1
00:00:04,875 --> 00:00:07,884
So, you guys have a big
anniversary coming up, huh?

2
00:00:07,909 --> 00:00:09,517
Yup. 20 years.

3
00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:10,946
- 20 years with Don.
- Yeah.

4
00:00:10,948 --> 00:00:13,415
That is hard time.

5
00:00:13,628 --> 00:00:14,928
You know, you might want

6
00:00:14,953 --> 00:00:16,652
to get her something more romantic

7
00:00:16,654 --> 00:00:19,488
than last year's Chipotle gift card.

8
00:00:19,490 --> 00:00:22,058
It was $19... a dollar a year.

9
00:00:23,237 --> 00:00:25,228
It's not about how much he spends on me.

10
00:00:25,230 --> 00:00:26,346
That's my girl.

11
00:00:26,371 --> 00:00:27,907
It's about finding a
gift that's thoughtful,

12
00:00:27,932 --> 00:00:29,765
meaningful, that shows
how well he knows me.

13
00:00:29,767 --> 00:00:32,610
Oh, so you want disappointment
for your anniversary.

14
00:00:33,961 --> 00:00:34,570
Hey.

15
00:00:34,572 --> 00:00:36,274
Mom, can we go to the mall tomorrow?

16
00:00:36,299 --> 00:00:38,541
I found the perfect
outfit for Saturday night.

17
00:00:38,543 --> 00:00:40,176
Oh, what's, uh... what's Saturday night?

18
00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:41,082
My first date.

19
00:00:41,473 --> 00:00:42,285
What?

20
00:00:44,053 --> 00:00:45,281
Um, actually, honey,

21
00:00:45,283 --> 00:00:48,506
I-I haven't really discussed
that with your dad, yet.

22
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:51,053
Oh.

23
00:00:51,223 --> 00:00:53,424
Just remember, Daddy, you're my hero.

24
00:00:55,684 --> 00:00:57,093
Buckle up, baby.

25
00:00:58,670 --> 00:01:00,223
Katie has a date Saturday night?

26
00:01:00,248 --> 00:01:02,041
When were you planning
on telling me about this?

27
00:01:02,359 --> 00:01:04,367
Sunday morning.

28
00:01:04,851 --> 00:01:08,181
We agreed she was not
gonna date until she's 35.

29
00:01:08,655 --> 00:01:12,541
No, you just said that one
day after we watched Teen Mom.

30
00:01:13,618 --> 00:01:15,187
She's almost 14. Most of her friends

31
00:01:15,212 --> 00:01:16,450
have been dating for months.

32
00:01:16,475 --> 00:01:17,590
This is when it starts.

33
00:01:17,615 --> 00:01:19,823
I was 13 when I first went out with Don.

34
00:01:19,848 --> 00:01:20,917
- Mm-hmm. 
- You hear that?

35
00:01:20,919 --> 00:01:23,486
Marcy could have been somebody.

36
00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:27,688
Come on, it's not like I'm
making her a child bride.

37
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:31,687
She's just going out with that
nice boy from her class... Royce.

38
00:01:32,101 --> 00:01:36,290
Royce? Royce... with all the
hair and the wallet on a chain?

39
00:01:36,315 --> 00:01:39,468
What's a 13-year-old kid
need a wallet for anyway?

40
00:01:39,470 --> 00:01:40,236
Condoms.

41
00:01:40,238 --> 00:01:41,971
Don!

42
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:43,624
No, he's right.

43
00:01:43,649 --> 00:01:45,072
You know, I've seen
that Royce kid around.

44
00:01:45,097 --> 00:01:46,442
He's a player.

45
00:01:46,444 --> 00:01:47,910
And you know this because?

46
00:01:47,912 --> 00:01:50,346
Andi. Who are you talking to?

47
00:01:50,348 --> 00:01:51,580
Huh?

48
00:01:51,582 --> 00:01:54,125
I was 14 once. I know the game.

49
00:01:54,150 --> 00:01:56,431
Right? You give the gals
a little bit of this,

50
00:01:56,456 --> 00:01:58,122
a little bit of that,

51
00:01:58,147 --> 00:02:00,198
and all the red lights turn green!

52
00:02:01,213 --> 00:02:03,212
Oh, my God.

53
00:02:03,237 --> 00:02:03,935
Trust me.

54
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,734
I can spot my own kind.

55
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,097
- Yeah, we players know players. 
- Mm-hmm.

56
00:02:08,099 --> 00:02:10,766
Well, look, you're being
protective, all right?

57
00:02:10,768 --> 00:02:13,102
And-and I love that about
you, but we both know

58
00:02:13,104 --> 00:02:15,538
that you are not gonna
like anyone she dates.

59
00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:17,373
No. No, that's not it.

60
00:02:17,375 --> 00:02:20,209
My instincts are telling
me that this kid is no good.

61
00:02:20,211 --> 00:02:21,844
And I don't want Katie dating him.

62
00:02:22,158 --> 00:02:23,958
Okay, well, I already
told her that she could.

63
00:02:24,002 --> 00:02:26,402
If it makes you feel
any better, I-I can...

64
00:02:26,427 --> 00:02:29,318
I can do a little of this. Huh?

65
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,921
And a little bit of that.

66
00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:43,341
That's not how you do it.

67
00:02:44,743 --> 00:02:46,977
Okay, and you can't just
make a unilateral decision.

68
00:02:47,002 --> 00:02:49,138
We discuss things in this family.

69
00:02:49,163 --> 00:02:53,111
Well, yes, usually, but, you
know, I knew you'd say no,

70
00:02:53,136 --> 00:02:55,677
and then, I'd veto your no,
so then I just thought, hey,

71
00:02:55,702 --> 00:02:58,514
why not just cut out the middle man?

72
00:02:59,563 --> 00:03:01,095
Okay, well, first of all

73
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,418
I'm not the middle man.

74
00:03:03,447 --> 00:03:04,353
Okay?

75
00:03:04,378 --> 00:03:06,145
I am the man.

76
00:03:07,058 --> 00:03:08,874
And second of all, if
you're going to unilaterally

77
00:03:08,899 --> 00:03:11,567
decide she can go, then
I'm going to unilaterally

78
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:12,958
decide that your decision

79
00:03:12,983 --> 00:03:15,308
is caca.

80
00:03:15,627 --> 00:03:17,571
Oh, don't you remember Romeo and Juliet?

81
00:03:17,596 --> 00:03:19,445
If you don't give your
daughter the freedom to date

82
00:03:19,470 --> 00:03:21,868
who she wants, it does not end well.

83
00:03:21,893 --> 00:03:24,173
Oh. Well, don't you
remember those Taken movies?

84
00:03:24,175 --> 00:03:26,242
That's what happens when you
give your daughter freedom.

85
00:03:26,244 --> 00:03:30,046
Taken, Andi. One, two,
three times they get taken.

86
00:03:45,523 --> 00:03:47,056
Mwah. Okay, bye, guys. In you go.

87
00:03:47,058 --> 00:03:47,712
Bye, Daddy.

88
00:03:47,736 --> 00:03:49,059
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye-bye.

89
00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:50,593
Hey, Royce.

90
00:03:50,595 --> 00:03:52,228
What's up, girl?

91
00:03:54,414 --> 00:03:56,198
You see that? He called her "girl."

92
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,034
She has a name, Royce!

93
00:03:58,036 --> 00:04:00,305
Yeah, it's Kate. Sometimes Katie.

94
00:04:00,330 --> 00:04:03,439
- Ah, guys like that never listen to me.
- Yeah.

95
00:04:03,441 --> 00:04:05,446
- Hey, uh, Mrs. Rodriguez?
- Mm?

96
00:04:05,471 --> 00:04:07,528
Um, what do you know
about that kid Royce

97
00:04:07,553 --> 00:04:08,750
that's always hanging around Katie?

98
00:04:08,775 --> 00:04:10,179
Oh, he's one of my favorites.

99
00:04:10,181 --> 00:04:11,180
He's an honor roll student,

100
00:04:11,182 --> 00:04:12,915
started his own dog-walking company,

101
00:04:12,917 --> 00:04:14,586
even works weekends at the mall.

102
00:04:14,611 --> 00:04:17,149
Oh, I see, huh? He
charmed you, too, huh?

103
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,288
What'd he do, give you
a little bit of this

104
00:04:19,290 --> 00:04:21,057
little bit of that?

105
00:04:21,059 --> 00:04:22,325
Stop that. What is that?

106
00:04:23,754 --> 00:04:25,610
There's children here, for God sakes.

107
00:04:26,837 --> 00:04:28,397
I'm telling you, I have got

108
00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:31,000
a gut feeling that this kid
is no good. I just need proof.

109
00:04:31,002 --> 00:04:32,268
So what's the plan, chief?

110
00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:35,404
Well, first, keep calling
me "chief." I like that.

111
00:04:35,406 --> 00:04:36,973
Ooh, okay.

112
00:04:36,975 --> 00:04:38,808
These kids put everything
they do on the Internet.

113
00:04:38,810 --> 00:04:41,344
- Maybe we can find something on him there.
- Oh, I'm your man.

114
00:04:41,346 --> 00:04:43,846
If there is dirty laundry about
Royce online, I'll find it.

115
00:04:43,871 --> 00:04:44,953
I'm like Russia,

116
00:04:44,977 --> 00:04:47,656
- but with the easy grace of France.
- Oh.

117
00:04:48,195 --> 00:04:50,119
Well, I'm like America,
so let's go get a burger

118
00:04:50,121 --> 00:04:52,187
and stick our noses
where they don't belong.

119
00:04:54,841 --> 00:04:55,667
Okay.

120
00:04:55,692 --> 00:04:59,328
I managed to uncover Royce's
public Instagram page.

121
00:04:59,579 --> 00:05:01,516
Lowell, I could have done that.

122
00:05:02,424 --> 00:05:04,422
But then we wouldn't be
on this buddy adventure.

123
00:05:07,122 --> 00:05:08,699
Oh, look at this.

124
00:05:08,724 --> 00:05:10,619
Every picture, he's
with a different girl.

125
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,404
I knew Royce was a dog. I
got to show this to Andi.

126
00:05:13,429 --> 00:05:15,662
Oh, that's my comput... okay, it's fine!

127
00:05:25,204 --> 00:05:28,438
You know, I just realized
we've never been alone together.

128
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:30,647
You're an odd bird, aren't you?

129
00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:34,383
I have feelings, if that's
what you're getting at.

130
00:05:34,738 --> 00:05:38,701
Great, because I have a question
for somebody who has feelings.

131
00:05:38,703 --> 00:05:41,671
My anniversary is coming up, and
I have a gift in mind for Marcy.

132
00:05:41,977 --> 00:05:42,922
Let me run it by you.

133
00:05:42,947 --> 00:05:44,640
Oh, I'm great at
finding the perfect gift.

134
00:05:44,642 --> 00:05:45,775
Hit me with it.

135
00:05:45,777 --> 00:05:47,510
A dirt bike.

136
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:50,179
Why would you get Marcy a dirt bike?

137
00:05:50,181 --> 00:05:53,416
Ah. Because secretly,
I want a dirt bike.

138
00:05:54,151 --> 00:05:55,525
Do you see where I'm going with this?

139
00:05:55,550 --> 00:05:56,996
- Uh-huh, uh huh. 
- Ah?

140
00:05:57,021 --> 00:06:00,990
Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?

141
00:06:00,992 --> 00:06:02,435
I don't wear much jewelry.

142
00:06:02,870 --> 00:06:03,870
For Marcy!

143
00:06:03,895 --> 00:06:05,830
- Oh. 
- Let-Let's think about her.

144
00:06:05,855 --> 00:06:07,522
What does Marcy mean to you?

145
00:06:07,799 --> 00:06:10,566
She's the mother of my son
and the love of my life.

146
00:06:10,568 --> 00:06:12,968
Good! And when you
think of her, you feel?

147
00:06:13,421 --> 00:06:14,770
Guilty.

148
00:06:15,546 --> 00:06:16,811
Something nice.

149
00:06:17,163 --> 00:06:18,340
Horny?

150
00:06:18,342 --> 00:06:19,642
Dear God.

151
00:06:19,644 --> 00:06:21,243
What other feelings are there?

152
00:06:22,818 --> 00:06:25,047
Nope. That's all of them.

153
00:06:27,107 --> 00:06:28,640
Whose computer is this?

154
00:06:28,665 --> 00:06:30,653
Will you pay attention?

155
00:06:31,372 --> 00:06:33,489
Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.

156
00:06:33,491 --> 00:06:36,345
Royce, girl. Royce, two girls.

157
00:06:36,370 --> 00:06:39,128
Royce between two half-naked girls.

158
00:06:39,430 --> 00:06:42,164
They're on a beach.

159
00:06:42,166 --> 00:06:45,259
Read the hashtags. #SavingaBeachedWhale.

160
00:06:45,284 --> 00:06:47,978
♪ SavingTheWorld. ♪Peace.

161
00:06:48,003 --> 00:06:50,183
What a weirdo!

162
00:06:50,215 --> 00:06:52,747
Adam, you're grasping at straws now.

163
00:06:52,772 --> 00:06:53,771
I'm telling you,

164
00:06:53,796 --> 00:06:56,322
I have looked in this kid's
eyes, and they are black,

165
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,848
like a shark looking for dinner.

166
00:06:59,698 --> 00:07:01,717
And Katie's just like some cute seal

167
00:07:01,719 --> 00:07:03,986
flopping around on the beach.
with her mom telling her,

168
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:07,123
"Go out in the water. Play, yeah."

169
00:07:07,125 --> 00:07:08,958
He is gonna break her heart,

170
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,139
and I'm not gonna sit
back and watch it happen.

171
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,078
Okay but you can't
just go out on your own

172
00:07:13,103 --> 00:07:15,552
and start cyber-stalking a 13-year-old.

173
00:07:16,184 --> 00:07:17,310
Oh, really?

174
00:07:18,410 --> 00:07:20,202
It sounds to me like you wish
we had discussed it first.

175
00:07:20,204 --> 00:07:21,303
Yeah.

176
00:07:21,521 --> 00:07:22,848
Well, I knew you'd say no,

177
00:07:22,873 --> 00:07:24,306
and then I'd veto your no,

178
00:07:24,746 --> 00:07:26,352
so I thought, hey, why
not cut out the middle man?

179
00:07:26,377 --> 00:07:27,810
Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?

180
00:07:28,718 --> 00:07:31,380
Okay, first of all, I
am not the middle man.

181
00:07:31,757 --> 00:07:33,082
I'm the wife.

182
00:07:33,807 --> 00:07:34,884
Which means I can stay mad

183
00:07:34,886 --> 00:07:36,552
a lot longer than you can.

184
00:07:37,466 --> 00:07:39,588
And I have made the unilateral decision

185
00:07:39,590 --> 00:07:42,024
that, mm, you need to stay out of this.

186
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:43,692
Well, then, I just made
the unilateral decision

187
00:07:43,694 --> 00:07:45,694
that I'm not gonna do what you say.

188
00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:47,051
Yes, you will.

189
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:51,507
Whose computer is this?

190
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:54,294
Okay.

191
00:07:54,319 --> 00:07:56,188
Royce should be here any minute.

192
00:07:56,213 --> 00:07:58,367
Mrs. Rodriguez told me he
had a dog-walking company,

193
00:07:58,392 --> 00:08:00,376
so I booked an appointment
online to get him to come over.

194
00:08:00,378 --> 00:08:01,744
You know, scare him a little,

195
00:08:01,746 --> 00:08:03,679
show him the kind of dad
he'll be dealing with.

196
00:08:04,278 --> 00:08:05,748
Didn't Andi say to stay out of it?

197
00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:07,216
Yeah, well, she's not in charge.

198
00:08:07,678 --> 00:08:09,478
And more importantly, she's not here.

199
00:08:10,435 --> 00:08:11,620
All right, what do you want me to do?

200
00:08:11,622 --> 00:08:13,255
Just back me up, all right?

201
00:08:13,947 --> 00:08:15,558
Oh, you want me to be the goon, huh?

202
00:08:16,427 --> 00:08:18,160
Don't worry. I know what to do.

203
00:08:18,162 --> 00:08:20,729
I'm not even allowed in
Chuck E. Cheese anymore.

204
00:08:23,062 --> 00:08:24,333
Oh, here, here, here.

205
00:08:24,553 --> 00:08:26,884
- Good morning, Mr. Burns.
- Royce.

206
00:08:27,369 --> 00:08:29,471
Thanks for calling
me. You won't be sorry.

207
00:08:29,769 --> 00:08:32,270
When you book me, you'll
be a 100% satisfied.

208
00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,552
"Make the right choice. Call Royce."

209
00:08:38,544 --> 00:08:40,416
Is that what you tell all the girls?

210
00:08:40,915 --> 00:08:41,650
What?

211
00:08:41,652 --> 00:08:43,018
Did he stutter?!

212
00:08:46,489 --> 00:08:47,790
Look, I actually called you over here

213
00:08:47,792 --> 00:08:50,870
for a confidential
conversation, man-to-man.

214
00:08:50,895 --> 00:08:53,562
Nothing we talk about
can get back to Katie.

215
00:08:53,564 --> 00:08:56,511
All right? You know my
wife, you know my daughter.

216
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,101
Now it's time for you to get to know me.

217
00:08:59,502 --> 00:09:03,720
For instance, one of my
hobbies is I like to take walks

218
00:09:03,745 --> 00:09:06,412
in the woods and bury things in holes.

219
00:09:07,785 --> 00:09:10,279
Sometimes I take one thing,

220
00:09:10,658 --> 00:09:13,949
cut it up, and bury
it in different holes.

221
00:09:14,952 --> 00:09:16,610
Depends on my mood.

222
00:09:16,685 --> 00:09:18,514
He's moody!

223
00:09:23,655 --> 00:09:26,295
I guess what I really
wanted you to know is Katie

224
00:09:26,297 --> 00:09:31,300
is my little girl, so you
date Katie, you date me.

225
00:09:32,737 --> 00:09:35,404
You upset Katie, you upset me.

226
00:09:36,537 --> 00:09:38,672
Okay? Now a lot of parents
these days are hands off,

227
00:09:38,697 --> 00:09:41,688
but me... I'm more hands on.

228
00:09:43,071 --> 00:09:44,346
You see what I'm saying?

229
00:09:44,699 --> 00:09:46,532
He touches kids!

230
00:09:51,749 --> 00:09:53,756
I think that went pretty
well with Royce this morning.

231
00:09:53,758 --> 00:09:55,324
Yeah.

232
00:09:55,550 --> 00:09:57,610
There was a few hiccups
on your end, but...

233
00:09:58,827 --> 00:09:59,989
I think we guaranteed

234
00:10:00,014 --> 00:10:03,082
that Royce will be a perfect
gentleman on their date.

235
00:10:07,401 --> 00:10:08,504
What's wrong with her?

236
00:10:08,506 --> 00:10:09,972
Royce cancelled their date.

237
00:10:09,974 --> 00:10:10,693
What?

238
00:10:11,966 --> 00:10:14,143
Uh, did he happen to mention why?

239
00:10:14,145 --> 00:10:16,792
No. No, he just, he-he texted her

240
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,247
and didn't explain anything.

241
00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:20,030
Oh, that's good.

242
00:10:20,790 --> 00:10:22,823
I mean, the why isn't really important.

243
00:10:22,848 --> 00:10:24,687
What's important is that
we establish who's to blame,

244
00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,922
and that is Royce.

245
00:10:27,195 --> 00:10:29,448
Well, I am gonna call
Royce's mom, and we

246
00:10:29,473 --> 00:10:31,849
- are gonna get to the bottom of this.
- What? No, no, no, no.

247
00:10:31,874 --> 00:10:34,639
You don't need to get
to the bottom of it.

248
00:10:34,664 --> 00:10:37,476
Let's stay at the top.
It's nice at the top, huh?

249
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:40,769
The penthouse of life...
that's where we live.

250
00:10:41,021 --> 00:10:43,689
- What?
- Well, I'm just saying, you're right.

251
00:10:44,059 --> 00:10:45,512
In fact, you're always right.

252
00:10:45,725 --> 00:10:48,785
From now on, we should
do whatever you say.

253
00:10:52,907 --> 00:10:54,751
What did you do?

254
00:10:56,115 --> 00:10:58,350
Let me tell her, please. Let
me be the one to tell her.

255
00:11:04,396 --> 00:11:07,064
So you scared Royce into
cancelling their date?

256
00:11:07,794 --> 00:11:09,376
I scared Royce.

257
00:11:09,863 --> 00:11:11,323
And he cancelled their date.

258
00:11:11,348 --> 00:11:13,066
You can't prove the connection.

259
00:11:13,754 --> 00:11:15,120
Okay, well, good job, Adam,

260
00:11:15,122 --> 00:11:16,955
because your daughter is heartbroken.

261
00:11:16,957 --> 00:11:19,709
You did the exact thing to her
that you said Royce would do.

262
00:11:19,734 --> 00:11:21,734
Yeah, but she thinks he did it.

263
00:11:22,623 --> 00:11:26,058
So I say now we do your
thing and just stay out of it.

264
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,435
Okay?

265
00:11:27,460 --> 00:11:28,900
I mean, we don't want

266
00:11:28,902 --> 00:11:31,570
to Romeo and Juliet this sucker.

267
00:11:31,572 --> 00:11:33,171
No, Adam, she blames herself.

268
00:11:33,173 --> 00:11:34,984
She thinks there's
something wrong with her.

269
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:36,508
She doesn't know that really

270
00:11:36,510 --> 00:11:38,977
there's just something
very, very wrong with you.

271
00:11:40,076 --> 00:11:41,647
But I'm her hero.

272
00:11:41,649 --> 00:11:43,382
Maybe you should take
the rap on this one.

273
00:11:43,384 --> 00:11:44,985
I'm going, I'm going.

274
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:51,056
Hey, Katie.

275
00:11:56,660 --> 00:11:59,341
Look, honey, I know you think
this whole thing is your fault,

276
00:11:59,366 --> 00:12:00,797
but it isn't.

277
00:12:00,822 --> 00:12:02,588
The truth is...

278
00:12:07,739 --> 00:12:11,754
The truth is, it's my...
feeling that it's Royce's fault.

279
00:12:11,779 --> 00:12:15,147
I mean, between saving
whales, walking dogs,

280
00:12:15,149 --> 00:12:17,308
he takes a selfie every four seconds...

281
00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:19,733
he's just too into himself.

282
00:12:20,582 --> 00:12:22,387
How do you know all
that stuff about Royce?

283
00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:24,321
Uh...

284
00:12:24,752 --> 00:12:26,145
uh, that's a good question.

285
00:12:26,170 --> 00:12:28,570
I did not see that coming. Uh...

286
00:12:29,193 --> 00:12:32,074
What did you do?

287
00:12:32,689 --> 00:12:34,031
You know, you are really starting

288
00:12:34,056 --> 00:12:35,726
to remind me of your mother.

289
00:12:37,622 --> 00:12:38,603
How'd it go?

290
00:12:38,605 --> 00:12:40,105
Not good.

291
00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:42,040
And now she knows it's my fault.

292
00:12:42,557 --> 00:12:44,209
I blew it. You know, from now on,

293
00:12:44,211 --> 00:12:46,278
you should just make all the decisions.

294
00:12:46,830 --> 00:12:47,533
Wait.

295
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:48,790
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

296
00:12:49,049 --> 00:12:51,116
- Say that into my phone.
- Oh, come on.

297
00:12:51,342 --> 00:12:54,219
Come on. How are we gonna fix this?

298
00:12:54,221 --> 00:12:55,821
Well...

299
00:12:56,413 --> 00:12:57,456
it's simple.

300
00:12:57,832 --> 00:13:01,059
We are gonna make the
decision, together...

301
00:13:01,309 --> 00:13:03,295
to go down to the mall and...

302
00:13:03,297 --> 00:13:05,163
bag a teenage boy to date our daughter.

303
00:13:06,344 --> 00:13:07,776
Fine, I'll do it.

304
00:13:07,801 --> 00:13:09,149
But I still think he's a player.

305
00:13:09,174 --> 00:13:11,647
He's not a player. And
I have news for you,

306
00:13:11,672 --> 00:13:14,215
you are not a player anymore,
either... you are a dad.

307
00:13:15,302 --> 00:13:18,052
- You take that back!
- Oh, come on.

308
00:13:18,209 --> 00:13:20,116
- Take it back. Take it back.
- No. No.

309
00:13:21,491 --> 00:13:22,479
I'm a player.

310
00:13:22,504 --> 00:13:23,614
Okay.

311
00:13:25,788 --> 00:13:26,885
What's in here?

312
00:13:26,887 --> 00:13:28,520
Okay, this is Marcy's favorite room.

313
00:13:28,522 --> 00:13:30,290
I'm only allowed in here
on special occasions,

314
00:13:30,315 --> 00:13:31,614
or after a bath.

315
00:13:32,084 --> 00:13:33,764
But these are her most precious things.

316
00:13:33,789 --> 00:13:35,440
If I'm gonna help you
find the perfect gift,

317
00:13:35,465 --> 00:13:37,483
I need to understand
what makes Marcy tick.

318
00:13:37,598 --> 00:13:40,599
Oh, well, that's easy...
it's Chardonnay and revenge.

319
00:13:40,864 --> 00:13:42,033
Oh, I love those plates.

320
00:13:42,035 --> 00:13:43,603
Whoa, whoa, we shouldn't
be on the carpet.

321
00:13:43,628 --> 00:13:45,305
We have to leave this
place exactly as it was.

322
00:13:45,330 --> 00:13:46,863
Marcy will see those footprints.

323
00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:50,196
I came up with this technique

324
00:13:50,221 --> 00:13:51,904
to get to the M&M's she keeps in here.

325
00:13:53,264 --> 00:13:53,971
Careful.

326
00:13:53,996 --> 00:13:55,611
Careful. No touching, no touching.

327
00:13:55,682 --> 00:13:57,383
Hey, I recognize these.

328
00:13:57,408 --> 00:13:59,484
These are Criscioni
commemorative plates.

329
00:13:59,486 --> 00:14:02,287
There's one for each month,
and she's missing December.

330
00:14:02,605 --> 00:14:03,635
She'll love it!

331
00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:05,100
And I only have to buy one plate.

332
00:14:05,125 --> 00:14:07,025
So I'll have enough for a dirt bike.

333
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,392
Okay, okay, she'll know

334
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:11,948
if it's a little off.

335
00:14:21,542 --> 00:14:22,706
Oh.

336
00:14:32,293 --> 00:14:34,085
Hey, sport.

337
00:14:34,087 --> 00:14:35,708
I'm friends with the mall cop.

338
00:14:35,733 --> 00:14:38,639
Come on. Relax, Royce.

339
00:14:38,664 --> 00:14:40,826
What I said this morning was wrong.

340
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,684
I should have just stayed out of it.

341
00:14:43,176 --> 00:14:44,563
And I probably would have

342
00:14:44,588 --> 00:14:45,964
if you didn't have such ridiculous hair.

343
00:14:45,966 --> 00:14:47,599
- Do you even have a mirror at home?
- Oh, Adam.

344
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:48,767
- What? What?
- Adam...

345
00:14:48,769 --> 00:14:50,435
Stay focused.

346
00:14:50,437 --> 00:14:51,564
Okay.

347
00:14:55,342 --> 00:14:58,747
Bottom line, Katie likes
you and you like her,

348
00:14:58,772 --> 00:14:59,700
so...

349
00:15:01,575 --> 00:15:03,515
please take her out.

350
00:15:03,517 --> 00:15:05,422
But you threatened to
bury me in the woods.

351
00:15:05,742 --> 00:15:06,891
You did what?

352
00:15:06,916 --> 00:15:08,273
He's paraphrasing.

353
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:11,380
That's why I cancelled.

354
00:15:11,405 --> 00:15:13,508
I would never come between
a father and a daughter.

355
00:15:13,533 --> 00:15:15,402
Oh, God, this kid is great.

356
00:15:16,066 --> 00:15:18,313
Are you buying this
crap? He's playing you.

357
00:15:18,338 --> 00:15:19,504
- Stop playing us.
- Adam!

358
00:15:19,529 --> 00:15:20,245
No.

359
00:15:20,270 --> 00:15:22,674
No. No. I know who you are.

360
00:15:22,699 --> 00:15:23,935
Okay? I was a player, too.

361
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,146
And still am.

362
00:15:25,982 --> 00:15:27,159
- Okay?
- Okay.

363
00:15:27,856 --> 00:15:29,156
But I've been outvoted.

364
00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:30,652
So here's what's gonna happen.

365
00:15:30,677 --> 00:15:32,878
You are gonna date my daughter,
whether you like it or not.

366
00:15:33,314 --> 00:15:35,367
'Cause I know where you
live, I know where you work,

367
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,559
- I will dig a deep hole, and I'll...
- Okay, okay,

368
00:15:37,584 --> 00:15:39,351
okay, that's it, that's
enough, that's enough.

369
00:15:39,353 --> 00:15:40,352
Now...

370
00:15:40,875 --> 00:15:42,087
okay, what...

371
00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,256
Adam is trying to say is...

372
00:15:44,455 --> 00:15:46,291
we're just... we're really impressed

373
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:48,760
by how mature and-and caring you are.

374
00:15:48,762 --> 00:15:49,947
Wrong.

375
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:53,865
We just think you're
an incredibly nice kid.

376
00:15:53,867 --> 00:15:54,849
Doubt it.

377
00:15:56,073 --> 00:15:58,693
And we would be thrilled
if you dated Katie.

378
00:15:58,718 --> 00:16:00,616
Adam!

379
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,874
I'm gonna make you wait in the car.

380
00:16:05,121 --> 00:16:08,980
So just, don't let
us spoil this for you.

381
00:16:08,982 --> 00:16:12,851
You know? So... what do you say?

382
00:16:12,853 --> 00:16:14,162
Okay, we'll go on the date.

383
00:16:14,187 --> 00:16:15,620
Oh, great!

384
00:16:15,779 --> 00:16:18,138
Surprise! Hi. I'm Daphne.

385
00:16:18,163 --> 00:16:19,583
Royce's girlfriend.

386
00:16:19,608 --> 00:16:21,065
You must be his grandparents.

387
00:16:21,090 --> 00:16:22,807
I've heard a lot about you.

388
00:16:25,166 --> 00:16:26,665
Excuse me?

389
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:29,668
I said, I've heard a lot about you.

390
00:16:31,884 --> 00:16:33,748
How dare you try to date our daughter

391
00:16:33,773 --> 00:16:35,234
when you have a girlfriend!

392
00:16:35,259 --> 00:16:37,660
Wait, you asked another girl out?

393
00:16:37,778 --> 00:16:39,210
I'm out of here.

394
00:16:44,698 --> 00:16:45,831
Listen to me, you...

395
00:16:46,728 --> 00:16:48,660
poofy-haired little rat.

396
00:16:49,631 --> 00:16:51,204
Get him, babe.

397
00:16:52,368 --> 00:16:55,003
I know where you live,
and I know where you work,

398
00:16:55,028 --> 00:16:57,362
and if you ever come
near our daughter again,

399
00:16:57,828 --> 00:16:58,670
I will come

400
00:16:58,695 --> 00:16:59,773
to the end of your rainbow

401
00:16:59,798 --> 00:17:01,812
and I will kick you right in the tots.

402
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:05,170
A little free advice:

403
00:17:05,172 --> 00:17:07,205
never be afraid of the crazy one,

404
00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:09,912
be afraid of the one the
crazy one's afraid of.

405
00:17:22,623 --> 00:17:24,280
Whew!

406
00:17:24,305 --> 00:17:26,338
- You know what?
- Hmm?

407
00:17:26,815 --> 00:17:27,815
That was fun.

408
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:28,905
Yeah.

409
00:17:29,062 --> 00:17:30,425
I like doing stuff with you.

410
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:31,480
Me, too.

411
00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:33,927
You're a way better goon than Don.

412
00:17:34,694 --> 00:17:35,711
Aw.

413
00:17:35,736 --> 00:17:37,132
Mwah.

414
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,557
And, uh...

415
00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:40,440
I have to admit,

416
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,407
you were right about Royce.

417
00:17:42,432 --> 00:17:44,765
Oh, wait, wait, say
that into my phone. Wait.

418
00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:49,047
You're guys not going to believe it.

419
00:17:49,049 --> 00:17:51,316
Royce was dating some
girl from another school,

420
00:17:51,318 --> 00:17:53,175
and now she's blasting
him all over Instagram.

421
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,071
It's epic.

422
00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:55,945
Yeah, we did that.

423
00:17:57,156 --> 00:17:58,836
- What?
- Yeah, yeah, we went down to the mall

424
00:17:58,861 --> 00:18:00,107
to talk to Royce about your date.

425
00:18:00,132 --> 00:18:02,065
Mm-hmm, yeah, and that's
when we met Daphne.

426
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:03,396
Oh, my God!

427
00:18:03,421 --> 00:18:04,897
I can't believe you guys would do that.

428
00:18:04,922 --> 00:18:06,400
That's-that's my personal life.

429
00:18:06,425 --> 00:18:07,521
Oh, Katie, you're right,

430
00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:09,146
we didn't respect your boundaries.

431
00:18:09,770 --> 00:18:11,410
And we never will.

432
00:18:12,970 --> 00:18:14,403
Yeah, it turns out that the lesson

433
00:18:14,428 --> 00:18:15,794
from Romeo and Juliet is that

434
00:18:15,819 --> 00:18:17,580
the parents just weren't strict enough.

435
00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:19,945
This is the worst apology ever.

436
00:18:19,970 --> 00:18:21,813
Oh, no, no, it's not an apology.

437
00:18:21,815 --> 00:18:23,815
No, no, it's a warning to any future boy

438
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,157
that tries to date you.

439
00:18:25,977 --> 00:18:28,653
We're gonna cyber-stalk
them, and interrogate them.

440
00:18:28,655 --> 00:18:30,209
Yeah, and let them know
that, if they date you,

441
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,167
we'll be watching.

442
00:18:32,559 --> 00:18:34,170
But if you do that, no
one will ever want to.

443
00:18:34,195 --> 00:18:35,954
Then we'll have done our job.

444
00:18:43,965 --> 00:18:46,021
Oh.

445
00:18:46,046 --> 00:18:47,646
Mwah.

446
00:18:48,974 --> 00:18:51,710
You know, s-she'll make us
pay for this when we're old.

447
00:18:51,712 --> 00:18:53,011
Yeah.

448
00:18:53,013 --> 00:18:54,222
When the time comes,

449
00:18:54,247 --> 00:18:56,691
that one is gonna be
quick to pull the plug.

450
00:19:02,719 --> 00:19:06,315
I can't believe Marcy got you a
dirt bike for your anniversary.

451
00:19:06,340 --> 00:19:07,839
And that she can bring it in here,

452
00:19:07,841 --> 00:19:09,474
but I had to leave my beer in the hall.

453
00:19:10,463 --> 00:19:12,255
It was the perfect place
to hide it last night

454
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,248
because I knew Don wouldn't
dare come in this room.

455
00:19:15,631 --> 00:19:17,576
If you got Marcy another
fast food gift card,

456
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:19,542
I suggest you ride off
on this thing right now.

457
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,837
Oh, no, no, I love my girl.

458
00:19:21,839 --> 00:19:24,315
In fact, I got her
something very special.

459
00:19:24,919 --> 00:19:26,804
- Here you go, baby.
- Oh!

460
00:19:26,829 --> 00:19:28,662
Hey, I thought you broke those.

461
00:19:28,687 --> 00:19:31,121
I had to buy a whole
new set. Cost a fortune.

462
00:19:31,146 --> 00:19:34,147
You got me my missing plate!

463
00:19:34,172 --> 00:19:38,466
Honey, I never knew you
even noticed my Criscionis.

464
00:19:38,491 --> 00:19:41,189
- Oh, baby, I love your crispy ponies.
- Oh.

465
00:19:42,069 --> 00:19:42,733
Okay.

466
00:19:42,758 --> 00:19:44,292
Aw.

467
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:47,506
Now my collection is complete.

468
00:19:47,531 --> 00:19:48,723
Okay, I can't wait anymore,

469
00:19:48,748 --> 00:19:50,481
I got to take this girl for a spin.

470
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:52,830
No!

471
00:19:58,571 --> 00:20:02,122
Uh... so does this mean I
can bring my beer in here now?

472
00:20:02,583 --> 00:20:05,083
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