(PA BEEPS)
DR. FRENKEL: Well, it doesn't take a genius to see
Ben's veered off the food pyramid.
Mind telling us what you've been swallowing?
Not a whole lot... A tack, a pencil sharpener,
you got cabinet knobs,
some matches, Alba's mood ring.
Okay, enough with the guessing game,
I'm freaking out over here.
Can you just tell me how bad it is?
Ben, can you go play in the waiting area,
so I can have a word with your aunt?
-Okay. -Thanks.
It'll just be a minute, sweetie.
(DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES)
Physically, Ben's fine.
The kid's got an iron stomach
so as long as he passes the objects
-there should be no problem. -Really?
Oh, that's great.
This is awesome news, thank you.
I wouldn't say it's awesome.
This is more telling of a psychological issue.
Has Ben been undergone any recent trauma?
I mean, barring his parents getting arrested
and fleeing the country without saying good-bye,
I... I... Nothing comes to mind.
I see he burnt his taste buds off.
Right, yeah, that.
Forgot about that one. That happened.
Listen, I get you're new to this whole parenting thing,
but do you think you're up to the task?
Yeah, totally. It's just... It's been a little bit
of an adjustment period, but I can... I can do this, I got this.
I got it, right?
It's not all bad... I see he had a birthday last week.
You guys do anything fun?
Mm-hmm.
Where are my keys?
Just had them.
Oh, come on.
(SIGHS) All right.
(GRUNTS)
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
Get in.
(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
MAN: ...got his residence.
WOMAN: What are you gonna do when you find him?
MAN: I mean, he's been on the streets for how many years now?
WOMAN: As long as we've been part...
-(TV TURNS OFF) -Hey! What the hell?
Oh, I'm sorry, were you watching that?
Is that why you were too busy to remember
you little brothers' birthday?
Oh, yikes.
-Oh... -Ay bendito.
I mean, at least I'm new around here, you're his siblings.
Hey, don't put this on us, okay? That was Mom's job.
So was paying taxes.
She wasn't doing a real bang-up job
of that either. Seriously, though,
do you guys ever think about anybody but yourselves?
JIMMY: She's right.
You really dropped the ball on this one.
I'm sorry, who is this derelict
and why is he still here?
Yeah, time to go home, dude.
Hey! Back off.
Jimmy's my guy and I say he stays.
Oh yeah? He's your boyfriend?
-Yeah. -No, he is my guy.
We don't do labels.
But I'm... I'm not opposed to a label.
Shut up, Jimmy. You guys suck.
We never forgot little Ben's birthday before you showed up.
SABRINA: Yeah, you're the one who's always
babbling on about how you're the boss.
I am the boss.
Well, then act like one.
Fine.
I will fix this myself.
Yeah, take a mulligan.
You tell him it's his birthday this weekend,
he's not gonna know the difference.
See?
There we go, Jimmy, that's my guy.
-Thank you. -All right, what'd you guys do
for birthdays around here when you were his age?
Uh, well, I flew 15 of my closest friends to Paris
for Fashion Week.
I took batting practice at Yankee Stadium.
Gross.
Hey, buddy.
What you doing?
Uh, he seems to be staring at a wall.
(QUIETLY) Yeah.
Oh, no, hey, hey, hey.
Hock it up, come on.
-Ugh! See what we're dealing with? -JIMMY: Yeah.
Hey, Ben, buddy,
we got a surprise for you, okay?
-It's your birthday! Ah! -Oh!
-Really? -SABRINA: Yeah.
How old am I turning?
Come on... What? No, that's on him, he's got to know that.
MICKEY: Well,
ni... Nine?
No. Ten...
Let's go with seven.
(CHUCKLES) Seven, you silly goose.
SABRINA: Yeah! Congratulations!
So, what do you want at your party this weekend?
Will Mommy and Daddy be there?
Oh, gosh, uh, no, uh, misunderstanding.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) I was thinking more along the lines
of, like, a theme.
Oh. How about a Mommy and Daddy theme?
Uh, buddy, I just want to know
what kind of stuff you like.
Uh, lots of stuff.
-Mice... -Uh-huh.
My Mini Pony dolls,
syrup,
the Iraq War,
getting rolled up in the carpet
like a taquito.
-Yeah! -(CHUCKLES)
I mean, who doesn't?
This kid.
Thank you.
That gives us a real good jumping-off point,
-buddy, right? -JIMMY: Yeah.
-Get ready for the best party ever. -Whoo!
(SOFTLY) Yeah. Let's go.
Let's do that kid a favor and not do any of that stuff.
Why don't we just stick with what's worked millions of years,
cake, clowns, balloons?
Yeah, if it's not broke, you don't fix it.
Oh, what's the name of the clown that everyone got growing up?
-Sully? -Yeah.
Sully the Clown!
That guy's the best.
What, a clown? Sounds pretty lame.
No, not this guy.
He's like the Mick Jagger of clowns.
We find somebody half as good as Sully, we are in business.
-MICKEY: One more time. -ALMA: One, two, three, hit it!
-(RAPPING) Ha-ppy birth-day -(ALMA HUMS ALONG)
Gonna blow out all the candles On your birthday
And we wish we knew The age of your birthday
BOTH: 'Cause people should know the kids' birthday!
-Wika-ow! -I like what you're adding at the end.
-I... I like it. I think it's good. -It really puts a nice spin on it.
-It's nice. -You know what? We're gonna shove
-this party in their stupid faces. -Ugh. Oh.
-What the hell is this? -(KIDS SCREAMING AND LAUGHING)
What are all those balloons?
There's so many.
-(GASPS) -Oh... No, no.
Oh!
(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(KIDS LAUGHING, CHATTERING)
(CAKE THUDS)
Well, no one's gonna miss that.
SABRINA: Hey, so glad you could make it.
What the hell is this?
Well, we decided we couldn't let
Ben's name be on the marquee of your crap fest,
so we stepped up and threw him the party he deserves.
I thought we agreed I'm the boss.
No, if you saw my silence as agreeing with you,
that's on you.
Well, what happened to keeping it basic?
We did. We basically threw the best party ever.
-Too bad Ben couldn't care less about it. -What? Hmm?
SABRINA: Come on, he's surrounded by ten grand in gourmet candy,
and he's eating crayons?
Yeah, well, don't take it personally,
his heart just isn't for sale.
JIMMY: Ho!
-(CLAPS) Whoo! Sully in the house! -MICKEY: What?
-Who the hell is this guy? -What do you mean? It's Sully.
Sully who?
-The Sully? -Yeah.
I looked him up.
But, Jimmy, I told you to get somebody like Sully.
No, I know, I heard you and I did you one better.
Got the real McCoy.
MICKEY: Yeah, but this guy looks like hell.
-Oh, you should've seen him an hour ago. -Ugh.
JIMMY: I gave him some coffee, he perked right up.
Your guy really came through, huh?
CHIP: This is the clown
you were so excited about?
The name's Sully the Spectacular.
Yeah, spectacularly stupid.
JIMMY: Hey!
You're in the presence of greatness.
It's cool.
I get it.
I'm an unproven entity.
Let's see now...
(ALL YELL IN ASTONISHMENT)
-Oh... -Oh! Oh!
Did you just rip a bird out of the sky?
Yeah, he did! Impressed now?
Yeah, I mean obviously my... (STAMMERS)
-That's the dopest thing I've ever seen! -(CHUCKLES)
Is that even a trick?
Yeah, I doubt the bird liked it. (SCOFFS)
What bird?
-Ooh! -(CHIP GASPS)
(LAUGHING)
-(MICKEY LAUGHS) -Wow!
-Yes! Yeah! Yeah! -CHIP: What?
Wha... What?
Wow, is that clown for me?
MICKEY: You better believe it, buddy.
Go round up the troops and meet me in the living room
if you want to have your minds blown out of your butts
-by Sully the Spectacular. -Cool.
Hey, everyone!
Come inside if you want to have your butts blown
by a freaking clown!
(KIDS CHEERING)
Yeah.
All right, How do I get my hands on a slice of cake?
Whoa, cake's for closers, Sully, okay?
You razzle-dazzle them and then we'll talk.
Looks like my little crap fest is right up Ben's alley.
Hope you guys didn't spend
too much money on the rides,
and the games, and all the whatnots.
Who's the clown now?
Of course Ben would choose a demented clown
over this amazing party.
Why wouldn't he?
He'll be back.
I got a different horse in this race,
or shall I say pony?
I'm guessing you got him a My Mini Pony?
No, because that'd be the lamest thing ever.
I got him a real pony.
Which saying out loud also sounds pretty lame.
You know what?
Just, uh, tell everybody to meet out on the front lawn
in ten minutes.
No, screw that, let's drop that thing
right through the front door and up the gut
of her stupid-ass party.
All right, what do we call this...
Girl?
She got a name?
Uh, "Ice Cream."
(PONY SNORTS)
What do I feed her?
Ah, you know, standard stuff. Carrots, hay.
Definitely not chocolate, though.
Chocolate, isn't that a dog thing?
Nah, horses, dogs, same thing.
-Are they? -Hey, they're both animals, right?
Help me up on this thing.
All right, here you go.
-I'll boost you. Oh, hey. -(GRUNTS)
Oh, oh, easy now. Oh.
-Where are the brakes on this? -I don't know.
-I'm just the delivery guy. -What? No, where you going?
Don't leave!
Where are you going?
Stop. Where you going? Where you going?
Stop! No!
Sabrina!
Sabrina, help!
'Sup.
Oh...
Stop. Oh, God...
Help!
Okay, Sully, this is it, let's do it.
You got it. Just, uh, give me ten minutes
and we'll light this place up.
-Mm-mm, yeah. -Light it up.
But did you not just hear me?
I said this is it, it's showtime.
Oh, I heard you, but I got to bang out
my pre-show ritual first.
Where's your green room?
Oh, no, man, this is a home,
so we... We don't have a green room,
but you should do whatever you need to do.
Well, what other kind of rooms do you have?
For you? The bathroom.
You be back in two minutes or so help me God
I will take the cake off the table.
Well, you don't have to be a bitch about it.
Oh, hey, come on, man.
Where's Sully going?
Eh... He... He just needed to stretch,
but he'll be right back.
(KIDS SIGH, GROAN)
Yeah, maybe he will.
Or maybe we'll never see him again.
-Who here likes surprises? -Hey.
-(KIDS YELLING OVER EACH OTHER) -That's what I thought. Okay.
You guys sit tight, I'm gonna run
and get the best surprise
in the history of birthdays.
(KIDS CHEER) Yay!
-Yes. -Hey, what are you doing?
I got a thing going here.
-You do? Hmm. -Yeah.
I don't see anything.
Yeah, but... Mm. Ugh.
Chip, we're ready for the pony!
Chip!
No. Hey! Ah!
All right, all right. Yeah.
(SCREAMS)
(PHONE VIBRATING)
-Chip? -Sabrina!
Oh, I've never been happi... No, no!
(SCREAMS)
Damn it.
Damn it!
This one in the star glasses, is she eyeballing me?
-Oh. -Oh, hey there.
-Hey. -We're so excited
about your surprise, did you bring the surprise?
Is it in your pocket?
Yeah, it's coming.
-Mm. -Chip is just
a little tied up at the moment.
-Oh. -So,
let's get on with the clown show.
Oh, we would love to, but you eighty-sixed the clown.
Remember when she made us get rid of that fun clown,
who was gonna do fun clown stuff?
-(MURMURING AGREEMENT) -I remember. Yeah.
We did that
because we were waiting for that
big surprise that you promised.
Are you gonna break your promise?
-No. -Uh-uh. We don't break promises.
No, I would never break a promise, okay?
It's just... It's just gonna take
a little bit longer, that's all.
-MICKEY: Mm. -(KIDS GROAN)
Ms. Mickey?
-Mm. -We have a problem.
Not now, Alba, I'm gloating.
Uh, no, this is something that cannot wait.
So, come on,
let's move fast
to... Towards that something
that is in the other room.
You are not moving fast enough for this thing
that is something.
-We can just go. -MICKEY: All right.
-Ay... -Oh, whoa.
Dear God!
-Gross! -(ALBA SPEAKS SPANISH)
Oh...
Oh, clown down.
-What the hell happened? -What do you think happened?
Syringe, spoon, tied-off balloon...
come on, do the math.
-Nice one, Mickey! -What did I do?
You brought a junkie to a kid's birthday party!
No, I didn't. He did.
No, I... Uh...
No! You asked for this guy!
I didn't, I asked for someone like this guy.
-I got you the real guy! -Oh, he's alive!
-He's choking! -JIMMY: Oh, get in there!
-What? -Get the airway, get the airway!
Okay, hang in there, Sully, I got to clear this out!
Open your mouth.
-I... I fishhooked something. -Get it!
-Here we go. What... -Get it.
Whoa. What?
Are you kidding me?
(GROANING) This is crazy!
Oh, man, Ben would have loved that.
This is so stupid!
-(GROANS) -SABRINA: Get it out!
ALBA: Get him moving or something.
I'm... I'm try... (GROANS)
Cough it up! I did it, I got it!
-At least he's alive, sort of. -Wake up!
I know you're in there, man. Wake up!
-JIMMY: Harder! -MICKEY: Stop it!
Wake up!
Don't leave me now, Sully, come on!
-Come on, Sully! -JIMMY: Sully!
Hey, guys, what you doing?
-MICKEY: Huh? -ALL: No!
-(ALL YELLING) -Oh! Oh, no!
He swallowed it.
It's all the way down. It's gone.
That's okay, that's okay.
It's okay, it's good, we're fine.
-Uh, Alba? -Hmm?
Why don't you take our little birthday boy
back outside...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -...so I can come up with a plan.
-Okay, okay, come on, come on. -'Cause I will fix this.
-Come on. -I will fix it, I can.
-Uh... -That's not good!
-That balloon! -That's a bad balloon!
I'm gonna call 911!
-Yes! -Yes!
No, stop, stop!
Stop! Why?
Because... Listen to me.
Just let me think this through!
What is there to think about?
If we rush Ben to the emergency room right now,
they are going to pump his stomach
or they're gonna dissect him like a frog
and either way, guess what they're gonna find?
They're gonna find the balloon and they're not gonna like it!
Okay? And they're gonna call
Child Protective Services
and he is gonna go live in a group home,
for this birthday will be ruined and every birthday
after this one till he's 18 will be ruined.
Yeah, well, at least then he'll be safe from you!
Okay, you know wha...
I want to... (YELLS)
Is that what you want?
Is that really what you want?
You want me to go to jail?
(CHUCKLES)
No! No, I... No.
Fine. Now let's fix this.
What's the plan?
The plan is very simple.
The plan is get the bad balloon
out of Ben before it kills him.
-Yeah? -Yes, yes.
-Move! -Okay!
Yeah. Come on.
Just friggin' kill me already.
Oh, that's a step in the right direction.
Are we going home now? Ah!
Good pony.
Take-take a left. Take a left... Yeah!
No! No!
Slow down! Stop!
No!
(EXHALES) Coming in hot!
-Okay, did you get the ipecac? -No, I did not get the ipecac.
They were all out, but I got you one better.
-Bwah! -What the hell is this?
JIMMY: I have never seen someone drink that
-without throwing up. -What?
I asked you for ipecac and this is the best you can do?
Yeah, uh, well, yeah, I...
Honestly, that will make you throw up.
Wait, you want Ben to get wasted?
No, I don't want to get him wasted,
but if it happens, it happens.
This is your guy?
Everyone, relax! I got this.
I'm calling an audible, I'm going in manually, okay?
Ben, listen close.
What I'm about to do is gonna suck.
You're gonna hate it and that's okay.
Sometimes we hate things, you understand?
Open your mouth.
-What are you... Oh. -There we go.
Do you... Do you know what you're doing?
I'm pulling the trigger! All right?
You feelin' anything bubbling up?
-No, but it tickles. -Okay.
Seriously? I'm, like, knee-deep in there.
Oh...
SABRINA: I'm gonna puke. Come on. Come on!
Open wide. (GRUNTS)
Nothing, huh? No? Nothing?
This kid's got no gag reflex.
(GAGS)
JIMMY: What about a little shimmy?
-(SQUISHING) -Yeah.
-No? -JIMMY: What about a swirl?
Faster.
I ca...
-I mean, it's like... -I can't watch this.
Yeah, this is starting to get really uneasy.
-No, no, no, no! -Mickey, I'm going to puke.
All right, everyone just pull it together! Grow up!
No,
everyone just...
-Hold it together, it's... -(GROANS)
...it's all good.
-(RETCHES) -Oh!
(MICKEY COUGHING)
(RETCHING CONTINUES)
Screw it. Everyone shut your mouths.
I knew you'd come around.
This is for me!
Look, what am I doing here?
Just waiting for it to maybe pass?
Well, guess what?
What if it ruptures and maybe kills him?
What's Aunt Mickey talking about?
MICKEY: Nothing!
I am in charge,
I'm fine, I'm the boss,
and I am deciding that we're going to the hospital.
Okay,
Ben, listen.
Party's over, okay?
Your Aunt Mickey screwed up.
I screwed up and, um,
we're gonna have to take a little ride.
But we haven't even had cake yet.
JIMMY: Ah, he's right, Mick.
It's not a party unless you have cake.
Okay, we'll do cake first.
We'll do cake first.
We'll do cake before the drive
and we'll make a good memory.
It's the least we can do
before we send him off into the system.
ALL: (SINGING) Happy birthday to you
(DISTORTED) Happy birthday...
Cake!
...to you
Happy birthday dear Ben
SULLY: Cake!
ALL: Happy birthday
Cake!
Sully?
-Cake! -(GASPS)
What's happening?
-(PONY NEIGHS) -(SCREAMING) Get out of the way!
(CHIP SCREAMS)
SABRINA: (IN SLOW MOTION) Ben!
Look out!
(IN SLOW MOTION) Ben!
(GRUNTS)
(GUESTS SCREAM)
CHIP: Oh!
Oh, thank God it stopped!
(MICKEY CACKLES)
That's why he's my guy!
(COUGHING)
Oh. (LAUGHS)
I did it! I saved the day.
Eh.
You got me a pony!
This is the best birthday ever!
(ALL GROANING)
Oh, gross!
That got him to puke?
Oh! (YELLS)
Oh! Still intact!
-Yes! -Still intact!
We did it!
Oh, yay!
Oh, we did it. Come here, buddy.
Oh, nice work.
MICKEY: Hey, Sully.
-Get out of here. -Yeah, you're lucky
we don't call the cops on your junkie ass.
I'm no junkie. I'm a diabetic.
I live on birthday cake
and high fructose corn syrup.
Geez.
What about the needle and balloons?
Insulin and sugar pills.
The spoon?
Cake.
Try using less milk chocolate next time.
The frosting is supposed to be a vehicle for the cake,
not the star of the show.
(GROANS) Take the cake and get out of here.
Wow!
Well, that party was a disaster,
but at least Ben seems to be having fun.
MICKEY: Mm-hmm.
Hey, Ben, I think you missed one.
(BEN GASPS)
Who's it from?
I don't know,
we're gonna have to read the card.
(GASPS)
What?
A postcard from Iraq?
Iraq.
MICKEY: Who could that be from?
"Dear Ben, greetings from Iraq.
"Mommy and Daddy are sorry
"they couldn't celebrate your birthday,
"but we miss you and love you very much."
-Ah! -(GASPS)
"We'll be home
"as soon as we can.
"In the meantime, be a good boy
"and do what your Aunt Mickey says.
"Don't be fooled by her good looks,
"she's actually smarter than all of you."
Hmm.
"Love, Mom."
Oh, buddy!
-That's so great! -What's in it?
I don't know, you're gonna have to open it up, goofball.
(GASPS) Syrup!
(HUMS)
(GASPS) Taquitos!
My Mini Pony dolls!
(SMOOCHES)
-A mouse! -(MOUSE SQUEAKING)
Nice touch.
Thanks.
BEN: This is the greatest birthday ever!
I know you didn't ask for any of this.
BEN: I'm gonna have taquitos with syrup.
And I basically hate
every single thing about you,
the way you look, the way you sound,
your smell...
Is there a "but" coming?
But...
Whoop, he's eating the mouse.
-No! -Hey!
-I get the doctor. -Okay,
come on, kid.
What if we just dance again, huh?
You know, there's a chance
it actually crawls through.
Oh, sure!
Let's drop everything because Ben
swallowed something again. It's not even his real birthday!
What about me?
I was almost killed today!
MICKEY: This kid's got no gag reflex!