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♪ The night is right ♪
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♪ For making love ♪
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♪ To you. ♪
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Old Spice, my secret weapon.
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Oh-ho-ho.
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She's a lucky lady.
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Andi, prepare yourself
for some good old-fashioned...
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Teddy.
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Surprise, he's
in our bed again.
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I see that and I love it.
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But, uh...
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buddy, you've been sleeping
in here for two weeks.
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Made your own little dent
in the mattress.
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Well, he can't
sleep on his own
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because somebody let him
watch Nightmare on Elm Street.
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Okay, look, I know
we talked about this,
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but I am still not convinced
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that's why he can't
sleep by himself.
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Hmm.
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What else could have
happened two weeks ago
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to scare the bejesus
out of Teddy?
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I switched to two percent
milk, that's pretty spooky.
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No, it was the movie.
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Okay. Honey, don't
worry about it.
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Go get your pillow.
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I estimate we have
30 seconds, okay?
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Unless he brushes his teeth.
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Ted-Teddy!
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Brush your teeth!
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Okay, we have
35 seconds.
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It's not a race.
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Well, it can be.
It's been two weeks!
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Okay, listen.
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No, no, no,
listen, listen.
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I said he was too
young for that movie
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but you went rogue.
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Yeah.
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You made your bed and now
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we all get to lie in it.
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With Teddy.
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Wait, wait, wait, we
still have ten seconds.
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We can make this happen.
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If you follow my instructions
very carefully...
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What a waste
of Old Spice.
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What is wrong with this... bag?
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Why won't it open?
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Why don't bags open anymore?
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This bag is broken.
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Adam.
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You seem troubled.
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I'm fine, it's... it's private.
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Yeah, stay out
of the man's business.
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He hasn't made love
to his wife in 15 days.
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That's not true.
How do you know that?
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Marcy told me.
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After we made love.
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We have a heck
of a streak going.
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And I'll tell you,
the sky looks a little bluer.
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Well, since
it's public information...
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I let Teddy watch
a scary movie
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and he's been in
our bed ever since.
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Now I'm starring in my own
horror movie and it's rated G.
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I haven't had
intimate relations
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since Jen and I split up.
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But I'm not complaining,
I have new interests.
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I'm learning Mandarin.
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That means,
"I'm lonely."
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Let's just keep our bedroom
problems to ourselves, okay?
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I don't need anyone else
knowing my private business.
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Your mother tells me
you're in a slump, son.
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Mom knows?
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Well, my guess is you're
overthinking things.
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Just relax, boy.
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See the ball,
hit the ball.
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It's not a slump.
It's a drought.
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My swing is just fine.
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You say "tomato," I say
you're not getting any.
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Look, the problem's
not me and Andi.
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It's all the little people
that live with us.
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One of life's cruel jokes:
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the more kids you have,
the less time there is
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to do the thing
that makes kids.
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Well, you know
what you should do?
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Take Andi to a hotel.
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No kids, a little romance.
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That's actually
a great idea.
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Andi loves hotels.
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It reminds her of our honeymoon,
when she was already
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in a good mood, 'cause she got me.
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- Hey, Dad, can you watch the kids?
- Sure.
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I love having my little
beer grabbers around.
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How come you never ask me
or Marcy to watch the kids?
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Where are your keys right now?
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That's why.
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Come on, I'm serious.
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You never even consider us.
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I love those kids.
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Well, that's nice
to hear, Don.
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And since Dad just called them
"little beer grabbers,"
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I guess you win.
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That's all right.
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I still have your mother,
the original beer grabber.
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How would you like
to be whisked... away
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by your loving husband
to a hotel room
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complete with...
a loving husband?
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- You're so sweet.
- Hmm? Yeah.
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- But we can't.
- What? Why?
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Well, hotels cost money.
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Until we sell that flip house,
we are carrying two mortgages.
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I already thought of that.
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I have a gift card.
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Don't worry, baby.
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- I won't spend a dime on you.
- Aw.
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Wait, this is the hotel
that gave us a free night
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'cause they had bedbugs.
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Mm.
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You saw one,
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and freaked out and the
next thing I knew,
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you were in the
glass elevator naked,
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riding down to the lobby.
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I had my underwear.
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In your hand.
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And I apologized
to that wedding.
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But the hotel
just reopened,
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so it'll never be cleaner.
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Just like when
a restaurant reopens
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after a rat problem... ooh.
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By the way, I have a gift card
for dinner, too.
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*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 03 Episode 07
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Episode Title :
"Hotel Hanky Panky".
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Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
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Sync corrections by srjanapala
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So, your dad and I
have to go away for a night.
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Oh, what for?
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We got to take care
of a little business.
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What kind of business?
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None of your
business business.
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So, you, Teddy and Emme
are gonna be staying
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with Uncle Don
and Aunt Marcy.
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Or...
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I think I'm old enough now
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to stay home by myself
for one night.
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What do you say?
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Okay.
No.
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- Pantry.
- Pantry.
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Okay.
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We are not leaving
Katie here by herself;
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she can't be trusted.
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She's got our DNA.
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Our beer-chugging,
mechanical bull-riding DNA.
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She gets good grades,
she's responsible,
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she's a good girl.
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We had a golden retriever
growing up that was a good girl.
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You know what she did
every time we left her alone?
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Jumped the fence
and got pregnant.
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She's having a tough time
at school, all right?
157
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Her best friend moved away.
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She hasn't found
a new social circle yet.
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Look, she wants this; let's
just do something nice for her.
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We give her food and clothes
every single day.
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All right, let me ask you this:
what do you want more?
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To win this Kate thing,
or hotel sex?
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I vote for hotel sex.
I'm a single-issue voter, okay?
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Katie, great news.
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Okay, so Teddy and Emme
are at Uncle Don's...
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Okay, everyone knows
where everyone is.
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Blow some kisses.
No time to waste.
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Uh, hey.
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Would it be okay if I invited
Shelby and Winslow over?
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The two old guys
from The Muppets?
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No. They're girls
from my Spanish class.
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But I'm thinking I might
get to know them better
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if we hang out.
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You-you can
hang out tomorrow, okay?
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Nobody but you here tonight.
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You invite someone over,
they invite more people.
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00:07:40,837 --> 00:07:43,729
Next thing you know, I got
Burning Man in my living room.
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You in the house, just you.
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Sitting around, doing nothing.
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Have fun. I love you.
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Honey,
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just between you and me,
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go ahead and have
those girls over.
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But Dad just said...
Don't worry about Dad.
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He's got other things
on his mind.
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00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:04,292
Come on.
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00:08:04,378 --> 00:08:05,534
Would you please come on?
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- I've got ideas.
- Okay.
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Howdy, cowboy.
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Ooh, Old West prostitute.
I like it.
191
00:08:24,581 --> 00:08:26,362
No, no, I'm a pioneer woman.
192
00:08:26,447 --> 00:08:29,893
Yeah, farming the land
to feed our 12 children.
193
00:08:30,057 --> 00:08:31,721
Let's just be ourselves.
194
00:08:31,974 --> 00:08:33,953
It's been 15 days.
It'll seem new.
195
00:08:34,484 --> 00:08:36,546
Later, we should
raid those minibar snacks.
196
00:08:36,631 --> 00:08:37,816
They're complimentary.
197
00:08:37,901 --> 00:08:39,393
Well, if we do this thing right,
198
00:08:39,479 --> 00:08:42,190
you won't be awake
for minibar snacks.
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00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,948
Mm-hmm.
200
00:08:51,307 --> 00:08:52,526
What is it?
201
00:08:53,531 --> 00:08:55,532
I started thinking about
those bedbugs.Oh...
202
00:08:56,389 --> 00:08:58,454
I think this might be
the same room
203
00:08:58,540 --> 00:08:59,656
that we had last time.
204
00:08:59,741 --> 00:09:02,485
It's got the same floor plan:
bed, window, TV.
205
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,661
It's a hotel room.
They all have that floor plan.
206
00:09:05,747 --> 00:09:07,918
Right. Right.
207
00:09:11,595 --> 00:09:14,859
It-It's like I can
feel bugs on me.
208
00:09:15,815 --> 00:09:17,794
Those things drink blood.
209
00:09:17,942 --> 00:09:20,381
And what if one of 'em
bites me there?
210
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,525
That's where all the blood
will be.
211
00:09:23,486 --> 00:09:25,993
Everything's gonna be fine.
All right?
212
00:09:26,079 --> 00:09:29,470
Now, mosey on over here,
partner.
213
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:32,754
Come on.
214
00:09:35,983 --> 00:09:38,203
I-I can't do it,
I'm sorry.
215
00:09:39,669 --> 00:09:42,674
Hey, Teddy is at Don
and Marcy's.
216
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,492
That means our bed is empty.
217
00:09:44,578 --> 00:09:45,756
Le-Let's just go home.
218
00:09:45,884 --> 00:09:46,930
You want to go home?
219
00:09:47,132 --> 00:09:49,093
I'll make it just like
a hotel, okay.
220
00:09:49,226 --> 00:09:50,533
I'll put chocolates
on the pillow,
221
00:09:50,618 --> 00:09:53,720
and in the morning, we
can steal our own shampoo.
222
00:09:54,321 --> 00:09:55,626
Okay, yeah, that...
223
00:09:55,712 --> 00:09:58,282
Let me just text Kate
and warn her... tellher
224
00:09:58,452 --> 00:09:59,735
that we're coming home.
225
00:09:59,821 --> 00:10:01,389
Good, good, great.
I am out of here.
226
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,565
- Adam.
- Hmm?
227
00:10:02,717 --> 00:10:04,134
Glass elevator.
228
00:10:04,868 --> 00:10:06,696
Right. Pants.
229
00:10:15,249 --> 00:10:16,600
My dad's coming.
Everybody out!
230
00:10:16,806 --> 00:10:17,996
Go, go! Get out!
231
00:10:18,081 --> 00:10:20,085
Out, out, out, out.
Go, go, go, go!
232
00:10:35,315 --> 00:10:36,708
Oh, my...!
233
00:10:53,799 --> 00:10:54,859
Hi.
234
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:56,687
Hey, Mom.
235
00:10:57,499 --> 00:10:58,877
There's my girl.
236
00:10:58,963 --> 00:11:01,572
All alone, like I knew
you would be.
237
00:11:02,682 --> 00:11:04,346
Okay. Hey, Katie,
we're very tired,
238
00:11:04,432 --> 00:11:05,870
so we're just gonna
go straight up to bed.
239
00:11:05,955 --> 00:11:07,150
Okay.
240
00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:12,050
I never got
my minibar snacks.
241
00:11:15,529 --> 00:11:17,183
This room's taken, bro.
242
00:11:26,165 --> 00:11:30,383
Katie, there were teenagers
canoodling in our pantry.
243
00:11:31,330 --> 00:11:33,008
How did this happen?
244
00:11:33,537 --> 00:11:36,110
It doesn't matter how it happened.
245
00:11:37,555 --> 00:11:39,256
We don't even need
to know what anybody said
246
00:11:39,341 --> 00:11:41,532
that might've led up to it.
247
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,772
I want to know.
248
00:11:44,146 --> 00:11:45,508
She had a party.
249
00:11:45,594 --> 00:11:47,688
The one thing I
told her not to do.
250
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,110
It wasn't a party.
251
00:11:49,245 --> 00:11:50,985
Oh, it wasn't a party?
252
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:52,516
Well, then you won't mind
253
00:11:52,602 --> 00:11:55,532
if I check the trash
outside for evidence, huh?
254
00:11:56,196 --> 00:11:58,807
Huh? This house looks
a little too clean.
255
00:11:58,893 --> 00:12:00,861
I've been living with your
mother for a long time...
256
00:12:00,946 --> 00:12:02,295
Hey.
257
00:12:09,874 --> 00:12:11,289
Wait!
258
00:12:12,951 --> 00:12:16,177
Before you do that,
I should tell you.
259
00:12:16,413 --> 00:12:18,200
A neighbor came by...
260
00:12:18,619 --> 00:12:20,669
and he asked if he could
261
00:12:20,792 --> 00:12:23,286
dump his beer cans
into our trash.
262
00:12:25,790 --> 00:12:28,544
And... then he said
he was moving away
263
00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:30,644
so we'll never see him again.
264
00:12:33,282 --> 00:12:35,926
Oh, Katie.
265
00:12:37,373 --> 00:12:39,637
Oh-ho-ho, Katie.
266
00:12:41,849 --> 00:12:43,926
Okay, fine.
There was a party.
267
00:12:44,216 --> 00:12:45,984
But I didn't drink anything.
268
00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:48,394
And I only invited
two girls over.
269
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,558
The others heard about it
and showed up.
270
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:53,154
Which is exactly what
I told you would happen
271
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,543
and why I said you couldn't
have anybody over.
272
00:12:59,105 --> 00:13:00,402
You're grounded.
273
00:13:00,831 --> 00:13:02,224
Grounded?
274
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,004
Mom said I could!
275
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,418
What? I...
276
00:13:15,082 --> 00:13:17,473
Oh, Andi.
277
00:13:24,294 --> 00:13:25,340
What's up?
278
00:13:25,809 --> 00:13:27,871
That is an excellent
question, Teddy.
279
00:13:28,035 --> 00:13:29,816
What is up?
280
00:13:30,290 --> 00:13:31,424
Teddy's scared.
281
00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:33,262
He wants to sleep
in here with us.
282
00:13:33,348 --> 00:13:35,252
But we have a streak.
283
00:13:35,641 --> 00:13:38,387
Well, I guess
the streak is over, honey.
284
00:13:39,291 --> 00:13:41,488
Teddy, let's go
for a ride.
285
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:47,902
Hey, munchkins.
286
00:13:47,988 --> 00:13:50,036
What a nice surprise.
287
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,871
I see you, Donny.
288
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,848
You went behind my back
289
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:56,720
and decided to
parent on your own.
290
00:13:56,806 --> 00:13:58,462
You went rogue.
291
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:00,410
You went rogue, too,
292
00:14:00,496 --> 00:14:02,230
when you let Teddy
watch a scary movie.
293
00:14:02,316 --> 00:14:03,934
Wh...
294
00:14:04,591 --> 00:14:07,465
This is completely different.
295
00:14:07,551 --> 00:14:11,078
I explicitly said Katie
couldn't have anybody over.
296
00:14:11,257 --> 00:14:14,723
And I explicitly said that Teddy
shouldn't watch that movie.
297
00:14:14,809 --> 00:14:17,691
Yeah, but I wasn't listening.
298
00:14:19,332 --> 00:14:22,340
Plus, Teddy is the only one
in his class who hadn't seen it.
299
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:23,434
I was right.
300
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,871
Well, I think I was right.
But you were wrong.
301
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,098
I never told Kate
to have a party.
302
00:14:29,184 --> 00:14:30,435
I just wanted her
to make some friends.
303
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,184
Oh, people were making
friends, all right.
304
00:14:33,438 --> 00:14:36,824
Some teenager was stealing
second base in our pantry!
305
00:14:37,207 --> 00:14:39,488
Where we keep our food.
306
00:14:39,793 --> 00:14:42,186
Contaminated, Andi!
307
00:14:48,685 --> 00:14:50,036
What's that?
308
00:14:50,176 --> 00:14:51,919
I signed Emme up
for boxing.
309
00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:54,496
You said no, but since
we're going rogue,
310
00:14:54,613 --> 00:14:56,386
I'm doing it anyway.
311
00:14:56,824 --> 00:14:59,246
- Oh. Fine with me.
- Mm.
312
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,858
I'll sign Teddy up for
rhythmic gymnastics class.
313
00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:03,208
You know that's
the Olympic event
314
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:05,691
where they dance around
twirling the ribbons.
315
00:15:06,050 --> 00:15:07,127
Great.
316
00:15:07,212 --> 00:15:09,712
Then I'll call the gym
about Emme. Yeah.
317
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,925
I can't wait to watch her
spit a tooth into a bucket.
318
00:15:13,308 --> 00:15:14,308
Terrific.
319
00:15:14,394 --> 00:15:15,615
Good. Yep.
320
00:15:15,701 --> 00:15:17,649
You have your athlete,
I have mine.
321
00:15:17,735 --> 00:15:20,297
See you at the Olympics.
322
00:15:20,557 --> 00:15:23,751
Hey, we just came
to drop off the kids.
323
00:15:23,837 --> 00:15:25,250
Why do you have
Teddy and Emme?
324
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:27,985
Uncle Don ding-dong-ditched us
on their porch.
325
00:15:28,071 --> 00:15:31,938
It was awesome.
We got Grandpa, like, four beers.
326
00:15:33,717 --> 00:15:35,571
Did we come at a bad time?
327
00:15:35,661 --> 00:15:37,828
I can always tell
when a wife's mad.
328
00:15:38,226 --> 00:15:40,438
If you're fighting,
we'll wait in the driveway.
329
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,571
We-we can hear
everything from there.
330
00:15:42,952 --> 00:15:45,429
We're not fighting,
we're having a disagreement.
331
00:15:45,515 --> 00:15:49,695
Oh, doesn't surprise me.
We know all about your drought.
332
00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:52,310
Ma, that's not
what this is about.
333
00:15:52,592 --> 00:15:56,756
Your daughter-in-law organized
a teenage orgy in our pantry.
334
00:15:57,013 --> 00:15:59,201
Adam's just mad
because I told Kate
335
00:15:59,287 --> 00:16:01,358
it was okay to have friends
over, and a party happened.
336
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:06,189
Oh, so what? You and Don always
had parties when we left town.
337
00:16:06,275 --> 00:16:07,452
What? No, we didn't.
338
00:16:07,538 --> 00:16:09,732
The hell you didn't!
There were more beers
339
00:16:09,818 --> 00:16:12,693
in the fridge when we
got home than when we left.
340
00:16:12,935 --> 00:16:16,152
That's because
this weird neighbor
341
00:16:16,237 --> 00:16:17,974
would sometimes bring beers over
342
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,490
and we would put them
in the fridge for you.
343
00:16:20,592 --> 00:16:23,013
And then he moved away,
so you can't ask him.
344
00:16:23,099 --> 00:16:27,366
Was it Sal? Or Daryl? That seems
like something he would do.
345
00:16:27,492 --> 00:16:29,583
He's making it up, Bev.
346
00:16:29,669 --> 00:16:31,529
The point is, Andi,
347
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:33,709
we are supposed to
parent together,
348
00:16:33,795 --> 00:16:36,452
- and she went rogue.
- He went rogue first.
349
00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:39,369
Well, that's a different story.
Nobody likes that.
350
00:16:39,455 --> 00:16:42,052
I had to lay down the law
with your mother in '79
351
00:16:42,138 --> 00:16:44,310
- when she took you...
- Don't you finish that sentence, Joe.
352
00:16:44,395 --> 00:16:47,875
You took Adam to get a perm
after I told you not to.
353
00:16:47,961 --> 00:16:49,532
You're darn right I did.
354
00:16:49,618 --> 00:16:53,092
Oh, you looked like
one of The Jackson 5.
355
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:55,623
His hair was so big,
a bird got stuck in it.
356
00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:58,623
Hold on, hold on,
I have an important question.
357
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:01,373
You had a perm?
358
00:17:01,459 --> 00:17:03,052
No.
359
00:17:03,275 --> 00:17:06,723
Stop talking. This family
talks too much. Goodbye.
360
00:17:07,196 --> 00:17:10,223
He wanted to express himself,
and I supported him.
361
00:17:10,309 --> 00:17:11,590
No father should
see his son
362
00:17:11,676 --> 00:17:15,395
under a beauty shop hair dryer
reading Good Housekeeping.
363
00:17:22,278 --> 00:17:24,887
Can't believe a word they say.
364
00:17:25,801 --> 00:17:27,484
Well, it makes me feel better
365
00:17:27,569 --> 00:17:30,989
that we're not the first parents
arguing about this stuff.
366
00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:34,512
It probably goes all the way
back to the Old West.
367
00:17:36,957 --> 00:17:39,278
Ain't that right, Sheriff?
368
00:17:47,176 --> 00:17:49,614
Well, I reckon so.
369
00:17:50,768 --> 00:17:52,637
Madam Prostitute.
370
00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:58,514
I'm a pioneer woman.
Sheesh. Let it go.
371
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,660
Fine, fine, fine.
372
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:04,231
Maybe for our anniversary.
373
00:18:05,129 --> 00:18:09,090
I... I'm sorry for going
behind your back with Teddy.
374
00:18:09,176 --> 00:18:11,387
Me, too, with Kate.
375
00:18:11,570 --> 00:18:14,192
- Going rogue is a bad idea.
- You're right.
376
00:18:14,790 --> 00:18:16,446
So we're not gonna
do that anymore, right?
377
00:18:16,531 --> 00:18:17,949
Right.
378
00:18:24,457 --> 00:18:26,369
Well, there's hundreds
of scary movies,
379
00:18:26,454 --> 00:18:28,856
and I'm too afraid
to watch them alone.
380
00:18:29,723 --> 00:18:32,465
We'll go
case by case.
381
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,512
Fair enough.
382
00:18:35,651 --> 00:18:38,772
Hey, you got any pictures
of you with that perm?
383
00:18:38,858 --> 00:18:40,601
No. No.
384
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,615
No, I burned them all.
385
00:18:43,231 --> 00:18:46,955
That's too bad.
You might get lucky if you did.
386
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,934
I know exactly where one is.
387
00:18:53,951 --> 00:18:55,865
Morning, fellas.
388
00:18:59,286 --> 00:19:01,638
What a day, huh?
389
00:19:03,897 --> 00:19:07,873
Have you ever seen
a sky that blue?
390
00:19:10,631 --> 00:19:13,599
Well, somebody sure
has cheered up.
391
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:15,521
Yeah, worked
everything out.
392
00:19:15,607 --> 00:19:16,917
Instead of grounding Katie,
393
00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:21,232
her punishment is Teddy
has to sleep in her room.
394
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:25,538
So in the parents'
room, well,
395
00:19:26,429 --> 00:19:27,762
let's just say
396
00:19:28,171 --> 00:19:30,676
there's a new sheriff in town.
397
00:19:32,721 --> 00:19:34,913
Yeah, well, my streak is over.
398
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:38,695
Marcy said choosing sex
over family is a turnoff.
399
00:19:39,531 --> 00:19:42,123
And then she started listing
all the other things I do
400
00:19:42,209 --> 00:19:44,101
that are turnoffs.
401
00:19:44,578 --> 00:19:47,296
It was a real bad night.
402
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:50,187
Well, you have my sympathies.
403
00:19:50,294 --> 00:19:53,515
As a single man, I understand
how hard celibacy can be.
404
00:19:53,765 --> 00:19:55,987
Here.
Let me help you with that.
405
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,900
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
406
00:20:02,986 --> 00:20:04,954
Take it easy, buddy.
407
00:20:06,675 --> 00:20:09,087
Some guys just can't
handle a drought.