1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:03,570
Okay munchkins, family meeting.
2
00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:05,701
Daddy and I have some
exciting news.
3
00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:06,936
That's right.
4
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:08,170
So, Katie, put your phone away.
Emme,
5
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:10,175
don't pick your nose.
Teddy, buddy,
6
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,437
stop touching yourself.
7
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:12,535
I wasn't.
8
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,246
You had both hands
in your pants,
9
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:16,578
moving around down there
like you're making origami.
10
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,452
No hands in pants,
all right?
11
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,793
Let's make it
a family motto.
12
00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:23,388
So, along with summer being over
13
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:24,791
and school starting back up
tomorrow,
14
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:26,632
there's another change happening
in the family.
15
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:29,357
I just got the official word
and...
16
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,033
I'm going back to work.
17
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:32,062
Yay!
18
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:33,166
Yay!
Yay!
19
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,428
What's your job?
20
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:36,466
It's the same job I had
21
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,500
before you guys were born.
22
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:38,665
I worked at a hospital,
23
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,372
checking people's blood
to find out
24
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,514
what's making them sick.
25
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:42,569
So you're a doctor?
26
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:45,276
(laughing):
No.
27
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,509
She's not a doctor.
28
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:50,545
But it's very important work.
29
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,551
Anyway, Daddy's gonna be
taking you to school,
30
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,093
picking you up,
31
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,518
watching you until I get home,
stuff like that.
32
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,363
Yeah, since I'm a contractor,
I'm my own boss,
33
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,688
so, I can work my schedule
around you guys.
34
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,233
Look, all you guys
need to know is,
35
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,528
Daddy's in charge now.
36
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:03,660
That's right.
Yeah!
37
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,664
Aw, bring it in.
I love you, Daddy.
38
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,426
Oh, you guys.
39
00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,265
We're gonna have so much fun.
40
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,470
Can we get a puppy?
41
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:11,401
Sure.
No!
42
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:12,835
No...
43
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,140
Well, which is it?
44
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:16,511
Ask your mother. Not now.
45
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,080
Do it later,
when I'm not around.
46
00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,447
Love you, Daddy.
See?
47
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,579
Katie thinks
I'm doing great already.
48
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,384
You can't trust a
13-year-old girl.
49
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:27,186
She's all whacked out
on hormones.
50
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,345
Hormones?
51
00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:31,186
Mm.
My mom had those.
52
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,359
She had to wear a patch
53
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,590
just to keep from
ripping our faces off.
54
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:38,526
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I'm so excited.
55
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:40,627
And guilty.
56
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,504
And happy.
(chuckles)
57
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,203
And worried.
58
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:45,535
You know, they make a patch
for that, too.
59
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,169
Will you relax?
60
00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:48,514
Look, I got this.
61
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,709
Me and the kids
have a blast together.
62
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,211
I'm Daddy fun times.
63
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,514
Yeah, that's true.
64
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,115
And I'll always be home
in time for dinner.
65
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,177
Yeah.
I mean, it--
66
00:01:57,184 --> 00:01:58,884
it's not like I'm a doctor.
67
00:01:59,854 --> 00:02:01,824
Come on, honey,
68
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:03,622
this was always the plan when
Emme started school full-time.
69
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,224
Remember?
70
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,386
Plus, we're gonna need
the extra money for college.
71
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,264
Based on their ability
to flush a toilet,
72
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:11,503
I'm not seeing scholarships.
You're right,
73
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,299
it's fine because you
are a great dad.
74
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,331
Oh...
And it means so much to me,
75
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:16,636
you stepping up like this.
76
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,297
Oh, well, I'm happy to do it.
Mmm.
77
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,166
And I'm not looking for
any kind of reward.
78
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:22,675
Unless...
79
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:24,176
you were thinking
about something, in which case,
80
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,778
who am I to say no?
81
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,909
Don't worry.
You're gonna get your reward.
82
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:31,415
We're talking about
the same thing, right?
83
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:33,388
You'll find out tonight.
84
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:37,857
(school bell rings)
Okay, just one more picture.
85
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,628
Oh, hey.
86
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:43,257
Hold Emme in your arms sideways
like a big fish you just caught.
87
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:44,934
Mom, we're not doing that.
88
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,200
Okay, cut the cord
and go to work.
89
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,301
(sighing):
Yeah, I got to run.
90
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:50,543
All right.
I love you.
91
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:51,868
Love you, too.
Love you.
92
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,442
You, too.
93
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,940
(sighs) I am just so
proud of you, sweet pea.
94
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,483
You have a great first day
at school. Okay?
95
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,349
Okay.
96
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,447
Yeah...
97
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:02,508
(school bell rings)
98
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,392
Daddy?
99
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,817
Yeah, Butterbean?
100
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,251
I'm worried about kindergarten.
101
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:11,716
Aw, honey.
102
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,525
You should be worried.
103
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:17,455
Kids are mean.
104
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:20,234
But just know
if you ever feel uncomfortable,
105
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,534
you start swinging.
106
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:22,695
(laughing)
Okay?
107
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,943
A punch in the nose
108
00:03:23,938 --> 00:03:25,468
can be a real problem solver.
109
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:27,812
Right? All right.
110
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,578
Okay, bye, Daddy.
111
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,307
Bye-bye, honey.
112
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,409
Hello, kindergarten parents!
113
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:37,275
I'm Mrs. Rodriguez,
your child's lead teacher.
114
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,584
I'd like to
welcome you all
115
00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:40,316
to the Kindergarten
Parent Mingle.
116
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:43,261
What?
117
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,287
Now, has anyone seen Mrs. Burns?
118
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:46,392
Is Mrs. Burns here?
119
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,463
Uh, you must be talking
about my wife.
120
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,262
I'm Adam-- uh, Mr. Burns.
121
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:51,564
Oh, great.
122
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,395
Mr. Burns, your wife
graciously volunteered
123
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,730
to be our room parent,
so there's just a few things...
124
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,265
Uh, listen,
125
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,800
she's not gonna be able
to do that.
126
00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:00,005
See, she's decided to go
back to work.
Oh.
127
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:01,637
Okay, so I'll just
pencil you in.
128
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,342
Whoa, hey, uh...
129
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,814
I-I'd love to but, uh,
130
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,352
I have a job, too, see,
131
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,377
so please stop
writing my name down.
132
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:09,852
What a wonderful group,
133
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,420
I can't wait to meet each
and every one of you!
134
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,718
Mr. Burns, I'd like
to see you after the mingle.
135
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,860
Hey, looks like you got stuck
in here too, huh?
136
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:20,990
I'm Adam.
137
00:04:20,995 --> 00:04:21,985
Lowell.
138
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:23,496
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
Oh.
139
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,297
Four years now,
it hasn't changed me at all.
140
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:26,399
Oh, you got a little
something...
141
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,000
Hey!
142
00:04:28,002 --> 00:04:29,842
I'm gonna say it
has changed you.
143
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,297
Sorry, I'm a little revved up.
144
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,606
I just can't believe
they're not introducing
145
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,337
any foreign language
in kindergarten.
146
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:36,842
How can our children compete
147
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,754
in a global economy without
fluency in a second language?
148
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:44,854
You know this school is free,
right?
149
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,453
Free stuff is not that great.
150
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:49,715
Water is free,
151
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,393
but beer you got to pay for. Hm?
152
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,433
Beer.
153
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:57,598
It's so great to connect
on a masculine level again.
154
00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,535
Where are the regular moms?
155
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,344
Hey,
156
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,682
I-I think I know you,
right?
157
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,777
Didn't you sneak a flask
into the school play?
158
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:13,780
(chuckling): Yeah.
Yeah.
159
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:14,951
Marie Faldanado.
160
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,678
Ah.
My kid's in Teddy's class.
161
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:18,054
Hey, uh, did Teddy get invited
162
00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:19,652
to Brady's birthday party?
163
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,823
Because my Victor didn't
and it's happened before.
164
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,862
Yeah, we had Victor
over last year, he's a...
165
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,787
Oh, yeah, Victor.
166
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:26,963
What?
167
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,060
Well, he flushed a couple of
168
00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:29,532
Teddy's Hot Wheels
down the toilet,
169
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,500
he called my wife a hottie.
170
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,497
He was kind of a jackass.
171
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:36,029
I can't believe you'd call
my child that word!
172
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,644
Hey-hey, isn't it two words?
173
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,576
It's two words, right?
174
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:49,723
And to make up for a lack
of funding, we depend
175
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:50,977
on parent volunteers.
176
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,554
I just think of
the children.
177
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:54,053
There's not a thing
I wouldn't do for them
178
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,894
and I know
you feel the same way.
179
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,519
No.
180
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:01,055
But everyone else has refused
to be room parent.
181
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,731
Great, put me on that list.
182
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,901
That's a shame.
183
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,399
It would also be a shame if
184
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,531
I don't teach your daughter
to read.
185
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:12,395
What are you saying?
186
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:13,736
I said that's a shame.
187
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,071
No, you said something
after that.
188
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,105
I don't think so.
189
00:06:16,110 --> 00:06:17,410
Yes, you did...
No, I didn't.
190
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:18,441
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
191
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:19,575
Yes, you did...
No, I didn't.
192
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:23,746
Yes, you did.
Nope.
193
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,916
(smacks lips)
194
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,491
Okay, I'll do it.
195
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:30,860
Wonderful!
196
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,558
Your first event is tomorrow's
197
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,929
Ice Cream Sundae Fun Day
party at 11:00 a.m.
198
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,398
Okay, but I mean,
199
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,127
you're gonna teach
Emme to read, right?
200
00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:40,172
We'll see how the party goes.
201
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,414
(phone ringing)
202
00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,975
Adam, what's up?
203
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,053
Are the kids okay?
204
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,620
Yeah, the kids are fine.
205
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,619
How come you didn't tell me
you were room mom?
206
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,121
Oh, honey, I forgot.
207
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,563
You forgot?
208
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,188
Well guess who's room mom now?
Me!
209
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,133
(laughing)
210
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,527
Are you laughing at me?
211
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,860
(laughing):
So hard.
212
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,764
All right,
I'm done talking to you.
213
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,066
(laughing):
I understand. I love you.
214
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,838
I love you, too.
215
00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:18,596
(chuckling):
Oh, poor bastard.
216
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,207
ADAM: You didn't hang up,
I can still hear you.
217
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,751
So guys, how was school today?
218
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,121
I'm hungry.
And thirsty.
Me, too.
219
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,460
Uh, I didn't--
I don't have anything.
220
00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:38,887
What?
I've literally never
been thirstier.
221
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:42,192
Mommy had snacks
and ice cold waters every day.
222
00:07:42,196 --> 00:07:45,226
Hey, easy, it's me,
Daddy fun times.
223
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:46,232
Huh?
224
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,233
Uh, here...
225
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,704
have a Listerine Strip.
226
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:53,565
(engine shuts off)
227
00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:56,074
(door shuts)
228
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,636
What the...
229
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,681
(whistles)
230
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:06,786
Headphones off.
231
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:07,847
Everybody line up.
232
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:08,845
What?
233
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,516
Line up: one, two, three.
234
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:13,024
I can't believe I have to
explain a line to you.
235
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,534
Why did you just dump
all your stuff everywhere?
236
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,260
We always do.
237
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,204
Well, who cleans it up?
238
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,498
Mommy.
239
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,700
And she's not upset about that?
240
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,201
(scoffs)
I don't know.
241
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:23,872
Okay, well, from now on,
242
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,171
you're gonna hang
your backpacks up,
243
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,542
and you're gonna
clean up the truck
244
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,540
before you get out,
245
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,841
and close the door!
246
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,283
That's right.
247
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:36,949
Any questions?
248
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,893
Well, I got one.
249
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,919
What the hell happened
to my life?
250
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,564
Ooh, Daddy said a bad word.
251
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,259
Oh sure, that you heard.
252
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,569
(groans)
253
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:58,638
What kind of animal puts gum
on a chair and just leaves it?
254
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,970
(groans)
255
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,277
Hey.
256
00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:09,782
Hey...
257
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:10,983
Where are the kids?
258
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,124
Upstairs, washing up for dinner.
259
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,219
How was your day?
260
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,820
It was incredible.
261
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,291
All right, I mean,
first I was freaking out
262
00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:18,120
because I'd been home
with the kids for so long,
263
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,685
you know, but I fit right in.
Good.
264
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,634
I mean, I did try to cut the
crust off somebody's sandwich
265
00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:23,659
at lunch, but other than that,
266
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,564
it was amazing
267
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,026
and it wouldn't have
been possible
268
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:28,134
if it weren't for you.
Oh.
269
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:29,965
Thank you.
270
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,670
(chuckling):
Oh, that's great.
271
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,202
You're welcome. (chuckles)
272
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,336
I want out.
273
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,841
What? What happened?
274
00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:39,013
It was awful.
Those are not the same kids
275
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,882
I used to see when I came home
at night.
276
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,151
Those kids smelled good
and were delightful.
277
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,679
Well yeah,
278
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,324
it took me all day to get 'em
that way.
279
00:09:45,319 --> 00:09:47,189
You were just getting
the greatest hits.
280
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,887
Yeah. Now it's the deep cuts.
281
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,989
The-- the drum solos,
the bass player sings a song.
282
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,092
They didn't even clean up
after themselves.
283
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,964
It's like living with
three tiny truckers.
284
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,201
Look, honey,
285
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,669
I understand
you had a tough day,
286
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:01,827
I do. I do.
(scoffs)
287
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:04,365
But the thing you need
to remember is:
288
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,841
you already got your reward,
289
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,739
so, no takey-backsies.
290
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:12,142
I'm just not all-the-time guy,
okay?
291
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:14,075
I'm Daddy fun times!
292
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,715
I'm like Johnny Cash.
293
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:17,747
Okay?
294
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:19,321
I fly in, I play the prison,
295
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:20,749
everybody loves me,
296
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:21,894
and then I'm out of there.
297
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,188
I don't want to be the warden.
298
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,260
Well, I don't want to be
the warden, either.
299
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,388
I mean, it's not like
I'm so great at it.
300
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,733
No kidding. Teddy?
301
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:31,229
He has his hands in his pants
all the time.
302
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:35,325
He opens doors
with his shoulders.
303
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,195
Well, I think
we're better off
304
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:39,244
with him not
touching doorknobs.
305
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,409
Yeah, look,
all I know is
306
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,707
I gave you three
perfect babies.
307
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,210
And as far as
I can tell,
308
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,282
you ruined 'em.
309
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,150
Whoa there,
Johnny Cash,
310
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,079
I think you mean
we ruined 'em.
311
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,224
Uh-uh, no, no, no,
for 13 years,
312
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,190
you have been
in the driver's seat.
313
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,218
I was just
riding shotgun.
314
00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,194
Well, it doesn't matter
who was driving before,
315
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:01,262
because you're
behind the wheel now.
316
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,191
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
317
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,755
Well, then,
guess what,
318
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,234
I'm taking my hands
off the wheel,
319
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:06,702
I'm opening
the car door,
320
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,270
and I'm rolling out.
321
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,868
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm rolling
out the other side.
322
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,871
Then I'll see you
in the gutter.
323
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,273
It's where I found you.
324
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:18,975
Hey, mom.
Hi, cuties.
How was your day?
325
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:21,209
We don't want Daddy
to stay at home anymore.
326
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,354
Oh...
327
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,819
We had to line up,
328
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,817
in a line.
329
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,293
So we were wondering
if you could...
330
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:32,359
you know, stop going
to your job.
331
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:37,199
Sometimes the wisest words
come from children.
332
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,367
Well, you guys were
okay with it yesterday.
333
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,267
Our snack was
Listerine strips.
334
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,839
Okay, just let me
talk to Daddy.
335
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,711
That means yes!
Oh, really? Yes!
336
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,310
Thank you.
337
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,876
How's this supposed to work?
338
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,721
I mean, I'm not
quitting my job.
339
00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:58,377
So what, I'm just supposed
to do everything myself?
340
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:02,185
Well, sounds like a plan
that makes everybody happy.
341
00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:04,819
You know what?
You can be a real jackass.
342
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,863
Maybe it is one word.
343
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,470
Morning, everyone.
Good morning, Mom.
344
00:12:18,472 --> 00:12:19,772
Morning, Mom.
Morning, Mom.
345
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:21,013
You okay?
346
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,937
Yeah, yeah, I'm great.
347
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,043
I, uh, got up
at 5:00 this morning,
348
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:27,405
and I-I figured out
an after-school schedule,
349
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,984
a couple carpools,
couple play dates.
350
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:32,453
Now I just have to do
morning drop-off a little early
351
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,022
so I can get
to work on time.
352
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,920
I got this.
353
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,462
Are you coming
to Ice Cream Sundae Fun Day?
354
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,488
That's today?
355
00:12:40,494 --> 00:12:43,264
Um... yeah, you know,
356
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,863
I-I-could just--
I can ask my boss
357
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:48,996
if-if-if-if I can miss,
uh, my second day, uh...
358
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,072
(weakly clears throat)
359
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,471
Oh, jeez.
360
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:55,842
Mommy's having a little
trouble breathing.
361
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:57,482
Okay, kids, your mom and I
need to have a talk,
362
00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:00,037
so, uh...
363
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:02,476
get in the pantry.
364
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,352
Come on, take
your cereal with you.
365
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,381
This is why these
open-floor plans don't work.
366
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:09,086
There's no place to have
a private conversation.
367
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,859
Teddy, one hand on the bowl,
one hand on the spoon.
368
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,425
Okay, I don't think
this is working.
369
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,059
I don't want
to quit my job.
370
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:19,434
Yeah, well, you
shouldn't have to, okay?
371
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:20,902
This is important
to you,
372
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:21,971
and I am not
gonna stand by
373
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,428
and let you be
treated like this.
374
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,096
Why are you yelling
my side of the fight?
375
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,435
I don't know.
I feel bad.
376
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,110
I don't like it.
It makes me want to yell.
377
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,109
Well, I feel bad, too.
I mean,
378
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,011
I don't want to turn
everything upside-down.
379
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,253
All right, look,
we don't have time
380
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,247
to figure this whole
thing out now, okay?
381
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,150
I'll take the kids to school,
I'll do Sunday Dumb Day,
382
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,293
but just for today. Okay?
383
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:44,389
We need to find a solution
that makes you happy,
384
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:47,161
and me happy, and the kids
happy, and me happy.
385
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,260
Okay, I get it.
You want out.
386
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:51,262
But look, the most
important thing
387
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,604
is that the kids are
taken care of.
388
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,129
That's right, we're
all about the kids.
389
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:56,944
All right,
I gotta go. Bye.
390
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,197
You left something.
391
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,943
Forgot my phone.
392
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:10,181
Adam!
393
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,424
I know, I know.
394
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:16,190
(keys jingle)
Can't go anywhere without these.
395
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,134
Hey.
396
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:24,359
Hey.
397
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,034
I volunteered to be
your assistant today.
398
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,233
I'm finding myself
very drawn
399
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:31,135
to your alpha-male
energy.
400
00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:33,167
Don't say stuff
like that, Lowell.
401
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:35,043
It's weird.
402
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,281
Such an alpha.
403
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,206
Hey.
Oh, hey, Marie.
404
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,615
Look, I'm sorry for
what I said yesterday
405
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:44,977
about Victor.
406
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,275
Actually,
it made me think.
407
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,946
He has hit
a rough patch.
408
00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:49,554
I'm a single mom.
409
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,956
Maybe Victor could use
a male role model.
Oh.
410
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:54,559
Maybe next weekend
you could take him camping?
411
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:57,461
Oh, uh, I...
412
00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,064
Gotcha.
You were sweating.
413
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,196
Oh...
414
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,531
He was sweating?
I was sweating
415
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,235
because he's my
role model.
416
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,510
Andi.
ANDI: Hey, guys.
417
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,108
Hey.
Hey.
418
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,510
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, took an early lunch.
419
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,052
I thought you might
need some help.
420
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,147
What, are you
checking up on me?
421
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:18,279
Well, you did leave
the kids in the pantry.
422
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,175
You put your children
in the pantry?
423
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:22,216
You know, Victor could use
a little pantry time.
424
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:24,362
Go scoop something.
425
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,157
What's going on?
426
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,459
I was just thinking about
what you're going through,
427
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:29,991
and, you know,
maybe you're right.
428
00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,526
Maybe you're just not
cut out for this.
429
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,201
Not cut out for this?
430
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:34,669
That's what I say
when I fire people
431
00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:37,168
Are y-- Are you trying
to fire me?
432
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:39,540
Well, let me tell you
something, love of my life.
433
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,209
I don't get fired, okay?
434
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:44,007
I have a 99% customer
satisfaction rate.
435
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:45,380
I have a plaque
from the county,
436
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,548
which I said we should
hang in the den,
437
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,417
and you never did, and
now nobody can find it.
438
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,247
Okay, well, there's
a big difference
439
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,192
between building houses
and raising kids.
440
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:55,947
Not true.
Not true at all.
441
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,716
They both need
a solid foundation.
442
00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:00,564
That's right, didn't see
that coming, did you, huh?
443
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,700
Look, all I know is I can
take care of our kids.
444
00:16:03,697 --> 00:16:05,127
Didn't see that coming
either, did you?
445
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,401
Well, great.
446
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,000
Do you have a plan
to get the kids in line?
447
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,703
Yes, I do.
448
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,313
But it's a secret.
(laughs)
449
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,409
So...
Great.
450
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,411
Can't wait to see it.
451
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:23,183
Good luck.
Good luck?
452
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,183
That's the other thing I say
when I fire people.
453
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,145
Good luck!
454
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,523
I don't need luck.
I need help.
455
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:33,287
I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
456
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,293
but, Lowell, what do you
think I should do?
457
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,126
Well, I managed to get
my girls addicted
458
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:41,131
to lottery scratchers,
and I simply withhold them
459
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,704
when they don't do
what I say.
460
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,470
Well, first of all,
good luck
461
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:52,536
with your future
exotic dancers.
462
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:55,145
Plus, I don't have time to get
my kids addicted to something,
463
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,648
and then take it away,
I need a solution now.
464
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,380
Oh, my God.
465
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,316
My iPad is at one percent.
What do I do?
466
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:04,221
Kill your apps.
Dad, give me your phone.
467
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,164
I just need a little something
to get me to the house.
468
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:11,259
Relax. It's like you guys
are addict... ed to those.
469
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,734
(chuckles)
470
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,533
My little junkies.
471
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,298
(chuckles)
472
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:27,380
And... panic.
473
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,719
We can't get
online!
474
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,477
Nothing works.
W-what's happening?
475
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,445
Is it the Wi-Fi?
Is the Wi-Fi out?
476
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:37,124
No, it's not out.
477
00:17:37,123 --> 00:17:40,323
I just installed
a rolling Wi-Fi password.
478
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:43,226
Every day,
the password will change.
479
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:47,369
And until your chores get done,
you won't get your fix--
480
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,797
the new password.
481
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:51,343
So pick your clothes up
off the floor,
482
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,337
put your backpacks
where they belong,
483
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:57,610
and keep your hands
out of your pants!
484
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,480
Oh, my God,
you've gone crazy!
485
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,179
At least ease us in.
486
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,811
Maybe today is just
explaining it,
487
00:18:02,816 --> 00:18:04,616
and then tomorrow...
488
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:06,417
I know you're mad at me,
but you know what?
489
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,649
That's okay.
Because I'm not your friend.
490
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,245
I'm your father.
491
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,186
I'm the warden.
492
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:16,693
And it's my job
to rehabilitate you.
493
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:20,256
Now, my chores are done,
so I have the password.
494
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:23,566
If you'll excuse me...
I have candy to crush.
495
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,343
Hey.
Hi, honey.
496
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:34,275
Wow, it's so clean.
497
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,710
And quiet.
498
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:39,145
Did you put the kids
in the pantry again?
499
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:43,862
No. It's clean and quiet
because... Daddy won.
500
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:46,287
That's right. And
I didn't yell at them.
501
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:49,632
I outwitted 'em.
Like the Roadrunner.
502
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:53,127
Ooh...
503
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,433
Oh...
504
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:57,474
Thank you.
505
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,770
Look... (sighs)
506
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:03,142
I love you, and I want
to do this for you
507
00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,443
because you deserve it.
508
00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:06,644
And now, I know I can.
509
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,176
So don't worry
about the kids.
510
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,552
I got it.
511
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:13,450
Wow.
512
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,153
I think this might be
the most attractive
513
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,615
you have ever been.
514
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,393
I agree.
515
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:22,694
So I guess me coming
to school was worth it.
516
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:26,455
What?
What?
517
00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:40,241
Wait a minute.
518
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:49,188
So you came down
to the school...
519
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,689
and you said
all that stuff...
520
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,591
so that I would...
521
00:19:54,928 --> 00:19:56,558
To get me to...
522
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,269
No. I had it
and I lost it.
523
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,497
It's too complicated.
524
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,403
Eh, drink your beer,
Roadrunner.
525
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:06,335
Yeah.
526
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,676
KATE: Hey, Mom.
Hey, guys.
527
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,252
Uh, Dad?
Yeah?
528
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,591
We just wanted to say
we were sorry.
529
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:22,648
We were super
inconsiderate.
530
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,255
And spoiled.
531
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,657
You're then best Daddy
in the world.
532
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:34,304
Aw, I love you guys.
Bring it in.
533
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,570
Come on.
(chuckles)
534
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,599
Mm.
535
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,874
Daddy, can we have
a puppy?
536
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:44,483
Oh, sweetheart,
you know we can't.
537
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,607
Well, maybe we should think
about a puppy.
538
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,484
Really. Mom?
Mom, are you serious?
539
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,652
(kids shouting excitedly)
540
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,289
What happened here?
541
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:57,558
Everybody loves
Johnny Cash.
542
00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,557
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
543
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:02,029
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org