1
00:00:03,422 --> 00:00:05,314
Okay munchkins, family meeting.

2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,791
Daddy and I have some exciting news.

3
00:00:06,816 --> 00:00:07,494
That's right.

4
00:00:07,519 --> 00:00:09,292
So, Katie, put your phone away. Emme,

5
00:00:09,317 --> 00:00:11,109
don't pick your nose. Teddy, buddy,

6
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:12,544
stop touching yourself.

7
00:00:12,825 --> 00:00:13,578
I wasn't.

8
00:00:13,603 --> 00:00:14,886
You had both hands in your pants,

9
00:00:14,911 --> 00:00:17,412
moving around down there
like you're making origami.

10
00:00:18,989 --> 00:00:20,423
No hands in pants, all right?

11
00:00:20,425 --> 00:00:21,858
Let's make it a family motto.

12
00:00:22,575 --> 00:00:24,160
So, along with summer being over

13
00:00:24,162 --> 00:00:25,795
and school starting back up tomorrow,

14
00:00:25,797 --> 00:00:27,597
there's another change
happening in the family.

15
00:00:27,599 --> 00:00:30,233
I just got the official word and...

16
00:00:30,235 --> 00:00:31,868
I'm going back to work.

17
00:00:32,221 --> 00:00:33,183
Yay!

18
00:00:33,208 --> 00:00:35,215
- Yay!
- Yay!

19
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:36,306
What's your job?

20
00:00:36,308 --> 00:00:37,507
It's the same job I had

21
00:00:37,509 --> 00:00:38,575
before you guys were born.

22
00:00:38,577 --> 00:00:39,676
I worked at a hospital,

23
00:00:39,678 --> 00:00:41,244
checking people's blood to find out

24
00:00:41,246 --> 00:00:42,545
what's making them sick.

25
00:00:42,547 --> 00:00:43,613
So you're a doctor?

26
00:00:43,615 --> 00:00:46,116
No.

27
00:00:46,118 --> 00:00:48,551
She's not a doctor.

28
00:00:48,553 --> 00:00:51,388
But it's very important work.

29
00:00:51,390 --> 00:00:53,809
Anyway, Daddy's gonna
be taking you to school,

30
00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:54,522
picking you up,

31
00:00:54,547 --> 00:00:56,169
watching you until I get
home, stuff like that.

32
00:00:56,194 --> 00:00:58,161
Yeah, since I'm a
contractor, I'm my own boss,

33
00:00:58,163 --> 00:01:00,697
so, I can work my
schedule around you guys.

34
00:01:00,699 --> 00:01:02,065
Look, all you guys need to know is,

35
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:03,233
Daddy's in charge now.

36
00:01:03,235 --> 00:01:04,499
- That's right.
- Yeah!

37
00:01:04,524 --> 00:01:06,399
- Aw, bring it in.
- I love you, Daddy.

38
00:01:06,424 --> 00:01:08,191
Oh, you guys.

39
00:01:08,407 --> 00:01:10,040
We're gonna have so much fun.

40
00:01:10,042 --> 00:01:11,174
Can we get a puppy?

41
00:01:11,176 --> 00:01:12,375
- Sure.
- No!

42
00:01:12,377 --> 00:01:13,810
No...

43
00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:14,911
Well, which is it?

44
00:01:14,913 --> 00:01:17,213
Ask your mother. Not now.

45
00:01:17,215 --> 00:01:18,982
Do it later, when I'm not around.

46
00:01:20,419 --> 00:01:22,419
- Love you, Daddy.
- See?

47
00:01:22,421 --> 00:01:24,487
Katie thinks I'm doing great already.

48
00:01:24,489 --> 00:01:26,122
You can't trust a 13-year-old girl.

49
00:01:26,124 --> 00:01:28,091
She's all whacked out on hormones.

50
00:01:29,135 --> 00:01:30,093
Hormones?

51
00:01:30,095 --> 00:01:32,095
- Mm.
- My mom had those.

52
00:01:32,474 --> 00:01:33,468
She had to wear a patch

53
00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,993
just to keep from ripping our faces off.

54
00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:39,436
I can't believe I'm doing
this. I'm so excited.

55
00:01:40,006 --> 00:01:41,338
And guilty.

56
00:01:41,606 --> 00:01:43,273
And happy.

57
00:01:43,275 --> 00:01:44,974
And worried.

58
00:01:44,999 --> 00:01:46,450
You know, they make
a patch for that, too.

59
00:01:47,363 --> 00:01:48,302
Will you relax?

60
00:01:48,327 --> 00:01:49,662
Look, I got this.

61
00:01:49,664 --> 00:01:51,864
Me and the kids have a blast together.

62
00:01:51,866 --> 00:01:54,167
I'm Daddy fun times.

63
00:01:54,169 --> 00:01:55,457
Yeah, that's true.

64
00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:57,013
And I'll always be
home in time for dinner.

65
00:01:57,038 --> 00:01:58,338
- Yeah.
- I mean, it...

66
00:01:58,340 --> 00:02:00,173
it's not like I'm a doctor.

67
00:02:01,606 --> 00:02:02,842
Come on, honey,

68
00:02:02,844 --> 00:02:05,635
this was always the plan when
Emme started school full-time.

69
00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:06,612
Remember?

70
00:02:06,637 --> 00:02:08,706
Plus, we're gonna need the
extra money for college.

71
00:02:08,731 --> 00:02:10,390
Based on their ability
to flush a toilet,

72
00:02:10,415 --> 00:02:12,649
- I'm not seeing scholarships.
- You're right,

73
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:15,121
it's fine because you are a great dad.

74
00:02:15,123 --> 00:02:16,422
- Oh...
- And it means so much to me,

75
00:02:16,447 --> 00:02:17,447
you stepping up like this.

76
00:02:17,472 --> 00:02:20,173
- Oh, well, I'm happy to do it.
- Mmm.

77
00:02:20,706 --> 00:02:22,405
And I'm not looking
for any kind of reward.

78
00:02:22,447 --> 00:02:23,396
Unless...

79
00:02:23,398 --> 00:02:25,036
you were thinking about
something, in which case,

80
00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,799
who am I to say no?

81
00:02:27,268 --> 00:02:28,935
Don't worry. You're
gonna get your reward.

82
00:02:29,663 --> 00:02:33,264
We're talking about
the same thing, right?

83
00:02:33,289 --> 00:02:35,156
You'll find out tonight.

84
00:02:37,541 --> 00:02:39,698
Okay, just one more picture.

85
00:02:39,723 --> 00:02:40,846
Oh, hey.

86
00:02:40,871 --> 00:02:44,350
Hold Emme in your arms sideways
like a big fish you just caught.

87
00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:46,519
Mom, we're not doing that.

88
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,456
Okay, cut the cord and go to work.

89
00:02:48,481 --> 00:02:50,381
Yeah, I got to run.

90
00:02:50,688 --> 00:02:51,694
- Bye.
- I love you.

91
00:02:51,719 --> 00:02:53,052
- Love you, too.
- Love you.

92
00:02:53,077 --> 00:02:54,494
You, too.

93
00:02:55,112 --> 00:02:56,996
I am just so proud of you, sweet pea.

94
00:02:57,138 --> 00:02:59,705
You have a great first
day at school. Okay?

95
00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:01,244
Okay.

96
00:03:01,385 --> 00:03:02,584
Yeah...

97
00:03:06,162 --> 00:03:07,076
Daddy?

98
00:03:07,101 --> 00:03:08,107
Yeah, Butterbean?

99
00:03:08,109 --> 00:03:10,276
I'm worried about kindergarten.

100
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:12,948
Aw, honey.

101
00:03:12,973 --> 00:03:14,906
You should be worried.

102
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,451
Kids are mean.

103
00:03:18,453 --> 00:03:21,254
But just know if you
ever feel uncomfortable,

104
00:03:21,256 --> 00:03:22,522
you start swinging.

105
00:03:22,524 --> 00:03:23,723
Okay?

106
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:24,620
A punch in the nose

107
00:03:24,645 --> 00:03:26,178
can be a real problem solver.

108
00:03:26,494 --> 00:03:28,828
Right? All right.

109
00:03:29,364 --> 00:03:30,732
Okay, bye, Daddy.

110
00:03:30,757 --> 00:03:32,390
Bye-bye, honey.

111
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,368
Hello, kindergarten parents!

112
00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:38,383
I'm Mrs. Rodriguez, your
child's lead teacher.

113
00:03:38,408 --> 00:03:39,703
I'd like to welcome you all

114
00:03:39,728 --> 00:03:41,504
to the Kindergarten Parent Mingle.

115
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:43,971
What?

116
00:03:43,996 --> 00:03:46,299
Now, has anyone seen Mrs. Burns?

117
00:03:46,301 --> 00:03:47,567
Is Mrs. Burns here?

118
00:03:47,569 --> 00:03:49,669
Uh, you must be talking about my wife.

119
00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:51,504
I'm Adam... uh, Mr. Burns.

120
00:03:51,506 --> 00:03:52,678
Oh, great.

121
00:03:52,703 --> 00:03:54,432
Mr. Burns, your wife
graciously volunteered

122
00:03:54,457 --> 00:03:56,522
to be our room parent, so
there's just a few things...

123
00:03:56,547 --> 00:03:57,243
Uh, listen,

124
00:03:57,245 --> 00:03:58,945
she's not gonna be able to do that.

125
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,147
- See, she's decided to go back to work.
- Oh.

126
00:04:01,149 --> 00:04:02,710
Okay, so I'll just pencil you in.

127
00:04:02,735 --> 00:04:04,484
Whoa, hey, uh...

128
00:04:04,486 --> 00:04:05,635
I-I'd love to but, uh,

129
00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:06,998
I have a job, too, see,

130
00:04:07,023 --> 00:04:09,355
so please stop writing my name down.

131
00:04:09,357 --> 00:04:10,689
What a wonderful group,

132
00:04:10,714 --> 00:04:12,843
I can't wait to meet
each and every one of you!

133
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:15,165
Mr. Burns, I'd like to
see you after the mingle.

134
00:04:18,064 --> 00:04:20,789
Hey, looks like you got
stuck in here too, huh?

135
00:04:20,791 --> 00:04:21,957
I'm Adam.

136
00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:22,809
Lowell.

137
00:04:22,834 --> 00:04:24,176
- I'm a stay-at-home dad.
- Oh.

138
00:04:24,201 --> 00:04:25,961
Four years now, it
hasn't changed me at all.

139
00:04:25,963 --> 00:04:27,162
Oh, you got a little something...

140
00:04:27,164 --> 00:04:28,931
Hey!

141
00:04:28,933 --> 00:04:30,766
I'm gonna say it has changed you.

142
00:04:31,192 --> 00:04:33,001
Sorry, I'm a little revved up.

143
00:04:33,003 --> 00:04:34,503
I just can't believe
they're not introducing

144
00:04:34,505 --> 00:04:36,271
any foreign language in kindergarten.

145
00:04:36,273 --> 00:04:37,706
How can our children compete

146
00:04:37,708 --> 00:04:40,809
in a global economy without
fluency in a second language?

147
00:04:43,948 --> 00:04:45,914
You know this school is free, right?

148
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,184
Free stuff is not that great.

149
00:04:49,186 --> 00:04:50,686
Water is free,

150
00:04:50,688 --> 00:04:53,322
but beer you got to pay for. Hm?

151
00:04:53,833 --> 00:04:55,124
Beer.

152
00:04:55,531 --> 00:04:59,065
It's so great to connect
on a masculine level again.

153
00:05:04,969 --> 00:05:07,336
Where are the regular moms?

154
00:05:08,561 --> 00:05:09,507
Hey,

155
00:05:09,631 --> 00:05:10,832
I-I think I know you, right?

156
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:13,476
Didn't you sneak a flask
into the school play?

157
00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:14,676
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

158
00:05:14,678 --> 00:05:15,744
Marie Faldanado.

159
00:05:15,746 --> 00:05:17,546
- Ah.
- My kid's in Teddy's class.

160
00:05:17,548 --> 00:05:19,119
Hey, uh, did Teddy get invited

161
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,576
to Brady's birthday party?

162
00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:22,735
Because my Victor didn't
and it's happened before.

163
00:05:23,245 --> 00:05:24,891
Yeah, we had Victor
over last year, he's a...

164
00:05:24,916 --> 00:05:26,655
Oh, yeah, Victor.

165
00:05:26,657 --> 00:05:27,720
What?

166
00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:28,811
Well, he flushed a couple of

167
00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:30,460
Teddy's Hot Wheels down the toilet,

168
00:05:30,485 --> 00:05:31,415
he called my wife a hottie.

169
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,295
He was kind of a jackass.

170
00:05:33,648 --> 00:05:37,383
I can't believe you'd
call my child that word!

171
00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:41,478
Hey-hey, isn't it two words?

172
00:05:44,287 --> 00:05:45,920
It's two words, right?

173
00:05:47,282 --> 00:05:50,556
And to make up for a
lack of funding, we depend

174
00:05:50,581 --> 00:05:51,972
on parent volunteers.

175
00:05:51,997 --> 00:05:53,148
I just think of the children.

176
00:05:53,150 --> 00:05:54,850
There's not a thing
I wouldn't do for them

177
00:05:54,852 --> 00:05:56,752
and I know you feel the same way.

178
00:05:57,310 --> 00:05:59,121
No.

179
00:05:59,508 --> 00:06:01,924
But everyone else has
refused to be room parent.

180
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:04,526
Great, put me on that list.

181
00:06:05,295 --> 00:06:06,695
That's a shame.

182
00:06:07,343 --> 00:06:08,248
It would also be a shame if

183
00:06:08,273 --> 00:06:10,373
I don't teach your daughter to read.

184
00:06:12,203 --> 00:06:13,202
What are you saying?

185
00:06:13,204 --> 00:06:14,469
I said that's a shame.

186
00:06:14,471 --> 00:06:15,871
No, you said something after that.

187
00:06:15,873 --> 00:06:16,872
I don't think so.

188
00:06:16,874 --> 00:06:18,140
- Yes, you did...
- No, I didn't.

189
00:06:18,142 --> 00:06:19,074
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

190
00:06:19,076 --> 00:06:20,509
- Yes, you did...
- No, I didn't.

191
00:06:23,347 --> 00:06:24,680
- Yes, you did.
- Nope.

192
00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:30,285
Okay, I'll do it.

193
00:06:30,287 --> 00:06:31,653
Wonderful!

194
00:06:31,655 --> 00:06:33,121
Your first event is tomorrow's

195
00:06:33,123 --> 00:06:35,757
Ice Cream Sundae Fun
Day party at 11:00 a.m.

196
00:06:35,759 --> 00:06:36,873
Okay, but I mean,

197
00:06:36,898 --> 00:06:38,989
you're gonna teach Emme to read, right?

198
00:06:39,014 --> 00:06:41,181
We'll see how the party goes.

199
00:06:53,107 --> 00:06:54,248
Adam, what's up?

200
00:06:54,250 --> 00:06:55,346
Are the kids okay?

201
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:56,817
Yeah, the kids are fine.

202
00:06:56,819 --> 00:06:58,886
How come you didn't tell
me you were room mom?

203
00:06:58,888 --> 00:07:01,243
Oh, honey, I forgot.

204
00:07:01,268 --> 00:07:02,367
You forgot?

205
00:07:02,392 --> 00:07:04,487
Well guess who's room mom now? Me!

206
00:07:06,523 --> 00:07:07,694
Are you laughing at me?

207
00:07:07,696 --> 00:07:09,029
So hard.

208
00:07:09,031 --> 00:07:10,898
All right, I'm done talking to you.

209
00:07:11,559 --> 00:07:13,300
I understand. I love you.

210
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,168
I love you, too.

211
00:07:15,409 --> 00:07:16,937
Oh, poor bastard.

212
00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:20,741
You didn't hang up,
I can still hear you.

213
00:07:26,862 --> 00:07:28,817
So guys, how was school today?

214
00:07:28,841 --> 00:07:29,579
I'm hungry.

215
00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,186
- And thirsty.
- Me, too.

216
00:07:31,188 --> 00:07:34,323
Uh, I didn't... I don't have anything.

217
00:07:34,325 --> 00:07:36,992
- What?
- I've literally never been thirstier.

218
00:07:36,994 --> 00:07:40,038
Mommy had snacks and ice
cold waters every day.

219
00:07:40,063 --> 00:07:43,398
Hey, easy, it's me, Daddy fun times.

220
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,160
Huh?

221
00:07:44,185 --> 00:07:45,606
Uh, here...

222
00:07:45,853 --> 00:07:48,220
have a Listerine Strip.

223
00:07:54,211 --> 00:07:55,911
What the...

224
00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:04,774
Headphones off.

225
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:05,842
Everybody line up.

226
00:08:05,844 --> 00:08:06,843
What?

227
00:08:06,845 --> 00:08:08,445
Line up: one, two, three.

228
00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:11,147
I can't believe I have
to explain a line to you.

229
00:08:11,932 --> 00:08:14,517
Why did you just dump
all your stuff everywhere?

230
00:08:14,519 --> 00:08:15,307
We always do.

231
00:08:15,332 --> 00:08:16,386
Well, who cleans it up?

232
00:08:16,388 --> 00:08:17,299
Mommy.

233
00:08:17,324 --> 00:08:18,788
And she's not upset about that?

234
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,557
I don't know.

235
00:08:20,559 --> 00:08:21,925
Okay, well, from now on,

236
00:08:21,927 --> 00:08:23,493
you're gonna hang your backpacks up,

237
00:08:23,495 --> 00:08:24,694
and you're gonna clean up the truck

238
00:08:24,696 --> 00:08:25,695
before you get out,

239
00:08:25,697 --> 00:08:27,964
and close the door!

240
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,733
That's right.

241
00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:35,205
Any questions?

242
00:08:37,909 --> 00:08:39,943
Well, I got one.

243
00:08:39,945 --> 00:08:42,045
What the hell happened to my life?

244
00:08:42,047 --> 00:08:43,646
Ooh, Daddy said a bad word.

245
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,715
Oh sure, that you heard.

246
00:08:52,624 --> 00:08:56,893
What kind of animal puts gum
on a chair and just leaves it?

247
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:06,536
Hey.

248
00:09:06,538 --> 00:09:07,837
Hey...

249
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:08,774
Where are the kids?

250
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:10,173
Upstairs, washing up for dinner.

251
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,274
How was your day?

252
00:09:11,276 --> 00:09:12,842
It was incredible.

253
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,477
All right, I mean,
first I was freaking out

254
00:09:14,479 --> 00:09:16,312
because I'd been home
with the kids for so long,

255
00:09:16,314 --> 00:09:18,681
- you know, but I fit right in.
- Good.

256
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,683
I mean, I did try to cut the
crust off somebody's sandwich

257
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:21,718
at lunch, but other than that,

258
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,759
it was amazing

259
00:09:23,784 --> 00:09:25,216
and it wouldn't have been possible

260
00:09:25,241 --> 00:09:26,389
- if it weren't for you.
- Oh.

261
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,672
Thank you.

262
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:29,726
Oh, that's great.

263
00:09:29,728 --> 00:09:31,461
You're welcome.

264
00:09:31,463 --> 00:09:32,595
I want out.

265
00:09:32,597 --> 00:09:34,589
What? What happened?

266
00:09:34,614 --> 00:09:37,000
It was awful. Those
are not the same kids

267
00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:38,902
I used to see when I came home at night.

268
00:09:38,904 --> 00:09:41,072
Those kids smelled good
and were delightful.

269
00:09:41,097 --> 00:09:41,674
Well yeah,

270
00:09:41,699 --> 00:09:43,506
it took me all day to get 'em that way.

271
00:09:43,508 --> 00:09:45,112
You were just getting the greatest hits.

272
00:09:45,137 --> 00:09:46,876
Yeah. Now it's the deep cuts.

273
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:50,296
The... the drum solos, the
bass player sings a song.

274
00:09:50,321 --> 00:09:52,299
They didn't even clean
up after themselves.

275
00:09:52,324 --> 00:09:55,392
It's like living with
three tiny truckers.

276
00:09:55,987 --> 00:09:57,187
Look, honey,

277
00:09:57,189 --> 00:09:58,688
I understand you had a tough day,

278
00:09:58,690 --> 00:09:59,856
I do. I do.

279
00:09:59,858 --> 00:10:02,625
But the thing you need to remember is:

280
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,026
you already got your reward,

281
00:10:04,051 --> 00:10:06,085
so, no takey-backsies.

282
00:10:07,332 --> 00:10:10,400
I'm just not all-the-time guy, okay?

283
00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:12,268
I'm Daddy fun times!

284
00:10:12,558 --> 00:10:14,804
I'm... I'm like Johnny Cash.

285
00:10:14,806 --> 00:10:15,522
Okay?

286
00:10:15,547 --> 00:10:17,574
I fly in, I play the prison,

287
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:18,808
everybody loves me,

288
00:10:18,810 --> 00:10:19,943
and then I'm out of there.

289
00:10:19,945 --> 00:10:21,411
I don't want to be the warden.

290
00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:23,246
Well, I don't want to
be the warden, either.

291
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,919
I mean, it's not like
I'm so great at it.

292
00:10:24,944 --> 00:10:26,716
No kidding. Teddy?

293
00:10:26,718 --> 00:10:29,619
He has his hands in
his pants all the time.

294
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:33,556
He opens doors with his shoulders.

295
00:10:33,935 --> 00:10:35,225
Well, I think we're better off

296
00:10:35,227 --> 00:10:37,427
with him not touching doorknobs.

297
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,628
Yeah, look, all I know is

298
00:10:38,630 --> 00:10:41,698
I gave you three perfect babies.

299
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:43,233
And as far as I can tell,

300
00:10:43,235 --> 00:10:45,268
you ruined 'em.

301
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,103
Whoa there, Johnny Cash,

302
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,368
I think you mean we ruined 'em.

303
00:10:49,393 --> 00:10:51,341
Uh-uh, no, no, no, for 13 years,

304
00:10:51,343 --> 00:10:53,376
you have been in the driver's seat.

305
00:10:53,378 --> 00:10:55,071
I was just riding shotgun.

306
00:10:55,096 --> 00:10:57,380
Well, it doesn't matter
who was driving before,

307
00:10:57,382 --> 00:10:59,282
because you're behind the wheel now.

308
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,383
- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

309
00:11:00,385 --> 00:11:01,440
Well, then, guess what,

310
00:11:01,465 --> 00:11:03,152
I'm taking my hands off the wheel,

311
00:11:03,154 --> 00:11:04,721
I'm opening the car door,

312
00:11:04,723 --> 00:11:06,266
and I'm rolling out.

313
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:09,260
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm
rolling out the other side.

314
00:11:09,285 --> 00:11:10,745
Then I'll see you in the gutter.

315
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:13,203
It's where I found you.

316
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,933
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, cuties. How was your day?

317
00:11:17,712 --> 00:11:19,202
We don't want Daddy to
stay at home anymore.

318
00:11:19,204 --> 00:11:20,068
Oh...

319
00:11:20,093 --> 00:11:21,771
We had to line up,

320
00:11:21,773 --> 00:11:23,940
in a line.

321
00:11:24,714 --> 00:11:27,382
So we were wondering if you could...

322
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:30,280
you know, stop going to your job.

323
00:11:31,495 --> 00:11:35,351
Sometimes the wisest
words come from children.

324
00:11:35,865 --> 00:11:38,554
Well, you guys were
okay with it yesterday.

325
00:11:38,556 --> 00:11:40,590
Our snack was Listerine strips.

326
00:11:43,873 --> 00:11:45,795
Okay, just let me talk to Daddy.

327
00:11:45,797 --> 00:11:47,939
- That means yes!
- Oh, really? Yes!

328
00:11:47,964 --> 00:11:49,897
- Thank you.
- Thank you.

329
00:11:51,613 --> 00:11:53,096
How's this supposed to work?

330
00:11:53,121 --> 00:11:54,461
I mean, I'm not quitting my job.

331
00:11:54,486 --> 00:11:56,583
So what, I'm just supposed
to do everything myself?

332
00:11:56,608 --> 00:12:00,109
Well, sounds like a plan
that makes everybody happy.

333
00:12:00,384 --> 00:12:03,152
You know what? You
can be a real jackass.

334
00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:06,916
Maybe it is one word.

335
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:14,829
- Morning, everyone.
- Good morning, Mom.

336
00:12:14,854 --> 00:12:15,987
- Morning, Mom.
- Morning, Mom.

337
00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:17,433
You okay?

338
00:12:17,465 --> 00:12:19,331
Yeah, yeah, I'm great.

339
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,233
I, uh, got up at 5:00 this morning,

340
00:12:21,235 --> 00:12:23,537
and I-I figured out an
after-school schedule,

341
00:12:23,562 --> 00:12:26,171
a couple carpools, couple play dates.

342
00:12:26,173 --> 00:12:28,907
Now I just have to do morning
drop-off a little early

343
00:12:28,909 --> 00:12:30,476
so I can get to work on time.

344
00:12:30,478 --> 00:12:32,311
I got this.

345
00:12:32,313 --> 00:12:34,913
Are you coming to Ice
Cream Sundae Fun Day?

346
00:12:34,915 --> 00:12:36,949
That's today?

347
00:12:37,872 --> 00:12:39,685
Um... yeah, you know,

348
00:12:39,687 --> 00:12:41,958
I-I-could just... I can ask my boss

349
00:12:41,983 --> 00:12:46,308
if-if-if-if I can miss,
uh, my second day, uh...

350
00:12:47,952 --> 00:12:49,267
Oh, jeez.

351
00:12:49,292 --> 00:12:52,064
Mommy's having a little
trouble breathing.

352
00:12:52,066 --> 00:12:53,932
Okay, kids, your mom and
I need to have a talk,

353
00:12:53,934 --> 00:12:56,301
so, uh...

354
00:12:56,724 --> 00:12:58,871
get in the pantry.

355
00:12:58,873 --> 00:13:00,739
Come on, take your cereal with you.

356
00:13:00,741 --> 00:13:02,775
This is why these
open-floor plans don't work.

357
00:13:02,777 --> 00:13:05,277
There's no place to have
a private conversation.

358
00:13:05,279 --> 00:13:08,180
Teddy, one hand on the
bowl, one hand on the spoon.

359
00:13:11,185 --> 00:13:12,634
Okay, I don't think this is working.

360
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:13,845
I don't want to quit my job.

361
00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:15,290
Yeah, well, you shouldn't have to, okay?

362
00:13:15,448 --> 00:13:17,089
This is important to you,

363
00:13:17,091 --> 00:13:18,357
and I am not gonna stand by

364
00:13:18,359 --> 00:13:19,758
and let you be treated like this.

365
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,359
Why are you yelling
my side of the fight?

366
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,718
I don't know. I feel bad.

367
00:13:23,831 --> 00:13:25,230
I don't like it. It
makes me want to yell.

368
00:13:25,232 --> 00:13:27,266
Well, I feel bad, too. I mean,

369
00:13:27,268 --> 00:13:29,508
I don't want to turn
everything upside-down.

370
00:13:29,578 --> 00:13:30,636
All right, look, we don't have time

371
00:13:30,638 --> 00:13:33,605
to figure this whole
thing out now, okay?

372
00:13:33,607 --> 00:13:36,542
I'll take the kids to school,
I'll do Sunday Dumb Day,

373
00:13:36,544 --> 00:13:38,634
but just for today. Okay?

374
00:13:38,659 --> 00:13:40,712
We need to find a solution
that makes you happy,

375
00:13:40,714 --> 00:13:44,005
and me happy, and the
kids happy, and me happy.

376
00:13:44,396 --> 00:13:45,917
Okay, I get it. You want out.

377
00:13:45,919 --> 00:13:47,563
But look, the most important thing

378
00:13:47,588 --> 00:13:48,705
is that the kids are taken care of.

379
00:13:48,730 --> 00:13:50,096
That's right, we're all about the kids.

380
00:13:50,578 --> 00:13:53,158
All right, I gotta go. Bye.

381
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,527
You left something.

382
00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,266
Forgot my phone.

383
00:14:04,114 --> 00:14:05,317
Adam!

384
00:14:07,276 --> 00:14:09,543
I know, I know.

385
00:14:09,780 --> 00:14:12,514
Can't go anywhere without these.

386
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:19,284
Hey.

387
00:14:19,286 --> 00:14:20,526
Hey.

388
00:14:20,551 --> 00:14:23,018
I volunteered to be
your assistant today.

389
00:14:23,043 --> 00:14:24,462
I'm finding myself very drawn

390
00:14:24,487 --> 00:14:27,155
to your alpha-male energy.

391
00:14:27,578 --> 00:14:29,495
Don't say stuff like that, Lowell.

392
00:14:29,497 --> 00:14:31,196
It's weird.

393
00:14:31,533 --> 00:14:33,867
Such an alpha.

394
00:14:35,736 --> 00:14:38,470
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Marie.

395
00:14:38,472 --> 00:14:40,331
Look, I'm sorry for
what I said yesterday

396
00:14:40,356 --> 00:14:41,176
about Victor. I...

397
00:14:41,201 --> 00:14:42,541
Actually, it made me think.

398
00:14:42,543 --> 00:14:44,599
He has hit a rough patch.

399
00:14:44,624 --> 00:14:45,777
I'm a single mom.

400
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:46,350
Maybe...

401
00:14:46,375 --> 00:14:48,709
- Victor could use a male role model.
- Oh.

402
00:14:48,734 --> 00:14:50,634
Maybe next weekend you
could take him camping?

403
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:53,752
Oh, uh, I...

404
00:14:53,754 --> 00:14:56,421
Gotcha. You were sweating.

405
00:14:56,423 --> 00:14:57,489
Oh...

406
00:14:57,491 --> 00:14:58,757
He was sweating? I was sweating

407
00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:00,492
because he's my role model.

408
00:15:03,063 --> 00:15:04,730
- Andi.
- Hey, guys.

409
00:15:04,732 --> 00:15:06,212
- Hey.
- Hey.

410
00:15:06,237 --> 00:15:08,734
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, uh, took an early lunch.

411
00:15:08,736 --> 00:15:10,035
I thought you might need some help.

412
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:12,204
What, are you checking up on me?

413
00:15:12,206 --> 00:15:14,473
Well, you did leave
the kids in the pantry.

414
00:15:14,475 --> 00:15:16,479
You put your children in the pantry?

415
00:15:16,504 --> 00:15:18,277
You know, Victor could
use a little pantry time.

416
00:15:18,279 --> 00:15:20,646
Go scoop something.

417
00:15:21,201 --> 00:15:22,488
What's going on?

418
00:15:22,513 --> 00:15:24,716
I was just thinking about
what you're going through,

419
00:15:24,718 --> 00:15:26,051
and, you know, maybe you're right.

420
00:15:26,053 --> 00:15:27,786
Maybe you're just not cut out for this.

421
00:15:27,788 --> 00:15:29,388
Not cut out for this?

422
00:15:29,390 --> 00:15:30,856
That's what I say when I fire people

423
00:15:30,858 --> 00:15:33,385
Are y... are you trying to fire me?

424
00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:35,827
Well, let me tell you
something, love of my life.

425
00:15:35,829 --> 00:15:37,196
I don't get fired, okay?

426
00:15:37,198 --> 00:15:40,032
I have a 99% customer satisfaction rate.

427
00:15:40,034 --> 00:15:41,600
I have a plaque from the county,

428
00:15:41,602 --> 00:15:43,735
which I said we should hang in the den,

429
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:46,672
and you never did, and
now nobody can find it.

430
00:15:46,697 --> 00:15:48,321
Okay, well, there's a big difference

431
00:15:48,346 --> 00:15:50,409
between building
houses and raising kids.

432
00:15:50,411 --> 00:15:51,944
Not true. Not true at all.

433
00:15:51,946 --> 00:15:53,946
They both need a solid foundation.

434
00:15:53,948 --> 00:15:56,748
That's right, didn't see
that coming, did you, huh?

435
00:15:56,750 --> 00:15:59,918
Look, all I know is I
can take care of our kids.

436
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,770
Didn't see that coming either, did you?

437
00:16:02,090 --> 00:16:03,589
Well, great.

438
00:16:03,591 --> 00:16:05,726
Do you have a plan to
get the kids in line?

439
00:16:05,751 --> 00:16:07,784
Yes, I do.

440
00:16:10,454 --> 00:16:12,547
But it's a secret.

441
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,633
- So...
- Great.

442
00:16:14,635 --> 00:16:16,568
Can't wait to see it.

443
00:16:17,162 --> 00:16:19,081
- Good luck.
- Good luck?

444
00:16:19,106 --> 00:16:21,173
That's the other thing
I say when I fire people.

445
00:16:21,818 --> 00:16:23,075
Good luck!

446
00:16:23,077 --> 00:16:25,844
I don't need luck. I need help.

447
00:16:27,525 --> 00:16:29,218
I can't believe I'm about to say this,

448
00:16:29,243 --> 00:16:32,082
but, Lowell, what do
you think I should do?

449
00:16:32,107 --> 00:16:34,052
Well, I managed to get my girls addicted

450
00:16:34,054 --> 00:16:37,055
to lottery scratchers,
and I simply withhold them

451
00:16:37,057 --> 00:16:39,024
when they don't do what I say.

452
00:16:44,111 --> 00:16:45,664
Well, first of all, good luck

453
00:16:45,666 --> 00:16:48,734
with your future exotic dancers.

454
00:16:48,736 --> 00:16:51,069
Plus, I don't have time to get
my kids addicted to something,

455
00:16:51,071 --> 00:16:53,686
and then take it away,
I need a solution now.

456
00:16:53,711 --> 00:16:55,507
Oh, my God.

457
00:16:55,509 --> 00:16:57,309
My iPad is at one percent. What do I do?

458
00:16:57,311 --> 00:17:00,212
- Kill your apps.
- Dad, give me your phone.

459
00:17:00,214 --> 00:17:01,768
I just need a little something
to get me to the house.

460
00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:06,962
Relax. It's like you guys
are addict... ed to those.

461
00:17:09,857 --> 00:17:12,791
My little junkies.

462
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,774
And... panic.

463
00:17:25,593 --> 00:17:26,706
We can't get online!

464
00:17:26,708 --> 00:17:28,507
Nothing works. W-what's happening?

465
00:17:28,509 --> 00:17:30,509
Is it the Wi-Fi? Is the Wi-Fi out?

466
00:17:30,893 --> 00:17:32,945
No, it's not out.

467
00:17:32,947 --> 00:17:36,315
I just installed a
rolling Wi-Fi password.

468
00:17:36,617 --> 00:17:39,285
Every day, the password will change.

469
00:17:39,287 --> 00:17:43,199
And until your chores get
done, you won't get your fix...

470
00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:45,440
the new password.

471
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,386
So pick your clothes up off the floor,

472
00:17:47,411 --> 00:17:50,293
put your backpacks where they belong,

473
00:17:50,318 --> 00:17:53,599
and keep your hands out of your pants!

474
00:17:53,601 --> 00:17:55,534
Oh, my God, you've gone crazy!

475
00:17:55,536 --> 00:17:56,969
At least ease us in.

476
00:17:56,971 --> 00:17:58,967
Maybe today is just explaining it,

477
00:17:58,992 --> 00:18:00,640
and then tomorrow...

478
00:18:00,642 --> 00:18:02,341
I know you're mad at
me, but you know what?

479
00:18:02,343 --> 00:18:04,746
That's okay. Because
I'm not your friend.

480
00:18:05,249 --> 00:18:06,648
I'm your father.

481
00:18:07,097 --> 00:18:08,948
I'm the warden.

482
00:18:08,973 --> 00:18:12,107
And it's my job to rehabilitate you.

483
00:18:12,147 --> 00:18:15,448
Now, my chores are done,
so I have the password.

484
00:18:15,990 --> 00:18:19,692
If you'll excuse me...
I have candy to crush.

485
00:18:26,741 --> 00:18:28,367
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.

486
00:18:28,369 --> 00:18:30,303
Wow, it's so clean.

487
00:18:30,305 --> 00:18:31,637
And quiet.

488
00:18:32,451 --> 00:18:34,907
Did you put the kids
in the pantry again?

489
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,779
No. It's clean and quiet
because... Daddy won.

490
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,464
That's right. And I didn't yell at them.

491
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:46,024
I outwitted 'em. Like the Roadrunner.

492
00:18:47,476 --> 00:18:48,921
Ooh...

493
00:18:48,923 --> 00:18:50,423
Oh...

494
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,259
Thank you.

495
00:18:53,370 --> 00:18:55,804
Look...

496
00:18:56,173 --> 00:18:58,931
I love you, and I
want to do this for you

497
00:18:58,933 --> 00:19:00,433
because you deserve it.

498
00:19:00,435 --> 00:19:02,501
And now, I know I can.

499
00:19:02,503 --> 00:19:04,904
So don't worry about the kids.

500
00:19:04,906 --> 00:19:06,449
I got it.

501
00:19:07,002 --> 00:19:08,917
Wow.

502
00:19:08,942 --> 00:19:10,670
I think this might
be the most attractive

503
00:19:10,695 --> 00:19:12,361
you have ever been.

504
00:19:13,009 --> 00:19:14,350
I agree.

505
00:19:16,543 --> 00:19:19,160
So I guess me coming
to school was worth it.

506
00:19:20,043 --> 00:19:21,949
- What?
- What?

507
00:19:33,835 --> 00:19:36,102
Wait a minute.

508
00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:44,844
So you came down to the school...

509
00:19:44,846 --> 00:19:47,613
and you said all that stuff...

510
00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:50,163
so that I would...

511
00:19:50,807 --> 00:19:52,540
to get me to...

512
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:56,989
No. I had it and I lost it.

513
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,425
It's too complicated.

514
00:19:59,427 --> 00:20:01,127
Eh, drink your beer, Roadrunner.

515
00:20:01,129 --> 00:20:02,728
Yeah.

516
00:20:07,694 --> 00:20:09,827
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, guys.

517
00:20:10,448 --> 00:20:12,163
- Uh, Dad?
- Yeah?

518
00:20:13,558 --> 00:20:15,500
We just wanted to say we were sorry.

519
00:20:16,190 --> 00:20:17,795
We were super inconsiderate.

520
00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:18,769
And spoiled.

521
00:20:18,794 --> 00:20:21,595
You're then best Daddy in the world.

522
00:20:26,075 --> 00:20:28,873
Aw, I love you guys. Bring it in.

523
00:20:28,898 --> 00:20:31,675
Come on.

524
00:20:31,828 --> 00:20:32,827
Mm.

525
00:20:33,487 --> 00:20:35,947
Daddy, can we have a puppy?

526
00:20:36,182 --> 00:20:39,392
Oh, sweetheart, you know we can't.

527
00:20:39,417 --> 00:20:42,329
Well, maybe we should
think about a puppy.

528
00:20:42,354 --> 00:20:44,565
- Really. Mom?
- Mom, are you serious?

529
00:20:48,578 --> 00:20:50,360
What happened here?

530
00:20:50,362 --> 00:20:52,763
Everybody loves Johnny Cash.

531
00:20:54,599 --> 00:20:59,599
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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