Fuck Wolverine.
First, he rides my coattails with the R rating.
Then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying.
What a dick.
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
I'm dying in this one, too.
To understand why I took a cat-nap
on 1, 200 gallons of high-test fuel...
I need to take you back
to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago.
I'd gone international,
taking out mass murderers, gangsters,
unspeakable monsters.
People nobody would touch. Except me.
I'm gonna touch them all over.
Hey, it's Gail calling.
Love the shiny suit.
Really brings out
the sex trafficker in your eyes.
Whatever they're paying, I'll double it.
I don't speak Cantonese, Mister...
Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that.
The sex trafficker in your eyes.
Where is the library?
Which literally translates to...
I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.
I am so sorry.
I thought this was an anal-bleaching party.
Don't worry. You're not going to die.
Although these will kill you.
Hit it, Dolly.
I'm merely a vessel for the Lord.
Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!
Whoo! Do not go in there!
Let's see Captain America do that.
Too exotic?
I don't bargain.
Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out!
Cut. I've got bad guy blood, right in my open eye.
Oh, that's so gross.
Fuck.
Looks like you left a little landing strip there.
I like it.
Oh, man!
My world tour brought me home
to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
But we'll get to him in a moment.
'Cause I know what you're thinking.
"I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home."
But that's where you'd be wrong.
That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now...
and, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film.
True story.
And every good family film starts with a vicious murder.
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
Holy shit pickles! That guy's on fire.
That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire.
Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right?
But this guy?
He was one of the worst of 'em.
Hurry up and open this fucking door,
and let's kill this motherfucker!
Ugh. So gross.
A panic room? Really?
Can you come out?
I really have to go. It's my anniversary.
Over and over, I hear people say,
"I just don't have enough confidence."
Listen, confidence is not something you have.
It's something you create.
And you can create it at any moment in time.
A sense of confidence is nothing
but a sense of power within yourself...
a sense of certainty that you can pull something off.
Start the fucking car!
Dopinder!
Start the fucking car!
Shoot that motherfucker! Shoot him!
Whoo! Oh, I shit my pants.
Actually, that may have been me.
Oh, mission accomplished?
Oh, in a George W. sort of way.
Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever.
Oh, you're living the dreams, DP.
It has been quite the run, Dopinder,
and who'da thought?
Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.
Passion of the Christ, then me.
At least domestically.
We beat them overseas,
where there's no such thing as religion.
I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy.
Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks.
I want to fill my... Pockets?
- What's your poison? - A little, uh, cokey cokey?
Can't maintain an erection
without buying shoes online?
I've never experienced that last one.
Talk to me, Goose.
I was going to say "soul". I want to fill my soul.
I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir.
- Dopinder... - Hmm?
You never cease to surprise me.
You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary.
We all need a sense of belonging.
We all need a genuine sense of home.
A place in this world.
I want to become a contract killer.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu
and threatened him with great violence?
You kind of killed him.
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
Don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed
10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood
for the first time...
and she looked up at his smooth,
handsome face and said...
"I want some more."
Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
I'll never not picture that.
But I can't wait to never speak of this,
as soon as possible.
We're here.
Dopinder, it's me again.
Look, a saner man might discourage you
from joining the deadly merc business...
what, with your concave chest
and your paper towel tube arms.
But you're an eagle...
and goddamn it, an eagle's gotta soar.
You gotta grab those dreams,
grab those dreams by the dick tip...
and make it rain!
I don't know what that means.
Me neither.
I'm gonna see you...
at the office.
In the sky.
You're my Tom Cruise!
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
Kristen? Kirsten?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch of
handicapable children stuck in a tree...
and I had to, uh... Uh-uh.
You're right. I was fighting a caped badass.
But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.
No. You got me.
I was rounding up all the gluten in the world
and launching it into space...
where it can't not hurt us ever again.
Try again.
Diarrhea?
We can't be sure until I get this suit off...
but, uh, all signs point to yes.
Traffic?
Hmm?
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit.
Don't you want your surprise?
Do I look like a patient burn victim?
I got one for you, too.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Open, open, open.
Skee-Ball token.
Our first date.
Yup.
That's genuine, high-grade lead.
I'll keep it forever.
Thank you, baby.
- Open yours. - All right, all right.
Oh...
That's just the most beautiful thing that I've...
I don't know what this is.
My IUD.
A bomb?
No, dick for brains. My birth control device.
What, you mean that your...
Baby factory's open for business.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I want a boy!
Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other!
Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name.
Like Cher or Todd.
You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy.
Yes, I do.
Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss.
Let's do that.
Papa...
Can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Does this song sound familiar to you?
May.
- Connor, if it's a boy. - May, if it's a girl.
So weird.
Family was always an F-word to me.
My pile of shit father took off and bailed.
I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models
to draw off of for Todd.
Hey. Look at me.
You are not your father.
Besides...
I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.
But here's the thing,
isn't that how it always works?
Like in Star Wars,
men are destined to become their father...
and then have consensual sex with their sister?
I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.
No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.
Baby, that's Empire.
The point is, kids...
they give us a chance to be better than we are.
Better than we used to be.
You're a lot smarter than I look.
I'm gonna go make dessert.
You get the strap-on. Let's make a super baby.
Pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but we can try.
What about Krystal? But with a "K"?
It's too stripper-y.
Kevin with a "K"!
No, too stripper-y, too.
Uh, Earl!
He's gonna go straight to jail
if we name him Earl.
What about Bruce?
No.
Get down.
What?
Baby? Baby?
I'm okay.
Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader.
Please.
Please. Please.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
No!
Papa, can you hear me?
Is it just me, or does
Do You Want to Build a Snowman? from Frozen...
sound suspiciously like
Papa, Can You Hear Me? from Yentl?
Papa, can you hear me?
And nobody fucking realizes it.
Wade, you gotta go home.
You've been sitting here for three days, okay?
You smell like sauerkraut left in the warm rain.
Like wet garbage in hot urine.
You smell like a dog ate kitty litter...
and then farted his way out of the living room.
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's
couch cushions after Shark Week.
I love Frozen.
I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water.
An ocean is water.
More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know?
George Michael was right.
I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck!
He's dead, too.
At least we still have Bowie.
Oh, Mr. Pool. David Bowie is...
Uh, uh, uh...
still with us.
We do. We'll always have Bowie.
I'm sorry.
Shot after shot,
it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're...
Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now?
You're making the face that you make when you urinate.
Is he pissing? I'm on it!
There you go, Dopinder.
If you want to be a contract killer...
you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun.
Although I don't quite understand
how they are at all similar.
'Cause I could shove either one up your ass and kill you.
Now, leave me.
I get it.
Go home, Wade.
I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a...
Okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You know what "fine" stands for, Wade?
Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional.
According to the...
- Kübler-Ross. - Yeah.
According to the Kübler-Ross model...
denial is just one of the five stages of grief.
Jesus Christ, Buck!
No more speaking lines for you.
Hey, bud. Bud.
- Huh? - Got a match?
Match?
Yes, I have one right here.
Don't make a move. This is a stick-up.
- What? - You heard me.
Mister, Mister, put down that gun.
Shut up. Now, come on. Your money or your life?
Look, bud, I said, "Your money or your life."
"I'm thinking it over!"
Motherfuck!
Fuck!
The hell you doin' here?
Don't you know how to knock?
I thought you saw me...
with your ears.
You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the...
The wall?
The refrigerator? I'm in so much pain.
I heard the news, sweetie.
I'm very sorry. lam.
What am I gonna do, Al?
Probably something terrible.
Knowing you.
It was my fault.
I fucking did this.
And all I wanna do is grab her and see her
and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't.
She's gone.
Sweetheart, can you speak up?
It's a little hard to hear you
with that pity dick in your mouth.
Now, look, sugar. You need to just keep living.
Thank you...
Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure.
Listen to the pain.
It's both history teacher and fortune teller.
Pain teaches us who we are, Wade.
Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying.
But we can't really live till we've died a little, can we?
Wade?
- Wade? - I'm right here, Althea.
And that is the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
And you're absolutely right.
I'm about to do something terrible.
Precious, aren't they?
Whoa!
Are you a superhero?
Fucking A, sweetie.
What's your name?
Captain Delicious Pants.
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
I can't believe he's still alive.
I can't believe you left the house in that shirt.
There's gotta be some way to die.
I just need to die harder.
Trademark Fox.
Y'all caught up now?
Open for business.
Your crazy matches my crazy.
I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.
Skee-Ball token.
You're a lot smarter than I look.
About why we're so good together.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Ness.
Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you.
Your heart's not in the right place.
Wait, hold on. What?
Your heart's not in the right place.
Wait. What do you mean
my heart's not in the right place? What does it...
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade.
You're broken.
Oh, God. I know that voice.
Well, Russell.
I hear you're handy at picking locks.
There will be no need for that here.
There's no locks on our doors, no bars on our windows.
I know what you're thinking.
Why don't the kids just run?
Who would choose to stay in such a place?
You stay because...
deep down inside, you know you're unfit to leave.
Don't worry.
We can fix that.
Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.
"Heart's in the right place."
"Heart's in the right..." What does that mean?
Take your mask off, Wade.
I wish you'd said "pants".
Let's play a game.
It's called "Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".
Now, close your eyes and open your mouth.
You don't need to be funny here.
We must talk.
You need fresh start.
Such a glare.
It's like I'm on stage at the Gaiety.
With training, you can be X-Man.
You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus.
I'm not X-Man material.
Understatement of the year.
Wade, Yukio.
Yukio, Wade.
What in the fuck knuckles is this?
She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends.
I'm just surprised anyone would date you.
Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.
I like this guy.
Give him a chance.
It's great seeing you like this.
Yeah.
Bye, Wade!
Now, some ground rules while under our roof.
"Rule number one. No killing...
"anyone ever, no matter how bad.
"Rule two. Label everything in refrigerator."
Wade?
- Don't try to chase me. - Wade!
I'm not ready to be touched again.
All these old guys on the wall.
Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?
Those were already damaged after they fell there!
What am I supposed to do around here, anyway?
Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings?
And how would I do that exactly?
'Cause where the fuck is everyone?
It's always just you
and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever...
Enough!
I said no touching!
What the fuck?
You'd think the studio would throw us a bone.
One that doesn't end up in my mouth.
The first movie made more money
than the guy who invented pants.
They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men?
How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings?
What do those do anyway, huh?
Carry him three feet off the ground
to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb?
No, no, no!
I am not X-Man material at all.
First off...
I'm not even a virgin. Second and more...
I should have left you
in the self-pitying mess I found you in.
But this is what friends do. They show up!
Not when convenient or easy.
When hard, and you always make it hard.
You are unwell.
I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here.
Wait. One of the assholes
who killed Vanessa got away.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I thought you were gonna kiss me for a second there.
Please know I wouldn't be able to stop you if you did.
Wade, whoever they are...
we track them down and bring them to justice.
It was me.
I'm the asshole who got away.
I killed every last one of them, except me.
Couldn't kill me.
We were gonna start a family.
We were, uh...
We were gonna be a family.
Wade...
Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back.
This may not be family you want...
but it's family you need.
You have a good heart.
It belongs here where it can grow.
What did you say?
About my heart?
I think I'm in the right place.
I'mma tell you what the big lie is.
Toilet paper.
What's so bad about toilet paper?
Gets the job done.
Does it really get the job done?
All right. Say you wake up tomorrow morning...
and, hypothetically, find some fresh shit on your face.
Your cheek, maybe a little bit in the beard.
What the hell? I'm about to be fucking sick!
What do you do?
Do you go to a bathroom
and tear off a piece of dry tissue...
and rub it around on your beard a little bit
and then go on, get on with your day?
Go to church, maybe dinner and a movie,
like nothing happened?
Where is this coming from, man?
But something did happen.
Your face smells like shit. Right?
So what you would do,
is you would get some soap, you'd get some hot water...
and you would scrub the fucking shit
out of your beard for 10 straight minutes.
You could not scrub it enough.
Are you trying to make me feel disgusting?
I'm starting to feel...
Toilet paper is a plenty fine appetizer.
But, then...
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
That's your main course.
They're soft, they're moist. They're for babies.
Finally, one more pass with toilet paper,
maybe clear out that excess moisture.
Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go,
if you can get you a hair dryer.
Just about 30 seconds would do you good.
The fuck?
Year.
What?
What year is it?
What kind of dumb-ass question is that to ask?
We have 8 weeks of boot camp ahead of us, men.
That'll get us toned and prepared
for all manner of combat.
Not working out at all.
Masking tape.
It is no friend to chilled aluminum.
Velcro. Color-coded, efficient,
environmentally friendly.
Who is he talking to?
And why is he dressed like a registered sex offender?
Can we focus for a moment, ladies?
Please, we need to talk about next month's meal plan.
Obviously, everyone hated the ceviche.
I read the suggestion box.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
I see through this weak act.
You may have fooled Colossus with this nice guy shit...
but not me.
Don't be mean.
Back Off, NTW.
No, no, no. Let her go.
Let her go, it's okay.
She has a right to be skeptical.
Look at me. I'm an easy target.
You know, historically,
mischief has been my mistress...
so I understand, you know. But I like to think...
that you guys have really rubbed off on me.
I like to think that I've rubbed off around you, too.
A lot.
And for the first time in a long while...
I like me.
I accept your apology. I never apologized.
I was talking to your heart.
See? You're not lost cause you thought.
I'm proud. You're everything I knew you can be.
Thank you, Colossus.
Just trying to be the world's best X-Man.
Sorry, X-Person.
Hmm. Something wrong with the soap.
It's fine.
I just filled it. Give it a few more pumps there.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
it's dust bunny season...
and I'm hunting wabbits.
Bye, Wade!
- Fuck. - Fuck you.
No one is born perfect.
But you can be.
I know you're doing what comes naturally.
You can't help yourself.
But you can.
It takes work, discipline...
and treatment.
Your abilities...
I know how seductive they are.
How powerful they make you feel.
But you must learn never to use them...
so they will never use you.
Please don't cry.
I'm going to help.
I'm gonna make you feel what you should feel.
How you need to feel...
every time you're tempted to act upon your urges.
Suck my mutant dick, you four-eyed fuck.
Wade.
Wade!
- Come in! - Hey, I was just doing
a little bit of light reading here...
We have mission.
Well, you guys be safe out there.
I'll be praying for you.
No, I want you to join.
I'm sorry, what?
You heard me.
Trust me, that's a terrible idea.
I'm really not ready.
- You are ready. - I'm not.
Be at the X-Jet in five.
I can do thirty.
- Now. - I can do now.
Final offer.
Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
Live here at a breaking news situation
at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation.
A mutant boy is appearing to have
some sort of an incident...
- with police here behind me. - Get away from me!
There are two police vehicles that are overturned.
There are open fires. Fuck off! Stay back!
A scene of absolute chaos here.
Calm down.
I'll burn you! You stay back!
Get away from me!
You wanna fucking die?
And it appears as if the X-Men are arriving...
Scatter!
...with what appears to be a trainee.
Everyone, calm down! The pros are here. I...
We're the X-Men!
A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s.
So, respect.
At ease, Officer.
What are you doing?
My job!
You're the one who said I was ready,
and I frankly disagreed with you.
But here we are, trying to overcome our differences.
Like Beyoncé says, "Please...
"Please, stop cheating on me."
Hey!
This is the fifth incident.
This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here.
Russell belongs in our care.
Not in prison. I assure you...
we have everything under control.
Stay back! I'll burn you!
Not getting a real
"under control" vibe here, Marty.
- It is Glen, isn't it? - Daniel.
I'll ask the questions, Miguel.
Let me talk to the kid.
You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips.
You wanna die?
This kid's adorable.
I don't know why I packed the hollow points.
I'll burn your balls off!
First day. I'm so nervous!
Did you just say "hollow points"?
Yeah, probably should've
brought a Super Soaker.
Hi, there!
Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!
Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, let's not do whatever that is.
Okay? Let's just talk!
It's Russell, right?
- Firefist. - Firefist.
Ooh, that's a great name. Where does it burn?
Just the fist, or all the way up to the elbow?
Definitely all the way up to the elbow.
Come quietly, or there will be trouble.
- You stole that from Robocop! - That's from Robocop!
Just stand down!
You're embarrassing me. Look, Fire...
Oh, my God! I can't say it! I'm so sorry!
Oh, shit! That fucking does it!
Put your hands behind your knees
and get down on your head! Now!
Wade! What was first rule?
Label everything in the refrigerator!
Do not escalate! Rules are meant to be broken!
That's the exact opposite
of what they're meant for!
Fuck! Fine!
I'll start from the beginning.
My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man.
- Trainee! - Shut it!
Look, I get it.
All right, you're scared.
Alone.
You got no family.
I didn't have a family, either.
You live in this dump. Guess what?
I used to live in a shithole just like it.
But you know something?
A wise woman once said to me...
"Speak up.
"I can't hear you with that pity dick in your mouth."
Too much? I went too far.
That was effervescent.
Stay in school, kid.
Or don't. I didn't.
And I'm an X-Man.
Trainee.
Fuck it!
Superhero landing coming up!
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
That is so not practical.
I could get used to this X-Man shit.
Trainee!
Get a power restraint on him. Now!
Calm down, squirt. It's over. We got ya.
What's that do?
Power-dampening collar.
Shuts down all mutant abilities.
You can't get it off. Unless you've got a grenade.
Huh. Could've used one of those in the first act.
Thank you!
That was absolutely thrilling.
True heroism in action.
We are in your debt.
We can take it from here.
Take me to the Ice Box, please!
Anywhere's better than here.
Believe me, son,
you do not wanna go to the Ice Box.
That place makes Hitler's anus look like Waikiki.
Let's get you inside, young man.
No, wait, wait. Wait.
You guys stay there.
Those guys hurt you?
Who?
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
Both of 'em?
Oh, fuck it.
Four or five moments!
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments!
That's all it takes to be a hero.
People think you wake up a hero...
brush your teeth a hero...
ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero.
But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments!
A few moments...
doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.
No!
Stand down! Hold your fire!
Wade, what did you do? Colossus, no!
You were right, Wade. You are not X-Men material.
No shit, Shiny Gandhi!
What was your first clue?
The hollow point through that fuckheads face?
That kid was abused!
- You can always tell! - We have rules!
You are not judge, jury or executioner!
Fuck your rules! I fight for what's right!
And sometimes you gotta fight dirty!
You let me down for the last time, Wade.
Okay, get these guys in the pod.
Take them to the Ice Box.
Hey, baby!
I wonder what gang I'll be in.
Yeah!
- Is there, like, a Sorting Hat? - Hi.
I've always seen myself as
more of an East Coast Hufflepuff.
I've made a critical error on my Airbnb reservation.
This is not what the website looked like at all.
I love the decor though.
I had no idea hopeless was a color.
Hard left, douchebag.
Please, after you.
Another disgusting minority off the streets.
We'll sleep well tonight.
Let's get a bagel.
Nighty-night, you annoying prick!
You're a long way from your superpowers.
Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.
Not to worry, we're old friends.
Fuck!
I wanted to be a superhero.
Always wanted a real super suit.
What happened?
When was the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero?
Never
The industry discriminates.
Fuck superheroes.
The thing that pisses me off the most...
I never stood up for myself in there.
My whole life.
I've been waiting for someone to come and save me.
Nobody's gonna sacrifice anything for me.
I gotta start taking care of myself.
I have a mission now.
The first thing I wanna do when I get out of here...
burn the headmaster alive...
and then take a selfie with his smoldering corpse.
Aw. That's, like, my favorite part of the Bible.
I don't have a sock puppet on me...
but what did he do to you?
Did he taste the rainbow?
I'd whisper it, but Skittles would sue us.
Fucker hates mutants.
He tried to beat the genes out of us.
Nothing worse than a "pray the gay away" type guy.
Sick piece of shit.
Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here...
and we'll make him our bitch!
What was that?
That is the biggest guy in here.
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
though no one's ever seen it,
they keep a monster in the basement.
Right next to a huge,
steaming bowl of foreshadowing.
Look.
I can't protect you.
With this collar on,
my superpower is just unbridled cancer.
Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits.
I'll start by making us a shank.
Good listening. I stole that guard's pen...
and stashed it in the old prison wallet,
if you know what I'm saying.
I really hope I don't know what you're saying.
I know it's in there, I just need to get it out.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I can hear you rummaging around in there.
Do they make Purell for your ears?
And to update you
on the story reported earlier,
after a lengthy standoff
outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation...
two mutants were arrested
and transported to the Ice Box...
Entering repair mode.
...several police cars were destroyed
and the X-Men were called in to restore order.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits for medical personnel.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits for medical personnel.
Psst!
Don't do that.
What? Why are you winking at me?
I got your back.
Oh, my God.
You're sick, I gotta protect you.
Just leave me alone, kid.
Oh, great.
Well, hello there, new fish.
It's nice to see some fresh faces around here.
I've done some light catalog work...
but, really, modeling is just a stepping stone to acting.
I was talking to him. Oh.
Have we met? I can't place your mustache.
Black Tom Cassidy. White Wade Wilson.
What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation?
You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here.
You don't look like much to me.
First rule of the yard, fuckface...
find the biggest guy and make him your...
Second biggest guy.
The last thing I need is more hepatitis.
Oh, it's slippery, too. This table needs a wipe down!
Can we get a wipe down on the table?
Kid, I think you picked the wrong side.
No, I didn't! He's my friend!
Zip it. We're not friends.
You're about to get dick-slapped.
I had so much fun! You were like...
And I was like, "Take a seat, shit dick."
Just let me die in peace.
We make a great team!
Oh, God! We're not a team.
Why'd you say that back there? We're friends, partners.
We're not partners or friends.
This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset.
It ends with me dying of cancer...
and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth.
There's only one person in this world
that I care about, and she's gone.
You wanna survive?
Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here...
and make friends with them.
Make friends with someone.
Anyone but me.
Maybe even Black Tim.
Black Evan, I don't know.
All I remember is he was African-American.
System malfunctioning.
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
Back in your cells, you filthy mutants! Get in there!
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
Searching.
Cell 04 located.
Door won't open!
On your fucking knees!
That was our cell.
What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker
with a Winter Soldier arm?
Get away from me, kid!
Listen to me! Go!
Hello, Russell.
I don't bargain.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
Ooh!
Oh. That's got some zip.
Don't feel bad. Even I can't kill me.
Talk!
What kind of spineless shit stick
tries to kill a 14-year-old boy?
You might wanna start talking!
'Cause I got a long history of firing at times like this!
The name's Cable.
I'm from the future. Just walk away.
Oh!
So, you're from the future.
I have three questions then.
One, is dubstep still a thing?
Two, do people still homebrew?
And three, does Dopinder ever find love?
Dubstep's for pussies.
You're so dark!
Are you sure you're not from the DC universe?
I love dubstep!
Is that a fanny pack?
I used to have one of those in 1990-never.
Something to remember you by.
Give me that back! That goes with me everywhere.
Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack!
Why are you protecting the kid?
I don't give a fuck about him...
and his Are You My Mother? complex!
What's this one do?
In every film, there's a moment
when the hero hits rock bottom.
In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's
prized bobs/ed broke.
In Human Centipede, it was when those people...
signed on to be in that movie.
But in this film, well...
you're looking at it.
On your fucking knees, mutant.
Rock...
meet bottom.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Hey, Ness!
Ness, can you let me in?
Please! Please.
Jesus.
You're not giving me a lot of direction here.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Then I joined the X-Men.
I went to prison. I, uh...
Is it the kid?
Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be.
The kid!
That's exactly what she meant.
Your heart needs to be in the right place.
I'm not gonna abandon this kid.
He's never had anyone, ever.
I need to be selfless.
Yeah, but what does that mean?
It means I'm gonna save Russell.
Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa...
but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand.
Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless."
I literally don't know what that means.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, look. According to my guy, okay...
those muties are being transferred
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way.
Hold your testicles there, buddy, okay?
We're talking about an armored convoy...
and a vicious super soldier from the future...
that is looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray.
You know what we need to do?
We need to build a fucking team.
We need 'em tough, morally flexible...
and young enough so they can carry
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
A team of highly-skilled motherfuckers.
I'm talking about some Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two.
John Wick 3, but with the original director.
My body is an instrument of death.
Not now, Dopinder.
I could be of great use.
What's your superpower?
Courage. That's adorable.
Do you have the courage to check and see...
if there are enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry you had to see that,
although I'm glad you heard it.
All right, I'll put out a call for resumes.
But we're not paying medical or dental.
It's time to get back on Linkedln.
Attention, all inmates!
Transport to Cross Force Maximum Security
Mutant Containment Facility...
will begin at 0800 hours.
Inspection of your cells and out processing
will begin at 0600.
Oi.
What the fuck do you want?
That's my fucking pudding.
Fuck your pudding! You like pudding?
Hello?
I know you're in there.
Must be hard being the biggest guy in here.
Lonely at the top, eh?
They're moving us tomorrow.
Maybe I can get you out of here.
And we can make the whole world our bitch.
We need a secret code.
No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
We're a team.
We're like thugs, we're like gangsters.
I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube.
Supposedly, she can rap, too.
Yeah.
I like that.
Terrific, these are all terrific.
Meet Bedlam.
Cool name! Superpowers?
I can distort electrical fields.
Including the one inside your brain...
causing anxiety, confusion...
pain.
So, basically, you're Dave Matthews.
We can use him.
I'm Zeitgeist.
Cool. I like it.
So you have the power
to put your finger on the pulse of society?
No.
No, I spit acidic vomit.
- Oh. - Do you want me
- to demonstrate? - No!
We'll take your word for it.
Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?
And this is the Vanisher.
But...
Vanisher!
- Nice! - Right?
He's not here, is he?
He may be running late.
My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar.
That's good, yeah.
- "Rusty" is terrible. - Toughie.
- So, uh, where are you from? - The planet Mojo World.
- So you're an alien, I guess. - Bad name.
How does that, uh, help us?
I'm basically better than you at everything.
Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people
that are worse than me at everything.
A whole bunch of functional idiots.
I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be their Superman.
Isn't that Canada?
You shut your goddamn trash mouth!
Meet... Domino.
- What's your shtick? - I'm lucky.
That's not a superpower.
- Yeah, it is. - No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't.
- Yeah, it is. - No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't.
- Yeah, it is. - Really isn't.
- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.
Told you.
Get out of my head!
I'm not in your head.
I'm in an 11-year-old's bedroom.
Well, if you're so lucky,
then what are you doing here with us?
I don't know yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
There's a reason why I'm here, and I'll know when I know.
Everything usually just kind of works out for me.
Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.
I don't know who that is.
You're hired.
Lucky me.
I like her!
And last, but not least...
Peter.
Am I getting catfished here or...?
Any powers you wanna tell us about?
PETER; No.
I don't have one.
Um, I just saw the ad.
No superpowers at all?
Uh, I have both Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.
OW! Oh!
That's all the diabetes.
- Right? - Yeah, you got 'em all.
If you find a Type 3, let us know.
Yeah.
You're in.
- Yeah. - Fuck!
It's fulfilling work.
Let's go!
This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box.
We are en route.
Peacetime makes people soft.
I was born into war.
Bred into it.
Okay-
What's the most pain you've ever felt?
These restraints are pretty...
People think they understand pain.
They have no concept of it
beyond their own worst experience.
5 years old. That's what?
A bee sting.
Oh, yeah.
20 years old, shrapnel.
40 years old, disease.
Maybe the kind that leaves you more machine than man.
Yeah, getting old's not for sissies.
That's what my Grandma Ginny used to...
I've got a list.
We're gonna work down it.
Together.
Number one, I'm gonna bend something.
Something that was not meant to bend.
I'm gonna stop you right there
because I'm not gonna make it to two.
I won't even make it to one.
I don't do well with pain, you know.
If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day.
I cried when they canceled Felicity.
When I get really scared, I get nervous erections.
I have one right now.
Don't look. It'll only make it worse.
I don't want you to hurt me,
and I'll tell you anything you wanna know.
Except for where they are.
Russell's in a convoy heading southbound
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
The monster's with them. I wouldn't fuck with him.
You all know the plan.
Intercept the convoy,
grab the boy. But not inappropriately!
You know what,
I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either.
Because he's built a team. He's unstoppable.
He has an ass pen. He'll stab you with it.
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics.
And if we succeed, we all go home early.
So if you go after them, Cable, I warn you...
there's a wind advisory in effect.
A little turbulent up here.
I don't know much about this Cable fella...
but I guarantee he hasn't killed
as many people as melanoma has.
We're getting close!
As a former X-Man...
- Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam.
I was always appalled by the blatant sexism
in the group's name.
X-Men! Men!
The point is, our group will be forward thinking.
Gender neutral.
From now on, we'll be known as...
X-Force.
Isn't that a little derivative?
I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter!
That wasn't me.
Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet...
intercept the convoy, and grab the boy.
Let's bring on the carnage, baby!
Get me on the ground, watch me go!
Yeah!
I can't wait to kill!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I just wanna say how proud I am of this team.
You know, you guys look amazing!
Vanisher, I have no doubt you look amazing too.
This is the family
that I've always dreamed of having and I...
Ah, shit.
I just get a little choked up sometimes.
I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous
about the high winds?
- Gary. - My name's Peter.
I realize that you're new to this, but relax.
You've been chosen by a higher power.
Did he just call himself God? I think he did.
I'd like to go home. And I'd like...
the McRib to be available year round,
but sometimes dreams don't come true.
I spent 10 years in Special Forces.
You think we didn't jump out of the plane
because of a light breeze?
You're in this shit now, Mustache!
I'm only yelling to impress the other guys.
I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear.
Leonard, hit it!
Go! Go! Go!
Let's get some!
Whoo!
Oh. yeah!
Convoy, 12 o'clock! On my command!
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
Whoa!
Little off course here.
Holy mommy fucking shit!
Ah, there they are.
Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches.
Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam!
No! Tripping motherfucking billies!
Shatterstar. Okay, you got this.
Left!
You'd have to be insane to take off in this.
No, stage left, you idiot!
Well, I guess we found something
you're not better at.
Vanisher.
Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see.
Oh! Really?
All right, we could do this with four.
Sugarbear. You got this, buddy!
That's the stuff! That's the X-Force spirit!
Never underestimate a man with a mustache!
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
We did it!
You're a goddamn superhero, you!
X-Force!
X-Force.
Oh!
Peter.
I got you, buddy!
- You're gonna be fine! - This is not good, man!
You got this, big guy! Here we go, Peter!
Look at me. We're X-Force, right?
- Yeah, we're X-Force. - We're X-Force.
Oh, my God! What the fuck?
Fucking acidic vomit!
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask.
Okay, I'm over the convoy.
Where did the rest of the team land?
Good news and bad news.
Bad news is the whole team is dead.
The good news is,
I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar.
He was a bit of a prick. Oh, but Paul!
Peter!
Peter, I'm gonna miss him most.
But there is a slight chance
Vanisher could make it.
Nope, no chance. He's dead.
The whole team?
Only the main ones. We're still good.
Fuck, you are dumb.
Whoever planned this stunt's
been smoking a lot jazz cabbage.
I'll tell you that much.
That's pretty obvious!
Looking good, Vanisher.
They're headed into the tunnel.
I'm that kid's only hope,
so sit tight and wait for my word.
Whatever.
We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in.
Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor.
Luck is not a superpower! We are so fucked!
No, we most certainly are not fucked.
Seriously, I don't get it!
What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes?
It's just it's hard to picture.
And certainly not very cinematic.
I mean, luck?
What coked out, glass pipe-sucking
freakshow comic book artist...
came up with that little chestnut?
Probably a guy who can't draw feet!
Once again, it all falls on my shoulders.
It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act.
Wander the Earth... I'm in.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm in.
How in the fuck are you in already?
Oh, shit.
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
Okay.
New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers
to stop Cable from killing that kid.
I'm coming up on your six.
That gun is amazing!
Hey! Asshole!
Where is he? I can't see him.
He's on top of you.
He's tearing you open!
He's going in through the back!
Oh, God, he's inside!
You hear yourself, right?
Accidental double entendres!
Russell! Russell Collins!
Hands off that kid, John Connor!
No, no, no!
Shit!
Two can play that game!
Got it! No, I don't.
Showtime, mama!
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
I'd ask who you are, but you'll be dead in a second.
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
Hang in there, Doms!
Oh, this is really hard.
And give me back my Skee-Ball token.
You're doing great. X-Force.
I guess dubstep never dies.
Whoo!
You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch!
That's unfortunate.
We got no brakes!
Figure it out!
There's nothing I can't kill.
Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin used to say...
"There's a first time for everything, son."
Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy.
Those bullets were, like, super fast.
Here we go.
Domino, mind slowing us down?
Here goes nothing.
Knock, knock.
That's my boy.
Holy...
I'll be first to admit...
this did not go according to plan.
I'll also be the first to admit that
that plan was written in crayon.
Looks like Russell found a new friend. Jelly.
Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass,
and maybe, possibly mildly lucky.
But Cable? Ugh. That guy's in a mood.
A mood that is
about to get significantly worse.
Something is so terribly, terribly wrong.
Oh.
Oh, God, that hurt.
Suck it, Mel Gibson.
Russell.
Russell!
Russ, where are ya?
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
Oh, thank God. Oh, my God!
Juggernaut!
I thought that was you!
I should've worn my white pants.
You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan.
Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411.
X-Men Unlimited 12.
You know, it has always been a dream of mine...
to see my face reflected in your helmet...
as you charge at me with murderous intent.
I don't mean right now.
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
That is such a Juggernaut thing to say.
Oh, my God! I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel...
Oh, no, they're right here.
Got 'em. God, Russell.
I have a mission.
To get my revenge.
I'm going to burn that headmaster alive.
You're not the revenge type.
Take it from a friend.
Friend? You were sick, and I protected you.
You said it yourself.
"I'm not your friend. Find someone stronger."
So I did.
Russell, I couldn't protect you back then.
But I can now. What do you want me to say, huh?
"I care about you"? 'Cause goddamn it,
I care about you, Russell.
What's Juggernaut got that I don't have?
Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs!
Legs! Still hurts to hear out loud!
What is that? That's not a real rope!
You get back here, young man!
Doms!
Doms, get me out of here, please.
Use my arms as backpack straps.
I think we may have found
your cosmic reason for being here.
I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
X-Force.
No child is hopeless.
- Don't give up on the boy. - How could he just walk away?
It was the coldness in his eyes.
You should've heard it.
I guess family really is an F-word.
Rub my legs, Mama.
Why would I rub your legs?
Please, they hurt. I have growing pains.
What in the...
Why is your hand so tiny again?
That's not my hand.
Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph!
That was nice for me.
Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy and...
Why wouldn't you cover that up?
A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, but you do. Look at you.
You're just straight shirt-cocking it,
toddler-style.
Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
The hell's happening? Describe it.
I wouldn't ask him to do that, if I were you.
- It's like, um... - Here we go.
It's like he was giving birth anally,
but they quit halfway through.
They got the legs out, and they said,
"You know what, I'm done."
Happy?
It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down.
But this time, you can see
the Muppet's dick.
Grover's got a cock the size of a twig.
Mr. Weasel, I can no longer be double-parked.
I've had three tickets already.
No, no, no, DP, not again!
This has happened before?
Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
The indecision is killing me.
Why couldn't God take my hearing?
Oh. Wow!
Cool your pits. They're growing back.
I'm talking about your face.
I've never seen you without your mask before.
Jesus Christ! Looks like an avocado.
Your legs, though, they're cute.
You wanna borrow a pair of pants?
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
You must be wondering why I didn't call you here.
I'll tell you why I'm here.
"The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband“.
Beat me within an inch of my life.
He was torturing me!
But all I told him was everything he wanted to know.
So, I'm here to help us gear up.
So we can go after him without me.
WADE; No!
I'm doing this alone.
The Juggernaut
- will kill you all. - Fair enough.
I just need a couple of hours to get some legs
- under me. - What will you do?
I don't care what the kid did to me.
I ain't letting Cable get to him,
even if I have to teabag him to death.
It's really just a sip of tea at this point.
Zip it, black Black Widow! I'm flowing.
The first order of business is
to get me in front of Cable...
so I can pull all the fucking blood out of his body...
and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry.
Then, I'm gonna take his skin...
and stretch it out over a homemade mating drum.
He's standing right behind you, isn't he?
What in the ass?
Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr?
You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy.
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
No. It's his "Basic Instinct."
What can we help you with?
I'm here to proposition you.
Oh, boy!
He's really teeing it up, isn't he?
Who gets to make the first joke?
I think we should all do it at the same time.
Good call.
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
I only do over the pants, mouth stuff.
Fuck!
The Proposition has a wonderful
Guy Pearce performance.
Wait, wait, wait! I wanna do mine over.
Give us the line again. I need your help!
Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are...
but you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
I can't bring him down alone.
So here we are.
We're no longer accepting applications
for X-Force, unfortunately.
Even if we were...
there's a wind advisory in effect until at least...
We don't have a lot of time.
Your friend's about to make his first kill.
No offense, but if you know so much...
why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then?
Or better yet, head back a little further,
kill baby Hitler.
I use a device to slide through time.
The longer I travel, the harder it is to control.
I got two charges: one to get me here,
one to get me home.
Well.
That's just lazy writing.
Your boy's gonna kill the headmaster
of the orphanage tonight.
After that, he gets a real taste for it.
Like 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
So he keeps killing...
and killing, and killing,
and killing.
Until one day, he kills the wrong fucking people.
My People.
Relax.
I'm retrieving something from my utility bag.
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
and you know it, you sick son of a bitch!
The difference is night and day.
You remind me of my wife.
I'm sorry.
I said, "You remind me of my wife."
No, I'm sorry that you said that...
while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.
She always struggled.
But she was funny...
and filtered her pain through the prism of humor.
Something I could never master.
It was my fault she died.
It was my job to stop people like him.
I came close a few times.
He wasn't too happy about that.
He was trying to hurt me...
and he knew exactly how to do it.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
He came into my home...
and took the only thing that made it a home.
Sound familiar?
I'm sorry. Uh-huh.
No, I'm really sorry.
But that isn't Russell.
It doesn't have to be him. If you knew what I knew...
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
maybe a small learning disability...
splash of diabetes...
but nothing that can't be fixed.
If you could go back...
and stop the people that took your girl, would you?
No.
I'd buy them all a bouquet of hand jobs.
Of course I fucking would!
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
I'm not asking you to kill a kid!
I'll kill the kid.
I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids.
Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage.
And I can imagine your dead girlfriend...
would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she?
So, what's it gonna be, handsome?
Give me a chance to save him.
- What? - You said...
once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it.
If we can get to him before that happens...
promise you'll give me a chance
to put him on a different path.
Define "chance."
I don't know. How long does it take
to save someone's soul? That's not...
I'll give you 30 seconds.
- What? No! - Best I can do.
Take it or leave it.
He's doing it!
Look at the little fella. He's doing it.
There he goes.
Jesus Christ!
Just shirt-cocking it.
Ugh.
There you go, little fella.
Go on, you're doing it!
My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy.
Christ!
That's disturbing.
30 seconds.
- Deal. - Deal.
Man, that sucks they didn't have anything in your size.
I really wanted to match, you know?
Being a menacing team.
Oh, man, it sucks.
That was some cold-ass shit, kid.
And that is just the first five steps
to a prostate-assisted orgasm.
Where the hell are we going?
You said it yourself.
Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. We need backup.
I will bathe in the blood of your enemies.
Can you turn off the music?
You'll do no such thing.
Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent?
- I'm sorry? - Apology accepted.
This is a side of you I do not like.
Let me guess,
some of your best friends in the future are Indian.
What the hell are you...?
Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head.
I am so sorry. It gets better.
I'm not a fucking racist, moron!
That's precisely what a racist would say.
I'm with the old white guy on this one.
And that's a twist.
When this is over...
I'm going to fuck you to death with your own broken feet.
And a sexual predator, too. That's rich.
I should have finished college.
So what exactly do you
do in the future, anyway, huh?
Some kind of soldier?
Yeah, something like that.
I was a soldier. Special Forces.
I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies.
50 years from now, you're very dead.
Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma.
Boom!
Spoiler alert.
Planets.
Next time, Uber.
Here's a spoiler alert.
You're not a fucking hero.
You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.
Well, I got news for you.
My heart is in the right place.
Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like.
We're all going to die.
Because of you, I'll always know
what a grown man with baby balls looks like.
I'm a grower, not a shower.
God, I wish this were a bus
where I could pull the string and get out.
It's a good thing Cable's not driving,
or you'd be in the back.
- I am in the back. - Right here!
I made mistakes!
I wanna take them back!
You trusted me. I took that trust...
and turned it into a glory hole
in an airport bathroom.
The one in Minneapolis. You know the one.
But even you know I'm not a complete piece of shit.
I was once an X-Man.
Trainee!
You're still using my Velcro labels. Aw.
They do stick better than tape.
Hi, Wade!
Please don't.
Say whatever it is you're here to say. Make it quick.
Right. Quick.
It's the kid. Just like you, I let him down.
And just like me,
he's never had anyone sacrifice anything for him...
because the whole world wrote him off
as a piece of shit a long time ago.
Look, he's teamed up with the Juggernaut!
The Juggernaut!
Who's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever...
And hi, Yukio! That was really nice of you to say hi...
so I'm saying hi back.
You guys make a super cute couple.
Yeah. Where was I?
Oh, yeah. You should never meet your heroes...
because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick!
And like a lot of dicks, he's hard as a rock...
and causes nothing but problems!
Look, you can stop the Juggernaut. I know you can.
Do you know what would happen to me if I helped you?
I would be disgraced.
You are a criminal, a fugitive.
But worst of all...
you broke my heart, Wade.
Then you know what?
Your heart's in the wrong place, big guy.
Doing the right thing is sometimes messy...
and fucked up, and not particularly convenient!
So stay here in Château de Virgin...
while we go get our fuck on!
You're doing great.
So you wear that helmet because
your brother tries to read your mind?
Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-Steven.
Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir.
And he's not alone.
Secure the children.
They will not replace us.
What do you say we go fuck some shit up?
"Let's fuck some shit up" is my legal middle name.
Watch my back. I've got the old man.
Amen, brother.
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
I finally know why I'm here.
I was raised in this place.
Well, not raised. I was tortured.
Wow! It's your cosmic reason for being here.
Shall we? This is gonna be fun.
Yeah!
Hey! Been meaning to ask you...
what's with the dirty, disgusting hobo bear?
It's not dirt. It's the blood of my dead daughter.
Are You Bear, God? It's Me, Margaret.
Give me some.
They say laughter heals anything...
except, of course, that.
We should just cue the music.
Welcome home, Russell. We missed you.
Russell!
You don't need to do this! Let's talk!
Why are you dressed like the Unabomber?
That's why!
Told you this little fucker's too far gone.
Zip it, Thanos! We have a deal and you fuck...
Hey!
I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass.
My body and my hands are so soft.
You should probably head back to the car.
I think I'll head back to the car.
It works best when you pull the trigger.
That gun is amazing!
Say it!
You are an abomination!
Now, I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy.
I believe him! Every man for themselves!
Gotcha!
Beat it, midget!
Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low!
Oh, shit fuck!
Come here, beautiful.
Whoo!
Say it!
You came for me.
I'm not giving up on you,
and you are not giving up on that boy.
Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken?
It's time to fight dirty.
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
Hey! Pick on someone your own size!
That's such a you thing to say!
Go get him, tiger!
Big CGI fight coming up!
He's doing great.
Say it!
- Russell. - Bingo!
You see that bus?
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
That's right! I'm fighting dirty!
Oh, great!
There they are! Those freaks!
A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes.
Can I have one of those guns?
- No. - That's fine.
Get off this property, mutant scum!
I'm just gonna use this brick.
Maximum effort.
Who says you can't go home again?
On!
Yeah!
Say it.
Say what you said every time you tortured me!
Say it!
Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand!
Blessed are the wicked...
who are healed...
by my hand.
You commie motherfucker!
Oh, my God. Did you feel that, too?
Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.
You got 30 seconds, you jabbering butt plug!
Now we're getting it.
I need a bus to get you all out of here.
Orphans.
Oh, geez.
It's time to burn for what you've done!
A child should not be burdened with such power!
Russell! Wait!
Oh!
Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet!
What more do you need to see? Don't you fucking dare!
He's just a kid!
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring.
I told you! Leave me alone! Come on!
Listen to me!
That's how we do it
in Mother Russia.
They say millennials are the hardest to reach.
Oh, no. You're doing amazing.
Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!
Go home, Wade!
You're ruining everything!
I'm getting good at this shit.
Go, go, go!
He dies tonight, Wade.
You can't stop me!
He even runs like a fucking pervert.
Like an online predator who lost his laptop.
There's one bullet left in that gun.
Wait, wait, wait! Please, just give me a second!
I got this.
Russell! Stay back! Go home, Wade!
Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way!
That piece of shit...
he deserves to die for what he did to you.
He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others.
But if you kill him, he wins.
You become everything he says you are, but worse.
You're just a kid.
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
How do you know what I want?
Because I've been inside you.
That came out wrong.
I've been inside your shoes.
Which is also off-putting.
It's not a great analogy.
The point is...
there are people...
There are people in this fucking world...
besides him, who will treat you right.
It isn't too late. Don't do it.
I never should've left you there.
I never should've left you in that prison.
I can't trust you.
I can't trust anybody!
Wonderful kid.
You can't stop me, Wade!
I got one more idea.
It's just a really bad one, even for me.
Wade, what are you doing?
All right. This is for all the marbles, kid!
You're gonna kill someone today...
Blessed are the wicked...
...then it's gotta be me.
...who are healed by my hand!
Fuck this!
Tell me they got that in slow motion.
Oh, that's not good.
No, sir.
You sacrificed yourself for me.
Yeah.
And it was the best thing I ever did.
I told you I care about you.
You're a good kid, Russell.
Hey-
The bear.
It worked.
Because of you.
No, Wade, because of you.
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop!
Just let it happen, okay?
I guess my heart was finally in the right place.
That riddle is so fucked up.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Don't be. Don't be.
I've been trying to make this happen for a while.
Please, just don't leave me.
I don't wanna die without an audience.
We are not going anywhere.
Oh, God, I hope the Academy is watching.
Just rest, okay?
Papa.
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you find me in the night?
Before I go...
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
Domino.
I want you to have my Adventure Time watch.
Turns out that I'm the lucky one.
Thank you.
Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.
I liked you better with your hair short.
Think everyone did.
- Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade!
And you...
Chrome Bone.
I haven't always been the best friend to you.
But you've always been that to me.
So thank you.
Say "fuck" for me.
Just once. Come on,
we'll do it together. It's no big deal.
Here we go. One, two, three. F... F... F...
Fuck.
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
And you, Cable.
You get back to your family. You tell 'em Wade says hi.
And promise me. Promise me one thing.
That you'll start judging people...
not by the color of their skin,
but by the content of their character.
- Jesus. - R-Dog?
There you are. Hey!
You're a superhero now, bubba.
That's why it's high time that you had a super suit.
This one is yours.
You might wanna get it steam cleaned.
Especially around the pants.
And let it out a little in the waist.
But, hey.
Look.
Family is not an F-word.
All right?
There's one out there for you.
Just keep looking, okay?
Guys, for a second there...
we made a pretty good team.
Oh, it's so hard to go.
I just love being around you guys so much.
So, so much.
Mmm.
No, I can feel it now. Here it comes, yeah.
I feel the soul exiting the husk.
Yeah.
Can you see it?
Do you see that beautiful bright light?
There it is.
Oh, that's the sun.
Don't stare directly into that.
I just have a few final words.
Woodpecker.
Gingivitis.
Codswallop.
Do You Want to Build a Snowman?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch
of handicapable children who were stuck in a tree.
- No. - No.
- But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah.
- He's got a terrible name. - It's just awful.
- Ugh. - I tried to tell him.
Is this heaven?
It is now.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
I missed you so much.
What is it? What's wrong?
It's not time.
What do you mean it's not time?
I'm here, I made it.
- You can't stay. - No, no, no.
I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere without you.
It's okay.
There's a time for us. It's just not now.
- They need you. - Who?
Your F-word.
Why?
You'll find out.
It's all right. I'll be here.
It's pretty fucking awesome up here.
I can have anything I want.
Can every day be International Women's Day?
It is heaven.
I love you.
I know. I love you, too.
Now, go.
Go on. Go, get out of here.
Go.
Hey!
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
Don't fuck Elvis.
Ooh, too late. I'm sorry?
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
Hey. Been meaning to ask you...
what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear?
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
Her name's Hope.
Well...
What are you doing?
Somebody swiped right.
Tell me they got that in slow motion.
You sacrificed yourself for me.
It would seem I...
Huh?
Genuine, high-grade lead.
You time-sliding son of a bitch!
You did this for me?
Wait. You can't go back.
You used the last of your fuel.
What about your girl, your wife?
Now, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you.
No, I'm gonna stick around for a while...
and make sure the world
doesn't shit itself into oblivion.
No. You did it for me.
No, I didn't.
- You did. - I really didn't.
Pretty sure you did. No, I'm positive I didn't.
Fine. All right, let's flip a coin. Okay?
Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me.
I'm not even gonna look, because you did it for me.
Say it again.
- He did it for me. - Jesus.
We must get the collar off. Forget it. It's no use.
These collars don't just come off.
Wade.
I have an idea.
No, no, no! Let's not do that. Please!
I'd rather die of cancer. Let's just...
Oh, God! They do say the pen is grosser than the sword.
We need the code.
Try, uh, seven?
Settle down, Captain Lucky.
It's not gonna be one number.
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
I still got it.
Put that back in your prison wallet.
I don't know how to thank you.
But I do know how to hug you.
- No. - Yes.
Here we go. Bring it in.
Come on.
Pelvis to pelvis.
Let's go tip to tip.
There we go. The kids call this docking.
Is there a knife in my dick?
There's a knife in your dick. I'm just gonna back up now.
- Yeah, yeah. - No need to go full Yentl.
Gonna pretend like that never happened.
Let's go home, Russell.
All you dirty mutants
are gonna rot in hell with the boy!
Your souls are beyond redemption!
Let's see your soul, perv!
No, no! No! No more! We're better than that!
We're better than him!
No more senseless violence! No more bloodshed!
We'll let karma take care of him.
The day of reckoning is here!
I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.
Whoo!
Courage, motherfuckers!
And karma, motherfucker.
I could hear you coming the last 30 seconds.
I could barely keep a straight face.
I want some more.
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up.
Good call. You guys coming with us?
No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion.
Besides, we're X-Men.
No, you're X-People.
You're exhausting.
I see what you did there. Puns.
Our door's always open.
That's kind, but I'm not ready to date again.
Let alone two women.
God, you're a douche.
- Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio!
What do you get
when you take eight feet of chrome...
one pinch of courage...
a cup of good luck...
a dab of racism...
a splash of diabetes...
and a wheelbarrow full of stage four cancer?
Answer: a family.
See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was-
If there's anything you take away today...
other than the need to Google, "What the fuck is dubstep?"...
it's that we all need to belong to someone.
How something so small generates
enough energy to reverse time is...
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
or I'll take it to the Genius Bar.
Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out.
Never heard of him.
Why do you think I'm helping him?
The Lord works in mysterious ways,
don't I? A good day.
Bye, Wade!
Bye, Yukio!
That was probably a bad idea.
What have we done?
I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader.
I'll be right back!
We're definitely naming our kid Cher!
Whoo!
Peter!
Whoo! X-Force!
Walk away! Just walk away!
But we're X-Force! Nope! We're not.
X-Force is just a marketing tool
designed by Fox executives...
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
It doesn't exist.
All right, well, this has been pretty scary!
And I need to feed my cat!
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
Okay. Will you give Domino my email?
Wade, is that you?
I guess Stryker finally
figured out how to shut you up.
Hey! It's me! Don't scratch!
Just cleaning up the timelines!
Look, eventually you're going to hang up the claws...
and it's gonna make a lot of people very sad.
Huh?
But one day, your old pal Wade's gonna ask you...
to get back in the saddle again.
And when he does, say yes.
Oh, right.
Love you!
Goddamn, that's beautiful.
You're welcome, Canada.
Boy howdy.
Hi. This is a toughie.
Yeesh.
Oh, yes. You're already practicing your salute, huh?
Yes, you are. Well, we'll take care of that, won't we?
Jesus Christ! This is so much harder than I thought.
Oh, I'm going to hell.
That makes two of us.
You can do this.
This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.
All right.
Maximum effort.
That's okay. Let me see here.
Oh, God.
That's why you're such a little bastard.
No one's ever changed you.
Yeah, you got a big, old stinky in there, don't you?
God, it smells like Hitler's anus...
which would makes sense, wouldn't it? Yeah.
I think we both know
I don't have what it takes to do this...
so I'm just gonna change your diaper real quick...
and then I'm gonna come back with my friend, Cable.
He loves killing kids.