1
00:00:02,069 --> 00:00:05,099
So, you guys have a big
anniversary coming up, huh?
2
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:07,366
Yup. 20 years.
3
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,065
20 years with Don.
Yeah.
4
00:00:09,076 --> 00:00:11,376
That is hard time.
5
00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:12,509
ANDI:
You know, you might want
6
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:13,642
to get her something
more romantic
7
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,647
than last year's
Chipotle gift card.
8
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:19,220
It was $19--
a dollar a year.
9
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:22,350
It's not about
how much he spends on me.
10
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,686
That's my girl.
11
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,161
It's about finding a gift
that's thoughtful,
12
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,789
meaningful, that shows
how well he knows me.
13
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:30,034
Oh, so you want disappointment
for your anniversary.
14
00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,731
KATE:
Hey.
15
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,672
Mom, can we go
to the mall tomorrow?
16
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,697
I found the perfect outfit
for Saturday night.
17
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,343
Oh, what's, uh...
what's Saturday night?
18
00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:38,098
My first date.
19
00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:40,605
What?
20
00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,438
Um, actually, honey,
21
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:45,283
I-I haven't really discussed
that with your dad, yet.
22
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,249
Oh. (laughs)
23
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:50,419
Just remember, Daddy,
you're my hero.
24
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,378
(chuckles)
25
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,116
Buckle up, baby.
26
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,759
Katie has a date Saturday night?
27
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,187
When were you planning
on telling me about this?
28
00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,593
Sunday morning.
29
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:05,525
We agreed she was not gonna date
until she's 35.
30
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:09,803
No, you just said that one day
after we watched Teen Mom.
31
00:01:09,804 --> 00:01:11,844
She's almost 14.
Most of her friends
32
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,469
have been dating for months.
33
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,844
MARCY:
This is when it starts.
34
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,782
I was 13
when I first went out with Don.
35
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,107
Mm-hmm.
You hear that?
36
00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:20,782
Marcy could have been somebody.
37
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:24,181
Come on, it's not like I'm
making her a child bride.
38
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:28,345
She's just going out with that
nice boy from her class-- Royce.
39
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:33,085
Royce? Royce-- with all the hair
and the wallet on a chain?
40
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:36,664
What's a 13-year-old kid
need a wallet for anyway?
41
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:37,464
Condoms.
42
00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,155
Don!
43
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:40,726
No, he's right.
44
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,134
You know, I've seen
that Royce kid around.
45
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:43,666
He's a player.
46
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,141
And you know this because?
47
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,539
Andi. Who are you talking to?
48
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,841
Huh?
49
00:01:48,843 --> 00:01:50,783
I was 14 once.
I know the game.
50
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,178
Right? You give the gals
a little bit of this,
51
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:55,110
a little bit of that,
52
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,816
and all the red lights
turn green!
53
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,247
Oh, my God. (laughs)
54
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:00,893
Trust me.
55
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,318
I can spot my own kind.
56
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,424
Yeah, we players know players.
Mm-hmm.
57
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,886
Well, look, you're being
protective, all right?
58
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,455
And-and I love that about you,
but we both know
59
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,834
that you are not gonna like
anyone she dates.
60
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,673
No. No, that's not it.
61
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,568
My instincts are telling me
that this kid is no good.
62
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,171
And I don't want Katie
dating him.
63
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,813
Okay, well, I already
told her that she could.
64
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,308
If it makes you feel
any better, I-I can...
65
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,610
I can do a little of this. Huh?
66
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:28,884
And a little bit of that.
67
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,262
That's not how you do it.
68
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,902
Okay, and you can't just
make a unilateral decision.
69
00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:46,498
We discuss things
in this family.
70
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:50,270
Well, yes, usually, but, you
know, I knew you'd say no,
71
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,371
and then, I'd veto your no,
so then I just thought, hey,
72
00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:55,843
(blows raspberry) why not
just cut out the middle man?
73
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,283
Okay, well, first of all
(blows raspberry)
74
00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,679
I'm not the middle man.
75
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,410
Okay?
76
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,175
I am the man.
77
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,921
And second of all,
if you're going to unilaterally
78
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,750
decide she can go, then
I'm going to unilaterally
79
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:09,886
decide that your decision
80
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,790
is caca.
81
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,533
Oh, don't you remember
Romeo and Juliet?
82
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,898
If you don't give your daughter
the freedom to date
83
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,927
who she wants,
it does not end well.
84
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,533
Oh. Well, don't you remember
those Taken movies?
85
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,695
That's what happens when
you give your daughter freedom.
86
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:27,274
Taken, Andi. One, two,
three times they get taken.
87
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,946
¶ ¶
88
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:45,755
Mwah. Okay, bye, guys.
In you go.
89
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,659
Bye, Daddy.
Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye.
90
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,431
Hey, Royce.
91
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,730
What's up, girl?
(laughs)
92
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,830
You see that?
He called her "girl."
93
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,665
She has a name, Royce!
94
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,500
Yeah, it's Kate.
Sometimes Katie.
95
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:02,306
Ah, guys like that
never listen to me.
Yeah.
96
00:04:02,309 --> 00:04:04,679
Hey, uh, Mrs. Rodriguez?
Mm?
97
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,008
Um, what do you know
about that kid Royce
98
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,813
that's always hanging around
Katie?
99
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:08,875
Oh, he's one of my favorites.
100
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,232
He's an honor roll student,
101
00:04:10,233 --> 00:04:11,583
started his own
dog-walking company,
102
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,515
even works weekends at the mall.
103
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,720
Oh, I see, huh?
He charmed you, too, huh?
104
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,993
What'd he do, give you
a little bit of this
105
00:04:17,992 --> 00:04:19,832
little bit of that?
106
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:21,287
Stop that.
What is that?
107
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:25,355
There's children here,
for God sakes.
108
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,366
I'm telling you, I have got
109
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:29,668
a gut feeling that this kid is
no good. I just need proof.
110
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,990
So what's the plan, chief?
111
00:04:31,988 --> 00:04:34,308
Well, first, keep calling
me "chief." I like that.
112
00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:35,708
Ooh, okay.
113
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,609
These kids put everything
they do on the Internet.
114
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,051
Maybe we can find
something on him there.
Oh, I'm your man.
115
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,607
If there is dirty laundry about
Royce online, I'll find it.
116
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:46,446
I'm like Russia, but with
the easy grace of France.
Oh.
117
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:48,853
Well, I'm like America,
so let's go get a burger
118
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:52,556
and stick our noses
where they don't belong.
119
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:54,459
LOWELL:
Okay.
120
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:58,031
I managed to uncover
Royce's public Instagram page.
121
00:04:58,032 --> 00:05:00,772
Lowell, I could
have done that.
122
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:03,638
But then we wouldn't be
on this buddy adventure.
123
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,338
Oh, look at this.
124
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,371
Every picture,
he's with a different girl.
125
00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:12,506
I knew Royce was a dog.
I got to show this to Andi.
126
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,613
Oh, that's my comput...
Okay, it's fine!
127
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:27,064
You know, I just realized
we've never been alone together.
128
00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,861
You're an odd bird, aren't you?
129
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:33,033
I have feelings, if that's
what you're getting at.
130
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:37,673
Great, because I have a question
for somebody who has feelings.
131
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,611
My anniversary is coming up, and
I have a gift in mind for Marcy.
132
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:41,837
Let me run it by you.
133
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,582
Oh, I'm great at finding
the perfect gift.
134
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:44,537
Hit me with it.
135
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,505
A dirt bike.
136
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:49,013
Why would you get Marcy
a dirt bike?
137
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:52,446
Ah. Because secretly,
I want a dirt bike.
138
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,353
Do you see where I'm going
with this?
139
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,745
Uh-huh, uh huh.
Ah?
140
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:59,756
Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?
141
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,430
I don't wear much jewelry.
142
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:02,788
For Marcy!
143
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,956
Oh.
Let-Let's think about her.
144
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,665
What does Marcy mean to you?
145
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:09,627
She's the mother of my son
and the love of my life.
146
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,766
Good! And when you
think of her, you feel?
147
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,572
Guilty.
148
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,674
Something nice.
149
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,376
Horny?
150
00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:18,638
Dear God.
151
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,075
What other feelings are there?
152
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,750
Nope. That's all of them.
153
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:26,952
Whose computer is this?
154
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:29,654
Will you pay attention?
155
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:32,556
Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.
156
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,789
Royce, girl.
Royce, two girls.
157
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:37,995
Royce between two
half-naked girls.
158
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:41,028
They're on a beach.
(scoffs)
159
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,974
Read the hashtags.
#SavingaBeachedWhale.
160
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:46,711
#SavingTheWorld.
#Peace.
161
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,107
What a weirdo!
162
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,709
Adam, you're grasping
at straws now.
163
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,741
I'm telling you,
164
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,146
I have looked in this kid's
eyes, and they are black,
165
00:06:55,149 --> 00:06:57,679
like a shark looking for dinner.
166
00:06:57,684 --> 00:07:00,754
And Katie's just
like some cute seal
167
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,954
flopping around on the beach.
with her mom telling her,
168
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,016
"Go out in the water.
Play, yeah."
169
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,926
He is gonna break her heart,
170
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,758
and I'm not gonna sit back
and watch it happen.
171
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,134
Okay but you can't
just go out on your own
172
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,472
and start cyber-stalking
a 13-year-old.
173
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,498
Oh, really?
174
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:19,103
It sounds to me like you wish
we had discussed it first.
175
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,206
Yeah.
176
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,507
Well, I knew you'd say no,
177
00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,438
and then I'd veto your no,
178
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:25,514
so I thought, hey,
why not cut out the middle man?
179
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:26,752
Yeah, it doesn't
feel good, does it?
180
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:30,477
Okay, first of all,
I am not the middle man.
181
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,854
I'm the wife.
182
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:33,786
Which means I can stay mad
183
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,517
a lot longer than you can.
184
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,757
And I have made
the unilateral decision
185
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,929
that, mm,
you need to stay out of this.
186
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,658
Well, then, I just made
the unilateral decision
187
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,803
that I'm not gonna do
what you say.
188
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,728
Yes, you will.
189
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:51,465
Whose computer is this?
190
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:52,802
ADAM:
Okay.
191
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,806
Royce should be here
any minute.
192
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,678
Mrs. Rodriguez told me
he had a dog-walking company,
193
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,237
so I booked an appointment
online to get him to come over.
194
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,646
You know, scare him a little,
195
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,807
show him the kind of dad
he'll be dealing with.
196
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,676
Didn't Andi say
to stay out of it?
197
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,215
Yeah, well, she's not in charge.
198
00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:08,050
And more importantly,
she's not here.
199
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:10,785
All right,
what do you want me to do?
200
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,261
Just back me up, all right?
201
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:14,589
Oh, you want me
to be the goon, huh?
202
00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:17,202
Don't worry. I know what to do.
203
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,757
I'm not even allowed
in Chuck E. Cheese anymore.
204
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,604
Oh, here, here, here.
205
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,604
Good morning,
Mr. Burns.
Royce.
206
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:28,566
Thanks for calling me.
You won't be sorry.
207
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:31,705
When you book me,
you'll be a 100% satisfied.
208
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:37,017
"Make the right choice.
Call Royce."
209
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,577
Is that what you tell
all the girls?
210
00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:40,786
What?
211
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:41,847
Did he stutter?!
212
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,760
Look, I actually
called you over here
213
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,760
for a confidential
conversation, man-to-man.
214
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,733
Nothing we talk about
can get back to Katie.
215
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,273
All right? You know my wife,
you know my daughter.
216
00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:58,069
Now it's time for you
to get to know me.
217
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:02,641
For instance, one of my hobbies
is I like to take walks
218
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:05,013
in the woods and
bury things in holes.
219
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,580
Sometimes I
take one thing,
220
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:12,853
cut it up, and bury it
in different holes.
221
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,787
Depends on my mood.
222
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,059
He's moody!
223
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:25,556
I guess what I really
wanted you to know is Katie
224
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:30,196
is my little girl,
so you date Katie, you date me.
225
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:34,708
You upset Katie,
you upset me.
226
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,338
Okay? Now a lot of parents
these days are hands off,
227
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:41,584
but me-- I'm more hands on.
228
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,352
You see what I'm saying?
229
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,080
He touches kids!
230
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:52,757
I think that went pretty well
with Royce this morning.
231
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,359
Yeah.
232
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:57,901
There was a few hiccups
on your end, but...
233
00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,198
I think we guaranteed
234
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:02,129
that Royce will be a perfect
gentleman on their date.
235
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,736
What's wrong with her?
236
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,011
Royce cancelled their date.
237
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,339
What?
238
00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:13,184
Uh, did he happen
to mention why?
239
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,210
No. No, he just,
he-he texted her
240
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,245
and didn't explain anything.
241
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,750
Oh, that's good.
242
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:21,793
I mean, the why
isn't really important.
243
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,918
What's important is that
we establish who's to blame,
244
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,024
and that is Royce.
245
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,956
Well, I am gonna call
Royce's mom,
246
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,801
and we are gonna get
to the bottom of this.
What? No, no, no, no.
247
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,367
You don't need to get
to the bottom of it.
248
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:36,297
Let's stay at the top.
It's nice at the top, huh?
249
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:39,943
The penthouse of life--
that's where we live.
250
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:42,740
What?
Well, I'm just saying,
you're right.
251
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,413
In fact, you're
always right.
252
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:48,651
From now on, we should
do whatever you say.
253
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:54,824
What did you do?
254
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,321
Let me tell her, please.
Let me be the one to tell her.
255
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,904
So you scared Royce
into cancelling their date?
256
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,270
I scared Royce.
257
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,839
And he cancelled their date.
258
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,337
You can't prove the connection.
259
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,740
Okay, well, good job, Adam,
260
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:16,411
because your daughter
is heartbroken.
261
00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:19,710
You did the exact thing to her
that you said Royce would do.
262
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,413
Yeah, but she thinks he did it.
263
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:26,183
So I say now we do your thing
and just stay out of it.
264
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,286
Okay?
265
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,717
I mean, we don't want
266
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:31,162
to Romeo and Juliet this sucker.
267
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:32,818
No, Adam, she blames herself.
268
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,786
She thinks there's
something wrong with her.
269
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,125
She doesn't know
that really
270
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,729
there's just something
very, very wrong with you.
271
00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,302
But I'm her hero.
272
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,931
Maybe you should take the rap
on this one.
273
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:45,736
I'm going, I'm going.
274
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:47,009
(knocking)
275
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,712
Hey, Katie.
276
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:53,338
(clicks tongue)
277
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,946
Look, honey, I know you think
this whole thing is your fault,
278
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,722
but it isn't.
279
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,291
The truth is...
280
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:04,159
(sighs)
281
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:11,427
The truth is, it's my...
feeling that it's Royce's fault.
282
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,801
I mean, between saving
whales, walking dogs,
283
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:17,201
he takes a selfie
every four seconds--
284
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:19,844
he's just too into himself.
285
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,040
How do you know
all that stuff about Royce?
286
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,812
Uh...
287
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,880
uh, that's a good question.
288
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,279
I did not see that coming. Uh...
289
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:31,781
What did you do?
290
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,885
You know,
you are really starting
291
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,947
to remind me of your mother.
292
00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:38,263
How'd it go?
293
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,758
Not good.
294
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,760
And now she knows
it's my fault.
295
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:43,932
I blew it.
You know, from now on,
296
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,930
you should just make
all the decisions.
297
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,472
Wait.
298
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:48,527
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
299
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,795
Say that into my phone.
Oh, come on.
300
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,844
Come on.
How are we gonna fix this?
301
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,440
(sighs): Well...
302
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,182
it's simple.
303
00:12:57,177 --> 00:13:00,777
We are gonna make the
decision, together...
304
00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:03,011
to go down to
the mall and...
305
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,946
bag a teenage boy
to date our daughter.
306
00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:07,489
Fine, I'll do it.
307
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,187
But I still think he's a player.
308
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,419
He's not a player.
And I have news for you,
309
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,194
you are not a player anymore,
either-- you are a dad.
310
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,564
(gasps)
311
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,562
You take that back!
Oh, come on.
312
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:20,504
Take it back.
Take it back.
No. No.
313
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,030
I'm a player.
314
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,325
Okay.
315
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,865
What's in here?
316
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,273
Okay, this is Marcy's
favorite room.
317
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,205
I'm only allowed in here
on special occasions,
318
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,810
or after a bath.
319
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:33,582
But these are
her most precious things.
320
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,550
If I'm gonna help you find
the perfect gift,
321
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:37,349
I need to understand
what makes Marcy tick.
322
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:40,290
Oh, well, that's easy--
it's Chardonnay and revenge.
323
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,587
Oh, I love those plates.
324
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,558
Whoa, whoa, we shouldn't
be on the carpet.
325
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,387
We have to leave this place
exactly as it was.
326
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:46,832
Marcy will see those footprints.
327
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,855
I came up with
this technique
328
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:52,263
to get to the M&M's
she keeps in here.
329
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:53,895
Careful.
330
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:55,370
Careful. No touching,
no touching.
331
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,898
Hey, I recognize these.
332
00:13:56,903 --> 00:13:59,273
These are Criscioni
commemorative plates.
333
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,972
There's one for each month,
and she's missing December.
334
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,235
She'll love it!
335
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,943
And I only have to buy
one plate.
336
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,875
So I'll have enough
for a dirt bike.
337
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:10,005
Okay, okay, she'll know
338
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,876
if it's a little off.
339
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,258
(gasping)
340
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:22,928
Oh.
341
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,865
Hey, sport.
(chuckles)
342
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,614
I'm friends with the mall cop.
343
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:37,939
Come on. Relax, Royce.
344
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,584
What I said this morning
was wrong.
345
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:41,580
I should have just
346
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,881
stayed out of it.
347
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,183
And I probably would have
348
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,624
if you didn't have
such ridiculous hair.
349
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:47,389
Do you even have a mirror
at home?
Oh, Adam.
350
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,517
What? What?
Adam...
351
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,221
Stay focused.
352
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,923
Okay.
353
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:53,929
(chuckles)
354
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:58,895
Bottom line, Katie likes you
and you like her,
355
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:01,099
so...
356
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,331
please take her out.
357
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,396
But you threatened
to bury me in the woods.
358
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,905
You did what?
359
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:09,167
He's paraphrasing.
360
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:10,675
That's why
I cancelled.
361
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,607
I would never come between
a father and a daughter.
362
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:16,513
Oh, God,
this kid is great.
363
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,276
Are you buying this crap?
He's playing you.
364
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,415
Stop playing us.
Adam!
365
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,319
No.
366
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,190
No. No. I know who you are.
367
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:23,918
Okay? I was a player, too.
368
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,964
And still am.
369
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,429
Okay?
Okay.
370
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,957
But I've been outvoted.
371
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,602
So here's what's
gonna happen.
372
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,997
You are gonna date my daughter,
whether you like it or not.
373
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,099
'Cause I know where you live,
I know where you work,
374
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,441
I will dig a deep hole,
and I'll...
Okay, okay,
375
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,197
okay, that's it,
that's enough, that's enough.
376
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:40,195
Now...
377
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:41,936
okay, what...
378
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:44,182
Adam is trying to say is...
379
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,207
we're just... we're really
impressed
380
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:48,612
by how mature and-and
caring you are.
381
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,015
Wrong.
382
00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:53,687
We just think you're
an incredibly nice kid.
383
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:55,547
Doubt it.
384
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:58,315
And we would be thrilled
if you dated Katie.
385
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,525
(blows raspberry)
Adam!
386
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,587
I'm gonna make you
wait in the car.
387
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:09,074
So just, don't let us
spoil this for you.
388
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:12,969
You know? So... what do you say?
389
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:14,373
Okay, we'll go on the date.
390
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,614
Oh, great!
391
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,638
Surprise!
Hi. I'm Daphne.
392
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,314
Royce's girlfriend.
393
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,552
You must be his
grandparents.
394
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:23,007
I've heard a lot about you.
395
00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:26,648
Excuse me?
396
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,453
(louder): I said,
I've heard a lot about you.
397
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:33,424
How dare you try to
date our daughter
398
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,326
when you have a girlfriend!
399
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,658
Wait, you asked
another girl out?
400
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,004
I'm out of here.
401
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,467
Listen to me, you...
402
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,643
poofy-haired little rat.
403
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,782
Get him, babe.
404
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:54,748
I know where you live,
and I know where you work,
405
00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:57,248
and if you ever come
near our daughter again,
406
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:58,280
I will come
407
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,124
to the end of your rainbow
408
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,090
and I will kick you
right in the tots.
409
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:05,159
A little free advice:
410
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:07,188
never be afraid
of the crazy one,
411
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,433
be afraid of the one
the crazy one's afraid of.
412
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,730
(chuckling)
413
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,605
(exhales):
Whew!
414
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,581
You know what?
Hmm?
415
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,049
That was fun.
416
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,048
(chuckles):
Yeah.
417
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,579
I like doing stuff with you.
418
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,353
Me, too.
419
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,222
You're a way better goon
than Don.
420
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,790
Aw.
421
00:17:35,789 --> 00:17:37,219
Mwah.
(chuckles)
422
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,623
And, uh...
423
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,185
I have to admit,
424
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,763
you were right about Royce.
425
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:45,132
Oh, wait, wait,
say that into my phone. Wait.
426
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:49,069
You're guys not
going to believe it.
427
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,369
Royce was dating some girl
from another school,
428
00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:53,101
and now she's blasting him
all over Instagram.
429
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:54,136
It's epic.
430
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:57,140
Yeah, we did that.
431
00:17:57,143 --> 00:17:58,843
What?
Yeah, yeah, we went
down to the mall
432
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,475
to talk to Royce
about your date.
433
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,410
Mm-hmm, yeah, and that's
when we met Daphne.
434
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,745
Oh, my God!
435
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:04,850
I can't believe
you guys would do that.
436
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:07,191
That's-that's my personal life.
437
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,217
Oh, Katie,
you're right,
438
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,821
we didn't respect
your boundaries.
439
00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:12,163
And we never will.
440
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,863
Yeah, it turns out
that the lesson
441
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,191
from Romeo and Juliet is that
442
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:18,456
the parents just
weren't strict enough.
443
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,325
This is the worst apology ever.
444
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,873
Oh, no, no,
it's not an apology.
445
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,838
No, no, it's a warning
to any future boy
446
00:18:23,837 --> 00:18:26,637
that tries to date you.
447
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,709
We're gonna cyber-stalk them,
and interrogate them.
448
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,638
Yeah, and let them know
that, if they date you,
449
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,683
we'll be watching.
450
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,479
But if you do that,
no one will ever want to.
451
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:37,181
Then we'll have done our job.
452
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:38,283
(sighs)
453
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,490
(chuckles)
454
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,192
(sniffs, then groans)
455
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:45,820
Oh.
(chuckles)
456
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:48,255
Mwah.
(sniffs)
457
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:51,761
You know, s-she'll make us
pay for this when we're old.
458
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,234
Yeah.
459
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,603
When the time comes,
460
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,731
that one is gonna be
quick to pull the plug.
461
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:06,806
I can't believe Marcy got you a
dirt bike for your anniversary.
462
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,783
And that she can
bring it in here,
463
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,681
but I had to leave my beer
in the hall.
464
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:13,553
(chuckles)
It was the perfect place
to hide it last night
465
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:16,493
because I knew Don wouldn't
dare come in this room.
466
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,589
If you got Marcy another
fast food gift card,
467
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,731
I suggest you ride off
on this thing right now.
468
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,787
(chuckles)
Oh, no, no,
I love my girl.
469
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,755
She's getting something
very special.
470
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,725
Here you go, baby.
Oh!
(gasps)
471
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,774
Hey, I thought
you broke those.
472
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,269
I had to buy a whole
new set. Cost a fortune.
473
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:35,272
(gasps) You got me
my missing plate!
474
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:39,335
Honey, I never knew you
even noticed my Criscionis.
475
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,945
Oh, baby, I love
your crispy ponies.
Oh.
476
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,778
Okay.
477
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,253
Aw.
(gasps)
478
00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:48,621
Now my collection
is complete.
479
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:49,851
Okay, I can't wait anymore,
480
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,416
I got to take this girl
for a spin.
481
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,259
No!
482
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:02,568
Uh... so does this mean I can
bring my beer in here now?