[typing]
[birds chirping]
[drumming]
[exhales]
[drumming]
WOMAN: Lettuce, tomato, onion.
Uh, pickles.
And tzatziki sauce.
Oh, and, uh, a little hot sauce, too.
MAN: Hot sauce, okay.
[drumming]
Hi.
Thank you, ma'am.
You're welcome. God bless.
[drumming]
Hi!
Hey, lady.
"O God, why do you cast us off forever?
Why does your anger smoke
against the sheep of your pasture?
Remember your congregation, which you acquired long ago,
which you redeemed to be the tribe of your heritage."
[telephone rings]
Can I just...
[ring]
Sisters of Mercy.
Who? Colleen?
No, we don't have any sisters named that.
No, ma'am, I don't know.
Do you know which order?
Oh, yeah, then I definitely don't know.
There are so many. I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
Hope you find her. God bless.
♪
[muffled conversation]
♪
GEORGE W. BUSH: I think the people understand.
I'm a war president.
I hear the voices, and I read the front page,
and I know the speculation, but I'm the decider.
But I'm the decider.
MAN: And I ask you whether you recall the title of that PDB.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: I believe the title was
Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.
♪
MAN: You know that, that old Beach Boys song Barbara Ann?
WOMAN: We're going to do what we have to do
to protect the United States of America.
MAN: The message of these brave men and women
who are serving over there is "Let us win."
[screaming]
BUSH: And night fell on a different world,
on a world where freedom itself is under attack.
[screaming]
[turns off water]
Sorry.
You're Debbie's friend.
Yeah.
You're the nun. [giggles]
Um, yeah...
So, you, like, devoted your life to Christ and everything?
[women snickering]
You did.
I thought the show was really creative.
Thank you. That's all right. I don't want to mess with you.
It's just I've never seen one before.
I've never seen a real live nun before.
It's okay.
Sorry.
Do you wanna do some blow with us?
Oh, I can't.
Sorry. Thanks.
COLLEEN: I have no idea how you would get, like,
I don't know, like a record deal or a record company
or any of that, but...
I just think like, you're so talented,
and, and if you can, then, and if you'd like to,
then you should,
you should share your gift with the world.
I don't know. I don't know.
Just that's what my parents always told me.
ANNOUNCER: The next Manhattan-bound L train
will depart in approximately 37 minutes.
[sustained note playing on organ]
♪
[note stops]
Sorry.
[playing organ]
REVEREND MOTHER: Do you remember what I said to you
when you first joined our order, Joan of Arc?
Mm-hmm.
Do you think I was right?
No.
You think I was wrong.
I'm sorry.
You're very close to your first vows,
and I'm having trouble believing that you're really devoted--
I am devoted.
Sorry.
I don't want you to not have fun.
You're young. You should have fun.
But if this community isn't offering you
enough fun already...
What's wrong?
Hey.
I like your sunglasses.
Thanks.
[typing]
[drumming]
♪
[clears throat]
♪
[clears throat]
You want to borrow my car, don't you?
For how long?
Um, I don't know.
Three or four days.
You must tell me a number and stick with it.
It took God six days to create the universe.
You should be able to get your act together in five.
Okay.
Okay, five days.
Use the time wisely, Sister.
♪
♪ Take my life and let it be ♪
♪ consecrated, Lord, to Thee ♪
♪ Take my hands and let them move ♪
♪ at the impulse of thy love ♪
♪ Take my lips and let them be ♪
♪ filled with messages from Thee ♪
♪ Take my silver and my gold ♪
♪ not a mite would I withhold ♪
♪ Take my love; my God, I pour ♪
♪ at thy feet its treasure store ♪
♪ Take myself, and I will be ♪
♪ ever, only, all for thee ♪
♪
[birds chirping]
[knocking on door]
Hello?
Jacob?
Hello?
[birds chirping]
♪
[microwave humming]
[soft banging]
TV NARRATOR: Starlings are medium-sized passerines.
The shortest-bodied species is Kenrick's starling,
but the lightest-weight species is Abbott's starling
[lock turns in door]
Holy cow.
Hi, Dad.
You look great.
You smell a little weird.
You smell like always.
[dog barks]
Oh, Chiclet!
The more things change, huh?
Hi!
Joani!
JOANI: I'm getting the bags!
BILL: Joani, get in here, now!
[approaching footsteps]
Hi, Mom.
Oh!
Oh, sweet pea.
Oh, you're home.
Oh, you're home!
Sweet pea!
BILL: Mmm! JOANI: Oh!
BILL: Look what the cat dragged in.
Hey, Colleen.
Hey, Tricia.
Did you, did you get my emails?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah?
Um, I'm on, um, medicine now.
Did you know that?
That's good, Mom.
Yeah. I'm so happy you're home.
Did you see your brother? Did you say hi?
I didn't know he was home until--
Oh, I'm going to go, I'm going to go get him.
No, you don't have to do that.
Yes, I'm going to go get him.
Mom!
Hey, want to see something cool?
Hey, come on.
BILL ON TV: Are you looking for a band
for your wedding, birthday, or corporate event?
Pro-Star Entertainment has a wide variety of musicians
for your every need.
From smooth jazz to classic rock,
country, calypso, and beyond.
Our professional attitude...
COLLEEN: Oh, wow.
What?
Pretty neat, right?
BILL ON TV: Give Pro-Star Entertainment
a call today at (828) PRO-STAR.
That was really something.
[drumming]
I hope you're still hungry for dinner.
[drumming]
The latest polls show a majority of Americans
think Democratic senator Joe Biden
won last night's vice presidential debate.
[drumming]
So, you really stuck with that vegetarian thing, huh?
Yep.
When you were little, all you wanted were nuggets.
[telephone rings] Chicken nuggets.
"Papa" nuggets, remember? Big ol' papa nugget.
[ring]
Oh, man, this really hits the spot.
[ring]
Is anybody going to get that?
[ring]
They wanna put your brother on CNN.
[ring]
[drumming]
[knock on door]
BILL: Colleen?
Colleen.
Yeah?
Your mom and I are dropping Tricia off
and heading into the office.
Are you going to be okay here by yourself?
Uh, yeah.
Hey, give your brother some space, okay?
Okay.
LITTLE COLLEEN: We love you, Mama and Papa!
We think that you're the bee's knees!
LITTLE JACOB: We're happy you got married
and gave birth to Colleen and me.
You help us with our homework. You take us to the zoo.
LITTLE JACOB: And that's why on this special day,
we're saying Happy Anniversary to you!
LITTLE COLLEEN: We know you'll never leave us,
and we swear on the stars above...
[pounding on door]
LITTLE JACOB: To be good for you forever
and give you all our love!
MAN: Welcome wagon!
BOTH: Happy Anniversary!
Uh, hey, there. Is Jacob home?
Uh, I don't think he's taking any visitors right now.
Wait a second. Shoot. Colleen?
Yeah.
Look at you, girl, all grown up!
Like a, like a librarian or something.
I barely recognized you without all the, uh, the,
you know, the Marilyn Manson stuff on your face.
It's like the ugly duckling has turned into a beautiful swan.
[drumming]
So, uh, we should come back a little later, then?
[drumming]
[whistles]
[drumming]
[knocks]
[drumming]
[drumming stops]
Jacob?
JACOB: Who is it?
Uh...
It's your sister.
[door creaks]
Welcome home.
Thanks.
You look different.
Is it okay to hug you?
Sure.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
I love you.
Do you wanna hang out?
Not really.
♪
[locks door]
♪
Emily.
Oh, my god. Colleen!
You should tell me when you're back in town!
Well, it's an unexpected visit.
Oh, my god! You're, like, a real nun now.
Almost.
Everybody's talking about your brother.
His whole face, huh?
Mm-hmm.
I'm so sorry.
I had such a crush on him in high school.
I was at my parents' vacation house,
but they didn't actually say I could be there,
so technically I was squatting.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, remember this place?
It looks exactly the same.
I'm gonna go take a shower, wash off the granola.
Make yourself at home.
Okay.
[shower running]
♪
EMILY: I came into work, and he was like,
"You're ugly, and you have a bad personality,"
and so I hit him in the eyes.
And then he had to get surgery, but that was his fault because--
Yeah, yeah, and I had to listen to them
talk about how great they are
and, like, how they're doing this artist residency
in Barcelona and all these things.
And that's annoying, but then I realized...
Wow.
I hope this is okay.
Whatever, dude.
You sure you don't want one?
Is that like a nun thing?
It's still a Colleen thing.
Wow.
Do you still have your V-card?
Lifetime member.
[Emily laughs]
How were we friends in high school?
No one else liked us.
Oh, yeah.
So, why did you move home?
[chickens clucking]
We are here inside the Findlay Corp chicken farm.
Findlay slaughters thousands of innocent birds every day.
That's awful.
Yeah, so, I had to get out of Michigan pretty fast.
Do Rick and Sherry know?
No, they just think I'm a screw-up.
Whatever, it's fine. We hardly even talk.
[siren]
Did you get arrested?
Uh-uh.
Thank God.
You know the government considers us terrorists?
You know what a terrorist is?
It's somebody who actually does something.
People want to vote for change,
but they don't actually want to do the changing.
I worked for PETA.
I went to the marches. Nothing happened.
When I started doing this stuff,
then I could feel something happening.
I could feel the difference we were making.
If that makes me a terrorist, then whatever.
Some people need to be terrorized sometimes.
NEWS ANCHOR: The latest jobs report is in
from the Labor Department, and it does not look good.
The figures show that American companies
are laying off employees
at the fastest rate in five years,
with over 159,000 jobs lost since September.
[door opens]
Where you been? Your father and I made dinner.
We had no idea you'd be home so late.
I ran into Emily Rhoades.
Oh, well, you could've called.
We had no way of getting in touch with you.
Uh, you haven't had a way to get in touch with me
for like three years.
[slams glass on table] Seriously?
I'm sorry.
I'll call next time.
BILL: There's some dessert in the fridge.
[drumming]
[birds chirping]
[drumming]
[pounding on door]
JOANI: Why is this door locked?
I'm getting dressed!
I don't like locked doors in my house.
I'm putting my clothes on!
Okay, fine.
[music playing]
[telephone rings]
[ring]
Are you okay?
Excuse me?
[ring]
You seem maybe not okay.
I just didn't want you to miss breakfast.
[crunching]
Scrapple, kiddo?
No, no!
Oops.
No meat.
Mr. Bacon Greasy Fingers!
It's barely meat! Just eat around it.
So, I am gonna drop Tricia off at David's farm.
Do you wanna come say hello? He'd love to see you.
Terri, too.
I, um, I don't think so.
I, um, was hoping Jacob and I could...
Okay, yeah, sure, that'd be fine.
[telephone rings]
Cool.
[ring]
[birds chirping]
DAVID: Take your pick! Whatever you want!
Hi, Uncle David!
Oh, look at you! Aw! Scrawny little thing.
Don't they feed you up in New York?
This place looks great!
- Yeah, you like it? - Mm-hmm.
Terri always wanted her own little herb farm,
so she's finally got it.
In the meantime,
I'm the one that has to take care of this place.
But I did get to name the goats!
[goat bleats]
Shut up, Blanche!
She's my favorite.
Tricia, why don't you take Colleen
on a little tour of the farm
because David and I have some business to discuss.
Five minutes, sweet pea.
Okay.
I think it's great you and Jacob are still together.
Uh, thanks.
It's, um...
Yeah.
Don't my parents drive you crazy?
Oh, they're not that bad.
At least they care.
How long you been working here?
Ever since they got the place, a couple years ago.
And then after your brother got hurt,
I needed something to keep me busy.
♪
What's in there?
♪
So, you just water everything and feed the animals?
All kinds of stuff.
Um, collect the eggs from the chickens.
Chickens?
[clucking]
Did you know they were cannibals?
No.
Yeah. The big ones peck the little ones to death,
and then they eat them.
Wow.
WOMAN ON COMPUTER: You know, we're just playing
with some ice cream,
waiting for some hot boys to come by.
We even tried on some sexy outfits for them, too.
[door opens]
Meow.
Colleen?
Hey, wanna go for a walk?
Not really.
Okay.
BILL: It vass a dark and stormy night.
LITTLE COLLEEN: I vant to suck your blood!
LITTLE JACOB: Go back to your grave, Draculina!
Never!
Oh, yeah? Then take this!
Hey, put that down! Cut it out!
JOANI: Where did you get this? Where did you get this?
I borrowed it from Tyler.
What's the rule in our house?
No guns allowed.
Hey, there, mister man.
Tricia, you don't have to.
Please, let me at least try.
Mmm. My big strong hero.
Tricia.
You are.
Please.
No, I want to see how much you want me.
I'm trying really hard right now.
I know, I know. I appreciate it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[drumming]
[drumming grows louder]
Mom, where's the hair dryer?
In the middle drawer.
Find it okay?
Yep.
[knock on door]
Hello?
Have a seat!
Colleen...
Have a seat, please!
[crowd murmur]
[jazz playing]
[scat singing]
[Colleen lip syncing] ♪ Mommies ♪
♪ I've been stealing your babies ♪
♪ I gag the brat and then maybe ♪
♪ I'll suck out his brain! ♪
♪ You know, those Dead kids ♪
♪ They're making me feel almost hard ♪
♪ I go get one from the schoolyard ♪
♪ He bled like a stuck pig! ♪
[heavy metal playing]
♪ Have you seen me? ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ Have you seen me? ♪
♪
♪ Suckle ♪
♪ my bloated love knuckle ♪
♪ Just like Fatty Arbuckle ♪
♪ I'm gay, and I'm proud! ♪
♪ That's right, faggot ♪
♪ And a corpse full of maggots ♪
♪ I wanna blow cum not bag it ♪
♪ God damn it I'm horny! ♪
♪
♪ Have you seen me? ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ Have you seen me? ♪
[knock on door]
[heavy metal playing]
Uh, we'll just come back another time.
See? There's no one out here.
♪
Ready?
Mm-hmm.
♪
How often do our parents smoke pot?
All the time.
When did that start?
I don't think it ever really stopped.
Um, maybe they cut back when we were born,
but ever since you left, they just totally don't care,
and with all my stuff and Tricia...
Well, you don't, do you?
Maybe a few times, in Iraq.
Hmm, what was it like?
It was okay. I mean, it was kinda stupid,
but sometimes you have to get stupid over there.
♪
So, we do these, um, field trips, um, across America
to do, like, community service stuff, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Like, we did a lot of home rebuilding
in Louisiana and Mississippi, that sort of thing,
but this one month we went to Charleston, South Carolina,
and we worked in a group home for mentally disabled adults,
and I, um, I was assigned to a woman named Ro-ro,
and, um, um, she was really so sweet and very funny.
She insisted on putting her own makeup on every morning.
Mm-hmm.
And, um, she was a midge-- She was a little person,
and she loved men.
That's all she ever wanted to talk about,
and she'd just go on and on about men,
and if I, if I put on the song Achy Breaky Heart,
she just lost it.
I've never seen someone so happy in my whole life
than when Ro-ro would listen to Achy Breaky Heart,
but one of the nuns, Sister Isadora,
she was assigned to this patient,
this guy who ate everything, literally everything.
He, um, had a disorder
where he'd put everything in his mouth,
so you had to watch him at all times,
even when he went into the bathroom,
and so Isadora went into the bathroom once,
and he sat on the toilet, and he, um, he's taking a poop.
When he finishes, after he finishes,
he reaches into the toilet,
and he pulls it out, and he eats it.
Oh! Oh, man!
Isadora couldn't do anything.
She just puked all over the floor.
And he walks over, and he starts eating her puke!
[coughing]
[laughter]
I can't laugh.
Come on! We laughed our butts off, and we're nuns.
[coughs]
Oh, my gosh, are you okay?
No, I can't laugh. It's my lungs and the hiking.
[coughs]
You okay?
Yeah.
[footsteps]
Are you monsters?
Yeah, we're monsters.
[hisses]
BILL: Joan Marie Peacock-Lunsford.
I sure could use some company in this bathtub.
Mr. Green and I are gonna get real lonely without you.
Okay, just a second before I forget.
BILL: Calgon, take me away!
♪
Um, so, there's, um, this, a little green box
in, in our bathroom.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
No.
You sure?
TRICIA: Okay.
Oh.
Nice.
TRICIA: How about this one?
WOMAN: I think this one is just so pretty.
It looks great on you.
Yeah? The neckline's pretty.
I don't know.
Oh, uh, maybe a little too short.
Let's put the first one back on. That one looked great!
I'm gonna try it on. Be right back.
TRICIA: Help?
Hi, there.
Want some help with the zipper?
It's stuck on a flower.
Colleen, do you believe in God?
Mm-hmm.
When I was little girl,
I used to watch out the back of my trailer every night
and look at the cars turn their lights off.
And then I would say, "Good night, cars,"
like everything in the world had a heart and a soul.
But that isn't true, is it?
I've been trying so hard to be happy.
Everybody's had such a bad time.
But I don't want to be on TV.
Tricia, I...
I'm stuck here, and I don't know what to do.
[horns honking]
♪
[laughs softly]
♪
Mother, you have a phone call.
Who is it?
I'll give you three guesses.
I'm just not quite ready to come back yet.
Well, I just wish you would've told me sooner.
Adelaide and Bernadette are supposed to take some orphans
to Six Flags tomorrow.
I know. I'm sorry.
Just a couple more days.
JACOB: I hate this.
COLLEEN: Hey! What's the matter? Chicken?
JACOB: Fried chicken?
Give me your hands.
Why?
Jeez Louise, just give me your hands.
Are we praying?
Something like that.
See, this isn't so bad.
People are looking.
Let them look.
You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Yes, ma'am?
Do you guys sell yarn?
Um, yes, aisle four.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Aren't you the young man I read about in the newspaper,
the one burnt in the war?
Uh, yeah, that's me.
Son, I want you to know
everyone here thinks of you as a real hero,
and I just, I just think it's a shame
you boys were wasted on this stupid war.
So many wasted young lives.
Bet you thank your lucky stars for Obama.
MAN ON TV: Wave of murder which is sweeping
the eastern third of the nation is being committed by creatures
who feast upon the flesh of their victims.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Mm-hmm.
When the bomb went off in Iraq,
did you think you were gonna die?
Yeah, I knew I was going to die.
What was it like?
You know how they say
that everything flashes before your eyes?
Yeah, that doesn't happen.
But, I was, like,
suddenly totally okay with my entire life,
and I sort of thought, "I guess that's it,"
but there's no regrets or anything.
You know who would like to hear that story, I bet?
Millions of Americans.
Oh, Mom told you about CNN?
Uh-huh.
I don't want to be anybody's hero, Colleen.
But, you kind of are.
It's such a joke.
I didn't die. That doesn't make me special.
I just feel like a freak
and a loser.
Welcome to the club.
[telephone rings]
[ring]
[hangs up telephone]
You guys going to watch the debates tonight?
Probably not.
Sweet potato, you of all people.
Mom.
Why don't we just rent a movie or something?
I'll see you later, sister.
I'll be there in a minute, brother.
[door opens and closes]
Just can't seem to do anything right.
Well, it's tough, Mom.
[turns off TV]
JOANI: Don't you care about the issues?
[drumming in other room]
Do you ever think about anything bigger than yourself?
[drumming]
Um, seriously?
That's not what I meant.
What did you mean?
Your dad and I love you both so much.
And, sweet pea, I know you took our pot.
And it's totally cool.
You're young. You want to experiment.
We understand. This is a natural part of life.
And you know what? Dad and I are happy to share.
What's ours is yours.
I flushed your drugs, Mom.
Excuse me?
Don't you think you're taking enough drugs already?
What did I do?
Do you really want me to answer that?
Yes, yes, I do.
You're gonna have to put the knife away.
[drumming]
[drops knife]
I must be a terrible disappointment to you,
but that's the way it is, isn't it?
And you know what? That's life.
I'm a disappointment to you,
and you are a disappointment to me.
I just wish you'd grow up a little
and get over it already.
[drumming quickens]
Really, Mom?
Maybe you'd understand if you stuck around
and dealt with your problems for once in your life.
Mother...
I will try to correct myself with the grace of God.
[drumming]
[slam]
[whirring]
[doorbell rings]
[hisses]
Oh, hey, Colleen.
Hey, sorry I didn't call.
Yeah, no, please, don't worry about it.
Remember this guy?
Hey, Emily.
Oh, hey, Jacob.
♪ Happy Anniversary to you ♪
♪ Happy Anniversary, David and Terri ♪
♪ Happy Anniversary to you ♪
Thank you so much!
Terri and I would never have been able to sustain
so many wonderful years of marriage
if it weren't for our spectacular friends!
Seriously, y'all.
You've let our funky little family into your hearts,
and that has made all the difference.
Now, let's party!
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
Really?
We're jealous of you.
No, don't be.
Adoption really was the best thing that ever happened to us.
And really, no parent knows what they're going to get.
Even if they're not your real children,
you really see yourself in them as they get older.
And when they were younger,
they were always at each other's throats,
but now, now they're like two peas in a pod.
They are so smart, and they are so sweet.
And Troy, he loves his little sister so much.
And we, we are truly lucky.
Mm-hmm.
And it seems like yesterday they were little puppies
chasing squirrels in the backyard.
Yeah.
That's so great, you two.
So, how's Chiclet?
Chiclet!
Chiclet...is wonderful.
BARACK OBAMA: We cannot allow Iran to get a nuclear weapon.
Not only would it threaten Israel,
our strongest ally in the region
and one of our strongest allies in the world,
but it would also create a possibility
of nuclear weapons falling into the hands of terrorists.
♪
It's a nurse.
JOANI: Do you like it?
I thought you said you wanted to be a doctor
when you grew up.
Then what do you want to be?
I don't know.
JOANI: A scientist?
No.
JOANI: An artist?
You can be anything you want to be, sweet pea.
COLLEEN: Okay, well, in honor
of this three-year high-school reunion,
I vote that we play truth or dare!
Uh, or not.
Come on, brother.
I'll play!
Okay.
I choose truth.
Hmm.
What's the worst thing you know about your parents?
Both of them?
Either one.
Oh. Oh, jeez...
Do I tell this story?
Yes, tell it!
Tell it.
Okay, okay, but you have to chug a beer with me,
both of you.
Double dare.
Wow.
That's my very first beer.
Your first beer.
I mean, it is Heineken, so it's barely beer.
[laughs]
Okay.
Yes!
[opens bottle]
Milady.
[opens bottle]
Sir. Let's do it.
Well, no, wait. Hold on. First...
Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it.
But first you have to tell the story first.
That's the deal.
What? Yikes! Uh!
Okay!
Okay, so, you guys remember AskJeeves.com, the website?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, when I was 12,
I wanted to look up something on the Internet,
and I had to go upstairs to my parents' bedroom,
and my dad had stayed logged in to his account,
and so I go on to AskJeeves, and I'm typing my question,
and, like, when you type your question,
then the last five things that you've asked it come up,
and apparently, my dad had asked it,
"Where, near Asheville, North Carolina,
can I find a BBW prostitute?"
Whew!
What's BBW?
It is big, beautiful women.
He asked Jeeves that?
[laughing]
To parents!
To parents.
COLLEEN: Okay, first is the candidacy.
No, wait. Hold on. No, wait.
First it's the applicancy, and then,
and then it's the candidatcy--candidacy.
Um, and then the novitiate.
I'm the novitiate. That's me.
But then you do permanent. First, no, hold on.
The temporary vows, and then it is the final vows,
and then you are a nun forever and ever.
Did I get it?
Oh, my god.
Ooh, you are wasted.
How many of those have I had?
Two and a half.
[vomiting]
Last one. You wanna split it?
Sure.
Is your mom doing okay?
Mmm, who knows?
Not really.
She was acting happy for a little while,
but it's tough.
Jeez, yeah.
If my kid ran away after I tried to off myself...
Sorry.
No, it's okay.
[coughs]
Can you see anything behind those things?
Barely, but yeah.
Why don't you take them off? It's nighttime, anyway.
Yeah, I'd rather not.
I dare you to take them off.
You don't wanna see it. It's not...
Maybe I do.
Look, your spit has touched my mouth.
Mm-hmm.
I think we know each other well enough, huh?
That's true, yeah. I can't.
In high school, I wanted to make out with you so hard.
♪
[ding]
♪
DAVID: Now, this little number we're very, very happy with.
It's mellow but lasts longer. Perfect for the over-40 crowd.
And, uh, do you have anything a little stronger?
That...would be these guys.
Oh.
Terri's little babies.
Mushrooms covered in Mexican chocolate.
They'll really take you south of the border.
BILL: Lover, you ready?
Yeah, yeah, just a second. I'll meet you at the car, honey.
I threw up!
♪
Hello?
Guys?
Do you want to roast some pumpkin seeds?
♪
Hello?
♪
Guys?
♪
[knock on door]
Um...
I made a salad for lunch.
Do you want some?
Yeah, that'd be nice.
When do you have to go back? Tomorrow?
Um, I was thinking about leaving today actually.
Oh.
Do you think you could stay maybe one more night?
I have a fun idea.
How fun?
Fun.
Sister Joan of Arc, I try to make it a habit
to raise my voice only when necessary,
and it is not often
that the occasion calls for me to raise my voice,
but you are trying my patience, and on top of that,
you are still in possession of my car,
a car which is needed up here in New York,
in case you forgot.
[dial tone]
[siren]
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
She hung up.
BILL: And one, two, three, four. Uh-huh.
[drumming]
Uh-huh. That's it.
Okay, come on. Oh, yes!
Oh, yes. Here we go.
And one, two, three, four!
Happy family Halloween party!
Whoo!
♪
Thank you.
♪
Awesome.
♪
Bring our family together
for this festive Halloween night,
and for...for this food that we are about to receive.
Amen.
Let's eat.
♪
This is awesome,
awesomely done, I just want to say.
♪
[hisses]
♪
Good.
♪
[muffled voices]
Just touch it.
♪
[music playing over dialogue]
♪
Colleen!
Ah ha ha!
[screaming]
♪
Sweet pea.
Everybody having a good time?
Anyone else for seconds?
Um, sweet pea?
It's her last night. Let her indulge.
You wanna split one?
Sure!
BILL: Don't mind if I do.
Mom, how much wine did you put in that pasta?
Oh, not a lot.
I am such a lightweight.
JACOB: Wait, doesn't the heat cook out all the alcohol?
TRICIA: Yeah, you're right. My fingers are a little tingly.
JACOB: What did you put in the cupcakes, Mom?
Mom?
Colleen, it's your last night.
I just wanted us to all relax and have fun, you know,
like a family.
Why would you...
What is wrong with you?
[door slams]
[sniffs]
[knocking on door]
Sweet pea!
[jiggling doorknob]
Sweet pea, please open up!
Colleen Noel Lunsford, this isn't funny!
[turns up music]
♪
[music stops]
You knew about the key under the gargoyle?
JOANI: I always knew about the gargoyle key.
So, is it okay if I sit down?
Fine.
Am I a bad mom?
That's not a fair question.
Was I a bad mom?
I guess it's not your fault.
It was just a lot.
First Jacob, then you.
I just, I just needed...
structure.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
Do you like being a nun?
Yeah, I do.
Do you ever wish you could have a boyfriend?
Girlfriend?
I don't think I'll ever want to do that with anyone.
Hmm. When you were growing up, your dad and I used to think
you'd become a lesbian Satanist.
Sometimes I think you're sad I'm not.
Colleen, when I was your age,
I thought having a kid would make me an adult,
that it was going to give me some kind of purpose,
some sense of direction,
but, um, it didn't, not really.
And neither did having another one.
And, um, I got older,
and there was more and more responsibility,
and then that just never went away,
and it got harder and harder, and...
and, um...
I found myself becoming very sad.
And when I was at my saddest,
I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up,
just sleep.
And that didn't happen either.
No matter how hard I tried,
I just kept waking up and waking up and waking up.
And then I tried something different.
I didn't get that moment, Colleen,
where everything was just suddenly okay.
I don't think those moments exist.
I think all you can do is keep trying
and hope that somehow trying can be good enough.
[sniffs]
It's good to talk, right?
Can we be friends?
Yeah, Mom, we can be friends.
Is it always this fun to be stoned?
MAN ON TV: You're expecting a mere handsaw
and a covered wooden casket?
Oh, no. That's the old-fashioned way
of sawing people in half.
Today, magicians are mechanized tools,
and nothing will be concealed from your view!
[whirring]
[screaming]
Ew!
Oh, this isn't scary. It's just horrible.
Aah!
[laughs]
They're coming to get you, Barbara!
Stop it.
[knocking]
Shh!
[knocking on door]
What do we do?
JACOB: Answer it.
What if it's the cops?
JACOB: How could it possibly be the cops?
TRICIA: How could it possibly not be the cops?
If it's not the cops, then who is it?
[knocking on door]
JACOB: Okay, rock-paper-scissors for who answers the door.
One, two, three.
[drumming]
Ah! Jacob!
Mom, Dad, wake up!
Animal Liberations has taken Jacob!
[drumming]
Close the door!
[drumming]
I'll get my keys.
Come on!
Oh, my gosh, Tricia. I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
None of this would have happened if I--
I shouldn't have come home.
Honk at them!
[honking horn]
Honk louder!
I can't drive and honk at the same time!
Hurry up! They're getting away!
Oh, god! What do you think they're gonna do to him?
I'm trying! I'm trying!
I didn't want him to go away. I'm sorry for everything
I've ever said or done that's bad ever.
Tricia, it's okay.
Everybody in the whole world thinks bad things sometimes.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, no. That is not good.
What?
Uh, nothing.
[slow-motion clucking]
WEIRD VOICE: Some people need to be terrorized sometimes.
Watch out! Watch out!
TRICIA: Watch out!
[screaming]
LITTLE COLLEEN: "Oh, Sally, you left me down the stairs.
I'm coming up them!"
And then a few hours later, the doll said again,
"Sally, I'm in your room!"
Sally got really, really scared.
She pulled the covers up
and, and put a pillow on her face.
Then, then the doll said again,
"Oh, Sally, I'm right next to you!"
Then the light turned on suddenly,
and she saw the doll, and the doll killed her,
and every single time the doll kills a person,
she puts up one finger,
and if she runs out of fingers, she grows more.
And no one knows where the doll is now.
[distant whooping]
Tricia.
Yeah, Colleen?
Are you alive?
I think so.
Let's get out of the car.
Okay.
MEN: Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
[cheering]
CHIP: Shoot, dog, we missed your ass!
BERNIE: Didn't mean to snatch you up like that
but F-U-N doesn't take N-O for an answer!
Whoo!
CHIP: And we got you a little welcome back surprise, soldier!
Whoo!
There we go!
♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
Welcome home, Sergeant Lunsford!
Whoo!
♪
MAN: Yeah, baby, shake that.
♪
Jacob!
[men cheering]
No!
Jacob!
No, Jacob!
Are you okay?
What?
Jacob?
Call an ambulance! He can't breathe!
[beeping]
Thanks.
Sure thing, sugar pie.
Can I ask you a weird question?
Ask away, angel.
Do your parents know what you do?
Sure do.
Can't say they're happy about it, but...
we all gotta pay our bills, right?
Yeah.
Plus, I know they can't talk, anyway.
We're all screw-ups.
I guess that's why we love each other.
DOCTOR: He's in stable condition.
He's going to be okay,
but we'll need to keep him for a week or so
to monitor him.
Thank you so much. We really appreciate it.
He's a real hero for pulling through this one.
We'll be sure to tell him you said that.
Thanks.
[kiss]
Okay, we'll take it from here. Thank you so much.
All right.
Bless y'all.
Call me if you need anything?
Okay.
All good.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's gonna be okay, sweet pea.
I'm gonna miss you guys a lot.
You can come visit us anytime.
You, too.
♪
OBAMA: It's been a long time coming,
but tonight, because of what we did on this day,
in this election, at this defining moment,
change has come to America!
[applause]
What do you ask of this community?
I ask to be a fully incorporated member.
God of mercy and compassion,
I celebrate your faithfulness and love for me,
and I praise your name.
In thanksgiving for this gift of my vocation,
I vow to live a life of poverty, chastity, and obedience,
and to persevere in this community until death.
[typing]
[click]
♪
PRIEST: Lord, bless these rings which we bless in your name.
Grant that those who wear them
may always have a deep faith in each other.
May they do your will and always live together
in peace, goodwill, and love.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord.
With this ring,
I make you my wife.
And with this ring, I make you my husband.
♪
All right!
[cheering]
[applause]
♪ It's such a cold world ♪
♪
♪ It's such a cold world ♪
♪
♪ The words that you say ♪
♪ Aren't just a game that you play ♪
♪ Your choice ♪
♪ is sincere ♪
♪ But the feelings you show ♪
♪ Make no difference at all ♪
♪ To those ♪
♪ You call the creatures ♪
♪ Eye to eye, face to face ♪
♪ lips to lips and tongue to tongue ♪
♪ Eye to eye, face to face ♪
♪ lips to lips and tongue to tongue ♪
♪ It's such a cold world ♪
♪
♪ It's such a cold world ♪
♪
♪ You call it the communism ♪
♪ Call it the communism ♪
♪ Call it the communism of love ♪
♪
♪ You call it the communism ♪
♪ Call it the communism ♪
♪ Call it the communism of love ♪
♪
♪ You call it the communism ♪
♪ Call it the communism ♪
♪ Call it the communism of love ♪
♪
♪ Call it ♪
♪
[birds chirping]