1 00:00:00,016 --> 00:00:01,203 Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:01,227 --> 00:00:02,760 - Arthur? - Yeah? 3 00:00:02,762 --> 00:00:06,031 I may have just invented a new taste sensation. 4 00:00:06,056 --> 00:00:06,993 Yeah, what is it, Tush? 5 00:00:07,063 --> 00:00:09,915 I take a donut hole, I put a little coffee in the middle, 6 00:00:09,940 --> 00:00:12,729 I call it the Tush-hole. 7 00:00:14,096 --> 00:00:16,531 - I don't think that's a good idea... - No, shh, shh. Let's just enjoy this. 8 00:00:16,556 --> 00:00:17,775 Yes? 9 00:00:17,777 --> 00:00:19,777 It doesn't have to be coffee, of course. 10 00:00:19,779 --> 00:00:22,313 You could put anything in your Tush-hole. 11 00:00:23,415 --> 00:00:25,016 Hey, that could be our ad campaign. 12 00:00:25,018 --> 00:00:27,719 "What do you like in your Tush-hole" 13 00:00:28,551 --> 00:00:30,755 Oop, I just heard it. Never mind. 14 00:00:36,763 --> 00:00:37,662 Fawz, what's going on? 15 00:00:37,664 --> 00:00:39,397 My dry cleaners was robbed! 16 00:00:39,399 --> 00:00:40,798 - No! - Are you okay? 17 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,267 Those bastards took everything! 18 00:00:42,269 --> 00:00:44,235 My computers, my chemicals, 19 00:00:44,237 --> 00:00:47,272 my hangers that say, "We Don't Use Chemicals." 20 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,041 Cop, girl cop, come and help. 21 00:00:50,043 --> 00:00:51,543 Uh, girl cop's not going anywhere 22 00:00:51,545 --> 00:00:53,478 till she's had her coffee. 23 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,947 In the last 24 hours, we've had six break-ins, 24 00:00:55,949 --> 00:00:59,217 two muggings and one public urinator. 25 00:00:59,219 --> 00:01:02,187 I really had to go. 26 00:01:02,189 --> 00:01:05,256 Did I really have to watch? 27 00:01:05,258 --> 00:01:07,158 Uh, the coffee's still brewing. 28 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:08,660 All right, it'll be a few more minutes. 29 00:01:08,662 --> 00:01:09,994 Fine. I'll be next door. 30 00:01:09,996 --> 00:01:12,174 I have to give the insurance company my wish list. 31 00:01:12,199 --> 00:01:16,100 I mean, the list of things that were stolen. 32 00:01:16,102 --> 00:01:18,155 This crime wave is hitting close to home, ain't it? 33 00:01:18,187 --> 00:01:19,726 Yeah, what's been happening here? 34 00:01:19,751 --> 00:01:21,906 I thought this neighborhood was supposed to be getting nicer. 35 00:01:21,908 --> 00:01:25,009 Well, a spike in crime is often a byproduct of gentrification. 36 00:01:25,011 --> 00:01:29,013 As Biggie Smalls once said, "More Money, More Problems." 37 00:01:29,015 --> 00:01:32,150 It's actually "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." 38 00:01:32,704 --> 00:01:34,931 I'm not comfortable saying it that way. 39 00:01:36,522 --> 00:01:38,389 Yeah, the crime wave's gotten so bad, 40 00:01:38,391 --> 00:01:40,491 the department's bringing in reinforcements to help out. 41 00:01:40,493 --> 00:01:42,060 Yay, great. More cops. 42 00:01:42,062 --> 00:01:43,161 You know what that means: 43 00:01:43,163 --> 00:01:45,997 - more pat downs. - More business. 44 00:01:45,999 --> 00:01:49,500 All this crime, guess it's time to bring out my bus face. 45 00:01:49,502 --> 00:01:52,203 Did you say "bus face"? 46 00:01:52,205 --> 00:01:54,672 Yeah, it's this face I use on public transportation 47 00:01:54,674 --> 00:01:56,274 so people don't mess with me. 48 00:01:56,276 --> 00:01:57,475 Let's see it. 49 00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:02,413 Oh, that's so cute. 50 00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:03,581 Adorable. 51 00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:05,583 Like a constipated Disney princess. 52 00:02:07,932 --> 00:02:10,588 Maya, that face might work out in the suburbs, 53 00:02:10,590 --> 00:02:12,190 but you're in Uptown now. 54 00:02:12,192 --> 00:02:14,525 If you want the creepos on the bus to leave you alone, 55 00:02:14,527 --> 00:02:16,527 act like a crazy person. 56 00:02:16,529 --> 00:02:17,962 Please don't show her how. 57 00:02:17,964 --> 00:02:19,268 Let me show you how. 58 00:02:20,467 --> 00:02:23,134 I invented a character I call Johnny Buggins. 59 00:02:23,136 --> 00:02:24,769 He has a voice like this. 60 00:02:24,771 --> 00:02:27,672 Oh, hello there, Mr. James. 61 00:02:27,674 --> 00:02:28,973 You have beautiful eyes. 62 00:02:28,975 --> 00:02:32,569 May I take one home and feed it to my robot? 63 00:02:35,547 --> 00:02:37,448 I hate Johnny Buggins. 64 00:02:37,450 --> 00:02:39,250 Works every time. 65 00:02:39,252 --> 00:02:41,786 What is taking you so long? 66 00:02:41,788 --> 00:02:44,289 You two are like Cagney and Lazy. 67 00:02:45,157 --> 00:02:46,641 Starsky and Not Much. 68 00:02:47,494 --> 00:02:49,027 Law & Order another donut. 69 00:02:49,029 --> 00:02:50,595 Okay, we get it! 70 00:02:50,597 --> 00:02:52,463 All right, just... We'll be right here. 71 00:02:52,465 --> 00:02:53,185 Forget the coffee. 72 00:02:53,210 --> 00:02:54,766 - Give me some beans. - Okay. 73 00:02:54,768 --> 00:02:56,267 What? 74 00:02:56,269 --> 00:02:58,803 - Sugar. - Oh, yeah. 75 00:02:58,805 --> 00:03:00,872 Mm-hmm. 76 00:03:00,874 --> 00:03:03,107 - Cream. - Damn. 77 00:03:05,611 --> 00:03:07,812 Come on, junior, let's roll. 78 00:03:07,814 --> 00:03:10,515 Oh! Just kicked in. 79 00:03:18,684 --> 00:03:20,525 - Yo, that club was so lit. - Right? 80 00:03:20,527 --> 00:03:21,553 That girl was so into me. 81 00:03:21,578 --> 00:03:22,788 Yeah, man, but look, next time, 82 00:03:22,873 --> 00:03:24,592 can you not introduce me as your butler? 83 00:03:25,694 --> 00:03:27,565 Let me check on the store real quick. 84 00:03:30,936 --> 00:03:32,370 Arthur? Is that you? 85 00:03:32,372 --> 00:03:34,138 Oh, geez! 86 00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:35,707 What the hell you guys doing out here? 87 00:03:35,709 --> 00:03:37,155 Well, I thought with everything going on, 88 00:03:37,210 --> 00:03:38,409 I would check on the store. 89 00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:39,538 It's 4:00 in the morning! 90 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,446 Well, yeah, Sweatpants and I, we just got back 91 00:03:41,448 --> 00:03:42,613 from this after-hours club. 92 00:03:42,615 --> 00:03:44,803 How do you dance in those tight pants? 93 00:03:44,828 --> 00:03:46,718 Oh, well, I'm more of a upper-body guy. 94 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:47,719 I see. 95 00:03:47,721 --> 00:03:49,253 - And I'm strictly lower body. - Yeah. 96 00:03:49,255 --> 00:03:51,556 Yeah. Well, an-anyway... 97 00:03:51,558 --> 00:03:52,990 - What? Oh, you want some? - Hmm? Hmm? 98 00:03:52,992 --> 00:03:54,559 Hey, hey! 99 00:03:54,561 --> 00:03:55,626 - Hey, guys! - Oh! 100 00:03:55,628 --> 00:03:57,363 - Huh? - I'm-a catch you later, man. 101 00:03:57,388 --> 00:03:58,763 - All right, man, be good. - All right, see you. 102 00:03:58,765 --> 00:04:00,765 - All right. - What are you doing out, huh? 103 00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:01,933 In your robe. 104 00:04:01,935 --> 00:04:03,167 On your way to a prizefight? 105 00:04:03,169 --> 00:04:04,202 No. 106 00:04:04,204 --> 00:04:06,003 I just go down the block to the paper box 107 00:04:06,005 --> 00:04:07,472 and pick up a Sun-Times. 108 00:04:07,474 --> 00:04:10,508 What? That's, like, four blocks away, man. 109 00:04:10,510 --> 00:04:12,610 Well, so what? I do it every morning. 110 00:04:12,612 --> 00:04:13,911 It's my routine. 111 00:04:13,913 --> 00:04:15,947 Arthur, you cannot be walking around this neighborhood 112 00:04:15,949 --> 00:04:18,182 at this hour, man. People get mugged. 113 00:04:18,184 --> 00:04:19,917 One time, I got robbed right over there. 114 00:04:19,919 --> 00:04:22,086 Yeah, I know, that's because you're a target. 115 00:04:22,088 --> 00:04:24,622 I mean, look at me, I got nothing to steal. 116 00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,325 Well, except for that coin purse. 117 00:04:27,327 --> 00:04:29,370 Oh, wait, that's not a coin purse! 118 00:04:38,829 --> 00:04:39,977 Says he does it every morning. 119 00:04:40,063 --> 00:04:42,328 All by himself, to the corner and back. 120 00:04:42,353 --> 00:04:44,186 That's a bad idea. Most crimes are committed 121 00:04:44,188 --> 00:04:45,446 between 2:00 and 6:00 in the morning. 122 00:04:45,471 --> 00:04:47,055 Yeah, and Arthur's an old man. 123 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,270 He shouldn't be out at 4:00 a.m. He should be in bed, 124 00:04:49,295 --> 00:04:52,282 having sex dreams about Angela Lansbury or somebody. 125 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,719 Well, he's been getting that paper forever. 126 00:04:55,721 --> 00:04:57,788 Good luck trying to get him to stop. 127 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:00,390 There we go. 128 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,360 Fawz, what the hell is that? 129 00:05:03,849 --> 00:05:06,730 Since I was robbed, I'm taking matters into my own hands. 130 00:05:06,732 --> 00:05:09,533 I will place him in the window to deter criminals. 131 00:05:09,535 --> 00:05:11,135 You've heard of a scarecrow? 132 00:05:11,137 --> 00:05:13,837 This is a scarecop. 133 00:05:14,572 --> 00:05:15,839 So, Fawz, let me guess, 134 00:05:15,841 --> 00:05:17,574 you got the black mannequin because it's scarier? 135 00:05:17,576 --> 00:05:19,046 No, because it was cheaper. 136 00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:23,547 Which is terrible. 137 00:05:23,549 --> 00:05:25,282 You really think that's gonna work? 138 00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,683 I have to do something. 139 00:05:26,685 --> 00:05:28,652 Sal's Florist Shop was robbed last night. 140 00:05:28,654 --> 00:05:30,220 Thank God no one was hurt. 141 00:05:30,222 --> 00:05:33,157 Oh, except for Sal, who was beaten severely. 142 00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:34,858 Old man Sal? 143 00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:37,394 He's been in this neighborhood just as long as Arthur has. 144 00:05:37,396 --> 00:05:39,730 He's in the hospital, but he's gonna be okay. 145 00:05:39,732 --> 00:05:44,101 Come on, let's go duct tape this donut to your hand. 146 00:05:44,103 --> 00:05:45,732 Make you more authentic. 147 00:05:47,745 --> 00:05:48,822 This is ridiculous, man. 148 00:05:48,847 --> 00:05:49,873 I got, I got to talk to him. 149 00:05:49,875 --> 00:05:51,575 - Yo, Arthur. - No. 150 00:05:51,577 --> 00:05:53,585 - You don't even know what I'm about to.. - I like my morning paper. 151 00:05:53,746 --> 00:05:55,379 - But why don't you get... - I don't want a subscription. 152 00:05:55,381 --> 00:05:56,446 Ha! I wasn't gonna say that. 153 00:05:56,448 --> 00:05:57,548 I was gonna say "prescription" 154 00:05:57,550 --> 00:05:58,782 but I knew that wasn't right. 155 00:05:58,784 --> 00:05:59,850 - Oh. - Come on, man. 156 00:05:59,852 --> 00:06:01,344 Everybody's getting hit. 157 00:06:01,369 --> 00:06:02,397 You heard about Sal, right? 158 00:06:02,422 --> 00:06:04,758 Yeah, yeah, and it was terrible, but he's not like me. 159 00:06:04,883 --> 00:06:06,456 Look, I love starting off my morning 160 00:06:06,458 --> 00:06:08,158 with a nice short walk outside. 161 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,793 I find it invigorating. 162 00:06:09,795 --> 00:06:12,236 Oh, come on, Arthur. I need you to be safe. 163 00:06:12,261 --> 00:06:14,017 I am safe! Look, 164 00:06:14,042 --> 00:06:16,977 I've taken over 15,000 trips to that newspaper box. 165 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,203 Nothing bad has ever happened to me. 166 00:06:19,228 --> 00:06:21,438 And no way I'm giving up my independence. 167 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:22,806 What are you talking about? 168 00:06:22,808 --> 00:06:24,041 Well, it's a slippery slope. 169 00:06:24,043 --> 00:06:25,609 One day, you give up your morning walk, 170 00:06:25,611 --> 00:06:27,644 the next day, you're taking my car keys from me. 171 00:06:27,646 --> 00:06:29,146 You don't even have a car. 172 00:06:29,148 --> 00:06:30,625 I'm glad you think that. 173 00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:39,864 Oh, Franco. 174 00:06:39,889 --> 00:06:41,191 Franco, why you calling me so early? 175 00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:42,926 'Cause I didn't want to scare you. 176 00:06:42,928 --> 00:06:44,995 Scare me? How could you scare me? 177 00:06:44,997 --> 00:06:46,688 By being inside your apartment. 178 00:06:48,149 --> 00:06:49,299 What the hell are you doing in here? 179 00:06:49,301 --> 00:06:50,734 Teaching you a lesson. 180 00:06:50,736 --> 00:06:53,432 You see, you think you're invincible, but you're not. 181 00:06:53,457 --> 00:06:54,830 Hey, how'd you get in? 182 00:06:54,855 --> 00:06:55,921 The better question is: 183 00:06:55,923 --> 00:06:57,723 out of all the many and easy ways to get in, 184 00:06:57,725 --> 00:06:59,057 which one did I choose? 185 00:06:59,059 --> 00:07:02,327 Did I use telekinesis to open the lock with my mind? 186 00:07:02,329 --> 00:07:05,297 No, he did not. 187 00:07:05,822 --> 00:07:08,024 It was I, Sweatpants, 188 00:07:09,782 --> 00:07:12,028 using the spare key you keep under your doormat. 189 00:07:12,053 --> 00:07:13,305 - Ah. - All right, Sweatpants, 190 00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:14,439 tell Arthur what you'd do to him. 191 00:07:14,441 --> 00:07:15,574 I don't know. 192 00:07:15,576 --> 00:07:17,776 Guess I'll probably tie you up to this chair, 193 00:07:17,778 --> 00:07:19,426 take all of your stuff, 194 00:07:19,551 --> 00:07:22,458 realize... you've seen my face. 195 00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:24,880 Place a lit cigarette in your hand 196 00:07:24,905 --> 00:07:27,252 and burn this place down so nobody knows I was here. 197 00:07:27,254 --> 00:07:28,286 Yeah. 198 00:07:28,288 --> 00:07:30,489 He just finished watching The Wire. 199 00:07:32,433 --> 00:07:35,027 Well, I guess I better get rid of this spare key. 200 00:07:35,029 --> 00:07:36,382 Good. Good, good, good. 201 00:07:36,407 --> 00:07:37,596 But that's not how I got in. 202 00:07:37,598 --> 00:07:39,831 Say I was an eager, young criminal, 203 00:07:39,833 --> 00:07:41,944 and I noticed that the fire escape 204 00:07:41,969 --> 00:07:43,468 leads me up to the second-story window, 205 00:07:43,470 --> 00:07:45,841 with a latch that appears to be busted. 206 00:07:46,037 --> 00:07:47,176 Oh, come on. 207 00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:48,895 Who'd want to do all that just to get in here? 208 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,180 Someone like me. 209 00:07:52,601 --> 00:07:54,212 Who would take a blanket, put it over your head, 210 00:07:54,214 --> 00:07:55,914 handcuff you to a radiator 211 00:07:55,916 --> 00:07:58,216 and crazy glue your butt cheeks together. 212 00:07:59,052 --> 00:08:00,750 Where you getting this stuff, man? 213 00:08:00,775 --> 00:08:03,388 Five older brothers, no adult supervision. 214 00:08:04,757 --> 00:08:06,379 So you got in through this window? 215 00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:07,359 No, I did not. 216 00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:09,061 I got in by jumping on top of the Dumpster 217 00:08:09,063 --> 00:08:11,496 in the alleyway and climbing through your bedroom window. 218 00:08:11,498 --> 00:08:12,964 Wait a minute. 219 00:08:12,966 --> 00:08:15,457 You can get in my bedroom window from the alley? 220 00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:17,102 Let's ask Sweatpants. Sweatpants! 221 00:08:19,450 --> 00:08:21,640 Was I supposed to come in through the bedroom? 222 00:08:21,642 --> 00:08:24,173 All right, all right, you made your point. Wow. 223 00:08:24,454 --> 00:08:26,546 Never thought I would be this vulnerable. 224 00:08:26,571 --> 00:08:28,213 Good. So you agree that I should take 225 00:08:28,215 --> 00:08:30,022 a few safety precautions around here? 226 00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:30,916 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you guys get... 227 00:08:30,918 --> 00:08:32,317 Just get the hell out of here, okay? 228 00:08:32,319 --> 00:08:35,487 All right, come on, Sweatpants, time to go. 229 00:08:35,512 --> 00:08:39,147 You know, I really expected more cats. 230 00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,279 Well, Johnny Buggins, 231 00:08:45,281 --> 00:08:46,714 that crazy act doesn't work. 232 00:08:46,716 --> 00:08:48,415 I tried it with some weirdo on the bus, 233 00:08:48,417 --> 00:08:49,914 and he invited me to spend the night 234 00:08:49,939 --> 00:08:51,914 in his abandoned dryer under the highway. 235 00:08:54,222 --> 00:08:55,355 All right, slow down. 236 00:08:55,357 --> 00:08:56,890 Show me your Buggins. 237 00:08:57,767 --> 00:08:59,468 Give me a freaking donut! 238 00:09:02,765 --> 00:09:04,098 It was so cute. 239 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,667 You're like a British Muppet. 240 00:09:06,669 --> 00:09:07,768 Damn it. 241 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:09,136 Yo, so I just got off the phone 242 00:09:09,138 --> 00:09:10,270 with a security company, 243 00:09:10,272 --> 00:09:11,682 and they can, uh, put bars in the windows 244 00:09:11,707 --> 00:09:13,841 and install some cameras all over the entrances. 245 00:09:13,843 --> 00:09:16,009 Is Arthur cool with all this surveillance? 246 00:09:16,011 --> 00:09:18,178 Yeah, he said I could take a few precautions. 247 00:09:18,203 --> 00:09:19,873 This is nothing. In my country, 248 00:09:19,898 --> 00:09:21,582 the secret police were everywhere. 249 00:09:21,584 --> 00:09:23,417 How did you know they were secret police? 250 00:09:23,419 --> 00:09:24,200 Good point. 251 00:09:24,225 --> 00:09:26,223 Maybe it was just a bunch of nosy people. 252 00:09:26,661 --> 00:09:28,630 Who abducted my grandfather! 253 00:09:29,859 --> 00:09:31,658 Well, the cameras will protect Arthur when he's here, 254 00:09:31,660 --> 00:09:33,020 but what about when he goes out at night? 255 00:09:33,045 --> 00:09:34,411 Oh, I'm way ahead of you. See, I was thinking 256 00:09:34,436 --> 00:09:35,964 we can all take turns watching over him. 257 00:09:35,989 --> 00:09:39,166 So, I bought this calendar at the drug store. 258 00:09:39,168 --> 00:09:40,601 Sexy firemen calendar? 259 00:09:40,603 --> 00:09:42,350 It was on sale! All right... 260 00:09:42,375 --> 00:09:44,451 Whoa, whoa, check out those pecs. 261 00:09:44,476 --> 00:09:47,674 Someone call 911, am I right? 262 00:09:47,676 --> 00:09:49,426 Can we focus on the schedule? Thank you. 263 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:50,711 All right, so I can do the morning shifts, 264 00:09:50,736 --> 00:09:52,253 but Arthur goes to the bank at night, 265 00:09:52,255 --> 00:09:53,973 so I need someone to volunteer to walk with him. 266 00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:55,717 I can do Mondays after school. 267 00:09:55,742 --> 00:09:57,151 - Okay. - I'm free Thursdays. 268 00:09:57,153 --> 00:09:58,152 Thursdays. 269 00:09:58,154 --> 00:09:59,827 How much time does he spend in the gym? 270 00:09:59,852 --> 00:10:02,554 I mean, that's like an eight-pack. 271 00:10:03,292 --> 00:10:06,121 Put me down for abs-days. I mean Wednesdays. 272 00:10:07,188 --> 00:10:09,738 Arthur, glad you're here, man. 273 00:10:09,763 --> 00:10:11,645 So, look, I had an idea, all right, 274 00:10:11,684 --> 00:10:13,340 um, that we'd all, you know, accompany you 275 00:10:13,365 --> 00:10:14,868 while you walked around the neighborhood. 276 00:10:14,870 --> 00:10:17,171 So you'll be babysitting me, huh? 277 00:10:17,173 --> 00:10:18,177 Nah, not at all. 278 00:10:18,179 --> 00:10:19,786 It's just friends looking after another friend. 279 00:10:19,811 --> 00:10:21,742 Look, look, I'm not a pathetic old man. 280 00:10:21,744 --> 00:10:24,346 You know, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. 281 00:10:24,371 --> 00:10:26,604 We talked about this, man. You need to be safe. 282 00:10:26,629 --> 00:10:28,409 I agree, which is why I bought this. 283 00:10:28,434 --> 00:10:29,967 Oh! 284 00:10:31,304 --> 00:10:33,038 We're going to be on the news! 285 00:10:38,112 --> 00:10:39,205 Where'd you get that? 286 00:10:39,307 --> 00:10:40,392 I went to a gun show. 287 00:10:40,417 --> 00:10:42,431 Man, do they hate Obama. 288 00:10:43,445 --> 00:10:45,298 We never talked about you getting a gun. 289 00:10:45,323 --> 00:10:46,884 Hey, come on, come on, you're the one that wanted me 290 00:10:46,909 --> 00:10:48,876 to be safe from all the criminals, right, huh? 291 00:10:48,947 --> 00:10:50,713 So now I got a gun, now I'm safe. 292 00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:52,815 Mind if I take a look at that? 293 00:10:52,817 --> 00:10:56,653 Looks like a Beretta 92FS, double-action, 294 00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:58,555 semiautomatic, nine-millimeter. 295 00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:01,858 15-round magazine. Yep. 296 00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:03,927 You're definitely gonna blow your head off. 297 00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:05,094 Thanks. 298 00:11:05,996 --> 00:11:07,463 How do you know so much about guns? 299 00:11:07,465 --> 00:11:09,201 I used to work in a liquor store. 300 00:11:11,607 --> 00:11:14,271 Wait until Jerry finds out that Arthur has a gun. 301 00:11:14,472 --> 00:11:15,705 Who's Jerry? 302 00:11:15,707 --> 00:11:17,740 My scarecop. 303 00:11:17,742 --> 00:11:19,909 I like to imagine his life before he met me. 304 00:11:19,911 --> 00:11:22,912 You know, he started out as a menswear mannequin, 305 00:11:22,914 --> 00:11:26,149 but became a cop because he wanted to make a difference. 306 00:11:26,151 --> 00:11:29,185 Now he's two weeks from retirement, and, uh... 307 00:11:29,187 --> 00:11:32,855 I have a lot of down time at the dry cleaners! 308 00:11:32,857 --> 00:11:35,525 Arthur, look, I'm just trying to protect you. 309 00:11:35,527 --> 00:11:37,272 So why do you want to take my gun away? 310 00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,362 Maybe because studies prove that a gun in the home 311 00:11:39,364 --> 00:11:42,098 poses a greater threat to family members than to intruders. 312 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,934 That's true, but in states where gun ownership goes up, 313 00:11:44,936 --> 00:11:46,369 violent crime goes down. 314 00:11:46,371 --> 00:11:49,038 - Yeah, but 86% of... - Who cares?! 315 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,107 Like, 100% of Arthur owns a gun right now, 316 00:11:51,109 --> 00:11:53,576 which makes me a million percent freaked out. 317 00:11:53,578 --> 00:11:56,079 But why? Now you're protected. 318 00:11:56,081 --> 00:11:58,081 If a bad guy comes into the shop, 319 00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:00,362 Arthur can just boom-boom, boom-boom! 320 00:12:02,386 --> 00:12:04,421 That's shooting, not dancing. 321 00:12:06,530 --> 00:12:07,724 Wait, do you own a gun? 322 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:09,359 Guns. 323 00:12:09,361 --> 00:12:12,028 And also no. 324 00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:14,230 - This is Chicago, okay? - Yeah, yeah. 325 00:12:14,232 --> 00:12:16,013 I knew a lot of guys who thought having a gun 326 00:12:16,038 --> 00:12:18,167 would make them feel safer, and it didn't. 327 00:12:18,169 --> 00:12:19,502 It just got them shot. 328 00:12:19,504 --> 00:12:21,771 Randy, James, we got a situation. 329 00:12:21,773 --> 00:12:23,573 Arthur bought a gun; you got to stop him. 330 00:12:23,575 --> 00:12:24,874 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 331 00:12:24,876 --> 00:12:26,776 Is it registered? You got a permit? 332 00:12:26,778 --> 00:12:27,668 Yes. 333 00:12:27,693 --> 00:12:29,535 Well, then I can't stop him. 334 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,615 And the way crime's been lately, it's not a half-bad idea. 335 00:12:32,617 --> 00:12:33,984 So you're just cool with this? 336 00:12:34,009 --> 00:12:36,753 Well, if he's a responsible gun owner, I'm fine. 337 00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:38,254 I don't know. As a police officer, 338 00:12:38,256 --> 00:12:39,589 I've seen way too many people 339 00:12:39,591 --> 00:12:40,923 hurt themselves with their own gun. 340 00:12:40,925 --> 00:12:42,191 - Mm-hmm. - He shot himself. 341 00:12:42,193 --> 00:12:43,726 I shot myself. 342 00:12:45,296 --> 00:12:46,488 Well, you don't have to worry about me. 343 00:12:46,513 --> 00:12:48,231 I've handled a gun. I've been in the Army. 344 00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:49,293 You were a cook. 345 00:12:49,318 --> 00:12:50,664 A pastry chef. 346 00:12:51,069 --> 00:12:53,736 Yeah, but believe me, I've seen a lot of stuff go down. 347 00:12:53,738 --> 00:12:55,838 Like what, a soufflé? 348 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,174 Randy, come on, please help me out here. 349 00:12:58,176 --> 00:12:59,409 All right, look, Arthur, 350 00:12:59,411 --> 00:13:01,344 if you're really serious about this, 351 00:13:01,346 --> 00:13:03,079 we're gonna do it the safe way. 352 00:13:03,081 --> 00:13:05,088 I'm gonna take you to the shooting range 353 00:13:05,113 --> 00:13:06,199 and make sure you can handle that thing. 354 00:13:06,224 --> 00:13:08,851 All right, fine, if that'll make everybody comfortable. 355 00:13:08,853 --> 00:13:09,852 I'm going, too. 356 00:13:09,854 --> 00:13:11,654 I want to see if I should invest 357 00:13:11,656 --> 00:13:14,000 in a Kevlar apron and a bulletproof hairnet. 358 00:13:14,039 --> 00:13:16,726 Come on, it's just a gun. How complicated can it be? 359 00:13:19,029 --> 00:13:20,553 Happens to me all the time. 360 00:13:24,335 --> 00:13:26,735 Bam! Bam! Bam! 361 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,127 Get out of my shop! 362 00:13:28,158 --> 00:13:29,639 Those donuts might be filled with jelly, 363 00:13:29,641 --> 00:13:31,574 but I'm about to fill you with lead! 364 00:13:31,576 --> 00:13:33,042 Bam! Bam! 365 00:13:33,044 --> 00:13:34,744 - Would you stop saying "bam"? - Huh? 366 00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:36,245 The guns make the noises for you. 367 00:13:36,247 --> 00:13:37,680 Oh. 368 00:13:37,682 --> 00:13:39,615 I'm sorry. I got carried away. 369 00:13:39,617 --> 00:13:41,751 Okay, let's see the damage. 370 00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:49,556 Good news, they can use this one again. 371 00:13:50,970 --> 00:13:52,428 There must be something wrong with that target. 372 00:13:52,430 --> 00:13:54,497 You know, in basketball, I used to blame the hoop 373 00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:57,066 until I realized I just suck. 374 00:13:57,068 --> 00:13:59,869 Arthur, this, uh, gun thing may just not be for you. 375 00:13:59,871 --> 00:14:01,504 Why don't we get you a whistle 376 00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:03,439 - and some pepper spray? - Oh, wonderful. 377 00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:05,503 Does that come with kitten heels and a girdle, hmm? 378 00:14:06,845 --> 00:14:08,678 What year do you think it is? 379 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,513 Look, Arthur, we gave it a try. 380 00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:12,315 Yeah, man. 381 00:14:12,317 --> 00:14:14,384 Gun is not for you, especially at your age. 382 00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:16,819 All right, all right. 383 00:14:16,821 --> 00:14:20,089 I'll give up the gun, if that'll get you off my back. 384 00:14:20,091 --> 00:14:21,257 Yes, it would. 385 00:14:21,259 --> 00:14:22,258 And will you stop hanging out 386 00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:23,659 at 4:00 a.m. in your robe? 387 00:14:23,661 --> 00:14:25,328 All right, I'll wait for the sun to rise, 388 00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:26,929 like a damn rooster. 389 00:14:26,931 --> 00:14:29,634 Just tie your robe, so I don't see your cock-a-doodle-doo. 390 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:32,802 Oh. 391 00:14:34,271 --> 00:14:37,640 Look, a little present for my ex-husband. 392 00:14:41,478 --> 00:14:42,678 Shall we go? 393 00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:05,067 - Arthur, no! - Oh, my God! Oh, geez! 394 00:15:06,371 --> 00:15:08,171 I almost shot you. 395 00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:10,339 You said you got rid of that. 396 00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:13,142 I just wanted you to get off my back. 397 00:15:13,144 --> 00:15:14,811 Why are you following me? 398 00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:16,879 'Cause I knew you were lying. 399 00:15:18,015 --> 00:15:19,382 Just hand it over, okay? 400 00:15:19,384 --> 00:15:20,383 All right. 401 00:15:22,053 --> 00:15:24,086 Drop the gun. 402 00:15:24,088 --> 00:15:28,524 Okay, close your robe, then drop the gun. 403 00:15:32,896 --> 00:15:34,897 Well, I have to say I'm impressed. 404 00:15:34,899 --> 00:15:37,567 How'd you manage to wrestle a gun away from this young man? 405 00:15:37,569 --> 00:15:38,868 Huh? 406 00:15:38,870 --> 00:15:40,903 Why you assume I was robbing him? 407 00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:42,271 It was his gun. 408 00:15:42,273 --> 00:15:44,941 And what would I want to steal from him, his flip phone? 409 00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:47,009 Ah, we have a motive. 410 00:15:47,011 --> 00:15:48,144 Yeah, you got me. 411 00:15:48,146 --> 00:15:51,447 I'm the uptown obsolete-technology bandit. 412 00:15:51,449 --> 00:15:53,732 And a confession. 413 00:15:53,771 --> 00:15:55,751 Oh, come on, would you stop it? 414 00:15:55,753 --> 00:15:57,820 It was my gun. He works for me. 415 00:15:57,822 --> 00:16:00,323 Have you called Officer DeLuca yet, huh? 416 00:16:00,325 --> 00:16:02,158 I told you, she'll vouch for us. 417 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,593 Yeah, she said she's on the way, 418 00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,995 she just needs a cup of coffee first. 419 00:16:07,331 --> 00:16:09,565 - All right, you guys hang tight. - All right. 420 00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:15,705 Damn, I almost killed you. 421 00:16:15,707 --> 00:16:19,141 Yeah, you could have. 422 00:16:19,143 --> 00:16:21,744 Now can you give up the gun? 423 00:16:23,180 --> 00:16:26,115 I guess it's obvious I shouldn't be carrying one. 424 00:16:26,117 --> 00:16:29,585 But I'm not gonna let you scare me out of living my own life. 425 00:16:29,587 --> 00:16:30,753 Do you understand? 426 00:16:30,755 --> 00:16:31,676 Okay. 427 00:16:32,418 --> 00:16:33,465 I'll back off. 428 00:16:34,726 --> 00:16:35,892 All right. 429 00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,593 Look, man, you... 430 00:16:37,595 --> 00:16:40,997 you at least have to let me put up some bars on the windows 431 00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:43,332 or some cameras or something. 432 00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:46,669 Can I still get the newspaper by myself? 433 00:16:46,671 --> 00:16:48,738 Can you wait till the sun comes up? 434 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:53,042 Or read the news online like everyone else under 90? 435 00:16:53,044 --> 00:16:54,551 I'll wait till the sun comes up. 436 00:16:54,576 --> 00:16:55,629 Thank you. 437 00:16:57,262 --> 00:16:58,948 And, look, I'm-I'm sorry I got in your head. 438 00:16:58,950 --> 00:17:00,616 All right. 439 00:17:00,618 --> 00:17:03,119 But I lost a lot of friends to guns in this damn city, 440 00:17:03,121 --> 00:17:04,387 all right? 441 00:17:04,973 --> 00:17:07,390 And I can't stand the thought of losing another one. 442 00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:10,726 Oh, so now I'm your friend, huh? 443 00:17:12,195 --> 00:17:14,697 Not if you keep making my emotional moments about you. 444 00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:17,433 Selfish bastard. 445 00:17:17,435 --> 00:17:19,101 - All right, bring it in, man. - Yeah. 446 00:17:19,103 --> 00:17:20,295 - No, no. - Where... 447 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,633 No, over. There. 448 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,007 Are you okay, sir?! Is he trying to assault you?! 449 00:17:25,009 --> 00:17:26,642 Oh, stop it, will you?! 450 00:17:26,644 --> 00:17:27,877 - Randy, hey! - Hey! 451 00:17:27,879 --> 00:17:30,146 - Randy. - Hey, Randy. 452 00:17:31,281 --> 00:17:33,783 Go ahead. Go for it. 453 00:17:33,785 --> 00:17:35,851 So, DeLuca, were you on a date, 454 00:17:35,853 --> 00:17:38,888 or did you get a job as a blackjack dealer? 455 00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:42,658 No, but he was 21. 456 00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:44,652 And I did tell him to hit it. 457 00:17:47,164 --> 00:17:48,864 Solid. Nice one. 458 00:17:48,866 --> 00:17:49,932 All right, look. 459 00:17:49,934 --> 00:17:52,559 He's cool, and he's cool. 460 00:17:52,584 --> 00:17:54,537 So are you cool if I take it from here? 461 00:17:54,539 --> 00:17:56,706 - Yeah. - Thank you. 462 00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,240 - Bye. - All right, all right. 463 00:17:58,242 --> 00:17:59,909 Thank you, Randy. 464 00:17:59,911 --> 00:18:02,945 Well, I guess I got to start making the donuts now, huh? 465 00:18:02,947 --> 00:18:05,648 Good. Kill people the old-fashioned way... 466 00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:07,316 With heart disease and diabetes. 467 00:18:07,318 --> 00:18:08,317 Yeah. 468 00:18:09,185 --> 00:18:10,863 - Thanks, Randy. - Well, where you going with those? 469 00:18:10,888 --> 00:18:13,089 I told you, I have a date. 470 00:18:20,257 --> 00:18:23,126 All right, got two cameras in the shop, 471 00:18:23,128 --> 00:18:25,462 two outside, and two upstairs in Arthur's apartment. 472 00:18:25,464 --> 00:18:27,931 And all the cameras are linked to this app on my phone. 473 00:18:27,933 --> 00:18:29,733 Where is Arthur, anyway? 474 00:18:29,735 --> 00:18:31,118 Haven't seen him all morning. 475 00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:33,770 He's running an errand, but he just got back. 476 00:18:33,772 --> 00:18:36,206 - How do you know? - Well, look. 477 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:42,512 Ooh. Yeah, that fish-eye lens is not his friend. 478 00:18:43,613 --> 00:18:47,083 Whoa! It wasn't the lens. 479 00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:50,253 Well, hopefully we won't be seeing much on those cameras. 480 00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,835 The extra police presence 481 00:18:51,860 --> 00:18:53,009 is starting to make a difference. 482 00:18:53,034 --> 00:18:56,244 That's right. Crime in uptown is trending downtown. 483 00:18:58,163 --> 00:19:00,463 In my head, that was hilarious. 484 00:19:00,670 --> 00:19:03,099 I'm just glad we can stop working so hard. 485 00:19:05,303 --> 00:19:06,202 Come with me! 486 00:19:06,204 --> 00:19:08,805 Some kids just stole my scarecop! 487 00:19:08,807 --> 00:19:11,113 Come on, Hawaii Five-Slow, let's go! 488 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,610 It's all you, James. 489 00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:15,111 All right, I'm on it. 490 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,614 Yes! We can watch the chase on my phone, look. 491 00:19:17,616 --> 00:19:18,642 Let's see. 492 00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,718 Oh! Mannequin cop down! 493 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,620 No, that's James.