1
00:00:02,668 --> 00:00:03,766
I'm telling you, Teddy,

2
00:00:03,790 --> 00:00:05,158
you looked great at baseball today.

3
00:00:05,182 --> 00:00:07,204
All we need to work on is hitting.

4
00:00:07,289 --> 00:00:09,623
And throwing and catching.

5
00:00:09,708 --> 00:00:11,541
Everything else you got locked down.

6
00:00:11,627 --> 00:00:12,759
Thanks.

7
00:00:12,845 --> 00:00:13,915
Hey, when we get home,

8
00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:15,587
can I finally drive your
truck up the driveway?

9
00:00:15,611 --> 00:00:17,964
I wish you could, but
you remember our deal.

10
00:00:18,050 --> 00:00:19,244
You have to be taller than that mark

11
00:00:19,268 --> 00:00:20,550
I put on your bedroom door.

12
00:00:20,636 --> 00:00:22,602
But I keep growing, and
I never get any closer.

13
00:00:22,688 --> 00:00:25,438
It's weird. It's like the
mark is getting higher.

14
00:00:25,524 --> 00:00:27,895
Huh. That is weird.

15
00:00:29,561 --> 00:00:32,445
Hey, hey, no feet on the dashboard.

16
00:00:32,531 --> 00:00:34,481
You want to drive Grey Thunder someday,

17
00:00:34,566 --> 00:00:36,483
show some respect.

18
00:00:36,568 --> 00:00:39,119
- Sorry, Grey Thunder.
- Yeah.

19
00:00:39,204 --> 00:00:40,547
I'm just looking out for you.

20
00:00:40,572 --> 00:00:42,042
It's like I always say,

21
00:00:42,074 --> 00:00:43,240
you get what you want...

22
00:00:43,325 --> 00:00:44,719
By knowing what other people want.

23
00:00:44,743 --> 00:00:46,821
That's right. That's right.

24
00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:49,212
And when you're older, if you
get in your girlfriend's car

25
00:00:49,248 --> 00:00:50,725
and put your feet up on the dashboard,

26
00:00:50,749 --> 00:00:53,133
that date does not end in a smooch.

27
00:00:53,158 --> 00:00:55,571
I want the smooch; that's the
only reason I play baseball.

28
00:00:55,596 --> 00:00:58,377
That's the only reason we do anything.

29
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,091
So how's school?

30
00:01:01,176 --> 00:01:03,310
I got an English paper back
today, and I got an "A."

31
00:01:03,395 --> 00:01:05,312
Right on.

32
00:01:05,397 --> 00:01:07,711
I had to write an
essay on who my hero is.

33
00:01:08,581 --> 00:01:10,498
Your hero, huh?

34
00:01:12,938 --> 00:01:14,104
Enough said.

35
00:01:17,075 --> 00:01:19,356
Hey, Teddy. How was baseball?

36
00:01:19,381 --> 00:01:21,995
Did you face the right way this time?

37
00:01:22,572 --> 00:01:23,738
Nothing hit me.

38
00:01:26,034 --> 00:01:28,785
Hey, this season's shaping up.

39
00:01:28,870 --> 00:01:30,086
What's, uh, what-what's this?

40
00:01:30,122 --> 00:01:31,421
"Just dream"?

41
00:01:31,456 --> 00:01:33,006
Oh, yeah. I painted it myself.

42
00:01:33,091 --> 00:01:34,374
What do you think?

43
00:01:34,459 --> 00:01:35,687
Well, I think if you want something

44
00:01:35,711 --> 00:01:37,509
for our neighbors to read, how about

45
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:38,963
"tell your husband to close the blinds

46
00:01:38,987 --> 00:01:41,464
when he showers"?!

47
00:01:42,656 --> 00:01:43,904
Okay, well, I don't have to,

48
00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:46,166
because you yell it at him
every time you get the paper.

49
00:01:48,223 --> 00:01:50,440
I think the chair is inspiring.

50
00:01:50,475 --> 00:01:53,026
Well, if you want inspiration,

51
00:01:53,111 --> 00:01:55,862
there's something very
special in Teddy's backpack.

52
00:01:55,948 --> 00:01:59,204
Uh-oh, did he leave another
ham sandwich in there?

53
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,618
I'm not digging that deep.

54
00:02:01,653 --> 00:02:04,204
I'm gonna stay in the upper
half, where everything's dry.

55
00:02:04,985 --> 00:02:06,072
Here it is.

56
00:02:06,719 --> 00:02:08,541
Why don't you read this grade A work

57
00:02:08,627 --> 00:02:11,340
of literature aloud while I
make room for it on the fridge.

58
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:12,365
Hmm.

59
00:02:13,525 --> 00:02:14,236
Let's see.

60
00:02:14,261 --> 00:02:17,461
"'My Hero, ' by Teddy Burns."

61
00:02:17,486 --> 00:02:20,123
"Who is my hero? This question is easy.

62
00:02:20,148 --> 00:02:22,399
My hero is my mother, Andi Burns"?

63
00:02:26,442 --> 00:02:28,481
Very funny. Read-read the real one.

64
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:31,147
No, no, no, no, look. Look, honey,

65
00:02:31,183 --> 00:02:33,337
I thought for sure it was gonna be you.

66
00:02:40,025 --> 00:02:43,452
Nope. It says "mom" everywhere on here.

67
00:02:43,477 --> 00:02:44,995
Yeah.

68
00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:48,365
This is gonna look great on the fridge.

69
00:02:59,553 --> 00:03:01,686
Here's your cocoa, Emme.

70
00:03:01,741 --> 00:03:03,716
I gave you extra marshmallows.

71
00:03:03,741 --> 00:03:06,043
- Thanks, Daddy.
- Yeah.

72
00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:07,916
You know, in a few years,

73
00:03:07,941 --> 00:03:10,207
you're gonna get an
assignment at school.

74
00:03:11,403 --> 00:03:13,320
Something about a hero.

75
00:03:14,332 --> 00:03:16,496
And you know what rhymes with "hero"?

76
00:03:16,808 --> 00:03:18,517
Marshmallow.

77
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,781
Daddy, marshmallow, hero.
That's how you remember that.

78
00:03:23,415 --> 00:03:25,782
- Okay. I'm going outside.
- Okay.

79
00:03:26,211 --> 00:03:28,421
Hey, sit in my new chair.

80
00:03:28,446 --> 00:03:30,187
And don't forget to dream.

81
00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:33,662
Maybe dream about the guy
who gave you marshmallows.

82
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,380
Hey, where'd Teddy's essay go?

83
00:03:37,405 --> 00:03:39,419
Oh, that? I-I thought it looked better

84
00:03:39,444 --> 00:03:41,560
on the back of the pantry door.

85
00:03:42,363 --> 00:03:43,819
You hid my essay?

86
00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:46,872
- Why, so people wouldn't see it?
- No.

87
00:03:46,897 --> 00:03:48,489
We're talking about the pantry here.

88
00:03:48,514 --> 00:03:50,700
Tons of foot traffic.

89
00:03:50,725 --> 00:03:54,263
And the-the pantry is
really the heart of the home.

90
00:03:54,288 --> 00:03:56,544
Yeah, that's where all
our favorite stuff is.

91
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,862
The snacks and the-the, the, uh, broom.

92
00:04:03,239 --> 00:04:04,569
What are you doing?

93
00:04:04,850 --> 00:04:05,850
Nothing.

94
00:04:06,951 --> 00:04:08,623
What are you doing?

95
00:04:10,131 --> 00:04:12,207
I think I'm watching you
make an ass of yourself.

96
00:04:13,269 --> 00:04:15,686
I'm fine. You're the one who's cursing.

97
00:04:17,084 --> 00:04:18,614
Is it the essay?

98
00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:20,122
Maybe we should just
get rid of that thing.

99
00:04:20,146 --> 00:04:22,267
It is tearing this family apart.

100
00:04:23,607 --> 00:04:24,542
You're jealous.

101
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:25,899
I know.

102
00:04:26,256 --> 00:04:27,761
Get ahold of yourself, man.

103
00:04:27,786 --> 00:04:28,786
I can't!

104
00:04:31,032 --> 00:04:33,218
Why don't you just take
comfort in that fact that,

105
00:04:33,243 --> 00:04:34,997
even though Teddy didn't pick you,

106
00:04:35,022 --> 00:04:38,106
he picked the person that you
love the most in the world?

107
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,518
You heroes make me sick.

108
00:04:45,291 --> 00:04:47,696
Uh, sorry, I-I missed that last part,

109
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,564
'cause all I heard was, "You hero."

110
00:04:50,615 --> 00:04:53,814
Yeah, everything's funny
to the person on the fridge.

111
00:04:55,158 --> 00:04:57,204
Come on, are you really
gonna make this a thing?

112
00:04:57,229 --> 00:04:58,852
I'm not making it a thing.

113
00:04:58,877 --> 00:05:01,400
You're the one moonwalking
in the end zone.

114
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:04,133
Well, I think I deserve it.

115
00:05:04,158 --> 00:05:06,292
I mean, after all, I
did give birth to him.

116
00:05:07,699 --> 00:05:09,316
On a bed.

117
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,142
I had to stand in a cold delivery room

118
00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:14,243
for seven hours.

119
00:05:14,864 --> 00:05:16,980
Not to mention you got
$20,000 worth of drugs.

120
00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:18,618
I couldn't even get a Coke!

121
00:05:19,869 --> 00:05:22,903
I know, I crossed the line.

122
00:05:25,254 --> 00:05:28,061
So I'm gonna go sit in your chair

123
00:05:28,086 --> 00:05:29,419
and dream I never said it.

124
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,980
If it makes you feel any better,

125
00:05:39,004 --> 00:05:40,337
you're my hero.

126
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,556
Great. Can you stand in
front of my refrigerator

127
00:05:42,591 --> 00:05:44,867
and say that to everyone that walks by?

128
00:05:44,892 --> 00:05:46,510
Can I bring a stool?

129
00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:49,317
Look, all I'm saying is, if
it's not on a piece of paper,

130
00:05:49,342 --> 00:05:50,813
it doesn't help me.

131
00:05:51,055 --> 00:05:53,132
It's not too late to win Teddy over.

132
00:05:53,157 --> 00:05:54,632
He's a 12-year-old boy.

133
00:05:54,657 --> 00:05:57,766
All you have to do is save
the planet from aliens. Easy.

134
00:05:59,061 --> 00:06:01,626
I'm a little short on
aliens right now, Don.

135
00:06:01,971 --> 00:06:04,133
I'm just the idea man here.

136
00:06:05,602 --> 00:06:07,163
Afternoon, men.

137
00:06:07,188 --> 00:06:08,460
Hey, Pop, I'm ready.

138
00:06:08,485 --> 00:06:09,950
My tackle box is in the truck.

139
00:06:10,035 --> 00:06:12,202
- Where you guys going?
- Fishing.

140
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:13,670
When did you make this plan?

141
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:14,706
Last night at dinner.

142
00:06:14,757 --> 00:06:15,959
You guys had dinner?

143
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,928
Yeah, before bingo.

144
00:06:17,953 --> 00:06:19,510
You guys played bingo?

145
00:06:20,078 --> 00:06:21,211
Maybe get your ears checked.

146
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:22,874
You don't hear so good.

147
00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:23,630
Good one, Pop.

148
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:26,154
We'll laugh about that on the boat.

149
00:06:31,762 --> 00:06:33,065
Did you see that?

150
00:06:33,090 --> 00:06:35,410
They're going fishing without me.

151
00:06:35,435 --> 00:06:37,484
Well, maybe let your
dad and your brother

152
00:06:37,509 --> 00:06:38,959
not wanting to spend time with you

153
00:06:38,984 --> 00:06:41,819
take your mind off your
son not looking up to you.

154
00:06:44,451 --> 00:06:46,037
I could have said that better.

155
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,895
How could Teddy not think I'm his hero?

156
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,159
I'm the greatest man he's ever known.

157
00:06:52,845 --> 00:06:54,478
Maybe you're too humble.

158
00:06:55,363 --> 00:06:56,682
That's it.

159
00:06:56,762 --> 00:06:58,370
I am good at a lot of things,

160
00:06:58,395 --> 00:07:00,618
and one of the things I'm
best at is being humble.

161
00:07:02,043 --> 00:07:04,005
Oh. Uh-huh. Makes sense.

162
00:07:04,615 --> 00:07:06,129
See, the problem is,

163
00:07:06,154 --> 00:07:08,258
I haven't been showing
Teddy my best qualities.

164
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:10,511
He only sees me as Dad.

165
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:13,897
I need to show him
the man behind the dad.

166
00:07:13,983 --> 00:07:16,266
Well, until then, you're my hero,

167
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:18,166
and per your request, here it is,

168
00:07:18,191 --> 00:07:20,715
documented on paper.

169
00:07:21,293 --> 00:07:24,210
Thanks, Lowell, but it's
not really the same thing.

170
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,262
It does spruce up the office, though.

171
00:07:30,154 --> 00:07:32,666
Teddy, look what I found.

172
00:07:32,841 --> 00:07:37,474
The Adam Burns Golden Box
of Childhood Accomplishments.

173
00:07:37,615 --> 00:07:39,449
Huh?

174
00:07:39,474 --> 00:07:42,561
Isn't that the box Mom's
always asking you to throw away?

175
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,866
That's 'cause she's jealous.
Where's her box, huh?

176
00:07:44,890 --> 00:07:46,456
I didn't think so.

177
00:07:46,769 --> 00:07:47,598
You see,

178
00:07:47,683 --> 00:07:50,918
I don't think you know
who your old man really is.

179
00:07:50,943 --> 00:07:53,220
All right? Like, check this out.

180
00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:59,443
"Local 4-H boy saves cow,
delivers emergency calf."

181
00:07:59,765 --> 00:08:02,479
That boy, your dad.

182
00:08:02,836 --> 00:08:04,334
I believe a couple paragraphs down

183
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:07,304
they call me a hero.

184
00:08:08,490 --> 00:08:09,597
Whoa.

185
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,927
Exactly. Whoa.

186
00:08:12,572 --> 00:08:15,099
You put your hand up a cow's butt?

187
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,664
What? No. It wasn't the butt.

188
00:08:21,639 --> 00:08:23,356
What was it, then?

189
00:08:28,046 --> 00:08:30,830
Well, it's complicated.

190
00:08:31,392 --> 00:08:33,309
Why, what else is back there?

191
00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:40,373
Uh...

192
00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:43,282
Fine, it was the butt.

193
00:08:48,316 --> 00:08:50,182
Hey, did you find me a spider?

194
00:08:50,207 --> 00:08:52,146
Yeah. I can always find
one on the rowing machine

195
00:08:52,179 --> 00:08:54,673
that Marcy swore she
would use every day.

196
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:57,731
I think he was living
in her web of lies.

197
00:08:57,756 --> 00:09:00,521
Great, I'm gonna use
it to impress Teddy.

198
00:09:00,546 --> 00:09:03,576
My cow butt article didn't do anything.

199
00:09:03,857 --> 00:09:06,381
Then, I remembered that Teddy's
really scared of spiders.

200
00:09:06,406 --> 00:09:08,459
Now, I might not be able
to save him from aliens,

201
00:09:08,484 --> 00:09:10,047
but I can save him from one of those.

202
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:12,012
I'm glad you listened to
the smart guy for once.

203
00:09:13,328 --> 00:09:15,529
Whoa, almost drank a spider.

204
00:09:16,126 --> 00:09:17,280
Yeah, close one.

205
00:09:17,305 --> 00:09:18,912
- Mm.
- Now, listen.

206
00:09:18,937 --> 00:09:20,912
When Teddy comes down, you act scared,

207
00:09:20,937 --> 00:09:23,527
I'll kill the spider and
look like a hero. Huh?

208
00:09:23,612 --> 00:09:25,646
All right. Teddy, your snack is ready!

209
00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:26,647
Okay, let him go.

210
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:27,864
No, no, no, you do it.

211
00:09:27,889 --> 00:09:28,927
He saw my face when I grabbed him.

212
00:09:28,951 --> 00:09:30,342
He's already mad at me.

213
00:09:33,659 --> 00:09:35,409
There's nothing in here.

214
00:09:35,878 --> 00:09:37,011
Maybe he's on the lid.

215
00:09:37,036 --> 00:09:38,452
Whoa, it's on my hand!

216
00:09:39,271 --> 00:09:40,231
Where'd it go?

217
00:09:40,256 --> 00:09:42,107
- Where'd what go?
- There's a spider loose in here.

218
00:09:42,131 --> 00:09:44,073
What?! Where?!

219
00:09:45,034 --> 00:09:46,133
Why are you running to him?

220
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:47,134
Because it's on you.

221
00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,777
What?!

222
00:09:50,167 --> 00:09:51,296
What's going on?

223
00:09:51,321 --> 00:09:53,058
There was a spider on me, Andi.

224
00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:55,143
Wha...?

225
00:09:57,759 --> 00:09:59,142
Done.

226
00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:02,899
You used my Golden Accomplishment.

227
00:10:03,674 --> 00:10:05,844
That was incredible, Mom.
You really are a hero.

228
00:10:12,463 --> 00:10:15,362
I stood up the whole
time you were being born.

229
00:10:17,282 --> 00:10:19,155
She just laid there.

230
00:10:20,749 --> 00:10:22,577
High as a kite!

231
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,342
Hey, buddy.

232
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,799
You need a little help
with your homework?

233
00:10:31,824 --> 00:10:32,879
I'm an ace at it.

234
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,098
You might even call me a homework hero.

235
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,424
That'd be great; it's math.

236
00:10:37,449 --> 00:10:40,187
Okay... hit me.

237
00:10:41,309 --> 00:10:44,408
How do I factor a polynomial?

238
00:10:47,617 --> 00:10:50,034
Hey, you want to drive
my truck up the driveway?

239
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,310
What are we gonna do?

240
00:10:55,335 --> 00:10:57,979
- I said go right.
- I did go right.

241
00:10:58,049 --> 00:10:59,749
Your other right.

242
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:10,299
Ah, here comes Mom, she's gonna kill me.

243
00:11:10,324 --> 00:11:12,980
Wha... Okay, uh, all
right, you go in the house.

244
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,788
I'll take the hit.

245
00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:16,518
Which, if you have to
do another hero essay,

246
00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:18,041
might be something you think about!

247
00:11:21,343 --> 00:11:23,287
What happened to my chair?

248
00:11:23,312 --> 00:11:26,133
My inspiring chair?

249
00:11:26,523 --> 00:11:28,666
Well, uh, well, it told me to dream,

250
00:11:28,691 --> 00:11:32,276
so... I dozed off.

251
00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:35,108
Yeah. Your next chair should say

252
00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:37,477
"Don't leave me in the driveway."

253
00:11:37,929 --> 00:11:40,030
Mm-hmm. You know what I think happened?

254
00:11:40,055 --> 00:11:42,232
- Hmm?
- You're still so mad about that essay

255
00:11:42,318 --> 00:11:43,784
that you took it out on my chair.

256
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,820
Yeah, you are literally a dream crusher.

257
00:11:47,710 --> 00:11:49,156
That's not true.

258
00:11:49,181 --> 00:11:50,991
Okay, well, what other
explanation is there?

259
00:11:51,076 --> 00:11:52,542
Teddy did it.

260
00:11:55,187 --> 00:11:57,320
- You let Teddy drive?
- Wha...

261
00:11:57,345 --> 00:11:59,800
He can't even peel a banana.

262
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:03,136
He just squeezes it into
his mouth like a Go-Gurt.

263
00:12:03,691 --> 00:12:06,197
It was just up and down the driveway.

264
00:12:06,222 --> 00:12:08,376
How was I supposed to know
he'd be as bad at driving

265
00:12:08,401 --> 00:12:10,317
as he is at picking heroes?

266
00:12:11,972 --> 00:12:13,480
And there it is.

267
00:12:13,565 --> 00:12:15,877
I'm the dad, he should have picked me.

268
00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:19,686
I mean, yeah, I'm happy for you,
blah, blah, blah, you're great.

269
00:12:20,773 --> 00:12:21,989
But fathers and sons?

270
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:23,240
That's deep stuff.

271
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,338
There's hit songs about it.

272
00:12:25,363 --> 00:12:28,445
Uh, the... "Cat's in
the Cradle," "Danny Boy,"

273
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:32,745
that music they play
when Darth Vader walks in.

274
00:12:34,225 --> 00:12:36,536
Okay, but, honey, none of
this means you're a bad father.

275
00:12:36,561 --> 00:12:38,171
No, no.

276
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:39,840
It means I'm not even worth mentioning.

277
00:12:41,248 --> 00:12:42,459
You know what it's like?

278
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:46,013
If I am not his hero, what's the point?

279
00:12:46,317 --> 00:12:48,368
It's like I have no effect on him.

280
00:12:48,516 --> 00:12:51,022
Oh, hon... well, I don't
want you to feel like that.

281
00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:53,530
And it's not true. Uh, the other day,

282
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:56,523
I saw him drinking milk from
the carton in his underwear.

283
00:12:56,608 --> 00:12:57,704
Yeah.

284
00:12:58,649 --> 00:13:00,451
He didn't get that from me.

285
00:13:05,748 --> 00:13:08,739
All boys pick their
dads as their heroes.

286
00:13:08,764 --> 00:13:11,288
I wrote one of those
essays in school, too.

287
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:12,706
Come on, I'll show you.

288
00:13:13,231 --> 00:13:16,720
Oh, is this going to be
the golden box of kid junk?

289
00:13:17,832 --> 00:13:20,354
It's called the Adam Burns Golden Box

290
00:13:20,379 --> 00:13:22,793
of Childhood Accomplishments,
and you know it.

291
00:13:24,754 --> 00:13:25,923
Is this it?

292
00:13:27,826 --> 00:13:30,493
"Top ten ways I'm exactly
like Burt Reynolds."

293
00:13:33,095 --> 00:13:35,312
"Number one, awesome mustache."

294
00:13:38,847 --> 00:13:41,528
Wait, this is on a 2002 calendar.

295
00:13:41,553 --> 00:13:43,284
W-We were married then.

296
00:13:47,690 --> 00:13:49,081
Here it is.

297
00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:51,372
"'My Hero, ' by Adam Burns."

298
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:53,663
Now listen carefully. You listening?

299
00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:55,282
Yeah.

300
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:57,868
"My hero is a man of integrity

301
00:13:57,953 --> 00:14:01,038
who always takes the time
to make me feel special.

302
00:14:01,123 --> 00:14:03,590
His name is Ronald McDonald... " what?

303
00:14:06,741 --> 00:14:09,241
Your dad is Ronald McDonald?

304
00:14:11,426 --> 00:14:13,347
Why aren't we rich?

305
00:14:15,074 --> 00:14:17,604
I can't believe I didn't pick my dad.

306
00:14:18,235 --> 00:14:20,640
No wonder he doesn't take me fishing.

307
00:14:22,227 --> 00:14:24,694
All these years, his
feelings have been hurt.

308
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:27,114
Come on. You really
think he's so thin-skinned

309
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,316
that he would care about a school...

310
00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:31,818
No, that's... people
do that, that's a thing.

311
00:14:34,858 --> 00:14:38,158
Hey, Dad, uh, I'm glad you're here.

312
00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:40,794
I-I have something to
say to you and it's, uh,

313
00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:43,380
kind of, it's kind of delicate.

314
00:14:43,415 --> 00:14:45,499
If you've come to take your
mother and me to a home,

315
00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:47,605
then I hope you brought backup.

316
00:14:48,285 --> 00:14:51,505
No, no, I just wanted to
apologize for something.

317
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:55,342
When I was a kid, I wrote an
essay at school about my hero,

318
00:14:55,427 --> 00:15:00,478
and I didn't pick you, and
I am really, really sorry.

319
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,328
Son, I've been waiting to
hear you say those words

320
00:15:04,353 --> 00:15:05,969
for 40 years.

321
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:07,243
Really?

322
00:15:07,268 --> 00:15:09,573
No, I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.

323
00:15:10,087 --> 00:15:11,634
Yes, you do.

324
00:15:11,659 --> 00:15:13,504
In sixth grade, I picked Ronald McDonald

325
00:15:13,529 --> 00:15:15,028
as my hero instead of you.

326
00:15:15,114 --> 00:15:17,864
So what? I don't care
about being your hero.

327
00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:19,369
- You don't?
- No.

328
00:15:19,394 --> 00:15:20,682
Because I'm not Teddy's,

329
00:15:20,707 --> 00:15:22,119
and it's driving me crazy.

330
00:15:22,204 --> 00:15:24,838
It's like I'm not even there,
I have no effect on him.

331
00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:27,228
Oh, so you want to talk about feelings.

332
00:15:27,253 --> 00:15:28,753
Uh, well, your mother's at the mall.

333
00:15:28,792 --> 00:15:30,422
Maybe I can get her on speakerphone.

334
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,012
You know what, I-I'll handle it.

335
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,418
All right, all right, hold
your horses, little lady.

336
00:15:34,443 --> 00:15:35,805
Come back over here.

337
00:15:39,562 --> 00:15:40,875
Look.

338
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,399
Don't take this Teddy thing personally.

339
00:15:43,424 --> 00:15:47,611
Kids are... what's a
nice word for it? Dumb.

340
00:15:48,158 --> 00:15:50,703
They only look up to people
who tell them they're great

341
00:15:50,728 --> 00:15:53,116
when they're not, and
dads don't do that.

342
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:55,318
Well, no, it doesn't teach 'em anything.

343
00:15:55,343 --> 00:15:57,215
If we were supposed to
just hug 'em all the time,

344
00:15:57,239 --> 00:15:59,906
- they wouldn't make our faces so scratchy.
- Mm.

345
00:16:00,390 --> 00:16:03,243
My job as a father was to
make sure that when you went

346
00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:05,879
out in the world, you
wouldn't be a jackass.

347
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:07,714
I'm the guy that told
you you weren't funny.

348
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:10,750
And that's why today
you are a little funny.

349
00:16:11,749 --> 00:16:13,086
You think I'm funny?

350
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:14,812
A little, I said.

351
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,973
And you do the same with Teddy.

352
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:19,310
Yeah. I tell him what he's doing wrong,

353
00:16:19,335 --> 00:16:21,261
so when he grows up,
he'll do something right.

354
00:16:21,346 --> 00:16:25,458
Yeah. As I see it, I did
a better job at being a dad

355
00:16:25,483 --> 00:16:28,885
than my pop did, and you're
doing a better job than I did.

356
00:16:30,483 --> 00:16:32,239
- I'll take that.
- Hmm.

357
00:16:32,711 --> 00:16:35,825
Wait, so if you're not
mad about the essay,

358
00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:38,444
wh-why do you take
Don fishing and not me?

359
00:16:38,469 --> 00:16:41,331
He's tall. He makes a lot of shade.

360
00:16:41,366 --> 00:16:44,367
He's like sitting under a
tree that gets you beers.

361
00:16:44,898 --> 00:16:47,711
Also, he needs more coddling than you.

362
00:16:48,195 --> 00:16:50,959
Ha. He does. Baby.

363
00:16:50,984 --> 00:16:52,640
- He's such a baby.
- Yeah.

364
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:56,913
But if you want, we can talk
about how much I love you, son.

365
00:16:57,445 --> 00:16:58,498
Really?

366
00:16:58,523 --> 00:17:00,100
I oobie doobie love you so much.

367
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,269
Come and sit on Daddy's lap.

368
00:17:02,885 --> 00:17:05,305
Well, it was nice there for a second.

369
00:17:05,882 --> 00:17:08,133
A father's work is never done.

370
00:17:15,390 --> 00:17:17,827
Come on, we got a surprise for you.

371
00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:21,037
Teddy, show her what's
behind door number one.

372
00:17:21,343 --> 00:17:22,706
What door?

373
00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:25,825
Take off the sheet on your right.

374
00:17:26,386 --> 00:17:27,885
Your other right.

375
00:17:30,582 --> 00:17:33,667
Oh, my God, you fixed it.

376
00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:34,968
Oh, I love it.

377
00:17:34,993 --> 00:17:36,434
Yeah, well, wait, wait,
wait, there's more.

378
00:17:36,458 --> 00:17:37,540
Teddy, show her.

379
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,148
_

380
00:17:40,173 --> 00:17:42,676
Huh? We made a set.

381
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:46,062
"Just dream... of beer."

382
00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:47,897
- Now it says something.
- Aw.

383
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:49,768
- His and hers.
- Yeah.

384
00:17:49,793 --> 00:17:51,802
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah. Hey, uh, Teddy,

385
00:17:51,827 --> 00:17:53,587
will you go get a dust
rag out of the garage?

386
00:17:56,893 --> 00:17:59,640
Look, I just wanted to do
this to say I'm sorry for being

387
00:17:59,665 --> 00:18:02,375
a little high maintenance
about the hero thing.

388
00:18:02,614 --> 00:18:04,331
A little?

389
00:18:06,055 --> 00:18:08,201
It was like living with Mariah Carey.

390
00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:13,539
Hey, if moms get to
be their sons' heroes,

391
00:18:13,564 --> 00:18:17,177
then dads deserve the
right to be oversensitive.

392
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,796
You guys have had that for
centuries, it's our turn.

393
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:26,303
All right, then we get to
be the next 45 presidents.

394
00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:30,893
Fair enough.

395
00:18:34,752 --> 00:18:37,720
Hey, uh, I meant to tell you...

396
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:41,873
I am really proud of you
for writing that great essay

397
00:18:41,898 --> 00:18:42,902
about your mother.

398
00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:45,629
Thanks. My plan went perfectly.

399
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,193
What plan?

400
00:18:49,218 --> 00:18:52,495
Well, my teacher is a mom,
so when I had to pick a hero,

401
00:18:52,581 --> 00:18:54,214
I picked my mom.

402
00:18:54,531 --> 00:18:56,383
Like you always say,
you get what you want...

403
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:59,281
By knowing what other people want.

404
00:19:01,327 --> 00:19:03,506
Good job, buddy.

405
00:19:03,592 --> 00:19:05,508
Yeah, well...

406
00:19:09,170 --> 00:19:11,741
I guess we know who
your real hero is, huh?

407
00:19:11,766 --> 00:19:13,149
Oh, yeah.

408
00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:15,101
LeBron James.

409
00:19:19,162 --> 00:19:20,264
Great choice.

410
00:19:22,235 --> 00:19:24,107
I need to be alone for a minute.

411
00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:34,197
Strength, integrity,
coins behind my ear...

412
00:19:34,222 --> 00:19:36,113
that's my day, Joe Burns.

413
00:19:36,138 --> 00:19:38,285
And that's why he's my hero.

414
00:19:41,134 --> 00:19:44,259
That's beautiful. Never gets old, son.

415
00:19:44,673 --> 00:19:46,361
Hey, Adam. Why don't
you read Dad your essay

416
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:47,936
about him being your hero.

417
00:19:47,961 --> 00:19:49,882
You know I didn't write about Dad.

418
00:19:49,907 --> 00:19:52,436
Oh, that's right. Who did you pick?

419
00:19:52,461 --> 00:19:55,796
The Hamburgler, or-or
was it Marry McCheese?

420
00:19:56,756 --> 00:19:58,928
Dad only takes you
fishing for the shade.

421
00:19:59,155 --> 00:20:01,030
You're a beer tree.

422
00:20:01,248 --> 00:20:03,553
- What?
- Why are you causing trouble?

423
00:20:03,709 --> 00:20:05,553
A brother's work is never done.

424
00:20:06,826 --> 00:20:11,826
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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