1
00:00:05,458 --> 00:00:07,275
Hey, good morning, Randy.
What can I get you?

2
00:00:07,277 --> 00:00:08,910
Something to throw up in.

3
00:00:10,762 --> 00:00:13,014
Arthur, she needs the puke bucket.

4
00:00:13,672 --> 00:00:16,918
Which one? Saint Patrick's
Day or Cubs season opener?

5
00:00:18,255 --> 00:00:20,121
I just looked at my Facebook.

6
00:00:20,123 --> 00:00:23,925
My ex-husband is running around
Europe with his new girlfriend.

7
00:00:23,927 --> 00:00:28,363
Literally. They just jogged
from Belgium to Luxembourg.

8
00:00:28,866 --> 00:00:31,699
Aw, what a beautiful couple.

9
00:00:31,701 --> 00:00:34,202
Of insensitive jerks.

10
00:00:35,739 --> 00:00:37,172
Girlfriend, you got to get on Facebook

11
00:00:37,174 --> 00:00:39,107
and show him how great your life is.

12
00:00:40,433 --> 00:00:41,276
TUSH: She already did.

13
00:00:41,278 --> 00:00:42,310
Yesterday she posted

14
00:00:42,312 --> 00:00:45,246
about her new big purchase, pans.

15
00:00:46,366 --> 00:00:47,545
Did you say "pants"?

16
00:00:47,618 --> 00:00:51,786
No. (scoffs) That was Tuesday.

17
00:00:51,788 --> 00:00:53,087
- The stretch corduroys?
- Yeah.

18
00:00:53,089 --> 00:00:54,456
I was excited for you.

19
00:00:55,859 --> 00:00:57,125
Randy, it's simple.

20
00:00:57,127 --> 00:00:59,561
You need to make your life
look better than your ex's.

21
00:00:59,563 --> 00:01:01,596
My Iraqi cousins who
follow me on Instagram

22
00:01:01,598 --> 00:01:03,631
think that I'm the owner
of the Chicago Bulls

23
00:01:03,633 --> 00:01:06,634
and I'm married to a Kardashian.

24
00:01:07,437 --> 00:01:10,171
I hang out in a donut
shop with you people.

25
00:01:10,173 --> 00:01:11,706
What is so exciting about that?

26
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:13,534
ARTHUR: Hey, excuse me,

27
00:01:13,569 --> 00:01:17,078
but these napkin dispensers
happen to be brand new.

28
00:01:20,553 --> 00:01:22,684
Who says you can't exaggerate a little?

29
00:01:22,686 --> 00:01:24,519
I happen to be a wiz with Photoshop.

30
00:01:24,521 --> 00:01:26,955
I can make it look like
you're anywhere in the world.

31
00:01:26,957 --> 00:01:28,119
I don't know.

32
00:01:28,192 --> 00:01:30,992
This is why I'm on a social media detox.

33
00:01:30,994 --> 00:01:33,228
All those "likes" and "retweets"

34
00:01:33,230 --> 00:01:35,497
are just another form of
instant gratification.

35
00:01:35,499 --> 00:01:38,600
I don't need that.
Where's my damn donut?!

36
00:01:40,003 --> 00:01:42,070
Franco, it's here,
your letter from Dearborn College.

37
00:01:42,072 --> 00:01:43,171
I thought you already got in.

38
00:01:43,173 --> 00:01:44,672
Oh, now it's my financial aid package.

39
00:01:44,674 --> 00:01:47,008
Now I'll find out if I
can actually afford to go.

40
00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:48,209
I'm so nervous.

41
00:01:48,211 --> 00:01:49,577
That's why I brought you
some homemade cookies.

42
00:01:49,579 --> 00:01:51,350
No, man. I'm too anxious for that.

43
00:01:51,385 --> 00:01:53,014
What I really need is some weed.

44
00:01:53,016 --> 00:01:55,149
Just eat the cookies.

45
00:01:57,129 --> 00:01:58,386
All right, here we go.

46
00:01:58,388 --> 00:02:01,422
"Dear Mr. Wicks.
You've been awarded a package of grants,

47
00:02:01,424 --> 00:02:04,592
"loans, and work-study that
are the equivalent of"...

48
00:02:04,594 --> 00:02:06,561
First year tuition! I'm covered!

49
00:02:06,563 --> 00:02:10,598
Boom! Let's celebrate.
Pass me the cookies.

50
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,100
That's terrific, Franco.

51
00:02:12,102 --> 00:02:13,968
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's this?

52
00:02:13,970 --> 00:02:15,970
"Additional fees not included?"

53
00:02:15,972 --> 00:02:18,873
Facilities fee, a health plan fee,

54
00:02:18,875 --> 00:02:22,277
art supplies fee? That's almost $3,000!

55
00:02:22,279 --> 00:02:25,847
Now I'm depressed. Pass me the cookies.

56
00:02:25,849 --> 00:02:27,549
Yo, Arthur, can I get an advance?

57
00:02:27,551 --> 00:02:29,784
Again? I gave you four
in the last two months.

58
00:02:29,786 --> 00:02:31,386
You got to figure something else out.

59
00:02:31,388 --> 00:02:33,488
You need to find some more income, baby.

60
00:02:34,449 --> 00:02:36,791
Franco, how much do you and
Sweatpants pay for rent?

61
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:37,759
$800.

62
00:02:37,761 --> 00:02:39,394
How much of that do you pay?

63
00:02:39,396 --> 00:02:40,929
$800.

64
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,367
Okay, I know where this is going,

65
00:02:46,369 --> 00:02:49,304
but Franco does not have
time for a second job.

66
00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:53,141
No, he doesn't,
but you have time for a first one.

67
00:02:53,143 --> 00:02:57,579
I've had plenty of jobs.
I was Santa for Christmas.

68
00:02:57,581 --> 00:03:01,416
I was the Easter Bunny on Easter.

69
00:03:01,418 --> 00:03:04,319
And I know I was Baby
New Year for something.

70
00:03:05,355 --> 00:03:07,889
Yo, I hate to say this,
but Arthur's right.

71
00:03:07,891 --> 00:03:10,391
You got to find a job, a steady one.

72
00:03:10,393 --> 00:03:13,328
Fine. Guess I'll update my résumé.

73
00:03:13,330 --> 00:03:15,263
All right.

74
00:03:15,265 --> 00:03:18,333
Does "making weed cookies"
go under skills or hobbies?

75
00:03:19,970 --> 00:03:22,236
♪ ♪

76
00:03:27,077 --> 00:03:29,077
Okay. Here's the plan.

77
00:03:29,079 --> 00:03:31,245
I take your picture,
we drop it into a bunch

78
00:03:31,247 --> 00:03:34,315
of fancy European locations, and voilà.

79
00:03:34,317 --> 00:03:36,851
Your ex goes full-on FoMO,

80
00:03:38,335 --> 00:03:39,954
which means "fear of missing out"

81
00:03:39,956 --> 00:03:41,689
and not what you're thinking, Fawz.

82
00:03:41,691 --> 00:03:43,992
Hey, man, I'm not FoMO-phobic.

83
00:03:45,762 --> 00:03:49,163
Okay, first,
you're in front of the Eiffel Tower.

84
00:03:52,002 --> 00:03:54,302
Come on, loosen up.

85
00:03:54,304 --> 00:03:56,471
You just spent the day
wandering the Champs-Elysées,

86
00:03:56,473 --> 00:03:59,407
enjoying vichyssoise
and Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

87
00:04:00,645 --> 00:04:01,442
What?

88
00:04:01,444 --> 00:04:03,044
You saw a mime and it's cool.

89
00:04:03,046 --> 00:04:04,979
- Oh!
- (phone camera clicks)

90
00:04:04,981 --> 00:04:06,614
Now you're in the Louvre
looking at the Mona Lisa.

91
00:04:06,616 --> 00:04:07,982
Ah.

92
00:04:08,852 --> 00:04:10,652
(phone camera clicks)

93
00:04:10,654 --> 00:04:13,021
Ooh, but it's smaller than you thought.

94
00:04:13,023 --> 00:04:14,656
Oh.

95
00:04:14,658 --> 00:04:15,757
(phone camera clicks)

96
00:04:15,759 --> 00:04:16,758
All right.

97
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,559
Time for some Photoshop magic.

98
00:04:18,561 --> 00:04:19,661
(phone chimes)

99
00:04:19,663 --> 00:04:21,929
Ay! I just got a text
from Sweatpants, man.

100
00:04:21,931 --> 00:04:23,197
He got a job.

101
00:04:23,199 --> 00:04:25,266
- Already? That was quick.
- Yeah.

102
00:04:25,268 --> 00:04:28,970
Well, wasn't that quick.
It took seven years, dude.

103
00:04:28,972 --> 00:04:31,205
Have you guys been living
together that long?

104
00:04:31,207 --> 00:04:33,775
Yeah, when my dad kicked me out,
I moved in with his family

105
00:04:33,777 --> 00:04:34,976
till I found my own place.

106
00:04:34,978 --> 00:04:36,778
And then when his folks
moved back to Maryland,

107
00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:38,780
he moved in with me.
Dude's like my brother.

108
00:04:38,782 --> 00:04:40,415
So where's he working?

109
00:04:40,417 --> 00:04:42,650
At a retirement home.
You know what this means?

110
00:04:42,652 --> 00:04:45,620
When he comes home at night,
he's gonna smell weird?

111
00:04:46,498 --> 00:04:47,422
It means I'm gonna be rolling in it.

112
00:04:49,025 --> 00:04:51,526
Okay, perfect!

113
00:04:51,528 --> 00:04:52,860
Take a look.

114
00:04:52,862 --> 00:04:57,365
Oh, wow.
It really looks like I'm in Paris.

115
00:04:57,367 --> 00:04:58,966
Wait till Paul sees this.

116
00:04:58,968 --> 00:04:59,754
While you're at it,

117
00:04:59,803 --> 00:05:03,237
you think you could put my
head on Ryan Gosling's body?

118
00:05:06,476 --> 00:05:07,608
For your wife?

119
00:05:07,610 --> 00:05:09,610
Sure, for my wife.

120
00:05:12,782 --> 00:05:16,584
(laughing) Woo! There he is.

121
00:05:16,586 --> 00:05:17,685
Where have you been?

122
00:05:17,687 --> 00:05:19,187
We got to play<i> Medieval Dead.</i>

123
00:05:19,189 --> 00:05:21,257
I've been waiting for you
so we can crack level 19.

124
00:05:21,325 --> 00:05:24,358
Cool. But look, man. I got you
some donuts so we can celebrate.

125
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,526
My favorite kind.

126
00:05:25,528 --> 00:05:26,894
BOTH: Free!

127
00:05:28,674 --> 00:05:30,565
So, uh, what are we celebrating?

128
00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:32,266
Your new job.

129
00:05:32,268 --> 00:05:33,468
Oh, yeah, about that.

130
00:05:33,470 --> 00:05:35,603
- I'm not taking the job.
- What the...?

131
00:05:37,841 --> 00:05:39,807
The hell, man?

132
00:05:39,809 --> 00:05:41,709
Well, in the interview they said

133
00:05:41,711 --> 00:05:43,344
I could be Assistant
Activities Director.

134
00:05:43,346 --> 00:05:47,381
And I was like, "Bingo!"
because you know old people love Bingo.

135
00:05:49,285 --> 00:05:51,219
So I go to orientation today,

136
00:05:51,221 --> 00:05:54,122
and they say I got to wear
these-these baggy scrubs.

137
00:05:54,124 --> 00:05:58,626
Why would I want to hide
these natural curves?

138
00:05:58,628 --> 00:06:00,795
You always do this, man.

139
00:06:00,797 --> 00:06:03,030
Any time you get an opportunity,
you just blow it away.

140
00:06:03,032 --> 00:06:05,566
Like that time you quit the
job being a limo driver.

141
00:06:05,568 --> 00:06:08,069
I wasn't allowed to talk.

142
00:06:08,071 --> 00:06:10,404
Or-or the time you quit
being a tour guide.

143
00:06:10,406 --> 00:06:13,074
Sometimes I get shy.

144
00:06:13,076 --> 00:06:14,375
Come on, dude, l-look.

145
00:06:14,377 --> 00:06:17,411
The minute I find a job
that's fulfilling, I am there.

146
00:06:17,413 --> 00:06:20,114
No, no, man.
So I got to wait for you to be fulfilled

147
00:06:20,116 --> 00:06:21,783
before I can pay for art school?

148
00:06:22,735 --> 00:06:23,518
You know what?

149
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:24,986
Ever since you got into college,

150
00:06:24,988 --> 00:06:27,255
you've been walking around
here like you Ving Rhames.

151
00:06:27,257 --> 00:06:30,792
Ay, don't-don't start
with that right now, man.

152
00:06:30,794 --> 00:06:33,961
You think you're better than me,
and I'm just dragging you down.

153
00:06:33,963 --> 00:06:35,096
You're not dragging me down,

154
00:06:35,098 --> 00:06:37,031
but look,
I got all these new bills, dude.

155
00:06:37,033 --> 00:06:39,567
And I-I need a roommate who
can pay his share of the rent.

156
00:06:39,569 --> 00:06:42,170
So what are you saying?
Are you-you kicking me out?

157
00:06:42,172 --> 00:06:44,972
You're not giving me
much of a choice, dude.

158
00:06:46,909 --> 00:06:49,477
Wow. I thought we were friends.

159
00:06:49,479 --> 00:06:50,845
(scoffs)

160
00:06:50,847 --> 00:06:52,947
Well, friends don't spend seven
years freeloading, do they?

161
00:06:52,949 --> 00:06:55,850
Freeloading? I do tons of stuff for you.

162
00:06:55,852 --> 00:06:59,453
I wake you up in the morning for work,

163
00:06:59,455 --> 00:07:03,558
I cook, I wash the dish.

164
00:07:06,003 --> 00:07:06,928
Thank you.

165
00:07:06,930 --> 00:07:09,530
But is any of that gonna
help me pay for college?

166
00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:13,301
Well, if that's how you feel,

167
00:07:13,303 --> 00:07:16,370
I'll gather my things and leave.

168
00:07:22,645 --> 00:07:25,980
- These are all your things.
- Yeah, I just realized that.

169
00:07:25,982 --> 00:07:29,717
Okay, well, you know what,
packing will be a breeze.

170
00:07:29,719 --> 00:07:33,020
May I borrow a suitcase?

171
00:07:34,735 --> 00:07:36,867
Look, you ain't got to leave
right this second.

172
00:07:36,902 --> 00:07:37,688
Where you gonna stay?

173
00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:39,093
Mm-mm. Don't worry about me.

174
00:07:39,095 --> 00:07:42,463
I don't need your help.
I don't need anybody's help.

175
00:07:42,465 --> 00:07:44,332
I need your help.

176
00:07:44,956 --> 00:07:46,968
It's after midnight. What's going on?

177
00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:48,202
Franco kicked me out.

178
00:07:48,204 --> 00:07:50,504
So either I sleep on your
couch or in a Dumpster.

179
00:07:50,506 --> 00:07:52,573
I recommend the one
behind the mattress shop.

180
00:07:52,575 --> 00:07:53,608
Hey, hey!

181
00:07:53,610 --> 00:07:55,610
This is all your fault.

182
00:07:55,612 --> 00:07:57,612
You're the reason he turned against me.

183
00:07:57,614 --> 00:08:02,049
With all your crazy ideas about
me being useful and productive.

184
00:08:02,051 --> 00:08:04,151
All right, fine. You've got three days.

185
00:08:04,153 --> 00:08:05,987
- (crash)
- Sorry!

186
00:08:05,989 --> 00:08:08,756
You've got two days.

187
00:08:16,070 --> 00:08:19,290
Hello, Arthur.
I will have a maple cream, please.

188
00:08:19,292 --> 00:08:22,894
We're doing self-serve today.

189
00:08:22,896 --> 00:08:24,996
Just grab a donut, leave the money.

190
00:08:24,998 --> 00:08:26,397
What about my change?

191
00:08:26,399 --> 00:08:29,734
Just take it out of the Cancer Fund box.

192
00:08:31,905 --> 00:08:34,072
What's wrong? Why are you so out of it?

193
00:08:34,074 --> 00:08:36,774
Sweatpants kept me up all damn night.

194
00:08:36,776 --> 00:08:39,110
You could've warned me
about the sleepwalking.

195
00:08:40,224 --> 00:08:42,313
And also the sleep eating.

196
00:08:42,315 --> 00:08:43,548
Well, you know what he's never done

197
00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:45,083
is "sleep pay the cable bill."

198
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,081
Thank God he's only
staying another two days.

199
00:08:48,121 --> 00:08:50,655
Hey, look, I feel bad
kicking him out, you know,

200
00:08:50,657 --> 00:08:51,622
but I need the cash.

201
00:08:51,624 --> 00:08:54,046
And I already found a new roommate
off the bulletin board at my school.

202
00:08:54,094 --> 00:08:56,127
The dude Venmo'd me two months'
rent already.

203
00:08:56,129 --> 00:08:59,163
- Is he a husky Polynesian fella?
- How'd you know?

204
00:08:59,165 --> 00:09:00,965
He's staring at you through the window.

205
00:09:03,937 --> 00:09:06,137
(chuckles) Zale!

206
00:09:06,139 --> 00:09:07,672
I didn't want to intrude.

207
00:09:08,472 --> 00:09:10,508
I invited you, man.
Come here, bring it in.

208
00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:11,742
Uh, germs.

209
00:09:14,547 --> 00:09:17,515
Different germs.

210
00:09:18,815 --> 00:09:20,718
Well, anyway, I got your key.

211
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,954
Oh, just drop it in.

212
00:09:28,357 --> 00:09:29,193
Anyway, um...

213
00:09:29,195 --> 00:09:31,062
Do you want a donut on the house?

214
00:09:31,064 --> 00:09:32,964
Oh, no, slippery slope.

215
00:09:32,966 --> 00:09:34,906
You give me something free,
then you'll come to where I work

216
00:09:34,935 --> 00:09:37,201
- and expect a free sandwich.
- Ooh!

217
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:39,837
So you get free sandwiches, huh?
That's dope.

218
00:09:39,839 --> 00:09:42,006
So it begins.

219
00:09:42,008 --> 00:09:43,207
Well...

220
00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:44,275
I'm off.

221
00:09:44,277 --> 00:09:46,444
You certainly are.

222
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:58,256
Okay, he's a little weird.

223
00:09:59,070 --> 00:10:03,027
He's getting into an
Uber through the sunroof.

224
00:10:04,831 --> 00:10:08,966
Yeah, but he can afford that Uber, hmm?
And rent.

225
00:10:08,968 --> 00:10:10,334
Good advice, Arthur.

226
00:10:10,336 --> 00:10:14,605
Aw, he's asleep.

227
00:10:14,607 --> 00:10:16,807
Yes, asleep.

228
00:10:18,344 --> 00:10:20,344
Oh, no, we have a problem.

229
00:10:20,346 --> 00:10:22,901
My ex just texted me. He's in Paris.

230
00:10:22,936 --> 00:10:23,681
So?

231
00:10:23,683 --> 00:10:26,217
His hotel is right on the same block

232
00:10:26,219 --> 00:10:28,953
as the café you checked me in.

233
00:10:31,594 --> 00:10:33,324
He wants me to meet him there.

234
00:10:33,326 --> 00:10:36,761
Okay, don't get
your baguettes in a twist.

235
00:10:37,265 --> 00:10:39,964
Text him back,
say you're just leaving for a rendezvous

236
00:10:39,966 --> 00:10:42,200
with a tall, dark Frenchman.

237
00:10:42,202 --> 00:10:44,101
- (phone rings)
- Oh, no. It's too late.

238
00:10:44,103 --> 00:10:46,137
He's calling, and if I don't answer,

239
00:10:46,139 --> 00:10:47,738
it's gonna seem suspicious.

240
00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:51,142
Sacrebleu!
We're going live from Cafe L'Argent!

241
00:10:51,144 --> 00:10:53,411
Uh, everybody act French!

242
00:10:53,413 --> 00:10:55,346
Uh,<i> allo.</i>

243
00:10:55,348 --> 00:10:56,647
- Not you!
- Oh, oh.

244
00:10:56,649 --> 00:10:58,349
Hello. Hi. What's up?

245
00:10:58,351 --> 00:11:00,952
- Uh, Cirque du Soleil! Ooh-la-la!
- Uh,

246
00:11:00,954 --> 00:11:03,154
- Gérard Depardieu!
- Oh.

247
00:11:03,156 --> 00:11:05,723
(French accent): Oh, yes,
it certainly is 8:30 here in France!

248
00:11:05,725 --> 00:11:09,327
Oh, so, you want to...
you want to swing by the café?

249
00:11:09,329 --> 00:11:10,595
Uh, oh, no!

250
00:11:10,597 --> 00:11:12,830
Madame, I just spilled
some French food on you!

251
00:11:12,832 --> 00:11:16,234
Oh, oh, no, what a mess!

252
00:11:16,236 --> 00:11:18,269
I think I'm gonna have to go change.

253
00:11:18,271 --> 00:11:21,706
I-I'm so sorry I won't
be able to see you.

254
00:11:21,708 --> 00:11:23,841
- Au revoir.
- Au revoir.

255
00:11:23,843 --> 00:11:25,509
(relieved sigh)

256
00:11:26,292 --> 00:11:28,346
We meet again, Malthazar.

257
00:11:28,348 --> 00:11:30,381
The golden chalice...

258
00:11:30,383 --> 00:11:32,650
shall be mine.

259
00:11:32,652 --> 00:11:35,019
En garde!

260
00:11:35,021 --> 00:11:37,355
(grunts)

261
00:11:37,357 --> 00:11:39,156
Wow. That felt real.

262
00:11:40,041 --> 00:11:41,192
Is this what you've been doing all day?

263
00:11:41,194 --> 00:11:42,693
Hey, Arthur.

264
00:11:42,695 --> 00:11:44,061
Nah, it's a virtual reality game

265
00:11:44,063 --> 00:11:46,631
that transports you into
a medieval fantasy world.

266
00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:48,232
- You got to try it. Come on.
- No, no, don't put

267
00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:51,135
that thing on me...
I don't want your stupid... Whoa!

268
00:11:51,137 --> 00:11:53,871
- Yeah.
- Half man, half horse.

269
00:11:53,873 --> 00:11:55,740
Oh. He's so beautiful.

270
00:11:55,742 --> 00:11:57,408
- (chuckles)
- Hey, come on,

271
00:11:57,410 --> 00:11:59,277
Arthur, come and sit and play, man.

272
00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:01,879
You know what goes great
with dragon slaying?

273
00:12:01,881 --> 00:12:03,281
Nachos and beer.

274
00:12:03,283 --> 00:12:05,049
(chuckles): Yeah.

275
00:12:05,051 --> 00:12:06,384
Oh, thank you.

276
00:12:06,386 --> 00:12:09,053
Whoa, this is absolutely amazing!

277
00:12:09,055 --> 00:12:11,522
Yeah. I'm glad
you're enjoying it, roomie.

278
00:12:12,892 --> 00:12:14,625
Oh, by the way, you know how I said

279
00:12:14,627 --> 00:12:16,460
I was gonna move in
with my cousin Bruce?

280
00:12:16,462 --> 00:12:18,462
Well, he's out of town, so is it cool

281
00:12:18,464 --> 00:12:21,599
- if I stay with you another couple of weeks?
- Sure. Why not?

282
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:22,833
Whoa!

283
00:12:22,835 --> 00:12:24,735
Check out the figure
on that fairy princess.

284
00:12:24,737 --> 00:12:26,604
Who needs<i> real</i> women? Am I right?

285
00:12:26,606 --> 00:12:28,172
(laughing)

286
00:12:28,174 --> 00:12:31,008
(English accent): No offense, milady.

287
00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:34,912
♪ ♪

288
00:12:35,592 --> 00:12:37,548
Franco, why are you so late?

289
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,417
I spent all night in urgent care,

290
00:12:39,419 --> 00:12:41,952
'cause it turns out Zale
is allergic to lettuce.

291
00:12:43,189 --> 00:12:45,256
P.S. I'm his emergency contact now.

292
00:12:45,258 --> 00:12:48,380
Well, at least your money
situation is taken care of.

293
00:12:48,415 --> 00:12:49,627
I guess so.

294
00:12:49,629 --> 00:12:50,695
Well, speaking of roommates,

295
00:12:50,697 --> 00:12:52,296
did Sweatpants find a place to live yet?

296
00:12:52,298 --> 00:12:54,065
Well, actually,
he's gonna be staying with me

297
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:57,268
for a couple more weeks,
and then he's gonna be moving in with...

298
00:12:57,270 --> 00:12:58,336
His cousin Bruce?

299
00:12:58,338 --> 00:13:00,004
- How did you know?
- That dude

300
00:13:00,006 --> 00:13:02,006
has been talking about moving
in with his cousin Bruce

301
00:13:02,008 --> 00:13:03,474
for the last seven years, man.

302
00:13:03,476 --> 00:13:04,942
- What?!
- Yeah.

303
00:13:04,944 --> 00:13:06,644
Hey-hey-hey, roomie!

304
00:13:07,445 --> 00:13:08,546
Oh.

305
00:13:08,548 --> 00:13:10,514
Hello.

306
00:13:11,351 --> 00:13:13,150
Sweatpants.

307
00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:15,186
You look well.

308
00:13:16,255 --> 00:13:18,155
As do you.

309
00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:20,558
By the way, Arthur and I

310
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,660
have been playing a lot
of<i> Medieval Dead</i> lately.

311
00:13:22,662 --> 00:13:23,694
Oh.

312
00:13:23,696 --> 00:13:25,963
Malthazar says hark.

313
00:13:26,799 --> 00:13:27,998
Malthazar?

314
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,167
You... you got to level 19 without me?

315
00:13:30,169 --> 00:13:31,569
Where was the key?

316
00:13:31,571 --> 00:13:33,704
- The gargoyle had it the whole time.
- (grunts)

317
00:13:33,706 --> 00:13:37,375
He wanted a hundred coins, but...
Arthur talked him down.

318
00:13:38,112 --> 00:13:39,443
Congratulations to the both of you.

319
00:13:39,445 --> 00:13:40,811
Mm-hmm.

320
00:13:40,813 --> 00:13:41,979
SWEATPANTS: Great news.

321
00:13:41,981 --> 00:13:45,483
<i>Medieval Dead 2</i> is dropping next Friday!

322
00:13:45,485 --> 00:13:48,352
Sweatpants, you're not gonna be
living in my place next Friday.

323
00:13:48,354 --> 00:13:51,355
So we're moving?

324
00:13:51,357 --> 00:13:53,057
Sit down.

325
00:13:53,059 --> 00:13:55,059
Listen.

326
00:13:55,779 --> 00:13:57,027
Why can't you get a job?

327
00:13:57,029 --> 00:14:00,998
(sighs) I've had jobs,
but I always get bored.

328
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,199
And I ask myself,

329
00:14:02,201 --> 00:14:04,101
is this what I want to do
for the rest of my life?

330
00:14:04,103 --> 00:14:06,637
So far the answer's been,
"No way, José."

331
00:14:07,619 --> 00:14:09,874
That was actually just my
last job at The Burger Barn.

332
00:14:09,876 --> 00:14:12,510
José was the manager.

333
00:14:12,512 --> 00:14:15,279
You know,
that sounds like a cop-out to me.

334
00:14:15,281 --> 00:14:17,281
That's easy for you to say...
you've got donuts,

335
00:14:17,283 --> 00:14:18,949
and Franco's got his art.

336
00:14:18,951 --> 00:14:21,585
(sighs) You guys found your thing,
and...

337
00:14:22,721 --> 00:14:23,921
I got nothing.

338
00:14:24,642 --> 00:14:27,591
You think I was born with
a passion for donuts?

339
00:14:27,593 --> 00:14:30,127
I just needed a job.

340
00:14:30,129 --> 00:14:32,062
But I found some things
I loved about it.

341
00:14:32,064 --> 00:14:36,767
Like running my own business
and-and making people happy.

342
00:14:37,681 --> 00:14:39,904
So if I stick with any
lame-ass job that comes along,

343
00:14:39,906 --> 00:14:42,072
I'll find my passion?

344
00:14:42,074 --> 00:14:43,541
I don't know, but...

345
00:14:43,543 --> 00:14:46,277
you're certainly not gonna
find it sitting on a couch.

346
00:14:46,279 --> 00:14:48,379
TUSH: Arthur's right.

347
00:14:48,381 --> 00:14:51,749
Any job can be fulfilling if
you've got the right attitude.

348
00:14:51,751 --> 00:14:53,217
Why, just last week,

349
00:14:53,219 --> 00:14:56,454
I had a gig cleaning out
a dead guy's apartment.

350
00:14:56,456 --> 00:14:59,223
Turns out we had the same size shoe.

351
00:15:00,092 --> 00:15:01,358
His soul's in Heaven,

352
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:05,396
and his soles are also on my feet.

353
00:15:14,862 --> 00:15:16,929
Are you guys sure this
one isn't over the top?

354
00:15:16,931 --> 00:15:19,865
- A lot of people go to the Vatican.
- Yeah,

355
00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:23,969
but do a lot of people ride
shotgun in the popemobile?

356
00:15:26,288 --> 00:15:28,974
Hey, if your ex is gonna
ride a dolphin in Sardinia,

357
00:15:28,976 --> 00:15:30,576
you're gonna do him one better.

358
00:15:30,578 --> 00:15:31,877
Welcome to Rome.

359
00:15:31,879 --> 00:15:33,045
SOFIA: Oh, my God,

360
00:15:33,047 --> 00:15:35,047
are you guys still doing this?

361
00:15:35,049 --> 00:15:37,416
- (computer dings)
- Is that another "like"?

362
00:15:37,418 --> 00:15:39,785
No. My daughter just tagged me

363
00:15:39,787 --> 00:15:43,122
in a photo of us having
breakfast this morning.

364
00:15:43,124 --> 00:15:44,189
In Rome?

365
00:15:44,191 --> 00:15:45,891
In a Denny's.

366
00:15:46,498 --> 00:15:47,993
In Rome?

367
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:52,031
All right, don't panic...
we can save this.

368
00:15:52,033 --> 00:15:54,066
Randy, what are you trying to prove?

369
00:15:54,068 --> 00:15:57,836
You know, I guess I just wanted
to be the first one to move on.

370
00:15:57,838 --> 00:16:00,272
To have a cool new life.

371
00:16:00,274 --> 00:16:01,874
You<i> do</i> have a cool life.

372
00:16:01,876 --> 00:16:03,776
You have a beautiful daughter,

373
00:16:03,778 --> 00:16:06,211
you're a cop, which is badass...

374
00:16:06,756 --> 00:16:09,348
and you have friends who
would do anything for you.

375
00:16:09,350 --> 00:16:11,417
Yeah, without us,
you'd have never done body shots

376
00:16:11,419 --> 00:16:14,753
with the Italian women's soccer team.

377
00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:17,856
All this social media stuff
just makes you depressed.

378
00:16:17,858 --> 00:16:20,325
It makes you feel like you're
missing out on something,

379
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:23,595
but what you're really
missing out on is all of this.

380
00:16:30,671 --> 00:16:33,439
Oh, you're right.

381
00:16:33,441 --> 00:16:35,808
You guys, thank you so much.

382
00:16:35,810 --> 00:16:37,443
Thanks.

383
00:16:37,445 --> 00:16:39,078
This was actually a lot of fun.

384
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,881
You know, the three of us should
take a trip for real sometime.

385
00:16:42,883 --> 00:16:44,583
- Oh. That's a good idea.
- Yeah.

386
00:16:44,585 --> 00:16:47,419
- That would be fun. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we could do that.

387
00:16:47,421 --> 00:16:49,288
It's not gonna happen, is it?

388
00:16:49,290 --> 00:16:50,823
God, no.

389
00:16:52,326 --> 00:16:53,792
Oh. Hey, Franco.

390
00:16:53,794 --> 00:16:55,527
Isn't this your day off?

391
00:16:55,529 --> 00:16:57,229
Yeah. Thought I'd pick up a few hours.

392
00:16:57,231 --> 00:16:58,230
Got nothing else to do.

393
00:16:58,232 --> 00:17:00,833
Aw. You miss Sweatpants, don't you?

394
00:17:00,835 --> 00:17:02,901
I'm sorry, who-pants?

395
00:17:03,737 --> 00:17:06,105
And now he's freeloading off of Arthur.

396
00:17:06,107 --> 00:17:07,406
He'll never change.

397
00:17:07,408 --> 00:17:09,041
Actually, that's not true.

398
00:17:09,043 --> 00:17:11,310
Okay, what are you talking about?

399
00:17:11,312 --> 00:17:12,845
You know what? Let me show you.

400
00:17:12,847 --> 00:17:14,213
Come with me.

401
00:17:14,215 --> 00:17:15,214
- Okay.
- Come on.

402
00:17:15,216 --> 00:17:17,983
Hey, Tush. Mind the shop.

403
00:17:17,985 --> 00:17:19,451
You know, it's very unprofessional

404
00:17:19,453 --> 00:17:22,354
that Arthur leaves the
store completely unattended.

405
00:17:22,356 --> 00:17:24,690
He just left me in charge.

406
00:17:26,293 --> 00:17:28,026
Like I said.

407
00:17:31,565 --> 00:17:35,734
Fawz, when's the last time
you were at your dry cleaners?

408
00:17:36,670 --> 00:17:38,403
I got to go.

409
00:17:40,674 --> 00:17:43,342
♪ ♪

410
00:17:44,852 --> 00:17:45,644
SWEATPANTS: All right,

411
00:17:45,646 --> 00:17:48,046
here you go, Mrs. Culver.

412
00:17:48,048 --> 00:17:50,015
Orange chamomile with
a little bit of honey,

413
00:17:50,017 --> 00:17:52,918
- just how you like it.
- Thank you, Sweet Pants.

414
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,586
That's Sweatpants.

415
00:17:54,588 --> 00:17:56,922
- I know.
- (chuckles)

416
00:17:56,924 --> 00:17:58,757
Mrs. Culver, you better watch it, now.

417
00:17:58,759 --> 00:17:59,992
(chuckles)

418
00:17:59,994 --> 00:18:02,227
I can't believe it...
he actually took the job.

419
00:18:02,229 --> 00:18:04,429
Yep. Four days ago.

420
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,698
- Doing pretty good, huh?
- Yeah.

421
00:18:08,302 --> 00:18:09,701
Can I help you?

422
00:18:09,703 --> 00:18:11,170
- I'm here for Sweatpants.
- Oh...

423
00:18:11,172 --> 00:18:13,238
Are your legs cold?

424
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,407
- Wha...? No, no.
- Oh, let me take you

425
00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:17,543
- back to your room.
- No, you don't understand.

426
00:18:17,545 --> 00:18:18,844
I don't live here.

427
00:18:18,846 --> 00:18:21,880
Come on. I'll give you some pudding.

428
00:18:21,882 --> 00:18:24,049
What flavor we talking?

429
00:18:24,051 --> 00:18:27,019
Franco. What are you doing here?

430
00:18:27,021 --> 00:18:28,954
Well, Arthur told me about your new job,

431
00:18:28,956 --> 00:18:30,756
and I thought I'd drop by.

432
00:18:30,758 --> 00:18:32,024
It's not perfect, but...

433
00:18:32,026 --> 00:18:34,560
I'm gonna start from the bottom,
work my way up.

434
00:18:34,562 --> 00:18:37,462
Which is also how I give sponge baths.

435
00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:39,631
I'm gonna stick it out.

436
00:18:40,634 --> 00:18:43,068
So... you don't think you
might get tired of it?

437
00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:44,303
No.

438
00:18:44,305 --> 00:18:47,673
Even if I did,
there are literally beds everywhere.

439
00:18:49,009 --> 00:18:50,842
Congratulations, man.

440
00:18:50,844 --> 00:18:52,978
Thanks.

441
00:18:52,980 --> 00:18:56,081
I was pretty mad at
you for kicking me out.

442
00:18:56,083 --> 00:18:58,817
But the truth is, you were right.

443
00:18:58,819 --> 00:19:01,587
Well... now you're making steady cash,

444
00:19:01,589 --> 00:19:04,256
so you<i> can</i> move back in with me.

445
00:19:04,258 --> 00:19:07,559
I appreciate that, man,
but I don't think so.

446
00:19:07,561 --> 00:19:10,395
It feels pretty good
standing on my own two feet.

447
00:19:10,397 --> 00:19:12,831
I'm even looking at
getting a place of my own.

448
00:19:12,833 --> 00:19:14,333
- Yeah?
- Yeah. And when I get one,

449
00:19:14,335 --> 00:19:17,436
I'll have you over for a few
beers and a home-cooked meal.

450
00:19:17,438 --> 00:19:19,004
Cool, man. What can I bring?

451
00:19:19,006 --> 00:19:22,074
A few beers and a home-cooked meal.

452
00:19:22,938 --> 00:19:25,110
I got to go set up for
the Senior Olympics.

453
00:19:25,112 --> 00:19:27,479
We're starting with the two-yard dash.

454
00:19:27,481 --> 00:19:28,447
(laughs)

455
00:19:28,449 --> 00:19:30,582
All right, man. Have fun, all right?

456
00:19:31,752 --> 00:19:33,252
Things good?

457
00:19:33,254 --> 00:19:35,954
Yeah. Thank you for bringing me here.

458
00:19:35,956 --> 00:19:37,556
You ready to go?

459
00:19:37,558 --> 00:19:39,524
I don't know. Kind of like this place.

460
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:42,928
After I finish my pudding,
they're giving me a sponge bath.

461
00:19:43,489 --> 00:19:45,300
You know,
Sweatpants does the sponge baths.

462
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:47,432
Let's get out of here.

463
00:19:57,251 --> 00:19:58,304
ARTHUR: Hey, Franco.

464
00:19:58,306 --> 00:19:59,505
Isn't that your roommate?

465
00:20:00,375 --> 00:20:01,707
Ooh.

466
00:20:05,201 --> 00:20:07,246
I made a copy of the mail key,
so I brought back yours.

467
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:09,248
Cool. Give me it. Where's it at?

468
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,517
In here.

469
00:20:14,089 --> 00:20:16,956
I'll get it later.

470
00:20:18,159 --> 00:20:20,793
(laughs): It's SpongeBath Sweatpants.

471
00:20:22,279 --> 00:20:24,013
- How was work?
- It was good.

472
00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:26,045
My ride on the "L" was even better.

473
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,667
A woman asked me if I was a doctor,

474
00:20:27,669 --> 00:20:30,269
and I got her number. (chuckles)

475
00:20:31,121 --> 00:20:33,673
- Only six digits there, buddy.
- Oh.

476
00:20:34,482 --> 00:20:36,876
Eh. It wouldn't have worked out anyway.

477
00:20:37,178 --> 00:20:41,313
Some guy had a seizure,
and I had to perform "CPR".

478
00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:42,882
He survived, even though all I did

479
00:20:42,884 --> 00:20:44,966
was rub his chest and yell "clear!"

480
00:20:45,610 --> 00:20:48,587
Hey, yo, hey, meet my new roommate,
Zale. Zale, this is Sweatpants.

481
00:20:48,589 --> 00:20:50,389
Yo, what up, Zale? How you doing, man?

482
00:20:50,391 --> 00:20:52,158
Ah, you work at a nursing home.

483
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:53,452
Let me know if you
need any false teeth...

484
00:20:53,495 --> 00:20:55,661
I make them as a hobby.

485
00:20:58,348 --> 00:20:59,865
I'm gonna go.

486
00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:01,500
All right, man.

487
00:21:01,502 --> 00:21:03,536
(quietly): Hey.
I'm gonna miss you so much.

488
00:21:29,817 --> 00:21:31,913
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