(EXHALES)
(COUGHING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Morning.
What you drinkin'?
Coffee. I like it when I smoke.
Yeah, so do I. So does everyone. That's why I made it.
Oh. Cool. Thank you.
I don't want a "thank you." I want my coffee.
Then make some more.
There is no more, or I would. I left for,
like, two seconds to grab a cigarette.
You shouldn't have left it unattended, then.
Okay. Well, good advice.
-(GASPING BREATH) -Ooh.
It's a little hot, isn't it?
(EXHALES) Good hot. It's just the way I like it.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it. (EXHALES)
Oh, Liz!
To what do we owe this pleasure?
I caught him in my bushes videotaping me in my shower!
Gross.
Not you. Just gross.
Omicron made me do it.
-Come on. -Who is Omicron?
It's... Come here. It's his imaginary friend.
Can you cut him some slack? He's going through a thing.
Frankly, I don't care. Ever since you showed up,
this whole family's been nothing but trouble for me.
-Keep him off my property... -Oh, yeah, yeah.
-...or I'm calling the police. -Oh, yeah. Totally. Thank you so much.
Hey, buddy, you've been hanging out
an awful lot with Omicron. Wouldn't you rather hang
with some real people?
Omicron is real... He's from Jupiter
and he talks like a robot.
And we're fixing up the tree house in the woods.
Yeah, no, totally... He's real, and I get that.
-Yeah. -But here's the thing,
if you need something, just come to me... Don't go to a neighbor
and ask for stuff, okay? Deal?
-Deal. -Cool.
Now, come on, give me a hug.
Then get out of here, okay? See ya.
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa. Get back here.
Turn around.
(SABRINA GASPS)
Ben! What?
Ben...
Since when do you smoke?
-They're not for me, they're for Omicron. -All right, you know what?
I tried to be real cool about this Omicron character,
but clearly he's a bad influence.
Get up to your room.
I hate you! I hate you both!
-(QUIET GASP) -Wow!
-What has gotten into that kid? -I have no idea.
(GRUNTS)
Oh.
-You two disgust me. -We said we were sorry.
No, I'm sorry...
For thinking I can count on you degenerates.
All right, we get it.
Do ya? I don't think you do. I think
your brain's too clogged up with smoke to "get" anything.
You're the reason Ben is out in the woods all day
just talking to himself.
He's got an imaginary friend. It's not a big deal.
I had one when I was his age.
Yeah. And look how you turned out.
Freakin' chimney with a blonde wig.
Maybe he should see a psychiatrist.
Absolutely not.
Pembertons do not talk to psychiatrists.
What he needs is a positive role model... That's where I come in.
Oh, God.
(WHISPERS) Pathetic.
Hmm.
He's right.
You should be ashamed.
Yeah, I'm ashamed as hell, okay?
-Kid's obviously got some issues. -Yeah, it's probably our fault
he made up Omicron in the first place.
I'm kind of getting anxious just thinking about it.
-Think I need a cigarette. Yeah. -Should probably have a cigarette.
Wha... I can't believe you two.
What kind of example are you setting for Benito?
Back off, Alba. You don't get it.
Don't I?
MICKEY: Is that a nicotine patch?
Alba, you smoked?
Yes, Alba smoked!
Since I was four years old.
In Guatemala, they would just hand them
to the children like candy.
Oh, you are just full of surprises.
And now I hide the patches in my first aid kit in my room
because I am embarrassed.
-(SIGHS) -Maybe we should try it.
Right? I mean, it worked for her, it could work for us.
-Yeah, we got to do something. -Yeah.
Yeah, maybe you go get one now.
Okay.
We were just kids.
(KNOCKING)
Hey, Ben, can we come in?
Hey, buddy.
Listen, we...
Feel like we came down on you pretty hard earlier,
and we are very sorry about that.
Yeah, we haven't been setting the best example for you, but...
Starting today that's all gonna change, okay?
-'Cause we're getting healthy. -We're getting healthy,
and you know what we're gonna do first?
Quit smoking cigarettes.
Because they're disgusting, and they cause
all kinds of nasty side effects.
Like what?
-Like asthma... -Mm-hmm.
And bad breath, yellow teeth,
-gross skin... -D...
Did you just point to me for gross skin?
You don't have great skin.
Wha... All right.
It doesn't matter. That's all surface stuff,
and everybody knows that it's what's on the inside
that matters the most.
Let me ask you this
important question. When you grow up,
you want to turn into a moody little bitch?
-No. -No!
Nobody does, 'cause it's awful to be around.
-So never smoke, got it? -Got it.
Okay. Good.
Does this mean I can still be friends with Omicron?
Sure.
-Yeah. Just stay out of trouble, okay? -Okay.
Maybe wash your hands and face.
Yeah. Take a shower.
I think he got it, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think he got it.
Honestly, I got it.
Cigarettes are nasty.
I've been looking for a reason to quit.
Me, too. (SIGHS)
-I feel healthier already. -Yeah.
-Me, too. -Yeah.
-Good night. -Good night.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Busted! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Addict!
-You are so weak. -You're one to talk.
Me? No! This?
That's nothing. That's, like, there was one left.
I didn't want it just hanging out...
-Sure. -...on my dresser, mocking me.
Sure...
Wha... Did you, did you open a new pack?
I'm responsibly weaning myself off.
Nah, you are so full of crap.
-So are you. -But guess what, this is my last one.
I just wanted one more to remind me how gross cigarettes are,
and then I am done.
-Yeah. -I'm done, 'cause they're gross.
-Totally. -Done.
MICKEY: So, they only come through
Rhode Island, like, once every ten years, so everybody's
super revved up for this show.
I scalp tickets in the parking lot,
and, like, ten minutes before they go onstage,
I down an entire bottle of cat morphine.
Wait, what the hell is that?
It's morphine for cats.
-Right. Stupid question. -Yeah. Right.
-Yeah. -So was the show awesome?
Literally no idea. I came to, like, four days later
in a mental institution getting my hair braided
by a woman who thought she was Lou Diamond Phillips.
(LAUGHS) You are nothing like my mom.
Oh, yeah? Where do you think I got the cat morphine?
(LAUGHS)
Give me another one.
-Ah. -That's it?
-Party's over. -All right, well, give me yours.
No way. You shouldn't have sucked yours down so fast.
Well, I was in the middle of a very exciting story.
Wha... You know what? Okay.
Fine, that's cool.
-We're nonsmokers now. -Yeah. We're done.
That's what we wanted. We got what we wanted.
It's too bad, 'cause that was fun.
-Yeah. -It was little fun. We, uh, became
-smoking buddies just in time to stop. -Right.
-I'll see you tomorrow. -Yeah.
Doesn't get much better than this.
Quality time with your big bro.
Lungs filled with fresh air.
I should get back to Omicron soon.
Mm, actually, I spoke with Omicron.
He said you should hang out with me today.
That's weird. Omicron hates you.
He hates me? What'd I do?
Mm, he just thinks you look stupid and you stink and stuff.
Yeah? How about you tell Omicron to say that to my face
so I can slap his bitch ass right back to the woods.
You can try, but he's way bigger than you.
Why don't we shut up about Omicron, okay?
Today is about soaking up all my knowledge.
Got any questions?
Mm,
what are smells made out of?
Get on the bike.
All right, now, just keep these handlebars straight
and just keep pedaling once I let you go, okay?
All right. Now, just keep your feet on the pedals.
All right? Hey, you're doing fine.
You're doing great.
Look out for that gate.
Whoa, no, no, no!
Slow down! Slow down! Around the gate!
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
Oh! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, I think I killed him!
Aah! I killed him! Oh, no!
Anybody!
Anybody! Help!
-(COUGHING) -Keep up!
Get off my back! I didn't berate you
when you barfed all over the sidewalk. (WHIMPERS)
-Yes, you did. -(COUGHS) Yeah, I did.
What's this?
-Huh? -What's going on here?
Hey. Excuse me, gentlemen.
What's happening?
Guesthouse caught fire last night.
-Oh. -Uh...
You don't think that we...
No, yeah, I do think that we.
(WHISPERING) We flicked, like, 20 butts over the fence.
Let's go.
LIZ: Hey!
Mackenzie!
Just the person I wanted to see.
Hey, what's up, Liz? What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on. That sociopath nephew of yours
just burned down my guesthouse.
What? That is so stupid.
Is it? The little maniac clearly has
some perverted obsession with me.
Oh, do not flatter yourself. All that stuff was for Omicron.
Yeah, come on, he's a kid. He doesn't smoke cigarettes.
How'd you know it was a cigarette?
I... I didn't know, but I guessed.
Hey, good-good guess on the cigarettes.
-I did guess it. -Good guess.
It's a good guess. I would've guessed the same thing.
Yeah, if I said "fire," she would think...
Smokey the Bear!
-And then I would think cigarettes. -Second...
-Second, she'd think "cigarette." -It's just that they...
-The... The three go together. -Okay,
-okay, okay! -Yeah.
I am done playing games with you people.
That little creep is going down for this.
-I just tried... -You stop it.
Not now. Let's go.
You took some tumble today.
You used up every bandage in Alba's first aid kit.
I feel better already.
Don't worry. Chicks dig scars.
All right.
I'm not the one who screamed "cigarettes"
to the entire neighborhood.
I know, but I'm a little scatterbrained, okay?
I haven't gone this long without a smoke in years.
Yeah, I get it, but now your little brother
is the prime suspect in an arson investigation, so can you work...
-I... Yeah. -ALBA: Miss Mickey?
A man from the fire department is here to see you.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
-Good afternoon! -(CHUCKLES)
-Hello. I'm Lieutenant Shields. -Hi.
Now, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was hoping to speak
to your nephew about the fire next door.
Okay, you know what, this is so absurd.
That woman has been irritated with my family
since she got tasered in my foyer.
I just need to ask the boy a few questions,
and I'll be out of your hair.
(SIGHS)
Uh, yeah.
I mean, yeah, of course.
We are happy to help.
Knock, knock. Anybody home?
Ben?
(STATIC CRACKLING)
Ben?
What the hell happened to your face, buddy?
I fell off my bike.
Are you okay?
Does it hurt?
Well, that's normal. You know, normal kid stuff.
Bikes and scrapes and stuff.
(STAMMERS) Uh, this guy wants to ask you a few questions.
Is that okay?
-Yeah. -Okay.
Hello, Ben. Uh, my name is Lieutenant Shields.
I'm a fire investigator.
Cool! I love fire.
Well, all right, I mean, who doesn't, you know?
'Cause fire's... He's right... It's cool.
You know? I mean, you dedicated your life to it, you know?
For all we know, you're the one who torched the guesthouse.
-Excuse me? -Right?
I'm just saying, have you seen Backdraft? He did it.
Who's "he"?
One of the Baldwin brothers.
Right? Wasn't it? It wasn't the good one.
It also wasn't the bad one. Again, it's tough to say.
They all have the same kind of...
I don't know. It... It's been a while
since I've seen the movie. Just a... Ask the questions.
Ben, what did you do last night?
I was supposed to see Omicron,
but that neighbor lady ruined it.
And who's Omicron?
Well, that's his imaginary friend.
You know, totally normal, healthy,
sane. (CHUCKLES) You know.
Uh-huh. Can I talk to Omicron?
I doubt it. He doesn't like people.
Yeah, he doesn't like people. Uh, me, neither.
What does he think of your neighbor?
Let's just say he's not gonna be happy
when he finds out she got me in trouble.
He'll be like...
(GRUFFLY) "I'll tear the heart out of that woman
"if she messes with you, Ben."
(LAUGHS)
Kids.
Aren't they... Isn't he cute?
Kids. They just say stupid stuff sometimes.
It's not a big... Okay. Good job, buddy.
Come on, guy. (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES) That kid.
G... Great imagination, right?
He's a, he's a good boy.
Ma'am, I've been at this job a long time,
and sure as I'm standing here breathing,
that boy burned down her guesthouse.
You have to see that, right?
W... No, of course I don't see that. Wait, I don...
I... I also don't like what you're insinuating.
I'm not insinuating anything.
Uh...
Oh, that's not good.
Now they definitely think he did it.
What are we gonna do?
I think we're gonna have to face the music.
Yeah, you're right.
Or, you know,
-maybe you could do it. -What?
Well, I just think it's crazy for all of us
to take the fall for this.
Your life is already over.
How the hell is my life over?
I didn't mean it like that. I just mean
it's too late to get it back on track.
Oh, get out of here. I'm a young woman.
I'm in the prime of my life. You're a baby.
In fact, you should take the fall. Because you're a minor,
they'll go easy on you. Plus, it was most likely your cigarette
-that did it. -Oh, yeah?
-How do you figure that? -Please, I have seen you
throw away full cherries. I smoke mine down to the filter.
Like an American.
(EXHALES)
I've got an idea.
What if... And hear me out... We let Ben take the fall?
I'm listening.
I mean, we know the kid's innocent,
but we can all agree something ain't right there.
No, he's a freak, for sure.
And he's certainly not thriving under our supervision.
He's better off without us, really.
Right. And... And what's the worst that could happen?
They toss him in a military academy for a few years?
A little discipline might knock the weird right out of him.
You know what, he'd probably come out in great shape, too.
We'd be doing him a huge solid.
It's kind of the kindest thing we could do for that little boy.
-I knew it! -SABRINA: Alba, what the hell?
You are smoking?
What about Benito? Don't you care about Benito?
Hey. We're smoking because we care about Benito.
We're trying to solve a huge-ass problem over here.
What happened to the patch?
-I love the patch! -Wha...
This combined with the cigarettes
is a whole new ball game.
MICKEY: Oh, yeah, the patch is rad, Alba.
Guess what I did with mine. I slapped it under the pits.
-Aw, come on. -Yeah.
Oh, direct line right to the bloodstream.
-Smart. -Yeah.
-Shame on both of you. -Hey.
Hey, shame on you for shaming all over us
for trying to fix a problem.
Either be part of the solution or get the hell out.
Yeah, Alba.
What's it gonna be?
(HUMMING A TUNE)
Hey. Just the guy I wanted to s...
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
What you looking for?
Answers.
Well, anyways...
I just wanted to say sorry about the whole bike thing.
Don't worry, I'll tell Omicron it was an accident.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) It was an accident.
(GRUFF VOICE) I hope he sees it that way.
The point is... I thought the two of us
can, you know, just chill and watch a movie.
I can't. I got to be in the woods.
What's the hammer for?
To bash stuff.
What kind of stuff?
Anything that gets in our way.
Excuse me.
(WATER RUNNING)
Well, well, well.
You find yourself in quite the predicament.
Confess and Ben goes free while you spend your life in chains,
or stay silent
and betray an innocent boy.
Yeah, we get what's going on... We just explained it to you.
Well, seems there's only one solution.
Un vagabundo.
A... What?
Nomad. A drifter.
A man with no ties to society
who could be easily forgotten.
What are you even talking about?
I do not know.
I feel woozy.
CHIP: Guys, we got a big prob... (COUGHING)
W...
Well, this is just fan-frickin-tastic!
Well, it is not what it looks like.
No. I don't care. Smoke 'em up.
As far as I'm concerned, you can all get cancer.
-Oh, easy! -Too hard, Chip.
While you zeroes are in here getting high on cigarettes,
Ben's losing his freakin' mind!
Okay. All right. Well, I'll talk to him.
-Where is he? -Take a wild guess.
He's in the woods with freakin' Omicron
doing God knows what.
-I'm done. -Uh...
-I am done with him. -Okay.
All right.
Yeah, I'm gonna catch up with you.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Hey, Ben, is it cool if we come up?
(ALL GASP)
Ooh, that was very creepy.
Ladies first.
-(HIGH-PITCHED SOUND REPEATING) -Uh... Ugh.
(EXHALES) Hey, buddy, what you doing?
Just hanging out with Omicron.
Yeah, yeah, that's actually why we came up here.
We wanted to have a little chat with you
about your buddy Omicron.
(ROBOTIC VOICE) Who the hell are you?
(ALL YELLING OVER EACH OTHER)
(CHIP AND SABRINA WHIMPERING)
(STRAINED VOICE) Name's Chester Omicron.
Well, hello, Chester.
-He's from Jupiter. -Oh!
Jupiter, Florida.
-Oh... -Mm-hmm.
-Isn't that Dad's coat? -Yeah.
That's my coat!
Ben gave it to me.
Oh, Omicron, that's Mickey,
Sabrina, oh, and that's my brother Chip
who said all that stuff about you.
MICKEY: Uh...
Oh, no, no, I would never, ever say anything...
-You calling him a liar? -No.
SABRINA: So... Omicron,
what brings you to Greenwich?
I came here to die.
-Mm! -Oh.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
SABRINA: Right.
So... Sorry about that.
I got diagnosed with... (WHEEZING BREATH)
Lung cancer a few months back
and wandered into the woods to...
(WHEEZING BREATH) Smoke myself to death.
-Mm. Um... -Well...
And that's when I found him.
This little guy's the best.
Yeah, he sure is, yeah.
Is he?
It seems to me you neglect the hell out of him.
I taught him how to ride a bike.
You nearly killed him!
For God's sakes... (WHEEZING BREATH)
The kids covered in nicotine patches.
-Oh. -Oh!
Uh... Chip?
Mm, my... My bad.
Okay, well, that explains a lot of the behavior.
I don't know where he'd be without me.
I taught him long division... (WHEEZING BREATH)
How to tell time,
and to whistle.
Show 'em.
(BLOWS AIR)
We're still working on that.
This guy saved my life.
(COUGHING)
(ROBOTIC VOICE) He taught me how to love again.
Oh.
I'd do anything to repay him.
Oh, yeah?
Anything?
Well, uh, this is a mighty nice sacrifice
you're making for our family, Mr. Omicron.
I'm doing it for Ben.
Not you.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, nevertheless, we appreciate it.
If I hear this kid's smoking,
I'll come back.
-And I'll kill you. -Oh.
-Yep, got it. -Got it.
And, Ben, I want you to have something.
If you ever need to talk to me,
just use this and I'll be there.
Oh, well... Oh.
Mm.
(ROBOTIC VOICE) Bye, Omicron.
(SHUDDERS)
-Oh. -Ugh.
(RELIEVED SIGH)
You folks... (WHEEZING BREATH)
...take care... (WHEEZING BREATH)
...of yourselves.
Yeah, that's right.
Keep walking, bitch.
(LIZ SCREAMS)
Okay, let's, uh, buckle up and hit the road.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
(OMICRON WHEEZES)