[serene tone]
[bright music]
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
- [gasps] - Oh, my God!
You know what?
I'm actually so excited college is over.
- Me too. - You know what I mean?
I'm ready to enter, like,
an easier part of my life. - Yeah.
- [squeals] - Uh, hi.
We're picking up our drink tickets
under Elliott Goss and Portia Davenport.
- We graduated. [laughs]
We're graduates. - I'm not seeing your name.
Elliott Goss, right?
- Okay, that's weird you don't have my name.
Um, School of Poli-Sci?
- Yeah, no. - No.
- You always have the weirdest luck with this stuff.
- You know what? Just give me the tickets.
It doesn't matter anyway. - Portia!
- [gasps] - Hi!
We nabbed a table and got you guys beers.
- You guys! Oh, my God!
- Guys, we graduated!
- [laughs]
- We're, like, officially adults now.
- Don't say that, Drewski. I don't wanna be an adult.
I just wanna be, like, a baby in a womb.
[laughter] - Oh, sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.
- Yeah. - I have to admit.
Um, I'm weirdly feeling very hopeful.
- Hmm. - You are?
Make me feel like that. - Come on, look at us.
I mean, Portia, you're such an amazing actress.
- Aww. - Stop!
- It's so true. both: It's true.
- When you walk on to the stage, like,
you just radiate this unique light.
- Aww. - And Elliott--
- Don't. [laughter]
- You're so smart, and you read people so well.
You just understand them, you know?
There's no way that you're not gonna be influential.
- Okay, Dory, I'm gonna cry. Stop it!
- And Drew... - Yes?
- You're just-- you're so sensitive
but grounded, you know?
I feel like people in the business world
are just gonna have to make way for you
because you're gonna be the biggest-hearted human being
Wall Street has ever seen.
- I love you. - I love you too.
- Oh! - Cute!
- I just wanna say that I think
we're gonna do and make
really beautiful things,
and have amazing lives, and you're my family.
- Aww!
- To our family and to our amazing lives!
all: To our family and our amazing lives!
[all cheer]
[Purity Ring's "Obedear"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Oh, but dear, the sky is low, watch ♪
♪ Fluent seamen rig their rudders so they'll... ♪
[bell dings]
[lock clicks]
- Bon appétit, mademoiselle.
I threw an extra nugget in today!
It was the last one in the bag.
I mean, why not? [chuckles]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
[bell ding]
- [muffled screaming] Can anybody hear me?
[screams]
Help!
Help me!
Hello?
Can anybody hear me?
[muffled screaming] Help me!
Can anybody hear me?
[screaming]
- ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪ - [screams]
- ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪ - [whimpers]
[children whooping]
- Yeah! Whoo!
[dramatic music playing]
- [grunts]
[laughs] - [groans]
- [grunts]
♪ ♪
[grunts] all: Oh!
- Hey, hey, hey! - Ha-ha!
Too slow this time, Prince Grisly!
I'll win the heart of the beautiful maiden yet.
Who could love an unsightly animal like you?
[laughs menacingly] - Ahh!
- Get him, Prince Grisly! Yeah!
Get him!
- [grunting] - Ahh!
- Damn it, Gustave. Falling is for amateurs.
But you--you, man-- you were amazing!
Best Prince Grisly we've ever had.
You nailed it, bro!
- [panting] Thanks, man.
I love it! I love it so much!
I mean, did you see those kids?
They're just, like, laughing and smiling.
I could do this for the rest of my goddamn life.
- Holy shit. Are you okay, Andrew?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm just-- I'm hot from the hat.
- But shouldn't you be used to heat, though?
Didn't you say you're from South Africa?
- Yes, I am. Yeah, I am from South Africa.
- You know what's funny, dude?
Sometimes I can hear the accent in you,
but I really gotta stretch my ears for it, you know?
[urinal flushes] - Yeah, yeah.
Actually, a lot of people say that.
It's, uh--
it's because my parents were American diplomats,
so I just sort of inherited their accent.
- That's kind of cool, though. [grunts]
It makes you cut from
a different kind of cloth, you know?
- Nah. I'm one of y'all.
I belong here.
- Why did you do this to me?
We were friends.
We're friend-- we're your friends.
Ugh. Friends!
[softly] Why did you do this to me?
We were friends! Friends!
We were friends.
Friends. We were friends.
- Name?
- Hi. Uh, Portia Davenport.
- Yes, everyone's reading for Portia Davenport,
but what's your real name?
- No, I am the real Portia Davenport.
[all gasp]
- Oh, maybe I am missing one.
No, I don't have one.
- Hi. - Oh, gosh, hi!
- Hi there. - Portia Davenport.
Such a pleasure. Hi, Roger Carrots.
- Hi, Mr. Carrots, so nice to meet you.
- Greg Carrots--big fan. - Hi.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
I'm so sorry, you guys, for just,
like, barging in on you
like this, completely unannounced.
I just needed to talk to you
because it was brought to my attention
that you are using my name and my likeness
in your film, "Savage: The Dory Sief Story."
- Portia, before we get too far into that--actually,
this is perfect timing. - [clears throat]
- Uh, Portia this is our lawyer, Hugh Sneezer.
- Hi, Mr. Sneezer, so nice to-- - Hello, Ms. Davenport.
Put your hand away.
Let me just get straight to the point.
As a public figure in a very public trial,
you have hardly any ground to fight us on our right
to portray you in any light that we favor.
And with all due respect,
if you're interested in pursuing legal action,
I guarantee you it will be
an enormous waste of time and money.
Do we have an understanding?
- I was actually just hoping I could audition.
- Oh, audition. - Yeah.
I just really think I could nail this part.
It would be such an honor
if I could prove myself to you as Portia.
- Well, this has been an incredible waste of my time.
I'll see you both in court. - All right, bye.
See you, Hugh. - Bye, Hugh.
- Wow.
I mean, what makes you wanna play yourself?
- I think it would actually be very healing.
I could kind of get some closure, you know,
really own it, take my power back.
You know what I mean?
I think there's a lot of dignity in that.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
I mean, that's interesting.
- Mm-hmm. - That's very interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um, of course,
you would not have to audition.
- Oh, okay. - No, we would have
to just talk amongst ourselves. - Sure, yeah.
- And then of course with the network, Streamer.
- Okay, well, thank you guys... - Great!
- So much for your time. - Thank you.
- Yes. - Great energy in this room,
by the way. - And you too--thank you.
- Thank you so much for coming in.
- Bye! - There she goes. [laughs]
[roars]
- Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Our planet is literally a ticking time bomb,
but the Republican Party
is too busy demonizing the disenfranchised
to even pretend to care. - Okay, I don't even know
what I'm looking at. - What?
- What even was that a video of?
- Charlie, that was a video
of one of the world's last
prime glaciers eroding.
- No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was.
- Our graphics department made that, sloppily.
That was the worst video of mayonnaise
being poured onto a plate I have ever seen.
[laughs]
And the gullibility of the left
is out of control. - Oh!
Okay, Charlie, a very famous scientist,
Eiricke Ludwig Hoggerman, took that video yesterday.
Honestly, girl, just read a book...
- Okay, yeah. - Once in your life.
- Hi. I know who Eiricke is.
He's a liar, just like you. - Oh, Charlie,
I'm actually really glad you called me a liar
because you're the biggest liar out there.
Your hair's a lie. - No, it's not.
- Your teeth are a lie. - No, it's not.
- Your ass is a lie.
- No, it's not. - It's all lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!
- No, it's not. - Oh, really?
You sure about that? Okay.
Because I've actually found some
very interesting pictures of you
from 2014 that I'm sure
our audience would love to see.
[laughing]
- Where did you get that? - Facebook.
- Where did you get that? - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! - [grunting]
[screaming] - Ahh!
[laughs] It's fake!
- No, it's not!
- Extensions!
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- [breathing heavily]
Come on, sunshine.
Time to get up.
- I don't feel well.
Why do you look like that?
- Like what?
Oh.
Well, this is my Aunt Lylah's house,
so when I go into town,
I have to dress in disguise as her.
- How old's your aunt?
- Like, 70.
- You think people think
you could be in your 70s?
- You know, you don't seem sick!
- It's my stomach.
I don't think I should be eating
the same thing for every meal.
It's making me sick. - Consistency is good for you.
Olympians eat the same thing every day.
Anyway...
I came down here because I wanted to show you
something that I'm really excited to show you.
[unsettling music]
♪ ♪
- You made these? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, they're actually really good.
♪ ♪
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God. [breathes shakily]
♪ ♪
[whimpers]
I'm so happy to see these. I love them!
- No! - [gasps]
- No! Dory, you don't love them.
You hate them!
Dory,
I made these so that you could work through
your trauma with them.
So look at Drew.
Look at him and tell him
you hate what he did to you!
[solemn music]
♪ ♪
- Hi, Drew. - Hi, Dory.
- It's so good to see you.
I've missed you so much.
- I missed you too. I'm so glad you're okay.
- [sniffles] - Yeah.
- [whimpers softly, sniffles]
- [whispers] It's okay.
- No! No!
Dory!
You are never going to get better
if you're not willing to put in the work!
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing's wrong with me.
I have an extremely high IQ.
I have a PhD in psychology, an MFA in visual art,
and a doctorate in behavioral health,
which should be proof enough that I am perfectly capable
of functioning in society.
If anything's wrong with me...
yeah, I guess, maybe I was given
a few too many options growing up.
Okay? Because that's pressure!
That's the pressure of true privilege.
- No. That's not it, though.
[sniffles]
You're...psychotic.
- I'm not a freak! - I didn't call you a freak.
- You called me a freak,
and I'm not a freak!
[ominous music]
- Well, wait. Can't I keep them?
- No!
You're the freak!
- Good luck on your date, Phil.
Don't be ashamed of that dead tooth, okay?
[chuckles] - Elliott.
- Oh. [laughs]
- Can Tina and I have your ear
for a minute? - Of course.
- Let's cut to the chase, Elliott.
You're smart.
People like you.
There's something there.
We just haven't quite hooked into it yet,
and I think what's perhaps not working is,
no one really wants to see Blue State.
- Huh. - Believe it or not,
our viewers are just not interested
in your political perspective.
- I'll--I'll suck your dick.
- Oh. No, no.
Thank you, though.
That's a solution to a different problem.
Tina had an idea I think might benefit us.
Tina? - So I was thinking,
what if Elliott Goss switched party lines,
had a little change of heart,
and came to see things our way--the right way?
- Wait, wait, wait.
So--so are you telling me that you want me
to just become fully conservative?
- Two smart conservatives
ranting about the liberal politics--
we'd call it "Right is Right."
- Kay, wow.
I guess I just need you guys to understand
that what you're asking me to do
is quite frankly unholy,
and I'm honestly a little offended
that you think I would just abandon my values
so flippantly like that.
So... - We understand that.
- Mm-hmm. - And if you'd like to pursue
an anchor position at another reputable network,
we understand that as well.
It just might be a little difficult
for a lying piece of trash personality
such as yourself.
I fear you may find your options
are a little limited.
Up to you.
- [laughs]
Okay, excuse me.
I'll need a 40% raise, a permanent hotel room
at Columbus Circle, childcare, and no one is allowed
to ask questions about that, and a zip line
from my family's trailer to their town's post office.
- Done and done.
- Thank you guys so much. [chuckles]
- [groaning]
[dramatic music]
[moans]
♪ ♪
[screams] [groans]
[screams]
[groans]
Ahh!
♪ ♪
[screaming]
- Dory? - [groans]
- Have you formed your apology yet?
I'm open...
[sniffs] To hearing it.
- [sniffs]
Oh, my God.
I shat myself.
- Oh!
Oh! - Oh, God.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not good with that kind of thing.
- [groans] I'm sorry!
- [groans] This is far too icky!
Uh, we'll just have to get you cleaned up,
and, um, I'm gonna have to take you upstairs!
Oh, my God!
Now, if you try to run away,
I will break both of your legs.
Um--oh, God. Please turn around, okay?
Oh, you smell so bad. It stinks.
Okay, let's go.
We're going upstairs.
Okay, stop.
Turn. Turn around.
[keypad beeping] No.
Okay.
Up we go.
Turn, turn.
No, there's nothing to see. There's nothing to know about.
It's just a bunch of barbed wire.
Up past the snakes,
a bunch of snakes.
Okay, come on in.
We're in the bathroom now.
Almost home free. Keep stepping.
Okay, stop. We're at the tub.
Just gonna turn the water on for you.
[water running] Uh, okay.
Don't worry.
Um, a gentleman would never look
at his best friend's body.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Just, um, go ahead and step in.
Yep, it's one of the old claw-foot guys.
Okay, good.
- [breathes shakily] - We're set.
Just--ow! Jesus Christ!
Sorry.
That pipe's hot. Careful when you come out.
You'll wanna watch for that.
[sighs]
Did I ever tell you about that time
I met Princess Diana?
- No.
- I was five years old at boarding school,
up in the English countryside,
and the royals would pop in and out all the time, you know.
But she came one day,
and she was just taken with me.
And she sat me on her knee,
and she wanted to know all my thoughts
on her career, you know, but this was all very hushed.
And I looked at her,
and I said, "Diana.
You need to be taking risks."
You know, "I think you need to be willing
to put your life on the line."
- Wow!
That's--that's amazing! - Yeah!
You know, I said, "Make a statement, turn heads."
And lo and behold, two years later,
what is she doing?
[uneasy music]
She is standing in a field of land mines,
proudly defying death.
Mm.
And, um, I--I bring it up
because, um,
you remind me of her, Dory.
♪ ♪
I mean, you're so brave.
It's really, really admirable.
Okay, shower time over.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait! Chip, can I just shower
just a little bit longer?
Please? - Oh, gosh.
No, I don't think so, honey.
I don't want you to get too prune-y.
[water draining]
- That was nice. [chuckles]
I liked talking with you in the shower,
and I like feeling clean.
- Mm.
- Maybe we can do it again some time.
- Probably not. [snickers]
Oh, but hey.
If you do poop yourself again,
I'll just burn this whole house down.
- Okay, kids, it's time for me to put Ratty Raccoon
down for his afternoon nap.
Let's all sing him a song to help him get sleepy.
[children giggle] ♪ If you can sleep ♪
♪ Then you can dream, and if you can dream ♪
♪ That's when wishes come true ♪
[vocalizes]
[laughter]
Oh! [gasps]
It's Darby the cowgirl!
Gosh, I bet she's got some great American tales
from the Wild, Wild West.
[cheers and applause] Yeah!
Oh!
[laughs]
[banjo music plays]
[squeals]
Andrew, stop! - What?
- We could get in trouble. - God, I can't help it.
- You know what I'm in the mood for?
- For me to tell you what I like about you?
- Mm-hmm. [laughs]
- Well, you're good-hearted.
You're positive. - Mm-hmm.
- You're happy, and you make me feel happy.
- [sighs] Can I tell you something?
- Of course.
- Last year, during Wish Week,
when it was my turn to put a star on the staff wall...
- Yeah?
- I wished for a tall white man
with sweet eyes to come and sweep me
off my feet, and then when you started working here,
I called my abuelita, and I told her,
"I think my wish is coming true."
- [laughs]
- Is your wish coming true?
- I think so.
You know, I came here once as a kid,
and it was, like, my favorite memory.
And the last couple years
haven't really been so easy for me.
So...
I don't know why it didn't occur to me
to come here sooner.
I mean, it is so joyful here!
- Yeah! - And, like, they play
amazing music all the time. - Yeah!
- And the food rocks!
[both laugh]
- I know.
- And all this time,
a beautiful princesa was waiting for me.
- [laughs]
- What more could a guy like me ask for?
- [laughs]
[cell phone buzzes, clicks]
- Hello? - Portia!
How are you? - I'm so good!
Thank you so much for asking. How are you?
- Good.
So we heard back
from the "Savage" producers...
- Okay.
- And we have interesting news.
- So they're a little concerned
about how awkward it might get
to note your performance as Portia
being that you're the real Portia.
- They wanna gauge your interest
in possibly playing the lead.
- The le--the lead? Who's the--what's the lead?
- Well, it's your friend, Dory.
- Wait. Sorry.
They want me to play Dory?
- They think it'll be exciting stunt casting!
- It's just--that's awesome.
I think--I do think I should check in with Dory about it,
if that's okay.
- Absolutely.
Well, let us know what she says,
and we'll get into it. - Okay.
- This is exciting! - It is!
Oh, my gosh, thank you, guys. Thank you so much.
Have such a great day.
[cell phone beeps]
[dramatic electronic music]
♪ ♪
- Come on! I just need something sharp!
♪ ♪
[grunting]
[growls]
♪ ♪
Come on, come on, come on!
- ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
- Hi, Dor! It's me.
Oh, my gosh, you are so cute in all your Europe pics.
I'm freaking out. I miss you so much.
Um, anyway, look, I'm calling to tell you
that I have some really exciting news!
I got a really big part!
It's this amazing complex role...of you.
It's you. The part is you.
And it's a big opportunity for me as an actor.
And it's--I'm calling to see how you feel about it,
and, you know, I am calling to ask your permission.
But it's more of just a formality.
I am doing it, regardless of what you think or say.
Anyway, kiss Paris for me! I love ya!
Okay. Bye!
Oh, my God. That was so stressful.
[sighs] - Mm.
- Ell, is it crazy for me to take this part?
- No. No, no, no.
I think it's so brave.
It's so badass,
and I'm proud to call you a friend.
- You're so sweet.
You're making me feel so much better.
Thank you. - Yeah.
I think it's, like, weirdly similar
to something I'm going through right now.
I think in becoming a Republican,
I'm actually, like, playing a part.
Just like you with Dory. I mean, you're playing a part.
Like, we're both playing parts in this weird way.
- Totally. - Yeah.
- I do think in your situation...
- Yeah? - I worry that people
might not know you're acting.
Do you know what I mean? Like, I think that they might
think you actually believe
the things that you're saying.
- Well, I could hurt you back and tell you that I actually
don't think you should do the movie, but I won't
because we're in our 30s now and we're supposed
to give up on helping each other and actually put up
more walls in the name of boundaries,
but you didn't do that. You're supposed to do that.
But you didn't do that. - Yeah, but, Ell, I just--
- I think there's an acoustic issue
because you're not hearing me.
Okay?
I support you.
You have to support me.
- Okay, I'm proud of you?
- Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you too.
[bell dings]
- He--
[gasps] [thudding at door]
Dory!
You ripped your home up?
I spent a lot of time making this for you!
Oh, D--the table!
The couch! - I'm sorry.
I just-- [huffs]
I just needed to left off a little steam!
- Well, while you were letting off a little steam,
I was upstairs, slaving away on some new food for you!
So I hope this slight change in diet
doesn't upset your system.
[grumbling] Ooh!
You have put me through the wringer today, little girl.
I'm wiped out.
[uneasy music]
♪ ♪
- Hello. - Hi.
- Feeling good? - Mm-hmm.
- You've got this.
- I know.
- Quiet on set.
And three, two...
[rousing music]
- Good afternoon, I'm Elliott Goss,
and you're watching "Red State Blue State."
Now, you may notice that my gorgeous cohost,
Charlie Reenie, is not sitting next to me,
and that is because the network has generously given me
the stage to allow me to make a statement.
America, I owe you an apology.
Like many citizens today, I too have been brainwashed
by the liberal media, by the "arts and leisure elite,"
by socialist universities, and by the coasts.
I have been living
in a political fantasy,
but no longer.
I am now and forever
a staunchly conservative Republican.
I believe in traditional Christian family values,
speaking in English at all times,
and anaesthetizing the lower classes
with presidential fantasies of gold faucets
and beautiful women.
I love my beliefs, I love my country,
and I love my God.
End of story.
So, please, tune in next time
for "Right is Right,"
a new program where Charlie Reenie
and yours truly will agree on matters
pertaining to the "right" side of history.
Thank you.
And in place of tonight's show, please enjoy
this black-and-white footage of World War II airplanes.
- And we're out.
[bell rings]
- So great.
How do you feel?
- I feel...
genuinely fine.
[both laugh]
Whoo! [laughs]
- Great.
- Huh.
Oh, God.
[both chuckle]
- [munching noisily, humming]
[tooth cracks] Ah.
Ow.
[moans] Ow.
[inhales sharply]
Ah.
[exhales sharply]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[laughs]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Mm, mm ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Mm, mm ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Your boyfriend, he's no good ♪
♪ In the dark ♪
♪ I've got you in that way ♪
♪ You were making it hard ♪
♪ ♪
- [coughs]