1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,073
We're really excited to have
the kids stay with us

2
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:07,576
while you guys are away
for a little grown-up time.

3
00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:08,638
Wink, wink.

4
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:12,076
Ma, don't "wink, wink."

5
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,083
You're gonna ruin grown-up time.

6
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,345
Don't worry, honey,
I got some new lingerie.

7
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:17,554
You'll power through.

8
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,190
So, you're going
to Atlantic City.

9
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,492
I've had some good times there
with your mother.

10
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,034
I've never been to
Atlantic City, Joe.

11
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,795
Well, some lucky lady.

12
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:32,800
A-And it's not Atlantic City,
Dad, it's Vegas.

13
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,603
I told you that ten minutes ago

14
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:37,205
when you were complaining about
how tinfoil used to be thicker.

15
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,636
Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.

16
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,813
Oh, we are gonna have such fun
with these cuties.

17
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:45,782
I have a candy bar at home
weighs more than you do.

18
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:46,783
I love you, Grandma.

19
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,184
(chuckles)
Mwah.

20
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,546
And we're hoping that Kate

21
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,724
looks up from her phone
at some point.

22
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,823
What?

23
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:58,255
And we've got something special
planned for you, Teddy.

24
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:01,632
I fixed up your dad's
old BB gun.

25
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,262
You better sleep
with one eye open.

26
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:06,827
I've got a video of you singing
"Let It Go" in your towel.

27
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,209
A BB gun for Teddy?

28
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,881
Oh, don't worry,
my dad's a great teacher.

29
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,148
Don and I both had 'em
when we were kids.

30
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,208
Oh, yeah, I taught my boys
how to shoot the Army way.

31
00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:20,547
Safety first.

32
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,221
Unless you're being
overrun by Charlie,

33
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,850
then it's just
spray and pray.

34
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:27,115
But Teddy's so young.

35
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,215
But it's a Burns
family tradition.

36
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,557
Three generations of men
sharing knowledge

37
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,902
and history
and companionship.

38
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,628
That's the kind
of emotional crap you love.

39
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:41,235
I do love emotional crap.

40
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:45,213
Okay, well, just be careful.

41
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:46,839
All right, you better
get out of here

42
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,744
before she changes her mind.
Yeah.

43
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,577
Okay, honey, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

44
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,152
Mwah.

45
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,181
(sighs) So...

46
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:58,186
tell me more about this
girl from Atlantic City.

47
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:01,559
Honey, don't worry
about who else played the game.

48
00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,259
You won the prize.

49
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,258
I'm looking forward to teaching
your boy how to shoot.

50
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,168
Once Teddy learns
how to use a BB gun,

51
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,470
I'll show him my real guns.

52
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,941
Okay, bye, Dad,
yup, night-night.

53
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,409
Okay.

54
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,168
Drive safe.

55
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:22,907
Off you go.
(chuckles)

56
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,413
Wait-wait-wait,
wh-what did he just say?

57
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,175
Oh, nothing, just some
old guy jibber-jab.

58
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:27,224
Nothing to worry about.

59
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:31,288
Wait, wait, wait.
H-He has real guns at home?

60
00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:31,919
I can't believe

61
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,252
you never told me that.

62
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:34,687
Honey, my dad hunts,
he's a vet.

63
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,422
I figured you knew.
I'm gonna go in here now.

64
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:40,657
Oh, I'm gonna go
in here, too.

65
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,304
Look, our kids are
over there a lot.

66
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,931
Yeah, and think
how safe they are

67
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,795
being protected
by all those guns.

68
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,265
Look, when Kate was born, you
got rid of your hunting rifles.

69
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:54,935
I just... I don't understand why
people insist on having guns.

70
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:58,275
That's 'cause no one as smart as
me has ever explained it to you.

71
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,482
Okay?

72
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,354
People say it's about
their rights and their freedom,

73
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:06,824
but here's the real truth:
guns are fun.

74
00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:11,226
They go boom, people like that.

75
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,459
But they're dangerous.

76
00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:14,533
In the hands of idiots.

77
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:15,562
But the fact that you

78
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,296
never even knew my dad had 'em

79
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:19,531
proves how careful
and safe he is.

80
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,967
I think it just proves
that you never told me.

81
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:25,374
It can prove two things.

82
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:29,006
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm
just not comfortable

83
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,612
leaving the kids there.

84
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,254
I just-- I-I won't be able
to enjoy myself in Vegas.

85
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:36,281
No, no, no,
leave Vegas out of this.

86
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:39,017
We've had to cancel
this trip three times.

87
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,792
Okay, well, then
talk to your dad

88
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:44,262
about getting rid of
his guns and we can go.

89
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:46,732
If you feel so
strongly about it,

90
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,300
maybe you should
talk to my dad.

91
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:51,269
Okay.

92
00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:54,399
Yeah, I'll tell your dad
to get rid of his guns.

93
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,935
You can tell my mom she has
to start wearing a bra.

94
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,980
I'll take the guns.

95
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,909
If she's not gonna listen to the
manager at the Golden Corral,

96
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,345
she's not gonna
listen to me.

97
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,416
*

98
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,033
So here's the thing, Dad.

99
00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:23,031
I had a talk with Andi,

100
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,903
and you need to get rid
of your guns.

101
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,573
(laughs)

102
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,042
Your wife is
very funny, yeah.
Yeah.

103
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,041
Yeah, she's a hoot.

104
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,983
But after you brought up
your real guns last night,

105
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:36,939
Andi got all worried

106
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,877
about the kids staying
with you guys next week.

107
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,952
Oh, geez. No one's
more careful than me.

108
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:44,391
I told her, but there's talk
of calling off Vegas.

109
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,888
Okay, I need to play
blackjack in a hotel robe,

110
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,060
holding a morning beer.
I need it, Dad.

111
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,059
All right, all right.

112
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,061
Look, I think Andi
just doesn't like guns

113
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,933
because she's
never shot one.

114
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,462
That's what I was thinking.

115
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,497
So how about we take her
to the shooting range?

116
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,932
She can see how responsible you
are, and we can change her mind.

117
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,098
Oh, I like it.

118
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,035
Okay, good.
By the way,

119
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,871
how many times have you actually

120
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,036
changed her mind
about something?

121
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:11,005
I don't know, who keeps track
of that stuff?

122
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,814
Zero's not a hard number
to remember.

123
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:22,419
Who can say
fresh radishes?

124
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,356
You don't have to say it,
I'll just give you some.

125
00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:26,432
I grew them in
my garden. Have one.

126
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,730
No, thanks.
I don't try new things.

127
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,632
Don, we've talked about this,

128
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,434
it's good to broaden
your horizons.

129
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,666
Well, actually, Lowell,
in 99% of deaths,

130
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,142
you'll find out
that the deceased,

131
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,909
at some point,
tried something new.

132
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,639
But everybody
tries something new.

133
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,335
And everybody dies.

134
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,013
You got any tomatoes
in that man basket?

135
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,377
I know I like those.

136
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:49,446
Well, I planted some,

137
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,623
but I've got a thieving
woodchuck in my garden.

138
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,692
I tried to have
my cat chase him off,

139
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:55,661
but they became
unlikely animal friends.

140
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,989
You know, my dad fixed up
Adam's old BB gun.

141
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,726
How about you and I go out
and take care of that woodchuck?

142
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,762
Scarface style.

143
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,636
I don't like this place.

144
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,638
And why are people
wearing camouflage inside?

145
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:10,870
It just makes them
more obvious.

146
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,614
I can see all of you!

147
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,780
Honey, don't rile up
the gun owners.

148
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,010
Just relax.

149
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:21,176
Okay, once you
fire off a few rounds,

150
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,724
I think you'll see it's
not as scary as it seems.

151
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:24,551
Ready?
All right.

152
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:27,415
Let's go over a few
safety rules, huh?

153
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:30,615
Always assume that
every gun is loaded.

154
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:31,888
Is that one loaded?

155
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,655
What did I just say?

156
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:35,734
She's not listening.

157
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,203
Trust me, Dad, that's not
how you do it with her.

158
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,771
It's true. It's not how
you do it with me.

159
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,871
All right, you want
to go give this a try?

160
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,143
Well, if it gets me off

161
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,741
the set of Deliverance,
I'll do it.

162
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,684
Okay, fire when ready.

163
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:57,791
Well that's just
the best thing ever.

164
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,890
I've seen you eat
carrots before,

165
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,492
so I know you'll like these.

166
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:06,164
I want the last thing that
woodchuck sees to be us enjoying

167
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,603
what is rightfully ours!

168
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,057
Got any ranch dressing?

169
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,728
I do.

170
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:15,968
Can I have some?

171
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:18,543
You may not.
Just try one without it.

172
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:20,842
(sighs) Why are you always
looking to change me?

173
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,844
It's like when you wanted me
to see movies

174
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,976
that aren't Fast & Furious.

175
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:27,682
There are better movies.
Branch out.

176
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:28,675
There aren't better movies.

177
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,846
They made eight and the
worst one was good.

178
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,154
It went great, great, great,

179
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,755
good, great, great,
better, best.

180
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:38,188
Of course you love it-- it's
the ranch dressing of movies.

181
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:44,104
Shh, look, there's
the woodchuck.

182
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:47,741
That's right, just sit there
and eat that tomato.

183
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:50,768
Oh, no, my cat!

184
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,174
(gun fires)
Ow!

185
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,875
You shot me in the butt!

186
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:59,149
No, I didn't.
I was at work all day.

187
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,793
But I don't want to go home.

188
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,759
Babe, we've been
here two hours.

189
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,888
You can't go full Rambo
on the first day.

190
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,134
Okay.

191
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,989
But first let me check out
the gift counter.

192
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,297
They have a-a pepper grinder
that looks like a hand grenade.

193
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,669
How do I not have one of those?

194
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:22,099
All right, looks like
Atlantic City is back on.

195
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,995
I told you it's Vegas.

196
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:27,137
Whoa, Dad, you just put
your phone in the gun case.

197
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,884
What?
Were you about to put
the gun in your pocket?

198
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,650
Don't worry about
what I put where.

199
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:33,510
Well, I'm just saying,

200
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:35,117
if someone calls
and you answer your gun,

201
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,178
we're gonna have a problem.

202
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,916
I can't see in here

203
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,651
because they're using those
global warming light bulbs.

204
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:44,018
We're all walking around in the
dark to save some salamander.

205
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,758
Saddle up, boys,

206
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,696
I got to stop by the butcher.

207
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:51,971
I want to eat something
for dinner

208
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,569
that was walking around
yesterday.

209
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,305
I'm not so sure
about Vegas.

210
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:01,879
What? But I was really impressed
with your dad.

211
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,809
I don't have any problem
with the kids staying there.

212
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,954
He knows what he's doing.

213
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,808
I used to think
that, too.

214
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:10,147
Back at the range, he got
his gun and his phone mixed up.

215
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:12,253
I've never seen him do
anything like that.

216
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,615
Well, I mean,
maybe he-he just got confused.

217
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,855
I mean,
that place was thrilling.

218
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:18,785
Things got crazy.

219
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:21,226
I didn't even pay for this hat.

220
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,801
It's more than that.
I've been noticing stuff.

221
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:25,901
He keeps thinking
we're going to Atlantic City.

222
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,843
Like he's lost a step.

223
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,998
I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I don't think

224
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,837
he should have guns
around the house anymore.

225
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:34,242
And I have to be the
jerk that tells him.

226
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,144
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

227
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,146
Hey, you talk to my dad,

228
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,708
and I will wrestle your mother
into that bra.

229
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,948
Yeah, now that I think about it,

230
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,283
I think it might be awkward

231
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,717
for you to force underwear
on my mom.

232
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,294
Yeah.

233
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,821
And I think you're the one
that has to talk to your dad.

234
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,658
I know.
(sighs)

235
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,193
Poor guy.

236
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:57,797
I just... I hate
to hit him with this.

237
00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,331
Well, hey, there is
a silver lining.

238
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,967
I mean, if you handle this now,
then you won't get shot

239
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,773
when it's time
to take away his car keys.

240
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,375
So, here's
the thing, Dad.

241
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,954
I had another talk with Andi,

242
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:18,993
and you need to get rid
of your guns.

243
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,419
(laughs)

244
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,423
That's still a
classic. Yeah.

245
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,385
You're not laughing.

246
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,294
This time I'm serious.

247
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,126
That thing at the range,
with your cell phone,

248
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,761
that freaked me out.

249
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,397
Oh, you were always
easily startled.

250
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,931
Oh, that's true. He used to hate
his jack-in-the-box.

251
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,897
Crank, crank, crank, cry.

252
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:40,407
You know I'm right. That thing
at the range bothered you, too.

253
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,440
Well, you're not
taking my guns.

254
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,705
I have a constitutional
right to defend myself.

255
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:45,645
From what?

256
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,819
Snowflakes like you trying
to take my guns.

257
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,319
Everybody eventually
slips a little.

258
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,151
It's happening to me, too.

259
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,716
I tried jumping rope with Emme,

260
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,285
I almost had to go
to the hospital.

261
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,193
Well, I won't do it.

262
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,685
I've already given up
everything else worth having.

263
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:04,028
Fried food,
hard liquor, tobacco.

264
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,374
And that's the holy trinity.

265
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:07,228
Ma, help me out here.

266
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,097
She's not gonna
help you on this.

267
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:11,196
Actually, I agree with Adam.

268
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,238
Bev.

269
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,242
Joe, y-you accidentally left me

270
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,214
at the Kmart last week.

271
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:19,313
Why are you assuming
that was an accident?

272
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,883
Look, I'm sorry,
Dad, but...

273
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:24,715
either give me the guns,
or...

274
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,092
or the kids can't come
over here anymore.

275
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,260
Well, then, that's how
it's gonna be.

276
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,929
Wait, wait, we don't
get the kids now?

277
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,929
Look, forget what I said.
Your dad's fine.

278
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:35,301
Stop being a snowflake.

279
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,428
Really, Dad?

280
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,804
That's your choice?

281
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,102
You heard me.

282
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,803
All right, then,
I guess I'm leaving.

283
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,296
Good.

284
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,237
Try not to get scared by a
clown in a box on your way out.

285
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,411
That thing is not a toy.

286
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,013
It's a horror movie
with a handle.

287
00:11:56,817 --> 00:12:00,187
I can't believe
you tattled to my wife.

288
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,090
Don, why would you shoot him?

289
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,362
I thought you liked this one.

290
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,361
It was an accident.

291
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,262
Or was it? I think he was mad

292
00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:09,064
because I wouldn't give him
ranch dressing.

293
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:10,856
Which is a child's condiment.

294
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,328
Oh, you've got to give Don
his ranch, Lowell.

295
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,896
How's he gonna eat?

296
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:17,466
You owe me an apology.

297
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,374
You really think
I shot you on purpose?

298
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,076
(scoffs)
That is very hurtful.

299
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,239
Is it as hurtful as being hit
by a hunk of metal

300
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:27,307
flying through the air
at 900 miles an hour?

301
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:30,017
Well, I can't say, because
I've never been dumb enough

302
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,550
to step in front of one.

303
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,354
So that's a no on the apology.

304
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,416
Fine. If you'll excuse me,

305
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:38,055
I'm going to leave
while I still have my dignity.

306
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:42,361
Ow. Ow. Ow.

307
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,455
Ow, Don.

308
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,452
I'm sorry
about that.

309
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,893
But one day
you're gonna be better

310
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,419
at this than me,
and I'll be okay with that.

311
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,924
It's just the natural order
of things, okay?

312
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:16,427
I win.

313
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,100
Wow, it happens sooner
than you think.

314
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:22,304
Don't worry.

315
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,195
You can still beat Teddy.

316
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,365
(scoffs)
(door opens)

317
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:30,337
Hey.
Hey.

318
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,307
I talked to your mom today.

319
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,614
Your dad's still pretty
bent out of shape.

320
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,046
He turned the hose on some
Mormons that came by,

321
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,583
but not even that
cheered him up.

322
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,449
Maybe you should
go over there...

323
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,857
No, no, no, no, no.

324
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,260
See, this is what my dad does.

325
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,261
He acts out, then I feel guilty,

326
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,063
and you always make me
go over there and talk to him.

327
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:49,355
I'm not doing it this time.

328
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,056
I don't always do that.

329
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,202
Sometimes your mom does it.

330
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,344
And I've been thinking about it.

331
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,898
We're still going to Vegas.

332
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,507
But who's gonna watch the kids?

333
00:13:58,538 --> 00:13:59,908
Well, we'll bring 'em along.

334
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,210
We'll find someone
to watch 'em there.

335
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,881
You can pay a woman
to do anything in Vegas.

336
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,140
(door opens)

337
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,307
Hi, Adam.

338
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,946
Oh, here comes the other one.
I don't care how mad he is,

339
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,421
I'm not going over there.

340
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,449
I just came to tell you
I've got your dad's guns

341
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,094
in the trunk of my car.

342
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,250
Seriously?

343
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,957
Is Dad in there, too?

344
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,991
H-He's not gonna pop out
like a jack-in-the-box, is he?

345
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:23,628
No, he gave them up.

346
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,473
He said he realized
you're right,

347
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:29,468
and he has to confront the
reality of getting older.

348
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:34,469
What did he really say?

349
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,637
(sighs) He said "Get these damn
things out of my house,"

350
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,476
and something about his son
being dead to him,

351
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,581
but he could've been talking
about Don.

352
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,175
Adam, are-are you hearing this?

353
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,317
I mean, you changed
two people's minds this week.

354
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:50,124
I actually think you might be
able to get that bra on my mom.

355
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:51,317
(sighs)

356
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,388
It'd be great if you could do it

357
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:54,526
before Thanksgiving.
I don't want

358
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,561
my mashed potatoes ruined again.

359
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,368
Honey, what's wrong?

360
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,369
You don't look happy.
Eh...

361
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,371
I know my dad. That couldn't
have been easy for him.

362
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:08,414
Oh, if only he had someone
to talk it through with.

363
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,511
Oh, interesting, Bev.
Mm-hmm.

364
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:17,553
But who should it be?

365
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,024
Nice show, ladies.

366
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,994
All right. I'm going.

367
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:26,993
If he squirts me with the hose,
I'm taking that away, too.

368
00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:29,297
DON:
Hey, Lowell.

369
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,399
What brings you by?

370
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,271
Is she gonna hold me down
while you finish me off,

371
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,430
execution style?

372
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:40,606
We're here because when my
husband's unhappy, I'm unhappy.

373
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,140
So let's fix this.

374
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:43,475
Okay? You think

375
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,110
that Don shot you because

376
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,575
on some deeper level,
he was mad at you.

377
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:50,123
But I-I know from experience,
Don only has one level.

378
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:53,650
That's true.
I'm an emotional pancake, baby.

379
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,662
But he is sorry.
So to make things right,

380
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,289
there's only one solution.

381
00:15:58,325 --> 00:15:59,325
Lowell,

382
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,489
shoot Don in the butt.

383
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,098
What? That's crazy.

384
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,431
Look, you're my friend,

385
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,725
and if this will
make things okay between us,

386
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:09,066
then I'm willing
to turn the other cheek.

387
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,472
And let you shoot me in it.

388
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,014
Aw. You've never called me
your friend before.

389
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,212
I'll do it.

390
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,643
What?

391
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:19,507
Marcy, you said
he wouldn't do it.

392
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:21,176
No, Lowell,
this was just a gesture.

393
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,084
I can't let you
shoot my husband.

394
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,647
I won't. I just wanted
to scare him a little.

395
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,285
(chuckles)

396
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,590
How do you put this
thing on safety?

397
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:30,421
(gun fires)
DON:
Ow!

398
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,531
Eh, he had it coming.

399
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,030
Hey.

400
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,266
Hey.

401
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,107
I heard you had a little fun
with the hose earlier.

402
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,110
You're not taking that away.

403
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,612
That nozzle's the last thing
I have with a trigger.

404
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:56,523
I was just looking out for you.

405
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:59,589
Well, you weren't entirely, uh,

406
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:03,689
100% completely... wrong.

407
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:08,203
That might be the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

408
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:09,758
Look, I'm not mad at you.

409
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,156
I'm mad at time.

410
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,598
You know,

411
00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:14,172
some day one of your kids

412
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:16,571
is gonna show up
and take away your stuff.

413
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,413
Oof, you're right.

414
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:19,708
It'll probably be Emme.

415
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:22,139
She just kicked my ass
at checkers.

416
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,675
It didn't feel good, did it?

417
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,610
No.

418
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:29,245
But you know, there are some
upsides to getting older.

419
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:30,682
Yeah? Name one.

420
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,287
Uh...

421
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,315
You can give anyone you want
the finger,

422
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,687
and they won't try
and fight you.

423
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,786
Yeah, I do enjoy that.

424
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,558
Oh, and if you don't want
to talk to someone,

425
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,397
you just pretend
you can't hear 'em.

426
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,403
What'd you say?

427
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,174
I said if you don't want to t...

428
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:50,542
(both laugh)

429
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,540
Nice.
Ah, I'm still funnier than you.

430
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,542
Eh? And I can
shoot straighter, too.

431
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,235
I know, Dad.

432
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,607
Look, nothing's changed.

433
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:00,846
Okay?

434
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:08,757
You know, the toughest part
about this whole thing is...

435
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,788
when I'm not sure what to do,
I ask you.

436
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,789
But because this was about you,

437
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:17,757
I had to do it on my own.

438
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:19,597
That's why it went so poorly.

439
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:20,602
(chuckles softly)

440
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,473
You know,

441
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,802
I just thought
of another upside:

442
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,907
if you do things right,

443
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:31,409
you raise a kid who cares enough
to really piss you off.

444
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,752
And you are just full
of compliments today.

445
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,651
(both chuckle)

446
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:39,493
Do I smell chicken,
or am I having a stroke?

447
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,719
Oh, oh. You know, I figured,

448
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:43,194
if you got to give something up,

449
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:45,193
you should get
something back, right?

450
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:47,825
Fried food,

451
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,660
hard liquor....
Ah.

452
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:50,856
...and tobacco.

453
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,227
The holy trinity.
The holy trinity.

454
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,225
Eh?

455
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,867
Ah. Ooh.

456
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,542
These are Cubans, huh?

457
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,910
Those Commies know
how to roll a stogie.

458
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,579
And Mom never has to know.

459
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:03,909
Oh, she doesn't scare me.

460
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,513
But we better crack a window.

461
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,145
She's got guns now.

462
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,775
I'm back, baby.

463
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:22,598
All right, that's the guns
all locked up.

464
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,859
Listen, Dad. If you ever
want to go shooting,

465
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:27,397
I'd be happy to take you
to the range.
Sounds good.

466
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,504
There's a great chicken joint
on that side of town.

467
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:30,896
Ooh.
Okay, you can stop
with the whispering.

468
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,567
I know about the fried chicken.

469
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,405
Our house smells
like Colonel Sanders got drunk

470
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:35,711
and caught on fire.

471
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:37,776
Okay, Bev, so we'll drop

472
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:39,250
the kids by Friday afternoon

473
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,349
on our way to the airport?

474
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:41,450
Oh, we won't be home then.

475
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:42,481
It's been a
stressful week,

476
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:45,615
and Joe wants to get out
of town for a few days.

477
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,922
Yeah, all that Vegas talk
put me in the mood.

478
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:51,494
What?
You take away my guns,
I take away your Vegas.

479
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,294
Captioning sponsored by
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480
00:19:56,896 --> 00:20:00,896
Captioned by
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