1
00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:04,443
Hey, Katie.
Hi, uh, Teddy and I
want to show Emme
2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,108
The Princess Bride.
Is she old enough?
3
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,607
Yeah. Well, uh, wait.
4
00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:09,508
Yes.
Yes. Like I said, yes.
5
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:12,208
Oh, man.
6
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,283
Teddy never puts away his iPad.
7
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,276
Oh, my God.
8
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:18,324
What?
9
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:19,719
See for yourself.
10
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,185
That's a naked lady.
11
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,328
On Teddy's iPad.
12
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:27,657
He's 11.
13
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,561
And there's a naked lady
on his iPad?
14
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,472
That's not so bad--
it's just the top half.
15
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:36,435
God,
I can't believe
16
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:39,467
Teddy's going online and looking
at pictures of naked women.
17
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:42,443
And then leaving
the computer out.
18
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:44,113
Rookie mistake.
19
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,409
That doesn't sound like him.
20
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:49,045
Wait a minute...
21
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,524
Was this you?
22
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:55,792
No.
23
00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:57,360
I like a little
more of a story.
24
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:58,758
I'm old-fashioned.
25
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:02,764
Hey, come on, don't you
supervise him when he's online?
26
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,303
When he's online?
He's online all the time.
27
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,369
If I was
gonna watch
28
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,097
what he's doing, I'd have to...
29
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:11,202
quit my job and give
the other two kids away.
30
00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:13,469
Oh, I know.
31
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,235
My precious, innocent Teddy
32
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,083
isn't so innocent anymore.
33
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:20,549
Now he's-he's just like...
34
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,208
one of you.
35
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:24,547
Hey.
36
00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:26,752
She's not wrong.
37
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,291
(stammers)
Look at her.
38
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:31,360
I mean, why is it always
some hoochie mama?
39
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:33,688
I mean, where
are the naked doctors?
40
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:35,625
Naked astronauts?
41
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:37,699
Naked presidents?
42
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,358
They're out there.
Put dot com
43
00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:41,326
at the end of any one of those,
you'll find it.
44
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,440
Okay, look... we can't just
45
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:44,867
let Teddy sit around
46
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:47,442
and look at the top half
of naked women.
47
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,811
W-What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
48
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:52,340
Yeah.
Oh, no, no.
You are gonna have
49
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:53,606
the birds and the bees talk
with him.
50
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,614
Oh, the talk?
51
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,490
Oh...
52
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,417
Well, can't that wait until
53
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,322
he starts looking
at the bottom half?
54
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:05,385
Because that's where
55
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,532
the questions come in.
56
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:10,258
No, Adam,
there's no avoiding this.
57
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,904
I do the girls,
you do the boy.
58
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,370
It's your job.
59
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,498
All right, fine,
I'll handle it.
60
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:16,843
Thank you.
61
00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:18,397
Oh, and when you talk to him,
62
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:20,235
d-don't mention
the pictures, okay?
63
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,711
We don't want there to be
any shame involved.
64
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:25,439
How do I talk about
this stuff without shame?
65
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:26,876
They go hand in hand.
66
00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:28,381
Yeah, shame's
what makes it hot.
67
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,752
Ye...
68
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:33,290
No, we're not trying
to make it hot, Don.
69
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:36,417
No, and if you want, um,
70
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:37,823
I got this book
71
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,855
to give Kate the talk.
Oh.
72
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,560
And the book came with these two
73
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:44,732
anatomically correct dolls,
Sandy and Randy.
74
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,537
Educational body buddies.
75
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:52,567
They look just like regular
dolls.
76
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,213
Oh, well, um...
77
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,178
take a look
under that Velcro flap.
78
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,954
Oh!
79
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,880
Looks like Randy just
got out of the pool.
80
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,615
¶ ¶
81
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,372
Teddy.
82
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,598
Hi, Dad.
83
00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:28,306
Hey, buddy, uh...
84
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,512
You know,
85
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:35,253
I was just thinking that, uh,
86
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:38,279
maybe we should have
a conversation
87
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:41,815
about where babies come from.
88
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,492
So, why don't you tell me
what you know,
89
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,560
and, uh, I'll fill in the rest.
90
00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:49,334
Okay.
91
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:51,860
Well, a man and a woman
92
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:54,495
lie down together,
usually in a bed.
93
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,871
Ah, you're a traditionalist.
94
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,770
I like it.
95
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,771
Then a golden egg
appears between them.
96
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:09,547
Uh, a what now?
97
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,750
A golden egg.
98
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,949
The woman eats it and a few
months later she has a baby.
99
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,887
Uh-huh.
100
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:21,392
Then the man falls asleep
101
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,455
and the woman yells at him.
102
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,443
You nailed it, boss.
103
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,408
Yeah.
104
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,007
There you go. Okay.
105
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,817
How did it go with the boy?
106
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:48,388
Well, one of us is wrong
about where babies come from.
107
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,690
And, uh, I'm pretty sure
it's him.
108
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,828
So he didn't know anything?
109
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,633
No. So I bailed.
110
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,395
And I think that's
okay. I mean,
111
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,065
no one ever
had the talk with me.
112
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:08,841
I did. When you were eight.
113
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,812
I told you babies
came out of your butt.
114
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,411
And you believed me.
115
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,554
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
116
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,351
That was not cool.
Every time I went
117
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:23,386
to the bathroom I was afraid
118
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,660
I was gonna have a baby.
119
00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,461
I got to go back up there.
120
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,403
Even I know
that's the right thing to do.
Yeah.
121
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:34,728
Hey, come with me. If the two
of us are there, it'll seem...
122
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,435
it'll seem more like
a casual conversation.
123
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,668
Okay, yeah.
124
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,072
We're family.
Mm.
125
00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:42,344
We help each other out.
Okay.
126
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,552
(door closes)
127
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,893
Teddy.
128
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,389
Yeah?
129
00:05:57,391 --> 00:06:00,091
So, uh...
130
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,564
turns out that your
131
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:05,633
golden egg theory
was a little off.
132
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,932
So I'm here
133
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,565
to give you
the real story.
134
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:13,370
And I brought two
friends of mine.
135
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,774
This is Sandy
136
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,805
and this is Randy.
137
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:19,680
And they really, really
love each other.
138
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,484
Okay, uh...
139
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:29,049
hold on to your hat.
140
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,586
And, uh, that's
pretty much that.
141
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,034
Now, I know it's a lot
142
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,729
to take in,
143
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,131
but, uh...
144
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:51,535
You, uh, you doing
okay there, buddy?
145
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,515
I, uh...
146
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,890
Here's ten dollars. Buy
yourself something nice, okay?
147
00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:13,898
Oh, hey, honey, I have a-a
safety meeting at the hospital,
148
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:17,601
but I brought home
some pizza for the...
149
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,840
What happened to you?
150
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,812
Well...
151
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,111
I just put on
a pornographic puppet show
152
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,813
for my only son.
153
00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:32,476
Well, hey, you had the talk
with Teddy, that's great.
154
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:36,116
(scoffs)
Yeah, and a puppet show,
you found a way to make it fun.
155
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:39,493
I wouldn't call it fun.
156
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,663
I was just
gonna give him
157
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,091
the basics, but..
158
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,495
he kept staring at me.
159
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:44,527
So I kept
160
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,961
filling the silences
161
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,666
with more detail.
162
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,828
You know, and,
163
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,196
and the quieter he got,
164
00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:52,574
the more I explained, and...
165
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:54,843
and then, 'cause I thought
I'd never see happiness
166
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,982
in my son's eyes again,
167
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,877
I gave him ten dollars.
168
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,010
Okay, well, I-I don't know
if combining money and sex
169
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,646
is a great first lesson.
170
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:08,052
I was buying a ticket
out of that room.
171
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,485
I would have paid anything.
172
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:10,760
(groans)
173
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,017
Was it this
horrible when you
174
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,585
had the talk with Katie?
175
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,034
No, but, you know,
176
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,528
mothers and daughters
understand each other.
177
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:19,730
There's a lot more
unsaid than said.
178
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,973
Oh, I had to explain everything.
179
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:25,569
Starting with what goes where.
180
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:27,642
He had no idea about the where.
181
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:28,911
And, honestly,
182
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,809
he was a little hazy
on the what.
183
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,982
He... But he has a what.
184
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:37,521
He doesn't know
what the what's for.
185
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,748
Okay, but he-he was
looking at those pictures,
186
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,123
he must have known something.
187
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,591
Not a clue.
188
00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,919
A-And the new information?
189
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,264
He doesn't love it.
You know what, honey,
190
00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:49,560
he just, he needs some time
to process this, that's all.
191
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:50,833
Like that time
in the mall bathroom
192
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,301
when he saw Santa Claus
at the urinal.
193
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,670
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and Santa said to Teddy
194
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:58,999
"I'm sorry, I couldn't
ho-ho-hold it." Yeah.
195
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,170
Yeah, I know.
196
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,835
I mean, he got through that,
he'll get through this too.
197
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:08,245
I don't know. Explaining to him
what men and women do,
198
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,708
saying it out loud?
199
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,246
I was just as shocked as he was.
200
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:17,718
We should be ashamed
of ourselves.
201
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,624
Oh, you're in bad shape.
202
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,086
Yeah.
203
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,764
Uh, look, honey,
I'm sorry, I can't get out
204
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:23,933
of this meeting, but I...
It's okay.
205
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,061
I'm really proud of you
206
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,325
for handling this.
207
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,603
You want
some crackers
208
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,731
for your tummy?
209
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,236
Yeah, that-that sounds nice.
210
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,738
Thank you. Okay.
Okay.
211
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,109
I'll, um...
(clears throat)
212
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,837
I'll get home as-as
soon as I can.
213
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,912
All right.
214
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,151
(door closes)
215
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:46,818
Hey!
216
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:49,789
You're moving, that's good.
217
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,660
(chuckles)
218
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:52,858
Why did you tell me that stuff?
219
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:55,089
I thought we were friends.
220
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,725
Well...
221
00:09:57,731 --> 00:10:00,771
because of the pictures.
222
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:01,767
What pictures?
223
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,028
The ones you were looking at
224
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,136
on your iPad last night.
225
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,767
I wasn't on my iPad last night.
226
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:06,872
Kate borrowed it.
227
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:10,609
Katie?
228
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,811
Why would Katie
be looking at that stuff?
229
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,383
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
230
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,254
I'm gonna take my pizza
out to the swing set
231
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,952
and remember what it was
like to be a child.
232
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,059
Okay, buddy.
(chuckles)
233
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,888
Hey, uh, Teddy, listen, um...
234
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,902
That thing we talked about
upstairs, right?
235
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,899
It's good.
236
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,966
Even when it's bad...
237
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:42,242
it's good.
238
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,982
Can we stop talking now?
239
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,407
Yeah, okay.
240
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,653
Why do you have Teddy's iPad?
241
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:55,715
Well, because there
are some very
242
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,792
interesting pictures on it.
243
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,291
Why are you telling me?
I never had it.
244
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,833
Oh, well, he says you did.
245
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,928
Hey, let's go question him
together.
246
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:05,360
I'll be the good cop,
247
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,625
and, you, you be the cop
248
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:07,902
that lies about being
on the iPad.
249
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:09,171
Come on.
250
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,799
Okay. Fine, it was me.
251
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:14,035
Wh...?
252
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,211
Why?
253
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,409
I was getting changed for gym,
and...
254
00:11:18,412 --> 00:11:21,252
some girls have small ones
and some girls have big ones
255
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,308
and some girls have...
really weird ones and I just,
256
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,316
I wanted to see what the
average was, I don't know.
257
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,248
I-I don't want to talk about
it and everything's fine.
258
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:29,924
O-Okay. Okay, I get it.
That, uh...
259
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:33,693
that makes sense.
(chuckles)
260
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,200
Here's ten dollars. Go buy
yourself something nice, okay?
261
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,107
(sighs)
262
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:52,884
Look, honey...
263
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,709
I think you're perfect.
264
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:57,025
Okay? And,
265
00:11:57,033 --> 00:11:59,353
in the future, when you have
questions like this,
266
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:02,222
just ask Mom.
267
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,462
Okay?
Because...
268
00:12:03,457 --> 00:12:05,417
she gave you
the birds and the bees talk,
269
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:08,955
so you already have,
you know, open channels.
270
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:10,862
We never had a talk about that.
271
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:14,474
What? She never showed you
any dolls?
272
00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:15,968
Wh-What?
273
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,469
Dirty dolls--
have you seen them?
274
00:12:17,471 --> 00:12:21,111
No, I learned all about that
stuff in health class at school.
275
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,008
What? They still teach that?
276
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,279
I could've stayed completely out
of this?
277
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:29,278
Oh, I have been misinformed
about a lot of things lately!
278
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,752
It's butt babies
all over again!
279
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,322
Hey, honey.
280
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:39,955
How was your night? How's Teddy?
281
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,790
Not bad, liar.
282
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,455
What?
283
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:49,496
A lot happened tonight
while you were gone.
284
00:12:49,503 --> 00:12:51,303
Yeah.
285
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,974
Turns out it was Katie
who was looking
286
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,473
at those pictures
on the Internet.
287
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,174
Are you serious?
288
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,836
Mm-hmm.
Our Katie?
289
00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,484
Yeah, yeah, and that's
just the beginning
290
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,049
of the revelations.
291
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,377
(quietly):
I also found out
292
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:09,546
that you never had the birds
and the bees talk with Katie
293
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:12,086
like you told me you did.
294
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,132
Uh-oh.
295
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:17,925
Yeah. Yeah, you talk the talk,
296
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,531
but you don't talk the talk.
297
00:13:19,533 --> 00:13:21,473
Okay.
298
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,468
Okay... (stammers)
I meant to talk to her.
299
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,270
I bought the book
and the dolls.
300
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,842
And then when I went up to
her room, she was sitting there,
301
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,570
playing with a stuffed unicorn.
I just couldn't do it.
302
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:33,506
Teddy was playing with a yo-yo,
but I powered through.
303
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:38,446
Okay, but, you know,
then I thought I would just wait
304
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:41,251
for a natural time,
when she'd say something.
305
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,554
And-and then, you know, I'd say,
306
00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:44,316
"Hey, it's funny
you should bring that up."
307
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,924
But that never happened.
308
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,126
And then,
309
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,557
one day, I got a,
310
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:50,092
you know, a permission slip
311
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:51,596
for a special health class.
312
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,598
So, you know, I just...
313
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,500
let it ride.
314
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:59,043
Let it ride.
Yeah.
315
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,839
Did not know that was an option,
Mrs. Pants On Fire!
316
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,982
Oh, come on!
317
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,507
You are not mad because I lied--
318
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,512
you're mad because I figured out
a way to get out of this
319
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,214
and you couldn't.
320
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:10,876
I outmaneuvered you.
321
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,584
No! It's because...
322
00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:15,186
Yes, that's exactly it!
323
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,416
Well, congratulations.
324
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:21,555
You almost got away clean.
325
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,031
Wh-What do you mean, "almost"?
326
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,529
Turns out Katie
was looking at those pictures
327
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,532
because she has some intimate,
328
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:31,104
private lady questions
about her body.
329
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,874
Hmm?
330
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:38,543
Questions that only her mother
can answer.
331
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:41,575
Fine, I will talk to her
tomorrow.
332
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,581
Mm.
333
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,622
(groans)
334
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:46,447
This is gonna be
so awkward.
335
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,393
Aw.
336
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,959
I hope so.
337
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,030
Katie...
338
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,404
Katie, Katie,
Kate, Kate. (chuckles)
339
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,230
What's up?
(clears throat)
340
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,135
So...
341
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:07,367
I'd like to tell you
the story of my breasts.
342
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:10,384
KATE: Oh, my God!
Please stop talking!
343
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:12,637
(door slams)
344
00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:15,406
Kate sounds mad at Mommy.
345
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,975
Isn't it glorious?
346
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:23,493
I finished my lunch, Daddy.
Can I go play?
347
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:26,620
Yes, go play.
That's what the world needs.
348
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:31,256
(sighs)
All right, I still got one.
349
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:35,274
Well, uh, Kate and Teddy
are gonna pass on lunch.
350
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:39,398
They said they don't think
they'll ever be hungry again.
351
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:40,706
Well, it's official.
352
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,337
We are really bad
at these talks.
353
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:46,583
And yet so good
at the thing itself.
354
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:49,379
Well, that's because
we don't talk during the thing.
355
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,582
We tried once.
356
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:51,423
You got bossy.
357
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,118
You know, the problem is
358
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,289
that n-now we've made
this subject so horribly awkward
359
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,388
for our kids,
and we need to undo it.
360
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,590
Otherwise, they're never
gonna talk to us about anything.
361
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:02,232
You're saying we have
to have another terrible talk
362
00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:04,728
to ensure future terrible talks?
363
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:06,901
Exactly.
364
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,069
I thought if I said it out loud
it might change your mind.
365
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,606
Emme's gonna stay
upstairs, right?
366
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,538
Yeah, yeah. I gave her a bowl
of candy and shut her door.
367
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:21,375
Ooh. We won't see her
for a while, but, when we do,
368
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:23,351
she's gonna be riding
the dragon.
369
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,186
Okay. Let's do this.
All right.
370
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,991
BOTH:
Hey...
371
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:35,694
Oh, no.
372
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:37,695
Okay, guys, I...
373
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,697
I think we kind of screwed
this whole thing up,
374
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,170
all right? We
made what happens
375
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,168
between a man and a woman...
376
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,000
u-upsetting.
377
00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:49,566
Or a man and a man and
a woman and a woman.
378
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,140
What?!
379
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,705
Okay, don't worry, don't worry.
380
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,084
We don't have the dolls
for that.
381
00:16:57,083 --> 00:17:01,523
The point is that we want
you guys to feel comfortable
382
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,651
talking to us about any
questions you may have.
383
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:07,786
Yeah. Exactly. We don't want
you to go to the Internet.
384
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,134
We want you
to come to us.
385
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,629
Because, really,
386
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:14,070
all this is totally
natural and beautiful.
387
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:15,427
ADAM:
Exactly.
388
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,395
Like-like when your mom and I...
389
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,444
Ugh!
Okay,
390
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,068
okay, okay. Not us.
391
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,643
Two-two other people,
like, uh...
392
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,482
Patrick Dempsey.
393
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,683
Patrick Dempsey?
394
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:32,581
All right, fine. Then I'm going
with, uh, Jennifer Lawrence.
395
00:17:33,787 --> 00:17:36,187
She is half your age.
396
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:39,819
Hey, when I imagine these
things, I'm half my age, too.
397
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:42,764
What are you guys doing?
ANDI:
Okay, okay.
398
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,302
H-Here's the point.
399
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:45,757
(clears throat)
400
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,765
When these things happen,
401
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:51,437
two human beings connect
on a very intimate level.
402
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,638
I-It's not about
the mechanics. It's...
403
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,810
it's about the love. Now,
404
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:58,809
here's how we should've
explained it in the first place.
405
00:17:58,812 --> 00:17:59,842
Just like we practiced.
406
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:00,846
I got it.
407
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,547
(clearing throat)
408
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:12,562
Hello.
409
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,289
I am a man.
410
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:18,234
And I have loved you
for a very long time.
411
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,731
And I am a woman.
412
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,372
And you look
like a good project
413
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,697
for me to improve.
414
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,374
Very funny, Sandy.
(chuckles)
415
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:30,373
Now that we've
finished college,
416
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,536
let's take the next step.
417
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,205
I am just
418
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,114
so glad we didn't
meet in a bar.
419
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,476
Hmm.
420
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,754
Should we make a baby?
421
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,292
Heck yeah!
422
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,786
It's our biological
imperative.
423
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:50,863
Hey, let's call our parents
and discuss our options.
424
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,232
Or we could just
walk over there,
425
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,874
because we love
them so much,
426
00:18:55,869 --> 00:18:59,139
we live right
down the street.
427
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,813
The end.
428
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,639
Of act one.
429
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,851
ANDI:
What are you reading?
430
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,479
The book that came
with the dolls.
431
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,323
Surprisingly,
432
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,421
there's a few things in here
I thought we could try.
433
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:19,894
Really?
434
00:19:19,893 --> 00:19:21,733
Mm. Yeah.
435
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:25,158
Might I direct your attention
to this illustration,
436
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:30,165
and ask that you pretend
they are not cartoon bears.
437
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:33,370
I-I think he's just
giving her a massage.
438
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,543
Nah. No, no, no, no.
439
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:38,282
Look at the smile
on her face.
440
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,813
Something's going on
with that back paw.
441
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,275
Mm-hmm.
442
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,784
Hello.
443
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:49,786
I am a man.
444
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:54,734
And I have loved you
for a very long time.
445
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,857
Well, hello.
446
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,863
I am a woman.
Mm.
447
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:02,725
And I think your project
does not need improving.
448
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:04,235
Aw.
449
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:05,967
Turn off the lights.
450
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:09,472
So bossy.
Oh...
451
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:10,935
(chuckles)
452
00:20:15,481 --> 00:20:18,581
So what did you bring for
show-and-tell today, Emme?
This.
453
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,422
Ah.
454
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,862
These are special dolls
that my mommy and daddy have.
455
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:26,657
Mm.
456
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,489
And what makes them so special?
457
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,384
This does.
458
00:20:30,379 --> 00:20:32,259
Oh, dear Lord! Everybody,
heads on the desk, eyes closed!
459
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,425
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