1
00:00:03,264 --> 00:00:04,439
Hey, babe.

2
00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:07,529
What's wrong?

3
00:00:07,572 --> 00:00:09,705
Well, wh-what is it? A ghost.

4
00:00:09,748 --> 00:00:12,403
I told you,
I felt a presence here.

5
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:15,189
[whispers]:
No. My little sister's here.

6
00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:17,713
You're kidding me.
No, you're not.

7
00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:19,541
Hey, Kelly.

8
00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:23,414
Why did you... when
did you come here?

9
00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:25,112
Oh, I have a conference in town.

10
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,723
They booked me at the The Ritz,
but I stay at nice places

11
00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:29,377
all the time,
so I thought I'd come

12
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:31,292
to your little cabin instead.

13
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:34,077
It's not a cabin, okay?

14
00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:35,992
I'll have you know, this is
the sixth-biggest house

15
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,559
on the block.

16
00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:41,215
Well, you look great.
Country life suits you.

17
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:43,565
Pittsburgh is a city.
How can you not...

18
00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:45,436
Okay, you know what, Adam,

19
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,396
wh-why don't you help me get
Kelly's bag out of the car?

20
00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:51,616
We have sports teams.
Mister Rogers is from here.

21
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:54,619
Oh, oh, uh, Kelly,
meet our friend Lowell.

22
00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:56,795
Lowell, this is my sister Kelly.

23
00:00:56,839 --> 00:00:58,580
Enjoy.

24
00:00:58,623 --> 00:01:01,713
So, how do you know
Adam and Andi?

25
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:02,845
I work for them.

26
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:04,890
Oh, well, you'll bounce back.

27
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,069
When is she leaving?

28
00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,548
Her bag's still in the car.

29
00:01:10,592 --> 00:01:12,463
I could drive her
to the airport right now.

30
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:15,162
She's my sister.
I can't ask her to leave.

31
00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:16,380
Oh, well, she's not my sister.
I'll ask her.

32
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:17,468
I'll do that right now.

33
00:01:17,512 --> 00:01:19,340
Adam.

34
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:22,038
It's not good for you
when she's here.

35
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,474
All she does is judge you.

36
00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:25,433
Just don't let her bother you.

37
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,043
Yeah, but I know
she bothers you.

38
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,697
Why do you let her get away

39
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,656
with acting superior
all the time, huh?

40
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:35,486
"Cabin." We have heated floors
in our bathroom.

41
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:38,054
We do?They're broken, but yeah.

42
00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:41,144
Look... [sighs]
It'd be great

43
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:43,277
if my sister didn't always
compare her glamorous,

44
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,148
jet-setting life
to me settling down

45
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,672
in an average town
with an average joe.

46
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:51,633
Average joe?

47
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:55,506
I am the sixth-best
husband on the block.

48
00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:57,117
You're amazing,

49
00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,163
which is why I am not gonna play
her game, all right?

50
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:01,947
It's called
taking the high road.

51
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:03,688
Yeah, but she already
looks down on us.

52
00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:07,301
Let's at least get
our money's worth. Low road.

53
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:10,869
Adam, I have a wonderful husband
and three loving children.

54
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:14,482
No matter what she says,
I am happy with my choices.

55
00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:18,442
So even though
I am not competing, I win.

56
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:21,489
Well, since you already won,
let's celebrate

57
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:23,839
by taking her to the airport.[groans]

58
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,275
[door closes]

59
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:28,017
Don't leave me alone
with her anymore.

60
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,498
Do you guys think I look
like Forrest Gump?

61
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,762
No.Only when you run.

62
00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,548
How are you two sisters?

63
00:02:37,592 --> 00:02:39,028
You don't even look alike.

64
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,812
[laughs]
Ugh...

65
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,988
Well, she spent
a little time

66
00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:44,816
in Switzerland,
if you know what I mean.

67
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:48,211
Yeah. When she blinks, you can
see the back of her neck move.

68
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:51,997
Oh, I got so much good stuff.
Let me at her, coach.

69
00:02:52,041 --> 00:02:53,869
No, Adam. High road, okay?

70
00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:57,829
Let's just live our normal lives
as if she's not even here.

71
00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:59,657
Fresh-squeezed
papaya juice, Kell?

72
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,311
[gasps]

73
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,357
Wow.

74
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,359
Do you make breakfast
like this all the time?

75
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:08,231
It's like a Four Seasons
in here.

76
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:10,233
That's a fancy hotel.

77
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,540
[chuckles]:
I know what it is.

78
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:14,368
I've driven by one.

79
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:17,197
No, what you're seeing

80
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,676
is just our normal,
everyday life.

81
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,592
I love cooking
for my family.

82
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:23,246
Mom, my muffin has
a price tag on it.

83
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:24,856
Honey, put that in your mouth.

84
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,250
[clears throat]
So, um, hey, how did you sleep?

85
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:28,773
I mean, it's pretty cozy

86
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:31,907
in a house full of children
and love, huh?

87
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,561
Oh, I slept great.
Oh, but I do

88
00:03:33,604 --> 00:03:35,954
need to go out
and get a memory foam pillow.

89
00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:37,695
I went to the bathroom
last night,

90
00:03:37,739 --> 00:03:40,655
and your pillow completely
forgot how I wanted to sleep.

91
00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:47,618
What's with the spread?
[chuckles]

92
00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:50,230
Oh, shoot. Is it Easter?

93
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:56,061
No. No, this is just
our regular, typical breakfast.

94
00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:58,063
[chuckles]
We do this every day.

95
00:03:58,107 --> 00:03:59,717
Oh, yeah.
[chuckles]

96
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:02,503
I meant, "is it Easter?" like,

97
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:04,331
every day is Easter
with my girl.

98
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:06,376
Oh...
[laughs]

99
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:09,379
Oh, kids, I brought you
some presents.

100
00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:13,775
I picked them up on my business
trip last week to Tokyo.

101
00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:18,258
It's just a little something to
say domo arigatofor having me.

102
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:21,217
Oh, sorry, that means...I know what it means.

103
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:24,176
That's what you say
to Mr. Roboto.

104
00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:29,138
It's candy.This is so cool.

105
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,575
We never get anything
like this around here.

106
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:33,882
Uh, I think you're forgetting
about the Tic Tacs

107
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:36,450
I got for you at the gas station
the other day.

108
00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:37,538
KELLY:
I'm so glad

109
00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:38,756
you like it, kids.

110
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,802
Oh, Tokyo is amazing.

111
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:43,718
It's modern,
vibrant, cultured.

112
00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,110
It's so not your thing.

113
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,809
We don't need
to go to Japan.

114
00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:50,725
[chuckles]: Okay?
We go to Benihana.

115
00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:54,468
[clears throat] Uh, hey, kids,
why don't you go up and play?

116
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:57,471
Well, I'm off to buy a pillow.

117
00:04:57,514 --> 00:05:00,169
How far is Pittsburgh
from a city?

118
00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:02,737
You know what? Never mind.
I'll Google it.

119
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:08,656
I don't like this.
She's getting to you.

120
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:09,831
She is not.

121
00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,223
Oh, come on.

122
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,008
I haven't seen that
crystal punch bowl

123
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,445
since you told me to return
it after our wedding.

124
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:19,144
This is not how we live.

125
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:26,195
Look, I make breakfast
for you every morning.

126
00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:27,849
Babe.

127
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,894
Yesterday, you put
a frozen Eggo in my pocket

128
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:32,549
and said my body heat
would warm it up.

129
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,206
Okay, she's getting to me.Mm-hmm.

130
00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:39,687
I didn't sleep
at all last night.

131
00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,559
I knew I heard someone
rage-whispering in the bathroom.

132
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:46,433
I'm just glad it was you
and not the ghost.

133
00:05:47,738 --> 00:05:49,218
[sighs]

134
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,525
Growing up, she was
always like this.

135
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:54,223
Any toy I had,
her toy was better.

136
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:57,226
Any sport I played,
her sport was better.

137
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:58,706
What sport did you play?

138
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,403
Badminton.

139
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:03,406
Well, you weren't
doing yourself any favors.

140
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,757
Look, if you won't say anything,
then let me do it.

141
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:09,281
Okay? She needs to know
that there are consequences

142
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:10,674
when she's mean to you.

143
00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:12,633
Absolutely not, okay?

144
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:16,158
You stay out of it.
I have my own plan.

145
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,203
At our 50th anniversary party,

146
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:20,641
when I'm surrounded by
all my grandchildren

147
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:23,034
and she's in a wheelchair,
hobbled with loneliness,

148
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:25,210
she'll look at me,
and we'll both know

149
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:26,429
[whispers]:
I won.

150
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:32,696
But that'll take forever.

151
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:35,656
[sighs]

152
00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:40,182
$7.99?

153
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:43,141
Oh, we're returning these.

154
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,232
♪

155
00:06:55,719 --> 00:06:57,242
I can't take much more
of Andi's sister.

156
00:06:57,286 --> 00:06:59,114
I'm trying to get her
out of my house,

157
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,116
Andi's making her
a four-star breakfast.

158
00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:03,945
You don't get rid of rats
by throwing cheese on the floor.

159
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,773
Unless you put poison
in the cheese.

160
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:08,384
But then you've escalated things
quite a bit.

161
00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:10,995
I'm not a fan of Kelly.

162
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:13,128
Yeah.When we were Andi's bridesmaids,

163
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:15,391
she told me that the color
yellow looked good on me

164
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,828
because it matched my teeth.

165
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:20,657
I let it slide, 'cause I didn't
want to ruin Andi's wedding.

166
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:21,963
You mean our wedding.

167
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:24,356
Eh, it was Andi's wedding.

168
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,010
Nobody wants to
look at the groom.

169
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:28,491
That's why they make you dress
in black, like a roadie.

170
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:32,539
What I'm thinking is, if we make
life unpleasant for Kelly,

171
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,019
she'll leave, but I can't do it.

172
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:39,241
No. So what I need is a maker
of unpleasantness, huh?

173
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:40,982
Which brings me to you, Marcy.

174
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,723
You're really good
at making people

175
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:43,985
feel bad about themselves.

176
00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:46,988
That is so sweet.

177
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:49,033
No, I-I'm proud of my skills.
They didn't come easy.

178
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:50,731
I had to practice on Don.

179
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,168
I'm your speedbag, baby.

180
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:54,386
So... so you'll do it?

181
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:55,562
Sure. Sure,
I've had stuff

182
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:58,216
to say to Kelly
for 18 years.

183
00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:00,436
She has big feet, right?

184
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,743
Oh, you could row
one of her shoes across a lake

185
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,614
like a canoe.[laughter]

186
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,529
Hey, guys.Hey.

187
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,749
What do you got there?They're cookies,
and a woman

188
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:12,100
gave them to me and she likes me
and I'm not related to her.

189
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:13,580
[whoops]

190
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:18,062
Uh... you seeing someone?

191
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:21,152
I am. Her name is Melanie, and
we met a month ago at the gym

192
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:23,415
when I became lightheaded
on the StairMaster.

193
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:26,549
Ooh. A month, huh?
Sounds serious.

194
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,290
Well, I don't like
to kiss and tell,

195
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,946
but I have kissed,
and I must tell you, I liked it.

196
00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:34,339
I know you, Lowell, okay?

197
00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:35,602
Whoever you sleep with,

198
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,604
you're gonna imprint on
like a baby duck.

199
00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:39,214
That's true.

200
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,172
So I think we should
meet this girl.

201
00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:42,696
Maybe you could check her out
and make sure

202
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:44,001
I'm not blinded by her cookies.

203
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:47,265
Grow up, Lowell.
They're called knockers.

204
00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:48,615
ADAM:
Hey. [stammers]

205
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,268
Bring her by tonight, okay?

206
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,401
It'll help fill up the room
and distract Andi

207
00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,925
from my hit man Marcy.Yeah. You're right.

208
00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:56,144
With Lowell and his lady there,

209
00:08:56,187 --> 00:08:57,319
I'll just be
a face in the crowd.

210
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,886
Exactly. You'll do the hit,

211
00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:00,931
drop the gun,
take the cannoli.

212
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:05,196
Adam, this is my date Melanie.

213
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,764
Hi. Nice to meet you.

214
00:09:07,808 --> 00:09:11,115
So, uh, what are your
intentions with Lowell?

215
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:12,943
You know he doesn't
have any money, right?

216
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:16,599
I figure I'll just take out
some life insurance on him,

217
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:20,124
put him on a StairMaster
and wait for my payday.

218
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,474
Ah, she's funny.

219
00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:25,347
That's good. Your ex-wife
wasn't very funny.

220
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,959
It's so fun having
your friends over.

221
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:30,439
It's like a hoedown.

222
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:32,267
Is there gonna
be a hay ride?

223
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,662
I'll see if I can rustle one up.

224
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:37,925
ADAM:
So,

225
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,622
tell me about you.Well, I...

226
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:42,146
Oh, Marcy's here.
Got to go.

227
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:44,409
You ready for this?Oh, I am more than ready.

228
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:47,151
We listened to the Rockytheme
the whole way over.

229
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:49,632
I'm kind of pumped up, myself.

230
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,329
Kelly, hey, uh,

231
00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:53,723
you remember Marcy, don't
you? From our wedding?

232
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,812
Hmm...
Hello, Kelly.

233
00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:58,772
Oh, I didn't
recognize you at first.

234
00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:01,905
Well, people age differently,
and you're doing your best.

235
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:03,167
Ch...

236
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:11,132
You just let her walk away.
You didn't even say anything.

237
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:12,350
I wasn't ready.

238
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:15,136
She sucker-punched me
before the bell.

239
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:18,008
I mean, aging is hard,
and I am doing my best.

240
00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:20,663
Okay, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Shake it off, champ.

241
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,796
Come on, stay focused.
All right?

242
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:25,233
Oh! Pretend she's Don.

243
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:28,453
Yeah, that helps.

244
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:32,022
You know, sushi isn't
the most popular food in Japan.

245
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,807
It's rom-yon.

246
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:36,200
You mean ramen?

247
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:38,289
Oh, we would have
a big laugh in Tokyo

248
00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:42,032
hearing you say it like that.[laughter]

249
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:45,862
Okay. Hey, who's ready for
another margarita, huh?

250
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,256
Mm. Ooh, look, I am.

251
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:52,129
Get her, Marcy.

252
00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:55,959
So, Kelly, about what
you said to me before.

253
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,787
Oh, I'm so sorry.

254
00:10:57,831 --> 00:11:00,703
What I meant to say was
people age differently,

255
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,053
and you're doing your best.

256
00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:06,230
That's-that's exactly what
you said the first time.

257
00:11:06,274 --> 00:11:07,667
What's up with those two?

258
00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:09,407
Uh, no idea.

259
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:11,583
You know what, it's okay.

260
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,498
I understand you
lashing out,

261
00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:15,979
seeing your sister
with her wonderful family,

262
00:11:16,023 --> 00:11:17,764
and you all alone.

263
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:21,115
Mm, it must feel like
such an empty life...

264
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:23,552
set on top of two
gigantic feet.

265
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:28,644
Oh, yeah? Well, let me
tell you something.

266
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,645
[chuckling]

267
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,081
You're absolutely right.

268
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:32,692
[sobs]

269
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:34,781
Huh?
I'm what, now?

270
00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:36,957
[crying]:
I do have an empty life.

271
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,437
I don't even have a job anymore.

272
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:40,656
They fired me.

273
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,006
They fired you?
What happened?

274
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:46,967
I embezzled a tiny bit of money.

275
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,620
Can you believe it?
It's a real

276
00:11:48,664 --> 00:11:50,622
"one strike and you're out"
policy over there.

277
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,930
I-I thought you were in town
for a work conference.

278
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:55,932
There is no conference.

279
00:11:55,976 --> 00:11:58,935
I came here because Pittsburgh
is the cheapest flight

280
00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:00,981
since nobody wants to come here.

281
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,375
But you said you just
got back from Tokyo.

282
00:12:04,419 --> 00:12:07,770
I lied. I got the kids' candy
at Pier 1.

283
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:10,773
I'm not even sure it's candy.

284
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,949
It might be little soaps.

285
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:15,647
I ate three of those.

286
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:19,739
The truth is I'm jealous of you.

287
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:22,524
I tried to convince myself
that I was winning,

288
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:25,875
but I guess this is like
the tortoise and the hare.

289
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:30,097
I'm the sleek, sexy bunny...

290
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:34,275
losing to you,
the slow, scaly turtle.

291
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:37,234
[sobbing]:
I'm gonna go pack.

292
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:40,760
What happened?

293
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,674
She went down
in the first round.

294
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,894
Adam, you didn't tell me
she had a glass jaw.

295
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:49,159
Why would Adam tell you
anything about her?

296
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:50,291
Wait.

297
00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:55,687
Wait, wait, wait,
wait a minute.

298
00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:57,951
D-Did you put Marcy
up to this?

299
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,301
Up to what?

300
00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:02,782
Great party, honey.

301
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:06,133
Adam?
Okay, fine.

302
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:08,048
I didn't know she was
gonna get so upset.

303
00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:11,007
But you know how many times
I've seen her make you upset?

304
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,530
But that's not the point.
You were supposed to

305
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:13,880
stay on the high road with me.

306
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:16,534
Andi! When you met me,
I was in a bar,

307
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:18,449
passed out in a bowl
of chicken wings.

308
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,975
I don't do "high road."

309
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:24,064
Okay, but you promised
to stay out of it.

310
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,587
I did stay out of it.

311
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:27,328
I just put Marcy into it.

312
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,373
I found a loophole.

313
00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:30,984
You're welcome.

314
00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:33,377
I'm not thanking you.Well, I would like you to.

315
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:34,770
That's why I said
"you're welcome."

316
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,991
Fine. You did the opposite
of what I wanted.

317
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,601
Thank you so much.

318
00:13:43,561 --> 00:13:45,912
That did not seem genuine.

319
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,878
You just stay
right next to Daddy, okay?

320
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,793
As long as you're here,
Mommy can't do

321
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,795
that loud talking
the way she wants to.

322
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:04,191
Okay? So, when she comes in,
you know what to do?

323
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,280
Pretend to sleep and look cute.

324
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,151
Exactly. Yeah.

325
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:10,197
Now, when I hear her coming in,

326
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,287
I'll say our code word,
and you close your eyes.

327
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:14,549
This is fun.

328
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:15,724
Yeah, isn't it nice
that we could...

329
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:18,074
[footsteps]Ooh. Potato. Potato.

330
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:20,990
[quietly]:
Hi. Shh.

331
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:23,166
I wish we could talk
about tonight,

332
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:26,300
but we don't want to wake
this sleeping angel.

333
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:30,043
What can you do? Shh.

334
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:32,262
Well, I guess, if Emme's asleep,

335
00:14:32,306 --> 00:14:34,786
she can't have the ice cream
that's downstairs.

336
00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,966
Emme, where you going?
Potato. Potato. Potato!

337
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:43,099
Stop shouting vegetables,
all right? I'm not mad at you.

338
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,361
You're not?

339
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:45,928
No.

340
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:51,064
I mean, at first I was,
but then I just kept smiling.

341
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:52,152
And I can admit this to you

342
00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:53,631
because you're
no better than me,

343
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:57,722
but hearing Kelly say
the words, "I'm jealous,"

344
00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:00,116
was what I've waited for
my whole life.

345
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,641
I mean, I win. I win so much.
And it's all because of you.

346
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,079
Oh, well, hey, well,
you know what I always say.

347
00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:08,298
I'm petty and small,
and you're lucky to have me.

348
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:10,735
I am. [chuckles]

349
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,476
You know what, I should
go check on Kelly,

350
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,087
make sure she's okay.

351
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:16,828
[laughing]:
Yeah.

352
00:15:16,872 --> 00:15:19,309
What?
You just want to do
a victory lap.

353
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:20,789
I kind of do.
I've never had one.

354
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,140
Look, look.

355
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,142
She's still gonna be upset
when we go in there,

356
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,665
so don't feel bad
and start apologizing.

357
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:28,971
Oh, no, I-I'll be strong.

358
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,494
You know, just
give her a chance

359
00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:32,235
to talk more about
how much she envies me,

360
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:33,715
and then we'll all get
a good night's sleep.

361
00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:38,850
Hi.
Hi.

362
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,505
You okay, sweetie?

363
00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:42,811
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

364
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:47,598
Well, do you want to talk about

365
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,513
some of the stuff
you were feeling?

366
00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:51,863
Specifically the jealousy.

367
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:54,954
Or maybe you'd like us
to help you pack.

368
00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:57,260
You said you were
coming up here to pack.

369
00:15:57,304 --> 00:15:59,306
You don't want to say things
and not do 'em.

370
00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:01,786
People might start
to not like you.

371
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:04,746
Thanks, guys,
but I seriously feel great.

372
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:07,792
You do?

373
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:10,012
Well, then, I guess
we'll be going.

374
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:11,057
Night.

375
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:18,803
That was no victory lap.

376
00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:21,110
She didn't seem
depressed at all.

377
00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:25,027
If anything, she had a kind
of glow about her.

378
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,377
You know what?

379
00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:29,466
She probably pulled it together
because we knocked.

380
00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:30,859
Let's try surprising her.

381
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:35,255
[screams]

382
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,606
Is that my daughter's robe?

383
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:41,130
That's what you notice
about this?

384
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:44,916
I am spent.

385
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,919
I need an egg and some Gatorade.

386
00:16:47,963 --> 00:16:51,575
You can have treats after you
explain yourself, young man.

387
00:16:51,619 --> 00:16:54,665
What happened to the girl
with the nice cookies?

388
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:56,276
Melanie.
I dropped her off,

389
00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:58,278
and then I realized
I forgot my phone here.

390
00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,584
So I came back to find Kelly
on the porch.

391
00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:01,846
On the porch?

392
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,631
What was she doing
on the porch?

393
00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:07,678
I don't know, but I ran straight
into a sexual tornado.

394
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:10,116
It was amazing.
She tore my pants off

395
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:12,857
like I was a basketball player
coming off the bench.

396
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:17,079
Yeah, she did that in college
to actual basketball players.

397
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,733
Wait-wait a minute,
she was supposed to be

398
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,127
upstairs in her room, crying.

399
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,824
Was she crying on the porch?

400
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,174
No, she was just standing there

401
00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:28,830
tying a cherry stem
into a knot with her tongue.

402
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:32,964
Sad people don't do that.

403
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:35,619
You don't think this could be
a setup, do you?

404
00:17:35,663 --> 00:17:38,622
Adam, she...
she's not a monster.

405
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:40,189
Of course it was a setup.

406
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:43,627
I hid his phone
so he'd have to come back.

407
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,238
Why would you go to
all that trouble

408
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,891
for some one-night stand?

409
00:17:46,935 --> 00:17:49,633
It was just
a one-night stand, right?

410
00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:52,071
I mean, yes, it was one night,

411
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,074
and we did stand
for a little bit.

412
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:08,783
Ah.

413
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:12,134
Okay, tell me it's not
gonna happen again.

414
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,441
Tell me you didn't
"baby duck" her.

415
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:16,051
Well, we did a lot of things.
I don't know

416
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,487
what the names
of all of them are.

417
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:22,449
Oh, my God, she's gonna
peel him like an orange.

418
00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:25,016
You're not serious
about Kelly, are you?

419
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,018
I don't know if I'm
serious about her.

420
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:29,630
I mean, I never want to
be without her again.

421
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:30,979
I miss her right now.

422
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:32,372
Is she okay? Is she cold?

423
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,156
Can you give her
my sweater?

424
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,984
But why Lowell?

425
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,290
He's cute.

426
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,509
Forrest Gumpis
my favorite movie.

427
00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:42,860
Plus, he's single and
he already has kids.

428
00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:45,036
He gives me everything
you have, Andi.

429
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:46,864
But better, because
I didn't have to go through

430
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:49,389
all that pregnancy stuff,
so I can laugh without peeing.

431
00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:57,919
Looks like the speedy
little bunny wins again.

432
00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:00,487
Wait a minute, wait,
you're still leaving, right?

433
00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:03,316
Oh, I'm not going anywhere.She's not going anywhere, Adam.

434
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,318
She's not jealous,
and she's not going anywhere.

435
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:08,451
I haven't felt this good
since before I got fired.

436
00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:11,150
Lowell is the solution
to everything.

437
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:12,673
And I figured that out

438
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:15,458
thanks to your
yellow-toothed friend Marcy.

439
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:18,505
But Marcy only talked
to you because of me.

440
00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:21,551
So, you're with Lowell
because of me.

441
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:24,075
And now you're not leaving
because of me.

442
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:27,557
I owe it all to you.
Thanks, Adam.

443
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,256
Well, there's your thank-you.

444
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,779
Did you enjoy it?

445
00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:34,738
I think you know I didn't.

446
00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:42,746
What are you barbecuing
at 10:00 in the morning?

447
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,183
Katie's robe.Oh.

448
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:47,577
Good-bye, all.

449
00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:49,536
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
You're-you're leaving?

450
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:51,494
I'm moving in with Lowell.

451
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:54,758
Oh, that poor baby duck.

452
00:19:54,802 --> 00:19:56,891
But you won't miss me too much,
because we're gonna

453
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:59,154
have you over next week
for rom-yon.

454
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,462
It's ramen, okay?
I called the Japanese embassy.

455
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,899
Yeah, and you didn't
even go to Japan.

456
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,684
That's not how I remember it.
Sayonara.

457
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,124
She might be in
Pittsburgh forever.

458
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,692
Wh-What are we gonna do now?I don't know about you,

459
00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:17,259
but I'm gonna get
in that barbecue grill

460
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:18,695
and close the lid.

461
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:21,437
No, no, we are not
giving up, all right?

462
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:23,700
Our problem is the low road
wasn't low enough.

463
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:27,051
I know us.
We can get lower.

464
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,836
Now you're talking.

465
00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:32,448
You see, the high road
may be the road to happiness,

466
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:35,059
but the low road
is the road to revenge.

467
00:20:35,103 --> 00:20:36,713
[chuckles]

468
00:20:36,757 --> 00:20:38,976
I think Gandhi said that.Mm.

469
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:47,376
Captioning sponsored by
CBS

470
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:51,424
Captioned by
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