(GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS ON VIDEO GAME)
MAN: Call in an airstrike!
MAN 2: Suppression fire! Get down! Get down!
You think you can hide in a hospital?
-(DOOR OPENS) -Think again.
-MAN 2: Opening fire! -(EXPLOSION, MEN SCREAMING)
ANDREW: Damn. You're ruthless.
(MICKEY YELPS)
Is that a...
Whose burrito did I just step in?
I don't know.
(GROANS) God.
Guys, this place is getting out of hand.
I love it. You can do anything here.
Who the hell's this kid?
I'm Andrew. We met a bunch of times.
Okay. Enough is enough.
We got strange kids milling about.
Full burritos just laying around, totally unaccounted for.
That's on Alba.
Just because Alba's Mexican
does not mean she's responsible
for every burrito that goes missing.
Alba's Guatemalan.
Exactly! Alba's Guatemalan.
I'm not talking about the burrito, I'm talking about
the fact that she doesn't do her job.
It doesn't work like that anymore.
We all need to clean up after ourselves.
-(CAP CLATTERS) -Oh, we do?
These aren't my half-empty beers.
And I will dispose of them when I am finished with them.
Now get out of here, the TV's mine.
-I recorded the game. -What?
It's not even live? Screw that.
Let's do this.
I've been dodging the score all day.
MICKEY: I'm just trying to find my lucky shirt.
Why do you need the lucky shirt if the game's already over?
SABRINA: Hey, check me out.
Do I look like a trashy whore or what?
(GASPS) What'd you do to my shirt?
I made it sexy.
Sabrina, how would you feel if I just ran around
stealing your clothes?
-You can't fit in my clothes. -Ugh!
It's for the Maloneys' white trash party, okay?
It's the biggest party of the year.
Yeah, okay. Well, in that case.
CHIP: It's gonna be awesome. The youngest one, Danny,
is in my grade, so I get to go this year.
I heard their sister's bringing a bunch of her friends
from St. Margaret's.
Oh, yeah. The place is gonna be running wild
with repressed Catholic school girls.
Don't pretend that doesn't terrify you.
Ah, high school's the best.
Parties suck when you get older.
No one fights or humps or breaks anything.
Everyone leave. Get out of here,
so we can watch the game in peace. Go!
Sabrina, will you switch the input for me?
Ha! Yeah, that's funny.
Uh... Chip? Can you help me out, please?
Yeah, right.
Ben, go click the input switch for me, please.
You're just sitting there.
You do it.
-(LAUGHTER) -Oh!
ANNOUNCER: Boston bullpen blows it again.
Another win for Toronto.
That's it! I'm done!
I'm done with these losers!
Were you not disgusted by that loss?
What? Yeah. Yeah. They suck.
I just can't stop thinking about Ben right now. I...
I mean, he's never talked to me like that before.
(LAUGHS)
And so it begins.
So what begins?
Oh, the transformation.
Oh, yeah. I see it in Chip and Sabrina.
One day, sweet little angels,
and the next, vile, wretched creatures
with no respect for nobody.
No, I can't afford to lose Ben.
He's all I've got now.
I'm hanging on by a thread as is.
Well, then you need to start punishing him
like his parents never did.
Absolutely not, Alba. I don't punish.
Yeah. I never grew up with rules or discipline.
I turned out pretty great.
No, you know what? We're just overthinking it.
We're overthinking it. Ben's a good kid.
I just got to go clear the air.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing? Playing with your ant farm?
Yeah. Billy and Greg are wrestling,
so I had to separate 'em.
Again? Oh, man. Those guys.
You know, this whole house is kind of like an ant farm.
-Really? -Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You see, see this ant
in the middle, right here?
The really cute one?
Uh, she's kind and fair. That's the queen. That's like me.
And all these ants around on the side, those are worker ants.
That's like you and Chip and Sabrina.
Do I have to build tunnels for you?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, if I asked you to, you would.
See, 'cause without the queen ant,
all the other ants would just be running around like kooks.
Nothing would get done. It'd be crazy.
It'd be chaos, you know?
You don't want that. So, if I ask you to do something around here,
I need you to perk your little ant antenna up, right,
-and do it. -(DOOR OPENS)
Ben. We need you.
Well, hold on.
We... I have him right now.
So give us a second.
Uh, yeah. No can do. We need him now.
Well, you don't get him now.
What's wrong with you?
We need to get Mom's box of poor stuff for the party,
and he's the only one who can fit in the attic.
Okay. Well, hang on a minute until he's done.
Let's let him decide for himself.
Hey, Ben? Buddy?
What do you want to do?
Oh... Don't forget, who's your best buddy?
-You. -MICKEY: Yeah.
-But who's your big sister? -You.
You're either with us or you're against us.
Yeah, but remember, good little ants, they get rewarded.
And bad little ants, they get squished.
SABRINA: Hey, Ben. Be smart, buddy.
You don't want to end up like our last little brother.
You had another brother?
Yeah. We had to kill him, 'cause he wasn't a team player.
Okay. Get out of here. Don't listen to them.
They're messing with you.
Oh, I wish we were, but we wouldn't lie
about something like that.
Okay. Well, if you had another little brother,
then what was his name, on the count of three? One, two, three.
-Elliott. -Elliott.
-MICKEY: Mm. -Sorry, Mickey.
Oh...
Bye, Mickey! Come on, Ben.
I don't know. I just don't know what to do, Alba.
I can feel Ben slipping away.
I am telling you, drop the hammer.
Otherwise, he will never learn.
You realize that is asking me to betray
everything that I stand for.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(MICKEY CLEARS THROAT)
Where do you think you're going?
School.
No, I don't think so. (LAUGHING) No.
Not today.
I'm punishing you.
For what?
For...
Being... For being dicks.
-SABRINA: Mm. -MICKEY: That's what's for.
You guys need to learn to respect me.
-Why? -Because I said so.
That's why.
-I'd rather not. -Hey.
I am dead serious.
You are not going to school today, so help me God.
-Sweet. -No school.
(BACKPACKS DROP ON FLOOR)
Oh, that's...
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
But, you know,
don't think that you just get to sit around
and do whatever you want all day.
That's not what I meant.
-(CARTOONS PLAYING ON TV) -No, I meant, you guys...
-you're grounded. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Am I grounded, too?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. No more special treatment for you, buddy.
Don't worry, Ben. She has no power over us.
Oh, I don't?
(TV CONTINUES PLAYING)
(TURNS OFF TV)
-No more TV. -ALBA: Ooh.
Oh-ho.
Well, okay. (SIGHS)
-Come on, give me those. -No.
-Give me... -(GRUNTS)
Then I will smash your video games into oblivion.
I'll buy more.
SABRINA: Face it, Mackenzie.
You've got no leverage.
Oh, yeah?
How about this?
Not one of you steps foot outside of this house
until the entire thing is clean.
(LAUGHS) Yeah? Good luck with that.
Yeah, if you don't like it, why don't you clean it yourself?
MICKEY: You know what? Fine with me.
Cool.
I grew up in squalor.
I am perfectly comfortable in it.
You guys want to live like this?
It's a great idea.
Oh, yeah. Hi.
In fact, who's this pretty lady, huh?
Oh...
This important to anyone?
Huh? How's that?
That messy enough for you? You guys like any of this stuff?
(MICKEY LAUGHING)
-Oh, Alba. That feels good. -ALBA: Yeah?
-You're gonna want to get in on this. -ALBA: All right.
(YELLS)
(MICKEY MOANS)
-(MICKEY AND ALBA SHOUTING) -(OBJECTS CRASHING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
-(SCREAMING) -Oh! Ow! Get it! Get it!
-Yeah! -Yeah!
-(MICKEY AND ALBA PANTING) -ALBA: Yeah.
(PHONES CLICKING)
(JIMMY CHUCKLES)
Whoa. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. What happened here?
Mickey punished us.
Yeah. She really showed us who's boss.
(CHIP AND SABRINA LAUGH)
(MICKEY LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
Oh, good. Good, good, good.
We're all having fun. That's so great.
Hey. You guys got a quick sec to talk leverage?
(PHONE BEEPS, LINE RINGING)
MAN: Hello.
Oh, hello. May I speak with Mrs. Maloney, please?
-MAN: Just a sec. -What are you doing?
Oh, I'm shutting down the party.
Oh. Everybody's gonna be so mad at you guys, huh?
Have you completely lost it?
-Nah. She's bluffing. -Am I?
JIMMY: Okay, you know what? Hey, hey.
Mick. Don't be unreasonable.
All right? Let's just talk about this. We're all here.
MICKEY: Hey, hey, hey!
-Look, I don't want to be this person. -Hang up the phone.
You know? I'm not a party stopper.
-I'm a party starter. -Yeah, she starts them.
-Hang up the phone! -You don't tell me what to do!
Hang up the phone!
-Clean up the mess! -Oh, whoa! Whoa!
Geez, let's put the claws away, all right?
Okay? Here, here, here.
How about this?
Jimmy cleans up.
-No, thanks. -Okay? No. It's all right. I enjoy it.
-It's not okay with me, though. -No, it's fine, though.
MICKEY: No, thank you, Jimmy.
-I enjoy doing it. -Put it down!
-MRS. MALONEY: Hello? -Hi there.
-Hi. -Mrs. Maloney.
-My name is... -Fine!
-Hello? -Fine what?
-We'll clean! -Who is this?
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
(MICKEY AND ALBA LAUGH)
-That was cutting it close. -Yeah.
Very exciting. Thank you for that.
Okay, awesome.
Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.
Alba and I, we're gonna run out for a quick beer or six,
and we will be back in... what do you think, two hours?
-Make it three. -Three.
You heard the lady. Make it three.
We'll be back in three hours.
Gives you plenty of time to clean up.
Oh, and in the meantime, can you guys move
that big TV upstairs to my room?
I recorded the game, and I kind of want to watch it
all cozy in my bed.
I... Should I come with you?
No, 'cause you love to clean so much, remember?
MICKEY: Yeah, I could get used to this.
ALBA: Oh, yeah, nice.
-That's what I'm talking about. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like it. Yeah, what do you think, Alba?
It's okay. You know, it's not like when I do it.
-Well, yeah. -But it's okay. Yeah.
-Ooh, ooh. Uh-oh. -Ooh.
-Bad news, though. -Uh-oh.
Bad news flying in, see...
I'm seeing a big old smudge print right here.
-You seeing that, Alba? -Yeah, sloppy work.
Yeah. Well, why don't you go
pop a quick scrub on that, Cinderella,
and then we'll be in business. Nice work!
-Yeah! -Nice.
-I like it. -Yeah.
Guys. Super impressed. Think you made
very good decisions here tonight.
You know what? You want to... You want to go watch the game?
-Good. -Let's go... We're gonna watch the game.
You guys have a great night. Um...
I hope you're not too scrubbed out.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)
MICKEY: You know, it was just basic dog psychology.
ALBA: Sometimes you gotta...
What is this?
MICKEY: What the hell?
-(DOOR CLOSES, LOCKS) -ALBA: Whoa.
(MICKEY GASPS)
-(SHRIEKS) No! -(SCREAMING) No!
We're trapped!
Hey! You let us out!
SABRINA: Sorry, we got to run.
We have a party to get to.
Oh! You better hope I never get out of this room!
CHIP: Oh, I almost forgot.
Ben has something he wants to tell you.
Go ahead, Ben. Say the thing.
BEN: Sox lost, three to zero!
(BOTH SCREAM)
I'm gonna kill you!
(HORN HONKING)
Jimmy!
Don't you dare!
-Sorry, Mick. -(CHIP WHOOPS)
-Party of the year. -MICKEY: What?
-No! -SABRINA: Bye, Mick!
BEN: Bye!
(SCREAMS)
Aunt Mickey's scaring me.
Ah, don't worry. She can't hurt you from up there, little buddy.
-(LOUD THUD) -(ALL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GROANING)
Oh.
-(MICKEY GASPS) -CHIP: She's invincible.
All right. She'll be all right.
You guys still want to party? Oh.
-Yeah. Oh. -(CHIP GROANS)
All right. Some radio?
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
This is for my future baby mama
Hope your skin is black as midnight
I'll take you out that Honda
I can put you in a Benz
I can balance out your chakras
Fornication is a sin
We can...all night regardless
Our father art in heaven...
(LAUGHING) Oh, my gosh.
You guys are fun.
Thanks. It's our first party.
-Shut up, Andrew. -Oh, that's so cute.
Wait, what grade are you guys in?
-Eighth. -Wow, really?
You just... you seem so much older.
I get that a lot. (LAUGHS)
I was held back in kindergarten
because my body developed slow.
(LAUGHS) Okay, I cannot handle
how funny you guys are.
Um... you know, you guys want to to go somewhere
a little more quiet, just so that we can kind of talk?
Him or me?
Why not both?
Can you give us a second, please?
Holy crap, is this happening?
I can't believe it. What do we do?
I feel like we have to say yes, right?
Definitely. I think I love her.
No... Okay, let's just set some ground rules,
make sure things don't get weird.
Okay, good idea.
Like you and I shouldn't kiss for more than five seconds.
-Kiss who? -Each other.
-We're not kissing at all. -What if it's a deal breaker for her?
Then we break the deal.
All right, fine, geez, we won't kiss.
Didn't know you were gonna be so weird about it.
Guys. Is everything okay?
Everything is great.
Yeah. Let's do this.
(HUSHED MURMURING)
Sick costume.
Five bucks.
GIRL: Ooh! Oh.
(PARTY CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
You go that way, I'll go this way.
Boy, I'm buoyant, we are
Floating on them peons
Go in till they take my bro'nem out them CDCRs...
(SHOUTS, LAUGHS) Suck on that, losers! Oh!
-(GLASS BREAKS) -(CROWD GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
-JIMMY: What's the matter with you? -Where are they?
JIMMY: Look what you did to my hands!
(JIMMY GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
JIMMY: I don't know.
I don't know. They're around here somewhere.
I swear to God, I don't know.
(GROANS) Please.
(WHIMPERING GASP)
You freakin' psycho!
ALBA: Ben!
Ben! Chip!
Sabrina, are you...
-Uh... -(BONG BUBBLING)
I'm sorry. It's the wrong room. I...
(COUGHS)
Uh...
Are you in the city?
Are you on the other side?
Are you in the city?
Are you on the other side?
Are you in the city?
Are you on the other side?
Are you in the city?
Are you on the other side?
I'm starting to prune up.
Where the hell is she? It doesn't take this long to get beers.
Do you think we need more bubbles?
No, we're good on bubbles. Just stop talking about bubbles.
It's not what it looks like.
Get out.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey. Um... where did Chip go?
Uh... He had to step out,
but... I'm here.
We got plenty of bubbles.
-In the jungle, the mighty jungle -A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
-The lion sleeps tonight -A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
A-wee... ee-ee-ee-ee
Ee-a-bumba-weh
A-wee... ee-ee-ee-ee
Ee-a-bumba-weh
(LOUD PARTY CHATTER)
Can I borrow this? Thank you.
-BOY: No. No way. -(GAGS)
-Are you insane? -Where's Ben?
He's over there.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Ben. Get down. We're going home.
But I'm having fun.
Tough crap. We're leaving. Let's go.
No, I don't want to.
Ben, get off the table right now!
Screw you!
(CROWD GASPS)
(CROWD LAUGHS)
(CROWD GASPING)
(CROWD QUIETS)
Uh...
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Alba and Jimmy, can I talk to the kids alone
for a minute, please?
I go do things in the kitchen.
Yeah, I'll, uh... Give you a hand.
(GROANS) Hey.
So...
Things got... pretty crazy last night, right?
I mean, come on, you guys gonna ice me out all day long?
Look, I admit it, I may have gone too far.
-"May have"? -You publicly flogged Ben.
Yeah, I said I was sorry.
-No, you didn't. -Well, I'm saying it now.
Are you?
-Yeah. Are you? -What would we be sorry about?
I don't know, destroying my room,
telling me to screw myself,
turning my face into a lasagna.
-No? Nothing? No remorse at all? -No, thanks.
-We're good. -No.
Huh.
(SIGHS)
Okay.
Well, guess what, I am sorry,
and I would like to fix this with you guys,
so can I please take you out to dinner?
What do you say, Ben?
Can you please help me out here? You really want him to hate me?
I'm doing what I can.
Guess I could go for a bite.
What do you say, Ben?
Can I get French fries?
(WEATHER FORECAST PLAYS ON RADIO)
Aunt Mickey, I'm hungry.
Yeah, where the hell are you taking us?
It's a surprise. You'll see.
Okay. We're here. Hop out.
-BEN: There's no restaurant out here. -CHIP: Where the hell are we?
SABRINA: I knew we should've ordered in.
BEN: I thought I was getting French fries.
Ever heard of GPS, Mickey?
-Are we hunting for our food? -Yeah, where the hell are we?
-I don't get any service out here. -MICKEY: I'm gonna take that and that.
-SABRINA: What the hell? -MICKEY: Thank you very much.
-See you guys at home. -You're just gonna leave us out here?
Listen... I know you guys didn't ask to be in this situation,
and I am so sorry that your parents aren't here,
but I am.
You know? And I'm doing the best that I can.
And if you decide that you don't want me around,
please just tell me and I will go,
but if you decide you want me to stay,
you've got to recognize the fact that I need to be in charge.
That is the only way this is gonna work.
And fortunately, you've got the entire walk home
to figure out what you want to do.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)
She really left us?
Not a chance. She's bluffing.
See? Told you.
Hmm, what a loser. All bark, no bite.
Aah!
(GASPS)
(COUGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(MICKEY CLEARS THROAT)
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
MICKEY: Clean up the mess!