1
00:00:02,424 --> 00:00:05,260
You guys are in for
our March Madness party
this weekend, right?

2
00:00:05,294 --> 00:00:07,096
Jen has to work,
but she's preapproved

3
00:00:07,129 --> 00:00:08,530
several party jokes
for me to tell.

4
00:00:08,563 --> 00:00:09,464
I have a fun one about

5
00:00:09,498 --> 00:00:11,600
an elephant who doesn't
have to pack a bag

6
00:00:11,633 --> 00:00:14,203
because he already has a--
You know what, I'll save it.

7
00:00:14,236 --> 00:00:16,271
Oh. (sputters)
I'll go

8
00:00:16,305 --> 00:00:17,739
if you let me try out your
new heated toilet seat.

9
00:00:17,772 --> 00:00:18,673
I've been waiting
my whole life

10
00:00:18,707 --> 00:00:22,277
for science to invent
something useful.

11
00:00:22,311 --> 00:00:24,279
No, I am not letting you
up there.

12
00:00:24,313 --> 00:00:26,315
You'll be on it all the time,
and I won't know

13
00:00:26,348 --> 00:00:28,217
if the heat is from the seat
or from you.

14
00:00:28,250 --> 00:00:30,385
(car horn honks outside)

15
00:00:30,419 --> 00:00:32,354
Kids! Come on!
Your ride's here!

16
00:00:34,156 --> 00:00:35,824
Bye!
Bye-bye.
See ya.

17
00:00:35,857 --> 00:00:37,459
Love you.
Bye. Love you, too.

18
00:00:37,492 --> 00:00:39,228
All right, have a great day.

19
00:00:39,261 --> 00:00:41,763
Bye? Wh-What's happening?
(door closes)

20
00:00:41,796 --> 00:00:43,298
Where are my babies going?

21
00:00:43,332 --> 00:00:45,200
To school.
Yeah, I got them in a carpool

22
00:00:45,234 --> 00:00:47,302
with what's-her-name,
that mom with the husky kid

23
00:00:47,336 --> 00:00:49,404
that always wears
the velour tracksuits.

24
00:00:49,438 --> 00:00:52,374
We call him Tiny Soprano.
(chuckles)

25
00:00:53,875 --> 00:00:55,344
And why can't you
drive them anymore?

26
00:00:55,377 --> 00:00:56,811
Because I have to leave
the office early

27
00:00:56,845 --> 00:00:59,248
to do afternoon pickup, and
as soon as I walk out the door,

28
00:00:59,281 --> 00:01:01,850
Don goes to the dog track.

29
00:01:01,883 --> 00:01:05,220
I do do that.

30
00:01:05,254 --> 00:01:07,389
I didn't think
he knew it.

31
00:01:07,422 --> 00:01:09,324
Well, we're all
learning things today.

32
00:01:09,358 --> 00:01:10,759
Mm. Yeah.

33
00:01:10,792 --> 00:01:13,228
A carpool would make
my life so much easier.

34
00:01:13,262 --> 00:01:15,397
Well, we should get
to work.

35
00:01:15,430 --> 00:01:16,831
Unless you'd allow me
a few minutes upstairs

36
00:01:16,865 --> 00:01:18,333
on your new hot potty.

37
00:01:18,367 --> 00:01:20,335
No way.

38
00:01:20,369 --> 00:01:23,238
Only one king sits
on that throne.

39
00:01:25,374 --> 00:01:28,777
Yeah, uh, honey, I'm not
so sure about a carpool.

40
00:01:28,810 --> 00:01:31,880
Okay? I mean, how will I know
if the kids get home safe?

41
00:01:31,913 --> 00:01:34,283
I don't get home
until 5:00.

42
00:01:34,316 --> 00:01:38,287
That gives the kidnappers
a two-hour head start.

43
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:39,621
Morning, guys.

44
00:01:39,654 --> 00:01:41,623
Perfect timing.
Look, I know all about

45
00:01:41,656 --> 00:01:43,625
your unreasonable fear
of kidnappers.

46
00:01:43,658 --> 00:01:45,460
That's why
Rudy's here, okay?

47
00:01:45,494 --> 00:01:47,229
I got him to hook us up
with some cameras.

48
00:01:47,262 --> 00:01:49,231
He does security
at the stadium.

49
00:01:49,264 --> 00:01:51,300
I like this.
Yeah, yeah.

50
00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,468
The Steelers are way more
valuable than our kids.

51
00:01:53,502 --> 00:01:57,806
And so far, not one of them
has been kidnapped.

52
00:01:57,839 --> 00:01:58,907
ANDI:
So, with the cameras,

53
00:01:58,940 --> 00:02:01,443
I'll know if the
kids get home safe.

54
00:02:01,476 --> 00:02:04,313
I am finding this practical,
organized side of you

55
00:02:04,346 --> 00:02:06,481
very attractive.

56
00:02:06,515 --> 00:02:08,450
Well, buckle up, baby,

57
00:02:08,483 --> 00:02:11,653
because you can watch all
of the footage from the cameras

58
00:02:11,686 --> 00:02:13,488
on your iPad.

59
00:02:13,522 --> 00:02:16,425
Now, how does the footage get
from the cameras to your iPad?

60
00:02:16,458 --> 00:02:18,460
Don't ask Rudy,
because he'll tell ya,

61
00:02:18,493 --> 00:02:19,828
and it's very boring.

62
00:02:20,862 --> 00:02:22,464
Yeah, it is.

63
00:02:22,497 --> 00:02:23,698
You know, a
lot of people

64
00:02:23,732 --> 00:02:25,700
like to say
that nerds are cool again,

65
00:02:25,734 --> 00:02:27,202
but we're not.

66
00:02:27,936 --> 00:02:29,338
Anyways, I put one camera

67
00:02:29,371 --> 00:02:30,839
over your front door

68
00:02:30,872 --> 00:02:33,475
and one on the garage
facing the back door.

69
00:02:33,508 --> 00:02:35,344
Where would you like
the last one?

70
00:02:35,377 --> 00:02:36,811
Uh... (gasps) Let's put
it in the living room.

71
00:02:36,845 --> 00:02:39,548
Yeah. Yeah, then I can figure
out which one of the kids

72
00:02:39,581 --> 00:02:41,683
been eating my M&M'S
and stuffing the wrappers

73
00:02:41,716 --> 00:02:44,686
in the couch cushions. Huh?

74
00:02:44,719 --> 00:02:47,456
Or we could make sure
they're doing their homework

75
00:02:47,489 --> 00:02:48,657
so they can go to college.

76
00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,293
And afford
their own M&M'S.
Sure!

77
00:02:51,326 --> 00:02:52,927
Okay, well,

78
00:02:52,961 --> 00:02:54,195
I'll recheck everything
in a couple of days.

79
00:02:54,229 --> 00:02:57,532
If you're not home, I'll just
use the key behind your planter.

80
00:02:57,566 --> 00:02:58,867
How do you know
about that?

81
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:00,602
Because I'm in security.

82
00:03:00,635 --> 00:03:02,604
It's my job to know
these things.

83
00:03:02,637 --> 00:03:04,273
Also, you told me.

84
00:03:04,306 --> 00:03:07,542
But mainly it's because
I'm in security.

85
00:03:07,576 --> 00:03:09,478
Uh, listen, thanks so much
for all your help, Rudy.

86
00:03:09,511 --> 00:03:11,380
Oh, sure thing. You know,
actually, I should get going.

87
00:03:11,413 --> 00:03:13,382
Joy's out of town for the week,

88
00:03:13,415 --> 00:03:15,917
and I bought a giant ham
for dinner. (chuckles)

89
00:03:15,950 --> 00:03:17,486
Yeah, we're
gonna have

90
00:03:17,519 --> 00:03:18,587
a session.

91
00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:21,290
I'm sorry, wh...

92
00:03:21,323 --> 00:03:22,491
why can't you eat that
when Joy's around?

93
00:03:22,524 --> 00:03:25,460
(sighs) Because I like it
too much and she gets jealous.

94
00:03:25,494 --> 00:03:28,330
"Why don't you put that ham
down and come over here

95
00:03:28,363 --> 00:03:30,332
and snuggle with me?"

96
00:03:30,365 --> 00:03:32,601
That's all I hear.

97
00:03:33,835 --> 00:03:36,037
(door opens, closes)

98
00:03:36,070 --> 00:03:38,873
Hmm. You know,
in a weird way,

99
00:03:38,907 --> 00:03:40,709
that was a very sweet story.

100
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:42,711
Yeah, um, he...

101
00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:45,747
he's gonna eat
the ham, right?

102
00:03:49,017 --> 00:03:50,519
Hey. So, you'll never
guess what I saw

103
00:03:50,552 --> 00:03:51,786
the kids doing today
on the cameras.

104
00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:54,356
Were they eating
my M&M'S?

105
00:03:54,389 --> 00:03:57,526
Sorry, babe, that-that
case remains unsolved.

106
00:03:57,559 --> 00:04:00,729
They just came home and
started doing their homework

107
00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:03,031
without anybody telling them to.

108
00:04:03,064 --> 00:04:04,699
What?

109
00:04:04,733 --> 00:04:07,736
We're the greatest parents
in the world, and it's on video.

110
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:11,606
Oh. Let me check
the back door footage. I, uh...

111
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,442
I think a raccoon's
been digging up our flowers,

112
00:04:13,475 --> 00:04:15,310
and I don't want
to accuse him without proof.

113
00:04:15,344 --> 00:04:16,578
Otherwise, I'll look
like an idiot.

114
00:04:16,611 --> 00:04:18,347
Well, yeah.

115
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:20,349
Oh, look.
(chuckles)

116
00:04:20,382 --> 00:04:22,517
You can see me doing dishes
in the kitchen window.

117
00:04:22,551 --> 00:04:24,553
Yeah. (chuckles)
(chuckles)

118
00:04:24,586 --> 00:04:26,588
Uh-oh.
Huh?

119
00:04:26,621 --> 00:04:29,458
Was this after the kids
went to bed last night?

120
00:04:29,491 --> 00:04:30,759
Mm-hmm.

121
00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,594
Oh.

122
00:04:32,627 --> 00:04:34,396
Am I about to come up
behind you?

123
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:39,568
BOTH:
Oh, no!

124
00:04:39,601 --> 00:04:41,336
(both gasp)

125
00:04:41,370 --> 00:04:42,771
Oh!

126
00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:45,740
We accidentally made
an S-E-X tape!

127
00:04:45,774 --> 00:04:47,976
And here we go.

128
00:04:48,009 --> 00:04:49,844
Oh...

129
00:04:53,147 --> 00:04:55,550
Huh.

130
00:04:55,584 --> 00:04:58,653
Not bad.

131
00:04:58,687 --> 00:05:00,755
(chuckles)
Not bad yourself.

132
00:05:00,789 --> 00:05:02,757
I was talking about me.

133
00:05:02,791 --> 00:05:04,826
Oh, okay, let's start
it from the beginning.

134
00:05:04,859 --> 00:05:06,828
I want to watch it
when I'm not scared.

135
00:05:06,861 --> 00:05:08,863
(chuckles)

136
00:05:09,964 --> 00:05:12,567
*

137
00:05:23,077 --> 00:05:24,813
(phone rings)
Hey, honey.

138
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,815
How's it going, movie star?

139
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:30,452
(chuckles) Well, it's not
as exciting as last night,

140
00:05:30,485 --> 00:05:31,920
Best Supporting Actor.

141
00:05:31,953 --> 00:05:34,523
Supporting Actor?

142
00:05:34,556 --> 00:05:35,924
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

143
00:05:35,957 --> 00:05:38,159
At one point,
I did have to support you.

144
00:05:38,192 --> 00:05:39,961
Any-Anyway,

145
00:05:39,994 --> 00:05:42,897
I left a present for you.
Check your downloaded videos.

146
00:05:42,931 --> 00:05:44,933
Huh?

147
00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:49,137
(gasps)

148
00:05:49,170 --> 00:05:52,006
(quietly):
Our secret video? You saved it?

149
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,041
I thought you might like it.

150
00:05:53,074 --> 00:05:54,976
Well, meet me at home for lunch.

151
00:05:55,009 --> 00:05:56,978
I'll show you exactly
how I feel about it.

152
00:05:57,011 --> 00:05:58,980
I can't wait. (chuckles)

153
00:05:59,013 --> 00:06:00,482
Hold on, hold on.

154
00:06:00,515 --> 00:06:02,183
Are we gonna do
what I think we're gonna do?

155
00:06:02,216 --> 00:06:05,119
'Cause I don't want to skip
lunch just to get yelled at.

156
00:06:05,153 --> 00:06:07,422
(door opens)

157
00:06:07,456 --> 00:06:09,491
Ah, there she is.

158
00:06:09,524 --> 00:06:12,060
Huh? I'm a big fan.
I've seen all your movie.

159
00:06:12,093 --> 00:06:14,062
(laughs)

160
00:06:14,095 --> 00:06:16,665
Okay, let's go.
I can't believe this worked.

161
00:06:16,698 --> 00:06:18,933
Well, it did.
But after, delete this video.

162
00:06:18,967 --> 00:06:21,636
Or, or we have
a few cameras.

163
00:06:21,670 --> 00:06:24,205
We could do a whole series.
You love to binge watch.

164
00:06:24,238 --> 00:06:27,075
Okay the more you talk about
this, the less it's working.

165
00:06:27,108 --> 00:06:28,843
Okay, okay, you're right.
I promise I'll delete it.

166
00:06:28,877 --> 00:06:29,911
Let's keep this train moving.

167
00:06:29,944 --> 00:06:31,980
Okay.
Choo-choo!

168
00:06:32,013 --> 00:06:33,948
You're right, I'll save the
train noises for the bedroom.

169
00:06:33,982 --> 00:06:35,817
Oh...

170
00:06:47,095 --> 00:06:49,163
Uh, where's Mom's iPad?

171
00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:50,532
Uh, none of you guys
have it, do ya?

172
00:06:50,565 --> 00:06:51,933
'Cause private stuff on there.

173
00:06:51,966 --> 00:06:54,503
I mean, like, taxes, and...

174
00:06:54,536 --> 00:06:57,105
other grown-up words.

175
00:06:57,138 --> 00:06:59,140
Grandma came by
and borrowed it.

176
00:06:59,173 --> 00:07:01,476
Grandma has it?

177
00:07:01,510 --> 00:07:03,612
She said she was playing a mean
game of Words With Friends

178
00:07:03,645 --> 00:07:04,946
and broke hers.

179
00:07:04,979 --> 00:07:06,915
When did this happen?
Where was I?

180
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,917
Upstairs with your
new toilet seat.

181
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,552
(scoffs)

182
00:07:10,585 --> 00:07:12,521
Okay, Andi...
Hey.

183
00:07:12,554 --> 00:07:15,557
How are my perfect angels?

184
00:07:15,590 --> 00:07:17,959
Y-You're talking to us?

185
00:07:17,992 --> 00:07:20,529
Uh, Andi, I-I need a word.

186
00:07:20,562 --> 00:07:23,565
It's about the special
present on your iPad.

187
00:07:23,598 --> 00:07:24,966
Oh, what present?
I want to see!

188
00:07:24,999 --> 00:07:26,668
No, you don't.
You'll never be the same.

189
00:07:28,670 --> 00:07:29,871
What's wrong?

190
00:07:29,904 --> 00:07:31,540
You are gonna love this.
(chuckles)

191
00:07:31,573 --> 00:07:33,107
Remember that time you
told me to get milk,

192
00:07:33,141 --> 00:07:34,876
but I didn't?

193
00:07:34,909 --> 00:07:37,211
Well, we have a similar
situation here, okay?

194
00:07:37,245 --> 00:07:39,981
But the milk is
our naked bodies.

195
00:07:40,014 --> 00:07:42,751
And my mom has the milk.

196
00:07:42,784 --> 00:07:44,719
Wait, what?

197
00:07:44,753 --> 00:07:46,287
My mom took your iPad.

198
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,590
Well, you deleted
the video, right?

199
00:07:48,623 --> 00:07:50,825
Yes, yes. I pulled you
out here on the porch

200
00:07:50,859 --> 00:07:52,894
to tell you
everything's fine.

201
00:07:52,927 --> 00:07:55,229
How could you not
delete the video?

202
00:07:55,263 --> 00:07:57,999
I-I thought it'd be fun to put
some music under it, you know?

203
00:07:58,032 --> 00:08:01,069
Like... like, uh...
like Chariots of Fire,

204
00:08:01,102 --> 00:08:02,837
or "For Those
About to Rock."

205
00:08:02,871 --> 00:08:05,106
You know, pretty
spicy, right?

206
00:08:05,139 --> 00:08:08,176
Spicy? What...
Where are you getting this?

207
00:08:08,209 --> 00:08:09,744
I was at the
dentist last week,

208
00:08:09,778 --> 00:08:11,279
reading one of those
women's magazines,

209
00:08:11,312 --> 00:08:14,148
and there was an article about
keeping relationships spicy.

210
00:08:14,182 --> 00:08:15,817
And one of the things
it said was,

211
00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:18,152
"Don't be afraid to
surprise your partner."

212
00:08:18,186 --> 00:08:21,022
So, surprise!

213
00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:22,991
Okay, honey,
I have told you,

214
00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:26,094
those women's magazines
are not for you.

215
00:08:26,127 --> 00:08:27,829
Okay?

216
00:08:27,862 --> 00:08:29,998
Those ideas, they go
inside your man brain

217
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:32,701
and they bang around in there,
and then... and then

218
00:08:32,734 --> 00:08:35,169
they come out
all naked and dirty.

219
00:08:35,203 --> 00:08:38,339
I didn't hear you complaining
by the kitchen sink.

220
00:08:38,372 --> 00:08:39,841
Adam!

221
00:08:39,874 --> 00:08:42,176
We have to get
that video back right now.

222
00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:44,278
Okay, okay. I was just
trying to spice things up.

223
00:08:44,312 --> 00:08:46,581
And you got to admit,
for a minute, it worked.

224
00:08:46,615 --> 00:08:49,183
Well, it was definitely
more than a minute, but...

225
00:08:49,217 --> 00:08:51,185
that's just a figure
of speech.

226
00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:54,255
I don't have to tell you.
You were there. Okay.

227
00:08:55,757 --> 00:08:57,225
Hey, uh, where's Mom?

228
00:08:57,258 --> 00:08:59,027
She's right...

229
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:02,330
Oh. I guess she went out.

230
00:09:02,363 --> 00:09:04,599
I'm watching soap operas
for no reason.

231
00:09:04,633 --> 00:09:07,235
Uh, have you seen
my iPad?

232
00:09:07,268 --> 00:09:09,337
She borrowed it,
and we need it back.

233
00:09:09,370 --> 00:09:12,040
Oh. Well, here you go.

234
00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:16,010
No, no, an iPad.

235
00:09:16,044 --> 00:09:19,080
That's a pad. I gave it to you.
Now it's your pad.

236
00:09:20,715 --> 00:09:22,784
No, it-it's like
a little computer.

237
00:09:22,817 --> 00:09:24,318
It's more of a tablet.

238
00:09:24,352 --> 00:09:25,353
Like the Ten Commandments?

239
00:09:27,155 --> 00:09:28,890
This could take years.

240
00:09:28,923 --> 00:09:31,159
It's that square thing
she's always yelling at.

241
00:09:31,192 --> 00:09:32,861
Oh, that.
Mm.

242
00:09:32,894 --> 00:09:35,063
Well, hers broke,
so she borrowed yours.

243
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,065
We know.

244
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:39,233
That's where we started.

245
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:42,637
Well, then, give me that back.
It's my pad.

246
00:09:42,671 --> 00:09:44,038
(groans)

247
00:09:44,072 --> 00:09:46,908
Just... (chuckles) tell us
where the computer is.

248
00:09:46,941 --> 00:09:48,342
Well, she gave it to Don

249
00:09:48,376 --> 00:09:50,311
so Don could give it
back to you at work.

250
00:09:50,344 --> 00:09:52,280
Don?
Great.

251
00:09:52,313 --> 00:09:53,915
If he has it,
they're probably already

252
00:09:53,948 --> 00:09:56,017
selling it at truck stops.
Come on.

253
00:09:58,352 --> 00:10:00,321
Don! Don! Uh...

254
00:10:00,354 --> 00:10:01,890
Oh, no, no,
he's not here.

255
00:10:01,923 --> 00:10:03,858
He went over to Rudy's
to visit a ham.

256
00:10:04,959 --> 00:10:06,861
I don't ask questions anymore.

257
00:10:06,895 --> 00:10:09,998
Um, did he leave
my iPad by any chance?

258
00:10:10,031 --> 00:10:11,232
Oh, yes, it's right here.

259
00:10:11,265 --> 00:10:13,034
Oh, thank God.

260
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,870
I do not enjoy tiny computers.
They make me feel like a giant.

261
00:10:15,904 --> 00:10:17,338
(chuckles)

262
00:10:17,371 --> 00:10:20,108
No, no, no.
This-this isn't mine.

263
00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:21,175
That's Lowell's.
Lowell was here earlier.

264
00:10:21,209 --> 00:10:24,345
I guess they got them mixed up,
and he took yours.

265
00:10:24,378 --> 00:10:26,915
Lowell? That's
worse than Don.

266
00:10:26,948 --> 00:10:28,249
I'm his hero.

267
00:10:28,282 --> 00:10:30,351
Nobody wants to see
Superman without his cape!

268
00:10:30,384 --> 00:10:32,887
Or his underwear.

269
00:10:36,090 --> 00:10:38,392
Lowell?
(clears throat)

270
00:10:38,426 --> 00:10:40,028
Hi.

271
00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:41,029
Hi.

272
00:10:41,062 --> 00:10:43,397
Hi. (chuckles)

273
00:10:43,431 --> 00:10:44,899
Hey.

274
00:10:44,933 --> 00:10:47,301
Oh, uh, i-is Lowell here?

275
00:10:47,335 --> 00:10:50,071
Uh, no, he's not here.
I'm Heather. I'm the new nanny.

276
00:10:50,104 --> 00:10:52,373
Outstanding.
Uh, listen, if you're looking

277
00:10:52,406 --> 00:10:54,375
for some extra work, I got
some gutters at my place...

278
00:10:54,408 --> 00:10:56,410
All right, all right, all right.

279
00:10:56,444 --> 00:10:59,047
Uh, we're Lowell's friends,
Adam and Andi,

280
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,716
and he has my iPad.
H-Have you seen it?

281
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:03,384
Oh, yes, he took it
with him to the gym.

282
00:11:03,417 --> 00:11:04,719
He said he'd bring it
by your party.

283
00:11:04,753 --> 00:11:07,722
That's not good enough.
I need it now!

284
00:11:07,756 --> 00:11:09,457
She-she just really
needs her computer, okay?

285
00:11:09,490 --> 00:11:11,292
She's an online
gambler. Yeah.

286
00:11:11,325 --> 00:11:13,261
And we don't like to talk
about it. It's very painful.

287
00:11:13,294 --> 00:11:14,295
Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

288
00:11:16,330 --> 00:11:18,432
We have to call Lowell
and track him down.

289
00:11:18,466 --> 00:11:20,001
Okay? O-Or...

290
00:11:20,034 --> 00:11:21,269
or we could report
his car stolen,

291
00:11:21,302 --> 00:11:23,037
let the cops do the work for us.

292
00:11:23,071 --> 00:11:24,338
We'll just get it
at the party.

293
00:11:24,372 --> 00:11:26,174
We don't need
to panic. Okay?

294
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,842
We're married, and
we have children.

295
00:11:27,876 --> 00:11:30,411
The secret's out that we
like to bow-chicka-bow-bow.

296
00:11:33,381 --> 00:11:35,483
Okay, but word about this video
will spread, all right?

297
00:11:35,516 --> 00:11:37,819
It'll be the thing
that we become known for.

298
00:11:37,852 --> 00:11:40,154
I mean, people will read
my obituary, and they'll say,

299
00:11:40,188 --> 00:11:41,923
"Aw, Sex Tape Andi died.

300
00:11:41,956 --> 00:11:45,894
Yeah, and she's survived
by her husband, Sex Tape Adam."

301
00:11:45,927 --> 00:11:48,096
I don't want
to be Sex Tape Adam.

302
00:11:48,129 --> 00:11:51,032
Who's gonna marry Sex Tape Adam?

303
00:11:51,065 --> 00:11:52,366
You're getting married already?

304
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,368
You just told me you're dead.

305
00:11:54,402 --> 00:11:56,337
If you don't find my iPad,

306
00:11:56,370 --> 00:11:58,907
I'm gonna be known
as Killed Her Husband Andi.

307
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:00,508
Let's go.

308
00:12:00,541 --> 00:12:02,476
(sportscast playing,
excited shouting)

309
00:12:02,510 --> 00:12:04,078
Yes!
(knocking on door)

310
00:12:04,112 --> 00:12:07,481
Oh! That's Lowell.
Get it, get it, get it.
Okay.

311
00:12:07,515 --> 00:12:09,250
Rudy. Hey...

312
00:12:09,283 --> 00:12:11,352
Oh. Boy, you don't look so good.

313
00:12:11,385 --> 00:12:13,487
I need you to take my ham.

314
00:12:15,356 --> 00:12:16,991
I have no self-control
without Joy.

315
00:12:17,025 --> 00:12:20,028
I ate so much
that I went up a sock size.

316
00:12:20,061 --> 00:12:21,963
I-I'll put it in
the fridge for you.

317
00:12:21,996 --> 00:12:24,432
Uh, no-- that's okay.
I'll do it.

318
00:12:24,465 --> 00:12:26,467
She likes the middle shelf.

319
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,937
(knocking on door)

320
00:12:28,970 --> 00:12:30,171
Oh.

321
00:12:30,204 --> 00:12:31,505
Lowell. H-Hey.

322
00:12:31,539 --> 00:12:33,007
Come on in, buddy.

323
00:12:33,041 --> 00:12:35,810
I'm marching in,
ready for madness.

324
00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:36,945
(laughs) Give me that.

325
00:12:36,978 --> 00:12:38,479
(chuckles)

326
00:12:38,512 --> 00:12:41,282
Listen, you have got to tell
people when you get a new nanny.

327
00:12:41,315 --> 00:12:42,817
I made an ass of myself.

328
00:12:42,851 --> 00:12:46,320
All right, eat something. Okay.

329
00:12:46,354 --> 00:12:48,356
I'm gonna miss you, baby.

330
00:12:51,525 --> 00:12:53,227
Okay, you dodged a serious
bullet here, mister.

331
00:12:53,261 --> 00:12:55,229
Now delete this video
so I can sleep in peace.

332
00:12:55,263 --> 00:12:56,831
Okay. Right, right,
right, right.

333
00:12:56,865 --> 00:12:58,833
(sighs)
What...

334
00:12:58,867 --> 00:13:00,869
Why'd you pause it
halfway through?

335
00:13:00,902 --> 00:13:03,304
My best moves
are at the end.

336
00:13:03,337 --> 00:13:05,539
Wha... What? No, I-I
didn't watch any of it.

337
00:13:05,573 --> 00:13:07,375
No, uh, see?
The video's been played,

338
00:13:07,408 --> 00:13:09,243
and then paused in the middle.

339
00:13:09,277 --> 00:13:11,379
That means someone
else watched it.

340
00:13:11,412 --> 00:13:15,249
Someone... in there.

341
00:13:20,021 --> 00:13:22,423
Maybe I should have just
driven the kids to school.

342
00:13:22,456 --> 00:13:24,458
You think?

343
00:13:32,366 --> 00:13:35,904
Okay. Your mom, Don and Lowell,
they all had my iPad.

344
00:13:35,937 --> 00:13:37,338
Any one of them could've
watched our movie.

345
00:13:37,371 --> 00:13:39,140
Well, maybe they didn't
know it was us.

346
00:13:43,211 --> 00:13:48,216
Adam, you named the file
"Andi Does Dishes and More."

347
00:13:48,249 --> 00:13:50,551
O-Okay, here's what we do:
we split up

348
00:13:50,584 --> 00:13:53,554
and find out
who watched it, then...

349
00:13:53,587 --> 00:13:56,257
we come up with a real plan.

350
00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:58,359
I'm in. Yeah, uh...

351
00:13:58,392 --> 00:13:59,928
Which one us has
to talk to your mom?

352
00:13:59,961 --> 00:14:01,262
Not it.
Not it! Dang it!

353
00:14:01,295 --> 00:14:02,596
Ah.

354
00:14:02,630 --> 00:14:04,132
Yeah. I'm quick.
(imitates gunshot)

355
00:14:04,165 --> 00:14:05,299
Talk to my mother.

356
00:14:07,468 --> 00:14:09,437
So, Lowell.

357
00:14:09,470 --> 00:14:13,607
(chuckles): I have seen
some crazy stuff on iPads.

358
00:14:13,641 --> 00:14:16,277
Now you say something.

359
00:14:16,310 --> 00:14:18,479
I like that shirt, Bev.
(chuckles)

360
00:14:18,512 --> 00:14:21,449
Did you buy it on the iPad?

361
00:14:21,482 --> 00:14:23,284
If you're talking
about your iPad,

362
00:14:23,317 --> 00:14:25,119
I only have one thing to say.

363
00:14:25,153 --> 00:14:28,656
What I saw on there
was deeply disappointing.

364
00:14:28,689 --> 00:14:30,424
BEV:
I know what you're getting at,

365
00:14:30,458 --> 00:14:32,293
and I don't want
to talk about it.

366
00:14:32,326 --> 00:14:35,329
I'm embarrassed enough as it is.

367
00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:38,332
Andi!

368
00:14:38,366 --> 00:14:39,500
Adam!

369
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:41,335
Lowell definitely
watched it.

370
00:14:41,369 --> 00:14:42,470
Well, your mom
watched it, too.

371
00:14:42,503 --> 00:14:44,505
Wha...
Yeah. I think she no
longer thinks my meat loaf

372
00:14:44,538 --> 00:14:46,407
is the worst thing I've
ever done in the kitchen.

373
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,042
(scoffs)

374
00:14:48,076 --> 00:14:50,378
What are you guys
doing in here?

375
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:52,080
Nothing! W-We've never
done anything here,

376
00:14:52,113 --> 00:14:55,483
especially by the sink.

377
00:14:55,516 --> 00:14:58,252
You're avoiding me, aren't you?

378
00:14:58,286 --> 00:15:01,355
Look, we all know
what was on that computer.

379
00:15:01,389 --> 00:15:05,326
It's natural, it's human,
and yes, it was hot.

380
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,430
Congratulations to you both.

381
00:15:16,304 --> 00:15:20,441
They all watched it!

382
00:15:20,474 --> 00:15:24,612
And my brother liked it.

383
00:15:24,645 --> 00:15:28,149
Oh, they're probably in there
talking about it right now.

384
00:15:28,182 --> 00:15:30,318
(laughter)

385
00:15:30,351 --> 00:15:33,554
Oh, okay, okay, no, no,
they're-they're not talking.

386
00:15:33,587 --> 00:15:35,323
(chuckles):
They're laughing.

387
00:15:35,356 --> 00:15:39,193
Andi, they're not talking,
they're laughing!

388
00:15:39,227 --> 00:15:41,262
Okay, well, y-you got to go
in there and-and clear the air.

389
00:15:41,295 --> 00:15:42,463
Otherwise, every time
we hear them laugh,

390
00:15:42,496 --> 00:15:44,132
we'll know they're
laughing at you.

391
00:15:44,165 --> 00:15:46,467
Wha...?

392
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:49,670
Uh, what do you mean,
laughing at me?

393
00:15:49,703 --> 00:15:51,439
Oh, it's ju...
it's just, you know,

394
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:53,041
you're so serious on the video.

395
00:15:53,074 --> 00:15:54,775
You know? It's like,
I'm having a good time,

396
00:15:54,808 --> 00:15:57,645
and-and you look like
you're trying to land a plane.

397
00:16:01,049 --> 00:16:02,416
I need Joy
to come home.

398
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:05,453
Without her, I overeat,
I don't do laundry.

399
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:10,024
I'm wearing a bathing
suit as underwear.

400
00:16:10,058 --> 00:16:13,061
Voice of experience:
when you run out of swim trunks,

401
00:16:13,094 --> 00:16:17,265
you'll start dipping
into her underwear.

402
00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,367
That's when it gets weird.

403
00:16:23,471 --> 00:16:24,705
(TV turns off)
Whoa, whoa!
Hey!

404
00:16:24,738 --> 00:16:27,541
All right, all right,
listen up, listen up. Um...

405
00:16:27,575 --> 00:16:31,345
Love is complicated,
so sometimes you have to do

406
00:16:31,379 --> 00:16:34,748
some pretty crazy stuff to keep
things spicy, am I right?

407
00:16:36,417 --> 00:16:39,487
I think this is how
swinger parties start.

408
00:16:42,323 --> 00:16:43,691
I'm gonna move slowly
towards the door

409
00:16:43,724 --> 00:16:45,726
and try not to look sexy.

410
00:16:47,328 --> 00:16:49,063
Lowell, it's not
a swinger party.

411
00:16:49,097 --> 00:16:50,298
My parents are here.

412
00:16:51,332 --> 00:16:52,400
Okay, look,

413
00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:54,502
big deal, we made a sex tape.

414
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:55,636
You-you what?

415
00:16:55,669 --> 00:16:57,771
We know you saw it, Ma.

416
00:16:57,805 --> 00:16:59,407
I didn't see anything.

417
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,776
But I'm sure
you were great, honey.

418
00:17:02,810 --> 00:17:05,579
Wha...? W-Why did you tell
me you were embarrassed

419
00:17:05,613 --> 00:17:07,481
to talk about my iPad?

420
00:17:07,515 --> 00:17:10,618
'Cause I spilled coffee on it,
thought I broke it.

421
00:17:10,651 --> 00:17:13,421
Oh. Well, unfortunately,
you didn't.

422
00:17:13,454 --> 00:17:15,489
It still plays fine.

423
00:17:15,523 --> 00:17:18,192
Why are you
telling us all this?

424
00:17:18,226 --> 00:17:19,360
Because you saw it.

425
00:17:19,393 --> 00:17:21,229
You said you were
disappointed.

426
00:17:21,262 --> 00:17:24,064
Andi was doing
the best she could.

427
00:17:25,533 --> 00:17:27,835
I was disappointed
because I read in your e-mails

428
00:17:27,868 --> 00:17:30,171
that you invited Don
to your March Madness party

429
00:17:30,204 --> 00:17:31,705
a full week before me.

430
00:17:31,739 --> 00:17:33,607
You went through
my e-mails?

431
00:17:35,609 --> 00:17:37,278
Hey, I'm not on trial here!

432
00:17:37,311 --> 00:17:39,280
You're the ones
with the sex tape.

433
00:17:39,313 --> 00:17:42,750
All right, I-I know
Don definitely saw it.

434
00:17:42,783 --> 00:17:44,418
Well, first of all,

435
00:17:44,452 --> 00:17:46,520
thank you for such a delightful
and moving speech.

436
00:17:46,554 --> 00:17:47,855
But...

437
00:17:47,888 --> 00:17:49,857
I have not seen
the film in question.

438
00:17:49,890 --> 00:17:51,425
You said it was hot.

439
00:17:51,459 --> 00:17:54,094
I was talking about
your heated toilet seat.

440
00:17:56,630 --> 00:17:58,532
Rudy told me you put in cameras
so I thought you saw me

441
00:17:58,566 --> 00:18:00,534
when I stopped by for a test
drive when you weren't there.

442
00:18:02,170 --> 00:18:06,140
Little tip:
don't turn it up to ten. Oof.

443
00:18:08,509 --> 00:18:12,513
Okay, so n-nobody
knew about the video,

444
00:18:12,546 --> 00:18:16,217
but now you do, because
we just told you.

445
00:18:16,250 --> 00:18:19,553
(chuckles) Look at Sex Tape Andi
trying to put it together.

446
00:18:19,587 --> 00:18:22,390
I told you they'd call
us that! I told you.

447
00:18:22,423 --> 00:18:24,625
JOE:
Don't be ashamed, son.

448
00:18:24,658 --> 00:18:28,162
Your mom and I, we-we made a
Super 8 back in the '70s, huh?

449
00:18:28,196 --> 00:18:30,564
We enjoyed it.

450
00:18:30,598 --> 00:18:32,866
We had some good times with it,
until I accidentally sold it

451
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,235
at a yard sale.

452
00:18:35,803 --> 00:18:38,506
Best 50 cents
that guy ever spent.
Yeah.

453
00:18:46,947 --> 00:18:49,717
Hey, so if nobody
watched the video,

454
00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:51,952
why was it paused
halfway through?

455
00:18:51,985 --> 00:18:55,656
(scoffs) I don't know why anyone
would pause that masterpiece.

456
00:18:55,689 --> 00:18:57,325
It was probably a glitch.

457
00:18:57,358 --> 00:18:58,626
A glitch? Is that a thing?

458
00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,328
I'd like to think so. Yeah.

459
00:19:00,361 --> 00:19:01,629
(stammers)
You know, it doesn't matter.

460
00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:02,796
It's deleted.

461
00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:03,964
(sighs)

462
00:19:03,997 --> 00:19:06,900
But I will never delete it...
from here.

463
00:19:06,934 --> 00:19:08,836
(laughs)

464
00:19:08,869 --> 00:19:12,840
So, um, do you really think
we need to spice things up?

465
00:19:12,873 --> 00:19:15,643
I mean, I thought
we were pretty spicy already.

466
00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:19,513
Uh, we are, yeah, but there's
no such thing as too spicy.

467
00:19:19,547 --> 00:19:21,482
Huh? I mean, I only
have two moves:

468
00:19:21,515 --> 00:19:24,418
The Go Fast and
the Catch My Breath.

469
00:19:24,452 --> 00:19:25,553
(knocking on door)

470
00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:27,421
ADAM:
Hey, Rudy.
Hey, guys.

471
00:19:27,455 --> 00:19:28,556
How's it going?

472
00:19:28,589 --> 00:19:29,623
Not too good.

473
00:19:29,657 --> 00:19:32,693
I don't even have a fitted sheet
on my bed anymore.

474
00:19:33,561 --> 00:19:35,363
I've hit rock bottom,

475
00:19:35,396 --> 00:19:37,498
and I thought, "You know
what would be great down here?

476
00:19:37,531 --> 00:19:38,699
Some ham."

477
00:19:38,732 --> 00:19:40,601
Hey, uh...

478
00:19:40,634 --> 00:19:42,436
Buddy, I-I don't think we can

479
00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:45,239
give this back; you got a bit
of a self-control issue.

480
00:19:45,273 --> 00:19:47,275
I have a self-control issue?

481
00:19:47,308 --> 00:19:49,443
You won't even let
your wife do the dishes

482
00:19:49,477 --> 00:19:50,578
without jumping her bones.

483
00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:52,413
(gasps)

484
00:19:53,581 --> 00:19:55,383
You watched it?

485
00:19:55,416 --> 00:19:56,717
And it was you
who paused it.

486
00:19:57,618 --> 00:19:58,852
Why would you pause it?

487
00:19:58,886 --> 00:20:00,454
That's not important.
Go ahead, honey.

488
00:20:02,490 --> 00:20:03,891
Well, h-how did
you see it?

489
00:20:03,924 --> 00:20:06,394
Well, I came by to check
on the security system,

490
00:20:06,427 --> 00:20:08,596
and I opened your iPad
and up popped the video

491
00:20:08,629 --> 00:20:10,298
of you two getting freaky.

492
00:20:11,499 --> 00:20:13,467
Swinging a towel, and...

493
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:15,303
bubbles flying everywhere...
ANDI: Okay, okay.

494
00:20:15,336 --> 00:20:17,037
That's enough.
Yeah, that towel thing

495
00:20:17,070 --> 00:20:18,939
just kind of came
to me in the moment.

496
00:20:18,972 --> 00:20:21,041
Yeah.

497
00:20:21,074 --> 00:20:22,410
I can't believe
this happened.

498
00:20:22,443 --> 00:20:23,477
So, anyways,

499
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:25,679
I paused it-- sorry...

500
00:20:27,448 --> 00:20:29,617
...and then I left.
I wouldn't have said anything,

501
00:20:29,650 --> 00:20:31,752
but you guys started
ham-shaming me.

502
00:20:35,022 --> 00:20:37,325
Okay, I-I'll
tell you what.

503
00:20:37,358 --> 00:20:39,893
We'll give you this back

504
00:20:39,927 --> 00:20:42,430
if you swear to never
speak of that video again.

505
00:20:42,463 --> 00:20:43,964
Don't worry, everything
that happened this week,

506
00:20:43,997 --> 00:20:45,766
I am taking to the grave.

507
00:20:45,799 --> 00:20:47,501
Which could be pretty soon,

508
00:20:47,535 --> 00:20:49,703
because my heart is beating
twice as fast now.

509
00:20:53,341 --> 00:20:54,475
(door closes)

510
00:20:54,508 --> 00:20:55,676
Well, there goes a man

511
00:20:55,709 --> 00:20:58,011
who's gonna wake up
next to a ham.
Oh.

512
00:21:02,716 --> 00:21:06,687
Captioning sponsored by
CBS

513
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,791
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org