Bup! Guess who just got invited to Prince Harry's wedding.
Oh, right.
You got invited to the royal wedding?
Not that Prince Harry.
A guy I went to high school with.
A Prince impersonator named Harry.
When I see him walking down that aisle,
doves won't be the only things crying.
Yeah.
I got a plus-one, if you want to come.
Oh, sorry.
I already have plans on, um, April 7.
It's the one day I'm booked.
It's actually April 8.
For a two-day event.
That's a big order, Arthur.
Yeah. Delivery to a baby shower at Pizzeria Uno.
The ladies wanted something light to go with their deep dish.
Pizza and donuts?
Sounds like a dream Tush had.
Yeah, sometimes the donuts are my girlfriend,
sometimes it's the pizza.
Once, a cinnamon roll showed up, and things got nasty.
I'd like to explore new business opportunities.
Maybe put a drive-through window
in the alley behind my dry cleaners.
Why don't you?
Well, that's where Arthur parks his Oldsmobile.
It's a Buick.
Any car you drive is an Oldsmobile.
Well, you're not getting my parking space, Fawz.
Oh, I'll get it someday.
Things can change...
zoning laws, city regulations,
natural causes.
ARTHUR: Hey, Franco,
where's your cousin Marcus?
I got a delivery to make.
Oh, yo. That reminds me, man.
Uh, Marcus gone. He got another job.
What?
He never gave me notice.
He did. I just forgot to tell you. Um...
But he wanted to thank you with a bottle of wine.
Ah.
That's gone, too.
Uh...
All right, well, you're my delivery guy.
Here, you can take my car.
Uh, yeah, look, there's a...
little hiccup with my driver's license.
What?
I never got one.
Wait a minute! Your résumé said that you worked as a driver.
It also said I juggle and speak Italian.
- (chuckles) - FAWZ: Franco,
I can't believe you never got your driver's license.
I got mine the day I turned 16.
Greatest feeling in the world.
Rolled down the windows,
cranked up the REO Speedwagon,
let my long hair blow in the breeze.
So that's where it went.
(sighs) Growing up in Wisconsin,
you couldn't wait to get your license
so you'd be free to just go nuts.
You'd tell your mom you were going to the library
to do your homework, right? (Chuckles)
And you would. (Chuckles)
But then
you'd go to Dairy Queen
and spoil your dinner with a small cone.
(laughing): It was so wild!
You know, I just never needed to learn how to drive, man.
You know, I took the bus or the "L."
I rode my bike those magical eight minutes
before it got stolen.
Well, you don't know what you're missing, kid.
You know, driving, that's freedom.
You just walk outside your door, you can go anywhere you want.
The world is yours.
Joanie and I used to love taking those long road trips.
We were trying to see all 48 states.
They slipped in a couple more when you weren't looking.
Oh, and we almost did it, you know?
We just missed, uh, Oregon, Maine, and Alabama.
Rain, snow, and still pissed the South lost the Civil War.
I ain't got time to learn how to drive, man.
I'm swamped with school, work, girlfriend.
ARTHUR: Oh, well, that's too bad,
because Marcus was pulling down a hundred bucks a week in tips.
Who's teaching me how to drive?
I could teach you.
Yeah... Nope! (Chuckles)
That ain't happening, man.
I ain't trying to have that conversation with my girlfriend.
Cute girl teaching me how to drive...
that already sounds like a lie.
Sorry. Just trying to be nice.
Whatever you say, you little minx.
You know, I don't know why I come in here!
I don't eat the donuts, the coffee sucks,
and you guys are jerks.
- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow! - ARTHUR: Tomorrow.
Bye!
Franco, I could teach you.
I taught my daughter.
And other than that time we got in a fight
and I ditched her in Indiana,
it went great.
Franco, son,
I wouldn't take lessons from either one of them.
Not because they're women
but because women are terrible drivers.
ARTHUR: Franco,
I'll teach you to drive. I'm an excellent driving instructor.
Okay. Cool.
But I pick the radio stations.
Okay. But my antenna's broken.
So it's either the Spanish station
or the lady who wants us to accept Jesus Christ
as our Lord and Savior.
She's pretty convincing, you know?
I-I-I'm thinking of doing that.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
♪ ♪
Good.
- (laughs) I'm driving. - Good.
- Yeah. (Chuckles) - I'm driving! This is dope.
If you think this parking lot is dope,
wait till you get out on the open road.
It's super dope.
You might even call it the dope-en road.
- You used up all your "dopes" for the day, man. - All right.
Okay, let's stop here.
- Okay. - Just slowly press the brake.
All right.
There we go.
Now put it in park.
Okay.
Very good for a first try.
Hey!
So, you have any questions?
Yeah. What the hell is this bead thing I'm sitting on?
It massages your back.
It's massaging something, but it's not my back.
Well, just relax and let it happen.
Okay, got another question.
If there are only two pedals, uh, why can I only use one foot?
Well, you can only press either the brake or the gas,
you know, one at a time.
Otherwise, you'll get really mixed up.
One foot does all the work while the other one just hangs out?
That's right. Just like you and me at the shop.
- Okay, let's take another lap. - Yeah?
This time, we'll work on parallel parking.
Oh, that's my favorite of all the parkings.
(chuckles)
- (siren wails) - Oh! Cops!
Switch. Switch.
Why are you panicking?
Chicago cop sees a black dude driving an old white dude's car
without no license?
I'm gonna be a hashtag by sundown.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm not reaching in my pocket in front of a cop.
That's the leading cause of death amongst African-American men.
Hold up, wait.
Yes! It's a black cop. (Whoops)
It's an emotional roller coaster with you.
You've been circling this parking lot for almost an hour.
Can I see your license?
Listen here, bruh,
I ain't got that right now.
You know how it is, man.
- I ain't even trippin', man. - Mm-hmm.
So, what's going on here?
Is this some kind of Blind Side situation?
Diff'rent Strokes? Driving Mr. Daisy?
Hey.
It's complicated, man.
Hmm, I feel you.
Look, Officer, I'm just teaching the kid how to drive.
Then I'm gonna need to see your license and registration.
Ooh.
This must be how it feels to be white,
watching somebody else get in trouble.
I feel like whistling.
Is this why y'all whistle?
- Your license is expired. - What?
No. My license doesn't expire until 2018.
It is 2018.
Sir, do you even know where you are
- or who the president is? - Chicago.
And I'm gonna say Trump, but I hope I'm wrong.
- Nah, you ain't wrong, man. - Nah, you ain't wrong.
Your license expired four months ago.
I'm sorry, Officer. I'll make a call and get it renewed.
No. You're over the age of 75,
so you have to go to the DMV and take a driving test.
- What? - And I'm confiscating your license.
- What? - And I'm giving you this ticket.
(whispers): Damn.
- $250? - If you prefer,
I can impound your car.
Hey, let him take the car, man. It's cheaper than the ticket.
Don't worry about it. We can take the test together.
Don't let me catch you out here again without a license.
- Take care, brother. - You, too, man. Be good.
Hey, Tush. Where's Arthur and Franco?
They're at the DMV taking their driving tests.
So they wanted me to hold down the fort.
Let me guess, they're paying you in donuts. (Chuckles)
No.
Cash.
Well, that's nice. You're a good friend.
Oh, I see what's going on here.
You're angling for my plus-one to Harry's wedding.
Sorry. I like a gal with a little more meat on her bones,
a few more miles on her.
Like, you know...
Say anyone else.
Hey! How'd it go?
I'm a driver!
Whose?
I passed my test.
I got my temporary license.
- Hey! - Hey!
Wow, that's amazing!
What about Arthur?
That test is rigged!
They had it out for me the second I walked in there!
I'm not an idiot.
I know what a yellow light means.
Didn't have a chance!
He did not pass.
What happened?
(groans) He couldn't do a three-point turn.
Which was so weird, 'cause he just taught me how to do that.
So, what changed?
He was so nervous. It was like he's never driven before.
I think he's just worried he won't get his license back.
Well, that might not be the worst thing.
- What you mean? - You know,
they give that test for a reason.
And if he couldn't pass it,
maybe he's too old to be driving.
He's not that old.
Not that old?
When God said, "Let there be light,"
Arthur said, "Good idea."
I'm with Randy.
You know, my grandmother started slipping around Arthur's age.
She'd ask me how kindergarten was, no matter how old I got.
Well, in her defense, you do dress like a naughty toddler.
I shop at the department where they have my size!
And I will not see you tomorrow.
Unless I have to use the bathroom.
Or I need a cup of coffee.
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
FRANCO: Bye.
Franco, I'm just looking out for Arthur.
Now, why do you care so much that he keeps driving?
'Cause, Randy, he loves it.
If he gives up driving, he'll give up everything else.
Like my Aunt Darlene.
She sat in a wheelchair once and never got up.
- Was she paralyzed? - Mm-mm.
Just comfortable.
But it went all downhill from there.
You know, she went from, like, a tough-ass lady
to somebody who just stopped caring.
I don't want that to happen to Arthur.
It's like they were targeting me!
So my three-point turn turned to an eight-point turn.
It still got the job done. It got it done.
RANDY: Arthur, they were just
being extra careful.
When people get older, their-their reflexes slow
and their vision gets worse.
Seniors are high-risk drivers.
Oh, so now I'm a senior?
You got your AARP card when I was eight.
FRANCO: Hey, Arthur.
I don't mean to brag, but I got my license.
Right? So I can take you out.
We can work on your three-point turns
and build up your confidence so you can take the test again.
And fail again?
How humiliating.
It's best for everyone if he just gives up the car
and lets me have my drive-through window.
Hey.
I am not done driving.
You'll get your drive-through window over my dead body.
Arthur, I would never want you dead.
Locked away in a nursing home, okay.
Why don't you stop gripping the wheel so tight.
You need to relax.
Lean back
and let the beads do their thing.
I'm just so nervous about that stupid test.
If I fail it again,
- I might never get my license back. - You're gonna be fine, okay?
You've been behind the wheel since...
they invented the wheel.
Okay? So l-let's find a place
where we can practice your three-point turns.
That's right. Right, right.
- Three-point turn. Three-point turn. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Hey, yo, why don't you try driving with both feet? - (chuckles) What?
Well, it helped me.
Oh, well, last time I listened to you,
I discovered "Beyonce."
Her name is Beyoncé.
- Beyoncé, Beyoncé. - Mm, yeah.
So, the employee bathroom is currently over there,
but we can relocate that to, uh,
the Shell station on the corner.
And then the drive-through window will go right there.
(tires screeching)
Or right there.
Hey, Fawz.
FRANCO: Hey, Arthur.
What about a cup of coffee, man? It might make you feel better.
Stop fussing. I'm fine.
"Fine"?
You just drove your car through a building, man.
- Have a seat. - Look, I don't want to sit,
all right?
I got a couple of those beads jamming up my tailpipe.
You know, an accident like that
really puts things into perspective.
Makes that grease fire I started in the kitchen
seem like nothing.
Grease fire?
- There was a grease fire in the kitchen? - Hey.
All that matters is that you're alive.
All right, all right.
Thanks to you, Arthur,
there's a giant hole in the front of my store.
How am I supposed to run a sweatshop
with a cool, refreshing breeze?
Look, I'm sorry. It was an accident.
I was heading to my shop, but I couldn't let that happen,
so I swerved into your shop.
All right, I smoothed it over with the cops.
They're gonna ignore your expired license
and just give you a moving violation.
Oh, thanks, Randy.
- But then we got to have a talk. - Hmm?
I think it's time you consider giving up driving.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
(sighs) Arthur, you just drove through Fawz's shop.
Yeah, but that was my fault. I-I was trying to teach him
how to drive with both feet, and he got all confused.
Franco, stop.
You're not doing him any favors.
Yeah, but what about his road trip
and all the states he wants to see?
And all the stores he wants to crash into.
Arthur, do you remember my dad?
He didn't want to give up his keys,
and then he rear-ended someone.
That guy ended up in the hospital,
and my dad never got over it.
(groans) Maybe you're right.
Maybe that accident was a sign.
I had a sign. You crashed into it.
Randy, look, I know that crash was bad,
but this dude's driven for years
without a single incident, all right?
And you got a lot of life left.
What about the freedom of the open road?
A-And all the states you want to see?
Yeah, I'll bet you could be in and out of Alabama
before they even realize you're Jewish.
- Franco, it's the responsible thing to do. - No.
He's not giving up. Nah.
He owes it to himself and Joanie to finish that trip.
Will you stop talking like I'm not even here?
It's my decision,
and I'm not gonna be pushed into it by either of you.
Bossing me around, treating me like I'm some old man
who talks to himself.
Well, who the hell am I gonna talk to, any...?
Hey, have you seen Arthur?
- He's not returning my texts. - I haven't seen him all day.
He called me to cover for him.
I hope he's not upset.
I just don't want to see him get hurt.
I'm sure he knows that, Randy.
Well, Harry's wedding was beautiful.
I don't know what the other Prince Harry's wedding's
gonna be like, but it's got a lot to live up to.
Really?
Did the queen show up?
He's a Prince impersonator.
There were tons of queens.
Tush, you look very handsome.
Oh, my God, Sofia.
We have got to get you a boyfriend.
Hey. What can I get you?
I'm looking for Arthur Przybyszewski.
He sold me a car, and I'm here to pick it up.
What? He sold his car?
And you're buying it?
He said the keys and title
would be under the register in an envelope.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
He tell you it was old
and the car big as hell...
and just got in an accident?
Yeah. It's for my teenage daughter.
She's been kind of an ass lately,
so I'm trying to take her down a notch.
Damn.
I can't believe Arthur just sold his car.
I guess he's just giving up.
Look, Franco, it's hard for all of us to see Arthur slowing down.
But obviously he thinks it's time, so we have to be supportive.
(horn honks)
What the hell is this?
That's my new car.
Well, it's used, but it's new to me.
Well, why'd you do that? You don't even have a license.
Oh, uh, yes, I do.
Yo, so you did take the test.
That's right. First thing this morning.
You know, I was thinking about what you said yesterday
about my road trip,
so I went home, and I dug up...
Please don't say Joanie.
No. My old atlas.
I had dog-eared all the states that we'd seen.
It just got me excited, you know,
to finish what I started.
So I stopped doubting myself,
marched right down to the DMV,
and took that test
and barely passed with flying colors.
- (laughs) That's awesome, man. - Yeah.
And then I started thinking,
now, if I wanted to see those last three states,
well, my old car's not gonna make it.
So I got myself something fun and zippy.
So, if you're keeping your parking spot,
how about my drive-through window?
I've already paid off a lot of people,
and the mayor does not give refunds.
Well, I'm sorry, Fawz, but I got a lot of time left,
and I'm gonna spend it taking life by the horns
and showing it who's boss.
That's great, Arthur.
- I'm happy for you. - Thank you.
Your blinker's still on, Arthur.
I know. I'm making a turn later.
(panting): Look what I got.
- A permanent license. - Oh.
Congratulations.
Why aren't you an organ donor?
Oh, 'cause I'm black.
If I get a scratch, they take my brain.
- Give me that. - Oh.
So, what are you gonna do with your new license?
I don't know, man.
There's... You know, there's this cool, new art exhibit
in Detroit. I-I'm thinking about taking Tavi there.
That's great, kid. I'm gonna lend you my car.
Kind of a thank you for helping me to get my license.
Nah, thank you, man.
Hearing all those stories about Joanie was so cool.
I-I want to make memories like that with Tavi.
Yeah, well, there's not gonna be enough room
in that Mini Cooper to make memories like we did.
Wow. (Chuckles)
A road trip.
It sounds like you and Tavi are getting really serious.
Next thing you know, you'll be moving in together,
getting married, having kids.
(chuckles) Buying a house next to the Obamas.
I'm just trying to see Detroit, man.
So thirsty.
You know, if you're that desperate for male attention,
I'll take you for one lap around the block.
Come on.
You, too. Let's go.
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com