- Previously on "Time Traveling Bong"...
- I can'’t get off without HD porn, Sharee.
[whooshing]
- Watch out! - Hey!
- Oh, my God.
"Time traveling bong."
[dramatic music]
- Witchcraft has come to Salem.
We will stamp it out.
- [screams]
[glass shatters]
both: No!
- I found a glassblower.
I think he'’s gonna do an amazing job.
- Your vase-pipe, Sir Jeff.
- This looks like shit! [goat bleats]
Here goes the witch!
[Sharee screams] [whooshing]
- The glassblower messed up the bong when he blew it.
- Now we have no ability to control where we go,
forcing us to bounce around
the space-time continuum indefinitely?
We'’re going to raise Michael Jackson as our son.
I can'’t do this. - Me either.
Holy shit.
The best time in human history: ancient Greece.
both: Greek salad!
[funky music]
♪
[upbeat bouzouki music]
♪
- Wow, great view.
- Yeah, it'’s okay.
- Huh.
- I can read this.
- What? - Yeah.
I know the Greek alphabet. - Wait, how?
- From my one semester at SDT at Rutgers before I dropped out.
I'’m a sorority girl, remember?
- Right. Yeah.
- [speaking Greek]
There'’s an event or something?
Hold on. Excuse me.
- Wow.
- Okay. [burps]
There'’s a really hot party tonight.
Free wine, beans, chestnuts, and toasted wheat!
Yes! - Nice!
Dude, I could so use a party after that child rearing.
My God.
- We earned this time period, right?
- Yeah, we did. Yes.
- I'’m gonna do a smoky eye and a nude lip.
What are you gonna do?
- I guess I'’ll put on a toga.
- Greek salad. - Greek salad.
[exotic techno music]
♪
- ♪ Hey
♪ Hey
♪
- This party is great, huh? - Yeah.
Thank you. - Except for all the kids.
- No, it'’s good, you know?
Greeks are way more enlightened.
Kids should mingle with adults.
We should treat them like real people.
She literally doesn'’t know anyone else here.
♪
- ♪ Hey
♪
- [speaking Greek]
♪
- ♪ Hey
♪
[woman moaning]
- Oh, it'’s that kind of party.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- Well, when in Rome, right?
- Wait, we'’re in Rome?
- No, we'’re in Greece.
- Oh, yeah, I thought Greece.
I just--I got confused when you said Rome.
- No, yeah, Greece.
- Okay.
Bye.
[upbeat bouzouki music]
♪
[intense techno music]
♪
[people moaning]
- Hey! - Oh, hi!
How are you? - Oh!
I'’m great. This is crazy, right?
- I know.
Do you think it'’s safe? - I don'’t know.
I mean, I'’m wearing a sheep'’s bladder as a condom,
but I mean, I hope it works.
I think people are really drawn to my teeth,
because I don'’t-- I'’m, like, doing really well.
- Yeah, everybody'’s doing really well.
It'’s an orgy.
- Well, yeah.
[both laugh]
Good point.
- You know what?
I don'’t think we'’ve partied together since high school.
- Whoa. Is that true?
How can that be true?
- I don'’t know.
We just started hanging out with different groups, you know?
- Yeah.
- And then when Grandma died...
- We became roommates, and when you'’re roommates,
you never make plans to hang out.
You just complain and...
- Talking about how you leave piss on the seat.
- Or how you never take out the trash
or do the dishes.
- Or how you ejaculate on my electronics...
- [laughs] - Repeatedly.
- Sorry. I know. Sorry.
Well, you know what?
It has been really great
seeing you blossom on this trip.
- And how about you, dude?
Back at home, I feel like you were...
stuck.
But here you put yourself out there, and it pays off.
I mean, a girl is sucking your [bleep] right now.
- I know!
It'’s crazy.
This has been so fun.
- I wouldn'’t have wanted to time travel with anybody else.
- Aw. That'’s cool. Me either.
Best cousins.
- Best cousins. Greek salad.
- Greek salad.
♪
Ooh!
♪
Huh.
- Oh! - [gasps]
- What is that? - Oh!
- Is that a b--
- Did we-- - Did we f--
[both scream]
- Oh, my God.
Did we f-- [retching]
- [retching]
I don'’t know.
I don'’t think so. I don'’t think so.
Oh, God, but it'’s hard to remember.
It'’s such a blur.
Bodies and passion and--
[gagging]
[both retching]
- We'’re cousins, Jeff.
- [retching and spitting]
I know, Sharee.
- [retches]
I knew I shouldn'’t have come with you.
- What?
- I knew this was a bad idea!
- Before you time traveled,
you'’d never had an orgasm
and you were dating a married guy.
- I like my life. I like my job at Hertz.
I like my shitty married boyfriend.
You were the one trying to escape your sad life.
Now we'’re both weird loser [bleep]-cousins.
- Alleged!
- Ew! Ew!
- You didn'’t seem to mind when your finger was in my butthole.
- That was you?
- You said my butthole was tighter than a dime
and I need to loosen up.
- Stop! Oh, God!
Listen.
If we ever get back to 2016,
I think you should move out.
- Fine. You know what?
If we ever get back to 2016, I will.
In fact, I think we need some space right now.
- Great idea.
- [giggling]
- But let'’s maybe get it somewhere else.
- Yeah, there'’s some serious abuse happening here.
- Oh, it'’s rough.
[dramatic music]
♪
[whooshing]
Oh, I forgot to get a Greek salad!
♪
[whooshing]
[both grunting]
It does not get any easier.
- Ah. - God.
Is that a flying car?
[engine whirring]
- It'’s the future.
- [laughs]
Oh, my God.
♪
- This must be a dump.
- God.
- Let'’s get out of here.
- Yikes.
♪
Ugh.
- Nope.
- Another dead end.
- Maybe we should get high.
- Ooh, there'’s got to be something to smoke out of here.
- No, I mean get higher up
and see if we can see where the exit is.
- Fine.
- All right, come on.
- [grunts]
[ominous music]
♪
Oh, my God.
Did you just fart?
- No!
I think you'’re probably smelling
the huge pile of trash you'’re on.
- Duh. Sorry.
- It'’s okay.
♪
- [grunting]
Ooh, God.
God, it is redonkulously hot.
- Oh, my God, you'’re really red.
- Holy shit, so are you.
- Ah. Ow! - We'’re burning alive!
- Ooh! Ow!
Get in the shade. Get in the shade.
- There'’s no shade. It'’s just trash.
- Shit. - Oh!
- Oh, God!
I can smell your skin.
- Ooh, it'’s sizzling.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh. - Good idea.
Let'’s get out of here!
- Give me the bong. Give me the bong.
- Go! - I can'’t.
My fingers are too sweaty.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
[hip-hop music playing]
♪
[music stops]
Oh, thank you.
- [speaking a Chinese language]
- English. - Do you speak English?
- [with Chinese accent] Yes, English.
I am Dasani.
This is my friend Aquafina.
And that'’s JoJo.
- Are you guys doing an accent?
- Yeah, I know we just met, but that'’s kind of racist.
- I'’m not doing accent.
Chinese is first official language of America.
- You use accent like drunk uncle does at holiday.
It'’s very passé. [laughs]
- Me so sorry.
Ah, it is almost noon.
We must get inside. Come.
- "Me so sorry"?
- It just came out. I don'’t know.
- We are so happy to meet new defectors
of the evil corporation Nomsanto.
- Now that you'’re out, you can finally learn the truth.
- Yeah, walk us through some stuff.
Pretend like we don'’t know anything.
- [blowing forcefully]
Nomsanto is agricultural biotechnology company
that rules our world.
- In 2009, Citizens United allowed corporations
to sponsor elections.
- Nomsanto gained influence and abolished
the Environmental Protections Agency.
- So Earth grew too hot for plants to grow,
and the world was plagued with famine.
Corporations kept merging until there were only two:
Nomsanto and Vivid Entertainment.
- The porn company?
- Yes.
- That'’s awesome.
- Why did you defect?
Is the resistance forming?
- Actually, we'’re not defectors.
- Are you spies?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We'’re not spies, okay? We'’re not spies.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- Well, who are you, then?
- We'’re time travelers.
- [gasps]
Did you employ the principles of the Tipler Cylinder?
- Can you confirm our Schroedinger equation in QM?
- Mm...no.
- We'’ve been working
on a time traveling tool to save our world.
And we developed this.
- The bong but fixed.
- We can go home.
- It'’s a time traveling bong.
- We know. - Yeah.
- It started as a silly idea among friends
when we would drink gasoline.
- But then it actually turned out to be a thing.
- Which is pretty hilarious.
- Since nothing can grow on Earth anymore,
we cannot use it
'’cause it'’s fueled by the ancient herb marijuana.
- Oh, my God, I have weed.
- [gasps]
[ethereal vocal music]
♪
- Sticky, right?
- So [bleep] sticky.
[bird screeches]
[blipping]
[beeping]
[alarm beeping]
[both speaking a Chinese language]
- We should use your sweet bud to time travel immediately.
- Or we could keep the seeds and synthetically replicate it.
There'’s a huge market for it.
I know some guys who could distribute.
- We don'’t have to be "dealers."
We would just sell enough that we smoke for free.
- No, no, no, no, or you guys
could do your original plan,
which is to time travel.
- Well, we don'’t know if the bong works yet,
so we might as well get high first anyway.
- No, it does work. Look.
We used it to get here.
- Uh, what the [bleep] is that?
- It'’s your bong.
- It looks like shit.
- Yeah, well, we broke it.
- But we used it to get here.
We got it from these future people,
this black lady and this white dude.
They'’re wearing "Star Trek" stuff--
[both gasp]
[all groaning]
[dramatic music]
♪
- [groaning]
♪
- Sharee.
- Sharee!
- They took the weed.
- Yeah, and Sharee.
Where did they take her?
- There'’s an incinerator room
at the core of the Nomsanto Center.
- Oh, my God.
I have to save her.
Sharee!
- Hey, actually, I don'’t know my way around here.
Can you guys show me how to get to the Nomsanto Center?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, definitely.
- All right, let'’s hurry, though.
- Get my gloves.
- Guys, please, no.
What are you gonna do to me?
- You were found in possession of plant life,
which is illegal.
- That is such bullshit.
Nature rules us, not the other way around.
[both laugh]
[dramatic music]
♪
- We can go no further.
Our ID chips might sound the alarms.
You must go alone.
- I don'’t know if I can do this alone, guys.
- Here, take this.
- It is your only hope to escape.
But promise us, Jeff, you will come back for us.
Together we must save the planet.
- Uh, I mean, I'’ll try, yeah.
I gue--I'’ll try.
Okay? Cool.
So is there, like, a secret entrance,
or, like, can you override an access code?
Can you hack into the system
and shut down security so I can--
- Nope. - That'’d be great, right?
We can'’t. Just can'’t do it.
- I wish. That'’d be so cool.
- Oh.
- But there is one way you can get inside undetected.
You must climb through the biohazard chute.
- This shit?
- Through there will take you
straight to the n'’energy core.
- I can'’t climb up there.
There'’s condoms and syringes and shit.
What if I get AIDS?
- What? Oh, no, AIDS has been eradicated.
- It has?
Wow, I guess that'’s one good thing about the future.
[sighs] Okay.
Thank you, guys.
I'’ll never forget you.
- You are coming back for us, though, right?
- Yeah, I'’ll do my best.
Oh, this is just open.
Whoof.
This is the only way? No other way?
Wow. Wow.
Okay.
Oof, Jesus.
God, it stinks! Oof!
- AIDS hasn'’t been eradicated.
- I know.
It'’s worse than ever.
But he was freaking out, so that'’s life.
[scanner beeping]
- Oh, God.
[whimpering]
Please, no.
Please, please, please.
Please, please.
What are you doing?
No!
Oh, God!
Oh, God damn it!
That was just starting to heal.
[muffled screaming]
- [laughs]
[dramatic music]
- I can'’t do this.
Mm-mm.
Oh! Oh!
Where am I?
Oh!
[spits]
Okay.
[alarm blaring]
Oh.
[sputtering]
Oh! Oh!
[gasping]
[whimpering]
[dramatic music]
♪
- [muffled whimpering]
- You are an illegal citizen,
and possession of plant life is punishable by death.
♪
- This is the third computer you'’ve destroyed.
[echoing] Destroyed.
- It'’s not my fault everything breaks
if a drop of jizz hits it.
[echoing] Drop of jizz hits it.
- Aim, Jeff.
[echoing] Aim.
♪
- [moans]
♪
Oh. You can do it, Jeff. Come on.
[echoing] I can'’t get off without porn.
♪
- [muffled whimpering]
♪
- Oh, please.
♪
[exciting music]
♪
[electricity crackling] Oh! Oh!
[dramatic music]
[alarm blaring]
[woman speaking a Chinese language over P.A. system]
- Come on. Come on, Jeff.
Come on. Come on.
- [groaning]
Sharee, I [bleep] without porn.
- I saw. I literally couldn'’t look away.
- I have the bong.
- Yes! We can smoke it and go home.
- It'’s going to be hard without this.
- No!
I'’m gonna kill you, bitch!
[alarm continues blaring]
Yes!
Ow, God.
[whooshing]
- Oh! [laughs] - Oh! Oh!
- Oh, my God! - We'’re home!
- We'’re home! Oh!
We'’re home!
- Wait, wait. - Yes.
- Did you just smoke your hair? - Yeah.
Remember in 2007 when Britney Spears had her meltdown?
She saved her head '’cause she didn'’t want to be tested for THC
'’cause she would lose her children.
And I realized I must have enough THC in my hair,
so I smoked it, and it worked.
- That'’s genius. You are so smart.
- I am. I'’m smart now.
- Oh.
[gasps] Crispin! - Crispin! Hi!
- Oh, Crispin! - Oh, my God!
Hi! - Oh, we missed you, buddy.
- Oh, my God, there is so much I missed.
- Me too.
- Running water.
[triumphant music]
Medicine.
- Toilet paper!
[doorbell rings]
both: Food!
[laughter on TV]
[both laugh]
[pounding at door]
- Oh, God, yeah.
- Come on, let'’s go.
Applebee'’s happy hour ends in 30 minutes.
I'’m not paying full price for shit.
- Jesus. Okay, we'’re not dating anymore.
I'’m breaking up with you.
- Cut the bullshit, fat tits. Come on, let'’s go.
- You know, I might have [bleep] my cousin,
and it was a healthier situation than this.
- Wait a minute. What did you say?
- [slurping]
Mm, sorry.
This is the best time.
- It really is.
You know, I didn'’t realize before
how shitty the world has been
for women forever.
- Mm. Yeah.
- I really learned that I need to be
the best woman that I can be.
I owe it to the women who'’ve suffered before me.
- I learned...how to masturbate without porn.
- That'’s something.
- That'’s huge.
- It'’s something.
- That'’s huge.
[sighs]
I always said I was...
both: Born in the wrong decade.
- I know.
- But I was just blaming my stupid life on that.
And the fact is, I'’m really lucky to have been born now,
and I need to take advantage of it
and not make excuses, you know?
- Totally. That'’s amazing.
- Thank you.
- Another classic from the king of pop, Michael Jackson.
both: Whoa!
- One of his greatest hits from 1986...
- Our son.
- "Left Behind."
- ♪ You took me
♪ Then you left me
- You don'’t think that'’s about us.
- ♪ My mommy, my mommy
♪ My mommy and my daddy
♪ Hee-hee
- That'’s about us, yeah.
- Okay. - Ooh.
- I'’m definitely done with time travel.
- Me too.
- What should we do with the bong?
- Hmm.
[somber music]
♪
[sighs]
- Okay, I have to talk a couple things through.
- Yeah.
- Why aren'’t there doubles of us?
- Oh.
- Also, how did the future people
get here in the first place if they didn'’t have weed?
- Mm-hmm.
- Also, I'’m like, "Why didn'’t we land
"where the future people landed in the street
when we first saw them?"
You know, aren'’t there parallel, alternate timelines
that we'’re dealing with here?
- Yeah, there'’s a lot of theory about time travel, right,
and I'’ve been giving it a lot of thought,
and I think I figured it out.
Here'’s the airtight logic.
So-- [door slams]
[dramatic percussive music]
♪
- Action!
[both grunting and screaming]
- Oh, my God! - Ah!
- ♪ Blame it on the dro
♪ Blame it on the pills
♪ Got my eyes sittin'’ low ♪
♪ Blame it on the dope
♪ Blame it on the dro
♪ Blame it on the pills
♪ Got my eyes sittin'’ low ♪
♪ You can blame it on the dro