So, what are you working on?
Since I'm the newest detective they stuck me with the cold cases.
This couple was dismembered while they slept.
Ugh. Till death did they part.
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out who did it.
Hello. What do we have here?
- A clue? - The lamp.
This would look so good in my living room.
Randy, now that you're a detective,
can I be your streetwise sidekick that busts heads and takes names?
Because I don't play by the rules, lady.
Yeah, I work alone.
That's how all buddy cop movies start.
I can't wait for the part where you have to handcuff me
to the steering wheel.
ARTHUR: Hey, guys! Where'd you go to lunch?
Shaw's. And look, I brought you something.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Oh, my favorite.
Free Sweet'N Low.
Thanks, Franco. Or should I say Tavi?
It was my idea.
Yeah, you can't afford Shaw's on what you make here.
I pay for some stuff, too.
I left a pretty generous tip for the bathroom attendant.
They don't have bathroom attendants.
Oh. Then I paid some dude five bucks to watch me pee.
That is the going rate.
So, Arthur, you're a Cubs fan, right?
Am I a Cubs fan? Am I a Cubs fan?
Let me show you my Cubs tattoo.
- No, no, no, no, no. - No, no, that's good. That's okay.
My dad has a box at Wrigley,
but he's gonna be in London for a week in May.
Do you want it?
Do I want a box at Wri... Oh, thank you.
She's a keeper.
Hey, listen, uh,
the next time you go to Shaw's,
we're running low on toilet paper.
Okay.
Uh-oh, Sofia's here.
Why are you talking like that?
Well, because, you know,
you and Sofia, and now you and Tavi...
Had sex?
I was gonna say "wacka wacka,"
but that works, too.
What are you guys talking about?
Arthur thinks it's awkward 'cause you and I used to hook up,
and now I'm dating Tavi.
Oh. Why would that be awkward?
I don't get your generation.
When I met one of Joanie's ole beaus,
I'd tell him to scram
before I gave him a knuckle sandwich.
(chuckling)
I feel like I got older just listening to that sentence.
So, times have changed, thank God.
- Here you go. - SOFIA: Yeah, it's so not a big deal.
We didn't even have a relationship.
And Franco was totally honest and up-front about it,
which I really appreciate.
I enjoy comparing notes with my lovers.
Each new partner is like a blank canvas,
and I want to know exactly how they want to be painted.
Well, I'm gonna go.
Uh, don't forget we have that Jay-Z concert tonight.
Oh, right, right, right. Bye, baby.
Well, look at you, Mr. Fancy, seeing Jay-Z
Ain't that fancy.
I didn't even know he was in town.
Well, he's not. He's actually in Philadelphia.
We're taking her dad's private jet to get there.
Sometimes he lets me steer.
Yeah, well, it must be nice having a rich girlfriend.
She's buying you stuff.
Maybe she can get you a decent haircut.
(chuckles)
Actually, Tavi likes my hair.
And who the hell are you?
Oh, I think you know.
(chuckles)
It's me, Fawz!
From the donut shop!
Oh, what the hell? Is it Iraqi Halloween?
It looks great, but you're still not getting
through airport security.
No. It has come to my attention
that one of the workers at my sandwich shop
has been stealing.
So I'm going to pose as a worker
to find the culprit and have them eliminated.
You mean fired.
Sure, let's go with that.
I cannot have a thief working at Rub-A-Dub Sub.
By the way, that's a terrible name for a sub shop.
What? It's named after the original owner,
Raheem Rubadub.
So, how much money have they taken?
So far, it's just cheese.
But it's still stealing.
And if we don't have trust and honesty, we have nothing.
Okay, I'm off to go trick those stupid bastards.
This is gonna be fun.
It's fun firing someone who's making minimum wage?
Oh, Randy, you get me.
So...
private jet to Philadelphia... can I date her?
Heh, heh. Well, it does sound nice, right?
It's weird that Tavi does all this fancy stuff for me,
but I kinda feel bad that I can't do anything for her.
Well, did you tell her it bugs you?
Yeah, I tried, but then she gave me this shirt,
- and it's so comfortable. - (Sofia laughs)
Well, there's lots of stuff you can do for her.
Just take her somewhere you can afford.
Ha! There's only two places I can afford...
my apartment and this place.
And my apartment doesn't have free donuts.
This place doesn't have free donuts either, you know.
I don't know, what if she don't want
to hang out in my crappy little apartment?
You won't know until you ask,
and if you don't ask, it'll bother you more and more.
Hey, I really want you and Tavi to make it.
Ooh. If you get her pregnant, we can go to the All-Star Game.
♪ ♪
You get a ten-minute break every two hours,
but if you want to step outside and have a smoke,
I'll look the other way.
Uh, ha ha, but I'm getting paid for that time.
Isn't that stealing from the sexy and benevolent owner?
Don't worry about him, I'm the boss.
That's right, you are the boss,
and I am the employee, and my name is Brian.
(chuckles)
Hello. I'm in the mood for a sandwich,
Brian.
Of course.
(quietly): What are you doing here?
I wanted to see if you needed any help.
Maybe get a free sub.
Also, Arthur asked me to steal some napkins.
What kind of bread would you like, sir?
Uh, top part pumpernickel, toasted,
bottom part white, room temp.
Certainly, sir, I will get that
with absolutely no resentment whatsoever.
- So, any leads in the case of the missing cheese? - Not yet.
But I'm gonna find the culprit by the end of the day.
Why are you in such a hurry?
Because I rented the wig.
Hey, new guy, you want to grab a beer after work
and watch the game?
Oh, you mean like a friend?
Yeah.
No.
Let me ask you.
Do you know who's taking the cheese?
You're not gonna get any information out of anybody if you act like that.
You've got to build up the relationship.
Act friendly. Ask about their lives.
Back off, Tush, I got this.
Everything okay?
Everything's dandy, ma'am.
I'd love some condiments.
How about some mayo?
A little more.
Little more.
Teeny bit more.
Ah! That's too much.
All right, so let me give you a tour of the apartment
That's my media room, dining room, my kitchen.
Weird-ass roommate.
Hello, I'm Zale.
- Hey, I'm Tavi. - No.
Eh, wish I could.
She's just not getting it.
Yeah, um...
He's kind of a germophobe.
- And you said you wouldn't be here. - Don't worry,
I'm leaving soon. Just as soon
as I sterilize my tongue scraper.
I'm sorry about Zale, man. He-He kind of a strange person,
you know, but at least he don't watch me
when I sleep anymore.
How do you know?
Damn, baby, why you gotta ask questions like that?
- Now I'm scared. - (laughs)
- This has been a fun night, Franco. - See?
Told you we didn't gotta spend no money to have a good time.
Yeah, the music was great, the food was delicious.
Did you ever catch the name of the bride and groom?
Nah, but that ain't stop me from making a damn good toast.
I'm glad you had a good time.
Yeah. I gotta remember to thank Sofia.
- Sofia? - Mm-hmm.
I was telling her I kinda felt
a little insecure about how unbalanced
our relationship was,
and she suggested I do this.
Really?
Did it ever occur to you to talk to me about that?
It's occurring to me now.
So, you talked to Sofia about us?
No, not just us. We talk about everything.
Aw, damn, that didn't help, did it?
You want to tell me what's going on here?
Yes! Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you.
You like honesty... I'm gonna be honest.
Okay, so, yeah, we talk.
We text. She gives me advice.
Sometimes we go to movies you don't want to see.
And, uh, on Wednesday night it's ramen night.
Oh.
I-Is this you appreciating my honesty?
Look, I'm not gonna keep investing in this
unless you're all in.
When you figure it out, give me a call.
(door shuts)
I couldn't help but overhear.
If you want someone to talk to about your relationship,
I'd prefer it not be me.
ARTHUR: Hey, there he is!
How was your big night with Tavi?
Not great, so don't get your heart set on those Cubs tickets.
ARTHUR: Why?
Is it something in the bedroom?
'Cause I can help you with that.
No. Tavi's pissed because she thinks I'm spending
too much time with Sofia.
You know, I can see where Tavi's coming from.
If I was into some guy, I wouldn't be thrilled
if he was hanging out with somebody he'd slept with.
Yeah. That's why me and this one never did the deed.
We don't want to lose that great friendship.
Yeah... That's why, Tush.
I just don't get why she suddenly has a problem
with all this, man.
She knows me and Sofia broke up.
Well, technically, you didn't break up.
You wanted more, and Sofia said no.
She was busy...
I know what she said!
If you want to get technical, she didn't say no.
She said not now.
Well, if you're still hanging on to this,
Tavi might have a point.
Yeah, if you have any feelings for Sofia,
you better nip it in the bud.
ARTHUR: I got your back, kid.
Sofia is banned from the shop.
I'm gonna put up a sign that says,
"You must be this tall for donuts."
No, she works right outside. I see her all the time.
And when Sweatpants ain't here,
she's the only one within 30 years of my age.
Ah-heh-hem! Ahem.
Twenty-five.
Fine. All right, when you see her, just keep it light and polite.
All right? Stick to sports, weather and Gremlins.
Gremlins? The movie?
There's a movie?
Look, in this situation,
it doesn't matter what you think.
It's what Tavi thinks.
ARTHUR: Yeah, you listen to Randy, kid, because I really like that Tavi.
And I hope you patch things up.
And I'm not just saying that because of the luxury box.
But if she happens to bring it up,
can you ask her if parking is included?
Oh, a-and food.
Hey, you know what?
You got a lot on your mind.
Just the parking?
Tush.
- Yes. - You were right
about those dummies at the sub shop.
I can't get anybody to talk to me.
Can you give me a couple pointers?
Yes. It's really simple.
When people talk to you, you have to be interested.
Got it. Pretend to be interested.
No.
You really have to care.
Right.
Pretend to care.
Okay. No. Look,
learning how to connect with people takes practice.
Why don't you go ask Randy about her daughter in college?
I don't want to interrupt.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
I meant my day.
Go. Just... go.
(grunts)
Hello, Randy.
How's your daughter?
You really want to know?
Okay.
Uh, she started her sophomore year.
She just declared her major.
TUSH: Fawz,
do you have a follow-up question?
Yes.
Are you almost done?
You know, it's a wonder
that no one has ever done this to you yet.
You know, I lived through three wars.
This just reminds me of my childhood.
- Fawz! - What?
It's your fault for picking a woman.
You know I never listen to them.
We'll try again. If you can get through this,
you can get through anything.
Arthur? Will you tell Fawz
about that time that you switched
from manila envelopes to plain white ones?
It was 1957.
Ike was in the White House,
World War II was in the rearview mirror,
and manila was all the rage.
Oh, dear God.
And I'm looking forward to a world where we don't see color.
We don't see white, and we don't see manila,
we just see envelopes.
Did you ever use those envelopes with the little windows?
I'm a rebel, not a madman.
Hey, Franco.
I've been dying to know.
How'd it go with Tavi last night?
Uh, fine.
Uh, the usual?
Well, come on, I want details.
If my advice worked, you're paying for ramen tonight.
Yeah, uh, ramen. Right.
Uh, so, look, uh, I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight.
- Oh, why not? - I'm free, Sofia.
And I'm all about that ramen.
But I got to warn you: I'm a slurper.
Franco, is something wrong?
Uh, look, I just don't think, uh,
we should be talking about my relationship with Tavi anymore.
Why not?
'Cause we got in a huge fight.
All right? And she thinks I still got feelings for you.
SWEATPANTS: Doesn't have to be ramen.
You know?
Um, a tomato, a chowder...
(gasps) A hearty alphabet.
What did you tell her?
I told her she was wrong.
But I-I still need to prove there's nothing
going on between you and me.
I love wonton.
I could eat one ton of wonton.
(laughs)
So are you just canceling ramen night, or our whole friendship?
Look, I don't even know if she'll take me back.
I-I just... (sighs)
I just need some time to figure everything out.
Okay, why don't I make it real easy for you?
You don't have to worry about seeing me at all.
Sofia!
Ooh. That was rough, man.
But hey, I know what might pick you up.
Don't you dare say any kind of soup.
No. I was gonna say "grab a drink."
I know a soup place with a great bar.
Hey, Fawz, how'd it go? Did you make friends
with the people at the sub shop?
You know what? Because of you, I did.
I smiled, I asked questions, and I learned so much.
Suzy loves knitting,
and Bobby sometimes passes out when he drives.
Well, I don't mean to brag, but it looks like someone
taught you the true value of friendship.
You certainly did, Tush.
You stupid, stupid idiot!
What are you hitting me for?
It worked, you made friends.
Exactly.
I can't fire my friends.
How am I gonna run a business if I can't fire people?
That's the fun part!
Well, did you at least find out who was stealing the cheese?
I don't have time.
Thanks to Tush, I'm playing racquetball
with Bobby on Thursdays,
and Suzy's twins are turning seven...
I have to go to the party.
No one is making you be Brian.
Well, if I'm not Brian, then who's gonna pick up
the cake for the twins?
(quietly): Hey. Is Franco here?
No, it's just us.
Oh, good. Because I've been dying for my morning coffee.
To go.
Because you're not supposed to be hanging around here, right?
Oh, Franco's just overreacting.
Is he?
Why do you come here all the time?
Boy, I'm really feeling the love today.
I'm just saying, there...
there's a million donut shops in Chicago.
Ones that are cheaper, ones that are cleaner.
Ones that are way cleaner.
Where am I supposed to go?
I park my truck right out front.
And that's the only curb in Chicago?
What's your point?
I think you have feelings for Franco.
If I'm wrong, you should stay away
and stop making his life more complicated.
But if I'm right, you should tell him.
But what about Tavi?
It seems like they're on the outs right now.
This is your time.
Life is short.
- Just ask Greg Belle of Mundelein. - (gasps) Oh, dear Lord.
And your window is closing.
Don't be like Esther Buchanan.
She was cut in half by a closing window.
ARTHUR: You know, I-I think
I might be risking Cubs tickets, but, uh,
Randy is right, Sof.
I guess I'm gonna go tell Franco how I feel.
Well, I think I'm gonna run out,
grab a new driver's license photo.
Wait, wait, wait.
Isn't that Fawz's wig?
What wig?
(knocking at door)
Hey. Thanks for coming.
It was on my way back from class.
Those flowers for me?
Yep.
Well, in the spirit of honesty,
they're from the retirement home Sweatpants works at.
They're, uh, get-well flowers for Ms. Bernstein.
Did she get well?
More in the spirit of honesty: no.
What do you want?
Can you take a seat?
Thank you.
You were right.
I shouldn't have been talking to Sofia about our relationship.
But that won't happen ever again, I promise.
How's that gonna work?
You see her every day.
Right, I do.
But if she comes in the shop, u-uh, for a donut,
or a cup of coffee, I'll just say hello.
And that's it. Nothing more.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm all about you and me now.
Which is why I want to take you away this weekend.
I booked us a little trip to Lake Geneva. My treat.
I found a little awesome condo facing the lake.
You know? All we got to do is sit through
a four-hour timeshare presentation.
A-And then, the weekend
is just you and me, just you and me, all right?
A-And then, another two-hour presentation during brunch.
But only if we want to use the pool.
Franco, that sounds awful.
Really?
Which is great, because there's no way that was Sofia's idea.
Nah. Nope, it's mine, it's my idea,
yeah, this trip was all me.
It's all me, every terrible detail.
So what do you say?
I'd love to go.
(exhales) Mwah.
This is dope.
All right, cool, so we should leave now.
Uh, we got to take an "L" to a bus
to another bus to get there.
Or, we could take my dad's plane.
I could go pack, send a car to get you
and meet you at the airport.
If you're okay with me paying for part of it.
Yeah, that's cool,
but that's just transportation.
I-I'm taking care of the condo, the food,
and the massages we get if we just decide
to pose for one of their photos in the brochure.
They don't get a lot of black people there.
Zale.
What are you doing?
98.2% of door buzzers
have traces of staphylococcal bacteria.
Well, you're showing those germs who's boss, huh?
(laughs)
Is this exchange over?
I hope so.
Hi, Zale.
- Sofia? - Hey.
Yes, this exchange is over.
What are you doing here?
I thought you said that we...
I know, uh...
But just hear me out.
Life is short, and there's something I need to tell you.
Oh, my ride's here.
Yo, what up, Tony?
Oh, your ride. Where are you going?
I'm taking Tavi away for the weekend. Or...
Tavi's dad's driver is taking me to Tavi's dad's plane
to take Tavi away for the weekend.
It's the least I could do.
Cool, so you guys patched things up.
Yeah, pretty much.
Well, that's great.
- Cool. - All right, I'll see you.
Okay.
Oh. What did you want to tell me?
That I'm gonna give you and Tavi all the space you need.
And she's awesome, and I really hope it works out for you guys.
Cool.
- Thank you, Sofia. - Yeah.
All right. What's up, Tony?
It's stinky in here, Tony.
What, you smoking weed or something?
Oh, you're still here.
Oh, don't worry, I'm leaving.
You can go back to cleaning.
Oh, no, I'm meeting a friend for dinner.
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com