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00:00:02,742 --> 00:00:06,344
Hey, Arthur, can I put one of my
campaign posters in your window?
2
00:00:06,346 --> 00:00:07,912
The election for the
Uptown Business Council
3
00:00:07,914 --> 00:00:09,247
is in three days.
4
00:00:09,249 --> 00:00:10,415
Let's see it.
5
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"Vote Fawz for president
6
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or else."
7
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Or else what?
8
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Or else you'll be torn apart by tigers.
9
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But that wouldn't fit on the poster.
10
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Eh, it doesn't matter.
11
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I'm running unopposed.
12
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Which is actually my other poster.
13
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So, you got big plans
for your second term?
14
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Well, the first thing
I plan to do is renew
15
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my handicap parking sticker.
16
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Because, you know,
I have that condition,
17
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where I don't like to look for parking.
18
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Plus, I want to do something
about that playground
19
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on Sheridan Ave.
20
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Oh, that's dope.
It's getting a little run-down.
21
00:00:45,919 --> 00:00:47,718
What, you gonna put up a
new swing set or something?
22
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Well, something will be swinging,
23
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namely, a wrecking ball.
24
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What?
25
00:00:52,358 --> 00:00:53,424
Yeah, we're gonna pave
over the playground...
26
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♪ And put up a parking lot. ♪
27
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Hey! Yo, you-you can't do that.
28
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I've been going to that park
since I was a little kid, man.
29
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I have a lot of good memories there.
30
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At least-least, I think I do.
31
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I-I smoked a lot of weed there, too.
32
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Well, I represent the business owners,
33
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and they need a parking lot
to attract more shoppers.
34
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Everybody loves that park.
35
00:01:14,780 --> 00:01:17,381
What's next? You gonna tear down
a library and put up a Target?
36
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Okay,
37
00:01:19,218 --> 00:01:21,257
let's not get carried away.
38
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Tear down library, call Target.
39
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You already got rid of the
two-dollar movie theater
40
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and the video arcade.
41
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I'm running out of places to have sex
42
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when my roommate's home.
43
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I'm glad they're getting
rid of that park.
44
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Okay, what do you have against it?
45
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A mean girl made fun of me there
46
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and stole my Happy Days lunch box.
47
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I haven't gone back since.
48
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I want to think that was
during his childhood,
49
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but chances are, it happened last week.
50
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Tush, did you say
a Happy Days lunch box?
51
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Yeah. And three ham salad sandwiches.
52
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- And a thermos filled with...
- Tang?
53
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Oh, my God.
54
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It was you!
55
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This is hilarious!
56
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Hilarious?
I was so traumatized, I peed my pants
57
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and had to be homeschooled
for the rest of third grade.
58
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40 years later,
the taunting still rings in my ears.
59
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♪ A girl stole your lunch box. ♪
60
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♪ And he smells like sweat socks. ♪
61
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Oh, fun, a second verse.
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Very funny.
63
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Aw, Tush.
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It was very funny.
65
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Okay, maybe Tush hates the park,
but you know something?
66
00:02:38,604 --> 00:02:40,170
It's important to a lot of us.
67
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That was the one place I could go
when things got tough at my house.
68
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Plus, it was one of the few
places that a family can have
69
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a picnic, you know,
and breathe fresh air.
70
00:02:46,445 --> 00:02:50,080
Unless someone was, uh,
smoking a reefer on the roundabout.
71
00:02:50,931 --> 00:02:53,551
Smoking what on the what?
72
00:02:53,553 --> 00:02:56,987
What he's trying to say is
"weed on the merry-go-round."
73
00:02:57,596 --> 00:03:00,925
But the way Calvin Coolidge
would have said it.
74
00:03:01,674 --> 00:03:04,562
Hey, yo, if you care that much,
why don't you run against Fawz?
75
00:03:04,564 --> 00:03:05,563
You know what?
76
00:03:05,565 --> 00:03:08,198
I don't care that much.
77
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:13,070
Franco is so naive to think that
you would want to run for this.
78
00:03:13,072 --> 00:03:14,338
Yeah, I know.
79
00:03:14,340 --> 00:03:16,140
I mean, the thought that
anyone would vote for you
80
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over me is crazy.
81
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It's not that crazy.
You know, I've been a businessman
82
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in this neighborhood for 40 years.
83
00:03:23,449 --> 00:03:25,082
Yes, but the neighborhood has changed
84
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and you no longer fit in.
85
00:03:27,731 --> 00:03:30,521
No offense, but you're a relic,
a dinosaur.
86
00:03:30,523 --> 00:03:33,123
You're basically useless
to this generation.
87
00:03:34,327 --> 00:03:38,028
Why do you even bother to say
"no offense"?
88
00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:41,699
It gives me permission to say
whatever hateful thing I'm thinking.
89
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It's the first phrase
I learned in English.
90
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Yeah.
91
00:03:46,072 --> 00:03:48,639
Yeah, well, no offense, you're an idiot.
92
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That was the second phrase I learned.
93
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Look,
94
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I still got a lot to contribute.
95
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I would make a great president.
96
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You would make a great grandfather.
97
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Franco!
98
00:03:58,684 --> 00:04:00,985
I changed my mind. I'm gonna run for
president of the business council.
99
00:04:00,987 --> 00:04:02,686
Hell yeah, man! That sounds good!
100
00:04:02,688 --> 00:04:03,921
- Yeah.
- Yes, it does.
101
00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:06,323
Everyone your age should
have a little project.
102
00:04:07,349 --> 00:04:11,495
You know, like a jigsaw puzzle
or running a useless campaign.
103
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I plan to win.
104
00:04:12,965 --> 00:04:14,164
Yeah.
105
00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:15,799
We're about to save Grayden Park.
106
00:04:15,801 --> 00:04:18,836
Yeah. They might even
rename the park after me.
107
00:04:18,838 --> 00:04:20,971
Ah! Yes, I can see it now.
108
00:04:20,973 --> 00:04:22,473
Jurassic Park!
109
00:04:39,584 --> 00:04:43,152
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the next president
110
00:04:43,154 --> 00:04:45,054
of the Uptown Business Council,
111
00:04:45,056 --> 00:04:48,424
Arthur Przybyszewski!
112
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Arthur,
have you thought about a nickname?
113
00:04:50,561 --> 00:04:53,429
Because your last name
looks like an eye chart.
114
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"A hole new approach." I love it.
115
00:04:57,435 --> 00:04:59,969
You know what, I'm gonna get my buddies
from the neighborhood to put these up.
116
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I'll start with, uh,
Cathy at the bead store.
117
00:05:02,974 --> 00:05:05,375
Arthur, that place shut down months ago.
118
00:05:05,377 --> 00:05:08,611
Oh. All right, I'll just walk
one over to Morty the Cobbler.
119
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He died.
120
00:05:12,217 --> 00:05:13,916
Well, then who's the new cobbler?
121
00:05:13,918 --> 00:05:15,952
There are no new cobblers!
122
00:05:17,155 --> 00:05:18,955
Arthur, where have you been?
123
00:05:18,957 --> 00:05:20,657
Right here! I live above the shop.
124
00:05:20,659 --> 00:05:23,259
Last winter, I never even put on a coat.
125
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:26,162
Well, look, while you were
hiding out in your bunker,
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00:05:26,164 --> 00:05:27,864
the neighborhood changed.
127
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My old business buddies,
they were my base.
128
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Hey, it's cool.
All we got to do is get you out there
129
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to meet some new people, man.
Hey, you got this.
130
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Okay, okay.
131
00:05:34,506 --> 00:05:36,205
Hello, all!
I just met with the architect
132
00:05:36,207 --> 00:05:38,374
for the new parking garage.
133
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I'm gonna get to ride the crane!
134
00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:43,746
Beep, beep!
135
00:05:43,748 --> 00:05:45,515
Don't get too ahead of yourself, Fawz,
136
00:05:45,517 --> 00:05:47,350
'cause Arthur's campaign
is just getting started.
137
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We got a whole plan we're working on.
138
00:05:48,987 --> 00:05:50,153
- "We"?
- Yeah,
139
00:05:50,155 --> 00:05:51,487
Franco and me. We're teaming up.
140
00:05:51,489 --> 00:05:52,722
Yeah. I'm gonna be
141
00:05:52,724 --> 00:05:54,757
- his new campaign manager.
- You are?
142
00:05:54,759 --> 00:05:56,659
Yeah. Sofia and I are
gonna help him get elected.
143
00:05:56,661 --> 00:05:58,127
We are?
144
00:05:58,129 --> 00:06:00,496
Mm-hmm. Look, you and I give
him a tour of the neighborhood
145
00:06:00,498 --> 00:06:03,399
and introduce him to the new
generation of business owners.
146
00:06:03,401 --> 00:06:04,667
You want me to help Arthur,
147
00:06:04,669 --> 00:06:07,837
the man who calls my food
truck the Fart Wagon?
148
00:06:09,417 --> 00:06:10,306
Hey, hey,
149
00:06:10,308 --> 00:06:13,643
hey, hey. You ain't doing it for him.
150
00:06:13,645 --> 00:06:15,378
You're doing it to save Grayden Park.
151
00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:18,614
Yeah, I do great weekend business there.
152
00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:20,950
Turns out a lot of people
like to eat their feelings
153
00:06:20,952 --> 00:06:22,885
on Saturdays. Okay.
154
00:06:22,887 --> 00:06:24,654
- I'm in.
- All right.
155
00:06:24,656 --> 00:06:27,290
A millennial campaign manager.
156
00:06:27,292 --> 00:06:29,459
Interesting strategy, Arthur.
157
00:06:29,461 --> 00:06:31,794
But I'm still gonna crush you.
158
00:06:31,796 --> 00:06:33,229
Well, you don't know
who you're dealing with.
159
00:06:33,231 --> 00:06:35,398
I know exactly who I'm dealing with.
160
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,000
"A hole"!
161
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"New approach"!
162
00:06:46,211 --> 00:06:49,679
Oh, I see it now!
163
00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:54,751
How's he doing in there?
164
00:06:54,753 --> 00:06:56,018
Is he getting any votes?
165
00:06:56,020 --> 00:06:58,354
Well, he was hitting it off
with the little lesbian,
166
00:06:58,356 --> 00:07:01,591
but now the big
lesbian's yelling at him.
167
00:07:01,593 --> 00:07:03,626
Oh, there's a third lesbian!
168
00:07:04,538 --> 00:07:06,996
Well, this campaign's
gonna be a disaster.
169
00:07:06,998 --> 00:07:08,598
Oh, come on.
170
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:09,665
You're always so positive.
171
00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:11,501
It's one of the things I like about you.
172
00:07:11,503 --> 00:07:14,170
You like "things"? That's plural.
173
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What else?
174
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,574
Well...
175
00:07:18,576 --> 00:07:20,810
Nope, that's it.
There's only one thing I like about you.
176
00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:23,212
That's too bad.
177
00:07:23,214 --> 00:07:25,748
'Cause I got these tickets
to Chance the Rapper, so...
178
00:07:25,750 --> 00:07:27,483
Oh, hey!
179
00:07:27,485 --> 00:07:29,452
I just found a second
thing I like about you.
180
00:07:29,454 --> 00:07:30,520
Oh, yeah?
181
00:07:30,522 --> 00:07:31,821
All right, so I guess we goin'.
182
00:07:31,823 --> 00:07:33,723
We should probably grab dinner first.
183
00:07:34,492 --> 00:07:35,925
Or go to the concert hungry.
184
00:07:35,927 --> 00:07:37,093
That's cool, too.
185
00:07:38,029 --> 00:07:40,763
Well, those dudes were cranky.
186
00:07:41,799 --> 00:07:43,866
Hey, look, as your campaign manager,
187
00:07:43,868 --> 00:07:48,204
maybe I should do more
or all the talking.
188
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,840
Hey, man, how's business?
189
00:07:50,842 --> 00:07:52,008
Great.
190
00:07:52,010 --> 00:07:54,410
We were voted number one
beard washery in Chicago.
191
00:07:55,678 --> 00:07:57,380
Oh, speaking of voting,
192
00:07:57,382 --> 00:08:00,516
this is Arthur,
owner of Superior Donuts.
193
00:08:00,518 --> 00:08:02,218
Yeah, he's running for Uptown
Business Council president.
194
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:03,519
I know you.
195
00:08:03,521 --> 00:08:06,222
You wouldn't serve me
'cause I had my ferret.
196
00:08:06,559 --> 00:08:07,757
Oh, that was you, huh?
197
00:08:07,759 --> 00:08:09,258
You know, putting something on a leash
198
00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:11,561
- doesn't make it any less disgusting.
- Okay!
199
00:08:11,563 --> 00:08:12,962
All right, uh, so, uh,
200
00:08:12,964 --> 00:08:14,931
Arthur here is fighting for
what makes this neighborhood
201
00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:17,500
so special, unlike his opponent,
who's trying to turn
202
00:08:17,502 --> 00:08:19,769
Grayden Park into a parking lot.
203
00:08:19,771 --> 00:08:22,572
Well, I'm all for that.
We could use more parking around here.
204
00:08:22,574 --> 00:08:24,674
No, dude, the kids in this
neighborhood need that park.
205
00:08:24,676 --> 00:08:25,808
I don't have kids.
206
00:08:25,810 --> 00:08:29,979
Oh. Uh, do you,
by any chance, smoke weed?
207
00:08:29,981 --> 00:08:32,281
Look, my customers need a place to park.
208
00:08:32,283 --> 00:08:34,250
I'm voting for the other guy.
209
00:08:35,259 --> 00:08:36,419
And, by the way,
210
00:08:36,421 --> 00:08:37,687
I suffer from anxiety.
211
00:08:37,689 --> 00:08:40,523
My ferret is a service animal.
212
00:08:43,845 --> 00:08:45,628
Oh, Tush.
213
00:08:45,630 --> 00:08:47,630
I got you something on eBay.
214
00:08:50,044 --> 00:08:53,669
A Happy Days lunch box?
215
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,539
I wanted to give you back
what I took from you.
216
00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:59,809
That's weird.
I don't see my childhood in here.
217
00:09:01,179 --> 00:09:02,578
You didn't just steal my lunch box
218
00:09:02,580 --> 00:09:05,815
and 16 ounces of ice-cold Tang.
219
00:09:07,051 --> 00:09:09,285
You stole my faith in humanity.
220
00:09:09,975 --> 00:09:11,754
You're being a little dramatic.
221
00:09:11,756 --> 00:09:13,956
No, you know what's dramatic?
Charlie's Angels.
222
00:09:13,958 --> 00:09:17,460
That's the lunch box I had
to use when you stole mine.
223
00:09:18,163 --> 00:09:20,496
That is a great lunch box.
224
00:09:20,498 --> 00:09:22,832
Which one were you? Her,
225
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:24,867
her, or her?
226
00:09:25,870 --> 00:09:27,803
I'm not comfortable
taking a gift from someone
227
00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:30,072
who thinks my feelings are a joke.
228
00:09:30,074 --> 00:09:31,440
Just take it.
229
00:09:31,442 --> 00:09:34,443
There it is! Still a bully!
230
00:09:34,916 --> 00:09:35,745
Hey, hey, hey.
231
00:09:35,747 --> 00:09:37,580
Why does this mean so much to you?
232
00:09:37,582 --> 00:09:39,782
- It happened years ago.
- It shouldn't matter
233
00:09:39,784 --> 00:09:41,617
when it happened. It upset me.
234
00:09:41,619 --> 00:09:44,186
And if you were my friend,
you wouldn't make a bunch of jokes,
235
00:09:44,188 --> 00:09:47,523
and try to buy me off
with a $14 lunch box.
236
00:09:47,525 --> 00:09:50,226
$14? Try $68.
237
00:09:50,228 --> 00:09:55,398
And I had to e-mail some
weirdo a picture of my feet.
238
00:09:57,170 --> 00:09:59,268
We're done here.
239
00:09:59,270 --> 00:10:00,970
Fine!
240
00:10:01,371 --> 00:10:04,407
♪ A girl stole your paper. ♪
241
00:10:07,070 --> 00:10:08,511
Hello, Arthur!
242
00:10:08,513 --> 00:10:11,514
I hear your campaign is like
one of my wife's old bras...
243
00:10:11,516 --> 00:10:14,517
No support!
244
00:10:14,519 --> 00:10:16,852
Yeah, save it for the debate.
245
00:10:16,854 --> 00:10:19,088
- Wait, what?
- There's a debate?
246
00:10:19,090 --> 00:10:21,090
Yeah. If there's
more than one candidate,
247
00:10:21,092 --> 00:10:22,992
there has to be a debate.
248
00:10:23,895 --> 00:10:25,761
You guys haven't read the UBC laws?
249
00:10:25,763 --> 00:10:28,898
It's only the best part of the
Chamber of Commerce handbook!
250
00:10:32,844 --> 00:10:34,036
Kind of a nerd.
251
00:10:35,849 --> 00:10:37,673
If "nerd" means doing everything you can
252
00:10:37,675 --> 00:10:39,342
to help your business succeed,
253
00:10:39,344 --> 00:10:41,310
then nerd be I.
254
00:10:44,112 --> 00:10:46,182
You know what,
a debate sounds good for you, man.
255
00:10:46,184 --> 00:10:47,950
People can hear that your
heart's in the right place
256
00:10:47,952 --> 00:10:49,919
and that Fawz doesn't have one.
257
00:10:49,921 --> 00:10:52,888
Oh, no, I'm a dead man.
258
00:10:52,890 --> 00:10:55,691
Unless, of course,
I can come up with some fun posters.
259
00:10:55,693 --> 00:10:58,961
Hello, what's this?
260
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:00,962
_
261
00:11:03,534 --> 00:11:05,935
Fawz, I thought we were friends.
262
00:11:05,937 --> 00:11:08,337
- We are. This is politics.
- No.
263
00:11:08,339 --> 00:11:10,106
This is hitting below the belt.
264
00:11:10,108 --> 00:11:11,907
Your pants come up to your neck.
Everything's below the belt.
265
00:11:11,909 --> 00:11:14,343
Oh, get out of here.
266
00:11:15,179 --> 00:11:16,512
Damn it! I got to beat that guy.
267
00:11:16,514 --> 00:11:17,780
- That's what I'm talking about, man.
- Yeah.
268
00:11:17,782 --> 00:11:19,348
Look, all you got to do
is get out there,
269
00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:21,224
get some votes,
and we're gonna save that playground.
270
00:11:21,286 --> 00:11:23,386
- Oh, uh... about the playground.
- What?
271
00:11:23,388 --> 00:11:25,688
Well, you heard those business people.
272
00:11:25,690 --> 00:11:27,223
They're the ones who vote.
273
00:11:27,225 --> 00:11:28,524
They want a parking lot.
274
00:11:28,526 --> 00:11:30,459
Wait, are you...
are you switching sides?
275
00:11:30,461 --> 00:11:32,194
If that's what it takes to win, yeah.
276
00:11:32,196 --> 00:11:34,130
I got to prove to Fawz
and to everyone else
277
00:11:34,132 --> 00:11:36,065
that I'm not irrelevant
in this neighborhood,
278
00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:37,733
that I really matter here.
279
00:11:37,735 --> 00:11:39,468
So it's all about you now?
280
00:11:40,444 --> 00:11:42,772
Look, I just poured my heart out to you.
281
00:11:44,375 --> 00:11:46,308
I found it very moving.
282
00:11:48,411 --> 00:11:51,380
I'm kind of in a raw place, myself.
283
00:11:51,382 --> 00:11:53,883
Arthur, look, there are more
important things than winning.
284
00:11:53,885 --> 00:11:55,618
It's better to be a principled loser
285
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:56,752
than to be a sellout.
286
00:11:56,754 --> 00:11:58,054
I'm sorry, but I came this far,
287
00:11:58,056 --> 00:11:59,355
and I got to win no matter what.
288
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,576
Okay, fine.
289
00:12:01,611 --> 00:12:02,324
Well, then, you know what?
290
00:12:02,326 --> 00:12:04,493
Good luck finding yourself
a new campaign manager,
291
00:12:04,495 --> 00:12:06,062
'cause I quit.
292
00:12:10,348 --> 00:12:11,667
Not the job. I need the job.
293
00:12:12,618 --> 00:12:13,502
Who wants some coffee?
294
00:12:13,504 --> 00:12:15,104
You? Come on.
295
00:12:22,781 --> 00:12:25,008
Arthur. I'm surprised Fawz
let you have the debate
296
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:27,511
- here in your own shop.
- Yeah, well, I talked him into it.
297
00:12:27,783 --> 00:12:30,817
This way the voters can see what
a successful businessman I am.
298
00:12:31,587 --> 00:12:32,919
Why did you agree to have the debate
299
00:12:32,921 --> 00:12:34,121
here on Arthur's turf?
300
00:12:34,123 --> 00:12:36,089
It was my idea.
This way everyone can see
301
00:12:36,091 --> 00:12:38,091
what a pathetic businessman he is.
302
00:12:39,761 --> 00:12:41,194
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
303
00:12:41,196 --> 00:12:42,596
What are you doing?
304
00:12:42,598 --> 00:12:44,798
- You got frosting on both sides?
- Yeah.
305
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,399
I call them Flip-Flops.
306
00:12:46,401 --> 00:12:47,968
You can, uh... you can switch sides
307
00:12:47,970 --> 00:12:50,036
anytime you want to
abandon your principles.
308
00:12:51,489 --> 00:12:52,439
Hey, look,
309
00:12:52,441 --> 00:12:54,141
the kids can play in a parking garage.
310
00:12:54,143 --> 00:12:56,476
They go to the top.
They slip on some roller skates.
311
00:12:56,478 --> 00:12:58,311
Boom. That's fun.
312
00:12:58,313 --> 00:13:00,046
Yeah.
313
00:13:00,048 --> 00:13:01,781
So, that's it for the playground.
314
00:13:01,783 --> 00:13:03,049
Oh, no.
315
00:13:03,051 --> 00:13:05,152
I ain't done fighting yet.
You want to know why?
316
00:13:05,154 --> 00:13:08,221
'Cause the man you
secretly love has a plan.
317
00:13:08,223 --> 00:13:10,991
Really? Drake has a plan?
318
00:13:11,975 --> 00:13:12,759
No.
319
00:13:12,761 --> 00:13:14,861
I'm gonna make sure Arthur
does the right thing.
320
00:13:17,699 --> 00:13:19,766
Hey, Tush.
321
00:13:20,230 --> 00:13:21,635
Sorry, this seat's taken.
322
00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:23,904
Okay.
323
00:13:23,906 --> 00:13:25,839
This has gone on long enough. Come on.
324
00:13:25,841 --> 00:13:27,674
- I want to show you something.
- Hard pass.
325
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,743
I'm done being bullied by you.
326
00:13:29,745 --> 00:13:32,712
Damn it, Tush, get in the car right now!
327
00:13:32,714 --> 00:13:34,881
Coming.
328
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:38,852
Welcome, everybody.
329
00:13:38,854 --> 00:13:40,754
I've been chosen to moderate
330
00:13:40,756 --> 00:13:43,256
tonight's UBC event.
331
00:13:43,258 --> 00:13:44,391
Uh, what is UBC?
332
00:13:44,393 --> 00:13:45,926
Uptown Business Council.
333
00:13:45,928 --> 00:13:47,327
The thing you're running for.
334
00:13:47,329 --> 00:13:49,062
Oh! Oh.
335
00:13:50,966 --> 00:13:52,566
Opening statements.
336
00:13:52,568 --> 00:13:54,267
Gracias.
337
00:13:59,675 --> 00:14:02,342
I would like to acknowledge
my esteemed opponent
338
00:14:02,344 --> 00:14:05,145
as one of the nicest men on Earth.
339
00:14:05,147 --> 00:14:07,113
And one of the first.
340
00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:13,520
Listen, I've been a business owner
341
00:14:13,522 --> 00:14:15,055
in Uptown for decades.
342
00:14:15,665 --> 00:14:18,191
And, like some of you,
I nearly lost my shirt in the recession.
343
00:14:18,193 --> 00:14:20,360
And, like most of you,
I did lose my shirt
344
00:14:20,362 --> 00:14:21,962
in his dry cleaners.
345
00:14:23,532 --> 00:14:24,664
That's right, Fawz.
346
00:14:24,666 --> 00:14:26,266
I just took you to the cleaners.
347
00:14:29,251 --> 00:14:32,539
Yeah, and I just took you
to the donut shop.
348
00:14:33,879 --> 00:14:34,874
Okay, I can tell by your reaction
349
00:14:34,876 --> 00:14:37,711
his was better.
350
00:14:39,514 --> 00:14:42,749
Ah, back to the scene of the crime.
351
00:14:44,103 --> 00:14:46,786
Come on.
I just want you to read something.
352
00:14:49,692 --> 00:14:51,324
"Joe Nuñez eats butt."
353
00:14:51,326 --> 00:14:53,860
Yeah, everybody knows that.
354
00:14:53,862 --> 00:14:55,729
Lower.
355
00:14:55,731 --> 00:14:57,664
"Double Dee-Luca."
356
00:14:58,681 --> 00:15:01,534
That's what the girls
called me in fifth grade.
357
00:15:01,536 --> 00:15:04,771
I was an early bloomer.
358
00:15:05,652 --> 00:15:06,806
It was horrible.
359
00:15:07,978 --> 00:15:09,309
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
360
00:15:09,311 --> 00:15:10,977
And it wasn't just the girls.
361
00:15:10,979 --> 00:15:13,079
My gym teacher wouldn't
let me use the trampoline
362
00:15:13,081 --> 00:15:15,982
unless I wore a football helmet.
363
00:15:15,984 --> 00:15:17,083
No.
364
00:15:17,085 --> 00:15:18,451
Yeah.
365
00:15:18,453 --> 00:15:20,954
Those nuns were cruel.
366
00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:22,889
Well, if people were mean to you,
367
00:15:22,891 --> 00:15:24,624
why'd you pick on me?
368
00:15:24,626 --> 00:15:29,062
'Cause I was an angry,
embarrassed, big-boobed kid.
369
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,733
And I took it out on kids
that were younger than me
370
00:15:33,735 --> 00:15:35,435
because they couldn't fight back.
371
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:37,704
And, obviously,
372
00:15:37,706 --> 00:15:39,539
I haven't gotten any better at empathy
373
00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:41,741
as I've gotten older.
374
00:15:43,645 --> 00:15:45,512
I'm really sorry, Tush.
375
00:15:46,882 --> 00:15:48,615
You think it's that simple?
376
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,017
I'm hoping.
377
00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:55,789
You still have that
lunch box you bought me?
378
00:15:57,459 --> 00:15:59,292
I'll bring it tomorrow.
379
00:16:00,011 --> 00:16:02,495
Thanks.
380
00:16:02,497 --> 00:16:03,930
I can't believe I was scary enough
381
00:16:03,932 --> 00:16:06,132
to make you pee your pants.
382
00:16:07,936 --> 00:16:09,936
You still are.
383
00:16:09,938 --> 00:16:11,371
When you yelled at me at the shop,
384
00:16:11,373 --> 00:16:13,440
I went a little.
385
00:16:16,033 --> 00:16:18,745
Now, Fawz claims he doesn't use
chemicals at his dry cleaners.
386
00:16:18,747 --> 00:16:20,180
Have you seen his employees?
387
00:16:20,182 --> 00:16:23,850
They've obviously been
exposed to something.
388
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:26,519
Not true. That's my wife's family.
389
00:16:26,521 --> 00:16:28,121
They're just ugly.
390
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,158
Guys, you're ignoring
the important issues,
391
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,827
like easing the restrictions on signage
392
00:16:33,829 --> 00:16:36,162
or expanding the bike-share program.
393
00:16:36,164 --> 00:16:37,397
Do we really care about people
394
00:16:37,399 --> 00:16:40,200
that can't afford their own bikes?
395
00:16:40,202 --> 00:16:42,836
Okay, let's open up
the floor to questions.
396
00:16:42,838 --> 00:16:44,137
I got one.
397
00:16:44,139 --> 00:16:45,572
So, tell me something.
398
00:16:45,574 --> 00:16:47,607
If you all decide to
tear down Grayden Park,
399
00:16:47,609 --> 00:16:49,776
where's the little man supposed to play?
400
00:16:49,778 --> 00:16:52,679
Hey, no one said we could bring props.
401
00:16:52,681 --> 00:16:54,581
Hey, everybody. I'm-I'm Franco.
402
00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:56,649
And this awesome kid
right here is Andre.
403
00:16:56,651 --> 00:16:58,985
So, Andre, tell everybody
what the park means to you.
404
00:16:58,987 --> 00:17:00,954
Oh, let me guess.
It's where he learned to play baseball.
405
00:17:00,956 --> 00:17:03,289
Blah, blah, blah.
406
00:17:03,291 --> 00:17:05,558
Actually, I'm not much of a sportsman.
407
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,361
But the park is where I
learned how to plant a garden.
408
00:17:08,363 --> 00:17:09,963
And because of said garden,
409
00:17:09,965 --> 00:17:11,831
I also learned self-defense.
410
00:17:11,833 --> 00:17:13,133
Mm-hmm.
411
00:17:13,135 --> 00:17:14,968
And after you play in the park,
what do you do?
412
00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:18,705
Well, sometimes
I get a haircut from you,
413
00:17:18,707 --> 00:17:20,573
or I buy ice cream from you
414
00:17:20,575 --> 00:17:22,909
and enjoy it while
staring through the window
415
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:24,077
of your yoga studio.
416
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:25,678
Oh!
417
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,046
Andre just hit puberty.
418
00:17:27,048 --> 00:17:28,348
But you see?
419
00:17:28,350 --> 00:17:30,083
The park is bringing you business.
420
00:17:30,085 --> 00:17:31,951
All good points.
421
00:17:31,953 --> 00:17:35,355
And that is why,
as you have all heard me say many times,
422
00:17:35,357 --> 00:17:38,858
I am for the playground.
423
00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:41,161
But we need parking, too.
424
00:17:41,163 --> 00:17:42,629
Also a good point, which is why
425
00:17:42,631 --> 00:17:45,532
you're allowed to park
in the playground.
426
00:17:45,534 --> 00:17:48,301
There must be another solution.
427
00:17:48,303 --> 00:17:50,170
Hey,
that old Endicott building is empty.
428
00:17:50,172 --> 00:17:52,372
Couldn't we turn that
into a parking garage?
429
00:17:52,374 --> 00:17:55,074
Uh, isn't that against the zoning laws?
430
00:17:55,076 --> 00:17:58,311
No, they just rezoned that whole block.
431
00:18:00,882 --> 00:18:02,348
Seriously?
432
00:18:02,350 --> 00:18:05,351
No one reads the handbook?
433
00:18:05,353 --> 00:18:06,886
You know, you don't have to read stuff.
434
00:18:06,888 --> 00:18:08,288
You're attractive.
435
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,991
All right, look,
whether there's a handbook or not...
436
00:18:11,026 --> 00:18:12,147
There is.
437
00:18:13,328 --> 00:18:14,761
And the end of the day,
the choice comes down
438
00:18:14,763 --> 00:18:16,095
to just two people.
439
00:18:16,097 --> 00:18:19,566
You want a pillar of the
Uptown business community?
440
00:18:19,568 --> 00:18:21,601
Or do you want a modern leader
441
00:18:21,603 --> 00:18:23,770
who's willing to say absolutely anything
442
00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:26,806
to be elected?
443
00:18:26,808 --> 00:18:28,508
What about her?
444
00:18:28,510 --> 00:18:30,443
She knows what she's talking about.
I'm voting for her.
445
00:18:30,445 --> 00:18:32,412
Well, you can't. She's not running.
446
00:18:32,414 --> 00:18:34,647
Well, actually, the bylaws
447
00:18:34,649 --> 00:18:37,317
do allow a write-in candidate.
448
00:18:37,319 --> 00:18:39,252
Oh, sure,
just because she knows the bylaws
449
00:18:39,254 --> 00:18:40,987
and she cares about the neighborhood,
450
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,956
you think she's qualified?
451
00:18:42,958 --> 00:18:45,058
Okay, show of hands.
452
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:46,860
All in favor of food truck lady?
453
00:18:48,129 --> 00:18:51,264
You don't even own a business.
454
00:18:51,266 --> 00:18:52,932
Food truck lady it is.
455
00:18:56,638 --> 00:18:58,638
But she's inexperienced,
456
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,341
and I don't even know if she
was born in this country.
457
00:19:02,366 --> 00:19:04,811
I demand to see your birth certificate.
458
00:19:15,924 --> 00:19:17,357
Well, Arthur,
459
00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:19,826
you know I'm not good with apologies.
460
00:19:22,297 --> 00:19:24,431
Wait a minute, th-that's it?
461
00:19:24,433 --> 00:19:26,666
Fine, I'll spoon-feed you.
462
00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:30,704
I'm sorry for the things I
said about you being old.
463
00:19:30,706 --> 00:19:32,706
This shop is an Uptown institution,
464
00:19:32,708 --> 00:19:34,007
and you should be proud of that.
465
00:19:34,009 --> 00:19:36,142
So, why all the mudslinging?
466
00:19:36,144 --> 00:19:38,578
Because I wanted to
be reelected so badly.
467
00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:40,747
You know, being president
of the Business Council
468
00:19:40,749 --> 00:19:43,049
this past year made me feel respected.
469
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,451
You know, how everyone respects
470
00:19:44,453 --> 00:19:46,820
the president of the United States.
471
00:19:50,926 --> 00:19:53,793
Well, for whatever it's worth,
I respect you.
472
00:19:53,795 --> 00:19:55,128
I mean, you came here with nothing,
473
00:19:55,130 --> 00:19:56,396
you built a business,
474
00:19:56,398 --> 00:19:58,431
you burned that business
down for the insurance money,
475
00:19:58,433 --> 00:20:00,667
and you started a dry cleaners.
476
00:20:02,437 --> 00:20:05,805
Thank you, and you can't prove anything.
477
00:20:06,645 --> 00:20:08,008
There she is.
478
00:20:08,010 --> 00:20:10,176
All hail Madam President.
479
00:20:11,580 --> 00:20:14,614
Not my president.
480
00:20:14,616 --> 00:20:16,416
Hey.
481
00:20:16,418 --> 00:20:18,618
So, any, uh,
big plans for your first term?
482
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:21,921
So many. I want to do
an Uptown food festival,
483
00:20:21,923 --> 00:20:24,057
repave all the sidewalks.
484
00:20:24,059 --> 00:20:25,959
I'm even thinking of
doing a Dollar Days.
485
00:20:25,961 --> 00:20:27,594
I might even spell it with a "Z."
486
00:20:28,723 --> 00:20:31,064
I'm giddy with power.
487
00:20:31,066 --> 00:20:32,265
That's cool.
488
00:20:32,267 --> 00:20:34,434
We can celebrate your win
at the Chance concert.
489
00:20:34,436 --> 00:20:35,835
Oh, my God. I'm-I'm so sorry.
490
00:20:35,837 --> 00:20:37,704
My first council
meeting is Friday night.
491
00:20:37,706 --> 00:20:39,072
I know. I read the bylaws,
492
00:20:39,074 --> 00:20:41,107
and I switched our tickets to Saturday.
493
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:43,243
You read the bylaws?
494
00:20:43,245 --> 00:20:44,744
It's kind of hot, right?
495
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:46,980
It is.
496
00:20:46,982 --> 00:20:48,415
Tell you what.
497
00:20:48,417 --> 00:20:50,250
I'll take you to lunch right now
498
00:20:50,252 --> 00:20:52,786
if you can tell me what bylaw 14,
section three is.
499
00:20:52,788 --> 00:20:55,055
- Uh, it's... Section three?
- Mm-hmm.
500
00:20:55,593 --> 00:20:57,724
That's my favorite bylaw.
501
00:20:59,061 --> 00:21:00,493
Uh, thou shalt not...
502
00:21:00,495 --> 00:21:02,629
- See you later, Franco.
- Okay.
503
00:21:02,631 --> 00:21:04,097
I hate that handbook.
504
00:21:07,636 --> 00:21:09,733
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