Oh, no, forget it.
Great. The guy at the marina said my motor just burned out.
I forgot you had a boat.
I told you I go motorboating every weekend.
I thought that meant something else.
It's gonna cost me $2,000 for a new one, hmm?
Now, how am I gonna come up with money like that?
Why don't you raise your prices?
You haven't done that for a while.
She's right. Your prices are almost as low
as the free donuts at the homeless shelter.
What? It's on my way home from work.
When was the last time you raised your prices?
I think it was during the Bush era.
RANDY: Which Bush?
Father? Son?
Burning?
No, I'm not doing that.
I-I'm afraid I'm gonna scare away my customers.
But the neighborhood is gentrifying.
These new people can afford it.
They have money to burn.
Just around the corner, they opened up a new cheese store.
So?
It's for cats!
I-I got to think about this pricing thing.
I'll be back.
Good morning. What can I get you?
I don't know.
- What's good today? - Huh, let's see.
Well, if you're in for something sweet and chocolaty...
I am very uncomfortable with this level of customer service.
Oh, my bad.
Hey, everybody, meet Tavi.
She's a grad student at the art department at Dearborn.
Wow.
Smart, beautiful, artistic.
What you doing with this guy?
(laughs)
You must be Randy.
Franco's told me all about you guys.
You must be Tush, and...
you're the greedy slumlord.
Hey.
I'm also a greedy dry cleaner.
(mouths)
Here you go. So, uh, what we doing tonight?
'Cause I was in the mood for something free.
Ah.
Tempting, but I'm busy.
I bet I could think of some way to make it up to you tomorrow.
What, with, like, sex and stuff?
(groans)
Fine.
I'll walk you out.
What do you guys think "stuff" is?
I think it's nachos.
ARTHUR: Okay, I've reached a decision.
I'm gonna raise my prices.
Oh, well, that's progress.
Next step, stop referring to Wi-Fi as "witchcraft."
What kind of price hike we talking?
Well, everything's just gone up 20 cents.
All right, ten cents.
A nickel.
Hey.
Would you come with me next time I buy a car?
♪ ♪
Look at this.
They found another head on Lake Shore Drive.
I wonder if it matches the torso over on Clark.
Or that ear they found on Sheffield.
Yeah, it's like a bloody Mr. Potato Head.
ARTHUR: Hey, morning, Tush.
- The usual? - No. Swimsuit season's coming,
so half my usual.
Three glazed, coming up.
Oh, Tush, uh, that'll be another 15 cents.
Remember, I raised my prices today?
Oh, right, no problem.
Can you spot me 20 cents?
Oh. He only needs 15.
Well, I don't know about you, cheapskate, but I tip.
Hey, Franco.
FRANCO: Tavi.
Hey, Sweatpants, Arthur, Sofia, meet Tavi.
Hi. Sofia.
I love the blue in your hair.
Thanks. I love your green.
Oh, that's kale.
I lost the lid on my blender.
So, we were in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd swing by
and show off my new man.
- (chuckles) - Patrick, Jasmine,
- this is Franco. - What's up?
Hello. Oh, don't be offended if Jasmine doesn't speak.
She's taken a vow of silence for her performance art project.
How do I get my wife into performance art?
Hi, um, I'm Arthur.
PATRICK: Tavi, doesn't he look
just like the groundskeeper on your parents' island?
What... your parents have an island?
And a handsome groundskeeper?
So, what, is your family rich or something?
Well, my dad's done pretty well.
He runs a hedge fund.
SWEATPANTS: My dad had a hedge fund.
He was saving to buy clippers to trim our hedge.
Yeah, we had a hedge.
(chuckles)
Oh, don't forget, uh, my art show starts tonight at 7:00.
7:00 it is.
P.S., we also had a shrub.
FRANCO: Hey.
Sweatpants, all right, it's kind of a big deal, all right?
Not just anybody can get in.
Oh, no, he can come.
It's just a preview. You know, collectors, friends,
and whatever you are.
Oh, well, last night I was the guy at the Genius Bar,
and you were a girl with a very dirty iPad.
(giggles)
I got a role for you to play.
You're the employee who sweeps up the very dirty kitchen.
Thank you, Arthur.
If I ever need to last longer in bed, I'll think of you.
All right.
Ooh.
A three-dollar donut hole?
I'm intrigued.
Ooh, damn it.
Oh, the printer made a typo.
Yes, they did.
It's supposed to say $30,
but because Arthur cares for his customers,
you pay only three.
Fine, I'll take half a dozen.
But no more.
Swimsuit season's coming.
That'll be 18, uh... dollars...
Isn't that a lot of money for donut holes?
This pressed juice cost $12.50.
I'm happy to pay for things that are authentic.
Well, no one is more authentic than Arthur, over here.
Yeah, these donut holes are artisanal, uh,
small-batch...
cruelty-free.
I can taste the craftsmanship.
This flour is definitely locally sifted.
People should know about this place.
Gramming it!
(camera phone clicks)
Well, enjoy your holes.
(scoffs) I can't believe that I got away with that.
RANDY: You know, Arthur,
honest businessmen don't usually refer to a sale
as "getting away with it."
And when we said to raise your prices,
we didn't mean, like, a thousand percent.
She makes a good point.
Hey, it's called capitalism.
You charge what the market will bear.
He's right.
It is called capitalism.
No, it's called taking advantage of people.
Which I hate. It's disgusting.
Taking advantage? He was happy.
And Arthur needs a boat motor.
He's way too old to paddle.
ARTHUR: Y-Yeah,
you know what? Fawz is right. I mean,
if they're willing to pay, who am I to stop them?
I'm just saying, you're gonna regret it.
You'll thank me later.
- Hey. - Yo.
Tavi seems cool.
Mm-hmm.
Too bad it won't last.
What the hell are you talking about?
We have a lot in common, man.
She likes skateboarding, kung fu movies,
and we're both tired of white people talking about Hamilton.
Franco.
She's rich.
Really rich.
And you're not.
Really not.
So?
So all rich girls go through this phase.
She just wants to slum it up with a bad boy.
(scoffs) I'm not a bad boy.
You grew up in the hood, you're a tagger,
you've been arrested.
To a rich girl, you Tupac.
I think what Sweatpants is talking about
is virtue signaling.
You bet I am.
But you might want to spell it out for these folks,
in case they're not as bright as we are.
Well, it's when you hang out with someone
of a lower social status so that people can think
you're more open-minded and progressive.
That's the definition I use.
Okay, that's not what's going on here, all right?
So I'm not letting you and Sweatpants get in my head.
Enjoy your coffee.
So, Sofia, you think Tavi is using Franco?
(chuckles softly)
(singsongy): Sounds like someone's jealous.
Just because Franco and I hooked up a few times
doesn't mean that I'm gonna get all jealous
when he starts seeing someone else.
Or, alternative theory, you're jealous.
I don't need to listen to this.
I'm an intersectional feminist.
Sweatpants, tell them what that is.
Lady crossing guard.
And Sweatpants, you're wrong about Tavi.
She ain't going through no phase.
I just don't want you to get hurt.
Sooner or later, all rich girls end up with rich guys.
Just 'cause she got money, it's not gonna affect
- our relationship. - I don't know.
She could be using you to piss off her dad.
Yeah, I've been the bull in that rodeo plenty of times.
I've pissed off boyfriends, mothers
and a whole lot of people on a webcam I didn't even know about.
(indistinct chatter)
Franco.
Hey, Tavi. Mwah.
Hey, Sweatpants.
Yo, your pieces look amazing.
Yeah, this is trippy.
How much weed do you smoke?
Just edibles.
So, Tavi, will your enchanting friend Jasmine be here?
I was hoping to chat her up.
She will, but don't waste your breath.
She hasn't spoken in six months.
A car ran over her foot, she didn't make a peep.
Really? Well, let's see what happens
when this car runs over her heart.
Oof. Why didn't you tell me this thing was all fancy?
Don't let this intimidate you.
You know what I like to do at these things?
- What? - Play a little game
called "What's Their Deal?"
Pick anyone here.
Okay.
How about that old dude right there with the young lady?
She's in it for the money, he's in it for the kidney.
(laughs) All right.
Okay. What about that dude?
So I said, "If that's a shark, I think I'll buy a submarine."
(group laughs)
I bet the only reason they're laughing
at that corny-ass joke
is 'cause he's the richest dude in the room.
He is.
He's also my dad.
Oh.
Franco, this is my dad Jeffrey.
I think you've mentioned this young man, Octavia.
- Octavia? - Oh, that's right.
Since she started grad school, she's calling herself "Tavi."
Part of her whole bohemian phase.
"Phase," you say.
"Phase," he said.
So, did you two meet at Princeton?
Uh, no, Franco's a freshman at Dearborn.
He's putting himself through school, working full-time,
at a donut shop.
Impressive.
I know, right?
His dad kicked him out when he was 16.
He had to live on the street.
You should speak to my breakfast club.
Can you be in Miami next Tuesday?
Yeah, if I start walking now.
(laughs)
This one's a breath of fresh air.
So what kind of art do you do?
- Well, I... - Oh, he's a street artist.
Fascinating.
Just between you and me, have you ever been arrested?
Do I have the right to remain silent?
(laughs)
I'll take that as a yes. (laughs)
Warren, you got to hear this kid's story.
Actually, uh, I-I got to get going.
But it was nice meeting you, sir.
Good night, Octavia.
Hey. Are you leaving?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Look, you and your dad,
y'all gonna have to find another "bad boy" to show off.
What's that supposed to mean?
It feels like you're using me.
Like I'm some mascot from the hood
that's supposed to show your family and friends
how "woke" you are.
Okay, you don't know me well enough
to speak to me like that.
And that is not who I am, at all.
You're right.
I don't know you.
Or your real name, y-your family background,
or that your dad owns an island.
He doesn't own an island.
He owns a compound, a beach and a reef.
- Okay, that's an island. - That's an island.
But what difference does that make?
I thought we had a connection.
So did I.
I'm just saying,
I love a girl that's soft-spoken.
So we should go get drinks, maybe go dancing...
No!
♪
There you go, a dozen donut holes.
That'll be 36 bucks.
Uh, two dollars for the box.
- Really? - Yeah.
You plant that box, it'll grow into a tree.
Is that true?
No. (chuckles)
Capitalism, it's fun.
This whole time, I thought I was teaching you, but you...
...you were teaching me.
Superior Donuts is one of the last holdouts of old Uptown.
What are you gonna do next?
Sell wheatgrass juice and B-12 shots?
If they be $12, I'm in.
Don't listen to her.
Business is about making money.
Look, Arthur, I'm just saying, this is not who you are.
I know who he is,
a man who can finally afford underwear
for the first time since Watergate.
Yeah.
Hello, Arthur, Randy, Fawz.
Not me.
- Excuse me? - I usually sit over there.
I've asked Arthur to put a plaque that says "Tush's Stool."
For some reason, he won't do it.
- Sorry, got here first. - Oh.
By the way, your hair's on upside down.
You okay?
Absolutely.
Business is booming, that's great.
Arthur's great.
- Everything's great. - Mm.
You just said "great" three times.
I know. Isn't that great?
All right, Arthur.
I got more three-dollar donut holes
for you and your fancy new friends.
Hey, would you mind taking my picture?
And can you get the old guy over my shoulder?
He's so authentic.
(chuckles) Well, yeah. Yeah.
All right.
There you go.
By the way, you look just like that dude from Hamilton.
Look at us, Arthur.
We're both props for rich people.
Hey, come on, what is your problem?
You're cranky all day.
Just hate how money messes people up.
Hey, people with money are just like you!
But better.
- Hey, Franco. - What's up?
What's wrong? Arthur show you his new underwear?
Nah. Broke up with Tavi.
What?
- But I thought you really liked her. - I do.
I did.
Yo, is it weird talking to you about this?
'Cause, you know, we used to...
Teach sign language to gorillas?
We're friends, you idiot. Now tell me what happened.
Okay, so I went to her art preview, right?
And I met her dad,
and I think you were right about that virtue signaling stuff.
Oh, no, no, that's not what I said she was doing.
I was just explaining what Sweatpants was talking about.
Well, then Sweatpants was right.
Did you hear what you just said?
I know. I know, but you should've saw
how she was telling her dad
how I was putting myself through college
and what an amazing achievement it was.
She was saying nice things about you?
What a bitch.
It was her tone,
like she was slumming it with me.
And let's face it, she is.
Oh...
I get it.
You're scared that you don't belong in her world
and that it won't work out, so you dumped her
before she could dump you.
I ain't scared.
Okay, lame, pathetic, insecure...
Okay, go back to "scared."
Look, maybe it won't work out,
but you'll never know if you don't give it a chance.
- You're right. - Yeah.
All right.
Thanks, Sofia.
- 'Kay. - All right.
Hey, Tush. What's wrong?
Arthur show you his new underwear? (laughs)
Yes.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I came to apologize.
Yeah, I acted like a complete ass the other night.
And I'm sorry.
It just felt like, you know, I was your little project,
and you were Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side.
You thought I was judging you?
When the second you found out I had money,
you started making all these assumptions about me.
I know. It just felt like you were showing me off
for your friends and your-your dad.
I was!
Because you're interesting.
You really think that just because I have money,
I can't appreciate you for who you are?
And I knew my dad would love your stories
because he's really into street art,
which you would have known
if you would have actually talked to him
instead of just writing him off.
I'm sorry.
I am, too.
I really like you, but if you can't figure out
how to be comfortable around me and my family,
this is never gonna work out.
Mr. St. Clair, I hear you like street art.
- Franco, actually, I do. - Yeah?
I got a story for you.
Um, this one time,
I climbed out of the 20th story window
to paint this black Jesus
on the side of the Hammersmith Building.
I own that building.
Want to hear another story?
- Uh... - So, that was you.
I liked it.
I painted over it and fired the security guard,
but it showed a lot of talent.
Did Tavi tell you I have an original Banksy?
What?
Really? Yo, I'd love to see that.
It's in London.
Oh. I'm not a strong swimmer,
but if the tides are right, I can make it there by July.
(laughs)
If you want to go to London, we do have a plane.
Oh. Like the Avengers?
That's nice, Dad, but I don't know if this "bad boy"
will feel comfortable riding in a private jet.
I-I can, I can suck it up for you.
(laughs)
Hey, look at this.
The Cubs lost another starting pitcher.
Yeah, I refuse to watch any sport
that doesn't include women.
What's this guy's problem?
I don't see a guy, I see a person.
- Gender is fluid. - (scoffs)
I'm out.
There you are.
I'm here because I forgot my umbrella.
Hey, come on. I miss you guys.
Where you been for the last two days?
Oh, just a lot of gigs and stuff, you know.
Hey, wait a minute. What's that on your face?
Is that powdered sugar?
No. No.
It's, uh, it's cocaine.
Yeah, I, uh, really been getting into the old nose candy.
Oh, really?
No. We were at Excellent Donuts.
- What? - Yeah.
Because they sell cocaine there.
No, it's because it's quiet
and not crawling with hipsters.
So you guys are gonna bail on me
just because I want to make a little money?
I might be out of line here,
but don't you already have everything you need?
I mean, you own the building.
And you don't actually need that boat motor till the spring.
TUSH: If you needed underwear,
you could have just borrowed some from me.
Arthur, I've been coming here my whole life.
And I always thought you loved this place...
(humming "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
...not because you were gonna get rich,
but because you got to spend every day with your friends.
- Tush! - Sorry.
- Ugh. - Sorry.
I'm just saying,
this place is more than a business to us.
It's like a second home.
I think you feel the same.
All right, attention!
I got an announcement to make.
I'm lowering the price of the donut holes to 30 cents.
Why?
Because the flour's not locally-sifted.
I buy it from China by the metric ton.
And then I throw in some white sugar and lard,
and deep-fry the living crap out of it.
What is this doing to my body?
I don't know, but it's nothing good.
Take a look at him.
I turn 23 next week.
Arthur, what's happening?
The suckers are leaving.
Oh, who cares? Let somebody else rip them off.
You know why I wake up at 4:00 every morning?
To pee?
No, that's at 3:00.
I wake up at 4:00 to make the best damn donuts
in Chicago for the best damn people in Chicago.
(all cheering)
Free donut holes on me.
Oh, Arthur, that was amazing.
How did you think up all that stuff
about the lard and all the garbage that you use?
What do you mean, "think up"? That's my recipe.
Oh.
You did say "free," right?
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com