1
00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:04,190
I cannot believe the kids are
still asleep on a Sunday.
2
00:00:04,192 --> 00:00:06,059
I know, this is nice.
3
00:00:06,061 --> 00:00:07,727
Just the two of us.
4
00:00:07,729 --> 00:00:08,762
Hmm.
5
00:00:08,764 --> 00:00:09,696
It's romantic, even.
6
00:00:09,698 --> 00:00:12,065
(both laugh)
7
00:00:12,067 --> 00:00:13,333
What's that?
8
00:00:14,603 --> 00:00:16,236
My hand-- too early?
9
00:00:16,238 --> 00:00:19,239
No, no, that's your parents' RV.
10
00:00:19,241 --> 00:00:20,674
What?
11
00:00:20,675 --> 00:00:22,108
I thought they were driving
around the country,
12
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:24,077
going 40 in the fast lane
and wearing
13
00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:26,079
giant sunglasses
over their regular glasses.
14
00:00:26,081 --> 00:00:29,182
Well, my mom called me
from Santa Fe last week.
15
00:00:29,184 --> 00:00:32,752
All she talked about was buying
salsa from a nice Mexican lady.
16
00:00:32,754 --> 00:00:35,155
Why do they always have
to mention the ethnicity
17
00:00:35,157 --> 00:00:36,356
of the people in their stories?
18
00:00:36,358 --> 00:00:38,124
Because they're
old white people.
19
00:00:39,227 --> 00:00:41,795
That's what they do.
20
00:00:41,797 --> 00:00:43,463
Oh, man, that's what I just did.
21
00:00:43,465 --> 00:00:46,399
Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa,
where are you going?
22
00:00:46,401 --> 00:00:49,069
To welcome them.
(muttering):
Oh, oh, wait. Oh, oh.
23
00:00:49,071 --> 00:00:51,237
Before you go out there,
I should probably mention
24
00:00:51,239 --> 00:00:53,373
that I never told them
about you going back to work
25
00:00:53,375 --> 00:00:54,774
and me watching the kids.
26
00:00:54,776 --> 00:00:56,776
What? Well, why not?
27
00:00:56,778 --> 00:00:59,245
I knew if I told them, I would
never hear the end of it.
28
00:00:59,247 --> 00:01:01,214
Plus, I thought maybe
by the time they got back,
29
00:01:01,216 --> 00:01:02,515
this whole thing with you
going back to work
30
00:01:02,517 --> 00:01:04,184
would've blown over.
31
00:01:04,186 --> 00:01:05,285
My dreams and aspirations
32
00:01:05,287 --> 00:01:07,153
would've just blown over?
33
00:01:07,155 --> 00:01:09,222
Yeah, things blow over.
34
00:01:09,224 --> 00:01:11,357
Like the way you're
feeling right now.
35
00:01:11,359 --> 00:01:12,859
Blow it over!
36
00:01:12,861 --> 00:01:14,294
(door opens)
37
00:01:14,296 --> 00:01:16,329
Oh, there they are!
Mom, Dad,
38
00:01:16,331 --> 00:01:17,831
what a surprise.
Hi, Joe.
39
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:19,232
Ah!
40
00:01:19,234 --> 00:01:20,700
Mmm. Good to see you.
41
00:01:20,702 --> 00:01:22,235
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh.
42
00:01:22,237 --> 00:01:24,104
(laughing)
Look at you.
43
00:01:24,106 --> 00:01:25,839
Hi, Bev.
(laughing)
44
00:01:25,841 --> 00:01:29,275
Oh, come on. You don't kiss
an Italian mama on the cheek.
45
00:01:29,277 --> 00:01:31,211
The lips-- we want the lips.
Oh, okay.
46
00:01:31,213 --> 00:01:33,146
Ah, look at your wife.
47
00:01:33,148 --> 00:01:35,181
She gets prettier every
day, like that actress.
48
00:01:35,183 --> 00:01:37,217
Bev, what's her name?
From the movies.
49
00:01:37,219 --> 00:01:39,319
Catherine Zeta Jones.
No, the one with teeth.
50
00:01:39,321 --> 00:01:41,221
They all have teeth.
51
00:01:41,223 --> 00:01:43,123
Uh, Julia Roberts!
52
00:01:43,125 --> 00:01:44,591
You look just like
Julia Roberts.
53
00:01:44,593 --> 00:01:47,360
Oh, come on.
(scoffs)
54
00:01:47,362 --> 00:01:49,496
You know, maybe a little.
55
00:01:49,498 --> 00:01:51,431
And you.
56
00:01:51,433 --> 00:01:53,500
Well, you're doing
the best you can.
57
00:01:53,502 --> 00:01:57,137
But you really punched
above your weight with this one.
58
00:01:57,139 --> 00:01:59,506
So, uh, what are you guys
doing back in Pittsburgh?
59
00:01:59,508 --> 00:02:01,241
It's just a pit stop
on our way
60
00:02:01,243 --> 00:02:03,143
to see the world's
largest Hershey bar.
61
00:02:03,145 --> 00:02:05,278
It's as big as a table.
62
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,280
A small table.
Yeah.
63
00:02:07,282 --> 00:02:11,284
Or a large book, but we still
want to see it for some reason.
64
00:02:11,286 --> 00:02:12,785
Oh, and Dad's back
needed a rest.
65
00:02:12,787 --> 00:02:15,288
Those roads are
full of potholes.
Yeah.
66
00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:18,491
Thanks, Obama.
67
00:02:18,493 --> 00:02:21,227
Oh, by the way, your mailbox
jumped out in front of me
68
00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:22,562
on the way in.
It didn't make it.
69
00:02:27,502 --> 00:02:29,202
Did you bring us any presents?
70
00:02:29,204 --> 00:02:31,304
Of course we did.
You got the bag, Bev.
71
00:02:31,306 --> 00:02:33,306
Ooh, let's see.
72
00:02:33,308 --> 00:02:36,543
For Teddy, take a look at this.
73
00:02:36,545 --> 00:02:38,244
ADAM:
Oh, I had
74
00:02:38,246 --> 00:02:40,380
one of those, Teddy.
It's a switchblade comb.
75
00:02:41,383 --> 00:02:44,784
Or just a switchblade.
76
00:02:44,786 --> 00:02:46,686
Wow! Thanks!
77
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:47,854
Wow!
78
00:02:47,856 --> 00:02:49,189
Thanks!
79
00:02:49,191 --> 00:02:51,191
Yeah, a knife for my son
80
00:02:51,193 --> 00:02:54,260
who cut himself
on a Hula-Hoop.
81
00:02:54,262 --> 00:02:58,298
And, Kate, how about
some genuine Kentucky fireworks?
82
00:02:58,300 --> 00:02:59,766
(laughs)
83
00:03:01,236 --> 00:03:02,802
Whoa, these are bottle rockets!
Mm.
84
00:03:02,804 --> 00:03:05,371
It's about to get real, Teddy.
85
00:03:05,373 --> 00:03:07,540
We haven't forgotten
about you, Peanut.
86
00:03:07,542 --> 00:03:09,309
Oh!
Bring him out, Bev.
87
00:03:09,311 --> 00:03:10,710
Him?
88
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:12,245
Mm-hmm.
89
00:03:12,247 --> 00:03:13,813
A turtle. Yay!
90
00:03:13,815 --> 00:03:15,415
Yeah, that's
an endangered tortoise
91
00:03:15,417 --> 00:03:17,250
we found on the side
of the road.
92
00:03:17,252 --> 00:03:20,253
It was hard to get that little
electronic tag off it,
93
00:03:20,255 --> 00:03:22,689
but luckily, we had
Teddy's switchblade.
94
00:03:24,392 --> 00:03:25,758
Okay, why don't you
guys run upstairs,
95
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:27,360
and Mommy and I will
96
00:03:27,362 --> 00:03:29,462
donate these
to needy criminal children.
97
00:03:29,464 --> 00:03:31,331
Your parents are
a couple of squares!
98
00:03:32,901 --> 00:03:35,301
Mom! Dad!
99
00:03:35,303 --> 00:03:38,271
Oh, who is
this handsome guy?
100
00:03:38,273 --> 00:03:40,473
Is it Tom Selleck or my son?
101
00:03:40,475 --> 00:03:42,408
It's me! It's Don!
102
00:03:42,410 --> 00:03:43,643
(laughs)
103
00:03:43,645 --> 00:03:45,311
Tom Selleck?
104
00:03:45,313 --> 00:03:47,647
I've eaten Cheetos that
look more like Tom Selleck.
105
00:03:47,649 --> 00:03:49,282
They think I look
like Julia Roberts.
106
00:03:49,284 --> 00:03:50,650
(groans)
107
00:03:50,652 --> 00:03:53,620
Joe, Bev, so great
that you're back!
108
00:03:53,622 --> 00:03:55,388
Oh, well, don't worry.
109
00:03:55,390 --> 00:03:56,489
We won't be expecting
to stay at your house.
110
00:03:56,491 --> 00:03:57,857
We know you like
your privacy.
111
00:03:57,859 --> 00:04:00,493
Oh, Bev,
that was almost 20 years ago.
112
00:04:00,495 --> 00:04:02,362
Was it? Wow.
113
00:04:02,364 --> 00:04:04,264
Seems like yesterday.
114
00:04:04,266 --> 00:04:06,933
Joe, do you remember when
Marcy put us up in a hotel
115
00:04:06,935 --> 00:04:08,768
instead of letting
us stay with them?
116
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:10,336
Like it was yesterday.
See?
117
00:04:11,439 --> 00:04:12,605
So how's the road trip going?
118
00:04:12,607 --> 00:04:14,374
Have a seat.
Oh.
119
00:04:14,376 --> 00:04:16,009
Culturally speaking, it's
been quite an education.
120
00:04:16,011 --> 00:04:17,410
Yeah.
121
00:04:17,412 --> 00:04:18,911
We have seen some things.
Oh.
122
00:04:18,913 --> 00:04:22,448
We stopped
at a gas station in Arizona.
123
00:04:22,450 --> 00:04:24,951
They got five different
flavors of jerky.
Hmm.
124
00:04:24,953 --> 00:04:27,420
You just don't see that
on the East Coast.
No.
125
00:04:27,422 --> 00:04:28,888
No. They even had teriyaki.
126
00:04:28,890 --> 00:04:30,890
Very exotic.
Yeah.
127
00:04:30,892 --> 00:04:34,394
You know, all jerky's made
in China now, right?
128
00:04:34,396 --> 00:04:36,729
Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that.
BEV: Mm-hmm.
129
00:04:36,731 --> 00:04:38,331
Yeah, they're just
rubbing it in our faces
130
00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:41,534
with this teriyaki stuff.
131
00:04:41,536 --> 00:04:43,303
So, what's new
around here?
132
00:04:43,305 --> 00:04:44,537
Oh, well, um,
Adam's got some
133
00:04:44,539 --> 00:04:46,639
fun news to tell you about,
right, honey?
134
00:04:46,641 --> 00:04:47,640
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
135
00:04:47,642 --> 00:04:49,309
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
136
00:04:49,311 --> 00:04:50,443
No, I don't. No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
137
00:04:50,445 --> 00:04:52,312
I will keep going.
Oh. Fine.
138
00:04:53,615 --> 00:04:56,716
Uh, yeah, uh, Andi has gone
back to work at the lab,
139
00:04:56,718 --> 00:04:59,652
so I'm taking care of the
kids after school and stuff.
140
00:04:59,654 --> 00:05:01,321
You're taking care
of the kids?
141
00:05:01,323 --> 00:05:02,622
Like a nanny?
142
00:05:02,624 --> 00:05:03,856
(chuckles)
143
00:05:03,858 --> 00:05:05,892
No, like a father.
144
00:05:05,894 --> 00:05:07,327
If the father's a nanny.
145
00:05:07,329 --> 00:05:08,728
(laughter)
146
00:05:08,730 --> 00:05:11,397
You got the looks
and the funny.
147
00:05:11,399 --> 00:05:12,832
BEV:
Well, why shouldn't
148
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:15,401
the man watch the kids
and the woman work?
149
00:05:15,403 --> 00:05:17,870
I mean, I'm a woman,
and I'm many things.
150
00:05:17,872 --> 00:05:20,873
A wife, a mother,
a tender lover.
151
00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:22,542
No. No. No, no. No.
152
00:05:22,544 --> 00:05:26,045
I think what you two are doing
is very modern.
153
00:05:26,047 --> 00:05:29,015
Andi, I'm proud of you.
154
00:05:29,017 --> 00:05:30,383
Oh. Thanks, Bev.
155
00:05:30,385 --> 00:05:31,551
You're like a daughter to me.
156
00:05:31,553 --> 00:05:32,452
Oh.
157
00:05:32,454 --> 00:05:34,754
My one daughter.
158
00:05:34,756 --> 00:05:36,823
Come on, Bev.
You've got two daughters.
159
00:05:36,825 --> 00:05:38,057
Thank you, Joe.
160
00:05:38,059 --> 00:05:40,426
I meant Adam now that
he's watching the kids.
161
00:05:42,364 --> 00:05:44,464
You see what happens
when I tell him stuff, huh?!
162
00:05:44,466 --> 00:05:47,533
Okay, honey, relax, okay?
163
00:05:47,535 --> 00:05:49,369
I mean, in a few days, they'll
be off to see the world's
164
00:05:49,371 --> 00:05:51,437
slightly-larger-than-average
chocolate bar.
165
00:05:51,439 --> 00:05:52,672
It'll be...
(mutters)
166
00:05:52,674 --> 00:05:55,375
Uh, we were talking.
We're thinking we might
167
00:05:55,377 --> 00:05:56,876
stop our road trip.
168
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,379
Uh-oh.
169
00:05:59,381 --> 00:06:01,514
To stay and help
with the kids.
170
00:06:01,516 --> 00:06:04,550
Yeah. We just want you
to have your dignity back.
171
00:06:04,552 --> 00:06:06,452
But you guys sold your house.
172
00:06:06,454 --> 00:06:08,121
You don't have
any place to live.
173
00:06:08,123 --> 00:06:09,622
We've got the RV.
174
00:06:09,624 --> 00:06:12,592
We can live right
in your driveway!
175
00:06:12,594 --> 00:06:14,927
Our driveway!
176
00:06:14,929 --> 00:06:18,698
Andi, they want
to live in our driveway.
177
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,833
I heard them.
178
00:06:20,835 --> 00:06:22,468
Yeah, we just have
to work out a few kinks
179
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:25,004
with the septic runoff,
and we'll be good to go.
180
00:06:28,109 --> 00:06:30,576
¶ ¶
181
00:06:41,890 --> 00:06:43,556
Oh, Ma, this cannoli's great.
182
00:06:43,558 --> 00:06:45,892
You keep feeding me like this,
I'm gonna get fat.
183
00:06:45,894 --> 00:06:48,127
Oh, not you.
You're skin and bone.
184
00:06:48,129 --> 00:06:50,963
Oh. You're a good mother.
185
00:06:50,965 --> 00:06:52,799
Now, what's different?
186
00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:55,001
I had to use different lard.
187
00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:57,970
The company I liked
went out of business.
188
00:06:57,972 --> 00:07:01,107
Thanks, Obama.
189
00:07:01,109 --> 00:07:03,042
Dad, he's not even president
anymore.
190
00:07:03,044 --> 00:07:04,710
He knows what he did.
191
00:07:05,747 --> 00:07:07,647
So,
192
00:07:07,649 --> 00:07:09,549
have you two thought
about our offer?
193
00:07:10,752 --> 00:07:12,051
Uh...
194
00:07:12,053 --> 00:07:13,653
Oh, you know what?
195
00:07:13,655 --> 00:07:15,555
We don't want to take
advantage of you.
196
00:07:15,557 --> 00:07:17,123
I mean, what about
the rest of your trip?
197
00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:19,659
Seeing the country after
Joe retired was your dream.
198
00:07:19,661 --> 00:07:22,028
Five months in that box
on wheels is plenty.
199
00:07:23,598 --> 00:07:24,864
The shower is so small,
200
00:07:24,866 --> 00:07:27,500
you can't even wash
both sides of you.
201
00:07:27,502 --> 00:07:29,902
You got to pick one--
the front or the back.
202
00:07:29,904 --> 00:07:31,671
It's a real Sophie's Choice.
203
00:07:32,807 --> 00:07:34,607
Yeah, but you guys
got better things
204
00:07:34,609 --> 00:07:35,775
to do than hang
around here.
205
00:07:35,777 --> 00:07:36,943
You should be out
with your friends,
206
00:07:36,945 --> 00:07:38,511
talking about the good old days
207
00:07:38,513 --> 00:07:40,646
before the wheel was invented.
208
00:07:40,648 --> 00:07:42,815
Hmm. Our friends
are either dead,
209
00:07:42,817 --> 00:07:44,984
or living in one
of those old folks homes.
210
00:07:44,986 --> 00:07:47,620
We visited a few
on our swing through Florida.
211
00:07:47,622 --> 00:07:50,623
Yeah, it's where you go to die.
212
00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:54,927
One place we went-- they sold
caskets right in the lobby.
213
00:07:54,929 --> 00:07:56,662
Honey, I think
those were planters.
214
00:07:56,664 --> 00:07:58,030
People planters!
215
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:01,000
I liked that place.
216
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,635
One night in the dining hall,
217
00:08:02,637 --> 00:08:05,538
I watched this Cuban man
eat a baked potato.
218
00:08:05,540 --> 00:08:08,908
It was just fascinating.
219
00:08:08,910 --> 00:08:12,144
Ma, why do you have
to say the guy was Cuban?
220
00:08:12,146 --> 00:08:14,514
He was Cuban.
It makes a good story.
221
00:08:14,516 --> 00:08:17,183
I mean, if I just say
a man's eating a potato,
222
00:08:17,185 --> 00:08:18,985
I got nothing, snoozefest.
223
00:08:18,987 --> 00:08:21,053
So what do you say?
224
00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:23,823
Are we living
in your driveway or not?
225
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,662
Uh...
226
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:34,567
Yes, great. Please stay.
227
00:08:34,569 --> 00:08:35,968
Oh, great! Hooray.
228
00:08:35,970 --> 00:08:37,870
Oh, it's gonna be wonderful!
Oh, yes.
229
00:08:37,872 --> 00:08:40,973
Adam and I are gonna be talking
about how wonderful this is
230
00:08:40,975 --> 00:08:42,542
long, long into the night.
231
00:08:44,212 --> 00:08:47,813
"Yes, great.
Please stay."
232
00:08:47,815 --> 00:08:50,182
What was I supposed to say,
honey? They're my parents.
233
00:08:50,184 --> 00:08:53,786
And, you know, this could
actually be really great timing.
234
00:08:53,788 --> 00:08:55,021
Don and I have
that mini mall job.
235
00:08:55,023 --> 00:08:57,590
We're a lot busier.
I could use the help.
236
00:08:57,592 --> 00:08:59,258
Honey, you know
I love your parents,
237
00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:02,728
but they're just not the moral
compass I want for our kids.
238
00:09:02,730 --> 00:09:05,965
I mean, those cannolis
were not Obama's fault.
239
00:09:05,967 --> 00:09:09,669
Well, that stuff goes
right over the kids' heads.
240
00:09:09,671 --> 00:09:11,671
Okay, can we at least
give it a trial run?
241
00:09:11,673 --> 00:09:13,172
How bad could it be?
242
00:09:13,174 --> 00:09:16,709
Well, I think the
Titanic was a trial run.
243
00:09:16,711 --> 00:09:19,278
Come on. They know
how to raise kids.
244
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,348
They raised me,
and I'm fantastic.
245
00:09:22,350 --> 00:09:24,684
Well, you're humble.
I'll give you that.
246
00:09:24,686 --> 00:09:26,686
Look, I will talk to them,
247
00:09:26,688 --> 00:09:28,754
and make sure
they do everything the way I do.
248
00:09:28,756 --> 00:09:31,591
Oh, the way we do.
The way you do.
249
00:09:31,593 --> 00:09:35,695
All right, fine. I'll
give you your trial run.
250
00:09:35,697 --> 00:09:38,965
It's what Julia
Roberts would do.
251
00:09:40,902 --> 00:09:43,002
JOE:
All right!
252
00:09:43,004 --> 00:09:44,303
Bye, Grandma.
Oh, I love you so much.
253
00:09:44,305 --> 00:09:46,706
(overlapping chatter)
All right, bye.
254
00:09:46,708 --> 00:09:48,374
Bye-bye.
Okay, listen.
255
00:09:48,376 --> 00:09:50,042
Meet the kids here
at 3:00 sharp,
256
00:09:50,044 --> 00:09:51,911
and give 'em a snack, or
they turn into maniacs.
257
00:09:51,913 --> 00:09:54,046
But not candy,
or they turn into maniacs.
258
00:09:54,048 --> 00:09:56,382
And make 'em start on
their homework right away,
259
00:09:56,384 --> 00:09:58,884
or they'll just run
around like maniacs.
260
00:09:58,886 --> 00:10:00,886
Basically, they're maniacs.
261
00:10:00,888 --> 00:10:03,189
And I can't believe
I have to say this,
262
00:10:03,191 --> 00:10:06,392
but no weapons
and no explosives.
263
00:10:06,394 --> 00:10:10,062
Relax. We raised you,
and you turned out fantastic.
264
00:10:10,064 --> 00:10:12,164
That's what I said!
265
00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:14,367
All right, keep it
moving, Burns. Let's go.
266
00:10:14,369 --> 00:10:16,035
Oh. Who are these
youngsters?
267
00:10:16,037 --> 00:10:17,737
ADAM: Oh, uh, my parents,
Bev and Joe.
268
00:10:17,739 --> 00:10:21,107
Mom, Dad, this is, uh,
Emme's teacher, Mrs. Rodriguez.
269
00:10:21,109 --> 00:10:23,175
Ooh, Rodriguez!
270
00:10:23,177 --> 00:10:24,076
Mom.
271
00:10:24,078 --> 00:10:25,778
Are you from Mexico?
272
00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:27,713
Actually, I'm from
Philadelphia.
273
00:10:27,715 --> 00:10:30,816
Oh, fascinating.
Now, do you eat baked potatoes?
274
00:10:30,818 --> 00:10:32,251
Okay, okay! Okay, Emme,
why don't you show Grandma
275
00:10:32,253 --> 00:10:34,020
and Grandpa
your classroom, hmm?
276
00:10:34,022 --> 00:10:37,023
Aw, yeah. He's gonna
apologize for us now.
277
00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:38,791
He's gotten real uptight.
278
00:10:38,793 --> 00:10:41,060
Must be all that
cooking and cleaning.
279
00:10:41,062 --> 00:10:43,095
A lot of housewives
get like that.
280
00:10:44,065 --> 00:10:46,298
Sorry.
281
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,834
For what? I'm Latina,
and they were being nice.
282
00:10:48,836 --> 00:10:51,003
You've never once asked me
where I'm from.
283
00:10:51,005 --> 00:10:54,373
Yes, but, to be fair,
I don't care.
284
00:10:54,375 --> 00:10:56,942
Mm-hmm. It's all coming
out now, isn't it, Burns?
That's right.
285
00:10:56,944 --> 00:10:58,194
Three more months of school
286
00:10:58,195 --> 00:10:59,445
and we never have
to see each other again.
287
00:10:59,447 --> 00:11:01,847
More importantly,
I never have to see you again.
288
00:11:01,849 --> 00:11:03,849
Believe it or not,
I'm gonna miss you.
289
00:11:03,851 --> 00:11:07,119
I don't get a lot of wins.
But with you, I always win.
290
00:11:07,121 --> 00:11:08,320
(both chuckle)
291
00:11:08,322 --> 00:11:10,690
What a fun classroom.
292
00:11:10,692 --> 00:11:12,324
Like a fiesta, right?
(chuckles)
293
00:11:12,326 --> 00:11:14,060
That's mostly
your son's doing.
294
00:11:14,062 --> 00:11:16,295
He's room mom this year.
295
00:11:16,297 --> 00:11:18,831
Oh, for the love of God.
296
00:11:18,833 --> 00:11:21,167
(laughs, mutters)
297
00:11:21,169 --> 00:11:22,702
All right, let's go.
298
00:11:22,704 --> 00:11:23,936
Adios!
299
00:11:23,938 --> 00:11:25,471
Ma!
300
00:11:27,842 --> 00:11:29,075
Hey.
301
00:11:29,077 --> 00:11:30,409
Hey, cuties, we're home.
302
00:11:30,411 --> 00:11:32,144
(dramatic music playing on TV)
303
00:11:33,114 --> 00:11:34,246
What are you watching?
304
00:11:34,248 --> 00:11:36,182
Extreme Autopsy.
305
00:11:37,251 --> 00:11:38,718
They chop up dead bodies.
306
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,219
Grandpa Joe found it.
307
00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:42,388
Here we go, he's
getting the bone saw.
308
00:11:43,891 --> 00:11:45,324
He won't need it. That body
was in the lake for weeks.
309
00:11:45,326 --> 00:11:48,127
No, no, no, no, no, no!
310
00:11:48,129 --> 00:11:50,096
EMME/KATE/TEDDY:
Aw.
311
00:11:50,098 --> 00:11:51,931
(scoffs)
Is your homework done?
312
00:11:51,933 --> 00:11:54,967
Grandma said we were
too cute to do homework.
313
00:11:54,969 --> 00:11:57,036
And is that candy?
314
00:11:57,038 --> 00:11:58,871
We're having candy dinner.
315
00:11:58,873 --> 00:12:03,509
Why don't you ever
give us candy dinner?
316
00:12:03,511 --> 00:12:06,178
No. You know, as bad
as I thought this would be,
317
00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:08,080
it's so much worse.
And I was like,
318
00:12:08,082 --> 00:12:09,348
"What if they do this or
that or the other thing?"
319
00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:10,816
And then they did
all the things.
320
00:12:10,818 --> 00:12:12,084
They did all the things, Adam.
321
00:12:12,086 --> 00:12:13,986
Okay, okay, okay.
I will handle this.
322
00:12:13,988 --> 00:12:16,856
Mom? Dad?
323
00:12:16,858 --> 00:12:19,125
It's just me.
324
00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:22,161
Bev is resting her eyes, and
Joe's down at Dunkin' Donuts,
325
00:12:22,163 --> 00:12:25,131
because
it's his favorite bathroom.
326
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:27,166
What are you doing here?
327
00:12:27,168 --> 00:12:28,200
I saw them at pick-up and they
328
00:12:28,202 --> 00:12:29,468
couldn't remember
how to get back.
329
00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:30,336
Then your mom
insisted
330
00:12:30,338 --> 00:12:31,437
I eat some veal
331
00:12:31,439 --> 00:12:32,872
to fatten me up.
332
00:12:32,874 --> 00:12:34,140
She said
333
00:12:34,142 --> 00:12:37,209
I couldn't leave
until it's all gone.
334
00:12:37,211 --> 00:12:39,311
I'm the veal now.
335
00:12:39,313 --> 00:12:42,281
Italian mothers
like to feed people.
336
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:45,084
They also like to kiss
on the mouth, Adam.
337
00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:48,454
Well, kiss her
back next time,
338
00:12:48,456 --> 00:12:51,023
see what happens.
I don't know.
339
00:12:51,025 --> 00:12:52,525
Adam, this is not funny.
340
00:12:52,527 --> 00:12:55,060
Look-look, don't worry,
these are just, you know,
341
00:12:55,062 --> 00:12:56,328
day one growing pains.
342
00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:59,999
There's no more juice boxes.
343
00:13:01,035 --> 00:13:02,568
Thanks, Obama.
344
00:13:13,381 --> 00:13:15,414
One day, one day your
parents watched our kids,
345
00:13:15,416 --> 00:13:17,483
and they turned our little
girl into Bill O'Reilly.
346
00:13:19,187 --> 00:13:21,320
What am I supposed
to do, Andi,
347
00:13:21,322 --> 00:13:22,988
go out to the RV,
knock on the door,
348
00:13:22,990 --> 00:13:24,423
and tell my own parents
to leave?
349
00:13:24,425 --> 00:13:26,826
That's a great idea. Do that.
350
00:13:26,828 --> 00:13:29,061
Oh, okay. If you feel
so strongly about it,
351
00:13:29,063 --> 00:13:30,362
why don't you go out there
and do it.
352
00:13:30,364 --> 00:13:32,398
Well, I can't do it.
They like me.
353
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:36,368
I mean, you know, they love
you, but they really like me.
354
00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:38,404
Look, I agree.
We got to get 'em out of here,
355
00:13:38,406 --> 00:13:41,340
but I don't want
to hurt their feelings.
356
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:44,877
I know. I just...
(sighs)
357
00:13:44,879 --> 00:13:47,980
I wish there was someplace else
they could go.
358
00:13:47,982 --> 00:13:50,182
Hey, you know where
they've never stayed?
359
00:13:50,184 --> 00:13:52,184
Huh?
Tom Selleck's house.
360
00:13:52,186 --> 00:13:54,320
Nice.
361
00:13:54,321 --> 00:13:56,455
That's right. It's not a family
until everybody suffers.
362
00:13:58,092 --> 00:13:59,925
So I'm thinking we put
'em in your driveway.
363
00:13:59,927 --> 00:14:01,260
Oh, no way.
364
00:14:01,262 --> 00:14:03,429
Why would I want them here?
365
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:09,001
Uh, well, because
your invitation to Joe and Bev
366
00:14:09,003 --> 00:14:10,469
will heal the awful breach
367
00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:12,504
that you've been struggling
with for years.
368
00:14:12,506 --> 00:14:14,440
Boom.
369
00:14:14,442 --> 00:14:16,308
I don't want to
heal the breach.
370
00:14:16,310 --> 00:14:19,912
I have enjoyed
19 mother-in-law-free years.
371
00:14:19,914 --> 00:14:22,448
It's like heaven, but you
don't have to be a good person.
372
00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:24,583
ANDI: Okay,
but I-I need them
373
00:14:24,585 --> 00:14:26,118
out of our driveway,
all right?
374
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,254
There's a septic hose
in my rosebushes.
375
00:14:28,256 --> 00:14:30,256
Okay, how about this,
golden boy, huh?
376
00:14:30,258 --> 00:14:32,424
I'll tell Mom and Dad that
you want them to stay here.
377
00:14:32,426 --> 00:14:34,260
Then when they come over
here, you can tell 'em no
378
00:14:34,262 --> 00:14:36,428
to their innocent,
loving faces. Hmm?
379
00:14:36,430 --> 00:14:38,030
They got us, baby.
380
00:14:38,032 --> 00:14:40,032
No, no.
381
00:14:40,034 --> 00:14:41,967
Relax, Big Daddy.
382
00:14:41,969 --> 00:14:43,168
You know what?
383
00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:44,803
Go ahead
and bring them over here.
384
00:14:44,804 --> 00:14:46,437
And I'll just tell them
that you came to us first,
385
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,274
'cause you don't want them
staying at your place.
386
00:14:48,276 --> 00:14:50,676
Fine by me. Let's burn
this whole thing down!
387
00:14:50,678 --> 00:14:52,611
Okay, okay, okay.
Everybody just take...
388
00:14:52,613 --> 00:14:54,313
just take it easy, all right?
389
00:14:54,315 --> 00:14:56,982
I mean, there has
to be a solution.
390
00:14:56,984 --> 00:15:01,153
So, short of faking
our own deaths, what do we do?
391
00:15:01,155 --> 00:15:03,455
Well, my parents live
in a retirement village,
392
00:15:03,457 --> 00:15:04,590
and they love it.
393
00:15:04,592 --> 00:15:07,293
Oh, Dad hates those places.
Well, yeah,
394
00:15:07,295 --> 00:15:09,495
but what if we don't tell him
it's one of those places?
395
00:15:09,497 --> 00:15:12,131
Yeah, we can just bring 'em
there and-and tell 'em
396
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:13,599
it's a regular apartment
that you guys are looking at
397
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:15,434
because you're thinking
of downsizing.
398
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:16,669
ADAM: Yeah. Yeah,
and then by the time
399
00:15:16,671 --> 00:15:18,304
Dad figures out where he is,
400
00:15:18,306 --> 00:15:19,972
he'll love it.
You know,
401
00:15:19,974 --> 00:15:22,141
that could really work.
Those places are fancy now.
402
00:15:22,143 --> 00:15:23,609
And Dad won't be hard to
trick. He still thinks
403
00:15:23,611 --> 00:15:26,011
you voted for Obama
"by accident."
404
00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:30,149
ANDI:
Wow, this is
405
00:15:30,151 --> 00:15:31,583
a nice apartment.
Yeah.
406
00:15:31,585 --> 00:15:34,386
And no sharp corners.
407
00:15:34,388 --> 00:15:36,522
What a warm welcome
from that lady at the gate.
408
00:15:36,524 --> 00:15:37,523
Yeah.
409
00:15:37,525 --> 00:15:39,224
I think she was Vietnamese.
410
00:15:39,226 --> 00:15:41,593
I'd love to watch her eat
a baked potato.
411
00:15:41,595 --> 00:15:43,595
So, Andi, how about
this place, huh?
412
00:15:43,597 --> 00:15:45,631
Psh. Gosh, Don,
413
00:15:45,633 --> 00:15:47,967
you and Marcy
may call this downsizing,
414
00:15:47,969 --> 00:15:50,569
but I-I call it upgradezing.
415
00:15:50,571 --> 00:15:52,738
And no guest room.
You'll like that.
416
00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:54,340
JOE:
I don't know.
417
00:15:54,342 --> 00:15:56,175
There's something
about this place.
418
00:15:56,177 --> 00:15:59,078
Why are there ramps everywhere
instead of stairs?
419
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:03,615
Oh, uh, that's because ramps
are the stairs of the future.
420
00:16:03,617 --> 00:16:06,018
Yeah, yeah. That's right.
I mean, in a few years,
421
00:16:06,020 --> 00:16:07,553
you're only gonna see stairs
in a museum.
422
00:16:07,555 --> 00:16:10,422
A-And not to walk on,
just to look at.
423
00:16:10,424 --> 00:16:12,558
Eventually,
people will be born
424
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,560
without the ability
to climb steps.
425
00:16:14,562 --> 00:16:16,562
Nature has no stairs.
426
00:16:16,564 --> 00:16:20,399
Mountains are
nature's ramps to the sky.
427
00:16:20,401 --> 00:16:23,635
Or steps, if you will.
428
00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:26,538
That doesn't make any sense.
429
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,540
So, I read in the
lobby that they have
430
00:16:28,542 --> 00:16:30,709
bingo, musicals, comedy nights.
431
00:16:30,711 --> 00:16:32,711
Oh, and there's a restaurant
that serves dinner
432
00:16:32,713 --> 00:16:34,580
from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.
433
00:16:34,582 --> 00:16:36,582
I know that's when
I like to eat.
434
00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:38,183
BEV:
That sounds fun.
435
00:16:38,185 --> 00:16:41,186
Call me crazy but, Joe,
436
00:16:41,188 --> 00:16:44,356
I-I'm thinking this place
could be good for us.
437
00:16:44,358 --> 00:16:46,358
For you? Wow, Ma.
438
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,527
That never occurred to us.
439
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:49,695
JOE:
Yeah, yeah, it's not bad.
440
00:16:49,697 --> 00:16:51,764
Oh, here's a brochure.
441
00:16:51,766 --> 00:16:53,632
Oh, no, no, no! Don't read that!
That's full of lies.
442
00:16:53,634 --> 00:16:55,567
It's made in China.
443
00:16:55,569 --> 00:16:57,603
"Here at the Oaks we welcome
all levels of clients.
444
00:16:57,605 --> 00:17:00,139
"A Level-- full independence.
445
00:17:00,141 --> 00:17:02,107
"B Level--
targeted support.
446
00:17:02,109 --> 00:17:04,209
C Level-- live-in staff."
447
00:17:04,211 --> 00:17:05,110
And then
448
00:17:05,112 --> 00:17:06,445
D Level.
449
00:17:06,447 --> 00:17:07,646
What's D Level?
450
00:17:07,648 --> 00:17:11,583
It's just a picture
of a tree in a field.
451
00:17:11,585 --> 00:17:13,752
This is an old folks' home!
452
00:17:13,754 --> 00:17:17,689
ANDI/DON/ADAM/MARCY:
What?!
453
00:17:17,691 --> 00:17:20,726
Why would Don and Marcy want
to live in an old folks' home?
454
00:17:20,728 --> 00:17:22,561
Well, it's not for them--
it's for us.
455
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,630
They used it as a trick
to get us out here.
456
00:17:24,632 --> 00:17:26,632
They want us out
of the house,
457
00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:29,668
but they're just
too chicken to tell us.
458
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:32,538
Well, that was not very
nice at all, Marcy.
459
00:17:34,208 --> 00:17:37,176
Uh, which chair would you
like me to die in, huh?
460
00:17:37,178 --> 00:17:39,211
This one or that one
or this one, right?
461
00:17:39,213 --> 00:17:41,480
That's the great thing
about this place--
462
00:17:41,482 --> 00:17:44,650
there are so many options.
463
00:17:47,188 --> 00:17:50,355
If you wanted us to go, you
should've just told us to go!
464
00:17:50,357 --> 00:17:51,690
I didn't want
to upset you. You know,
465
00:17:51,692 --> 00:17:54,359
more than you are usually.
466
00:17:54,361 --> 00:17:57,162
Look, it's hard
to tell you stuff, all right?
467
00:17:57,164 --> 00:17:58,730
I told you Andi went back
to work,
468
00:17:58,732 --> 00:17:59,698
and you gave me a hard time.
469
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:01,667
Marcy was honest
470
00:18:01,669 --> 00:18:04,536
and said she didn't want you
to stay with her 19 years ago,
471
00:18:04,538 --> 00:18:05,871
and you're still mad at her.
472
00:18:05,873 --> 00:18:07,773
That's not true.
Well, it is true,
473
00:18:07,775 --> 00:18:09,441
but I don't like
the way you said it.
474
00:18:09,443 --> 00:18:11,877
Okay, look, it's just...
475
00:18:11,879 --> 00:18:13,712
you know, living
in our driveway,
476
00:18:13,714 --> 00:18:16,415
showing our kids autopsies,
477
00:18:16,417 --> 00:18:17,749
stealing turtles
478
00:18:17,751 --> 00:18:19,751
from the side of the road.
479
00:18:19,753 --> 00:18:22,154
It's-it's a lot to take.
480
00:18:22,156 --> 00:18:24,690
I'm fine with it.
It's just Adam.
481
00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:30,896
You got something to say,
say it.
482
00:18:30,898 --> 00:18:32,598
Yeah, Adam. Say it.
483
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,133
(chuckling):
Oh...
484
00:18:34,135 --> 00:18:35,767
Fine. Okay.
485
00:18:35,769 --> 00:18:38,470
Here it is.
486
00:18:38,472 --> 00:18:41,773
I love you, but you got to
find your own place to live.
487
00:18:41,775 --> 00:18:42,908
Okay.
488
00:18:42,910 --> 00:18:45,677
Wha--? That's it? Okay?
489
00:18:45,679 --> 00:18:48,714
We haven't really enjoyed
our time here anyway.
490
00:18:48,716 --> 00:18:50,682
What?
491
00:18:50,684 --> 00:18:52,217
You make too many rules.
492
00:18:52,219 --> 00:18:53,852
We can't tell
stories like we like
493
00:18:53,854 --> 00:18:55,821
or watch the TV
shows we like.
494
00:18:55,823 --> 00:18:57,289
Or pick up a turtle
495
00:18:57,291 --> 00:18:59,491
that technically belongs
to any American.
496
00:18:59,493 --> 00:19:01,560
My taxes
497
00:19:01,561 --> 00:19:03,628
have bought me at least one
stinkin' street turtle.
498
00:19:03,631 --> 00:19:04,763
So we'll go.
499
00:19:04,765 --> 00:19:07,566
And-and you're not mad?
500
00:19:07,568 --> 00:19:08,651
Are you mad?
501
00:19:08,652 --> 00:19:09,735
Not if you're not mad.
502
00:19:09,737 --> 00:19:11,403
Just the usual mad.
503
00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:15,240
Nobody could stay mad
at our sweet boy.
504
00:19:15,242 --> 00:19:17,709
He's so handsome, just like...
505
00:19:17,711 --> 00:19:19,578
Oh. Who-who is it, Joe?
506
00:19:19,580 --> 00:19:20,812
Larry King?
No.
507
00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:22,881
No. The actor.
508
00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:24,383
Don Rickles?
509
00:19:24,385 --> 00:19:26,818
No, the actor.
With the hair?
510
00:19:26,820 --> 00:19:27,686
Oh, they all have hair.
511
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:29,221
Not Telly Savalas.
512
00:19:29,223 --> 00:19:30,689
Oh, he was good.
513
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:32,691
Yul Brynner was a
good bald guy, too.
514
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:36,228
Oh. If only the two of them
had been in a movie together.
515
00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:37,629
JOE: You can't do
that. From behind,
516
00:19:37,631 --> 00:19:39,965
you can't tell
who's talking.
517
00:19:42,403 --> 00:19:45,804
Promise me
I will never get like that.
518
00:19:45,806 --> 00:19:47,806
Oh, you're gonna be
exactly like that.
(groans)
519
00:19:47,808 --> 00:19:50,609
But I will love it.
520
00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:52,945
You know who won't love it?
Our kids.
521
00:19:52,947 --> 00:19:54,780
(chuckles) Yeah.
We're gonna get their kids
522
00:19:54,782 --> 00:19:57,249
all kinds of crazy gifts.
523
00:19:57,251 --> 00:19:59,484
Tasers, an iguana,
524
00:19:59,486 --> 00:20:01,420
a wood chipper.
525
00:20:01,422 --> 00:20:03,989
Hey, that reminds me,
526
00:20:03,991 --> 00:20:05,857
what did you do
with that turtle?
527
00:20:05,859 --> 00:20:07,859
Oh, I dropped him off at the zoo
with a Post-it on its back
528
00:20:07,861 --> 00:20:09,628
that said, "Thanks, Obama."
529
00:20:09,630 --> 00:20:10,963
(chuckles)
530
00:20:18,606 --> 00:20:19,838
Hey, Ma. What's going on?
You're packing up?
531
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:20,906
We found an apartment.
532
00:20:20,908 --> 00:20:22,708
Your dad's inside
533
00:20:22,709 --> 00:20:24,509
right now signing the lease
with the landlady.
534
00:20:24,511 --> 00:20:27,813
That's great! Uh,
I think those are our towels.
535
00:20:27,815 --> 00:20:30,015
You kick us out, I take towels.
536
00:20:31,952 --> 00:20:34,553
That's worth it.
537
00:20:37,691 --> 00:20:40,325
Hello, Burns.
538
00:20:40,327 --> 00:20:42,628
What?
539
00:20:42,630 --> 00:20:45,264
See? Look at his face. I told
you it'd be funny. (chuckles)
540
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:47,933
You're moving in with her?
541
00:20:47,935 --> 00:20:49,968
She's renting us the
other half of her duplex.
542
00:20:49,970 --> 00:20:50,969
(door opens)
543
00:20:50,971 --> 00:20:53,405
Ma, why didn't you tell me
544
00:20:53,407 --> 00:20:54,840
she was your new landlady?
545
00:20:54,842 --> 00:20:57,976
You never like me to
describe anyone in my stories.
546
00:20:57,978 --> 00:21:00,445
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