1
00:00:02,090 --> 00:00:05,125
So, you guys have a big
anniversary coming up, huh?
2
00:00:05,127 --> 00:00:07,394
Yup. 20 years.
3
00:00:07,396 --> 00:00:09,095
20 years with Don.
Yeah.
4
00:00:09,097 --> 00:00:11,398
That is hard time.
5
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,532
ANDI:
You know, you might want
6
00:00:12,533 --> 00:00:13,665
to get her something
more romantic
7
00:00:13,668 --> 00:00:16,669
than last year's
Chipotle gift card.
8
00:00:16,671 --> 00:00:19,239
It was $19--
a dollar a year.
9
00:00:19,241 --> 00:00:22,375
It's not about
how much he spends on me.
10
00:00:22,377 --> 00:00:23,710
That's my girl.
11
00:00:23,712 --> 00:00:25,178
It's about finding a gift
that's thoughtful,
12
00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:26,813
meaningful, that shows
how well he knows me.
13
00:00:26,815 --> 00:00:30,050
Oh, so you want disappointment
for your anniversary.
14
00:00:30,052 --> 00:00:31,751
KATE:
Hey.
15
00:00:31,753 --> 00:00:33,686
Mom, can we go
to the mall tomorrow?
16
00:00:33,688 --> 00:00:35,722
I found the perfect outfit
for Saturday night.
17
00:00:35,724 --> 00:00:37,357
Oh, what's, uh...
what's Saturday night?
18
00:00:37,359 --> 00:00:38,124
My first date.
19
00:00:38,126 --> 00:00:40,627
What?
20
00:00:40,629 --> 00:00:42,462
Um, actually, honey,
21
00:00:42,464 --> 00:00:45,298
I-I haven't really discussed
that with your dad, yet.
22
00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:48,268
Oh. (laughs)
23
00:00:48,270 --> 00:00:50,437
Just remember, Daddy,
you're my hero.
24
00:00:50,439 --> 00:00:52,405
(chuckles)
25
00:00:52,407 --> 00:00:54,140
Buckle up, baby.
26
00:00:55,410 --> 00:00:56,776
Katie has a date Saturday night?
27
00:00:56,778 --> 00:00:59,212
When were you planning
on telling me about this?
28
00:00:59,214 --> 00:01:01,614
Sunday morning.
29
00:01:01,616 --> 00:01:05,552
We agreed she was not gonna date
until she's 35.
30
00:01:05,554 --> 00:01:09,823
No, you just said that one day
after we watched Teen Mom.
31
00:01:09,825 --> 00:01:11,858
She's almost 14.
Most of her friends
32
00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:13,493
have been dating for months.
33
00:01:13,495 --> 00:01:14,861
MARCY:
This is when it starts.
34
00:01:14,863 --> 00:01:16,796
I was 13
when I first went out with Don.
35
00:01:16,798 --> 00:01:18,131
Mm-hmm.
You hear that?
36
00:01:18,133 --> 00:01:20,800
Marcy could have been somebody.
37
00:01:20,802 --> 00:01:24,204
Come on, it's not like I'm
making her a child bride.
38
00:01:24,206 --> 00:01:28,374
She's just going out with that
nice boy from her class-- Royce.
39
00:01:28,376 --> 00:01:33,113
Royce? Royce-- with all the hair
and the wallet on a chain?
40
00:01:33,115 --> 00:01:36,683
What's a 13-year-old kid
need a wallet for anyway?
41
00:01:36,685 --> 00:01:37,484
Condoms.
42
00:01:37,486 --> 00:01:39,185
Don!
43
00:01:39,187 --> 00:01:40,753
No, he's right.
44
00:01:40,755 --> 00:01:42,155
You know, I've seen
that Royce kid around.
45
00:01:42,157 --> 00:01:43,690
He's a player.
46
00:01:43,692 --> 00:01:45,158
And you know this because?
47
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,560
Andi. Who are you talking to?
48
00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:48,862
Huh?
49
00:01:48,864 --> 00:01:50,797
I was 14 once.
I know the game.
50
00:01:50,799 --> 00:01:53,199
Right? You give the gals
a little bit of this,
51
00:01:53,201 --> 00:01:55,135
a little bit of that,
52
00:01:55,137 --> 00:01:56,836
and all the red lights
turn green!
53
00:01:56,838 --> 00:01:59,272
Oh, my God. (laughs)
54
00:01:59,274 --> 00:02:00,907
Trust me.
55
00:02:00,909 --> 00:02:03,343
I can spot my own kind.
56
00:02:03,345 --> 00:02:05,445
Yeah, we players know players.
Mm-hmm.
57
00:02:05,447 --> 00:02:07,914
Well, look, you're being
protective, all right?
58
00:02:07,916 --> 00:02:10,483
And-and I love that about you,
but we both know
59
00:02:10,485 --> 00:02:12,852
that you are not gonna like
anyone she dates.
60
00:02:12,854 --> 00:02:14,687
No. No, that's not it.
61
00:02:14,689 --> 00:02:17,590
My instincts are telling me
that this kid is no good.
62
00:02:17,592 --> 00:02:19,192
And I don't want Katie
dating him.
63
00:02:19,194 --> 00:02:20,827
Okay, well, I already
told her that she could.
64
00:02:20,829 --> 00:02:23,329
If it makes you feel
any better, I-I can...
65
00:02:23,331 --> 00:02:26,633
I can do a little of this. Huh?
66
00:02:26,635 --> 00:02:28,902
And a little bit of that.
67
00:02:38,513 --> 00:02:40,280
That's not how you do it.
68
00:02:41,883 --> 00:02:43,917
Okay, and you can't just
make a unilateral decision.
69
00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:46,519
We discuss things
in this family.
70
00:02:46,521 --> 00:02:50,290
Well, yes, usually, but, you
know, I knew you'd say no,
71
00:02:50,292 --> 00:02:52,392
and then, I'd veto your no,
so then I just thought, hey,
72
00:02:52,394 --> 00:02:55,862
(blows raspberry) why not
just cut out the middle man?
73
00:02:55,864 --> 00:02:58,298
Okay, well, first of all
(blows raspberry)
74
00:02:58,300 --> 00:02:59,699
I'm not the middle man.
75
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,434
Okay?
76
00:03:01,436 --> 00:03:03,203
I am the man.
77
00:03:04,472 --> 00:03:05,939
And second of all,
if you're going to unilaterally
78
00:03:05,941 --> 00:03:08,775
decide she can go, then
I'm going to unilaterally
79
00:03:08,777 --> 00:03:09,909
decide that your decision
80
00:03:09,911 --> 00:03:12,812
is caca.
81
00:03:12,814 --> 00:03:14,547
Oh, don't you remember
Romeo and Juliet?
82
00:03:14,549 --> 00:03:16,916
If you don't give your daughter
the freedom to date
83
00:03:16,918 --> 00:03:18,952
who she wants,
it does not end well.
84
00:03:18,954 --> 00:03:21,554
Oh. Well, don't you remember
those Taken movies?
85
00:03:21,556 --> 00:03:23,723
That's what happens when
you give your daughter freedom.
86
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:27,293
Taken, Andi. One, two,
three times they get taken.
87
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,968
¶ ¶
88
00:03:44,446 --> 00:03:45,778
Mwah. Okay, bye, guys.
In you go.
89
00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:47,680
Bye, Daddy.
Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye.
90
00:03:47,682 --> 00:03:49,449
Hey, Royce.
91
00:03:49,451 --> 00:03:50,750
What's up, girl?
(laughs)
92
00:03:52,921 --> 00:03:54,854
You see that?
He called her "girl."
93
00:03:54,856 --> 00:03:56,689
She has a name, Royce!
94
00:03:56,691 --> 00:03:59,525
Yeah, it's Kate.
Sometimes Katie.
95
00:03:59,527 --> 00:04:02,328
Ah, guys like that
never listen to me.
Yeah.
96
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,697
Hey, uh, Mrs. Rodriguez?
Mm?
97
00:04:04,699 --> 00:04:06,032
Um, what do you know
about that kid Royce
98
00:04:06,034 --> 00:04:07,834
that's always hanging around
Katie?
99
00:04:07,836 --> 00:04:08,901
Oh, he's one of my favorites.
100
00:04:08,903 --> 00:04:10,253
He's an honor roll student,
101
00:04:10,254 --> 00:04:11,604
started his own
dog-walking company,
102
00:04:11,606 --> 00:04:13,539
even works weekends at the mall.
103
00:04:13,541 --> 00:04:15,742
Oh, I see, huh?
He charmed you, too, huh?
104
00:04:15,744 --> 00:04:18,011
What'd he do, give you
a little bit of this
105
00:04:18,013 --> 00:04:19,846
little bit of that?
106
00:04:19,848 --> 00:04:21,314
Stop that.
What is that?
107
00:04:21,316 --> 00:04:25,385
There's children here,
for God sakes.
108
00:04:25,387 --> 00:04:27,387
I'm telling you, I have got
109
00:04:27,389 --> 00:04:29,689
a gut feeling that this kid is
no good. I just need proof.
110
00:04:29,691 --> 00:04:32,008
So what's the plan, chief?
111
00:04:32,009 --> 00:04:34,326
Well, first, keep calling
me "chief." I like that.
112
00:04:34,329 --> 00:04:35,728
Ooh, okay.
113
00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:37,630
These kids put everything
they do on the Internet.
114
00:04:37,632 --> 00:04:40,066
Maybe we can find
something on him there.
Oh, I'm your man.
115
00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:42,635
If there is dirty laundry about
Royce online, I'll find it.
116
00:04:42,637 --> 00:04:46,472
I'm like Russia, but with
the easy grace of France.
Oh.
117
00:04:46,474 --> 00:04:48,875
Well, I'm like America,
so let's go get a burger
118
00:04:48,877 --> 00:04:52,578
and stick our noses
where they don't belong.
119
00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:54,480
LOWELL:
Okay.
120
00:04:54,482 --> 00:04:58,051
I managed to uncover
Royce's public Instagram page.
121
00:04:58,053 --> 00:05:00,787
Lowell, I could
have done that.
122
00:05:00,789 --> 00:05:03,656
But then we wouldn't be
on this buddy adventure.
123
00:05:04,659 --> 00:05:07,360
Oh, look at this.
124
00:05:07,362 --> 00:05:09,395
Every picture,
he's with a different girl.
125
00:05:09,397 --> 00:05:12,532
I knew Royce was a dog.
I got to show this to Andi.
126
00:05:12,534 --> 00:05:14,634
Oh, that's my comput...
Okay, it's fine!
127
00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:27,080
You know, I just realized
we've never been alone together.
128
00:05:27,082 --> 00:05:29,882
You're an odd bird, aren't you?
129
00:05:29,884 --> 00:05:33,052
I have feelings, if that's
what you're getting at.
130
00:05:33,054 --> 00:05:37,690
Great, because I have a question
for somebody who has feelings.
131
00:05:37,692 --> 00:05:40,626
My anniversary is coming up, and
I have a gift in mind for Marcy.
132
00:05:40,628 --> 00:05:41,861
Let me run it by you.
133
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,596
Oh, I'm great at finding
the perfect gift.
134
00:05:43,598 --> 00:05:44,564
Hit me with it.
135
00:05:44,566 --> 00:05:46,532
A dirt bike.
136
00:05:46,534 --> 00:05:49,035
Why would you get Marcy
a dirt bike?
137
00:05:49,037 --> 00:05:52,472
Ah. Because secretly,
I want a dirt bike.
138
00:05:52,474 --> 00:05:54,374
Do you see where I'm going
with this?
139
00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:55,775
Uh-huh, uh huh.
Ah?
140
00:05:55,777 --> 00:05:59,779
Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?
141
00:05:59,781 --> 00:06:01,447
I don't wear much jewelry.
142
00:06:01,449 --> 00:06:02,815
For Marcy!
143
00:06:02,817 --> 00:06:04,984
Oh.
Let-Let's think about her.
144
00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:06,686
What does Marcy mean to you?
145
00:06:06,688 --> 00:06:09,655
She's the mother of my son
and the love of my life.
146
00:06:09,657 --> 00:06:11,791
Good! And when you
think of her, you feel?
147
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:13,593
Guilty.
148
00:06:13,595 --> 00:06:15,695
Something nice.
149
00:06:15,697 --> 00:06:17,397
Horny?
150
00:06:17,399 --> 00:06:18,664
Dear God.
151
00:06:18,666 --> 00:06:20,099
What other feelings are there?
152
00:06:20,101 --> 00:06:23,770
Nope. That's all of them.
153
00:06:25,673 --> 00:06:26,973
Whose computer is this?
154
00:06:26,975 --> 00:06:29,675
Will you pay attention?
155
00:06:29,677 --> 00:06:32,578
Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.
156
00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:34,814
Royce, girl.
Royce, two girls.
157
00:06:34,816 --> 00:06:38,017
Royce between two
half-naked girls.
158
00:06:38,019 --> 00:06:41,053
They're on a beach.
(scoffs)
159
00:06:41,055 --> 00:06:43,990
Read the hashtags.
#SavingaBeachedWhale.
160
00:06:43,992 --> 00:06:46,726
#SavingTheWorld.
#Peace.
161
00:06:46,728 --> 00:06:49,128
What a weirdo!
162
00:06:49,130 --> 00:06:50,730
Adam, you're grasping
at straws now.
163
00:06:50,732 --> 00:06:52,765
I'm telling you,
164
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:55,168
I have looked in this kid's
eyes, and they are black,
165
00:06:55,170 --> 00:06:57,703
like a shark looking for dinner.
166
00:06:57,705 --> 00:07:00,773
And Katie's just
like some cute seal
167
00:07:00,775 --> 00:07:02,975
flopping around on the beach.
with her mom telling her,
168
00:07:02,977 --> 00:07:06,045
"Go out in the water.
Play, yeah."
169
00:07:06,047 --> 00:07:07,947
He is gonna break her heart,
170
00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:10,783
and I'm not gonna sit back
and watch it happen.
171
00:07:10,785 --> 00:07:12,151
Okay but you can't
just go out on your own
172
00:07:12,153 --> 00:07:14,487
and start cyber-stalking
a 13-year-old.
173
00:07:14,489 --> 00:07:16,522
Oh, really?
174
00:07:16,524 --> 00:07:19,125
It sounds to me like you wish
we had discussed it first.
175
00:07:19,127 --> 00:07:20,226
Yeah.
176
00:07:20,228 --> 00:07:21,527
Well, I knew you'd say no,
177
00:07:21,529 --> 00:07:23,463
and then I'd veto your no,
178
00:07:23,465 --> 00:07:25,531
so I thought, hey,
why not cut out the middle man?
179
00:07:25,533 --> 00:07:26,766
Yeah, it doesn't
feel good, does it?
180
00:07:26,768 --> 00:07:30,503
Okay, first of all,
I am not the middle man.
181
00:07:30,505 --> 00:07:31,871
I'm the wife.
182
00:07:32,807 --> 00:07:33,806
Which means I can stay mad
183
00:07:33,808 --> 00:07:35,541
a lot longer than you can.
184
00:07:36,778 --> 00:07:38,778
And I have made
the unilateral decision
185
00:07:38,780 --> 00:07:40,947
that, mm,
you need to stay out of this.
186
00:07:40,949 --> 00:07:42,682
Well, then, I just made
the unilateral decision
187
00:07:42,684 --> 00:07:44,817
that I'm not gonna do
what you say.
188
00:07:44,819 --> 00:07:46,752
Yes, you will.
189
00:07:47,956 --> 00:07:51,491
Whose computer is this?
190
00:07:51,493 --> 00:07:52,825
ADAM:
Okay.
191
00:07:52,827 --> 00:07:54,827
Royce should be here
any minute.
192
00:07:54,829 --> 00:07:56,696
Mrs. Rodriguez told me
he had a dog-walking company,
193
00:07:56,698 --> 00:07:59,265
so I booked an appointment
online to get him to come over.
194
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:00,666
You know, scare him a little,
195
00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:02,835
show him the kind of dad
he'll be dealing with.
196
00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:04,704
Didn't Andi say
to stay out of it?
197
00:08:04,706 --> 00:08:06,239
Yeah, well, she's not in charge.
198
00:08:06,241 --> 00:08:08,074
And more importantly,
she's not here.
199
00:08:08,076 --> 00:08:10,810
All right,
what do you want me to do?
200
00:08:10,812 --> 00:08:12,278
Just back me up, all right?
201
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,614
Oh, you want me
to be the goon, huh?
202
00:08:15,583 --> 00:08:17,216
Don't worry. I know what to do.
203
00:08:17,218 --> 00:08:19,785
I'm not even allowed
in Chuck E. Cheese anymore.
204
00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:23,623
Oh, here, here, here.
205
00:08:23,625 --> 00:08:25,625
Good morning,
Mr. Burns.
Royce.
206
00:08:25,627 --> 00:08:28,594
Thanks for calling me.
You won't be sorry.
207
00:08:28,596 --> 00:08:31,731
When you book me,
you'll be a 100% satisfied.
208
00:08:33,268 --> 00:08:37,036
"Make the right choice.
Call Royce."
209
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:39,605
Is that what you tell
all the girls?
210
00:08:39,607 --> 00:08:40,806
What?
211
00:08:40,808 --> 00:08:41,874
Did he stutter?!
212
00:08:43,711 --> 00:08:46,779
Look, I actually
called you over here
213
00:08:46,781 --> 00:08:49,782
for a confidential
conversation, man-to-man.
214
00:08:49,784 --> 00:08:52,752
Nothing we talk about
can get back to Katie.
215
00:08:52,754 --> 00:08:55,288
All right? You know my wife,
you know my daughter.
216
00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:58,090
Now it's time for you
to get to know me.
217
00:08:58,092 --> 00:09:02,662
For instance, one of my hobbies
is I like to take walks
218
00:09:02,664 --> 00:09:05,031
in the woods and
bury things in holes.
219
00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:09,602
Sometimes I
take one thing,
220
00:09:09,604 --> 00:09:12,872
cut it up, and bury it
in different holes.
221
00:09:14,008 --> 00:09:15,808
Depends on my mood.
222
00:09:15,810 --> 00:09:18,077
He's moody!
223
00:09:22,717 --> 00:09:25,585
I guess what I really
wanted you to know is Katie
224
00:09:25,587 --> 00:09:30,222
is my little girl,
so you date Katie, you date me.
225
00:09:31,359 --> 00:09:34,727
You upset Katie,
you upset me.
226
00:09:34,729 --> 00:09:37,363
Okay? Now a lot of parents
these days are hands off,
227
00:09:37,365 --> 00:09:41,601
but me-- I'm more hands on.
228
00:09:41,603 --> 00:09:43,369
You see what I'm saying?
229
00:09:43,371 --> 00:09:45,104
He touches kids!
230
00:09:50,378 --> 00:09:52,778
I think that went pretty well
with Royce this morning.
231
00:09:52,780 --> 00:09:54,380
Yeah.
232
00:09:54,382 --> 00:09:57,917
There was a few hiccups
on your end, but...
233
00:09:57,919 --> 00:09:59,218
I think we guaranteed
234
00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:02,154
that Royce will be a perfect
gentleman on their date.
235
00:10:05,927 --> 00:10:07,760
What's wrong with her?
236
00:10:07,762 --> 00:10:09,028
Royce cancelled their date.
237
00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:10,363
What?
238
00:10:10,365 --> 00:10:13,199
Uh, did he happen
to mention why?
239
00:10:13,201 --> 00:10:15,234
No. No, he just,
he-he texted her
240
00:10:15,236 --> 00:10:17,269
and didn't explain anything.
241
00:10:17,271 --> 00:10:19,772
Oh, that's good.
242
00:10:19,774 --> 00:10:21,807
I mean, the why
isn't really important.
243
00:10:21,809 --> 00:10:23,943
What's important is that
we establish who's to blame,
244
00:10:23,945 --> 00:10:26,045
and that is Royce.
245
00:10:26,047 --> 00:10:27,980
Well, I am gonna call
Royce's mom,
246
00:10:27,982 --> 00:10:30,816
and we are gonna get
to the bottom of this.
What? No, no, no, no.
247
00:10:30,818 --> 00:10:33,386
You don't need to get
to the bottom of it.
248
00:10:33,388 --> 00:10:36,322
Let's stay at the top.
It's nice at the top, huh?
249
00:10:36,324 --> 00:10:39,959
The penthouse of life--
that's where we live.
250
00:10:39,961 --> 00:10:42,762
What?
Well, I'm just saying,
you're right.
251
00:10:42,764 --> 00:10:44,430
In fact, you're
always right.
252
00:10:44,432 --> 00:10:48,668
From now on, we should
do whatever you say.
253
00:10:51,305 --> 00:10:54,840
What did you do?
254
00:10:54,842 --> 00:10:57,343
Let me tell her, please.
Let me be the one to tell her.
255
00:11:04,285 --> 00:11:06,919
So you scared Royce
into cancelling their date?
256
00:11:06,921 --> 00:11:09,288
I scared Royce.
257
00:11:09,290 --> 00:11:10,856
And he cancelled their date.
258
00:11:10,858 --> 00:11:13,359
You can't prove the connection.
259
00:11:13,361 --> 00:11:14,760
Okay, well, good job, Adam,
260
00:11:14,762 --> 00:11:16,429
because your daughter
is heartbroken.
261
00:11:16,431 --> 00:11:19,732
You did the exact thing to her
that you said Royce would do.
262
00:11:19,734 --> 00:11:21,434
Yeah, but she thinks he did it.
263
00:11:22,804 --> 00:11:26,205
So I say now we do your thing
and just stay out of it.
264
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,306
Okay?
265
00:11:27,308 --> 00:11:28,741
I mean, we don't want
266
00:11:28,743 --> 00:11:31,177
to Romeo and Juliet this sucker.
267
00:11:31,179 --> 00:11:32,845
No, Adam, she blames herself.
268
00:11:32,847 --> 00:11:34,814
She thinks there's
something wrong with her.
269
00:11:34,816 --> 00:11:36,148
She doesn't know
that really
270
00:11:36,150 --> 00:11:38,751
there's just something
very, very wrong with you.
271
00:11:38,753 --> 00:11:41,320
But I'm her hero.
272
00:11:41,322 --> 00:11:42,955
Maybe you should take the rap
on this one.
273
00:11:42,957 --> 00:11:45,758
I'm going, I'm going.
274
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,026
(knocking)
275
00:11:48,863 --> 00:11:50,730
Hey, Katie.
276
00:11:51,799 --> 00:11:53,365
(clicks tongue)
277
00:11:56,137 --> 00:11:58,971
Look, honey, I know you think
this whole thing is your fault,
278
00:11:58,973 --> 00:12:00,740
but it isn't.
279
00:12:00,742 --> 00:12:02,308
The truth is...
280
00:12:02,310 --> 00:12:04,176
(sighs)
281
00:12:06,948 --> 00:12:11,450
The truth is, it's my...
feeling that it's Royce's fault.
282
00:12:11,452 --> 00:12:14,820
I mean, between saving
whales, walking dogs,
283
00:12:14,822 --> 00:12:17,223
he takes a selfie
every four seconds--
284
00:12:17,225 --> 00:12:19,859
he's just too into himself.
285
00:12:19,861 --> 00:12:22,061
How do you know
all that stuff about Royce?
286
00:12:22,063 --> 00:12:23,829
Uh...
287
00:12:23,831 --> 00:12:25,898
uh, that's a good question.
288
00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:28,300
I did not see that coming. Uh...
289
00:12:28,302 --> 00:12:31,804
What did you do?
290
00:12:31,806 --> 00:12:33,906
You know,
you are really starting
291
00:12:33,908 --> 00:12:35,975
to remind me of your mother.
292
00:12:36,844 --> 00:12:38,277
How'd it go?
293
00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:39,779
Not good.
294
00:12:39,781 --> 00:12:41,781
And now she knows
it's my fault.
295
00:12:41,783 --> 00:12:43,949
I blew it.
You know, from now on,
296
00:12:43,951 --> 00:12:45,951
you should just make
all the decisions.
297
00:12:45,953 --> 00:12:47,486
Wait.
298
00:12:47,488 --> 00:12:48,554
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
299
00:12:48,556 --> 00:12:50,823
Say that into my phone.
Oh, come on.
300
00:12:50,825 --> 00:12:53,859
Come on.
How are we gonna fix this?
301
00:12:53,861 --> 00:12:55,461
(sighs): Well...
302
00:12:55,463 --> 00:12:57,196
it's simple.
303
00:12:57,198 --> 00:13:00,800
We are gonna make the
decision, together...
304
00:13:00,802 --> 00:13:03,035
to go down to
the mall and...
305
00:13:03,037 --> 00:13:04,970
bag a teenage boy
to date our daughter.
306
00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,506
Fine, I'll do it.
307
00:13:07,508 --> 00:13:09,208
But I still think he's a player.
308
00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:11,443
He's not a player.
And I have news for you,
309
00:13:11,445 --> 00:13:14,213
you are not a player anymore,
either-- you are a dad.
310
00:13:14,215 --> 00:13:15,581
(gasps)
311
00:13:15,583 --> 00:13:17,583
You take that back!
Oh, come on.
312
00:13:17,585 --> 00:13:20,519
Take it back.
Take it back.
No. No.
313
00:13:20,521 --> 00:13:22,054
I'm a player.
314
00:13:22,056 --> 00:13:23,355
Okay.
315
00:13:25,226 --> 00:13:26,892
What's in here?
316
00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:28,294
Okay, this is Marcy's
favorite room.
317
00:13:28,296 --> 00:13:30,229
I'm only allowed in here
on special occasions,
318
00:13:30,231 --> 00:13:31,831
or after a bath.
319
00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,599
But these are
her most precious things.
320
00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:35,568
If I'm gonna help you find
the perfect gift,
321
00:13:35,570 --> 00:13:37,369
I need to understand
what makes Marcy tick.
322
00:13:37,371 --> 00:13:40,306
Oh, well, that's easy--
it's Chardonnay and revenge.
323
00:13:40,308 --> 00:13:41,607
Oh, I love those plates.
324
00:13:41,609 --> 00:13:43,576
Whoa, whoa, we shouldn't
be on the carpet.
325
00:13:43,578 --> 00:13:45,411
We have to leave this place
exactly as it was.
326
00:13:45,413 --> 00:13:46,846
Marcy will see those footprints.
327
00:13:48,216 --> 00:13:49,882
I came up with
this technique
328
00:13:49,884 --> 00:13:52,284
to get to the M&M's
she keeps in here.
329
00:13:52,286 --> 00:13:53,919
Careful.
330
00:13:53,921 --> 00:13:55,387
Careful. No touching,
no touching.
331
00:13:55,389 --> 00:13:56,922
Hey, I recognize these.
332
00:13:56,924 --> 00:13:59,291
These are Criscioni
commemorative plates.
333
00:13:59,293 --> 00:14:01,994
There's one for each month,
and she's missing December.
334
00:14:01,996 --> 00:14:03,262
She'll love it!
335
00:14:03,264 --> 00:14:04,964
And I only have to buy
one plate.
336
00:14:04,966 --> 00:14:06,899
So I'll have enough
for a dirt bike.
337
00:14:08,336 --> 00:14:10,035
Okay, okay, she'll know
338
00:14:10,037 --> 00:14:11,904
if it's a little off.
339
00:14:18,579 --> 00:14:20,279
(gasping)
340
00:14:21,349 --> 00:14:22,948
Oh.
341
00:14:31,926 --> 00:14:33,893
Hey, sport.
(chuckles)
342
00:14:33,895 --> 00:14:35,628
I'm friends with the mall cop.
343
00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:37,963
Come on. Relax, Royce.
344
00:14:37,965 --> 00:14:40,599
What I said this morning
was wrong.
345
00:14:40,601 --> 00:14:41,600
I should have just
346
00:14:41,602 --> 00:14:42,902
stayed out of it.
347
00:14:42,904 --> 00:14:44,203
And I probably would have
348
00:14:44,205 --> 00:14:45,638
if you didn't have
such ridiculous hair.
349
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,406
Do you even have a mirror
at home?
Oh, Adam.
350
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,540
What? What?
Adam...
351
00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:50,242
Stay focused.
352
00:14:50,244 --> 00:14:51,944
Okay.
353
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:53,946
(chuckles)
354
00:14:55,216 --> 00:14:58,918
Bottom line, Katie likes you
and you like her,
355
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,120
so...
356
00:15:01,122 --> 00:15:03,355
please take her out.
357
00:15:03,357 --> 00:15:05,424
But you threatened
to bury me in the woods.
358
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:06,926
You did what?
359
00:15:06,928 --> 00:15:09,194
He's paraphrasing.
360
00:15:09,196 --> 00:15:10,696
That's why
I cancelled.
361
00:15:10,698 --> 00:15:13,632
I would never come between
a father and a daughter.
362
00:15:13,634 --> 00:15:16,535
Oh, God,
this kid is great.
363
00:15:16,537 --> 00:15:18,304
Are you buying this crap?
He's playing you.
364
00:15:18,306 --> 00:15:19,438
Stop playing us.
Adam!
365
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,339
No.
366
00:15:20,341 --> 00:15:22,207
No. No. I know who you are.
367
00:15:22,209 --> 00:15:23,943
Okay? I was a player, too.
368
00:15:23,945 --> 00:15:25,978
And still am.
369
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:27,446
Okay?
Okay.
370
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:28,981
But I've been outvoted.
371
00:15:28,983 --> 00:15:30,616
So here's what's
gonna happen.
372
00:15:30,618 --> 00:15:33,018
You are gonna date my daughter,
whether you like it or not.
373
00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:35,120
'Cause I know where you live,
I know where you work,
374
00:15:35,122 --> 00:15:37,456
I will dig a deep hole,
and I'll...
Okay, okay,
375
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,224
okay, that's it,
that's enough, that's enough.
376
00:15:39,226 --> 00:15:40,225
Now...
377
00:15:40,227 --> 00:15:41,961
okay, what...
378
00:15:41,963 --> 00:15:44,196
Adam is trying to say is...
379
00:15:44,198 --> 00:15:46,231
we're just... we're really
impressed
380
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:48,634
by how mature and-and
caring you are.
381
00:15:48,636 --> 00:15:51,036
Wrong.
382
00:15:51,038 --> 00:15:53,706
We just think you're
an incredibly nice kid.
383
00:15:53,708 --> 00:15:55,574
Doubt it.
384
00:15:55,576 --> 00:15:58,344
And we would be thrilled
if you dated Katie.
385
00:15:58,346 --> 00:16:00,546
(blows raspberry)
Adam!
386
00:16:00,548 --> 00:16:02,614
I'm gonna make you
wait in the car.
387
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:09,088
So just, don't let us
spoil this for you.
388
00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:12,992
You know? So... what do you say?
389
00:16:12,994 --> 00:16:14,393
Okay, we'll go on the date.
390
00:16:14,395 --> 00:16:15,627
Oh, great!
391
00:16:15,629 --> 00:16:17,663
Surprise!
Hi. I'm Daphne.
392
00:16:17,665 --> 00:16:19,331
Royce's girlfriend.
393
00:16:19,333 --> 00:16:20,566
You must be his
grandparents.
394
00:16:20,568 --> 00:16:23,035
I've heard a lot about you.
395
00:16:24,739 --> 00:16:26,672
Excuse me?
396
00:16:26,674 --> 00:16:29,475
(louder): I said,
I've heard a lot about you.
397
00:16:31,045 --> 00:16:33,445
How dare you try to
date our daughter
398
00:16:33,447 --> 00:16:35,347
when you have a girlfriend!
399
00:16:35,349 --> 00:16:37,683
Wait, you asked
another girl out?
400
00:16:37,685 --> 00:16:39,018
I'm out of here.
401
00:16:44,458 --> 00:16:46,492
Listen to me, you...
402
00:16:46,494 --> 00:16:48,660
poofy-haired little rat.
403
00:16:49,663 --> 00:16:51,797
Get him, babe.
404
00:16:51,799 --> 00:16:54,767
I know where you live,
and I know where you work,
405
00:16:54,769 --> 00:16:57,269
and if you ever come
near our daughter again,
406
00:16:57,271 --> 00:16:58,303
I will come
407
00:16:58,305 --> 00:17:00,139
to the end of your rainbow
408
00:17:00,141 --> 00:17:02,107
and I will kick you
right in the tots.
409
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,177
A little free advice:
410
00:17:05,179 --> 00:17:07,212
never be afraid
of the crazy one,
411
00:17:07,214 --> 00:17:10,449
be afraid of the one
the crazy one's afraid of.
412
00:17:10,451 --> 00:17:11,750
(chuckling)
413
00:17:22,696 --> 00:17:24,630
(exhales):
Whew!
414
00:17:24,632 --> 00:17:26,598
You know what?
Hmm?
415
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,067
That was fun.
416
00:17:28,069 --> 00:17:29,068
(chuckles):
Yeah.
417
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:30,602
I like doing stuff with you.
418
00:17:30,604 --> 00:17:32,371
Me, too.
419
00:17:32,373 --> 00:17:34,239
You're a way better goon
than Don.
420
00:17:34,241 --> 00:17:35,808
Aw.
421
00:17:35,810 --> 00:17:37,242
Mwah.
(chuckles)
422
00:17:37,244 --> 00:17:38,644
And, uh...
423
00:17:38,646 --> 00:17:40,212
I have to admit,
424
00:17:40,214 --> 00:17:42,781
you were right about Royce.
425
00:17:42,783 --> 00:17:45,150
Oh, wait, wait,
say that into my phone. Wait.
426
00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:49,088
You're guys not
going to believe it.
427
00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:51,390
Royce was dating some girl
from another school,
428
00:17:51,392 --> 00:17:53,125
and now she's blasting him
all over Instagram.
429
00:17:53,127 --> 00:17:54,159
It's epic.
430
00:17:54,161 --> 00:17:57,162
Yeah, we did that.
431
00:17:57,164 --> 00:17:58,864
What?
Yeah, yeah, we went
down to the mall
432
00:17:58,866 --> 00:18:00,499
to talk to Royce
about your date.
433
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:02,434
Mm-hmm, yeah, and that's
when we met Daphne.
434
00:18:02,436 --> 00:18:03,769
Oh, my God!
435
00:18:03,771 --> 00:18:04,870
I can't believe
you guys would do that.
436
00:18:04,872 --> 00:18:07,206
That's-that's my personal life.
437
00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:08,240
Oh, Katie,
you're right,
438
00:18:08,242 --> 00:18:09,842
we didn't respect
your boundaries.
439
00:18:09,844 --> 00:18:12,177
And we never will.
440
00:18:13,414 --> 00:18:14,880
Yeah, it turns out
that the lesson
441
00:18:14,882 --> 00:18:16,215
from Romeo and Juliet is that
442
00:18:16,217 --> 00:18:18,484
the parents just
weren't strict enough.
443
00:18:18,486 --> 00:18:20,352
This is the worst apology ever.
444
00:18:20,354 --> 00:18:21,887
Oh, no, no,
it's not an apology.
445
00:18:21,889 --> 00:18:23,856
No, no, it's a warning
to any future boy
446
00:18:23,858 --> 00:18:26,658
that tries to date you.
447
00:18:26,660 --> 00:18:28,727
We're gonna cyber-stalk them,
and interrogate them.
448
00:18:28,729 --> 00:18:30,662
Yeah, and let them know
that, if they date you,
449
00:18:30,664 --> 00:18:32,698
we'll be watching.
450
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:34,500
But if you do that,
no one will ever want to.
451
00:18:34,502 --> 00:18:37,202
Then we'll have done our job.
452
00:18:37,204 --> 00:18:38,303
(sighs)
453
00:18:40,141 --> 00:18:41,507
(chuckles)
454
00:18:42,543 --> 00:18:44,209
(sniffs, then groans)
455
00:18:44,211 --> 00:18:45,844
Oh.
(chuckles)
456
00:18:45,846 --> 00:18:48,280
Mwah.
(sniffs)
457
00:18:48,282 --> 00:18:51,783
You know, s-she'll make us
pay for this when we're old.
458
00:18:51,785 --> 00:18:53,252
Yeah.
459
00:18:53,254 --> 00:18:54,620
When the time comes,
460
00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:56,755
that one is gonna be
quick to pull the plug.
461
00:19:03,797 --> 00:19:06,832
I can't believe Marcy got you a
dirt bike for your anniversary.
462
00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:08,800
And that she can
bring it in here,
463
00:19:08,802 --> 00:19:10,702
but I had to leave my beer
in the hall.
464
00:19:10,704 --> 00:19:13,572
(chuckles)
It was the perfect place
to hide it last night
465
00:19:13,574 --> 00:19:16,508
because I knew Don wouldn't
dare come in this room.
466
00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:18,610
If you got Marcy another
fast food gift card,
467
00:19:18,612 --> 00:19:20,746
I suggest you ride off
on this thing right now.
468
00:19:20,748 --> 00:19:22,814
(chuckles)
Oh, no, no,
I love my girl.
469
00:19:22,816 --> 00:19:25,784
She's getting something
very special.
470
00:19:25,786 --> 00:19:27,753
Here you go, baby.
Oh!
(gasps)
471
00:19:27,755 --> 00:19:29,788
Hey, I thought
you broke those.
472
00:19:29,790 --> 00:19:32,291
I had to buy a whole
new set. Cost a fortune.
473
00:19:32,293 --> 00:19:35,294
(gasps) You got me
my missing plate!
474
00:19:35,296 --> 00:19:39,364
Honey, I never knew you
even noticed my Criscionis.
475
00:19:39,366 --> 00:19:41,967
Oh, baby, I love
your crispy ponies.
Oh.
476
00:19:41,969 --> 00:19:43,802
Okay.
477
00:19:43,804 --> 00:19:45,270
Aw.
(gasps)
478
00:19:45,272 --> 00:19:48,640
Now my collection
is complete.
479
00:19:48,642 --> 00:19:49,875
Okay, I can't wait anymore,
480
00:19:49,877 --> 00:19:51,443
I got to take this girl
for a spin.
481
00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:54,279
No!
482
00:19:58,819 --> 00:20:02,588
Uh... so does this mean I can
bring my beer in here now?