1
00:00:01,999 --> 00:00:03,308
Yeah! Right!
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:06,463
Hey, everyone, donuts on the house,
I got great news.
3
00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:09,440
Helen Mirren finally wrote you back?
4
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,743
Danny Malone is quarantined in
Ireland with hoof and mouth disease.
5
00:00:12,745 --> 00:00:14,445
- Hey, hey!
- Yes!
6
00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:16,113
Why are we celebrating
a guy getting sick?
7
00:00:16,115 --> 00:00:17,214
Free donuts.
8
00:00:17,216 --> 00:00:19,583
Don't ask questions.
9
00:00:19,585 --> 00:00:21,986
Danny Malone has been to
every Cubs Opening Day game
10
00:00:21,988 --> 00:00:23,254
for the last 43 years,
11
00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:25,589
and they always do something
about him on the news.
12
00:00:25,591 --> 00:00:27,124
Well, now his streak is over,
13
00:00:27,126 --> 00:00:29,761
and I'm the one with the
longest active streak.
14
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,262
I'm gonna be on television.
15
00:00:31,264 --> 00:00:33,031
- Been waiting for this my whole life.
- Well, to be fair,
16
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,534
for a big chunk of that,
there was no television.
17
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,403
My whole life,
I've always been kind of anonymous,
18
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:39,437
you know, I never won anything,
19
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:40,605
I've never been in the spotlight.
20
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,442
It'd be nice to have a little hoopla.
21
00:00:42,477 --> 00:00:44,434
You know, Arthur,
I might see you at Wrigley.
22
00:00:44,469 --> 00:00:47,245
I'm gonna be out there
busting ticket scalpers.
23
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:49,247
They're putting me up
with another detective.
24
00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:51,049
I'm gonna meet him here tomorrow.
25
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,113
So it's like a blind date, but you know
26
00:00:53,148 --> 00:00:54,118
there's going to be handcuffs.
27
00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:57,989
Clean it up, Tart 'n' Tiny.
28
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:00,449
Dirty talk's not a good look on you.
29
00:01:01,173 --> 00:01:03,595
Oh, that's exciting,
your first time undercover.
30
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:04,696
Uh, I don't know.
31
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:07,031
You know,
I-I talked to the guy on the phone.
32
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:08,733
He seemed a little intense.
33
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,635
Plus, you know,
I like working on my own.
34
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,270
Just me and whatever drunk guy
35
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:14,906
I'm slamming up against the windshield.
36
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,809
Hey, I could invite
my cousin Marcus, man.
37
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,510
He's back in town and he's a big fan.
38
00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,112
Good luck getting tickets.
39
00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:23,748
I looked online,
and they were 392 bucks.
40
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,483
That's funny, 'cause, uh,
my credit card company called me
41
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:28,386
about an attempted charge for 392 bucks.
42
00:01:30,476 --> 00:01:32,323
That's a coinkydink...
Oh, I got to go feed my meter.
43
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:33,691
Yeah.
44
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:38,429
He ain't got a car.
45
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:40,798
Unless he used your
credit card to buy one.
46
00:01:42,825 --> 00:01:44,135
See? Much better.
47
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:47,038
We don't need that filth.
48
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,973
Oh, that reminds me,
I got to call my buddy Vern,
49
00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:52,110
find out if I can use his
Cubs tickets on Opening Day.
50
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,711
That's cool Arthur's gonna
be on the Chicago news, man.
51
00:01:53,713 --> 00:01:56,514
It's gonna be murder,
governor indicted, another murder,
52
00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,449
and then him.
53
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,418
Carol? Arthur Przybyszewski.
54
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:02,086
Uh, I'm calling for Vern.
55
00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:05,123
What? No... oh, my God.
56
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,224
What happened?
57
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:08,860
Vern died on Friday.
58
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:09,927
I'm sorry, man.
59
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:11,462
My condolences, Carol.
60
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,031
Vern was a very good man
61
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:16,167
with very good seats in the shade.
62
00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:18,102
I'll just respect Vern's
wishes and swing by
63
00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:19,470
and pick up those tickets, huh?
64
00:02:20,465 --> 00:02:22,607
Wait, he's being buried with them?
65
00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:26,377
Will the wake be open casket?
66
00:02:27,792 --> 00:02:28,579
Carol?
67
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:31,416
Just lost my tickets.
68
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:33,384
And that woman just lost her husband.
69
00:02:33,386 --> 00:02:35,186
Well, she can get remarried.
70
00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:37,522
There's only one Opening Day.
71
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:40,858
Well, maybe Vern's widow'll
give you those tickets
72
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:44,495
if you kick some dust off her mound.
73
00:02:48,018 --> 00:02:50,301
You see, Sofia,
since we're talking baseball,
74
00:02:50,303 --> 00:02:55,039
I used the word "mound"
to describe her lady parts.
75
00:02:56,312 --> 00:02:59,677
Leave the dirty talk to the master.
76
00:03:13,896 --> 00:03:16,797
Sweatpants, that ticket site
you told me about stinks.
77
00:03:16,799 --> 00:03:19,633
Why do they make you order your food
before they give you your seats?
78
00:03:20,254 --> 00:03:21,468
I said StubHub.
79
00:03:21,470 --> 00:03:23,203
You're on Grubhub.
80
00:03:24,707 --> 00:03:26,740
Look, here they are: Cubs tickets.
81
00:03:27,255 --> 00:03:29,643
Oh, come on, I can't afford that.
82
00:03:29,645 --> 00:03:32,245
Well, maybe we can all
pitch in and help you out.
83
00:03:32,247 --> 00:03:33,714
Yeah, you got to keep the streak alive.
84
00:03:33,716 --> 00:03:34,982
Okay, great.
85
00:03:34,984 --> 00:03:36,283
Uh, I need 1,200 bucks.
86
00:03:36,285 --> 00:03:37,818
- Oh, uh...
- Oh, whoa.
87
00:03:37,820 --> 00:03:38,919
- Yeah, I wasn't participating.
- I'm sorry.
88
00:03:38,921 --> 00:03:41,254
I have a Cubs connection.
89
00:03:41,256 --> 00:03:43,624
Anthony Rizzo and I
have the same facialist.
90
00:03:43,626 --> 00:03:46,159
She's the only one I've met
that knows where my face stops
91
00:03:46,161 --> 00:03:47,494
and the top of my head begins.
92
00:03:47,496 --> 00:03:49,296
It's about right...
93
00:03:49,298 --> 00:03:51,531
right there.
94
00:03:52,939 --> 00:03:53,734
Hey, everybody,
95
00:03:53,736 --> 00:03:55,602
- meet my cousin Marcus.
- Hey-hey.
96
00:03:55,604 --> 00:03:57,004
Yeah, we, uh, we grew up together.
97
00:03:57,006 --> 00:03:59,072
We used to reenact all the
dance scenes from House Party.
98
00:03:59,074 --> 00:04:00,307
I was Kid and he was Play.
99
00:04:00,309 --> 00:04:01,241
Should we show 'em?
100
00:04:01,243 --> 00:04:03,543
Nah, put your leg down.
101
00:04:03,545 --> 00:04:04,711
So he's back in town,
and he's staying with me
102
00:04:04,713 --> 00:04:05,475
for a couple weeks.
103
00:04:05,514 --> 00:04:07,014
- Where'd you move from?
- Oh, uh,
104
00:04:07,016 --> 00:04:09,116
- downstate.
- Whereabouts?
105
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:10,183
Pontiac.
106
00:04:10,185 --> 00:04:11,718
Oh, yeah, where the prison is.
107
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,020
How long did you live there?
108
00:04:13,022 --> 00:04:14,254
Well, it was supposed to be five years,
109
00:04:14,256 --> 00:04:15,956
but I got out after three.
110
00:04:22,598 --> 00:04:24,765
Marcus spent some time in prison,
but he paid his dues,
111
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:27,234
- and now I'm helping him look for a job.
- Marcus,
112
00:04:27,236 --> 00:04:30,837
I happen to be kind of an
expert in the gig economy.
113
00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,674
I would love to spend the
afternoon sharing my wisdom.
114
00:04:33,676 --> 00:04:37,310
You're not gonna need a whole afternoon.
115
00:04:37,312 --> 00:04:38,845
Actually, I was thinking, Arthur,
116
00:04:38,847 --> 00:04:40,013
you might have something.
117
00:04:40,015 --> 00:04:41,815
- Huh? Me?
- Yeah.
118
00:04:41,817 --> 00:04:43,250
You were talking about
doing that delivery service.
119
00:04:43,252 --> 00:04:44,651
I mean, Marcus
would be perfect for it, man.
120
00:04:44,653 --> 00:04:46,219
- He's a great driver.
- Is he?
121
00:04:46,221 --> 00:04:48,152
Yeah, well-well, uh,
let me think about it.
122
00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:49,222
Cool.
123
00:04:49,224 --> 00:04:51,024
I'll leave my résumé.
It's nice to meet y'all.
124
00:04:51,026 --> 00:04:52,125
All right, be good.
125
00:04:52,127 --> 00:04:53,660
Bye, now.
126
00:04:55,397 --> 00:04:59,633
Well, I thought about it, and, uh, no.
127
00:05:01,837 --> 00:05:03,837
'Cause he went to prison?
128
00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:05,906
Yo, he made one stupid mistake.
129
00:05:05,908 --> 00:05:07,441
You know, he was hanging
with the wrong people,
130
00:05:07,443 --> 00:05:09,042
and next thing you know,
they're robbing a bank,
131
00:05:09,044 --> 00:05:10,477
and he's driving the getaway car.
132
00:05:10,479 --> 00:05:13,447
Well, he wasn't very good at it,
since he didn't get away.
133
00:05:14,338 --> 00:05:15,782
He's actually a great driver.
134
00:05:15,784 --> 00:05:17,350
And he can handle a truck, no problem.
135
00:05:17,352 --> 00:05:19,386
Even if people are shooting at him.
136
00:05:20,656 --> 00:05:23,724
Well, this is Chicago, so they will be.
137
00:05:24,576 --> 00:05:26,359
Come on, man, you gave me a chance.
138
00:05:26,361 --> 00:05:27,561
Well, my heart's big enough
for a misdemeanor,
139
00:05:27,563 --> 00:05:29,863
but not a felony.
140
00:05:29,865 --> 00:05:31,264
Arthur,
141
00:05:31,266 --> 00:05:32,299
Marcus did his time.
142
00:05:32,301 --> 00:05:34,101
He deserves a clean slate.
143
00:05:34,103 --> 00:05:37,037
Oh, cry me a river.
144
00:05:37,039 --> 00:05:40,340
Which he should be sent up. The.
145
00:05:41,110 --> 00:05:44,177
What? English is my second language.
146
00:05:44,179 --> 00:05:47,080
No, listen, uh, listen,
I-I'm sorry, kid, he's a felon.
147
00:05:47,082 --> 00:05:49,416
The fact is, once a criminal,
always a criminal.
148
00:05:49,418 --> 00:05:51,985
I hear you.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just arresting
149
00:05:51,987 --> 00:05:54,187
the same person over and over again.
150
00:05:54,189 --> 00:05:56,923
So you don't believe that
people can be rehabilitated?
151
00:05:56,925 --> 00:05:57,991
No, I do.
152
00:05:57,993 --> 00:05:59,359
But the odds are against them.
153
00:05:59,361 --> 00:06:01,762
70% of them end up back in jail.
154
00:06:01,764 --> 00:06:04,264
And when they get out,
nobody trusts them.
155
00:06:04,266 --> 00:06:07,100
So they fall back into the same
cycle that landed them in jail
156
00:06:07,102 --> 00:06:09,002
in the first place.
157
00:06:09,004 --> 00:06:11,204
Wow, Tush,
you really care a lot about this.
158
00:06:11,206 --> 00:06:13,540
Well, I went through it with my brother.
159
00:06:13,542 --> 00:06:14,875
- You have a brother in jail?
- Yeah.
160
00:06:14,877 --> 00:06:18,245
He did drugs, dealt drugs,
smuggled drugs.
161
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:20,547
He just can't seem to
get his life together.
162
00:06:20,549 --> 00:06:22,349
Well, I'm not an expert,
but it might have something to do
163
00:06:22,351 --> 00:06:23,717
with all the drugs.
164
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,553
But that's why we got
to help Marcus, man.
165
00:06:26,555 --> 00:06:28,088
I don't want him going back to prison.
166
00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:30,190
Yeah, well, that's great,
but I don't want any part of that.
167
00:06:30,192 --> 00:06:31,858
Really? You ain't gonna help him?
168
00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:34,027
This ain't just some dude,
man, it's-it's family.
169
00:06:34,029 --> 00:06:35,228
And he's a good guy.
170
00:06:35,230 --> 00:06:38,865
Look, I-I'm not gonna risk
my business for some ex-con.
171
00:06:38,867 --> 00:06:40,400
Whatever, man.
172
00:06:40,402 --> 00:06:42,369
Yo. Check this out:
173
00:06:42,371 --> 00:06:44,704
front row seats for 60 bucks each.
174
00:06:44,706 --> 00:06:46,306
Really? That cheap for Opening Day?
175
00:06:46,308 --> 00:06:49,109
No, these are for the musical Pippen.
176
00:06:49,978 --> 00:06:51,745
About Scottie Pippen,
177
00:06:51,747 --> 00:06:53,313
starring Tyler Perry.
178
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,520
Since this is your first time
undercover, I figured
179
00:07:00,522 --> 00:07:03,323
we'd discuss our characters
and get our stories straight.
180
00:07:03,325 --> 00:07:05,559
Uh, is that really necessary?
181
00:07:05,561 --> 00:07:08,528
Yeah. If those scalpers
get one whiff we're cops,
182
00:07:08,530 --> 00:07:09,930
they're running.
183
00:07:09,932 --> 00:07:12,199
So, who do you want to be?
184
00:07:12,927 --> 00:07:17,170
How about, uh,
Lady Who Wants to Buy Cub Tickets?
185
00:07:17,957 --> 00:07:19,472
Where is this lady from?
186
00:07:19,474 --> 00:07:20,974
Is her name Rebecca?
187
00:07:20,976 --> 00:07:22,442
Does she do yoga?
188
00:07:22,444 --> 00:07:23,710
Fine. Fine.
189
00:07:23,712 --> 00:07:26,446
Uh, my name is Linda.
190
00:07:26,448 --> 00:07:27,547
Linda what?
191
00:07:27,549 --> 00:07:30,417
Linda Oh-bite-me. I'm Irish.
192
00:07:32,254 --> 00:07:35,655
Look, Detective Whitley,
I think I can handle this.
193
00:07:35,657 --> 00:07:37,657
I've been a cop for 30 years.
194
00:07:37,659 --> 00:07:38,959
But you just became a detective,
195
00:07:38,961 --> 00:07:40,827
so maybe you need to follow my lead?
196
00:07:40,829 --> 00:07:41,928
Okay.
197
00:07:41,930 --> 00:07:43,930
The Cubs are playing the Pirates.
198
00:07:43,932 --> 00:07:46,666
We'll be Roy and Gingie
Mendler from Pittsburgh.
199
00:07:46,668 --> 00:07:49,970
Roy's an EMT,
but he also did two tours in Iraq.
200
00:07:49,972 --> 00:07:51,271
Oh, yeah? Where in Iraq?
201
00:07:51,273 --> 00:07:53,740
First tour, Fallujah,
second tour, Basra.
202
00:07:54,843 --> 00:07:56,843
Wait a second. Roy Mendler,
203
00:07:56,845 --> 00:07:58,411
- and you were in Basra?
- Mm-hmm.
204
00:07:58,413 --> 00:07:59,946
I think we met.
205
00:08:01,884 --> 00:08:03,416
Um...
206
00:08:03,418 --> 00:08:05,685
Roy's not real, Fawz.
207
00:08:05,687 --> 00:08:08,355
Or am I?
208
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:12,058
Ha. Classic Roy.
209
00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:13,226
Okay.
210
00:08:13,228 --> 00:08:14,461
Let's go down to the precinct.
211
00:08:14,463 --> 00:08:17,097
We need to go over our wardrobe,
our hairstyles,
212
00:08:17,099 --> 00:08:19,399
and figure out our relationship history.
213
00:08:19,401 --> 00:08:21,134
How long have we been married?
214
00:08:21,136 --> 00:08:23,336
Too long.
215
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:28,742
Yo, what up, cousin?
216
00:08:28,744 --> 00:08:30,443
Just hanging, my brother.
217
00:08:31,881 --> 00:08:33,635
I was talking to my actual cousin,
Marcus.
218
00:08:33,670 --> 00:08:34,447
Oh.
219
00:08:34,449 --> 00:08:35,582
You find a job yet?
220
00:08:35,584 --> 00:08:37,183
Nope. Every application I fill out,
221
00:08:37,185 --> 00:08:38,585
they ask me if I committed a felony,
222
00:08:38,587 --> 00:08:41,121
and when I say yes,
suddenly I'm not qualified.
223
00:08:41,123 --> 00:08:43,423
Which is just plain discrimination.
224
00:08:43,425 --> 00:08:46,126
I've had plenty of jobs
I wasn't qualified for.
225
00:08:46,128 --> 00:08:49,162
Did you know I was once an
optometrist for two weeks?
226
00:08:49,164 --> 00:08:50,263
And follow.
227
00:08:50,265 --> 00:08:52,365
Man, stop.
228
00:08:52,367 --> 00:08:54,301
Look, hey, don't worry about it,
man, we're gonna find you something.
229
00:08:54,303 --> 00:08:56,569
Oh, Marcus does have some good news.
230
00:08:56,571 --> 00:08:57,871
Oh, yeah, Arthur,
231
00:08:57,873 --> 00:08:59,506
you were looking for tickets
to the Cubs game, right?
232
00:08:59,508 --> 00:09:01,107
I got two.
233
00:09:01,109 --> 00:09:02,475
For Opening Day?
234
00:09:02,477 --> 00:09:04,177
Well, how'd you get 'em?
235
00:09:04,179 --> 00:09:05,979
Oh, one of my homies hooked me up.
236
00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:07,514
Wow, thank you.
237
00:09:07,516 --> 00:09:08,715
What do I owe you?
238
00:09:08,717 --> 00:09:10,784
- Oh, they're on me. Just enjoy the game.
- Wow.
239
00:09:10,786 --> 00:09:12,852
Wow. That is way too generous.
240
00:09:12,854 --> 00:09:14,654
Yeah, it really, really is.
241
00:09:14,656 --> 00:09:17,857
Uh-huh.
242
00:09:17,859 --> 00:09:19,893
Oh, yeah, you know what? You know what?
243
00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:21,561
You're welcome to all
the donuts you can eat.
244
00:09:22,664 --> 00:09:24,631
Uh, uh, limit two.
245
00:09:26,168 --> 00:09:28,668
Well, maybe there's
another way you can repay
246
00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:32,339
this trustworthy, upstanding citizen.
247
00:09:32,341 --> 00:09:33,707
Oh, u-uh, yeah.
248
00:09:33,709 --> 00:09:35,675
I-I'm looking for a delivery guy.
249
00:09:35,677 --> 00:09:37,043
I-It's not full-time,
250
00:09:37,045 --> 00:09:39,312
but it'll put a little
change in your pocket.
251
00:09:39,314 --> 00:09:40,513
Seriously?
252
00:09:40,515 --> 00:09:41,881
That would be great.
253
00:09:41,883 --> 00:09:43,083
Yeah. Why don't you swing by tomorrow,
254
00:09:43,085 --> 00:09:44,117
and we'll get you started.
255
00:09:44,119 --> 00:09:46,386
- Cool. Later, Tush.
- A'ight.
256
00:09:46,388 --> 00:09:47,887
Ain't gonna hurt nobody.
257
00:09:49,725 --> 00:09:51,324
Oh, damn.
258
00:09:51,326 --> 00:09:53,893
Whoa, these are great seats.
259
00:09:53,895 --> 00:09:54,894
Must've cost a fortune.
260
00:09:54,896 --> 00:09:59,666
Of course.
Why bother stealing cheap ones?
261
00:09:59,668 --> 00:10:01,134
You don't think they're stolen, do you?
262
00:10:01,136 --> 00:10:02,202
No, of course not!
263
00:10:02,204 --> 00:10:03,470
I'm going to Opening Day!
264
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,405
See? And it's all working out, you know?
265
00:10:05,407 --> 00:10:07,807
Help out my cousin,
he gives you some free baseball tickets,
266
00:10:07,809 --> 00:10:09,542
you take me as your guest,
267
00:10:09,544 --> 00:10:11,611
maybe buy me some nachos,
maybe a jersey...
268
00:10:11,613 --> 00:10:13,580
All right, all right,
all right, you can go.
269
00:10:13,582 --> 00:10:15,315
- You can go.
- Thank you.
270
00:10:15,317 --> 00:10:16,716
Who's gonna mind the shop?
271
00:10:16,718 --> 00:10:18,218
I'm free. I can do it.
272
00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:19,886
All right.
It's only for a few hours, anyway.
273
00:10:19,888 --> 00:10:20,987
Yes!
274
00:10:20,989 --> 00:10:23,056
We 'bout to turn up!
275
00:10:29,331 --> 00:10:31,464
Okay, okay, I'm-a put the DJ over here,
276
00:10:31,466 --> 00:10:34,167
and the pick-your-own-toppings
bar over here.
277
00:10:34,169 --> 00:10:37,070
You will sell donuts,
you will say nothing.
278
00:10:37,072 --> 00:10:39,939
Right. Flew too close to the sun.
279
00:10:49,651 --> 00:10:51,851
Go, Pirates!
280
00:10:51,853 --> 00:10:52,986
I'm a traitor.
281
00:10:52,988 --> 00:10:54,354
Whoo-hoo!
282
00:10:54,356 --> 00:10:56,122
I hate myself.
283
00:10:56,124 --> 00:10:58,625
What are you doing?
We need to stay in character.
284
00:10:58,627 --> 00:11:00,827
I told you that we
don't need that stuff.
285
00:11:00,829 --> 00:11:02,729
Let's just wing it.
286
00:11:03,377 --> 00:11:05,231
This guy looks suspicious.
287
00:11:06,735 --> 00:11:08,101
Hey.
288
00:11:08,103 --> 00:11:09,436
So, you sellin'?
289
00:11:09,438 --> 00:11:11,171
Yeah, yeah, I'm selling...
290
00:11:11,173 --> 00:11:13,173
Officers.
291
00:11:13,845 --> 00:11:15,583
What are you talking about?
292
00:11:15,618 --> 00:11:18,211
My husband and I just
want to buy some tickets.
293
00:11:18,213 --> 00:11:20,947
Yeah.
My wife Gingie and me... I'm Roy...
294
00:11:20,949 --> 00:11:22,515
We're the Mendlers.
295
00:11:22,517 --> 00:11:24,284
We just drove in from Pittsburgh.
296
00:11:24,286 --> 00:11:25,885
Actually, Beaver Falls.
297
00:11:25,887 --> 00:11:28,555
It's a small town outside of the city.
298
00:11:29,391 --> 00:11:31,291
Okay.
299
00:11:31,293 --> 00:11:33,193
Uh, so, about those tickets...
300
00:11:33,195 --> 00:11:35,198
We moved there for the schools.
301
00:11:35,233 --> 00:11:37,499
Roy Jr., he has a lazy eye,
302
00:11:37,534 --> 00:11:38,998
and they have a great program for that.
303
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,935
And that's why we love the Pirates...
the eye patch.
304
00:11:41,937 --> 00:11:44,904
Yeah. Our son has a lot of problems.
305
00:11:44,906 --> 00:11:47,140
Just like his dad.
306
00:11:48,510 --> 00:11:51,177
Every Cubs fan loves Opening Day,
307
00:11:51,179 --> 00:11:53,718
but not as much as Arthur Przybyszewski.
308
00:11:53,753 --> 00:11:55,915
Yeah, he gave me the day off.
Shout to my boy Sweatpants.
309
00:11:55,917 --> 00:11:57,684
- Blip-blip!
- H-Hey.
310
00:11:57,686 --> 00:12:00,840
Arthur here has the longest
active attendance streak
311
00:12:00,875 --> 00:12:02,422
- for the Cubs home opener.
- Yep, yep.
312
00:12:02,424 --> 00:12:04,991
Replacing Danny Malone,
to whom I'd like to say:
313
00:12:04,993 --> 00:12:07,393
Get well soon, and suck it.
314
00:12:07,395 --> 00:12:09,903
Wow. What an amazing accomplishment.
315
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,231
Yeah. And when I'm done here,
316
00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:13,099
I'm gonna celebrate at Superior Donuts,
317
00:12:13,101 --> 00:12:14,901
located at Argyle and Kenmore,
318
00:12:14,903 --> 00:12:18,238
the official donut of
Major League Baseball.
319
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,008
I'm a hundred percent
sure you can't say that.
320
00:12:22,010 --> 00:12:23,643
And little Judy, she's allergic to milk,
321
00:12:23,645 --> 00:12:25,578
so I have to buy this soy substitute
322
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:27,347
that they sell at a market downtown.
323
00:12:27,349 --> 00:12:30,049
Why is he telling me all this?
324
00:12:30,051 --> 00:12:31,417
I'll tell you why.
325
00:12:31,419 --> 00:12:33,743
Because he's a detail-obsessed weirdo
326
00:12:33,778 --> 00:12:36,456
that doesn't trust me
to speak for myself.
327
00:12:36,458 --> 00:12:39,325
At least I'm not a know-it-all
who won't listen to anyone.
328
00:12:39,327 --> 00:12:42,595
How can I not listen? You talk nonstop!
329
00:12:42,597 --> 00:12:44,330
You are so critical.
330
00:12:44,332 --> 00:12:46,132
Oh, for God's sake, would you shut up?
331
00:12:46,134 --> 00:12:47,634
You're giving me a migraine!
332
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:49,736
Okay, okay. I'm convinced.
333
00:12:49,738 --> 00:12:51,171
You're married.
334
00:12:51,173 --> 00:12:53,006
You fight worse than my parents.
335
00:12:53,008 --> 00:12:54,807
And they shot each other.
336
00:12:55,868 --> 00:12:56,743
They're still together.
337
00:12:56,745 --> 00:12:59,879
You know, they're Catholic.
42 years. God bless.
338
00:12:59,881 --> 00:13:02,682
Okay, so, I got bleacher seats,
$300 here.
339
00:13:02,684 --> 00:13:05,051
- Okay, you're under arrest.
- Aw, crap.
340
00:13:05,053 --> 00:13:06,586
Man...
341
00:13:06,588 --> 00:13:09,122
at first I thought you were
just crazy and annoying,
342
00:13:09,124 --> 00:13:11,391
but that actually worked.
343
00:13:11,393 --> 00:13:12,525
I'm not crazy.
344
00:13:12,527 --> 00:13:15,295
The truth is,
Fallujah really did a number on me.
345
00:13:15,297 --> 00:13:16,663
Oh, my God.
346
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,665
You actually served in Iraq?
347
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,800
Nope, I'm just that good.
348
00:13:22,737 --> 00:13:25,004
Well, it looks like it's game time.
349
00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:27,240
Let's watch as Arthur Przybyszewski
350
00:13:27,242 --> 00:13:30,043
walks into the record books.
351
00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:33,146
So, uh, Marcus really came through, huh?
352
00:13:33,148 --> 00:13:34,581
I am so excited.
353
00:13:34,583 --> 00:13:37,517
I'm telling you right now,
if you and me get on Kiss Cam,
354
00:13:37,519 --> 00:13:38,551
it's happening.
355
00:13:40,288 --> 00:13:41,521
- Ooh.
- It's okay, sir.
356
00:13:41,523 --> 00:13:43,189
- And congratulations.
- Ooh. Thanks.
357
00:13:45,894 --> 00:13:48,094
- Random check.
- Ah, damn it.
358
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:54,234
What's wrong?
359
00:13:54,236 --> 00:13:55,401
This ticket's no good.
360
00:13:55,403 --> 00:13:56,936
No. Try it again.
361
00:13:58,073 --> 00:14:00,240
Hey, I got it. Here, try mine.
362
00:14:01,610 --> 00:14:03,376
Sorry, can't let you in.
These aren't working.
363
00:14:03,378 --> 00:14:05,511
You know why it's not working?
Because your cousin
364
00:14:05,513 --> 00:14:07,914
- gave us stolen tickets.
- Why would he do that?
365
00:14:07,916 --> 00:14:08,915
'Cause he's a crook.
366
00:14:08,917 --> 00:14:10,450
- Step aside.
- Huh?
367
00:14:10,452 --> 00:14:12,085
- You're holding up the line.
- Don't worry about it.
368
00:14:12,087 --> 00:14:13,553
We're getting out of your way,
all right?
369
00:14:13,555 --> 00:14:15,755
Oh, look... Helen Mirren! Hey! Come on.
370
00:14:16,591 --> 00:14:18,024
All right, all right, I'm going.
371
00:14:18,026 --> 00:14:19,392
Well, I'm not sure
372
00:14:19,394 --> 00:14:21,661
what just happened, but it looks like
373
00:14:21,663 --> 00:14:24,097
this super fan's streak is over.
374
00:14:24,099 --> 00:14:26,666
Superior Donuts...
the best damn donuts...
375
00:14:27,836 --> 00:14:29,836
...in Chicago.
376
00:14:37,198 --> 00:14:38,184
Interesting.
377
00:14:38,219 --> 00:14:40,806
I've never seen the shop
from this perspective before.
378
00:14:40,808 --> 00:14:43,460
Like, as an entrepreneur
who turned their passion
379
00:14:43,495 --> 00:14:44,709
into a successful business?
380
00:14:44,811 --> 00:14:47,479
No. I've never stood in
this actual spot before.
381
00:14:47,481 --> 00:14:49,481
You think too much.
382
00:14:51,705 --> 00:14:53,418
Guess who set a new record today.
383
00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:55,887
We busted 27 scalpers.
384
00:14:55,889 --> 00:15:00,125
Uh, I think they prefer the term
"Native Americans."
385
00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:04,529
Well, Mrs. Mendler, I got to run.
386
00:15:04,531 --> 00:15:06,298
Thanks for the ride, Mr. Mendler.
387
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:08,800
Hey, great job
on your first day undercover.
388
00:15:08,802 --> 00:15:10,735
Well, I had a really good teacher.
389
00:15:10,737 --> 00:15:13,672
Your attention to detail was amazing.
390
00:15:13,674 --> 00:15:15,774
Like when you threatened to divorce me
391
00:15:15,776 --> 00:15:17,976
because of the way I eat soup.
392
00:15:19,565 --> 00:15:21,146
Where did that come from?
393
00:15:21,148 --> 00:15:24,616
My wife divorced me because
of the way I eat soup.
394
00:15:26,170 --> 00:15:28,586
You know, I got divorced
because of soup, too.
395
00:15:28,588 --> 00:15:30,477
I threw a can at his head.
396
00:15:32,489 --> 00:15:35,026
Hey, um, you want
to have dinner sometime?
397
00:15:35,028 --> 00:15:36,428
Yeah. Sure.
398
00:15:36,430 --> 00:15:41,433
But maybe we should avoid any food
that you threw at your husband.
399
00:15:44,071 --> 00:15:45,704
There he is!
400
00:15:45,706 --> 00:15:48,306
We saw you on TV and on the Internet.
401
00:15:51,078 --> 00:15:53,745
World'sOldestCriminals.com.
402
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:56,681
Arthur, are you okay?
403
00:15:56,683 --> 00:15:58,416
Yeah, I just pulled a muscle.
404
00:15:58,418 --> 00:16:01,319
No, I mean emotionally...
because that was so humiliating.
405
00:16:01,321 --> 00:16:03,154
I mean...
406
00:16:03,156 --> 00:16:05,341
That was a real disaster.
407
00:16:05,650 --> 00:16:07,726
You brought a lot of joy
to a lot of people today.
408
00:16:10,864 --> 00:16:12,263
What happened?
409
00:16:12,265 --> 00:16:14,970
I was embarrassed on TV
because his criminal cousin
410
00:16:15,005 --> 00:16:17,659
- gave me counterfeit tickets.
- L-Let's just figure out
411
00:16:17,694 --> 00:16:19,185
what happened before we go blaming him.
412
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,072
I'm not blaming him... I'm blaming you!
413
00:16:21,074 --> 00:16:22,941
You told me I should trust him, huh?
414
00:16:23,542 --> 00:16:25,646
- I'm never gonna trust you anymore.
- Yo, you only listened to me
415
00:16:25,681 --> 00:16:27,245
when there were free
tickets in your hand.
416
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:30,215
I don't know why you Americans
are so obsessed with baseball.
417
00:16:30,217 --> 00:16:32,417
You know,
my cousin took me out to the ball game.
418
00:16:32,419 --> 00:16:34,386
Bought me some peanuts
and Cracker Jacks.
419
00:16:34,388 --> 00:16:37,188
I don't care if I ever go back.
420
00:16:38,792 --> 00:16:40,492
At least you learned the song.
421
00:16:40,494 --> 00:16:42,260
What song?
422
00:16:44,331 --> 00:16:47,198
Hey, guys.
Just picking up that order for Loyola.
423
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,100
Yeah, well, don't bother. You're fired.
424
00:16:49,102 --> 00:16:50,769
- What?
- Ho-Hold on, man.
425
00:16:50,771 --> 00:16:53,438
Yo, he's pissed, 'cause the tickets
you gave him ended up being fake.
426
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,240
- Really?
- Yeah.
427
00:16:55,242 --> 00:16:57,675
It cost me my streak,
and I almost got arrested.
428
00:16:57,677 --> 00:16:59,844
No, wait. Stop.
429
00:16:59,846 --> 00:17:01,713
Yo, where'd you get the tickets?
430
00:17:01,715 --> 00:17:03,048
- From a friend.
- Who?
431
00:17:03,752 --> 00:17:05,617
Just a guy that's looking out for me.
432
00:17:05,619 --> 00:17:07,085
Yeah?
433
00:17:07,087 --> 00:17:08,820
Same guys that got you locked up?
434
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:10,889
- It's not like that.
- What's it like?
435
00:17:11,545 --> 00:17:13,992
'Cause it look like you're going down
the same road that got you sent away, man.
436
00:17:13,994 --> 00:17:15,493
Now, tell me who the friend was.
437
00:17:15,495 --> 00:17:17,796
- I shouldn't have to.
- All right.
438
00:17:17,798 --> 00:17:20,265
You know, I want to have your back,
but you ain't making it easy, dude.
439
00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:22,867
- Can I fire him now?
- Shut up!
440
00:17:22,869 --> 00:17:24,636
What's going on?
441
00:17:24,638 --> 00:17:26,337
Why aren't you guys at the game?
442
00:17:26,339 --> 00:17:27,672
Marcus gave me phony tickets.
443
00:17:27,674 --> 00:17:29,240
What?
444
00:17:29,242 --> 00:17:31,342
Oh, God, I feel terrible.
445
00:17:31,344 --> 00:17:34,913
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm the one that gave him the tickets.
446
00:17:38,151 --> 00:17:41,286
Wait, you're the friend?
Why would you set him up like that?
447
00:17:41,288 --> 00:17:44,656
I was trying to help him score points
with Arthur so he'd give him the job.
448
00:17:44,658 --> 00:17:46,157
So where did you get the tickets?
449
00:17:46,159 --> 00:17:48,526
From Anthony Rizzo's facialist.
450
00:17:48,528 --> 00:17:50,128
But now that I think of it,
451
00:17:50,130 --> 00:17:55,166
why would Anthony Rizzo get
facials at an abandoned RadioShack?
452
00:17:56,703 --> 00:17:58,736
Marcus, why didn't you say
you got the tickets from Tush?
453
00:17:58,738 --> 00:18:01,039
He was helping me... I didn't want
to throw him under the bus.
454
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:03,475
Well, that's great,
but I wish you would've said something.
455
00:18:03,477 --> 00:18:06,111
Would it have mattered?
You made your mind up about me
456
00:18:06,113 --> 00:18:08,079
the second you heard I had a record.
457
00:18:08,081 --> 00:18:09,380
He's right. You did.
458
00:18:09,382 --> 00:18:11,716
You're no better...
you were about to bail on me, too.
459
00:18:11,718 --> 00:18:14,352
You're right, I did, yeah.
460
00:18:16,286 --> 00:18:18,056
I'm sorry, cuz. I apologize, man.
461
00:18:18,058 --> 00:18:21,593
These anxious white people
just got in my head, so...
462
00:18:22,611 --> 00:18:24,140
You say you get what I'm up against,
463
00:18:24,175 --> 00:18:25,630
but I need at least
one person in my corner
464
00:18:25,632 --> 00:18:27,132
that's gonna believe me no matter what.
465
00:18:27,134 --> 00:18:28,566
Yeah, that's me. I'm that guy, man.
466
00:18:28,568 --> 00:18:30,969
And I'm sorry I gave you
any reason to doubt that.
467
00:18:30,971 --> 00:18:32,737
Yeah, I-I'm sorry, too.
And you can forget
468
00:18:32,739 --> 00:18:35,206
about what I said about being fired.
I mean,
469
00:18:35,208 --> 00:18:36,708
if you're still interested,
I would love it
470
00:18:36,710 --> 00:18:38,877
- if you wanted to work here again.
- Yeah, kid,
471
00:18:38,879 --> 00:18:42,714
- Arthur and I could really use the help around here.
- Oh, shut up!
472
00:18:44,251 --> 00:18:47,085
Arthur, I'm sorry
I screwed up your streak.
473
00:18:47,087 --> 00:18:50,755
Yeah, it's too bad, 'cause now I
got all these real tickets here.
474
00:18:50,757 --> 00:18:52,857
- But the game's almost over.
- Maybe not.
475
00:18:52,859 --> 00:18:54,659
Addison Russell just tied it up.
476
00:18:54,661 --> 00:18:56,427
Grand slam! Extra innings, baby!
477
00:18:57,195 --> 00:18:58,796
- Arthur, take those.
- But how am I gonna
478
00:18:58,798 --> 00:19:00,365
get to Wrigley on time? I mean,
479
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:02,567
it's gonna take at least
20 minutes in traffic.
480
00:19:02,569 --> 00:19:05,570
I can get you there in five.
481
00:19:05,572 --> 00:19:08,406
Yeah. Hey, look, hey,
four if somebody's shooting at him.
482
00:19:08,727 --> 00:19:10,808
You've got yourself a delivery.
Come on, we got to hurry.
483
00:19:10,810 --> 00:19:13,077
- Let's go!
- Enjoy the game!
484
00:19:29,066 --> 00:19:29,802
So, Randy,
485
00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:31,173
how was your dinner with Justin?
486
00:19:31,175 --> 00:19:33,809
Well, we kind of kept that
whole marriage thing going.
487
00:19:33,811 --> 00:19:37,174
We ordered in take-out,
'cause I didn't feel like cooking.
488
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:39,715
Then we put on Netflix. I fell asleep.
489
00:19:39,717 --> 00:19:41,717
So we didn't have sex.
490
00:19:42,262 --> 00:19:44,553
I think he might be the one.
491
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:47,156
Is that what marriage is like?
492
00:19:47,158 --> 00:19:48,391
Oh, no, sweetie.
493
00:19:48,393 --> 00:19:51,294
It's not nearly as fun as that.
494
00:19:51,981 --> 00:19:54,163
God, I miss it.
495
00:19:56,420 --> 00:19:57,566
Oh, my God.
496
00:19:57,568 --> 00:20:00,503
Someone call 911. Arthur's being robbed.
497
00:20:02,922 --> 00:20:04,674
Addison Russell from the Cubs.
498
00:20:04,676 --> 00:20:05,975
Hey. I'm looking for Arthur.
499
00:20:05,977 --> 00:20:07,977
Yeah, uh, o-okay. Hold on.
500
00:20:07,979 --> 00:20:10,112
Arthur, get your ass out here!
501
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,315
Yeah? Oh, my God!
502
00:20:12,317 --> 00:20:13,616
Addison Russell!
503
00:20:13,618 --> 00:20:16,419
Welcome to my humble shop. Oh...
504
00:20:16,421 --> 00:20:19,121
I'm sorry, I don't know why I curtsied.
505
00:20:19,589 --> 00:20:21,190
I saw you on the news,
and I felt bad for you.
506
00:20:21,192 --> 00:20:22,858
Yeah, well,
it was embarrassing, you know?
507
00:20:22,860 --> 00:20:25,161
At least I kept my streak alive.
508
00:20:25,163 --> 00:20:27,196
That's why I brought you this bat...
to say thank you
509
00:20:27,198 --> 00:20:29,265
- for being a fan for all these years.
- Oh, wow!
510
00:20:29,267 --> 00:20:31,334
Is this the one you hit
the grand slam with?
511
00:20:31,336 --> 00:20:33,803
No. That's actually worth something.
512
00:20:33,805 --> 00:20:35,438
That's Rizzo's.
513
00:20:36,087 --> 00:20:38,708
Wow, it's amazing!
Addison Russell's in my shop!
514
00:20:38,710 --> 00:20:39,942
I'm gonna go get a Polaroid.
515
00:20:40,345 --> 00:20:41,901
Oh, and put on my lucky jersey.
516
00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,500
And get a ball for you to sign.
517
00:20:43,535 --> 00:20:44,246
So you wait right here.
518
00:20:44,248 --> 00:20:46,148
You can have as many donuts as you like.
519
00:20:46,150 --> 00:20:48,084
Uh, limit two.
520
00:20:50,561 --> 00:20:51,954
- I'm gonna go.
- That's a good idea.
521
00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:19,752
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com