeper] They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, 242 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:34,329 but I only need two for this one. 243 00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:36,157 Hubba-hubba. 244 00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:38,681 [slurping] 245 00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,596 [gulps and clears throat] 246 00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:42,816 Thank you for the tea, ma'am. 247 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:47,037 It's... I already feel better. 248 00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:50,606 There's not much in this world that a strong cup of tea 249 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,956 and a roaring fire can't fix. 250 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,830 And you're welcome to stay in my guest room tonight. 251 00:10:56,873 --> 00:10:58,440 Oh, thank you, ma'am. 252 00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,137 That's very kind of you. 253 00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:04,838 However, there are one or two ground rules you must observe. 254 00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:06,666 Of course. 255 00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,015 Of course. Anything. 256 00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:11,888 Once you're in your room, you must stay there. 257 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,934 All night. 258 00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:17,372 And you must lock the door, and keep it locked 259 00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:19,853 for the entire night. 260 00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:23,247 Any particular reason why? 261 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,858 [Nana Rose] Alas, yes. 262 00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:27,643 I am not alone in this house. 263 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,819 My granddaughter lives with me, 264 00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:34,040 and she's not quite in her right mind. 265 00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:37,261 She has this compulsive craving 266 00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:39,307 for intimate, physical, 267 00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:44,921 some might even say inappropriate touching. 268 00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:46,880 Really? 269 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:50,013 Oh, yes. She's ravenous for it. 270 00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:52,929 Can't keep her hands to herself. 271 00:11:56,454 --> 00:11:58,718 Wow. That's... 272 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:02,025 I mean, that sounds... Wow. 273 00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:05,812 She's even been known to sneak into the bedrooms 274 00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:09,250 of strange young men in the middle of the night 275 00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:13,254 in order to get her "fix," as it were. 276 00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,864 [thunder rumbling] 277 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:23,960 Is... that your granddaughter? 278 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,920 Yes, it is. 279 00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:28,660 She's beautiful, isn't she? 280 00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:32,055 Well, it's getting late. 281 00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,710 Let's get you settled, shall we? 282 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,588 [Key-Keeper] Surely some rules were meant to be broken, 283 00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:45,982 especially when the consequences might prove 284 00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:49,943 to be downright titillating. 285 00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,862 [door creaking] 286 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:10,093 [curtains ruffling] 287 00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:11,312 [Cheryl] You're here. 288 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:14,837 You came. 289 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,144 Are you the old lady's granddaughter? 290 00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:18,972 Yes. I'm Cheryl. 291 00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,844 I'm so glad you're here. 292 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:27,110 It's been so long since I've gotten to touch... like this. 293 00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:30,853 I... sure am happy to be here, too. 294 00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:31,767 Let me just light a candle. 295 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,334 -No! No! -Whoa. 296 00:13:33,377 --> 00:13:34,683 No. 297 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,467 What we're about to do is best... 298 00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:38,252 It's best done in darkness. 299 00:13:38,295 --> 00:13:40,080 Now kiss me. 300 00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:43,997 And let me... feel you. 301 00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,522 [kissing] 302 00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:52,396 [Key-Keeper] Avert your eyes, pervert, and turn the page, 303 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,009 to a bright new day. 304 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,279 [Nana Rose] How was your night, young man? 305 00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:07,672 Did you sleep well? 306 00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:12,547 It was... incredible. [laughs] 307 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,854 Thank you again for the hospitality, ma'am. 308 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:17,944 I, uh... I saw your granddaughter, 309 00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:20,250 I think, by the window. 310 00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:22,992 So what's wrong with her? 311 00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:24,515 Some kind of mental illness? 312 00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:27,040 Oh, Cheryl was once youthful and vibrant, 313 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,564 like any young girl her age. 314 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,827 But she wanted adventure. 315 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,047 And I couldn't help but indulge her. 316 00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:38,442 She took a trip to some tropical jungle 317 00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,879 in some far-off place, 318 00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:43,143 and unfortunately, while she was there, 319 00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:46,886 she contracted a rare form of leprosy. 320 00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:51,847 Leprosy? 321 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:55,677 Horrible, terrible, disfiguring disease. 322 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,201 Rotting her swollen flesh away, 323 00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:00,508 and incredibly painful. 324 00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:01,944 [gulps] 325 00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,685 Now she can't be around other people 326 00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:06,427 because it's so very contagious, you know. 327 00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:11,780 But, I mean, you don't... 328 00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:15,479 Oh, no, I was exposed as a child, 329 00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:17,046 and so I'm immune. 330 00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:18,961 I don't suppose you... 331 00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:21,181 Am immune? No. 332 00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:24,924 Mercifully, she'll soon succumb to the leprosy and die, 333 00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,447 which is why 334 00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:28,144 I do everything in my power 335 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:34,194 to ensure that she relishes her final days on Earth. 336 00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:36,109 [sputtering] What do you mean? 337 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,719 What do you mean by that? 338 00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:41,201 It was no accident that brought you here, young man. 339 00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:45,118 How do you think those nails got onto that road? 340 00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:49,426 I did warn you. 341 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:54,170 I gave you a chance to lock that door and be a good boy. 342 00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:57,652 And now you're almost certainly infected as well. 343 00:15:57,695 --> 00:15:59,132 [Cheryl] After last night, 344 00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:02,918 we're going to be together forever, and ever 345 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,050 till death do us part. 346 00:16:05,790 --> 00:16:07,314 [screaming] 347 00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:15,017 Well, that was grotesque. 348 00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,672 What was the moral there? 349 00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,369 Don't trust creepy old ladies 350 00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:23,373 and their nymphomaniac, leprosy-ridden granddaughters? 351 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:27,856 Well, it's more of a "curiosity killed the cat" message, I think. 352 00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:29,466 Ah. 353 00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:31,512 Or don't engage in heavy petting in the dark with someone, 354 00:16:31,555 --> 00:16:33,340 if you haven't got proper protection. [chuckles] 355 00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:39,128 You know, I'm hearing that Archie and Cheryl broke up, 356 00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:42,392 and that in the end, they didn't do much more than neck... 357 00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,438 Oh, yeah? Well... 358 00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:48,050 Who can keep up with all the horny teens at Riverdale High? 359 00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:51,010 I mean, what else is there to do? 360 00:16:52,185 --> 00:16:55,318 That's why God created high school. 361 00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:58,191 So there'd be a place where boys could... 362 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,976 chase girls and vice versa. 363 00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:03,500 Yeah. 364 00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:05,241 I mean... 365 00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:06,763 girls will do just about anything 366 00:17:06,808 --> 00:17:08,417 to get a boy's attention. 367 00:17:08,462 --> 00:17:11,464 Including feigning an interest in comic books, apparently. 368 00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:18,079 [typing] 369 00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,386 [Key-Keeper] Every school has one. 370 00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,474 The plain Jane with the ponytail mane, 371 00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,912 the sweater-set waiting for better yet 372 00:17:23,954 --> 00:17:27,481 who none of the boys seemed to sick their sights on. 373 00:17:27,523 --> 00:17:31,746 Bland Betty was little more than an invisible girl. 374 00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:34,401 Yes, my foul fiends, 375 00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:39,667 Betty's prospects of landing a date were very grave indeed. 376 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:43,714 So she followed the advice of her favorite beauty mags. 377 00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:47,066 And now, how can I help you, hun? 378 00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:50,069 I would like a new look, please. 379 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:52,419 Oh, what's giving you the gringles, 380 00:17:52,462 --> 00:17:53,898 doll face? 381 00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:56,162 I just feel so... 382 00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:58,903 unseen. 383 00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,210 All the girls at my school have beaus, 384 00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:04,300 and it's just like I'm a, uh... 385 00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,302 ghost. 386 00:18:06,346 --> 00:18:07,651 I need something... 387 00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:10,263 else, something new. 388 00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,265 Something amazing that will get all the boys' attention. 389 00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:14,093 [hairdresser] Well, I've got to tell you, 390 00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:16,356 this ponytail is doing you no favors. 391 00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:17,705 But, but, but, 392 00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:20,664 I just came back from my fabulous honeymoon abroad. 393 00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:24,146 And there's this new hairstyle that is all the rage in Europe. 394 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,234 Really? What is it? 395 00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:28,542 [hairdresser] It's called the Beehive. 396 00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:29,673 "Beehive." 397 00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:32,502 Sounds sophisticated. 398 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,069 Oh, it is. 399 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,027 So we tease up all your hair, put in some extensions, 400 00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:39,248 and then we roll it all up into a dome, just like a hive. 401 00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:42,338 A hive-hive? 402 00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:43,600 I know it sounds a little silly, 403 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:44,993 but wait till you see it. 404 00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,429 All the girls in England and France, 405 00:18:46,473 --> 00:18:47,604 they just love it. 406 00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,258 And the boys, they're crazy about it. 407 00:18:49,302 --> 00:18:51,347 And, on my mother's grave, 408 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,393 may she rest in peace... 409 00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:56,570 you're going to get all the attention you've ever wanted, 410 00:18:56,613 --> 00:18:57,614 and then some. 411 00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,443 What the heck? 412 00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:02,924 If it's good enough for the Parisians, it's good enough for me. 413 00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,143 [hairdresser] Oh, smart girl. 414 00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,970 You're going to look so chic. 415 00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:08,408 Now, there's just one thing. 416 00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,453 Once we get your goldie locks up into the hive, 417 00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:12,151 you're not gonna be able to wash your hair 418 00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:13,587 or undo it, ever. 419 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,721 Oh. Well, how do I maintain it? 420 00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,462 With this. Hair spray. 421 00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:22,726 Use throughout the day as needed. 422 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:25,425 Well, my mom says, I'm supposed to wash my hair 423 00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:27,514 every other day or at least once a week. 424 00:19:27,557 --> 00:19:29,864 With all due respect to your dear mama, 425 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,213 I'm the professional. 426 00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:32,954 And you do want to look beautiful. 427 00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:34,173 Am I right? 428 00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,264 [Key-Keeper] The next day, 429 00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:40,657 an all-new Betty showed up at school. 430 00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:44,705 Her coif climbed to such heights it rivaled the Tower of Babel. 431 00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:48,709 And similarly, it got everybody talking. 432 00:19:48,752 --> 00:19:52,147 All the boys went goo-goo-ga-ga. 433 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,323 And as for the girls, well, 434 00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:58,284 they were positively gangrene with envy. 435 00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,079 [coughing] 436 00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:15,910 Watch where you're spraying, Betty. 437 00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:18,521 You know, that ridiculous hairstyle will never change the fact 438 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:21,350 that you'll always be a ponytail princess 439 00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:22,743 on the inside. 440 00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,571 [both laugh] 441 00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:26,312 [Key-Keeper] Betty didn't care 442 00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:27,748 what Cheryl and Veronica thought. 443 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,358 In fact, that was the first time 444 00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,055 they'd spoken to her. 445 00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:33,928 And once Betty got that blush of attention, 446 00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:38,324 well, she started needing it, feeding off it. 447 00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,543 The more hairspray she put in her hair, 448 00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:43,329 the heavier and more shellacked it became. 449 00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:45,548 And the more the boys noticed her. 450 00:20:45,592 --> 00:20:48,159 Can I carry your books to class, Betty? 451 00:20:48,203 --> 00:20:49,683 Aw, gee, thanks, Julian. 452 00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:51,424 Hey, uh, Betty, can I take you out 453 00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:52,816 this Friday night, please? 454 00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,470 [chuckles] Aw, Archie... 455 00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:57,212 I'll think about it. 456 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,823 [Key-Keeper] And Betty stayed true to her word. 457 00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:04,263 She didn't wash her hair or undo it, ever. 458 00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:06,395 She even slept in her beehive, 459 00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:10,399 putting more hairspray on before tucking herself in at night. 460 00:21:10,443 --> 00:21:15,274 And that's when the very bad thing happened. 461 00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:16,710 [suspenseful music playing] 462 00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:24,413 I swear, in all my years, I've never seen a cuter couple. 463 00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:27,024 -[chuckles] -She's a cool cookie now, isn't she, Pop? 464 00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:28,374 What do you mean, "now?" 465 00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:30,419 Betty's always been a peach. 466 00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,728 You're making me blush, Archie. 467 00:21:34,771 --> 00:21:36,382 Hey, I'm a lucky cat. 468 00:21:36,425 --> 00:21:37,905 I'm going out with the ginchiest girl 469 00:21:37,948 --> 00:21:40,429 with the ginchiest hair at Riverdale High. 470 00:21:40,473 --> 00:21:41,691 ["I Got Stung" playing] 471 00:21:41,735 --> 00:21:44,433 Mmm! Best song ever. 472 00:21:44,477 --> 00:21:46,479 -Come on, snake, let's rattle. -Okay. 473 00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:56,750 [suspenseful music playing] 474 00:21:58,186 --> 00:21:59,492 Betty, is everything all right? 475 00:22:00,623 --> 00:22:01,624 Whoa, Betty. 476 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,497 [Betty] Something's not... 477 00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:06,455 Betty. Betty! 478 00:22:06,499 --> 00:22:09,066 -Betty! -[coughing] 479 00:22:09,110 --> 00:22:10,459 Someone get some help! 480 00:22:10,503 --> 00:22:13,462 Betty's having some kind of fit! 481 00:22:13,506 --> 00:22:15,508 Someone call the hospital! 482 00:22:15,551 --> 00:22:17,336 Oh, God! Betty! 483 00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:20,556 [Key-Keeper] No one could guess how a young girl like Betty, 484 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:24,647 so full of life, would just drop dead. 485 00:22:24,691 --> 00:22:29,826 Then again, maybe the town's coroner will have the answers. 486 00:22:29,870 --> 00:22:33,526 So young, so beautiful, 487 00:22:33,569 --> 00:22:36,442 and what a fascinating hairstyle. 488 00:22:37,573 --> 00:22:38,531 Hmm. 489 00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:44,450 [whirring] 490 00:22:52,849 --> 00:22:53,894 Oh, my. 491 00:22:56,549 --> 00:22:58,159 What have we here? 492 00:22:58,202 --> 00:22:59,465 No. 493 00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:00,553 No! 494 00:23:01,771 --> 00:23:03,033 Please, no! 495 00:23:03,077 --> 00:23:05,775 No, anything but spiders! 496 00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:07,560 [Key-Keeper] Turns out, Betty's hair 497 00:23:07,603 --> 00:23:10,389 attracted more than just boys. 498 00:23:10,432 --> 00:23:13,130 A black widow spider had crawled 499 00:23:13,174 --> 00:23:14,828 into her tresses that night 500 00:23:14,871 --> 00:23:17,787 and laid a batch of eggs in that ginchy hive of hers. 501 00:23:17,831 --> 00:23:21,182 And when those itsy-bitsy spiders hatched, 502 00:23:21,225 --> 00:23:22,836 they chewed into her brain, 503 00:23:22,879 --> 00:23:26,492 which is what triggered Betty's deadly diner bug-out. 504 00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:28,015 Poor, sweet Betty. 505 00:23:28,058 --> 00:23:30,887 She had to learn her lessons the hard way. 506 00:23:30,931 --> 00:23:35,718 Beauty is only skin deep, and vanity kills. 507 00:23:35,762 --> 00:23:37,416 -[screeching] -[woman screaming] 508 00:23:41,289 --> 00:23:45,772 "Beauty is only skin deep?" "Vanity kills?" 509 00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:49,428 Are these actually different lessons 510 00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:51,952 or variations on a theme? 511 00:23:51,995 --> 00:23:54,868 And what's wrong with wanting to look good? 512 00:23:54,911 --> 00:23:56,783 Boys do the same thing. 513 00:23:56,826 --> 00:23:59,699 They toss weights around, to turn themselves into he-men. 514 00:23:59,742 --> 00:24:03,137 -Uh... -At any rate, by my count, 515 00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:04,747 you're down to your last story 516 00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:07,141 and I still haven't had a starring role in one. 517 00:24:08,664 --> 00:24:10,666 Well, say, that's a notion. 518 00:24:10,710 --> 00:24:13,713 Something romantic would be nice. 519 00:24:13,756 --> 00:24:17,456 Or something that focuses on female friendship. 520 00:24:17,499 --> 00:24:19,022 Yeah, what if we did a flip 521 00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:21,764 of the classic teenage love triangle? 522 00:24:21,808 --> 00:24:23,157 One in which the girls 523 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,812 don't go at each other's throats and cat-fight. 524 00:24:25,855 --> 00:24:27,901 Now, you're singing my tune. 525 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:34,473 Presenting my fourth and final story of the evening. 526 00:24:34,516 --> 00:24:37,911 A terror tale I'm calling "My Better Half." 527 00:24:40,435 --> 00:24:42,045 Archie's a good egg. 528 00:24:42,089 --> 00:24:46,659 But a half-wit when it comes to decision-making. 529 00:24:46,702 --> 00:24:48,748 He struggles with the most basic 530 00:24:48,791 --> 00:24:50,750 of all multiple-choice questions. 531 00:24:50,793 --> 00:24:54,754 Should he go for A, "The girl next door?" 532 00:24:54,797 --> 00:24:58,671 Or B, "The rich starlet-socialite?" 533 00:24:58,714 --> 00:25:02,065 But in a rare stroke of mad genius, 534 00:25:02,109 --> 00:25:05,678 Archie chose C, "Both of the above." 535 00:25:05,721 --> 00:25:08,028 So, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 536 00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:09,682 Archie takes Betty out. 537 00:25:09,725 --> 00:25:11,901 And on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, 538 00:25:11,945 --> 00:25:14,034 he takes out Veronica. 539 00:25:14,077 --> 00:25:16,819 The one downside to this break-neck schedule 540 00:25:16,863 --> 00:25:18,865 was that Archie would, on occasion, 541 00:25:18,908 --> 00:25:22,085 collapse from sheer exhaustion. 542 00:25:22,129 --> 00:25:24,610 But it was nothing that couldn't be rectified 543 00:25:24,653 --> 00:25:26,350 with a strong cup of coffee. 544 00:25:26,394 --> 00:25:28,352 Or four. 545 00:25:28,396 --> 00:25:30,485 But even for a strapping young buck, 546 00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:33,706 six dates a week will wear a fella out. 547 00:25:33,749 --> 00:25:36,186 That's why Archie saved Sundays for himself. 548 00:25:36,230 --> 00:25:40,103 To rest, recover, and replenish for the week ahead. 549 00:25:43,672 --> 00:25:45,413 Now, you might think Archie 550 00:25:45,456 --> 00:25:47,502 would try to keep his relationships a secret. 551 00:25:47,546 --> 00:25:49,112 But he didn't. 552 00:25:49,156 --> 00:25:51,680 Betty and Veronica knew he was dating the other. 553 00:25:51,724 --> 00:25:57,381 Still, each girl wanted Archie all to herself. 554 00:25:57,425 --> 00:25:58,644 They're playing Double Indemnity 555 00:25:58,687 --> 00:26:00,646 at the Babylonium tomorrow night, 556 00:26:00,689 --> 00:26:03,039 if you want to play a little back row bingo. 557 00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:05,825 Oh, I wish I could swing it, but I got plans. 558 00:26:05,868 --> 00:26:08,610 Meaning you've got a date with Veronica. 559 00:26:08,654 --> 00:26:11,613 When are you going to drop that vapid airhead? 560 00:26:11,657 --> 00:26:13,615 Oh, please. Don't get razzled. 561 00:26:13,659 --> 00:26:15,312 Why shouldn't I? 562 00:26:15,356 --> 00:26:19,534 Having to share my beau with that smelly tomboy. 563 00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:20,840 Don't I make you happy? 564 00:26:20,883 --> 00:26:22,406 Of course you do. 565 00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:25,235 Then why aren't I enough? 566 00:26:25,279 --> 00:26:28,282 Oh, come on, it's not like that. 567 00:26:28,325 --> 00:26:30,937 Hey, you guys are both so different. 568 00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:33,243 But let me let you in on a little secret. 569 00:26:36,812 --> 00:26:38,597 [whispers] You're my favorite. 570 00:26:39,815 --> 00:26:41,512 [both] Really? 571 00:26:41,556 --> 00:26:42,949 Oh, Archie. 572 00:26:47,170 --> 00:26:48,998 How do you do it, Andrews? 573 00:26:49,042 --> 00:26:51,479 Two broads at the same time. What's your secret? 574 00:26:51,522 --> 00:26:55,309 All right, listen, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once, okay? 575 00:26:55,352 --> 00:26:57,485 You tell them what they want to hear. 576 00:26:57,528 --> 00:27:00,096 That yes, I'm seeing other girls, 577 00:27:00,140 --> 00:27:03,839 but I'm only serious about you. 578 00:27:03,883 --> 00:27:07,669 Okay? You feed them the same three simple words. 579 00:27:11,499 --> 00:27:13,327 "You're my favorite." 580 00:27:13,370 --> 00:27:14,371 [boys snicker] 581 00:27:15,285 --> 00:27:17,940 Technically, that's four words. 582 00:27:17,984 --> 00:27:19,855 "You're" is a contraction. 583 00:27:19,899 --> 00:27:21,117 "You are my favorite." 584 00:27:21,161 --> 00:27:24,381 -Four words. -Shut up, Doiley. 585 00:27:24,425 --> 00:27:27,167 We're learning from Don Juan here. 586 00:27:27,210 --> 00:27:32,302 But don't you ever get... exhausted? 587 00:27:32,825 --> 00:27:34,391 Sure. 588 00:27:34,435 --> 00:27:37,307 But that's why God invented Sundays and coffee. 589 00:27:37,351 --> 00:27:39,527 [boys laughing] 590 00:27:39,570 --> 00:27:41,834 Things might've kept humming along as is 591 00:27:41,877 --> 00:27:43,313 until graduation day, 592 00:27:43,357 --> 00:27:46,665 but the Good Ship Archie was headed for an iceberg, 593 00:27:46,708 --> 00:27:48,318 Valentine's Day, 594 00:27:48,362 --> 00:27:51,974 which, this year, disastrously, landed on a Sunday. 595 00:27:52,018 --> 00:27:53,410 So, Veronica, who's the lucky guy 596 00:27:53,454 --> 00:27:55,630 taking you out for Valentine's Day? 597 00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:58,589 -Archiekins, of course. -Keep dreaming. 598 00:27:58,633 --> 00:27:59,895 Archie is my date. 599 00:27:59,939 --> 00:28:01,767 You know, Betty, for a smart girl, 600 00:28:01,810 --> 00:28:03,464 you really are dense. 601 00:28:03,507 --> 00:28:06,902 Archie is going to spend V-Day with his best girl. 602 00:28:06,946 --> 00:28:08,295 And that's me. 603 00:28:08,338 --> 00:28:10,036 -Says you. -Says him. 604 00:28:10,079 --> 00:28:13,822 Archiekins says the only reason he spends so much time with you 605 00:28:13,866 --> 00:28:15,911 is because you're a charity case. 606 00:28:15,955 --> 00:28:20,089 First of all, he hates being called Archiekins. 607 00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:21,961 Second of all, the only reason 608 00:28:22,004 --> 00:28:23,919 he spends any time with you at all 609 00:28:23,963 --> 00:28:26,748 is because your ego is so fragile 610 00:28:26,792 --> 00:28:29,882 he's afraid you might do something desperate or crazy 611 00:28:29,925 --> 00:28:31,100 if he breaks up with you. 612 00:28:31,144 --> 00:28:32,841 He said I'm fragile? 613 00:28:32,885 --> 00:28:35,539 Oh, as a Glamerge egg. 614 00:28:35,583 --> 00:28:37,716 Well, he told me you're so high-strung 615 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:41,415 you sometimes take your mom's sleeping pills to go to bed. 616 00:28:41,458 --> 00:28:43,765 -He told you that? -Mmm-hmm. 617 00:28:43,809 --> 00:28:46,768 Sounds like someone's been playing you two for fools. 618 00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:50,990 [scoffs] 619 00:28:51,033 --> 00:28:52,905 [both] That rat-fink! 620 00:28:52,948 --> 00:28:54,907 Archie, you have to choose right now. 621 00:28:54,950 --> 00:28:56,865 Who's going to be your date for Valentine's Day? 622 00:28:56,909 --> 00:28:58,693 And after you pick me, of course, 623 00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:00,695 you need to end things with Betty permanently. 624 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:04,046 Ladies, ladies, let's all calm down. 625 00:29:04,090 --> 00:29:06,396 In fact... 626 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,659 neither of you can be my date on Valentine's Day. 627 00:29:08,703 --> 00:29:10,096 [both] Why not? 628 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:13,534 'Cause I'm taking my mom. 629 00:29:14,491 --> 00:29:15,971 You see, it's... 630 00:29:16,015 --> 00:29:18,365 It's her first Valentine's Day without my dad, and... 631 00:29:20,149 --> 00:29:21,977 And, well, she needs me. 632 00:29:23,239 --> 00:29:25,328 I hope you guys can understand. 633 00:29:25,372 --> 00:29:27,940 Archie, of course we understand. 634 00:29:27,983 --> 00:29:29,724 That's so sweet and thoughtful. 635 00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:31,900 I'm sorry we pressured you. 636 00:29:31,944 --> 00:29:33,989 Me, too. It was her idea. 637 00:29:34,033 --> 00:29:36,252 Well, you guys shouldn't have to miss out 638 00:29:36,296 --> 00:29:38,124 on Valentine's Day on account of me. 639 00:29:38,167 --> 00:29:39,952 I mean, there must be some other guys you can go out with. 640 00:29:39,995 --> 00:29:41,867 Yeah, Betty, find somebody else. 641 00:29:41,910 --> 00:29:43,912 No. No, it's really okay. 642 00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:45,479 There's an extra credit report 643 00:29:45,522 --> 00:29:47,133 that I've been putting off, so... 644 00:29:47,176 --> 00:29:49,309 As for me, Mademoiselle just published a recipe 645 00:29:49,352 --> 00:29:51,528 for an egg-white face mask I've been dying to try. 646 00:29:51,572 --> 00:29:53,530 So that'll keep me busy. 647 00:29:53,574 --> 00:29:57,404 Okay, so you're both staying in this Sunday night, then? 648 00:30:04,150 --> 00:30:06,326 [music playing on record] 649 00:30:06,369 --> 00:30:10,069 But when Sunday night rolled around... 650 00:30:10,112 --> 00:30:14,116 Betty and Veronica decided against staying in, 651 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,815 and went on a Valentine's date, 652 00:30:16,858 --> 00:30:18,425 together. 653 00:30:20,122 --> 00:30:24,387 So, imagine their surprise when who should walk in but... 654 00:30:28,217 --> 00:30:31,655 -He wouldn't. -He couldn't. 655 00:30:31,699 --> 00:30:33,440 [both] That rat-fink! 656 00:30:39,141 --> 00:30:40,360 [Betty] Wait. 657 00:30:40,403 --> 00:30:42,057 Whatever you're about to do... 658 00:30:43,885 --> 00:30:45,713 I have a much better idea. 659 00:30:54,026 --> 00:30:56,985 Betty. Veronica. 660 00:30:57,029 --> 00:30:58,552 What's going on? 661 00:30:58,595 --> 00:31:00,641 We were wondering how your Valentine's date went 662 00:31:00,684 --> 00:31:02,121 with your mom. 663 00:31:02,164 --> 00:31:04,993 Yeah, it was nice. Quiet. 664 00:31:06,429 --> 00:31:07,866 Why? 665 00:31:07,909 --> 00:31:10,738 Well, because a night-off gave us a chance to reflect, 666 00:31:10,781 --> 00:31:13,393 and since you've been having such a hard time 667 00:31:13,436 --> 00:31:15,961 deciding between the two of us, 668 00:31:16,004 --> 00:31:17,353 we were thinking... 669 00:31:18,833 --> 00:31:20,835 what if you had us both? 670 00:31:23,838 --> 00:31:26,362 At the exact same time, 671 00:31:26,406 --> 00:31:29,409 for a very, very special date? 672 00:31:31,628 --> 00:31:32,934 Really? 673 00:31:32,978 --> 00:31:34,022 [both] Really. 674 00:31:36,068 --> 00:31:38,113 Say no more. 675 00:31:38,157 --> 00:31:39,071 I'll pick you both up tonight, 676 00:31:39,114 --> 00:31:40,420 we'll head over to Lover's Lane. 677 00:31:40,463 --> 00:31:43,118 I know the perfect spot. Nice and private. 678 00:31:43,162 --> 00:31:46,861 Actually, Betty had an interesting idea. 679 00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:50,169 I was thinking we could meet in shop class. 680 00:31:50,212 --> 00:31:52,780 After hours, of course. 681 00:31:52,823 --> 00:31:54,042 Why would we go there? 682 00:31:54,086 --> 00:31:55,826 -[both chuckle] -Don't you know? 683 00:31:56,740 --> 00:31:58,525 It's sound-proof. 684 00:31:58,568 --> 00:32:03,660 And we plan on making a lot of noise. 685 00:32:10,145 --> 00:32:12,974 [both] Come, Archie. Join us. 686 00:32:17,761 --> 00:32:19,111 Wait. 687 00:32:19,154 --> 00:32:20,895 You're forgetting something. 688 00:32:22,941 --> 00:32:24,899 Your coffee. 689 00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:26,988 We took the liberty of brewing it 690 00:32:27,032 --> 00:32:28,685 extra strong for you tonight. 691 00:32:28,729 --> 00:32:32,037 Oh, guys, I really don't think I'm gonna need a boost tonight. 692 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,865 Now, now, no need to posture. 693 00:32:34,909 --> 00:32:38,217 You'll want all your energy for what we have planned. 694 00:32:38,260 --> 00:32:39,131 Promise. 695 00:32:39,174 --> 00:32:41,611 Cross our hearts and hope to die. 696 00:32:47,835 --> 00:32:48,923 Mmm. 697 00:32:55,799 --> 00:32:58,585 [echoing] Everything all right, Archiekins? 698 00:32:58,628 --> 00:33:00,674 [echoing] Yeah, no, I'm good. I just... 699 00:33:13,643 --> 00:33:15,950 [normal] Someone's waking up, Vee. 700 00:33:15,994 --> 00:33:18,170 [Veronica] I think you're right, Bee. 701 00:33:18,213 --> 00:33:20,085 Welcome back, handsome. 702 00:33:22,391 --> 00:33:23,436 What's happening? 703 00:33:23,479 --> 00:33:24,785 Apologies if you're 704 00:33:24,828 --> 00:33:26,395 experiencing a splitting headache. 705 00:33:26,439 --> 00:33:28,180 I wasn't sure how many of my mom's sleeping pills 706 00:33:28,223 --> 00:33:29,790 to slip into your coffee. 707 00:33:29,833 --> 00:33:32,575 Whatever it is, I'm sure we can figure it out. 708 00:33:32,619 --> 00:33:34,838 But it's already been figured out, silly. 709 00:33:34,882 --> 00:33:37,276 Trust us. This is a perfect solution. 710 00:33:37,319 --> 00:33:40,496 After all, a problem shared is a problem solved. 711 00:33:40,540 --> 00:33:43,325 -Shall we, Vee? -After you, Bee. 712 00:33:43,369 --> 00:33:45,414 Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait! 713 00:33:45,458 --> 00:33:48,069 Wait, hold on! Hold on! 714 00:33:51,159 --> 00:33:53,118 [screaming] 715 00:33:53,161 --> 00:33:56,295 Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! 716 00:33:56,338 --> 00:33:59,472 This won't hurt... much. 717 00:33:59,515 --> 00:34:01,865 [both] We just want to double our fun. 718 00:34:03,128 --> 00:34:04,303 [screaming] 719 00:34:13,094 --> 00:34:14,791 [splattering] 720 00:34:14,835 --> 00:34:16,576 [Key-Keeper] Here, for the first time, 721 00:34:16,619 --> 00:34:19,795 Betty and Veronica are with their beloved Archie 722 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:22,842 on the same night at the same time, 723 00:34:22,886 --> 00:34:26,324 secure in the knowledge that they'll never have to 724 00:34:26,368 --> 00:34:28,762 share him again. 725 00:34:28,804 --> 00:34:32,547 Didn't I tell you he was a half-wit? 726 00:34:32,592 --> 00:34:34,072 -[woman screaming] -[Key-Keeper chuckling] 727 00:34:39,728 --> 00:34:41,208 Well? 728 00:34:41,253 --> 00:34:43,690 What did you think of that tag-team twist at the end? 729 00:34:43,733 --> 00:34:47,085 O. Henry, eat your heart out, am I right? 730 00:34:47,128 --> 00:34:50,739 I have... opinions. 731 00:34:50,784 --> 00:34:52,090 Okey-dokey. 732 00:34:53,743 --> 00:34:57,530 I'm detecting a pattern, Jughead. 733 00:34:57,573 --> 00:35:00,750 The sexual politics in most of your stories 734 00:35:00,794 --> 00:35:04,276 are troubling, to say the least. 735 00:35:04,319 --> 00:35:06,974 [chuckles softly] Veronica, my gosh, 736 00:35:07,844 --> 00:35:10,760 you may be overthinking this. 737 00:35:10,804 --> 00:35:12,893 These stories are just meant to be a gas. 738 00:35:12,936 --> 00:35:14,416 For whom? 739 00:35:14,460 --> 00:35:17,115 Not teen girls, not when you're depicting them like... 740 00:35:18,377 --> 00:35:21,119 shallow, crazy killers. 741 00:35:21,162 --> 00:35:22,468 Is that what you think of us? 742 00:35:23,295 --> 00:35:25,297 No. Of course not. 743 00:35:25,340 --> 00:35:27,560 The boys aren't great shakes, either. 744 00:35:27,603 --> 00:35:29,910 So you admit you're demonizing women? 745 00:35:29,953 --> 00:35:33,218 Veronica, it's just a comic book. 746 00:35:40,573 --> 00:35:44,098 Anyhoo, I'm done now. 747 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,231 Why don't we try to catch that last showing of Diabolique 748 00:35:46,274 --> 00:35:47,493 at the Babylonium? 749 00:35:47,536 --> 00:35:49,277 What do you say? My treat. 750 00:35:49,321 --> 00:35:54,413 I think I'll take a page from your last story 751 00:35:54,456 --> 00:35:55,979 and split. 752 00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:01,159 What's going on? Are we not copacetic anymore? 753 00:36:01,202 --> 00:36:02,377 Of course we are. 754 00:36:02,421 --> 00:36:05,075 I'm just tired, is all. 755 00:36:05,119 --> 00:36:07,208 I'll catch you at school tomorrow, promise. 756 00:36:08,557 --> 00:36:10,994 [Jughead] And as easy as that, 757 00:36:11,038 --> 00:36:16,783 whatever bubble Veronica and I had been in, just burst. 758 00:36:16,826 --> 00:36:21,222 Tomorrow, at school, things would be different. 759 00:36:21,266 --> 00:36:23,442 We'd no longer be the Marilyn Monroe 760 00:36:23,485 --> 00:36:25,705 and Arthur Miller of Riverdale High. 761 00:36:25,748 --> 00:36:27,446 We'd pass each other in the hall, 762 00:36:27,489 --> 00:36:29,274 but she'd once again be the beautiful socialite, 763 00:36:29,317 --> 00:36:32,190 and I'd be the melvin who writes comic books. 764 00:36:32,233 --> 00:36:36,716 The kind that hopefully weren't corrupting the youth of America. 765 00:36:36,759 --> 00:36:38,805 [Featherhead] "Don't be fooled by their name. 766 00:36:38,848 --> 00:36:40,981 These publications are anything but comic. 767 00:36:41,024 --> 00:36:44,202 In their pages, crime is glorified. 768 00:36:44,245 --> 00:36:49,076 Acts of wanton carnality are celebrated. 769 00:36:49,119 --> 00:36:53,254 Stabbings and beheadings and disembowelings are commonplace, 770 00:36:53,298 --> 00:36:54,777 vividly depicted, 771 00:36:54,821 --> 00:36:57,954 and offered up to our children like so much bubblegum. 772 00:36:57,998 --> 00:37:00,435 If anyone doubts the insidious effects 773 00:37:00,479 --> 00:37:01,784 of this subversive medium, 774 00:37:01,828 --> 00:37:04,352 let me stress what my extensive research 775 00:37:04,396 --> 00:37:05,788 has proven time and again. 776 00:37:05,832 --> 00:37:08,574 There's a direct and undeniable link 777 00:37:08,617 --> 00:37:11,446 between gruesome acts of brutality depicted 778 00:37:11,490 --> 00:37:13,100 in the pages of comic books, 779 00:37:13,143 --> 00:37:16,321 and similar acts of savagery committed in real life 780 00:37:16,364 --> 00:37:19,846 by the juveniles who read these comics books. 781 00:37:19,889 --> 00:37:21,804 Our children are being seduced 782 00:37:21,848 --> 00:37:26,592 -by violence, by sex, by depravity. -[typewriter clacking] 783 00:37:26,635 --> 00:37:29,377 Their innocence must be preserved 784 00:37:29,421 --> 00:37:31,292 by any means necessary." 785 00:37:32,380 --> 00:37:34,469 I congratulate you, Dr. Werthers. 786 00:37:34,513 --> 00:37:36,558 That's a brilliant editorial. 787 00:37:36,602 --> 00:37:39,953 The soon-to-be-forgotten Muggs murders, 788 00:37:39,996 --> 00:37:42,129 small potatoes compared to the threat to America 789 00:37:42,172 --> 00:37:44,305 that you have outlined here for us tonight. 790 00:37:44,349 --> 00:37:45,611 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. 791 00:37:45,654 --> 00:37:48,744 I consider it my civic and moral duty. 792 00:37:48,788 --> 00:37:51,660 That's why these so-called creators 793 00:37:51,704 --> 00:37:56,578 of these dangerous and morally reprehensible stories 794 00:37:56,622 --> 00:37:58,145 must be held accountable 795 00:37:58,188 --> 00:38:01,757 and punished to the full extent of the law. 796 00:38:05,152 --> 00:38:06,849 [Fieldstone] I've been reading your stories, Jones. 797 00:38:06,893 --> 00:38:08,547 I gotta say, I love 'em. 798 00:38:08,590 --> 00:38:10,070 This is incredible stuff. 799 00:38:10,113 --> 00:38:12,290 Thank you, Mr. Fieldstone. I, um... 800 00:38:13,465 --> 00:38:14,944 I needed a win today. 801 00:38:14,988 --> 00:38:16,772 Oh, how come? 802 00:38:16,816 --> 00:38:19,906 Ah, let me guess. Girl trouble? 803 00:38:20,472 --> 00:38:22,125 Yeah. 804 00:38:22,169 --> 00:38:25,694 I... kinda had this sweet thing going with this one gal, 805 00:38:25,738 --> 00:38:28,480 but then she read my comics and, um... 806 00:38:29,481 --> 00:38:31,831 Well, she took it the wrong way. 807 00:38:31,874 --> 00:38:33,876 I don't think she liked what I was saying. 808 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:35,574 I don't even know what that means. 809 00:38:35,617 --> 00:38:36,705 But you busted your ass 810 00:38:36,749 --> 00:38:39,795 to turn those stories around overnight. 811 00:38:39,839 --> 00:38:41,362 And I think you deserve 812 00:38:41,406 --> 00:38:42,885 a little something extra for that. 813 00:38:42,929 --> 00:38:45,453 -A bonus? -God, no. What are you, nuts? 814 00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:47,499 No, I'm thinking, um, credit. 815 00:38:47,542 --> 00:38:49,283 -Your name... -On the cover? 816 00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:52,547 God, no. A byline. 817 00:38:52,591 --> 00:38:55,333 -On the inside. But still... -It's my name in print. 818 00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:58,640 Oh, golly, that would be incredible, Mr. Fieldstone. 819 00:38:58,684 --> 00:39:00,163 I mean, my friends would flip. 820 00:39:00,207 --> 00:39:03,297 How does Jughead "Jugular" Jones 821 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:04,907 sound for a byline? 822 00:39:04,951 --> 00:39:07,649 Oh... [whistles] I'm crazy for it. 823 00:39:07,693 --> 00:39:08,911 [laughs] Yeah. 824 00:39:08,955 --> 00:39:10,783 Now, you listen to me, kid, 825 00:39:10,826 --> 00:39:13,525 I don't know much, but I do know this. 826 00:39:13,568 --> 00:39:15,527 Girls come and go. 827 00:39:15,570 --> 00:39:17,398 But your name in print, 828 00:39:17,442 --> 00:39:21,620 now that's a thing that'll make people sit up and take notice. 829 00:39:21,663 --> 00:39:24,100 [Jughead] Little did any of us imagine how prophetic 830 00:39:24,144 --> 00:39:26,755 Mr. Fieldstone's words would turn out to be. 831 00:39:28,409 --> 00:39:29,497 [screeching] 832 00:39:31,281 --> 00:39:32,500 [woman screaming]